Mannify

I over think and edit replies a lot, too. Sometimes it feels as though I'm in a kind of whirlwind of over-thinking and editing. I have friends online now, though, and I have found that I do it less. I'll probably always be prone to over thinking, but over time talking online has helped me gain some confidence. If you're talking to others who are on the spectrum, they very likely relate to being overly self-analytical when it comes to communicating with others, and I think knowing that helps, too. Welcome

Hi Emily

Thanks everyone for your comments. I could relate to your experiences, Nesf, and it interests me that you no longer surpress your jumping around and stuff. Sometimes I feel that now I know why I do things I ought to be able to stop myself doing them; I know that's kind of irrational, but I nonetheless feel that way. Is that the general consensus - go with it rather than surpress? I was particularly touched by the sentiment at the end of your post, Sa Skimrande. I agree with you, too, that acceptance of my own difference is the ideal state, and certainly one towards which I will work. I feel I have some way to go, though. Smiley, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. It seems you're in a kind of vortex of needing to express yourself and then feeling bad for doing so. That's a tough one for you, but please don't worry about how we will react. The beauty of a forum is that no one is obliged to read your posts, so you're not a burden to anyone, but generally there will be some who will read and reply. Lyndalou, your post could have described me, and I thank you so much for sharing. I, too, spent hours playing on my own, and I used to talk to things rather than people. I talked to my hen, I talked to Bungle from Rainbow, I talked to my cat, who could be quite wild. I was never girly. One clear memory of when i was five was being asked in class to choose different shades of the same colour for colouring a doily-thing (always hated colouring, lol) and all the other girl chose pinks, so I got the greens all to myself. I became used to having opinions which were entirely different from my immediate demographic. I never had a crush on a boy for his looks; I didn't care about looks. I never personalised my room, save for a collection of the same soft drinks bottle. I was never, ever fashionable, and had no interest in being so. Like you, Lyndalou, I find no relief in the explanation, just bewilderment. I know I have to work through this, and I've been offered some good advice for doing so. But it won't be an overnight thing. Thanks all. It's a big deal that you have all taken the time to share your own thoughts and experiences.

Your response means a lot, Lyndalou. I've just been telling someone that I really thought I'd assimilated it and that it hadn't really affected me, but it appears that I'd simply deferred it. I still feel awkward talking about myself like this, which I know is kind of irrational. Thanks for feeling my grief because, yes, it was definitely there. Thank you.

I'm just so down, I'm just not thinking straight. As I said, if anyone else had posted as I have done, I would have thought positively of it, but I guess I'm finding it hard to think anything positive about myself at the moment. It wasn't an official diagnosis, but I can hardly think of anyone more qualified than her to assess whether or not I have AS, and she was very thorough with what she asked. My husband was there, and he said almost as much as I did.

Thanks, Oakers. I feel embarrassed for having posted like this. I don't know why; when others do I admire their openness. What the ed psych said was more than just a comment. She spent hours with me, and then detailed all the areas in which I would satisfy diagnostic criteria, by which time I really wasn't listening. My husband was there and is absolutely convinced by all the evidence, which is something not to be taken lightly in his case. I really am struggling to assimilate the information, and it's a kind of belated reaction. I refused to dwell on it too much at the time. Yes, it does. Sometimes you manage to convince yourself that it doesn't, but it does. Thanks for replying, Oakers, and not thinking ill of me.

I try to be positive, I really do; I try not to make big noises about stuff in life and just get on with everything. I'm feeling incorrigeably self-indulgent posting this, and I know I am, but I just feel so needful of expressing myself. In November a head diagnostician and end psych, who also has a PhD in autism and a sister with AS said, 'I have no hesitation in saying that you have Asperger's', although it wasn't an official diagnosis. Since then I have largely shelved that information because all sorts of other things have happened which have overridden its significance. Now, three months later, I feel that I'm having an 'AS crash' over that information. I just feel so overwhelmed and bereft over all the things that everyone else seems to just do naturally. If I'm honest, these include things like washing my hair enough and, yes, even washing enough. I'm a mother of three, and I found that in their early years it was easy to obsess about things like breastfeeding and giving them the best nutrition. Now they're older, I find it harder to simply relate to them and just listen to them. When they speak I do not react immediately because it takes me longer than most people just to tune in to the fact that they are speaking. My daughter is is not on the spectrum and often wants me to play pretend with her, and I find it so hard and so tedious. In September my youngest started school, but my house is still disordered because I find it so hard to prioritise. I'm not lazy; in October I completed a first class honours degree which had taken just three years, even though I had small children at home. I did it mostly via all-nighters. There are other situations in which I have worked incredibly hard. But I just cannot seem to attain normal running of life in the way others do. I can't prioritise; I can't even quite look after myself 'normally'. It really isn't for want of trying. I'm not just lazy. I can and do work really hard. I have some really 'stoopid' oral rituals, I hop around the kitchen holding my left foot, I bounce around like a lunatic, and I actually flap my hands. I have parts of my body I just have to stroke. I annoy everyone listening to the same song on a loop for literally hours - it even annoys my kids. I tear up if I have to make prolonged eye-contact. I have problems with face recognition. I have had no friends for vast stretches of my adulthood. So the list continues. I feel a kind of grief that I'm 36, and I literally didn't have a clue about myself until just over three months ago, even though I have two children on the spectrum. I feel like such a failure on so many levels right now. I'm so sorry if this all seems like a pathetic wallow in self-pity, but I really am overwhelmed at the moment, and surely it's OK to post like this here, if nowhere else. Sometimes I just do not know how I can continue being me, living my life. It really isn't like me to post like this, but the 'coping' is just so overwhelming currently.

