Partners of ASPIES

[ALE]

My husband has AS and I am looking for other women in similar relationships or support groups. I have trolled through this website for hours and can only find people talking about their children. Whilst I understand that this is very difficult, I feel that I need some support around living with an adult with AS. No-one understands the guilt when I think about leaving. No-one understands that it is like looking after another child. No-one understands that I can never think about myself - I have to get into his world all the time. No-one understands the strain it puts on my relationship with my grown up kids who cant understand why I put up with his behaviour. No-one understands that we cant go to social events without a big trauma. No-one understands how tired I feel and how desparate.

 

We have been to see a counsellor and after spending ?700 she told us to split up - but I feel that has to be my decision - when I am ready for it. My husband thinks that because he doesnt mean to upset me, be insensitive, not understand, be difficult, not like me going out etc that it is ok to behave this way. If it isnt done on purpose then it is alright. He cant understand that it still affects me.

 

I have empathy with you mothers, because I feel that I am looking after a child sometimes and cant just walk away from that - although in reality I can. If only it was that easy. My self-esteem is very low because he just says things without thinking, I feel lonely and alone.

 

Any advice please?

[helenl53]

Ale

 

I have to go out this evening but I will PM you tomorrow.

 

Best wishes

 

HelenL

[bid]

Ale <'>

 

I know that there are people here with partners who also have AS, so please hang around to give them a chance to reply.

 

I'll keep your thread bumped to the top, so that people can see it easily.

 

My father has AS, and I certainly had a difficult childhood so I can understand a little.

 

Bid <'>

[nellie]

Welcome to the forum Ale

 

My husband was diagnosed with AS a few years ago at the age of 53, my younger son, 25, was diagnosed with AS last June and my eldest son, 27, was diagnosed with autism when he was 19.

 

I will PM you later, meanwhile the following link is great for websites and books to read.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships. Options

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

Nellie <'>

[BuntyB]

I can relate to this well!

The fact is that : yes, ASDs do cause difficult behaviour and problems in relationships.

yes, you do have to be tolerant that things are difficult for your partner to understand,

but no, you do not have to put up with it and

no, your partner should not expect you to put up with it!

 

In simple terms, you have to ask your partner if he wants you to stay. If so, he has to accept that certain things have to change. I am a big believer that socailly acceptable behaviour can be taught, just like anything else. What is he interested in? What does he care about?

 

You will have to be very specific in what you need him to do/ not do. Write it down in very simple terms, don't expect him to guess what your needs are.

 

With regards to social events, what CAN he cope with? Set aside one day a week which will be your social night and build up in tiny steps, so that if there is something you would really like to go to, it isn't a major change. Expecting someone to suddenly go to a special event will be traumatic, and too much to expect, but on the other hand, if you find social events hard, it is easier just not to go out. This doesn't help in the long run.

 

I wish you all the best, there are many on here who will understand, so keep having a moan and asking for support. You will find it.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[justamom]

I have a little different situation but my folks live with me and my dad is AS and I have a son with AS.... You have just described my father to a t - my poor mum has sooooo much too put up, she has never said to me that she wants to leave him but he certainly makes her life hell - because we have to "get into his world" all the time.

 

We had a friend around on sat that we have not seen for many years and we were having a chat and he was asked a question his views on a certain subject and God help us, it turned into an argument that he caused because everything is black and white with him no grey areas and it was so embarrassing. But no amount of us telling him he is in the wrong seems to help - it is just like looking after a child.... kind of like a tantrum but done in a adult way if you know what i mean!!!!

 

I don't really have much advice but its a rollercoaster of ups and downs, we love him dearly but hey he is one difficult so and so...

good luck

justamom

[ceecee]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Sending some of these.Hope you can find ways round things soon.

[Paula]

Theres a book called liveing with mr spock.An autobiography by a women who met and fell in love with an aspie man its a good read very interesting.After reading the book it was kinda obvious to me that my dad although undiagnosed had many many traites of an Asperger.My mum is always complaining about him.I keep trying to tell her that hes just like our AS son his grandson.

 

 

 

You can get the book from jessica kingsley publications order online or phone.Ive used the site loads of times and can vouch for it.

 

 

 

Hope this will help and itll bump up the post.

