older preson with aspergers

[linda]

HI Everybody,

I have just joined this group after trying to work out the problems I was having with my partner.(he's 56 now but I realised something not quite right 8 years ago when we met.) I have worked with disabled children and their families for 30 years and never encountered this sort of behaviour before. I find it difficult to put in writing how he behaves,so excuse me if it sounds a bit odd.He has no friends only mine,no social contact with any collegues,despite having a very high powered job and having to give presentations,talks etc,to large amounts of people and he has no contact with his grown up children or any other members of his family. When his mother died he didnt tell me for 12hours and wouldn't let me meet her whilst she was alive or have anything to do with the funeral.etc. I come from a large welsh family who are always socialising,having get togethers and generally having fun.Despite all this my partner never joins in a conversation unless its about his work or something technical,he never sees the funny side of things and is so straight laced in most situations.I am finding all this very embarresing and find myself making excuses for him.We recently went out for a meal with 4 frinds to a lovely restaraunt and he sat with his outer coat on all evening. I shan't go on too much but hopefully you can get my drift about him.My friend who works with autistic children has said for a long time that he has aspergers and i must be honest I am beginning to think she's right. Any thoughts or comments on this would be most welcome. Can I just add that he is very affectionate but dislikes any form of pleasure in the bedroom,even here eye contact is avoided. thanks for taking the time to read this.I already feel better about things knowing that I might have an answer to his behaviour in life.He also says hurtfull things and when I comment on them he says I am being over sensative,which I know not to be the case.

linda.

[smiley]

<'> Hello Linda and welcome <'>

 

I'm sorry i can't give you any advice, my son is aspergic, not my dp.

 

There are people here who can give you some advice - just wanted to send some of these <'> <'>

[aro]

funnily my mum and I say the same about my stepdad! He only talks about facts, nothing in small talk and rarely offers personal info, spends most of the day on his computer playing patience, has vast collection of old computers and hoovers, needs to hoover at least twice a day and even when guests are around

never remenices(?SP) if he does come out anywhere he stays in the car! (PUTS PRESSURE ON EVERYONE TO HURRY AS HE IS WAITING) has very little understanding of peoples feelings, his mum remarked the other day that he didn't talk much as a boy, I could keep going but you get the idea

[justamom]

When going thru the dx process with my son, we noticed that my father has all the traits of As, he is self dx at the age of 59 - we just thought he was a grumpy old man - god love him now we know all about AS he is just who he is even if he is one difficult B#####d to get along with..... We just understand him more now!!

 

No real advice to give you except patience you have to have alot of patience!!!

Edited June 17, 2006 by justamom

[Paula]

Linda

 

My son is 12 and has aspergers syndrome it was only when we had him that we realised his grandad(my dad) and my dads cousen were exactly like him.

 

My dads 59 years of age.He hopless at writing but can work out complex sums in his head in seconds,he also has his pet subjects and goes on about them regardless of others.My mum complaines constantly about his lack of affection infact to be totally honest my father never has any physical contact with her at all.he never shows any emotion what so ever and yet is a good father.

 

His cousen lives alone always has done.Is a whizz at anything to do with engineering and has loads of equipment he can make anything and goes on and on about miniscule details againe regardless of any body else.

 

To be blunt and kinda to the point both my father his cousen and my son are like "Roy Cropper" combined with Mr Spock.My grandfather was the same and im told my gret grandfather was "odd" and never ever made eye contact.

 

Hope this helps even if it just lets you see youre not alone.

 

May i just say just because someone doesnt openly show emotion easily doesnt mean they dont feel it deep down kinda thing.Weve learnt to know that with our son and in a way my dad.

[bid]

Hi Linda

 

My dad is 77, and was diagnosed last year when he was undergoing mental health assessments (sadly he has dementia), although we were finally able to give his 'eccentricity' a name 10 years ago when my eldest son was diagnosed.

