badonkadonk

I won't feel guilty Pearl if you won't Being brutally honest, and possibly making myself more hated in the process, I don't necessarily claim DLA to assist me with any disability-related things. Rest assured that once I get a full time job and I'm in stable employment I will not seek to renew my DLA claim. I also do feel very, very guilty about where my �132 could be better spent. The all out truth is that university left me massively over-drawn and I'm only entitled to the minimum amount of Income Support available (�280 a month). I'm still paying for my car from five years ago because I had to take a loan out over an extended period of time. I have a massive, humungous fear of public transport so my car is very much my only mode of transport most of the time. I have been on a bus three times since I met Neil and we both used the metro service to get into Newcastle for the meet-up but I could have never have done these things without Neil. I try to balance my overall guilt by being mad at the government as the real reason I've been out of work the past 18 months is because I've been battling illness, of which you would think I could have claimed Incapacity Benefit instead of having to resort to DLA. But oh no, because I've been at university doing what Mr Blair said I should be doing and because I only did part time jobs while at university I haven't ever paid enough tax for IB so I didn't qualify. Anyway, like I said I'm sure there are plenty of people who disagree with me claiming when I don't consider myself to be disabled and pretty much think I'm scum for doing so. Each to their own Mumble I meant what I said, I'm always here via PM or email and I don't cost a penny. I could even give that whole phone thing ago if that would help. If there is anything I can do, letter writing to nasty mentor woman or just providing moral support and saying 'yep, she's a big ol' b*tch' then let me know. If things don't improve with her I would come down and sit in your corner if you felt it would help If other news, our new fridge freezer arrived today. It's very big!!! I was frightened it wasn't going to fit in the titchy kitchen but we managed to squeeze it in. It's all chrome-type stuff and dead posh and whatnot. I keep opening it just so I can see how pretty it is inside So far it's not too noisy but I'm not holding my breath that it won't annoy me as much as the last one. Getting back on topic, I'm not sure what there is to be done either about changing the attitudes of those who are supposed to understand us and fight for us and help us. It's part of the appeal of being a TA or support worker because at least then I can be doing my bit, chipping away at pre-existing attitudes and helping other Auties and Aspies to not make the same mistakes I've made (though mostly made blindly through being un-diagnosed) and help them get a positive understanding in place quicker so that we don't have so many angry young Aspies sitting out there totally frustrated and mad at the NT world. That NT world is probably not going to change that much, and what change might take place will take an awful long time and a lot of hard work which is why it makes sense to start with ourselves and each other. If we can educate and inform people as to who we really are, and not do it in a angry way or a negative way, but do it in a positive way where we truly explain what communication problems means to us (for me...not getting jokes or understanding the point of small talk) and letting them know all the positives that we can achieve by being ASC that's how attitudes are changed and stereotypes broken. I'm just hoping that another chance to get my foot on the ladder and help anyone affected by ASCs comes up again around here. Fingers crossed when it does I won't forget to stick two stamps on the envelope Emily xxx

Hehehehehe cheeky wotsit! I can't help it if I have verbal incontinence I think this issue is important and to begin with I pretty much convinced myself that it was another rejection for Emily and not necessarily an Aspie thing...all sorts of criticisms like I came on to strong, I freaked them out with my enthusiasm, I came across as a bit weird...I bet it's not every day that the NAS get novel-like emails from some mad Brummie woman saying 'let me help, I can help, can I help?' But I'm rather relieved that it's not just me and my meeting with Prospects the other day proved that it wasn't me being mental but them being predjudiced. When we went through filling in all the forms, which they did incredibly slowly and tentatively as if asking me what communication issues I had in employment or sensory concerns was somehow going to offend me. They even asked if I had any obsessions that would affect my ability to work? I was totally confused by this and said 'no, my obsessions are Spongebob, Betty Boo and collecting pens.' The assumption was that I would be so totally consumed by my obsessions that I could not begin to focus on doing some work. Fine I get that with some people the obsession can go this far but to assume that I can't control myself enough to do anything other than be obsessed with my interests is ridiculous. I asked what they meant when they said this to me and the one woman said 'well it's just that the person who came in before you had a thing about washing machines.' WHAT? How is that going to stop him from working? I mean if it is so bad that he can't bear to not look at a washing machine help him get a job in Comet or Currys FFS!!! It's a wonder they made an appointment to see me at all really, they must have been having an off day not to assume that I wouldn't leave the house because I would be too busy watching Spongebob. Sorry for hijacking the thread by the way Mumble - if I can help in any way you know I will. It's no secret that I have a big mouth so I'm here if you need me It really, really frustrates me because all I want to do is help people, I would love to work as a mentor for students who are ASC/AS or as some kind of support worker for families. I don't know whether I'd be any good at the job, let alone better than those who are already doing these jobs but I'm never given the chance to even try! Mind you I seem to be cursed either way when it comes to getting into the area of work that I want to do. The only real opportunity came up recently, working as a TA in a ASC unit attached to a high school in York. Fantastic I thought, it's working in education and it's helping those on the spectrum. So I filled in the forms and sent them all off and heard nothing back. Great, it's my lack of work experience and the fact that I've disclosed about being ill as well as being Aspergers that has got me rejected yet again. I'm used to coping with that now but I got a phone call at the end of last week from the school and they said that unfortunately my application form had only arrived on that day, the day they were doing the interviews, because stoopid me had forgotten the new postage rules and only put one first class stamp on the A4 envelope and that I couldn't be considered because the interviews were in progress I'm still beating myself up about that one! Anyway, I'm off again, though here's an interesting point my genius boyfriend just made (I was going to claim this as my own brilliant idea but Neil would beat me up hehehehe) he wondered if Einstein was ever asked if he had a statement or had a 1-1 support worker to make sure his brain didn't explode when he had an idea. What about Steven Spielberg? Does he get someone else to give direction on set lest he try to form a sentence by himself? Thinking about it I'm sure Dan Ackroyd is really operated by NT puppets when he acts and Gary Numan has a social worker to make sure that he doesn't just sit prodding keyboards all day and actually takes a bath sometimes! Emily xxx

Maybe they're onto the whole Aspies being more likely to brick people to death thing? I mean I know I put my brick into its specially adapted car seat when I go on a drive but only so my brick doesn't miss out and gets to sight-see with me, honest! Nothing surprises me with the NAS anymore. I rang them about employment and they said go to the job centre or do volunteering (apparently this should be good enough because us Aspies don't need money to survive, right?) so then I got in touch about volunteering and they said oh no Emily, you can't do befriending but do you want someone to come and befriend you? And oh no Emily, you can't act as a supervisor for the local AS social group, you're Aspie you see, but would you like to fill out our highly embarrassing and patronising membership form so that you, oh little damaged Aspie one, can make friends too because we all know that you can't do it by yourselves and forcing you to sign up for a membership sends you all the right signals about your ability to make friends. Just be sure to sign the disclaimer saying that you understand that you can't be friends with the supervisors outside of the social group meet-ups, we can't have you fraternising with the neuros now can we! And last but not least, oh no Emily you can't help on the parent-to-parent helpline because you're not a parent, plain and simple. We won't even give thought to the fact that you might be able to help parents and provide a verbal link between their children and themselves, oh no, you're not a parent so we will employ that classic neuro black and white thinking and reject you. I mean how flipping stupid to do a charity walk in aid of Autism and not allow those who are ASD to take part????? OH NO IDIOT LOONY TUNES! You can't possibly help yourselves, we have to raise money so we can just patronise you and tell you what you can't do for many, many more years to come. Pah, walking!! An Aspie!! All by yourself! Kerazy It's all just mental Emily xxx