 

Theres also someone who posts on here that has there own web site there an As man married with a child there site might be worth a look.

 

http://www.colour-se7en.co.uk thats the link you have to register but its easy to do so.

Edited February 22, 2006 by Paula

[Tally]

I am the AS partner, but I can relate to your post because I often feel like I am my husband's mother, rather than his partner - he has mental health problems, and possible ADHD as well, but refuses to seek help for any of it, just twists everything to make it my fault. It can be really hard work, and there are times when I just want to walk, no run, away. But then I feel like I am the bad one cos I agreed to be there "in sickness and in health," and to leave him when he's most vulnerable would be . . . well . . . hard. My parents are really hurt by his recent behaviour toward me, and keep threatening to come and get me right now, but I have to do this on my terms, not theirs. You do have to do things your own way. Feeling lonely and alone, yeah, I can tell you all about that . . . if you didn't know already.

 

I'm going to stop now, before I hijack your thread completely.

 

I would recommend "Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. As well as the obvious, it explains a lot about how AS can present in adults, especially when it wasn't picked up as a child and they/we have learned 'coping' mechanisms to deal with the symptoms. It might help you to understand him more, and help you to find ways to make your relationship work.

 

He does need to learn to understand you as well though. I know AS by definition makes that difficult for him, but you can't be the one doing all the work; relationships have to go both ways.

 

He doesn't like to go out - that is an inevitable part of AS. That's not going to change. He can make the effort to go to events he can cope with, but he's never going to feel comfortable socially. Does he have to go to the social events that make him anxious? Can't you go out with your friends and let him stay at home? My husband goes out without me, and I don't have a problem with that.

[joshanddanfans]

My husband doesnt need a diagnosis even he has admitted it must be that to explain all the difficulties he has. we have 3 children, 2 asd-asperger boys who also have adhd,dyspraxia and sensory integration dysfunction. 2 year old daughter is beginning to show signs too. My husband is the lovliest man and best dad in the world but his obsessions ane rituals are becoming more and more unbearable to live with. if i move the cereal he freaks out cos he cant find it. have just read the book an asperger marriage and that is us down to a tee. my best mate has asd kids and an even more asd hubby so if you ever want a chat please feel free to email me. alex THE ONLY SANE ONE IN MY HOUSE!!!

[Kerre]

We have been to see a counsellor and after spending ?700 she told us to split up

 

Some quality advice there. And by 'quality' I mean 'awful'. Aren't counsellors supposed to help you cope?

[ALE]

I can relate to this well!

The fact is that : yes, ASDs do cause difficult behaviour and problems in relationships.

yes, you do have to be tolerant that things are difficult for your partner to understand,

but no, you do not have to put up with it and

no, your partner should not expect you to put up with it!

 

In simple terms, you have to ask your partner if he wants you to stay. If so, he has to accept that certain things have to change. I am a big believer that socailly acceptable behaviour can be taught, just like anything else. What is he interested in? What does he care about?

 

You will have to be very specific in what you need him to do/ not do. Write it down in very simple terms, don't expect him to guess what your needs are.

 

With regards to social events, what CAN he cope with? Set aside one day a week which will be your social night and build up in tiny steps, so that if there is something you would really like to go to, it isn't a major change. Expecting someone to suddenly go to a special event will be traumatic, and too much to expect, but on the other hand, if you find social events hard, it is easier just not to go out. This doesn't help in the long run.

 

I wish you all the best, there are many on here who will understand, so keep having a moan and asking for support. You will find it.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Thanks for the message Shona. It is difficult to separate the AS and my husband's behaviour. He is quite insecure and very negative and doubting of everything and everybody, but I dont know if that has been caused by having AS. We have been told that I need to have time for myself with NT people to gain some sense of normalcy by two different counsellors, but he still gets funny about me going out. I went out last night for and hour and a half after work with my best friend because I am having a really tough time at work and didnt want to be told to leave/go off sick/write to the manager etc (or whatever other solutions he thought I should implement) and he had a strop when I got home so I ended up going back out and staying at my friend's house.

