mum22boys

Thank you all so so much for the replies, not to mention the support. <'> I have found it a very hard day today, probably because I don't generally have a go at people (only the head who irritates me!). Never have I 'fallen out' with a teacher. I suppose I feel bad for shouting at her BUT I still disagree with what she did. I don't want to be in a situation where i'm avoiding his teacher as well as the head! Anyway, I still don't know what to do. A big part of me wants to find another school, the other part tells me to uproot him will be so hard. Who knows if I did will another school be any better, I just don't know. I think I will start looking into other schools, getting prospectus' and looking into their SEN policies. I have a year before DS2 will start reception and if i'm going to do it, I suppose it should be done before then. I know the school is no good. Have had long talk to DH who isn't too keen on moving him because of the stress involved. No harm looking into it though. We have decided to get him extra tuition which we will pay for. We can get him assessed for free, which we will do (if he will comply!) and I suspect he is further behind than what they have said. If so, next port of call will be the head again. DH said I should stop worrying about the stress xmas will bring him and let them deal with it. They will then realise it is not me. How can I not try to take the stress away though, it upsets me to see M so stressed that I will do anything to help him. I want to thank you Emily for your post. It gave me such an insight into how M may have felt that I really understood. No matter how hard I try I can never fully understand him and how he is thinking. You, however brought it to light just how difficult it is. Thank you. Would you mind if I took a copy of how he may have felt and showed his teacher? Not sure how well it will go down with her though but perhaps she will understand him better. Thanks again all, you managed to get me through today mum22boys

Have been in and feel totally depressed The head is not my favourite person and she lies. It is the same everytime I go in, she tries to smooth everything over and brushes it under the carpet, she tries to make me look like it's all my fault and I end up holding it all together until i get to the car and breakdown crying M was late for school today. he has trouble sleeping and then getting him up next day is tough. Today he has bags under his eyes again and he looks dreadful. i didn't rush him as i'm fed up with it all. He has an appointment at the doctors the week after next, i've had to wait 3 weeks for it as M will only accept seeing one doctor. I explained the sleep problems to the head, went on to the latest obsession with the football cards then told her i was angry about yesterday. She knew immediately what I was talking about, she said teacher had seen her and was very upset with the way I had spoken to her. I said ,yes I was angry, yes I shouted but I wasn't abusive and I don't swear. I told her it was totally unacceptable that he was branded a naughty child for not being able to cope. I gave her the full story and said that you can't tell me on one hand that if he is unable to calm down he will have to go home , then on the other tell M he was a naughty boy and didn't stand against the wall. I said if that is their school policy it needs to change. I don't care if it is just a sticker, to him it was a BIG thing. She said it was unacceptable me shouting in front of M and I should have waited until today and asked for an appointment tonight. WHAT last time I asked to see her she gave me one for two weeks time, I think not!!! No I am not happy and we can all look back with hindsight that my reaction was wrong, but I believe she dealt with it wrongly. She does not have the understanding of M and that has been proved in more ways than just yesterday. I did however feel glad I stuck in a good example of injustice. I asked the head if **** in M's class who has a hearing aid hadn't heard the teacher ask the kids to stand against the wall, would he have been branded a naughty child , I think not! But because M can't cope, he is branded naughty. She said M needs to learn how to handle his anger. WHAT, she knows I have tried to get him help, CAMHS can't help me, they say we have no resources in our area for him. How am I supposed to help him deal with it all. I am left with the realisation that the school is no good. He has barely learnt anything there in a year. I was told all last year, he is fine academically, yet we knew he wasn't. Then this year he has an IEP in place for reading and writing. As I say she is a liar! I don't know what to do now. I have another boy who is currently waiting to be seen at the CDC who is 3. He is due to start nursery there in Jan and school there the following year. What am I going to do if I have to battle for him also. I don't think I can cope with it. Need to have some breakfast and coffee and have a big think. mum22boys

