Does your child ever learn from their mistakes?

[mum22boys]

Hi all,

 

Just wondering....

 

M is six and I feel I spend all my time telling him off because he does the same things over and over again, or in some cases doesn't do what asked!!

 

He answers us back constantly even though we could tell him till we are blue in the face and he is still so rude. Yesterday hubby asked him to clear toys up several times (probably over 10 times) and he just carries on running up and down. Hubby loses his temper and tells him off and M cries and gets very upset, so i explain to him the cause of his Dad being angry and he says he won't do it again. Till tonight that is and it starts all over again

 

It seems the same with every thing we tell him or ask him, he challanges us all the time and refuses to do most things we ask. if he is asked to pick something up , he didn't get it out. if he answers us back he says he didn't, although i suspect he doesn't understand what answering back is.

 

Is this normal 6 year old behaviour or a feature of AS or do we just have a very naughty child?

 

Any thoughts please?

 

mum22boys

[justamom]

K never learns from his mistakes.

 

Once at CHAMS i brought this issue up because Keegan was being bullied and kept on going back for more as it were, he read the social cues incorrectly and never learnt that he was being made fun of

 

He never learns from his mistakes and in general, in all avenues. The guy at CHAMS said to me that he will never learn from these types of situations, not sure if it applies to your particular situation. Its to do with the social issues he finds difficult....

 

I do have to keep telling him over and over again and for example tonight i caught him jumping on the trampoline for the 4th time(with his newly broken arm)and when i gave him a different explanation and told him exactly why - like he could fall on his arm and rebrake it and end up in A&E again - did i see it finally dawned on him why i was tell him not to do it....

 

Hope this makes sense.

 

Justamom

[trance]

Hi Reading your post was as if i was reading something I had written myself. My lad has just turned 7 and its exactly the same. He has adhd but recently suspecting asd too and have come on here to get some onfo and support. So i am not sure whether its just an as trait but to let you know you are not on your own with that one. x

[rainbow queen]

well my son is the same

wears u out repeating instructions all the time

[Tylers-mum]

Yep, my son is 6 (nearly 7) and going on 17! I swear this kid has hit puberty early!

 

His behaviour these past few weeks has increased for thw worst and it's hard. Everything is a battle, even the simpliest of instructions turn into battles and his tone of voice, his whole attitude and his arguing is getting me down. Trying to nip it in the bud b/c I think he's basically challenging me and trying to win control. I posted about this on another board I visit and their replies were spot on!

 

Hang in there, you are not alone, believe you me!!

Edited April 17, 2006 by Tylers-mum

[LizK]

My four year old is the same. He can be relentless sometimes and I just can't seem to get through to him. He hits his brother, I put him in timemout, he gets upset, comes back in, hits brother again and this can go on and on with him seemingly not learning from what's happened. I've seen friend's kids be defiant and deliberately keep doing something they ought not to like as a power struggle or way of trying to test boundaries or assert dominance and I guess my son does this too but a lot of the time it's completely different quality to it and he just doesn't seem to 'get it'.

 

I think it's many factors really. He's particularly worse if he's more hyperactive or impulsive. I think he likes the 'chase' and the game of it as he perceives it and doens't relaly understand the impact of hitting or teasing on others. The theory of mind thing, 'cos he thinks it is funny maybe he thinks everyone else does too. He's not too good recognising others emotions. His receptive language delay doesn't help either and his short term memory is not so great and I think he sometimes forgets why he's been put in time out or told off. He has difficutlies generalising things from one situation to another too

 

I'm very good at analysing why but that's as far as I get. Knowing what to do about it is the relaly tricky bot. We've started trying to be less confrontational and stopped using time out unless absolutely necessary as neither approach was really working. I still feel quite helpless at times though knowing what to do though I'm being unfair saying he doesn't learn from his mistakes because he does but it takes him so much longer and I fear I haven't got the patience to keep repeating the same things over and over until it clicks

 

Lx

[baddad]

Does your child ever learn from their mistakes?