 

I dont want him to be grateful to me, but he just doesnt realise how difficult it is to live with him and if I try to talk to him about his behaviours he just launches into a tirade of things that I do wrong (most of which are completely reasonable to a non AS person). So it is very difficult to sort things out. I think he is using his AS as an excuse for some of his behaviours - but who can tell?

 

[ALE]

My husband doesnt need a diagnosis even he has admitted it must be that to explain all the difficulties he has. we have 3 children, 2 asd-asperger boys who also have adhd,dyspraxia and sensory integration dysfunction. 2 year old daughter is beginning to show signs too. My husband is the lovliest man and best dad in the world but his obsessions ane rituals are becoming more and more unbearable to live with. if i move the cereal he freaks out cos he cant find it. have just read the book an asperger marriage and that is us down to a tee. my best mate has asd kids and an even more asd hubby so if you ever want a chat please feel free to email me. alex THE ONLY SANE ONE IN MY HOUSE!!!

 

Hi Alex

 

And I thought I had it bad!!!! How are you the only sane one - I would be absolutely demented living with more than one of my husband? Dont you ever feel like running away? We had a ding dong last night and I ended up staying at my friend's house. Her partner is lovely, worships her, wants her to have a good time, does all the cooking, etc. I ended up feeling really sad and thinking 'why cant I find someone like this?' I have several friends who have really easy-going partners who never judge them or tell them what to do and I am constantly feeling my energy levels and confidence dropping because I have to try and tell myself that I am a good person and dont deserve to be treated how I am treated. My husband thinks that I shouldnt be upset by him because he is not doing/saying things 'on purpose' but he cant understand that it still hurts.

 

Have had to stop reading books on AS because they were really getting me down thinking I might have to live like that for the rest of my life.

 

Keep sane and in touch.

[ALE]

Some quality advice there. And by 'quality' I mean 'awful'. Aren't counsellors supposed to help you cope?

 

Hi Kerre

 

The counsellor thought I couldnt cope and my husband wouldnt change so that was her answer!! It did really rock us for a while and things went a bit quieter, but he's back to his normal self now. He is very aggressive and angry and doesnt realise he is pulling menacing faces or swearing or shouting (so he says). Maybe I am just being over sensitive and should just ignore him, but I find it very difficult. My kids also find his body language and tone of voice intimidating and he says inappropriate things too. He is constantly laughing at my clothes, shoes, etc. for no apparent reason. I find it all very confusing.

[ALE]

I am the AS partner, but I can relate to your post because I often feel like I am my husband's mother, rather than his partner - he has mental health problems, and possible ADHD as well, but refuses to seek help for any of it, just twists everything to make it my fault. It can be really hard work, and there are times when I just want to walk, no run, away. But then I feel like I am the bad one cos I agreed to be there "in sickness and in health," and to leave him when he's most vulnerable would be . . . well . . . hard. My parents are really hurt by his recent behaviour toward me, and keep threatening to come and get me right now, but I have to do this on my terms, not theirs. You do have to do things your own way. Feeling lonely and alone, yeah, I can tell you all about that . . . if you didn't know already.

 

I'm going to stop now, before I hijack your thread completely.

 

I would recommend "Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships" by Ashley Stanford. As well as the obvious, it explains a lot about how AS can present in adults, especially when it wasn't picked up as a child and they/we have learned 'coping' mechanisms to deal with the symptoms. It might help you to understand him more, and help you to find ways to make your relationship work.

 

He does need to learn to understand you as well though. I know AS by definition makes that difficult for him, but you can't be the one doing all the work; relationships have to go both ways.

 

He doesn't like to go out - that is an inevitable part of AS. That's not going to change. He can make the effort to go to events he can cope with, but he's never going to feel comfortable socially. Does he have to go to the social events that make him anxious? Can't you go out with your friends and let him stay at home? My husband goes out without me, and I don't have a problem with that.

 

Hi Tally

 

It feels quite difficult talking to you because of your AS - I dont want to upset you by moaning and really appreciate your reply - hearing things from the other side!! I went out last night for an hour and a half after work because I had had a really awful day and needed to talk to my friend - hubby had a real strop when I got home so I ended up staying at my friends overnight. He doesnt like me going out, he wants me to do everything with him, from going to the freezer to pick something for dinner to running up the stairs to plug the light in in the attic (when he could quite easily do it himself!!).