I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my big mouth shut for too long I am utterly frustrated at reading the OAASIS and DVLA websites, sooooooo angry Ok, breathes deeply, my issues and concerns hopefully in some kind of coherent ramble... Firstly the OAASIS website, why oh why is Asperger Syndrome listed as a learning difficulty? Yes AS students at school are mostly considered as SEN students because they have educational needs that are, at times, different to the majority of pupils and therefore need extra help. But this doesn't mean that they have a learning difficulty. I am aware that AS can go hand in hand with other things such as Dyslexia, Dyscalcula (sp?) and they are considered learning difficulties but to suggest that AS in itself is a learning difficulty is absurd because it implies that everyone who is AS will have had academic problems at school. I'm not saying my school experience was the definitive AS school experience but I've never had a learning difficulty, neither has Neil and neither did the Y7 AS pupil I taught during my teaching practice or the two AS students my mum teaches. Now we might just be the smallest minority ever and it just so happens that I'm aware of all the other AS people in the world who don't have learning difficulties but come on, never in a million years is that the case. Nothing against learning difficulties or saying that you have a learning difficulty, I'm not angry about being given that label, I'm frustrated that it's just assumed that I must have academic difficulties because I'm AS as if this is what AS is all about. It's not. It's a lifelong difference encompassing a wide variety of areas. Another thing that really naffed me off that I read on the OAASIS website is the Asperger Syndrome download on the Information Sheets page, specifically a little sentence they shove into the document as fact. 'People with AS make better efforts to adapt socially than do those with Autism. They have a genuine desire to make social contact but there are problems with two-way social interaction and not understanding social behaviour rules, problems can occur in relationships as adolescents/adults. ' I'm just gobsmacked I really am. We make more effort? WTF? Yes I'm sure all those who are Autistic simply choose to make no effort at all to communicate. What a load of tosh. It's just another skewed assumption that all Aspies want to communicate but don't know how. Sorry to bang on about my own experiences again but me and Neil know damn well how to communicate, how to come across as personable when the time demands it (job interviews and the like) and how to socialise with peers etc (don't tell anyone but the loony tune Aspies actually went out for a meal last Sunday, with another couple, who were Neurotypical *GASP* I'm such a fraud). I'm not dismissing that these 'problems' occur with other Aspies, I'm sure they do. They do with me too still, and Neil, but the difference is that it's not that we don't know how to socialise and communicate it's that for the most part it's uncomfortable and not something that we desire to do. Just because it's something I don't enjoy doing it doesn't mean that I can't do it. This is the problem that we have getting employers to understand AS in a positive way because as soon as we say AS and give them any info to read it screams communication difficulties at them which they then assume means 'can't talk'. I could rant all day about this point but I won't because it would be very boring Anyway onto the DVLA, yes it does say that you should put down AS on the forms and it goes on to say that just because you are AS it doesn't automatically bar you from driving (I suppose we should be thankful or something ) and it goes on to say that cases are decided on an individual basis. I suppose the only hope is that if you do disclose you can show them just how stupid their thinking is when you drive and act like a 'normal' person. The DVLA says that even though AS doesn't mean you can't drive factors such as 'impulsivity, lack of awareness of the impact of own behaviours on self or others need to be considered'. I have no idea what the hell that is supposed to mean, as far as I was aware us AS types are the least impulsive people on the planet! Is this what they mean? Are they concerned that in a difficult situation on the road we would lack the impulsivity to act in the right way? I can't see this being the case as it clearly doesn't make sense. There is a very big difference between wanting to plan everything and disliking changes to day to day routine to acting on instinct to get yourself out of a tricky situation. In terms of considering others I guess it depends on the person, I mean what about the business exec in his BMW who races up the fast lane on the motorway and drives very dangerously up the backside of your car until you give in and move out of the way? Is he thinking about other people? I know the point I'm trying to make here and I keep typing out various sentences trying to explain it but each time it sounds offensive to those who really do have more difficulties in these areas so I'm going to give up trying. Suffice to say I was undiagnosed when I took my driving test and I never had any problems, except for reverse parking maybe! I failed my test the first time yes because I was so excited at getting all the way around the test route that I stopped concentrating briefly as we came back down the road to the test centre and turned right into the test centre without paying any notice to the pedestrian that I almost hit. Ooops! Second time I passed my test with 3 minors. In terms of my driving ability I've never had a crash (fingers crossed) and I've got five years no claims bonus this August. I have 3 points on my license from daring to drive 34mph in a 30mph zone, but that is down to the fact that I would have crashed if I had been monitoring my speedometer so closely and not concentrated on driving than my ability as an Aspie to drive. I follow the rules of driving rigidly in most cases, except for when I make more of an effort to take others into account, god forbid. For example I don't drive at the speed limit if it is not in keeping with the flow of traffic i.e. if it is a 30mph road and the traffic down the road is doing 35-40mph I will keep up with the car in front so I don't cause conflict. If there are no cars in front or behind me I do as I wish and follow the speed limits as roughly as most people do. Neil on the other hand drives at the speed limit and s*d the consequences! He isn't so easily intimidated by Mr BMW as I am But even Neil goes past 70mph on the motorway the speed demon! I guess at the end of the day it is down to the inidivual...do you believe that you would have enough issues driving to warrant informing the DVLA or your instructor about? For me personally I won't be writing to the DVLA to tell them about my AS. I don't consider myself to have a medical condition or mental health condition and I never tick the disabled box on forms because I honestly don't consider myself to have a disability. A diffability yes It doesn't mean that I don't ever declare my AS, I do if I think it would be beneficial for others to know so for example my doctor, optician and local gym knows. If I'm breaking the law by not telling the DVLA then so be it, I can't see any situation in the future where it would even begin to be an issue. Same goes for travel insurance. Just because I'm AS it does not make me more likely to have an accident or require medical attention. Besides which it is supposedly a disability and not a medical condition and therefore my choice if I want to disclose or not. I wonder if people in a wheelchair have to pay higher travel insurance also? Are they more likely to get ill or have an accident just because they sit in a chair with wheels on it? The stupid thing is, is that I can see some insurance companies arguing that this is the case. Absolute tosh. My rather untrustworthy advice would be not to disclose about AS/ASD on forms unless you think it is necessary to do so. After all if your child gets sick or you yourself gets sick it won't be because they or yourselves are Autistic. Sure when treatment is received inform those dealing with the situation that you or your kids are Autistic if you think it is of benefit for them to know, that makes sense, but I certainly won't be worrying about 'lying' to insurance companies in the future. I wonder if it's the same for home insurance? Is your home more likely to burn down because you're Autistic or have Autistic children? Jeez Louise. Anyway apologies for the big ol'ramble, feel free to ignore everything I've said as most of it is just incohesive babbling Emily xxx

@ Kirk Cobain Kurt Cobain did wear dresses sometimes, not sure if it was on stage or not but defo in some of Nirvana's videos. Similarly Dave Grohl seems to like dressing up as a woman in a lot of Foo Fighters videos, as well as the other members of the band. The most memorable video for me where they dress up is Learn to Fly...I would have posted a link to the video for Low where Dave Grohl and Jack Black dress up as women but it's a little bit more non-PG. Learn to Fly As for the dressing up/wearing/touching pants thing I would consult the Mental Health team if you think that it is going to help you but I would definately not let your son know that you're doing this or worse force him to get involved. It might lead him to think that he is wrong/perverted in his actions and as far as I can tell his actions are entirely innocent. It could be a phase, he could be gay or he could be a transvestite or perhaps in future live his life as a transexual. It could be that he just likes the feeling of women's pants, like other posters have said it's not that uncommon for straight men to do this. I know my dad loves dressing up in drag for pantos and fancy dress parties, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with it, he just does a mean Dame Edna impression I wouldn't try to laugh it off with your son either, as much as that would seem the right thing to do, he obviously doesn't view the situation as a joke and could feel like you're making fun of him. I would just really try to sit down and have a casual chat with him about it. Not at times when you seem him wearing your pants either or when you notice they are missing because he is obviously feeling guilty at these times as he himself seems embarrassed by what he does. It's a natural reaction, it's not something that every boy does or announces that they do but it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with doing it just because it's not status quo. It's a little bit like being an Aspie in that respect, we're not 'average' but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. I eat Spaghetti Hoops cold from the tin. I get a little bit embarrassed when people see me doing it as it can come across as a little bit piggish and slobbish but it's never stopped me doing it, I love cold Spaghetti Hoops Not that I'm comparing wearing women's pants to eating Spaghetti Hoops!! Like I said I would approach this in as positive a light as you can do, regardless of your own feelings on the subject matter (and I'm not making a judgement either way here, I can just imagine my own parents reaction if my brother wore women's underwear). Perhaps you can get him some of his own underwear so at least he's not nicking yours or your daughters, I know how it used to feel if my mum and my knickers ever got mixed up in the washing and we only realised when we noticed the pants we were wearing aren't our own and it's not a nice feeling. My mum even found that she was wearing my sister-in-law's bra by mistake the other day after she had mistakenly forgotten to take it home with her after she and my brother visited.....eeek!!! Ultimately I would try and not be too concerned, it's harmless and if it makes your son happy so what? Monitor the situation if you want but don't make it obvious to your son as again you could lead him to view his behaviour as wrong or inappropriate. Hope this post makes sense, I'm very good at rambling so apologies in advance Emily xxx