Hi, Just a really quick repliy to those who responded to my post. Thank you all, I have been thinking all night about it and have decided today to ask to see the head/senco. I think this teacher just does not have the understanding when dealing with M. I also have the fact that xmas is looming which is always a very hard time. If she doesn't understand him now, i'm worried how things will go in the next few weeks. I read your point baddad and obviously agreed that she could have and now it's been pointed out could in future point out to him how hard he tried. I also then agree with cat, he has taken the can for having problems that aren't obvious and that it is hard to explain that to 26 other 5 and 6 year olds. This I do agree is not right as he was not naughty. No other child was asked to calm down or risk going home, no other child was so stressed they couldn't get on the train. Yet on the way back after he knew what to expect he was fine. I don't see eye to eye with the head so am not looking forward to seeing her but she is the senco so I feel she needs to address this before he starts to refuse to go to school again, like last year. i am not out to get the teacher in trouble but i do feel she needs to understand him better. Yes, it has gone through my mind, what does go on in that class if he gets stressed. The longer time goes on his new class the worse he will get. This seems to be a cycle we go through, once he feels settled he shows the stress at school much more often. I will update later, if the head agrees to see me today, may have to wait for appointment though! mum22boys

Hi all, M went on a school trip today. He is 6 and awaiting assessment still. I was a volunteer on the trip (they decided to accept me although i think they didn't really want to - I think they think i make M worse). Anyway he has had a bad week at school what with different things going on - all out of usual routine. I turn up at the school today to his teacher telling me M has been anxious all morning and has been shouting, stamping feet etc. they calmed him down and felt he was ok. We got to the train station and he was anything but ok. he refused to line up along the wall and started getting very stressed and shouting. His teacher said to me if he doesn't calm down I will need to take him home for his own safety. She said to give it a couple of minutes. The train then turned up and he refused to get on. He was clearly stressed, he wasn't screaming and crying just would not step on the train. I carried him on and sat with him and he calmed down and was fine. After lunch he got anxious because at school he sits and looks at his football cards, so as he approached meltdown i asked his teacher if he was allowed them and she agreed. He was then fine, and was so for the rest of the day. He held my hand, did as he was asked and sat nicely on the train. However, when I collected him from school at the end of the day he came out angry. He was very annoyed with his teacher. After asking him it turned out he was upset he hadn't got a sticker, like the other kids. He insisted I wait to speak to her, which i did. She said M wasn't given a sticker and neither were another 6 boys who were naughty today! She said M had not lined up at the station and had shouted. I was furious, she knows he has problems and she was the one who suggested taking him home because he couldn't cope and then she tries to tell me she is putting him with these boys who were just not listening to her. I told her i didn't agree with her and I admit i got very angry. She said she couldn't give M the same sticker but would he like a different one because he tried hard. He agreed because he was desperate for a sticker! I am angry she didn't take him to one side and tell him she felt he had tried hard but he would get a different sticker because he shouted and he needs to learn how to calm down, not tell him he was naughty. Do you think I was right to be so annoyed or did I just over react, i'd be glad to hear what you think. mum22boys

Hi, Thought i'd let you know that we tried social stories for the first time today. Usually I will talk through everything that will happen with M who is 6. If I can get a book on a place we are going to e.g the airport I will. This does help but his teacher went on a social stories course a few weeks ago and as she has had problems with M lately not being able to cope with change of routine she added using them as a coping stratergy to his IEP. Today we had a school trip. The LSA kept him behind in the class instead of assembly and drew up a social story. Basically he has a picture of him leaving the school, walking to the train station, getting on the train, going to the park, having lunch, walking back to train, then walking back to school. He kept it with him and constantly referred to it. I'm not saying it was a problem free trip!!! Far from it (we nearly didn't get on the train) but I think he felt more in control. I'm not sure that M would have understood it at 3 and i'm sure my 3 year old wouldn't but perhaps instead of line drawings you could cut out pictures from magazines etc and paste them on card together. Of course no matter how hard and well you think you have prepared them there will always be something that you don't expect! mum22boys

Hi, Just wondering, are your CAMHS going to assess or refer him on to another department? I ask because in our area they don't assess or diagnose but they do meet up and gather info from us and observe him to see what they think. I had a battle on my hands with CAMHS because they said he was showing signs of AS BUT he gave her eye contact!!! I phoned and hassled her for 3 months telling her what he was doing, the obsessions, not coping with change of routine etc until she agreed to put his case to the multidisiplinary team. It was them that decided to put him on the list for the CDAC. YOU know best. Write to CAMHS outlining all the things you are concerned with and send a diary. Do not let them fob you off. By the way, can you tell i'm no fan of CAMHS! mum22boys