 

I find it really hard to differentiate between the AS and my husbands natural personality. He is very insecure (again I think is that because of the AS?), thinks negatively of everyone and everything- but at the same time thinks he knows exactly what people are thinking and why they are doing things. If I could tell that some of his behaviours were HIM I would definitely leave, but I feel guilty, like I should allow for these things and 'look after him'. He is very aggressive - he shouts a lot and gets really angry about things - other partners I have spoken to say that their husbands are laid back and quiet, leaving them free to get on with their own lives. I dont have that luxury. Even though 2 counsellors have told us that I need 'me space', he still doesnt accept that very easily.

 

I just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and I need to do something soon before I go mad.

[ALE]

Theres a book called liveing with mr spock.An autobiography by a women who met and fell in love with an aspie man its a good read very interesting.After reading the book it was kinda obvious to me that my dad although undiagnosed had many many traites of an Asperger.My mum is always complaining about him.I keep trying to tell her that hes just like our AS son his grandson.

You can get the book from jessica kingsley publications order online or phone.Ive used the site loads of times and can vouch for it.

Hope this will help and itll bump up the post.

 

Theres also someone who posts on here that has there own web site there an As man married with a child there site might be worth a look.

 

http://www.colour-se7en.co.uk thats the link you have to register but its easy to do so.

 

Thanks for the reply Paula. I have read the book, but found it quite deflating as most of the other real life stories are. I dont find them inspirational, just end up feeling sorry for the person who has to put their life on hold and live with the AS person. I will try the website when I can get on the computer, I am replying to my post from work as the computer is my husbands obsession! My mum thinks my dad has AS too, not that he is related to my hubby, I work with a male client group and often see traits in them, but then wonder if I am being sensitive to the condition because I live with it. We have been told that if you can put interventions and strategies in place when they are young it does not have such a great effect when they are older. Too late for my husband - he wasnt diagnosed til he was 33, but hopefully you can do some work with your son.

[ALE]

I have a little different situation but my folks live with me and my dad is AS and I have a son with AS.... You have just described my father to a t - my poor mum has sooooo much too put up, she has never said to me that she wants to leave him but he certainly makes her life hell - because we have to "get into his world" all the time.

 

We had a friend around on sat that we have not seen for many years and we were having a chat and he was asked a question his views on a certain subject and God help us, it turned into an argument that he caused because everything is black and white with him no grey areas and it was so embarrassing. But no amount of us telling him he is in the wrong seems to help - it is just like looking after a child.... kind of like a tantrum but done in a adult way if you know what i mean!!!!

 

I don't really have much advice but its a rollercoaster of ups and downs, we love him dearly but hey he is one difficult so and so...

good luck

justamom

 

I know what you mean about the arguments!! Something clicked when we were on holiday recently - my husband and I were disagreeing about something and he asked why I was winding him up. When I thought about this question I realised that he always thinks he is right, cannot understand that others have different opinions, beliefs, points of view, etc. So he must think that I am just arguing for argument's sake when I disagree because to him I couldnt possibly think differently so must be just trying to wind him up!!

 

My husband gets really angry and aggressive as well which doesnt help. I know what you mean about the rollercoaster - but I am having more downs than ups lately and that worries me.

[ALE]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Sending some of these.Hope you can find ways round things soon.

 

Thanks

[ALE]

Welcome to the forum Ale

 

My husband was diagnosed with AS a few years ago at the age of 53, my younger son, 25, was diagnosed with AS last June and my eldest son, 27, was diagnosed with autism when he was 19.

 

I will PM you later, meanwhile the following link is great for websites and books to read.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships. Options

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

Nellie <'>

 

Thanks Nellie

 

I cant remember if I have replied to you. Cant quite get the hang of this system. What does PM mean?

Sounds like you have your hands full!!

[Paula]

ALE

 

I was once told that we are all a little bit Aspie by a dr.That we all like to do things a certaine way and have our own little obsessions and say the same thing at the same time over stuff also.

 

Its just that in Someone with Aspergers these traites are more obvious and life controlling type of thing.

 

Thats probably why once we become aware of the Autistic spectrum and stuff we tend to see traites of it however subtle in all sorts of people we meet.