 

I have also been referred to see if I have AS. You'd have to ask my nearest and dearest what I am like to live with!

 

Hope you stick around, and that we can help with some of your concerns.

 

Bid

[lisann]

Hi and welcome my hubby def' thinks he has traits and I have to agree he too doesn't have friends and doesn't like to make keep or join in a conversation.He loves being alone and has his little routines.No help but it is wearing sometimes having to deal with Char (my little one dx ASD) and my hubby especially if they both have meltsowns at the same time !!

 

 

Lisa x

[barefoot wend]

linda

 

I have looked at your post for a while now and wondered about replying. This is a difficult area for me. It is obvious to me since my son was diagnosed with Aspergers that my Dad also had it - he died nine years ago. First, my Mum had, and still has, no idea. Thay had a long marriage - over 50 years - but I don't think it was plain sailing. I was very close to my Dad and he was a wonderful father to six children - I know that this is not the case for all here. My Mum loved him very much.

 

It was difficult for my Mum at times - he didn't socialise well and she was very sociable. I think the fact that she was an only child helped.

 

At the end of the day, you are the only person who can weigh up the positives and negatives (as is the case in any relationship) and decide where you want to go.

 

I would certainly suggest looking at the Natiional Autistic Society site and looking for info., I know that there are books wriiten by spouses , and seeing where you go from there.

 

I very much hope you will continue to keep in touch with us all here as you sound great!

 

Barefoot

[justamom]

Linda

 

May i just say just because someone doesnt openly show emotion easily doesnt mean they dont feel it deep down kinda thing.Weve learnt to know that with our son and in a way my dad.

 

So true Paula, my father is the same he does not show much emotion but does not mean he does not feel any, sometimes he will squeeze my knee and say "alright ########(my name) and thats his form of showing affection. He has always been a good father to us and he is the one that understands my son the most, he kinda sees himself in keegan...

 

My dad is a collector of trains, he has hundreds i mean hundreds and every now and again we have to clear out the garage and set his trains up and he is as happy as a pig in sh#t playing with his trains, yes this is a 61 yr old man.... I would never have him any other way!!!

[TheNeil]

Whoa - you've just pretty much described me (and I'm a dx'd adult Aspie)!

 

Don't take things to heart when he says something 'wrong' or hurtful as, chances are, he's just blurted out what's popped into his head and not been able to see what the ramifications/effects are. I like to think of it as being ultra-honest but without any of sugar coating that 'normal' people use

[Stephanie]

Have you had a look at any books or contacted the National Autistic Society for leaflets and information?? There are some good books about living with/being married to partners who are on the spectrum (mainly Aspergers).

 

Some people have lots of traits but do not meet all the criteria for having an ASD.

 

Since my son who is 5 has been diagnosed, I am finding traits in everyone, my husband included but not to the extent where I think he is autistic or fits into all three categories on the triad of impairments.

 

Have you mentioned it to him? Can he relate to his behaviour being seen as somewhat odd - like the coat in the restaurant etc? Does he want a diagnosis?

 

I think you will find some good books out there to help you understand how his mind works. Once you get inside their heads, it seems to make a lot more sense.

[Karen A]

Dear Linda my son has recently Dx with some aspergers traits.In the process of his psychiatric assessments we looked at my family mental health history.My father died 20 years ago and mum died 18 months ago so any thoughts are based on memories.However I think dad probably had aspegers traits also-caring man but loner,structured routine at home++,little emotional expression.I have also asked questions about myself.I have a very complicated mental health history and have had years of psychotherapy so it would be a challenge for anyone to decide if I have aspergers traits.All I can say is that I see a lot of myself in my son.My husband has needed patience,comitment and love ++ in order to remain with me.I know I have been obsessive,have liked routine and have some "ecentricities".On reading the literature it appears increasingly common for individuals themselves or family members to ? Aspergers in adults so you are not alone.As others have said there are some good books in which people share their stories.As far as I can gather it may be difficult to obtain a diagnosis as an adult as this is a new area for specialists however there people around asking similar questions .I hope this and the other posts provide some support and at least it lets you know you are not alone-I wish there were easy answers to what is a difficult situation for you. <'> Karen

[linda]

Linda

 

My son is 12 and has aspergers syndrome it was only when we had him that we realised his grandad(my dad) and my dads cousen were exactly like him.