Hiya Mumble, Sorry to hear things still aren't working out with your accomodation at university. I understand that you don't like 'causing a fuss' or upsetting people, making people's lives 'difficult' and don't like having to go above people to get results.....but....you have to realise that these people (your Disability Officer and her line manager) are not thinking about whether they upset or not so you have to stop thinking about how things are affecting them. A quick advance warning, this is not me having a go at you, I know I'm always saying this but it's true. You've at least tried to rectify situations and have tried, you've done nothing wrong. However, this is kick up the backside time because June 25th is not all that far away. You have to start making a noise. I know it's difficult and I know face to face communication is hard because of the challenges we face with social communication and being in intimidating environments. You have to start believing in yourself and your self worth....you deserve to be happy and if the university is doing something to upset you (or not doing something as might be the case) then that is cause to make a noise. There is nothing wrong with fighting against someone making you upset, as long as it's done in the right way and you've followed all the correct channels and procedures so far. What you need to do is write everything down in one document, use dates, facts and quotes where possible and use professional business-like language (I know you will do this anyway but it's always worth reiterating). But, don't just write down what has happened and don't just write down 'and this makes me upset' or 'I can't cope' because these terms are too vague for people to relate to. Tell them exactly how these problems affect you, down to the details that you think other people might find 'silly'. Explain your normal day where you are able to get up and do work and then explain a day where you get up and worry about accomodation. State explicitly how these non-academic worries impact on your academic work. Basically you have to spell it out to these people and do everything you can to give them a chance to understand where you are coming from. When it's not your own problem that you are dealing with or you don't have experience of something it's all too easy to brush it to one side or dismiss how big a problem it can be. You have to remind them and tell them how bad it is. I know it sucks that you have to do this but you have to throw it in their faces every single time that this is how things affect you and these are the explicit ways in which that happens. Our lives are always at the forefront of our minds so in order to get your problems resolved you have to make sure that your life is at the forefront of the minds of the people that can help you. You will only do this if you start being absolutely 100% honest about how bad it is. My suspicion is that you summarise to your mentor/lecturer and never let it out just how bad things are, how they make you feel. For starters I would do this and then I would go and see whoever it is that you want to make a noise on your behalf whether it's your mentor/lecturer whatever. Ask them, nay plead with them to get you an appointment to see the Dean of the university or as high up as you can get. Tell them that your position on the course is in jeopardy and that it's not ok for this to be the case. If you can have a hunt online or through any prospectus materials you were given and find the universities SEN policy (they will have one and it should be publicly available). Have a read of that and find the paragraphs that contradict the support you are currently receiving from your Disability Officer (non-contactable, her not involving you in every aspect of your support). Essentially, find the things that she should be doing but that's she's not. Cross reference these points to your document. It's important that you get a hold of the SEN Policy or Disabled Students guidelines/criteria because if a university is not following these guidelines then they could be in serious trouble. Get all this together ready for whatever meeting you manage to wrangle. If you can in the meantime pluck up the courage to contact the Disability Rights Commission or ask your mentor/sister to do this for you. If you could get a representative with you at the meeting that would be better. Get in touch with Skills again as well...it's not rude for you to get in touch twice, it's rude of them to not reply. If their involvement will help you then you have to fight for it, even if it means annoying the heck out of them to get it. I know this sounds like a lot of hard work and disturbance for you. I appreciate that by fighting these people it will lead to more stress and possibly no positive resolution for you but honestly what is the alternative? Is it better to sit in your room and wait for June 25th to roll around just so you don't rock the boat? Things will never change unless you stick your neck out and take a risk. If carrying on at university is what you want to do then you gotta fight for it, every step of the way. I know I'm going into cliche territory and that you don't need my eternal optimism ramming down your throat, I'm annoying I know, but just try and remember that at least this way you are doing everything you can to put things right. If you do nothing then there is room for regret. If you do everything possible and you still can't continue studying there then I'd say there is probably room for a nice little lawsuit . By the by if the university remain unhelpful then perhaps you should start putting the feelers out at other universities and look to transfer. I don't know if this is possible during Masters degrees and whatnot but it's worth taking into consideration rather than just giving up studying altogether. You said it yourself that it is the only thing you enjoy doing so if transferring works so be it. There's always the media as well if the university become appallingly bad in their inability to support you. Again I know it means causing a fuss but if it brings about change then hey a little more stress has got to be worth it. You're stressed and upset already so what is there to lose? I wish I could spend more time on this, I know for a fact that there are websites out there that are places of support for Asperger university students but I'm running late to meet Neil so I better end it here (thank god I hear you say ) . I have a job interview tomorrow and then I'm fairly busy packing and whatnot because we are heading to Portsmouth for a few days as Neil is on business there. (There is a point to this trust me.) The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of next week I shall be shacked up in a hotel room by my lonesome while Neil is off at work, unless I'm actually brave enough to venture out and discover Portsmouth by myself, so I will try and find some websites/information then that might help you, if you want me too. I don't think I'll have much chance to spend a lot of time online before then. Anyway, I hope things get better soon and remember to get on the case straight away looking for the SEN policy and whatnot (or if you already have it, start rifling through it to find key points) because June 25th will roll around quicker than expected and the sooner you start taking some positive action the better you should start to feel even though you're not getting a resolution just yet. It has to beat sitting there worrying about everything. Sorry if this comes across as bolshy or bossy, I am perhaps too direct at times in saying what I think but y'know if it helps in anyway who cares. Personally I blame the Aspergers Emily xxx p.s. sincere apologies for any spelling mistakes or rubbish grammar, I'd like to say it's because I'm typing fast so I'm not late but really I'm just bad at English

We do seem to be rather busy at the moment....not in that way! Well, mebbes just a little bit...but mostly busy sorting out our lives I guess that's what happens when someone asks you to move halfway across the country to be with them? Baggy and SV put down those hats! It's a logical Aspie thing (mostly) as I seem to spend all my time ooop here anyway so it kinda makes sense to make it more permanent. So from June onwards it looks like this Barmy Brummy is going to become a....a....Northerner!?!?! I'm sure things will settle down soon enough and Neil will have plenty of time to do other things, like posting on here, instead of constantly worrying where all my stuff is going to go Emily xxx

I really enjoyed myself yesterday, it was great meeting everyone!! (all ASD aware...what a revelation!) I made it through the day anyway, despite the usual array of things going wrong....my jeans being too big and me walking around looking like some kind of weirdo cos I kept having to hitch them up every two minutes, a rather nasty lump on my eye swelling up and making me feel like the elephant man! I did think it was a little spot but now I'm not so sure, either way I look like I've got a black eye and it was only my big thick black glasses that hid what was really going on around my eye yesterday Two out of the three toilets were not working at some point and F&Bs, for some strange reason, thought it was a good idea to pump 'How to Learn Italian' over the speakers in the toilet so not only was there always a queue for the loo but you had to listen to someone telling you how to order ice-cream in Italian at the same time! Freaked me out Thankfully the music they had in the restaurant was incredibly loud so people eating and what-not wasn't a problem but the music was so loud that trying to have a conversation with anyone who wasn't sat directly next to you was a nightmare! Also I made the mistake of ordering a Club sandwich type thing which is usually fine but when they put the plate in front of me they had put the sandwich at the bottom and covered it in chips and then covered the chips in green stuff!!! Arraaghhh!! I have to have my food seperate so me and Neil then spent the next five minutes trying to scrape the green stuff off of the chips and move the chips from the main plate onto a side plate so nothing was touching I got that freaked out by the chip/sandwich fiasco that I then found it necessary to separate my club sandwich into food types...I ended up with a little pile of tomatoes, a little pile of chicken, another of bacon and then a bread pile I didn't get much chance to speak to Bagpuss, KarenT or David but I did talk for England at SV, Tally and Bikergal.....I can only apologise for my inability to shut up At least it gave Neil a break from my waffle for a bit As much as yesterday confirmed that everyone I met was as nice as they come across online and that it is possible for me to do lots of new stuff and survive, it also confirmed that I have the best boyfriend in the world My Knight in a Shining Corsa didn't shout at me when I was half an hour late in getting ready, held me tight on the Metro (my first time on a train in a long, long time), didn't abandon me when I kept stopping to pull my jeans up, ate my chips and half my club sandwich so I didn't feel guilty about wasting his money (that was such a hardship for you eh Neil? ), treated me to a Thornton's Ice-Cream while we walked back to the train station and then drove home putting up with me falling asleep (and probably snoring) Looking forward to the next meet-up...if you'll have me back that is Emily xxx

Pfffft!!! I was quite happily burying my head refusing to accept that the meet-up was this weekend until you posted this! Why did you have to do it eh? Why bring up what to wear I am now officially pretending to fall out with you for making me do that thing that women do when they think about what clothes they have and all of a sudden none of them are good enough anymore I'm even considering going shopping this afternoon to see if they have discovered how to make nice clothes for fat people yet, though I assume that it will still be clothes made out of stretchy material that clings to every mahoosive lump and bump that I have...yeah, can't believe they haven't won the nobel prize for that yet, GENIUS!! I hope you consider yourself sufficiently reprimanded Missy Emily xxx