 

Some can i guess get on with life and it doesnt hinder them too much others cant.

[joshanddanfans]

 

Hi Alex

 

And I thought I had it bad!!!! How are you the only sane one - I would be absolutely demented living with more than one of my husband? Dont you ever feel like running away? We had a ding dong last night and I ended up staying at my friend's house. Her partner is lovely, worships her, wants her to have a good time, does all the cooking, etc. I ended up feeling really sad and thinking 'why cant I find someone like this?' I have several friends who have really easy-going partners who never judge them or tell them what to do and I am constantly feeling my energy levels and confidence dropping because I have to try and tell myself that I am a good person and dont deserve to be treated how I am treated. My husband thinks that I shouldnt be upset by him because he is not doing/saying things 'on purpose' but he cant understand that it still hurts.

 

Have had to stop reading books on AS because they were really getting me down thinking I might have to live like that for the rest of my life.

 

Keep sane and in touch.

 

sure keep in touch my mate and i are going to do a shirly valentine to the maldives to find some nice friendly black men, you can join us if you like. The more i look at other husbands the more i get stressed out so i try to avoid it. I cant make my hubby someone he is not so i have had to accept him for who he is and the lovely person he is underneath all the everyday cr*p. TRY TO STAY POSITIVE!!!

[phasmid]

Hi Ale,

 

I am pleased that you have had some responses to your situation, always seems to be good advice on here no matter what the problems are.

 

PMs are Private messages, like an e-mail program that is for forum users.

[BuntyB]

Thanks for the message Shona. It is difficult to separate the AS and my husband's behaviour. He is quite insecure and very negative and doubting of everything and everybody, but I dont know if that has been caused by having AS. We have been told that I need to have time for myself with NT people to gain some sense of normalcy by two different counsellors, but he still gets funny about me going out. I went out last night for and hour and a half after work with my best friend because I am having a really tough time at work and didnt want to be told to leave/go off sick/write to the manager etc (or whatever other solutions he thought I should implement) and he had a strop when I got home so I ended up going back out and staying at my friend's house.

 

I dont want him to be grateful to me, but he just doesnt realise how difficult it is to live with him and if I try to talk to him about his behaviours he just launches into a tirade of things that I do wrong (most of which are completely reasonable to a non AS person). So it is very difficult to sort things out. I think he is using his AS as an excuse for some of his behaviours - but who can tell?

 

 

When I say this, I am not saying it's okay, I am just 'interpreting' for you!

For most people with ASDs, having you will feel like a 'possession' and he is likely to feel jealous or betrayed if you want to go out without him. It may be that you are all he needs and so therefore he will find it hard to understand that you might need an outlet other than him.

 

I did ask you about any special interests that might be self-absorbing and will entertain him until you get back from having time to yourself. If he doesn't have one, can you find him one? Does he use the computer?

 

As with regards to problems- the 'logical' answer to a problem is finding a solution. He thinks he is being really helpful by telling you how to tackle your work related problems and probably can't understand why you need to talk to an nt mate. You probably need a good moan and a cuddle rather than some advice, but he won't appreciate that, because it doesn't actually make any sense!

 

In fact, I would recommend your dear husband to go do some volunteer work, preferably at the Citizen's Advice Bureau. It would keep him occupied, give you a break and he could advise people in a logical fashion to his heart's content, lol

Edited February 25, 2006 by Shona

[ceecee]

Some good advice Shona and well put.

[BuntyB]

Some good advice Shona and well put.

Thank you!

[linda]

My husband has AS and I am looking for other women in similar relationships or support groups. I have trolled through this website for hours and can only find people talking about their children. Whilst I understand that this is very difficult, I feel that I need some support around living with an adult with AS. No-one understands the guilt when I think about leaving. No-one understands that it is like looking after another child. No-one understands that I can never think about myself - I have to get into his world all the time. No-one understands the strain it puts on my relationship with my grown up kids who cant understand why I put up with his behaviour. No-one understands that we cant go to social events without a big trauma. No-one understands how tired I feel and how desparate.

 

We have been to see a counsellor and after spending ?700 she told us to split up - but I feel that has to be my decision - when I am ready for it. My husband thinks that because he doesnt mean to upset me, be insensitive, not understand, be difficult, not like me going out etc that it is ok to behave this way. If it isnt done on purpose then it is alright. He cant understand that it still affects me.