Well done. It's certainly one less thing to worry about. Like we don't have enough to be thinking about!!! mum22boys

Can only send you lots of these <'> <'> <'> I will also be for you. I have been thinking of you lately as I don't get much time to log on and I was hoping you were ok. Keep us updated, and good luck. mum22boys <'>

Suze, We all feel like this from time to time. We deal with a lot more than other parents so please don't beat yourself up about being a bad parent. I too question the way I am with my kids....do I let them get away with too much so I don't have to have a meltdown, am i strict enough??? The list goes on and on..... - I'm sure you know what I mean. Today I had exactly the same feelings. I bought both kids new toothbrushes, same design different colours. I had to weigh up who would kick off the most if he didn't get the colour he wanted to choose. I chose M as he gets very violent if things don't go as planned and getting a new toothbrush was bound to be stressful. I then had to deal with R scream the place down because he wanted the green one. Most parents don't have these things to deal with. to them buying a new toothbrush for their kid is just a run of the mill thing to do...for us we have to think it out and consequently pay the consequence for doing something so simple. You are strong enough to cope as you are coping, today seems difficult and tomorrow may be better. Hope you are ok. mum22boys <'> <'> <'>

Hedders, It appears some CAMHS diagnose and some don't. Ours unfortunatly doesn't. If yours doesn't then you will be referred on to someone who can diagnose. In our area CAMHS assess to see what they think the problem may be. They then present their findings to a multidisiplinary team, consisting of peads and they decide what list your child should be put on. In M's case he is now on the list for the Communication Disorder assessment clinic.....and the wait is VERY long. Hope that helps. mum22boys

Hi all, M is 6 and still awaiting assessment. He's now been on the list over a year and has another six months or so to wait...??? Anyway when we first started down the diagnosis route our first port of call was CAMHS. They were useless, we wasted valuable time getting m on the CDAC list because of their lack of knowledge. Once on the list CAMHS still kept us on theirs. Since then the psychologist has admitted they can't help M. He has problems they don't deal with!!!! BUT we haven't been struck off the books. The psych has continued seeing me (without M) to see if she can help . The only help she has been is in calling meetings at the school, and they are few and far between. This weekend, after not hearing from her for months (May I think) she writes asking if we want to continue meeting. Now deep down I know it's a waste of time, she doesn't really help me and I have more knowledge of AS than she does. BUT i'm wondering if I should keep M on their books as it may help in other ways..such as the school link and AA teacher and outreach, not to mention him still being under them when I have M's DLA renewal next year. What do you think? If I stay on their books i'm not really sure what I can talk about to her as she's heard it all already. I would appreciate any thoughts on this, Thanks mum22boys

I never realised you had changed your 'name'. I was wondering only last week what had happened to hallyscomet! I too will miss the way you would drop in to your posts what the weather was like in Australia. Anyway, I hope you will continue to visit if and when you get a chance, but if you don't then I am glad you are ok. Take care. mum22boys <'> <'>

Hi Pinkpanther and welcome <'> <'> , As someone said no two children on the specrum are exactly the same so it is hard to answer specific questions. I agree with others, you are doing the right thing seeking help. At least you are being listened to. A lot of parents on here (me included) have known something was not quite right but have had to fight to get it recognised. Getting him seen at 3 is a good idea. Who knows how long the wait for diagnosis will be? It is a lottery depending on where you live. My eldest is 6 and has been waiting a year and a half. Yes, everyone who sees him agrees he looks likely to be on the spectrum but assessment in our area is one long wait. We have at least another 6 months to wait. Mainly this is because he is school age. The pre-school list is shorter. My youngest is now on that list, he is also 3. I think the speech is hard to decide if and what is delayed at 3. Both my kids are under the SALT. The 3 year old has trouble pronouncing a lot of letters which makes his speech difficult to understand. M, my eldest had what I thought was brilliant speech until we realised his understanding of language was poor. I also realise now that he very rarely answers any questions, like he doesn't hear us (he does of course) but he just carries on talking about what he wants to. Conversation is very one sided. I wish you lots of luck at your appointments. Keep us informed, and most importantly, stick around. We are all there to listen to you. Take care, mum22boys