Hi, Jo. Social disjuncture is a sensation which just doesn't seem to become more comfortable, isn't it? I can relate to that. I am undiagnosed, although I've had an educational psychologist who heads a diagnostic panel and has a PhD in Autism tell me that I have AS. For me, as I once explained to a friend, that moment was a move away from feeling like an inhabitant of a single-dwelling island in the middle of the sea of Mainstream to recognising that there are others who feel similarly to me. I suppose that's a positive thing. At the same time, though, I'm 36 and I found it inexplicable that the thought had never occurred to me, despite having two sons on the spectrum and family members. It was in November that the epiphany occurred, and I still haven't assimilated the idea properly, nor have I truly worked out exactly what it means for me. I've had other, overriding, issues, though, so that's a factor. The point of my ramble, I guess, is that I can relate to what you have to say as no doubt others do, and you are not alone. Welcome to the forum.

I've spent ten years as good as teetotal because I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding or both! as a result it doesn't take much for me to feel the effects. I like beer or cider, but never drink much, although my neighbour seems to like to ply me with it sometimes, and on those occasions I do have to put some effort into walking a straight line.

I once had to translate a barcode reader manual into French. Can't say I'd have done it for fun, though. I'm about to read 'The Fault in Our Stars' by John Greene.

On the contrary, As Skimrande. Your posts are varied, interesting, honest and appreciated.

My mum annoys me, Lyndalou. For example, she was out with the children and another family was apparently disdainful of my sons' behaviour. She related proudly later that she said loudly, 'We're an autism family'. I was most unimpressed! We're a family. That's the reason not to stare; whether ASDs are present or not, it's not polite to stare, and like you, Lyndalou' I prefer to simply ignore it.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=vHt72jJ_1t0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DvHt72jJ_1t0

My 7 year old son is the same with toileting. To get nappies can ask for an appointment with the school nurse. You have an entitlement of up to 4 a day for a child who still needs nappies after the age of three, and you will be sent samples to try. When you've found one you like they send a large bulk consignment of them. Don't be fobbed off, 4 a day is your entitlement. Unfortunately our son didn't like any of the samples so we buy Huggies or Pampers (depending on what's on offer) night-time pyjama pants because they go up to age 14. The Huggies ones are the roomiest, but if the Pampers ones are cheaper, we'll go with them because these types of nappies are very expensive, unfortunatley. Your avatar picture is gorgeous

Today has been a very hard day. Nuff said.

Goodness, I'm too wrung out to say anything very profound. What a day!!!! Ben, as with Mike and Darkshine, I'm devastated that you're moving on. I really am too overwhelmed to say anything with any great meaning, but please know that you will be missed. I haven't been posting much for a while now because of stuff, you know. I now have less reason than ever to start up again.

I have been sitting here, metaphorically speechless, for some time. I noticed that you had been posting less, and I had some awareness of your increasing discomforture, so I suppose your departure should not be entirely surprising. It is nonetheless a source of sadness. I have been the recipient of some of your advice and I have been grateful - genuine knowledge gained organically through experience. I am still working on the 'reflex holding space', I still intend it to be Moonlight Sonata, and I will remember Pex Hill. I will remember that and it will remain part of my life. Have you ever watched Dead Poets Society? If so, then you'll know what I mean when I suggest we all stand on our tables. If not, maybe one day you'll watch it and you'll remember that a strange little weevil avatar person mentioned it, and you'll know what I mean. Take care and fare the weel.

My son loves this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHBbM6phxyc I wish the sun would come.