Ok, eeek, where to start!!! I know I usually put these little asides at the beginning of my posts to let people know that I'm not having a go or deliberately trying to upset people and I thought that people might notice them and notice that I'm being genuine but it appears to not always work! I don't put this stuff here for a laugh, to add just a little bit more to the novel-esque posts that I already write, I do it for a reason. As much as I'm Aspergers and can tend to ruffle a few NT or AS feathers whenever I write things I'd like to make a little plea for you to remember that I am Aspergers!!! I would never write something if I didn't mean it or 100% believe it, I'm such an awful liar, horrendous at it, so please, please, please if you read me saying 'no offence intended, I'm not telling people they're wrong, I'm not forcing my opinion on people to be accepted' try and believe that I mean what I'm saying Just to explain the way I'm going to do my post in advance, to avoid any further mis-understandings (see, I'm paranoid about everything!) I will take the points that people have made that I feel I want to reply to and do it by person. I'm not singling people out for further attacks and I'm not here to tell anyone their opinion isn't as valid as mine. For the record I have never ever said that people have to do as I say or think like I do, even the whole flipping terminology thing (I'll get to that later) I know I said that when it comes to referring to it as 'I am Aspergers' it is 'just how I feel'. So when people have responded saying 'well I don't agree and I'm going to keep saying it like this if you don't mind' I would just like to reassure you that honest you don't have to tell me or fight back against what I'm saying because I don't expect anyone to even listen to me in the first place let alone consider adapting their thinking to sit more in line with mine. I'm not saying things on here so that people will stop thinking as they do and start all thinking like me, no way, never. I say what I say to just throw my lil' coin into the mix (as I'm entitled to, even if my opinion differs from the status quo) and to just add my view point. If people read it and agree, fair enough, if people read it and dismiss it, fair enough. I disagree with a whole load of things that are said on here and things that happen in the world but I'm not running around shouting at everyone or changing my thinking to get in line with everyone else so for people to think I would expect other people to do that just because I said something is to kind of underestimate my ability to accept difference of opinions. For what it's worth, and I hope this is now plainly clear, I wholeheartedly believe in different opinions coming together and floating about and hope that this gets through to people and that they don't feel in future that they have to defend themselves against me. Sure give me your alternative opinions, I welcome them, but you don't have to do it defensively Right onwards I guess... Lizzie - You are certainly not under fire from me Again, I wasn't attacking you or your opinions and I definately never once questioned the love you have for your kids or the support you give them. I have re-read my post a hundred times and I know that isn't what I put. Yes it does make me sad for your sons that you think of their 'negative' behaviour as them being more Autistic. I do think like this, I can't lie and say otherwise. But this is just my opinion and I'm just being honest. I'm not saying 'you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong' I'm saying 'I've read and understood what you're saying, here is my take on the situation' end of. I've said it a million times and will continue to say it, the very fact that any parent is on this forum asking questions about their kids...even if they aren't necessarily the right questions (in my opinion) or their attitudes towards ASDs aren't what I agree with...just shows that at the very basic level they at least care about their kids and love them. If I could 'ask' anything of the parents on here, as someone who is an adult who is Aspergers, or not even ask and expect it to happen just have it known...I would just say that as long as you never stop loving your kids and caring for them as well as never stop asking questions and learning more then nobody could 'ask' for more. I don't think you're a bad parent Lizzie, I simply don't agree with what you define as being Autistic behaviour, that's all...it's really not anything to feel attacked over. I understand that as a parent of an ASD kid (or kids in your case) that you spend a lot of time fighting for things and battling against people and that sometimes life can be full of people telling you that you're wrong. But again I would just like to plead with you not to put me in that box, I'm not one of those people. I'm on your side!! But just as that is the case it doesn't mean we are going to agree 100% over everything and there is nothing wrong with that (Just to pre-empt any more confusion, I'm not now attacking you either for you thinking I was attacking you in the first place, if that makes sense, just clarifying my initial intent because I don't like people to think that I'm intentionally setting out to hurt people when that isn't ever part of my plan.) Mum22boys - You definately haven't offended me in the slightest, don't worry!!!! I never sit here and claim to offer the best advice, the right advice or even logical and cohesive advice in the first place. Sometimes it's not even advice, it's just words strung together. I really don't want people to be nervous of replying to anything that I write for fear of upsetting me or unsettling me...go for it! I'm a big girl (literally) it would take much more than a few words to ever upset me. The fact that you were nervous replying when you replying to agree with me makes me worry what kind of ogre I must come across as But honest, I would never want to intimidate people. I'm 24, female (apparently), a bit of a geek (thick black glasses and an obsession for Spongebob Squarepants) and I'm a big softie (ask Neil) and I spend most of my days on here whenever I write a reply to anything fretting that people will take what I've said the wrong way. I hope this hints at the extreme lack of self-confidence and self-esteem that I have, I really do think I'm fairly useless and worthless. It's just that on here because I don't have to physically be in a social situation and I don't have to worry about people seeing what I look like that my personality is allowed to come through a little bit and that because of this I can come across as confident and upbeat. Usually I can breathe a sigh of relief when I don't cause World War 346. When I do cause a riot I like to not stick up for myself or reiterate my position exactly, but I like to clarify that I'm not trying to bully my opinion on others and that, honestly, I'm just here to help if I can. I'm no more or no less important than anyone else on this forum. Mumble - Thanks for the kind words, you're right, the praise thing is an issue for me and I wholeheartedly reject it (no offence) but I do appreciate what you said all the same and I think it's cool that we seem to think along the same lines. As for the whole 'I am Aspergers' thing, you got what I was trying to say and I agree one hundred per cent that if there was some way that people could take my Aspergers away I wouldn't simply then become NT, I would just in fact cease to exist. To take away my Aspergers is to take away me. I don't expect everyone else to feel like this, this is just how me and you feel and that's alright Bid - I understand that the terminology that I use to describe Aspergers is awkward and I still sometimes say I have Aspergers or those with Aspergers. I certainly wasn't thrusting my terminology on others and expecting that it becomes the term to use. Like I said above, just sticking my two bits worth in. In fact I'm fairly sure that's what I said in my original post but just to clarify...I have found that my Aspergers and understanding it sits better with me if I refer to me as being Aspergers. I have also found that other people find it easier to understand when I describe it as not something I have but as something I am. That's just the way I have experienced things and just my take on it. I have played around with the terminology and found that saying I am Aspergic or Aspergest just don't fly for me. Sometimes I will use Aspergic but I tend to avoid it if I can because it sounds similar to Allergic and my Aspergers isn't an allergy Similarly me saying I'm Aspergest, to me, makes me sound like I'm explaining my political stance so I don't use that either. I think that the difference between saying I am Autistic and saying I have Aspergers is because Autism doesn't have that whole 'syndrome' thing attached to the end of it. Just as it is awkward to say that someone is Autistic Spectrum Disorder, I still use it that way or at the very least say that they are on the Spectrum or fall somewhere in the Spectrum rather than saying they have an ASD. I think I am able to do this because I disregard the Syndromes and the Disorders as I don't tend to associate those words with who I am. Even though it felt awkward to say I am Aspergers initially I have now gotten used to this phrase and it feels ok to me. Again I'm not saying this to try and persuade you around to my way of thinking, just really I want to explain myself a bit better so that no mis-understandings arise. You say it how you say it, I say it how I say it....neither is more right/wrong. (So please don't worry that you've been saying it wrong Pearl ) Lisa - Thank you for giving my post a chance and not just seeing it as my having a go because I raised opinions that conflicted with what you were saying....I was so worried that I had totally bombarded you straight away and that I would frighten you off altogether. But I figured that if my opinion added something, anything, that led to a more positive way forward with your son then it was worth the risk. I don't want it to sound like I under-estimated your ability to deal with what I was saying, but I just know how over-whelming learning about Aspergers can be and I'm all too aware that you already have enough people around you shouting different things at you that are different to how you think/feel. The fact that you mentioned that your kid seems to know he's different but 'can't put a finger on it' just makes me more glad that I decided to post because this is essentially what I was getting at. Even though we might appear as if we are coping, and even if we are actually coping just fine and are happy in our lives, for me I can say that I always knew I was different and have found that this is common enough with other people I've talked to, to assume that it's pretty much granted that most people with Aspergers will feel the same. Things can go a variety of ways as kids get older and I can't say for sure what kind of experience your son will have, but I know for me not knowing that there was a reason why I felt different (and it was ok, it wasn't a bad reason) led to a fairly unhappy time as a teenager and young adult for myself. I would veer from being positive that I must be adopted because I was nothing like the rest of my family to be completley convinced that I had a brain tumour or was going mentally insane. I would even go to the doctors and beg him to send me for a brain scan because I knew it wasn't just an attitude problem or something I would grow out of. Had I known about Aspergers, even if I had rejected refering to myself as being Aspergers, would have at least led to me knowing that I wasn't mad, bad or dying. My fear is that other kids will grow up having similar experiences to mine and that just makes me literally hurt inside. To have to just deal with being a teenager is enough, to be an Aspergers teenager is mainly just different, but because it's being different in an NT-structured world, probably more challenging to cope with and understand. Add being an undiagnosed Aspegers teenager into the mix and all hell breaks loose. I'm not saying that your kid being undiagnosed would lead to unhappiness, I can't guarentee that him being diagnosed would lead to happy teenage years and beyond...but from my experience and what I've learnt and me believing a thousand times over that understanding, understanding, understanding is key to being Aspergers and living a positive happy life...pursuing a diagnosis has to be preferable than not. I'm glad that you seem to be thinking along these lines and I realise that it will be tough standing up to the teachers at school but that's what this forum is also for, to celebrate the happy times, to support through the bad times and to just keep talking to one another so that nobody stops learning. I realise I'm writing too much again but just quickly.....my boyfriend Neil is also Aspergers, he posts on here as TheNeil just so you know. He's ancient (well, 32, hehehe) and he still hates going to the hairdressers and has to get straight in the shower when he gets home. He also has that whole photographic memory thing going on, or instant recall as I think of it. He remembers little things that you've said that you don't expect anyone to remember and soaks things up that he is exposed to like tv programmes, films, books, computery things and what not. I on the other hand struggle to remember my own name and what I did yesterday but when I do remember things it is often in pictures. I might not be able to just reel off the shopping list to my mom if she left at home (as per usual) but if I try and visualise it in my head I can usually remember most things on there. Similarly I notice when people get haircuts or change their appearance and know when little things get moved around. But I don't seem to have the gift of remembering names and numbers like a lot of Aspies do. It is hard to say that anything we do is because of being Aspergers as we are ourselves and individuals first and foremost but I agree that it does seem to be fairly common Right, blimey I've been typing for what seems like forever so time for me to shut it! I can only apologise for how much I write and I do try to self-edit but I can't help it, honest, I take pages to say what a lot of people could probably sum up in two words, meh, if you read it all then fair enough, if you don't, fair enough I hope that I've reassured people that I'm not some big ogre out to get everyone and that people understand where I'm coming from and what I base my opinions on a bit better. I'm not defending my opinions by writing this (even if I have taken time to flesh them out a bit in an attempt to make them more understandable...please don't mis-interpret this as me trying to force them on you some more) but I am defending my approach to this forum and the people on it. I'll say it once more. I'm here to help, I'm here to listen and I try really hard to do this without offending people or making people upset. Sometimes in order to help or give my opinion it means me disagreeing with people or diverting from the status quo but y'know, so what, that's life!! Emily xxx

