how

[board]

hello i was just wondering if your children are the same as my daughter she is so good at school but when she gets home its like a diffrent person hitting shouting how can they be so diffrent round other people when she meets new people she will not speak to them they just say she is very shy my mother and mother inlaw say she looks at them as if she hates them so how dose she cope with school any help understand this please all the best jill

[jb1964]

Hi Board,

 

I know that this is mainly the reason why my daughter slipped through primary without much notice. Apparently they conform and control - usually after doing this for a long period results in some fall-out when they go home.

 

If (!) my daughter goes to school of a day - she's allowed a certain amount of time in her comfort zone as soon as she gets in (to unwind and be left alone - usually on the computer etc).

[helenmorbey]

Hello, im new to all this but if you read my post further down you will see that my little girl is the same, i wish nursery could be "flies on the wall" here at home, boy theyd get a shock! Helen x

[rainbow queen]

hi board-this is exactly prob im having with my son hes 4

my mum and dad also say well how come he treats us lot like dirt and screams /hits ,ect.... then go school and say not a word

 

im trying to get folk to believe me at moment-ongoing process

[Kathryn]

I can relate to everything you are all saying- it's a while ago now, but when my dd started infant school she was very quiet and dilligent in class but often used to scream all the way home (it was a short ten minute walk). We didn't know she was on the spectrum then - I used to think she just needed an energy boost and would bring her a snack to eat on the way home.

[justamom]

Yes, I can totally relate, K is like a coiled spring once home he unwinds.... He does not do anything of the behaviours we see at home during school times... Sometimes people think i make up things but i would rather have him good at school. We had a thread a while ago passive at school/meltdowns at home if you search those key words you will see there are loads of us that have just the same problem.

 

justamom

[Suze]

I can relate to this , but my son goes the other way also.Yesterday he came home from school, seemed o.k. , he went to his room and played then came down to see if tea was ready.He looked at the pasta I was cooking and went mad.........it was the wrong shape.I told himhe could just have the bolognese sauce instead.Some time later we could,nt find him, we shouted and then started to look.We found him in his bed, coiled into his duvet and very angry. ................he was seething but wrapped up so the meltdown was controlled I suppose .Hours later he surfaced and had a bath and a sandwich........all was o.k. again, but he was still telling his dad ........."but I don,t like tubes"

[PinkSapphireAngel]

My son is 11 and is EXACTLY the same, I am trying to encourage him to be the same in school but when he does try to express himself he is punished for it!

[board]

i like to say thank you all for your help its nice to know i am not alone in this i will find out on the 12 of april if my daughter is aspergers so lot of things going throught mind it been a hard fright to get this far so thank you for your help hope you all have a nice day jill

[Lindyloo]

Hi,

 

Luke is exactly the same. In fact we have been having great difficulty getting CAMHS to proceed with a diagnosis for his ASD side, as we keep beeing told that his school reports are fine and that he is doing really well at school.

 

Think we finally got somewhere last week, bacause we went from being told they would speak to school and take it further based on what was said, to a point at the end of the appointment where the psychiatrist said he would get things started with a diagnosis, regardless of what is reported from school.

 

It is nice to know this is such a common problem.

 

Linda

x

[mum22boys]

We have exactly the same problem. M often speaks to us and looks at us as if he detests us, we have now got used to it. He is very rude and constantly shouts at us and gives his commands. And yes he 'copes' at school and behaves ok. Once out that classroom at the end of the day it's a different story, he goes into meltdown often and I am hit, kicked, spat at and punched.

 

I know how you feel it's very difficult to get a school who see no problems to understand that we get them all because they have this coping mechanism.

 

Hope you get the news you are expecting when the DX comes in.

 

mum22boys

[av16]

We have exactly the same problem. M often speaks to us and looks at us as if he detests us, we have now got used to it. He is very rude and constantly shouts at us and gives his commands. And yes he 'copes' at school and behaves ok. Once out that classroom at the end of the day it's a different story, he goes into meltdown often and I am hit, kicked, spat at and punched.

 

I know how you feel it's very difficult to get a school who see no problems to understand that we get them all because they have this coping mechanism.

 

Hope you get the news you are expecting when the DX comes in.

 

mum22boys

 

Hi, until my son got to Yr 3 he was exactly the same but my Dad died very suddenly and A was very close to him, he also found it more difficult to cope with staying in his seat most of the time and then took a dislike to a student teacher and started to behave in school the way he always has at home. It has got worse unfortunately resulting in a couple of fixed term exclusions. I look back on the 'old' days when he was good at school and wonder how it can have all changed and wonder about the future.