 

 

Eventually....

 

It's a very well recognised feature of ASD's - all linking in with theory of mind and with 'Rote Learning' which is how most people on the spectrum tend to absorb information...

Repetitive play is often an 'exploration' of this feature: the same action repeated over and over again until the child is EVENTUALLY reassured that the outcome is probably going to be the same too...

 

L&P

BD

[lil_me]

Think Badders hit the nail on the head there, my son sometimes learns from mistakes but when he does it is a paranoia, like when he burnt himself on the fire, he is now petrified of fire. He fell down the stairs, now he is just starting to walk down them again but prefers to go on his bottom.

 

Impulsivity along with not being able to predict what will happen if they do something makes 'learning from mistakes' very difficult for our little special people.

[lisann]

Hi all yep my 4.5 year old is driving us mad with the answering back what do you do???He also shouts loudly over what you are asking or saying and butts in on coversations with no reason and to say nothing in perticular aaaaggggrrrrr!!!!!

 

Have to agree though certain things he has learnt not to do like the touching the fire but only through guess what touching the fire and getting burnt.Again he is now frightened silly of the thing but certain things he just keeps on doing.It gets you very down!!!!

 

 

Lisa

[Mummy21]

I just wanted to say my son is just like all of yours and I thought it was just me, I am glad to see others are going through the same and like me are finding it frustrating with all the answering back.

 

Joanne xxx

Edited April 19, 2006 by Mummy21

[elaine1]

I do find if i spell it out as you say, t does understand. If i just generally say stop that i already told you it goes in one ear and out of the other <'>

[Lucas]

I'm slightly upset by this thread.

 

Reading through it, I see parents agreeing that their kids do not learn from their 'mistakes'. These mistakes consist of the child disagreeing with the parent, so of course this is a mistake: they should never disagree ever.

 

The one example given of a genuine mistake on the part of the child is that of a boy with a broken arm bouncing on a trampoline. As I expect: when the boy has the faults of this explained to him, he immediately understands and heeds advice. This contradicts any notion that he indeed does not learn from mistakes.

 

I think the definition of 'mistake' here needs looking at.

[darky]

maybe mistake isnt a good word, but we all know what you mean. my daughter does not seem to learn either. trouble is, she does not very often "intend" to do things, it just happens. so when she says she "wont do it again" she means it. like for eg, whilst on the playstation, she will get a disc out leave it on the floor and whilse shes engrossed on it shes mopping the floor with the disc. scratching the disc was not her intention, so telling her off for scratching the discs bears no relevance to her. same with the pc, shes impulsive and impatient, so she clicks away at the mouse and sets up 100's of folders. she did not "intend" to jam up my pc with loads of folders, she was un aware of what she was doing. to be "naughty" there has to be "intent" its not very often shes "intentionaly" naughty. sometimes its a matter of how you word things to them if you want the message to get across to them in the right way.

[Lucas]

That's proberly a better explaination, I can understand that.

 

I cannot learn from something I can't sense to begin with. I can make a mess and not know I'm doing it, so telling me to not make a mess is simply not going to work. What will happen is that children will begin to understand which things they do lead to causing problems for others, they will then develop methods for preventing it that they can handle. The problem there is that those methods may seem unusual to others and the stigma attached then prevents them from doing things in their own way that they know will work.

 

I often just don't know what people are asking of me.

[Mummy21]

I find with my son I have to go into detail what he has done and what has happened as a result, then I have to explain what I would have prefered him to have done and what the result of that action would be..... he is very literal and finds this method easier to cope with then just 'STOP' or 'DON'T DO THAT'.......

 

I also can understand him not understanding what is being asked, so this I suppose is where I can find myself repeating stuff over and over........... on saying that though I don't find it a big problem, i understand he has a different look on life and what I am asking probably doesn't make sense to him..... no wonder its forgotton 10 mins later LOL

[mum22boys]

Lucas it appears i have upset you again!