Hi Lisa, First off I think it's great that you're at least asking questions regarding your son. However, being Aspergers myself, I have to say that reading your posts and the replies that followed threw up so many red flags and flares for me that I couldn't not post a reply this time. Usually if things bother me that people on here write I can dismiss them and accept the fact that there are a lot of people on here that are new to ASDs and are not approaching the issue with the same information that I am and so can ignore the little things that bother me and just move on happy at least that they are taking steps to find out more. It's not that I can't do that for you or that your post is the worst post I've ever read but I really want to help you try and understand all the other reasons why you should seek a diagnosis other than the ones you have come up with because to put it bluntly, I think you're kinda missing out on the bigger picture here. Please don't take this as an attack, I know I write this alot in my posts and it's not me making excuses for then launching a veiled attack at people but I know that people can get a bit irked when some idiot comes along and starts saying 'don't do that, do this' and I just like to get the point across first that I'm only here to help It seems to me here that far from 'having' 'mild Aspergers' your son is actually displaying at lot of the personality traits that make up those first listed by Hans Asperger. I can't say he's Aspergers, of course not, but the way in which he lives his life seems similar to me to that of others who are also Aspergers/ASD. The way I see it the word Aspergers (ignoring the whole stupid Syndrome thing for a second) refers to the guy who first created this list of traits that can be common in people who are Aspergers. This doesn't mean that these 'differences' are found in every person who is Aspergers but that they are common to those who are and not as common to those who are non-Aspergers or Neurotypical. It's a hard one to explain because in a lot of ways I'm not so different to you or the guy who lives next door to me or my mum or anyone else who is Neurotypical and even those 'differences' that I do have aren't so radical and extreme when you compare them to Neurotypical behaviour or thinking. I like to do things in a routine and I don't get jokes, the difference between these preferences and liking to do things randomly and being able to get jokes aren't all that hard to grasp because it's essentially human behaviour or thinking that's just a bit different....it's not like I walk around on all fours and talk in numbers. I know you're probably thinking, what on earth are you on about? But what I'm trying to say is too often people dismiss those around them as couldn't possibly being Aspergers/ASD because they are not 'abnormal' (for want of a much, much better term) enough and so they get 'oh they're just different' or the whole 'mild' thing comes into play. Because it is something that most people are not aware of or understand I think the presumption is that these people who are Aspergers must be so totally different to Neurotypicals and in many, many respects it's just not the case. Looking at me and talking to me (depending on the situation) you would never know that I do/think differently to you but when you take all the little things that I do, do differently and all the ways in which I do think differently then you can see that it's only when you address these things on a whole that the big difference between Neuros and Aspies becomes clear. I hope this makes sense. So I guess that deals with you referring to 'mild Aspergers' but I'd just like to pick up on a couple of other things. You refer to knowing that your son is "not quite 'right'" and I know that you put that term in indents but regardless it helps if you can approach him being different as positively as possible. There is nothing 'wrong' with me and I certainly do not suffer...I'm just different. Just different and there is absolutely nothing wrong with describing myself as being just different. I believe 100% that I was born being me and that it boils down to me being wired differently. I know that it can sound flippant especially when these little 'differences' can make coping with life and living in a NT world incredibly hard and frustrating at times but mostly I struggle to live through life just as anyone else does. I just tend to struggle with different things and in different ways to most NTs is all. When it comes to seeking a diagnosis I am 100% behind it. Yes a lot of people do worry abouting getting labelled 'with a stigma' and these fears have popped into my head at times and tend to reappear whenever my diagnosis is treated/received negatively by others. BUT, their reaction is the negative, not my diagnosis. For me my diagnosis (aged 22) finally confirmed that I wasn't going mentally insane, that there wasn't (and still isn't) anything wrong with my mental health. It also meant that I could finally begin to piece the fragmented jigsaw puzzles, that I have always carried around in my head, together at last. Now I get it, now I know why walking around a Supermarket can be the most terrifying and stressful experience that I will probably ever come across. Now I know that I'm not a bad person for not being able to tolerate the noises that other people make when they eat. As much as it can lead to negative reactions from an ignorant society it has so many more positive impacts. Now I can say to people, look I'm not being rude when I don't look you in the eye and it's not your fault why I don't want to talk about the weather. All my life so far I have been treated as a miserable, surly ignorant trouble maker with a bad attitude and lack of respect. I mean so many parents worry about the label of Aspergers of being a negative impact on their child's life...are they really so ignorant as to presume that a non-diagnosis will be any more positive? I understand both sides of the argument but the one thing that so many people forget when they discuss this on here is the most important point of all......your child.....do they not deserve to understand themselves just because mom and dad worry how they are going to explain this one to their friends? Do they really need to spend their whole lives thinking they are wrong and a bad person for not being able to do things the same way as 'most' other people? Should they not get a shot at understanding their differences no matter how long it might take them to process the information you're giving them and turn it into a positive? Yeah it probably would be tough to begin with and I'm sure a lot of kids would reject the notion of 'being different' but the more socialising and living in the 'real world' come into play as they move out of education the more difficulties they are going to face if they do not at least understand that they are different for a reason. So what if academically they are doing fine? Since when has Aspergers been a learning disability? It's not. Yeah sure some kids who are ASD and Aspergers can have added learning difficulties but you shouldn't dismiss a diagnosis just because your kid is learning ok. With Aspergers the ability to learn things is pretty much a given considering that we commonly have an average or above average intelligence. The fact that your child is not coping so well when he's not learning should be the pressing issue here and even if an official diagnosis is not pursued you should at least give some serious time to investigating ways to better understand your child and teach them effective coping mechanisms that they can use in future. I know that teaching coping mechanisms probably sounds really daunting and scary at this point but it really isn't, it refers to things that can be quite simple such as wearing sunglasses and ear plugs/using an mp3 player when out shopping as it lessens the chances of sensory overloading. Again I'm not having a go and recognise that this is probably more the school's viewpoint than your own but seriously just because he appears to be coping shouldn't mean that something shouldn't be done. Why wait until your child is unable to cope with life and is upset and acting out his frustrations and anger in a negative way before you take steps to give him a better understanding of himself? It just doesn't make any sense. Lizzie, just as I mentioned above, the same applies here, I'm not having a go, just trying to help but there are things you have put here which I really disagree with as someone who is Aspergers. 'You either have it or you don't'....I recognise what you're trying to say and agree fully with the no such thing as 'mild' Aspergers but I'd just like to put my point of view across and that is that I don't 'have' anything. This is just how I feel. I don't have something, when I walk around I don't have Aspergers sitting in my pocket. I don't have a lump in my head that needs taking away or that even could be taken away. By referring to Aspergers as being something I have I immediately begin to feel more negatively about it because I guess my head thinks that if you have something you could technically take it away. I would never seek a cure or anything like that so I guess in some respects it shouldn't bother me but I just find it sits easier with me and it is easier for other people to understand if I just say that Aspergers is part of me, just like my freckles, freakily huge big toes and green eyes. I am Emily first, someone who is Aspergers second just as Aspergers doesn't explain who I am, but it forms quite a large part of the definition of me. Again I disagree with you when you say the differences in those who are Aspergers/Autism occur based on how difficult they find life/coping. I don't think you can measure the 'level' of someone's Aspergers/Autism based on their ability to live positively and happily in an NT world. I seemingly 'cope' a lot better on the surface than those who are Aspergers but have more noticeable communication difficulties. This doesn't mean they are 'more' Aspergic than me as my senses, I have found out, are a lot more sensitive than others who are Aspergers. I think you also have to look at how much the person is aware that they are Aspergers and what coping mechanisms they are putting into place. You could have a kid who has quite big differences to that of NTs but who is fully AS aware and is employing the right strategies and approaches to life that mean that negative feelings/frustrations don't crop up so much and so what NTs perceive as being negative behaviour/thinking isn't as likely to be seen is that person. So when you say your sons display more 'autistic behaviour' when they are going through rough patches it makes me feel kinda sad for them that you think of Autistic behaviour as them getting their stress/anxiety/frustrations out in a negative way (or way that isn't the best for the kids emotional health). Just because at times they act happy and positive and can display 'good' behaviour, it doesn't make them any less Autistic, it just means that at that moment in time they have less difficulties to face and are able to 'cope' better. In pretty much the same way that when NT people go through rough patches, like problems at work, problems with relationships, their moods can change and their ability to 'cope' with life can change. I know that this is essentially what you go on to say in your post but the difference is that I would see their behaviour deteoriating or their ability to cope deteoriating as a result of circumstance and just 'behaviour' rather than them being 'more Autistic'. With the right support and setting you're right your kids will 'cope' better/be happier but it won't make them display any less 'Autistic behaviour' just less negative behaviour. I hope that makes sense and you can see the difference between what I'm saying and what you're saying. I hope you see what I'm saying as me trying to help and give some advice. I do find it difficult to get into words what I want to say and more often than not what I say does tend to get people's backs up but my intentions are nothing but good I promise I hope at least that having an Aspie point of view helps. Emily xxx