 

My dads 59 years of age.He hopless at writing but can work out complex sums in his head in seconds,he also has his pet subjects and goes on about them regardless of others.My mum complaines constantly about his lack of affection infact to be totally honest my father never has any physical contact with her at all.he never shows any emotion what so ever and yet is a good father.

 

His cousen lives alone always has done.Is a whizz at anything to do with engineering and has loads of equipment he can make anything and goes on and on about miniscule details againe regardless of any body else.

 

To be blunt and kinda to the point both my father his cousen and my son are like "Roy Cropper" combined with Mr Spock.My grandfather was the same and im told my gret grandfather was "odd" and never ever made eye contact.

 

Hope this helps even if it just lets you see youre not alone.

 

May i just say just because someone doesnt openly show emotion easily doesnt mean they dont feel it deep down kinda thing.Weve learnt to know that with our son and in a way my dad.

 

HI Paula,

Thanks so much for your reply.It is a relief to know there are others like my partner and i am not alone with this.I am still trying to get my head around the best way to deal with it.At the moment we are not speaking(again) and it is phasing me out,the atmosphere is awful.As I write this he has just handed me a print out of information I found earlier about aspergers,I heard him give a chuckle before passing it to me,you can tell what he thinks of the situation,can't you,he just doesn't seem to take anything seriously.I am at screaming point.My partner is very cuddly and affectionate but attempt to take it any further and he clamps up.People who visit have told me that you can tell by the way that he looks at me that he thinks the world of me,yet he is so verbally hurtful with his cutting remarks.I just hope i can get my head around this before long because i feel as if i'm going mad.

thanks again and all the best.

linda.

[linda]

Have you had a look at any books or contacted the National Autistic Society for leaflets and information?? There are some good books about living with/being married to partners who are on the spectrum (mainly Aspergers).

 

Some people have lots of traits but do not meet all the criteria for having an ASD.

 

Since my son who is 5 has been diagnosed, I am finding traits in everyone, my husband included but not to the extent where I think he is autistic or fits into all three categories on the triad of impairments.

 

Have you mentioned it to him? Can he relate to his behaviour being seen as somewhat odd - like the coat in the restaurant etc? Does he want a diagnosis?

 

I think you will find some good books out there to help you understand how his mind works. Once you get inside their heads, it seems to make a lot more sense.

 

Hi Stephanie,thanks for taking the time to read my letter and reply.I don't think for one minute we will ever get a diagnosis because he insists its me with a problen,not him.I have approached the problem in numerous different ways but to no avail,he turns everything around or changes the subject.I am going to get some books this weekend and maybe when he sees me reading them he might take an interest or believe that i am serious about it. I will have to do something because i am at my wits end.

thanks again.

linda.

[linda]

Dear Linda my son has recently Dx with some aspergers traits.In the process of his psychiatric assessments we looked at my family mental health history.My father died 20 years ago and mum died 18 months ago so any thoughts are based on memories.However I think dad probably had aspegers traits also-caring man but loner,structured routine at home++,little emotional expression.I have also asked questions about myself.I have a very complicated mental health history and have had years of psychotherapy so it would be a challenge for anyone to decide if I have aspergers traits.All I can say is that I see a lot of myself in my son.My husband has needed patience,comitment and love ++ in order to remain with me.I know I have been obsessive,have liked routine and have some "ecentricities".On reading the literature it appears increasingly common for individuals themselves or family members to ? Aspergers in adults so you are not alone.As others have said there are some good books in which people share their stories.As far as I can gather it may be difficult to obtain a diagnosis as an adult as this is a new area for specialists however there people around asking similar questions .I hope this and the other posts provide some support and at least it lets you know you are not alone-I wish there were easy answers to what is a difficult situation for you. <'> Karen