 

I have empathy with you mothers, because I feel that I am looking after a child sometimes and cant just walk away from that - although in reality I can. If only it was that easy. My self-esteem is very low because he just says things without thinking, I feel lonely and alone.

 

Any advice please?

 

 

 

HI ALE,

I am a newcomer to this forun and how heartened I was to read your account of living with your husband. My partner and I have lived together for 6years and met 9years ago.As I write this I am in tears after yet another incident where aspergers has come into our evening together.I had been out to get a takeaway and hoped on my return the table etc would be ready to eat our meal.I find him sat watching star trek with the volume 3/4 volume(we have 8 speakers and a 51"tv ) he tells me he has been chasing a frog around that the cat had bought in and thats why nothing was ready.I managed to fume inwardly and say nothing.Whilst eating our meal in the kitchen i can still hear (you'd be deaf not to) the droning on of ###### star trek,when i asked if i could turn it down he said "turn it off,but i decided to put the news on instead. This caused the reaction from him that he thought i was going to turn it off,when i said i wanted the news on he said there wasn't much difference between the news and star trek and that he was watching it before i came in.I don't usually give in so easily as i am a very stronged willed person and hate men to think they can get the better of me when i know i'm in the right.,so here i am again in the study on my computer in tears while he watches(noisily)his tv. He seems to be saying more and more hurtful things and i'm not sure how to handle them.He hasn't been diagnosed and when i approached the subject a few months ago he gave some bizzare remark,which i never understand(yes this happens frequently)and turns it round that I have a problem not him.He is oblivious to how i am feeling here on my own tonight and will say to me tomorrow or later,"would you like a cuppa,or "are you ok".I do feel relieved to read letters like yours but i'm sure you will agree,it is very trying and tiring living with somebody like this.I have shown my frustration and anger in many ways but nothing phases him out,which makes me even more angry. I told him a few weeks ago that I was leaving(I wouldn't if we could discuss this and him accept it but there is no way he will). his reaction to my threat of leaving was"you now there are boxes in the attic don't you?"He has noboddy in his life except me and my friends and family and he issues invites to all and sundry yet when we go out or they visit,he sits in silence,doesn't appreciate anybodys humour and totally embarrasses me.Now i've droned on,have you any tips or ideas of how to make the most of this situation.(he is 56)

The icing on the cake was when I had just as much as I could take and took up the offer of a night in a hotel with a male friend,I found i couldnt lie and told him the truth,expecting to be thrown out.his reaction was"i'm making toast how many rounds do you want" as we sat to eat it he said"well at least you got l....d."he hasnt mentioned it from that day to this,surely this is not the behaviour of a man whose been living with a woman for 6 years.I cant cry anymore so i'm off to bed.

thanks for your time and reading this.

linda.

[BuntyB]

Hi Linda and welcome!

I sympathise entirely with how you must be feeling.

The sad thing about behaviours brought about by AS is that they mimic thoughless and selfish actions and this is really tough for anyone on the receiving end of it.

 

With other disabilities, a trip to the doctor to diagnose brings about medication, adaptions to help the person cope, but not so with AS. Your husband is actually right- 'you' (society) is the one with the problem. He can go along in his own world completely oblivious as to how you are feeling and a diagnosis only serves to help others understand why he behaves in the way he does.

 

There are things that you can do, for example, when you want the table setting, do you say 'I am going for a take-away, you set the table' or do you expect him (as would be reasonable for an nt person) to guess that this would be helpful?

 

In our house, we have resorted to several tvs and several computers so issues about who watch what don't cause a hassle, or you might have to spell out and draw up a timetable about which days and times he can watch star trek (when you are out, lol!) and when you would like to watch your programmes. He honestly won't get why you want him to switch his programmes off and have your on.

 

At the end of the day, every disability brings about problems for those who live with them. If he was in a wheelchair and couldn't climb the stairs or get into the bath the difficulties and the fact they can't be helped would be obvious. There are a lot of good books about living with AS, but only you can decide if you can adapt sufficiently to making the relationship worthwhile. His answer to your threat of leaving is 'logical' it would be easier if you had boxes. He doesn't appreciate that he may have influence on your decisions or how his behaviour has made you feel so desperate.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[linda]

Hi Linda and welcome!