 

Although hard I think if they're good at school it makes it a bit easier to bear the meltdowns etc at home.

I'm hoping that I've made you feel a little bit better.

[jen]

my friends child holds it together until he comes out of school then he attacks her in the playground and uses her as a punching bag.#

 

Its very difficult as a number of things can stress our children both at school and at home.

 

Jen

[kevilou]

<'>

A view from the other side of the coin

We have asd 12yr old boy

For years I blamed myself because I could not bond with R and although I did not know what was wrong, I knew something wasn't right. However, trying to tell professionals I just felt like I was being an over anxious mother and my fears were all in my head

However, in some respects we were fortunate that he displayed the same traits at school as at home, melt downs etc.

Anyway due to concerns at school we were refered to CAMH when he was 5.

From there we were helped by the clinical psych to draw up stratergies at home with R and also attended parenting classes.

We learnt so much and did not believe the impact positive re-inforcement among a lot of other useful tools would and still has on our family life.

I would recommend going to one of the classes, they changed the way we approached things and they made a difference

Things at home are a lot calmer, however at school R frequently has melt downs and were still working on that

So reading all your posts I just thought I would throw it in the pot for you all

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I'm not expert, but have read several fantastic books on ASDs. One of the best ones being 'Surviving the Special Educational Needs System: How to Be a Velvet Bulldozer'�by Sandy Row ? this woman adopted 3 children all the an ASD as well as other problems (eg abuse). Sandy gives an amazing insight into each of the children's difficulties and how she battled to get them diagnoses and a proper education. In this book a psychologist give a good analogy for the angelic behaviour in school and then horrendous behaviour at home. The psychologist (in my simplistic terminology!) likened the child being in class where everyone talks German whereby the child has to concentrate really hard to try and understand what's being said. That child tries to confirm, fit in and make sense of what's going on around him/her. Come home-time, the child's concentration has 'ran out' and the child is pretty stressed and anxious and lets off steam by behaving badly. Certainly makes a lot of sense. I've read similar explanations in several other books as well. Just wish these so-called specialists could be flies on walls for a day!

 

Caroline.

[jomica]

Hi Board - I can relate to this too. My 9 yr old behaves so well at school and seems to do his best to fit in and not stand out from the crowd. Quite a lot of the time he does this by not commenting when he doesn't understand something which, of course, doesn't do his schoolwork much good! It also means that when people come in to observe him they think that we're over-concerned parents. He's losing more and more of his 1:1 support year by year because of it - LEA records show that he copes well at school.

 

But he doesn't cope well at school, because all the time he's internalising his frustrations and they all come spilling out the moment we leave the school gate. Sometimes I find myself with a child laying on the pavement in full meltdown, being stared at by parents who obviously think we've lost the plot entirely. Most times we manage to get home first and then he explodes into an angry, frustrated young man. He feels he can let his hair down at home but not at school.

 

You're not alone, but it doesn't help our case when asking for more support at school, I can tell you!

 

Suze: I'm glad I'm not the only one who cooks the wrong shape pasta!!!!

[KarenT]

Me too. J holds himself together very well in school, particularly in class time when there is the structure he thrives on, although he does get into trouble frequently in the yard when the rules are blurred. I have to say he's doing very well at the moment and is coming home quite happy and settled, but that's a very recent development and throughout last year I had the bruises to show for his daytime stresses and how he released it at the end of school.

 

YOu're not alone, as you can see from the many replies in the same vein!

 

Karen

x

[lsw146]

The passive child is well written about by Tony Attwood and others and is definatley the reason it has taken us 6 years to get a referral to psychiatry. Now she is in senior school some of the more obvious square oeg in round hole features are becoming apparent and I will keep appearing at school and my GP's until the see the full picture.

 

When you think about hte ammount of energy that must be involved in passing as NT in school and lessons it is not surprising the are exhauste, hyper or uncontrollable at home. I do sort of wish it was the other way around though?!

[KarenT]

Suze: I'm glad I'm not the only one who cooks the wrong shape pasta!!!!

Hmmm, pasta. J eats Simpsons pasta, green and red bits only (no sauce), and has to have even numbers of each so that he can alternate the flavours (but of course he doesn't have obsessive behaviours...). So as an experiment to see just how obsessive this was I gave him four of one and five of another and he hit the roof! Spent ten minutes hiding under a cushion in the living room, screaming that I'd got it wrong and it was all my fault.

 

Proved a point though.

 

Karen

x