Bless ya, I couldn’t ignore this. My life is a bit upside down myself at the moment, and I’m finding it harder to post on here than I used to because I have my own reasons for feeling overwhelmed, but I had to reply to you. I am not at all offended by what you’re saying. It tears you into many tiny pieces when the behaviour of one child makes it hard to fulfil the needs of the others. I know that from experience. We’ve had times when one child has dominated – our middle child sometimes tantrum-ed for days at a time when he was younger (he’s 7 now and still tantrums, but not so concentrated-ly), and he also hurt his sister relentlessly. Our daughter began to behave like an abused child (which essentially she was) because he nipped her and hit her so unremittingly. The way you are feeling is a very natural maternal response, because love your son as you do, you love your other children, too, and you feel a very real need to ensure their well-being, too. With regards for asking your mum to look after Jack, could she do this intermittently rather than permanently? If you had breaks from his behaviour, you might feel better able to cope with it when you do have him, the other children would get more of your attention, and you might not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it’s breaks that you need – not just you, but as a family – in order to manage the behaviour, recharge and restore a sense of balance. If your mum had Jacks for breaks, as you say, he would benefit from the 1:1. Children get a lot from their grandparents, and Jack might, too, with scheduled times with your mum. I haven’t been on the forum so much recently, so maybe you’ve been over this and I haven’t seen it, but can social services provide some help? When my son’s behaviour towards his sister was at its worst, we had a support worker come in for two hours daily so that I could do essential things while they occupied my son. He enjoyed that – as you say, children enjoy 1:1, and he got that from them. Usually they occupied him at the kitchen table while I made tea and looked after the other two. You have to be very explicit to social services about your needs, though, and maybe ask someone who has some grasp of the gravity of your difficulties to back you up. Don’t feel on your own in feeling this way. I love my children dearly, I exist for them, I have gone to what some people would see as daft lengths to do what I thought right for them on occasions – but only tonight I admitted to someone that I was struggling to cope. In the most typical, straightforward circumstances, being a parent is mentally exhausting, as you well know as a mum of four - but where a child demands our energies to the extent that the needs of other people we love, and our own basic needs, are hard to meet feeling overwhelmed is the natural human response. I hope you can find some respite and structure that will make it more bearable for you all.

Architecture is fascinating. It bugs me the way some people automatically hate modern architecture, for example, when sometimes it is astoundingly well-conceived (I don't like pastiche architecture though, much). Obviously, not all modern architecture is great, anymore than all older architecture is, but what is interesting about town centres is the juxtaposition of old and new; in some town centres, the concentration of great architecture, whether old or new, is high. There are a few areas like that locally. That said, fill it up with people and sales, and I really would just rather be home, lol.

Not a big fan of housework myself. I can get the house to a very high standard I can maintain it, but once th descent begins, I find it hard to pull i up agan.

1. People close to me know be better, know my stance. This is a bitter-sweet experience and remains painful but ultimately I believe it's preferable to hiding who ou are from the ones you love. 2. I feel positive about an excercise routine To which I actually feel quite committed 3. I have friendship that accepts me and does not begrudge my faults. 4. My son read the word 'free' on his own tonight.

I'm going to be brave and own up. I let my teeth get furry and then brush them, no regularity. zwhen I was bout 15 I was obsessive about brushing my teeth; I'd brush, get into bed, then get out again to brush again up to maybe five times, over and over again. Otherwise, I've tended to brush when I have bad breath or my teeth feel annoyinly plaque-ridden.

I shiver in response to extreme emotion, usually a release of pent up emotion. I did it a few months ago when I told someone something that I had been struggling with on my own for years. The resultant release had me shaking, and the more I tried to stop the harder it was to do so. I had this reacgtion as a teenager, too, as a response to family difficulties. Funnily, when I'm cold, my shivering more ressembles a neurological disorder - it's more jerky and unpredictable.

When my granny was dying it was her wish to visit certain places of sentimental value, dotted around the country. Everything was against it, really, because she was bed-ridden and needed a lot of medical care, including administration of medications carefully timed. There was a high possibility that the trip would shorten her life, but mum saw this as pretty irrelevant at that point. So, she hired a huge motor-home and asked two friends to go along with her to help with granny. She researched what medical help would be available close to the various destinations and ensured that all medications, dressings and so forth were in place. She organised everything closely, but decided to accept the risks, too. The trip was a success. My granny saw the pub, the 'Traveller's Rest', where she grew up, and revisited the place of her birth, as well as important places of her young adulthood. The trip was vastly worthwhile, but its success lay in the combination of mum's organisation, and realism on the part of everyone regarding the risks involved. Obviously, there's a difference between my granny and your young friend, and very different practicalities involved. But I do think there are parallels to be drawn, too. You're a good sort, Ben, and I hope you and your friend can work this out.