I sympathise entirely with how you must be feeling.

The sad thing about behaviours brought about by AS is that they mimic thoughless and selfish actions and this is really tough for anyone on the receiving end of it.

 

With other disabilities, a trip to the doctor to diagnose brings about medication, adaptions to help the person cope, but not so with AS. Your husband is actually right- 'you' (society) is the one with the problem. He can go along in his own world completely oblivious as to how you are feeling and a diagnosis only serves to help others understand why he behaves in the way he does.

 

There are things that you can do, for example, when you want the table setting, do you say 'I am going for a take-away, you set the table' or do you expect him (as would be reasonable for an nt person) to guess that this would be helpful?

 

In our house, we have resorted to several tvs and several computers so issues about who watch what don't cause a hassle, or you might have to spell out and draw up a timetable about which days and times he can watch star trek (when you are out, lol!) and when you would like to watch your programmes. He honestly won't get why you want him to switch his programmes off and have your on.

 

At the end of the day, every disability brings about problems for those who live with them. If he was in a wheelchair and couldn't climb the stairs or get into the bath the difficulties and the fact they can't be helped would be obvious. There are a lot of good books about living with AS, but only you can decide if you can adapt sufficiently to making the relationship worthwhile. His answer to your threat of leaving is 'logical' it would be easier if you had boxes. He doesn't appreciate that he may have influence on your decisions or how his behaviour has made you feel so desperate.

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

HI Shona and thanks so much for your reply,it does put things a little more into prospective.We have had yet another ding dong tonight about his smoking and inconsideration as far as i'm concerned.Hope you dont mind me relating the story but i find it helps such a lot to be able to talk about it.I gave up smoking 21/2 years ago just because i wanted to and also the cost.He smokes 25-30 benson and hedges a day,which of course makes his hair clothes breath etc etc. stink. He had a scare last month,rushed in to hospital with suspected heart attack,after tests etc.they found out he had hardening of the arteies but his heart was ok.he was told to give up smoking or he would loose his leg/s. When he carried on and ignored this advise i lost my temper and told him how inconsiderate he was being to me,he told me i was the one with a health problem not him and maybe i should have some tests.I am only on blood pressure tablets and otherwise fit and well.(he is 56 i'm 53) We have been unable to go out today because i cant stand the smell in the car or on him,yet he cant see what the problem is.Am I being to picky here and would it be better if i gave into him,this is something i'm seeming to do all the time lately. As for the tv in every room because we live in a bungalow we cannot get a signal only from a sky dish which we have for the main tv,when asked what it entailed for me to have a tv in the bedroom i was told it wouldn't work and theres no need because i can always watch the one in the lounge,yesterday proved this not to be the case.I am really fed up of all this and wish i could find a way of either accepting it or leaving.I have told him today I want out and will he sort out the finances then I can go.(we have a joint mortgage) his answer was "you do it" I could scream with frustration. Another irritating habit he has is lining everything up and putting things straight and tidy,eg. everynight the five remote controls are put in a straight line like a row of soldiers,his keys,lighter,cigarettes,glasses and anything else on the table is lined up and anything i've lfet around the room or kitchen is put in a tidy pile on the end of the work top. Is this another trait of AS. or am i imagining things.It feels so good to talk to somebody who knows where i'm coming from.When I told him earlier that i was writing to others involved withAS his reply was OH,AND WHO MIGHT THEY BE? almost as if other people were rubbish. Any advise or related issues would be very gratefully recieved.Once again thanks.

Linda.

[bid]

Hi Linda <'>

 

I have thought hard about replying to your posts, because I really don't want to appear intrusive, insensitive or rude

 

With that in mind, please don't be offended if I ask what either of you are gaining from the relationship you are describing here? I appreciate that I can't possibly know the full picture, but it does seem to me that neither of you are particularly happy or fulfilled...

 

Might it be that both of you could each find your own 'version' of personal happiness in other, different relationships??

 

I'm really worried that I might have gone too far with these thoughts...if so, please accept my apologies

 

I really do wish you (both) the very best...