 

I seem to use words that offend you. 'Control' was the last one and now 'mistake'!

 

When I write a thread it is the way i look at my situation at the time. I see it from my point of view which is why i use these words. I do not do it to cause you upset. As far as I am concerned a mistake is something someone does wrong and if i tell M not to do it and he doesn't like the consequence i.e being told off, and then does it again and we have the same scenario then he has not learned.

 

I think it would be a shame if we as individuals have to think everytime we use seemingly innocent words in case we cause upset. i only wanted to ask a question and sometimes it takes quite a lot of courage to ask some things. I am begining to wonder if it is worth it if it offends others.

 

Hope no one else is offended.

 

mum22boys

[lisann]

Hi Mum22boys

 

I certainly wasn't offended. I think different people take things different ways. I would encourage you to keep writing what you feel as that is the way I write and if I offend people then I'm sorry but it's the way I see things.The world certainly would be a dull place if we all thought the same way and expressed the same things.

 

 

keep posting

 

Love Lisa x

Edited April 19, 2006 by lisann

[Mummy21]

I agree with Lisa Mum22Boys, and when I first read the question I took it exactly how you mean't it............ No offence here xxx

[Brook]

I think my son would first have to recognise that it was a 'mistake', in order to learn by it, but if I told

him off for making a mess and to pick it all up and went on at him, he would get anxious with me

because he could see my annoyance about picking it up but not actually focus on the initial thing that

caused it 'making a mess', so the next day he would make a mess again!! If I said to him beforehand

'when you have finished playing with your toys, put them back in the box' and he didn't put them back

in the box when finished, then I would say 'you have finished with your toys and what did I say to do

with them when you had finished'? and then prompt in the box.

 

Sometimes when I go up to the loo, my son will shout up the stairs 'dont come down yet mum,

I have a surprise', I always know then that he is tidying up, I have to close my eyes and open them

when I get into the room, I have to go really OTT with praise, although having said that it's mostly

genuine praise anyway.

 

Believe me, I have walked into my frontroom and it's been unrecognisable, there have been toys strewn

everywhere, empty crisp packets thrown onto the floor, game discs scattered etc.. although inside I

could scream, I have to go through each one individually ie.. where do you put empty crisp packets?

where do the toys go when you are not playing with them? where do the discs belong? so if he drops

an empty packet I say 'where do they go' he replies 'in the bin' and continues to sit there, so I always

have to say 'so put it where it belongs then'.

 

I also use little rewards like 'when you have tidied the room and there is somewhere to sit, mum will

read you a story', he gets really excited and we end up making tidying up a bit of a game.

 

Sorry, I'm starting to go on now.

 

Brook

[Jill]

The Boy doesn't seem to learn quickly, it does take a while. For example, we were on holiday and exploring some little caves on the beach. The cave roof was low and you had to duck (even The Boy) to get in. He banged his head several times because he kept trying to stand up - quite good bangs too.

 

After doing this several times he did realise and stopped trying to stand up (it was no good trying to explain to him as he was only 3 and had even less language than the little he has now).

 

He also doesn't take what he has learnt in one place to another - transferral of skills I think is part of an ASD? - if he has to duck to go somewhere different he will have to bang his head a few times before it clicks that he needs to keep low there too.

 

Poor lamb - I don't want you to think we're always putting him in small spaces! I just use this as an example of how difficult he finds it to learn from mistakes. It's even harder for him to learn and understand about things we don't want him to do, but he does pick it up eventually with repetition.

 

I look at it that it's us (me n hubby) that has the problem - it's down to us to present it to him in a way he understands - we're the parents and it's our job to help him learn. It can be quite frustrating at times, but just as frustrating for him too.

 

Well, that's my view anyway.

[DaisyProudfoot]

Just thought you'd like to hear what some folks say about learning from our mistakes

 

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Oscar Wilde

 

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

Samuel Butler

 

The years teach much which the days never knew.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.

Benjamin Franklin