Hi, I've been sat here pondering this topic for quite a while trying to make sure that I take my time and give the right response rather than just responding straight away and it coming off as a bit of a tirade, which I have a tendancy to do, even when it's not what I'm aiming for. My only aim is to try and help, even if I am frustrated by the very people I'm trying to help I know this advice will probably be a lot of stuff you've already thought about and I do, honestly, appreciate how difficult it can be trying to parent someone who thinks they know it all and actually does most of the time. But regardless your son's intellectual ability is probably never going to change, he's always going to be smart, but the way he perceives his abilities, his approach to life and the ways in which he uses his intelligence are all changeable and it is in these areas that as a parent you have a direct, and fairly massive, influence. Therefore I think that, as much as you can, you need to try and change the way in which you respond to his intelligence seen as though his intelligence is never going to change and given the fact that your response can have a huge impact on how he views/uses his intelligence. So the kid is smart, THE KID IS SMART!!! Why is this viewed as something utterly terrifying and uncontrollable?? Perhaps it isn't his constant questioning that frustrates/angers you...perhaps instead it is the fact that most of the time you don't know the answer or don't have time to sit down and give a detailed answer (or even want to) that is frustrating you and can make you angry. This isn't a jibe at you in any way shape or form, I'm not attacking you not knowing the answers to some things it's just human nature. Some people know more than others and this varies according to what the knowledge is based on. You could probably run rings around me when it comes to parenting seen as though I don't actually have any children but ask us both to analyse some poetry and I'd probably sprint ahead there. It's swings and roundabouts and just life. And it's ok Letting your kid know that you don't have all the answers/time to explain the answers might be a step forward. I know it sounds stupidly obvious but as a kid I never questioned the fact in my head that my parents knew everything and that they were some kind of oracle of knowledge and never made mistakes in life. This was just a given and it broke my heart a thousand times over (and still does) whenever they proved to me that this wasn't the case because they never said otherwise, they always told me 'we know best' and 'what we says goes' which I realise now is just something that parents say, even if occassionally it is true. If they had said 'look, Emily, I don't have all the answers, I'm not perfect and that's ok' I might have had an easier time dealing with this issue but they didn't and if they didn't know something they just batted me away and that was end of, they never gave me other alternatives. Saying to your child that you aren't perfect and don't know everything is a huge thing to do but it will only work if you follow it up with showing them other outlets of information. Does he really know everything that can be found in a library? Online? Have you showed him Wikipedia or found Physics sites that might interest him? What about contacting local universities and asking the science lecturers there if they would be willing to donate an hour or so a month to chatting with him about sciencey stuff? Are there local evening classes or groups that are dedicated to science things? Even if they are all adult based why not give the kid a chance to try it? His brain is moving at pretty much the same level, yes granted his social skills and maturity levels will be severly lacking compared to a 40years+ science professor but I only learn social skills through being social and making mistakes, no matter how painful and upsetting some mistakes can be to learn. Given MSN and SKYPE why not broaden the use of the internet and search for online forums in America where they actually celebrate and attempt to do something for gifted and talented kids? I'm all too aware of the build-em up then knock-em down attitude that we have here and in America they are completely different. Being good at something, regardless of what that something is, is viewed as a positive and something to recognise and treasure. So your son comes across as arrogant and a bit of a know it all at times, especially when it comes to correcting the teacher at school on how to conduct a fair experiment....but, ultimately if that teacher can learn something from your son and can do fair experiments in future and thus teach better science surely this is something to view as a positive? Regardless of how embarrassed or sleighted that teacher might feel that a kid is correcting her/him...if they have anything about them or don't have an ego the size of the Sun they should, eventually, be able to recognise your son's contributions as a plus point and use them to work off and make improvements to their own teaching ability/intelligence. Your child will rub people up the wrong way and he will get things wrong but don't those who are of a lower intelligence do the same thing? Don't those who are of average intelligence do the same thing? All people make mistakes and all people get things wrong and at some point every single person will annoy or anger someone else but because we who are Autistic or Aspergers tend to make mistakes and anger people in a way which most people never experience then all of a sudden it is our problem and we need fixing! So his intelligence and attitude towards life can be scary and intimidating you can't just give up or get into a negative groove when thinking about it because as soon as that happens you will start to project that onto your child. Do you really want it to get to a point where he views his own abilities as a negative thing? Or even figures out that you view his intelligence as sometimes being a negative thing? He's going to be smart enough to figure out that you having this point of view isn't exactly the best way you could have approached it and he might even resent you for it. I know I do my parents. It was something they couldn't manage and something which scared the heck out of them but rather embrace the fear they had and put it into helping me in whatever way they could it was used against me or it was dampened down to the point where I no longer had any self belief. I found out when I was 16 that my parents, many times over, had been given opportunities to advance me academically but had chosen not to on the grounds that it wasn't status quo and it might have affected my older brother. Their negativity towards my intelligence and their response to my intelligence has had a massive impact on how I view my own intelligence now and how I use it. I'm not meaning to have a go at all and it isn't coming out in the nice structured way that I would have hoped for but basically I'm trying to say please try and see the positives. I know, I get it, him waking you up really early in the morning to ask nonsense questions about why you can't find god in the earth's make-up can be frustrating, annoying and a complete pain but give him the tools to at least look for that information elsewhere, even if it is regarding something to which he'll never find an answer for (like the god thing) because I bet somewhere out there, there are discussions on that very topic that he could at least read and give his brain to digest. At the end of the day, to use that old stock phrase, he's just a kid and you're just an adult and you're both trying to do this thing called life. Too many times on here I see parents who when faced with something that challenges their kids 'happiness' (or what they perceive as their kids being happy...like the old 'I wish he would go outside and play and be happier' as if he would actually be happier going outside to play...um, here's a clue, he wouldn't!!!!) that all of a sudden alarm bells go off and the flapping starts and you panic. I mean it's never going to end, y'know, there are always going to be problems and things that they find difficult in life. Just because the things that your kids find difficult are different to what most other kids find difficult doesn't mean that it is the end of the world or that they are having a lesser quality of life. Yeah sometimes things are a little more/a whole lot more difficult for ASD kids, most of the time though life is just difficult in a different way. That day when nothing goes wrong and nothing bothers them and total happiness is achieved is never going to happen. It's a fantasy. There are always going to be problems that's just the way life balances out the good things that happen. We still get up and live everyday and I can guarantee that most days for everyone in the world there will be something that they find difficult or hard to cope with. Our ability to focus on the things we like and love and the positives is the reason so many of us choose to live. Again I know what I'm trying to say, it just doesn't come out right so sorry if I'm off offending people again. I honestly don't mean to and I really am just trying to help. I don't know what my aim was with this post and I couldn't sum it all up what point I'm essentially trying to make but if reading this just changes the way you think/approach your son just ever so slightly or gets you thinking even about the way in which you approach your son then ho hum I'm happy Emily xxx

Thanks for all the well wishes As much as I want to tell the whole world just how me and Neil got together unfortunately it's going to stay private for now. Anyone who has gotten to know me over the last few months will know that prior to me and Neil getting together I was in a long term relationship with someone else. Seen as though me and Neil have only been together a month it doesn't feel quite right explaining how one relationship ended and another started just yet. Things are all very new and it was a huge step posting on here that we are together I'm finally going back home tomorrow, much to my parents disgust, having stayed up here for a week and a bit Neil's heading down to 'Birminghamshire' Friday night for the weekend, he did the meet the parents thing two weeks ago so things should be a little less stressful this time!! Though I have offered to take the guinea pigs with me tomorrow when I go so he can still see them at the weekend. Am I mental? I'm driving in my kettle on wheels with the two little balls of fluff that he holds most dear!!! Who cares if you can do 70 on the motorway, I shall be sticking firmly to 20 miles an hour tyvm Emily xxx

Awwww Tally, of course you still come along!! Whether you're Aspie or not or have ASD kids or not doesn't matter...you're part of a network of people on here who all share an interest in ASDs and you're our friend and want to come along to the meet up. As far as I'm aware (and Neil is nodding along with me hehehe) there is no criteria that anyone has to meet on here in order for them to be here. Whatever the result of your consultation, I'm still looking forward to meeting you Emily xxx

Hehehe Bagpuss there was a short sharp intake of air and a noticeable look of panic on Neil's face when he read chief bridesmaid and godmother together in the same sentence Can't actually wait to come to Newcastle now for the meet-up, I mean I was looking forward to it before but I was understandably nervous doing it by myself, meeting you lot while holding Neil's hand should be easier now By tomorrow we'll have managed a month together so fingers crossed for the future Emily xxx PS Bikergal, Neil told me about you mentioning him being quiet having something to do with a woman

I'm glad this is good news for people! Still a table for twelve though, I think Neil's legs would last about 30 seconds if I sat on them Just goes to show though that love knows no boundaries I guess. We live two hours apart, Neil is 8 years older than me and we're both Aspies who usually struggle to communicate and loathe eye contact and physical touching. Yet we do nothing but talk, stare at each other like a couple of love-struck idiots and hug each other loads Emily xxx

Tis true (well not the beautiful bit, I still one hundred per cent believe I resemble Johnny Vegas' sister but thankfully a certain fellow loony tune Aspie disagrees) This bloke sat opposite me, TheNeil, is a bit of a hunk to tell the truth. I say a bit. I mean totally charming and handsome of course I'm sure this seems a bit out of the blue to everyone but rest assured it isn't, we're both shy but the Newcastle meet-up is in a couple of weeks so we couldn't keep it secret forever Unfortunately the ins and outs of how Badonkadonk and TheNeil came to be sat opposite each other on the same sofa will remain private for now and in the future....suffice to say I have been completely swept off my feet and consider myself to be one very lucky lady. There, that's enough gossip to keep you lot going for weeks!!! Emily xxx