 

Bid <'>

[BuntyB]

Another irritating habit he has is lining everything up and putting things straight and tidy,eg. everynight the five remote controls are put in a straight line like a row of soldiers,his keys,lighter,cigarettes,glasses and anything else on the table is lined up and anything i've lfet around the room or kitchen is put in a tidy pile on the end of the work top. Is this another trait of AS. or am i imagining things.

 

Yes, this most definitely an aspie trait. Most other women moan their bloke leaves mucky socks, beer cans, tea bags and nail clippings lying around, lol!

 

Do you feel you need permission to leave this man because he is driving you crazy? We all have our little ways, some of which would annoy one person but not another. If you can't live with him and you want to leave him, the easiest way to sort the finances is to file for divorce and it will need to be resolved by solicitors. As far as I am aware the DDA hasn't affected the right to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour- unless anyone knows different!

Edited June 19, 2006 by Shona

[linda]

Yes, this most definitely an aspie trait. Most other women moan their bloke leaves mucky socks, beer cans, tea bags and nail clippings lying around, lol!

 

Do you feel you need permission to leave this man because he is driving you crazy? We all have our little ways, some of which would annoy one person but not another. If you can't live with him and you want to leave him, the easiest way to sort the finances is to file for divorce and it will need to be resolved by solicitors. As far as I am aware the DDA hasn't affected the right to divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour- unless anyone knows different!

 

Hi Shona,

Thanks so much for your helpful reply,I have had an incling for months that things were not right when he was lining things up and fanatical about things being in their place.Every morning he plumps up the pillows and folds the top sheet over the duvet then folds it back and smooths it out. This is only one of dozens of things that he does,i even began to question whether he was gay as he acts so much like a woman sometimes. Have you any tips on how to handle this behaviour,especially his hurtful remarks,which after reading topics on the forum,i now understand that he doesn't mean things as they are said. As for divorcing him,we are not married,we have bought a large expensive house together in joint names.He pays a larger amount of the mortgage,bills etc as he earns so much more than me. So i am assuming that if we did split i would get my share and he keep his,I have asked him again this weekend to sort things out financially and he just tells me to do it. I don't want to split up really because we have a lovely home we have a lot of things in common,but the social side and sex side (lack of them) is getting to me,and no matter how much i try and talk to him regarding these issues,he always turns it around to put the blame on me.I think i will give it a bit longer,especially as I am convinced he is an aspie,and see if i can live with him.I am so relieved to be able to have a solution to his odd behaviour.

thanks so much.

linda

[linda]

Hi Linda <'>

 

I have thought hard about replying to your posts, because I really don't want to appear intrusive, insensitive or rude

 

With that in mind, please don't be offended if I ask what either of you are gaining from the relationship you are describing here? I appreciate that I can't possibly know the full picture, but it does seem to me that neither of you are particularly happy or fulfilled...

 

Might it be that both of you could each find your own 'version' of personal happiness in other, different relationships??

 

I'm really worried that I might have gone too far with these thoughts...if so, please accept my apologies

 

I really do wish you (both) the very best...

 

Bid <'>

 

HI,Thanks so much for your reply,it is lovely to be able to talk to others about this,and have my suspisions confirmed.You are right (there was certainly no offence taken from your reply) about neither of us seeming happy in this relationship.I think he is happier than me,he has everything done for him,washing,ironing,cooked tea on table every night and weekends,cup of tea waiting as he gets up in the morning,all home made bread,cakes etc etc etc. also i have a sick mother in a nursing home,i visit every dat,my father 82 who i look out for daily + i work full time.So all in all i don't think he has much to be unhappy with,yet I have been to my cousins and cried buckets asking,what am i getting out of this relationship,besides a beautiful home full of expensive material things,when all i want is a social life,which he can well afford + a bit of bedroom fun, but i get nothing in return.I wouldn't take or ask for any money from him,so therefore i feel its all work and no play where i'm concerned.I have had a bit of "fun" with a male friend which he knows about(i never lie to him about anything) but even that just drifts over his head and he will start talking about the weather or something else completely irrelevant. I am going to think long and hard over the next few days and come to a firm decision.

thanks again for your time reading my letter and your reply.

linda.