Poll didn't work - help!!!! mum22boys

I have been wondering if other parents feel the same as me. Now I hope to have added a poll on here but who knows if it will have worked! Anyway, what got me thinking was, before we decided to seek help for M (when he was in nursery and early in reception) if the school needed volunteers I would offer. The school always took me up on my offer and I accompanied the kids on school trips etc. However, since I went down the diagnosis route and have had to continually go in the school about M they seem to make it obvious i am not wanted. When M was in Year 1 I volunteered for a school trip, yes I admit i was worried sick about him going as he has run off before. I was turned down as a volunteer and I admit the school did a good job of preparing him and escorting him on the trip. So when it came to the next trip I didn't worry too much and I was fairly happy with him going. Recently I offered my services at the school to help the kids read. I never heard anything, but I know from others that their offers were taken up. Yesterday M came out with a letter about a trip on a train. Again they asked for volunteers. I have no worries about him going as it's very simular to a trip last year that he was well prepared for. I offered to help because I like to. The look on his teachers face said it all. She looked at me with dread when I offered to come. I think the head has told her not to accept me. I may be wrong but that is the impression I get. I offered this week to design a painting in one of the school rooms as they needed someone. I haven't heard anything, and to be honest i don't expect to. I do however feel very let down that it is obvious i am not wanted. Is this just happening to me? I know it is because of M. They feel if I am around he is worse. I don't see though why I can't be accepted to help out when needed though. They don't even give it a go. Just interested to see if others feel the same. mum22boys

Hi all, I am after your advice and suggestions about lack of sleep!!!! M is 6 and awaiting assessment. He struggles to fall asleep at night. We have re-decorated his room, which is now very calming and he loves it. He just can't switch off at night and he doesn't fall asleep until gone 10. He is vey pale and has constant bags under his eyes. I don't know what i can do to help. My other more significant problem is my youngest who is 3. He is waiting to be seen at the CDC, not sure if or where he is on the specrum. DS1 I believe has Aspergers. Anyway DS2 goes to bed fairly happily. He is shattered by 7 and is asking to sleep, so is tired. He goes to sleep ok, but at about three every morning he is wide awake. He shouts over and over 'mummy'. I don't bring him in our bed as I won't start that. But he is still awake two hours later. So eventually he falls back to sleep at between 5-6. He then spends the day misereable. He constantly has to be at my side. Even going to the loo with me. I wonder if he panics when he wakes at night and i'm not in his room, although he falls asleep without me in the room. He won't tolerate his dad going in his room, so if I was to stay in bed and DH get up DS2 will scream the house down. This is the same for anything, he is only happy if I do it. I am exhausted. Any advice from you, the experts would be wonderful. mum22boys

Hi, I sympathise because I have the same problems. I know with M it makes no difference how much preparation he has he finds the whole thing very stressful. I try social stories but it is usually impossible to predict everything that will happen in a hospital environment. M will never allow anyone to weigh him or do his height. I've accepted this and no longer fight it. I know the hardest thing for M is being spoken to so I tell the doctor or nurse to not speak to him until he has adjusted to being there. This does help him as he must feel less stressed. Of course there will always be the exception, like a receptionist etc trying to strike up conversation with M and then I have him run off. At his last pead appointment he kicked him and constantly said over and over 'shut up' Yes, I think the behaviour can look naughty but I know with M that he is so stressed. Even a SALT appointment sends him into meltdown. Good luck. I know how you feel. I have a SALT appoint this afternoon with DS2 and am worried how he will behave. mum22boys