I'm still coming to Newcastle ...and so is TheNeil How do I know that? Well maybe I just leant over and asked him Time to put yer detectives hats on?? Here's a clue... Hehehehe Emily xxx

Hiya Mumble, I know exactly what you're going through with public speaking, I have the same problems. I can do the speech in my head and it all comes out fine and I can speak while alternating my tone and pitch in order to make points effectively and use the way I speak to signpost listeners to the important points etc. But as soon as I get up in front of people I turn into Little Miss Monotone and 'mumble' my way through whatever I have to say, usually at great speed. However I recently made a breakthrough with public speaking which has actually laid a few of my fears to rest and proved to myself that public speaking is something I can actually do. Not necessarily do successfully but I CAN do it. I would be reluctant to rely on medication to help in these situations as essentially in order to keep making positive progress towards speaking in public eventually you will have to do it without the medication anyway. So while it is harder now and will be more of a challenge to speak confidently and positively in public, if you can achieve it without medication you make greater progress overall. I think the whole aversion thing is right, if you can distract yourself in the few hours/minutes leading up to the presentation you will give your brain less chance to do serious damage to your confidence. I used to sit in University presentations going over and over in my head how rubbish I was, how I couldn't do it, how my speech was useless and thinking how much better everyone else was (when in reality it wasn't true that everyone else in the class was better than me based on the grades we received for the presentations). I never even gave myself a chance to just do the speech, not even do it well and successfully, just to do it in the first place and at least have a go at it. By the time I would stand up to talk everything would be a huge blur and I'd be panicking so much that the speech would just come out, mostly all wrong, and those few minutes would turn into some of the most painful experiences of my life. A few weeks ago my brother got married. I refused point blank to be a bridesmaid but they still wanted me to be a part of the wedding so asked instead if I would write a poem to be read out in Church as part of the service. Initially I was fine with the idea as it was just assumed that someone else would read it out. The more time passed and I didn't come up with anything to write the less likely it looked that anyone would be able to do the poem but myself. When I did eventually write something just after Christmas it turned into less of a poem and more of a little speech with a poem tagged on the end. Because of the speech and the fact that it was obviously coming from me, it was my own opinions/humour, I really had to read it out loud myself in order for it to work. Total nightmare. Not only am I Aspergers but I'm also not exactly at my ideal weight, far, far from it in fact so I have no self confidence because I'm shy and don't like being around strangers and no self esteem because I'm overweight and think I look like a freakazoid...PLUS I would have to be standing up in front of people dressed in posh clothes and not my normal jeans/cardigan combination. I kept telling myself I couldn't do it but ultimately deep down inside the disappointment and hurt it would cause others if I pulled out of doing this the day before the wedding/week before was too much for me to deal with so I had to go through a kind of acceptance thing. It turned out to be the key to me being able to get through the speech. Because I was somewhat forced to accept the fact that I had to do this speech whether I liked it or not the pressure about whether I could do the speech or not was removed. It didn't matter whether I thought I could do it or not, I had to do it, simple. So I moved onto worrying about whether I would be able to do the speech well or not, whether I would rush it or I would get too shaky to speak. Sometimes when I speak or get really nervous I can get an eye twitch and I was petrified about this happening on the day. I tried to think about other people making speeches and how they just seemed to be so confident and able to do it...why couldn't I be the same? I tried to think about what was different, what made them different to me? The answer is they believed they could do it, or perhaps didn't even question this part of giving a speech in the first place. I had to believe I could do it, I had to let my personality out and give myself enough of a break that I could have a decent stab at getting through the speech. I tried not to think about the speech too much in the run up to the wedding, fortunately because of the wedding and other things going on in my life at that time the speech was put on the back burner anyway I didn't really have to make a conscious effort to not think about it. In the days before the wedding and the night before I really started to panic but again just tried to distract myself, think about other things and I also tried not to read the speech too much. I let myself read the speech once a day, that's all, I knew what was in it, I wrote it!! I knew I didn't have to memorise it or anything like that and I know I can read words from a page so I didn't want to ram the speech down my throat too much. I found in the past that re-reading something over and over again only served to bring to the forefront in my head all those fears and negative feelings that I associate with giving a speech. The morning of the wedding I was petrified. I was scared about the speech, scared about wearing a dress and what people would think I looked like, scared about socialising and being able to be positive throughout the day. I didn't look at my speech once, I concentrated on getting ready and thinking about other things. I also did something else that while might not seem appropriate, really helped. It's not medication, but it's not far off. I had a couple of Vodkas. I know, not exactly ideal coping mechanisms but the drink took the edge off my panic and stress and allowed my body to relax just enough that I didn't have a panic attack and total meltdown. I got to the church in plenty of time due to my the fact that my ex-boyfriend (we were still together at the time) was acting as Usher. Still I didn't look at my speech, I put it down on my chair and distracted myself trying to make small talk with a few of the guests and looking out for other guests arriving. I sat down as late as possible, just as the bride was coming into the venue so I couldn't sit there and fret forever. It also helped that other people did little readings from the bible before me and I allowed myself to recognise the fact that they too were nervous and worried. For once I didn't give my brain chance to convince me that they were totally confident and able...I think it helped that I knew those who were speaking, they are close family members and I know their mannerisms so could tell they were nervous too. It also helped that the vicar called me up at the wrong moment and so I wasn't prepared. I was supposed to do my speech after the second hymn but she called me up just before it....Arrragghhh....I didn't have time to panic though and I couldn't get away with turning around and questioning everything, it was the middle of a marriage ceremony!! I felt the speech went ok, I felt like I rushed it a little bit and that I wasn't as expressive as I'd have liked. But I did show some expressions and I did try to sell the jokes how they should've been expressed. I changed tone and pitch a couple of times and people actually laughed! I stopped and took deep breaths when I needed to and allowed myself to regain composure if I felt I was getting panicky, I didn't beat myself up either for needing to stop. I accepted that this might happen and worked around it. Essentially I took control of my brain and in the past I've always escaped doing this by fobbing myself off and saying 'I can't control how I think'. I can control how I think, I can make a conscious effort to recognise when I'm thinking inappropriately and make an effort to think positively. I spent the rest of the day fending people off trying to give me compliments Talking in public is one thing, accepting compliments from people I'm not quite ready to deal with just yet!!! Don't know if this will help, I know I haven't given any concrete advice and instead just rambled on about some stupid wedding speech, but sometimes reading other people's experiences and knowing that someone else has been in similar situations can help with the whole 'why me, why can't I do it and everyone else can?' thing. You're not alone, you're not abnormal to fear speaking in public....it is quite normal and actually quite expected. If you can accept the fact that you are going to give the speech and try to remember that everyone else will be nervous as well and that they're not expecting you not to be nervous then these are the first few little progress steps you can take towards turning making a speech into a positive experience. Good luck and think positively!!! Emily xxx

I'm 24 and I still make random noises when I get stressed/anxious or very happy. They're not animal noises (though I did use to growl when I was younger) but they are quite random and change all the time. At the moment when I'm happy I make a kind of 'eeeeeeeeeee' noise and if I'm doing something everything action is accompanied by my random noise soundtrack Alot of the noises I make are like words but they don't actually exist, it's quite babyish in a way but it just kinda comes out and most of the time I'm not even aware I'm doing it. When I get stressed/anxious I can start making an 'oooohhh' sound or repeatedly start saying 'uh-oh, uh-oh' or if I'm really, really bad then it's 'oh dear, whoopsies' which makes it interesting in front of strangers. I can still make a kind of grrrrr noise when I can't do something or someone is doing something to annoy me, again it just comes out. Depending on the situation the noises can be ok or it can be pretty embarrassing but I think those around me kind of see them as a blessing, even if they can be really annoying at times because I know my mum at least uses them to figure out how I'm feeling because if the barriers come down and I can't vocalise what's going on inside she can rely on the noises to at least figure out if I'm happy or sad. On occassion she has also noticed me getting stressed before I even realised myself because she would notice me walking around the supermarket or somewhere making these grrrr noises. Life has somewhat picked up and become a lot more positive for me in the past couple of weeks and my mum said that she's been able to know just how happy I am based on the fact that I walk around going 'hmmm hmmm hmm hmmm' in a kind of sing-song manner So while I know the noises can be fairly weird at times and difficult to explain to others, I would try to see them as tools of information if you can because if you start to really tune into them and notice when and where the different noises occur you can begin to build up a picture of happy/sad noises and this will help you further understand your kids in future. Emily xxx

Thanks Mumble, I like being able to help if I can, even if I do just sit down, start typing and switch off I'm always amazed to read what I've written and find it makes sense! I did just write this post already, along with a ramble about sometimes just wanting my me-isms to be understood and accepted like NT people accept the fact that it is ok for women to pretend to go to the toilets in pairs just so they can gossip or for blokes to never do Christmas shopping before December 24th or how it is not at all weird for blokes to sit in the garden shed listening to the radio. Yet I ask them to understand how I like all the different portions of food on my plate to be kept seperate and how I see nothing wrong with listening to the same set of songs over and over and over again and all of a sudden this kind of behaviour is odd. Hmmm. I can't remember half of what I had already written, I pressed the wrong button I think and IE closed...whoops. Probably for the best though, I tend to ramble Though for some reason today I can't think of the differences between NTs and Aspies without thinking of those silly Mac vs PC adverts that Mitchell and Webb have done for Apple Anyhoo, I understand is what I was trying to say, that sometimes it would be nice to just be 'gotten' without having to explain all the little things. (And have them appear to be little and insignificant by attempting to explain them at length and individually...how much can you really say about wanting to keep food portions seperate???) Often in difficult situations where people offer to help it's not that we want them to do any one thing in particular, it's not like we are physically disabled and the help and support we need is help in moving around, sometimes there is nothing that the other person can do but just understand us, know what we're going through and be able to imagine a little bit what we are thinking/how we are approaching things.....this just happens to be the biggest ask of all. Emily xxx