 

Hi Karen , thanks so much for replying to my letter.I think my partners problem has probably run in the family,as his parents have both passed away,(his mum was alive whilst we've been together but he would never let me meet her.(he went to visit her 3 times,a few miles from where we live,and each time he took me to the nearest town to her home and gave me money to shop for a few hours)When i queried this he told me that she had a mental problem and he didnt want her to say or do anything that might upset me.I'm begginig now to wonder what it was he was afraid she was going to tell me.He has no friends/family etc.only on my side .I find him so deep and unwilling to communicate about anything personal.I'm not sure how much longer i can go on with this relationship,especially as i come from a very social lively family.Will read the books before making any desions,

thanks again.

linda.

[linda]

Whoa - you've just pretty much described me (and I'm a dx'd adult Aspie)!

 

Don't take things to heart when he says something 'wrong' or hurtful as, chances are, he's just blurted out what's popped into his head and not been able to see what the ramifications/effects are. I like to think of it as being ultra-honest but without any of sugar coating that 'normal' people use

 

Thanks for your reply,i understand what you're saying but i'm finding it very hard to accept the cutting remarks and lack of communication,especially as i try to discuss any problems we have but just get the blame put back on me.

thanks and all the best.

linda.

[linda]

linda

 

I have looked at your post for a while now and wondered about replying. This is a difficult area for me. It is obvious to me since my son was diagnosed with Aspergers that my Dad also had it - he died nine years ago. First, my Mum had, and still has, no idea. Thay had a long marriage - over 50 years - but I don't think it was plain sailing. I was very close to my Dad and he was a wonderful father to six children - I know that this is not the case for all here. My Mum loved him very much.

 

It was difficult for my Mum at times - he didn't socialise well and she was very sociable. I think the fact that she was an only child helped.

 

At the end of the day, you are the only person who can weigh up the positives and negatives (as is the case in any relationship) and decide where you want to go.

 

I would certainly suggest looking at the Natiional Autistic Society site and looking for info., I know that there are books wriiten by spouses , and seeing where you go from there.

 

I very much hope you will continue to keep in touch with us all here as you sound great!

 

 

Thanks so much for those kind words.The more i'm reading on here the more i'm thinking that he is a good man(especially as my ex.was physically and mentally abusive to myself and my son)and my partner has never so much as raised his voice let alone his hand,in 9years. Its just that until now I thought things would blow over and we would have a "normal" relationship,we have been discussing sexual and social aspects of out relationship,for years.It has been such a help to read other peoples experiences,which i think will give me the stength to hang on in there,especially if there are great people like you and others out there that i can have a moan to now and then. I will say this about him,he will go out of his way to please me in most situations,eg i have moaned about him smoking because of a health scare he had 2 months ago and i've realised tonight that in the last 3hours he has only had 1 cigarette,which is fab.I shall certainly keep in touch with you all as you all sound a great bunch,and so supportive.

thanks.

linda. : <'> <'> <'>

 

Barefoot

[linda]

Hi Linda

 

My dad is 77, and was diagnosed last year when he was undergoing mental health assessments (sadly he has dementia), although we were finally able to give his 'eccentricity' a name 10 years ago when my eldest son was diagnosed.

 

I have also been referred to see if I have AS. You'd have to ask my nearest and dearest what I am like to live with!

 

Hope you stick around, and that we can help with some of your concerns.

 

Bid

 

Thanks Bid, i shall certainly be sticking around,especially as you are all so friendly and helpfull.I feel as if i've found a new circle of friends.I would love to hear sometime some of the things your hubby puts up with and how he copes.

take care.

linda.