I would say M has become obsessive with the school rules. He has started to become very stressed if other kids don't follow the rules. It's not so much that they don't follow them but rather if he feels that the teacher has not carried out the appropriate punishment. He has learned in his class that if the kids misbehave then their name is written on the board, if they do it again they lose minutes of golden time. Also crosses are involved somewhere and sad faces!! M goes mad at the end of the school day if the teacher has not carried out the appropriate punishment, so much so that she now tells him she will go away and make a note of it for the next day so she can deal with it. However, if he gets in to trouble, it was never him and he goes into meltdown at the end of the school day because the teacher has reprimanded him. So the rules don't apply to him just everyone else. He even goes to the trouble of telling the dinner ladies all lunch time what the other kids do wrong. So can't help you as M is exactly the same! mum22boys

Oh Paula, I read your update in tears. I am hoping so hard that everything is ok for you. I don't know how you are coping but you obviously are. I pray that someone will come along and help you and your son. Love mum22boys <'> <'>

Hi hedders, My son is 6 and awaiting assessment, although everyone suspects AS. He also prefers to write nonsence. He calls it his Blah,Blah writing. He writes for pages and pages of nothing more than squiggles. i think he likes the thought of being able to write but has no interest in learning. He also writes back to front and reverses letters and numbers. We suspect he may also be dyslexic. I sat down with him last night and tried to get him to do a worksheet I had got out a book I bought on Key stage one work. I knew he struggled but I was shocked how little he knew. I will be taking this into his teacher tonight at parents evening. Good luck in confronting the school. mum22boys

Hi Hedders, I feel for you because I know you are having a hard time at the moment getting the school to believe you. I think I replied to another of your posts and suggested you contact the school nurse. Do it if you haven't as ours has the ability to get a childs case heard at a multidisiplinary team. I agree with what Lucas said, you probably know more about AS than the school. And he's right it could be years before they notice anything. Have you contacted the NAS? Not only will they listen to your concerns but they will send you info for the school. Again if you haven't make sure you contact them. Hand in the literature to the school, give your DD teacher a copy and also the Head. I also photocopied the page out of Tony Attwoods book about the child being a Jekill and Hyde character after M's school couldn't understand why I was getting all the problems out of school. Routines and rituals seem to be part of AS, well they are with mine. As for social interaction M's school would swear he is ok. After I kept going in and telling them over and over what he is like they looked closer at how he played. He sticks to the same couple of children. He mixes only if he takes a small toy to the playground (his conversation tool) or if he plays chase. I believe as time goes on it will become harder for him to be accepted when the other kids see and understand how he plays. He obviously lacks imagination. His teacher was always telling me he plays in the role play area, something I refused to believe. Eventually it was discovered he goes in the role play area and copies the actions of the other kids, he doesn't role play. I suspect they are not looking at your DD closely enough. Kids on the spectrum don't always want to be left alone. M loves company on his terms and wants to play most of the time but just has trouble approaching the other kids. If I was in your position I would put in writing to the school what you believe. I would also make sure they saw exactly what you are talking about. If your dd gets upset because she hasn't carried out her routine then I would take her into the school screaming and explain the reason she is angry. I know how frustrating this all is, i've been there and am still fighting the school battle. Also what you said about her being told she will be the helper and then not being needed, we had exactly the same situation last term and M went mad. You know your daughter better than anyone. Keep fighting the school. If you are having trouble getting through to them contact parent partnership. Sorry i've rambled on - hope some of it makes sense and helps! mum22boys

Just to let you know i'm thinking of you and praying it all goes ok. It is everyones worst nightmare s/s getting involved and taking a child away. Stay strong <'> <'> mum22boys

With DS1 we have had... vacuum cleaners tractors diggers the bible electrical wires playstation games and at present.....the war, particularily air raid shelters!!! DS2 is not so bad.........tractors with trailers me anything blue is the current one. and no doubt there will be many more to come mum22boys

Hi Sweety, and welcome <'> <'> I am sure you will be a great asset to the forum, it is always lovely to hear from those with AS so we know how our kids are feeling etc. Look forward to chatting more with you. mum22boys

It has to be said our kids have the most unique responses, don't they Last week hubby said to M ' will you stop getting under my feet' M answered all seriously ' If I was under your feet you would be standing on me' You can't help but laugh as it was true. Sometimes the little things they say and do make up for some of the more difficult times!!! mum22boys