Hiya Katie, I would first just like to point out that even if you don't go to the World Scout Jamboree and even if you continue in life without getting an official diagnosis, the very fact that you are recognising the ways in which being AS can affect you, and asking for help and advice about it on a forum, is a HUGE step and you should give yourself a massive thumbs up It might seem a silly thing to say but people often overlook just how difficult it can be to take that initial leap into thinking about something and asking questions about something rather than just locking it all away inside and just 'coping'. The acknowledgement that there is something called middle ground, rather than it just being a case of black and white (either can't cope - don't go to Jamboree or must cope and not be different - miserable time at Jamboree) is one of the biggest achievements I think for us Aspies. That you're doing this at 16 and without the help/support from your mum is a pretty good indicator that you're a bit of a brainiac so try to always think of these positives if you find yourself thinking negatively about what you can and can't do As for your mum and the whole recognising AS thing. At the end of the day you're 16, if you want to get referred for an official diagnosis or for anything else you might want (AS or NON-AS related) then you are more than free to do so. It would require a rather mammouth effort of guts and determination on your part, especially as it could potentially lead to conflict at home, but if getting an offical diagnosis or even just getting some kind of help/support feels like the thing that you should be doing then I would suggest that you listen to your gut instinct and put yourself first. People can change, at some point your mum might change the way she feels about AS. Increasing her understanding and forcing her to confront the issue (through you pursuing your own diagnosis by yourself) could have a positive impact on how she sees AS and ASDs in general. It's no guarantee, it could have the opposite effect but these are the risks you have to take in life. My dad has always labelled me as 'just needing to get over herself' and as having an attitude problem. Since being forced to confront the issue through me being formally diagnosed his attitude is slowly changing. It hasn't happened overnight and it is very much a baby steps process, but bit by bit it is slowly sinking in and he's beginning to see how I see the world and see how he can help in certain situations to adapt approaches to things/the environment of the situation to lessen the negative impact it could have on me. He's also beginning to recognise that being AS isn't always about not coping in an NT environment and people having to worry about upsetting me, he seems to be also coming around to the fact that there are lots and lots of positives to being an Aspie!! Regardless, it is totally up to you, if it were me I would get the official diagnosis because the help and support you could receive in further education (if this is something you were to pursue) or in the work place is greatly increased through having an official bit of paper. Disability Living Allowance and Disabled Students Allowance would be lifesavers if you were thinking of going to university. For me the official diagnosis was also for peace of mind, I now know (well can only hope...) that I am not going mentally insane and that who I am and what makes me different is not a mental health issue. My brain is perfectly healthy, aside from some self-esteem/confidence issues, it's just wired differently is all. You could get in touch with the NAS if you think that you would need guidance or get help from your local AS/ASD support group if there is such a thing near you. I am also here if you need any help/support and think another Aspie perspective could help. I'm 24 and was diagnosed around 18 months ago. As I'm sure you already know there are a few of us lurking around on here so I'm sure if I can't help/you want a sane person's advice then somebody would know something. Even if you don't go down the official diagnosis route if you want to chat about anything or ask for any advice then you can always PM me if you think this would help. Right, how to deal with the Jamboree. Well. It's going to be tough, there is no getting around that, any social situation is tough for us lot. 40-odd thousand people tends to complicate things a little but there are things you can do to reduce stress/anxiety at least so you can get as positive an experience as possible. Ear defenders/ear plugs/mp3 players are all great (who cares if you stick out wearing ear defenders?!?!) Surely stood around with some headphones on your bonce is much better than shouting/crying because you are unable to deal with sensory overloading. Surely this would make you stand out more? Plus it is worth remembering that standing out for wearing some headphones is hardly a huge deal, especially when standing out in a crowd of 40 thousand people is a fairly hard thing to pull off....I'm thinking it would require removing clothes and streaking or use of an air horn to pull this off....a pair of headphones and sunglasses might not cut it So deal with sensory issues the best you can...sunglasses, headphones/ear plugs, hats, comfy clothing, plenty of water (very important for stress as you dehydrate). Planning and preperation will also help reduce stress levels. I know you said there are things you can't find out in advance but even if it means sitting down with the leader who understands AS every night and going through exactly what is going to happen the next day and flagging up any potential situations where you might find things tougher than usual , just doing something to prepare yourself will help. Try to get the need to know what is going on and how it helps to have as much warning as possible if plans change across to those in charge, having them take this into account should work better for you. When it comes to assessing situations to come and finding ways to deal with them it could help if you can make the other person as aware as possible of the things which could happen/might bother you. I know we find it difficult to imagine things we don't know and so you won't be able to describe exactly but you could think back to similar situations and to coping mechanisms that you can use (such as having a code word for if things become too much) to make them aware of what will be going on inside your head and how they can help. Little things like whenever you all gather together at the site, make sure that you are surrounded as much as possible by people that you know. Try to make sure that you sit on the end of a row or inbetween people you trust as sitting next to strangers or being in the thick of crowds could trigger anxiety. Speak up about things if something is having a negative impact on you, even if it seems like it could be dismissed as being a silly/trivial thing (as often is the case with us...even though these things are anything but silly and trivial to us) because speaking up and doing something about it or even just confiding in another is far, far better than bottling everything up and just trying to 'cope'. It is worth remembering that to cope is to be pro-active in your approach to coping, if that makes any sense whatsoever, in order to cope you have to do something. Arms crossed and uncommunicative is not doing something, it's doing nothing. It's easy to sit here and say all this I know, there are still many situations where my barriers go up and I can't seem to say what the problem is/refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem but it's something that I'm always working on and that's all I can do, that is still being pro-active because I'm trying. I'm never going to be perfect, none of us are, but as long as we try to make something positive out of something that could be negative then we should be alright. So, remember, try to deal with sensory issues if you can by playing around with/testing out coping mechanisms such as sunglasses and headphones. Try to plan and research and understand situations as far in advance as you can, even if this is sometimes only the night before that you can plan things. Take one day at a time, one situation at a time and try to focus on getting from one thing to another, taking little steps rather than keeping on trying to take a big step and cope with the experience as a whole in one go. Break it down into days and then into activities if possible and concentrate on the here and now rather than what's still to come. Again easier said than done but trying to do this is still better than not even having a go in the first place. Communicate how you are feeling to others...again, all too easy to say but the fact that we have 'communication difficulties' does not mean that we can't communicate, it just means that sometimes it can be a bit tougher for us or we can interpret language/meaning differently to NTs. I'm not expecting you to be able to pour your heart out to people, but just being able to say to someone else 'that guy in front who keeps tapping his foot is really getting on my nerves' should help. I know that going around a supermarket I will still be bothered by things and I might not be able to remove myself from the situation/doing anything about it. But being able to turn around to my mum or my boyfriend and saying to them 'this is bothering me' seems to take the weight off my shoulders a little bit and allows me to acknowledge the situation and move on. I hope you are able to go to the Jamboree and have a good time, there will be good days and bad days but that's just how things work out, it's being able to move on and work with the bad days/negative stuff that's important and remembering that nothing is ever perfect and trying to focus/remember the positives without stressing too much. I can never say it enough, understanding is key, you seem to be beginning to recognise this by asking for help in this situation. Don't stop trying, even if you go to the Jamboree and it turns into a complete shambles, never stop trying to figure yourself out and understand how being Aspergers can affect you, your world around you and those in it. Sorry for the big old ramble, I hope some of it helps, Emily xxx

I was hoping to come along to the Oxford meet-up but the date you've picked is only a week before the Newcastle meet-up and I don't think my lil'Aspie head can cope with meeting lots of strangers and travelling to new places two weekends in a row. I have my heart set on going to Newcastle because I missed out on the last one so I'll just have to come to the next meet-up if you plan another after this! It's like I've got meet-up jet lag Hope you all have a good time anyway!! Emily xxx

Ok SV, desperate times call for desperate measures....here is my 'last resort' method that I use. If you don't already (and not saying you do already and calling you an alky or anything) try having a glass of wine or something in the evening so you are more relaxed when you go to bed. I don't have wine because I loathe it but I do have a glass of baileys when I'm feeling angsty and I know I'm going to have trouble sleeping. If all else fails.....turn up the heating to sauna like conditions, drink half a bottle of Jack Daneils/Jamesons and eventually you will pass out! Foolproof! Emily xxx

I don't even know where Bromley is I'm that geographically challenged I'm presuming it's nowhere near Staffordshire though If he's done the whole group thing before he might not be as opposed to it a second time round, it's worth asking him about even if nothing comes of it. I think it's a good idea that you've printed some stuff off, including the Standard Behaviour thread. There is also a rather bizarre thread lurking around here somewhere about Crimewatch, when they appealed for a suspect and said that he could be Aspergers just from the way he looked. We Aspies had great fun ripping that one apart. I think like you said it's key to get him to understand that Aspergers, while on the same spectrum as Autism, is really quite a world apart from those who are more severly Autistic. Nobody is a retard, but the myth that because you are Autistic you must have learning difficulties is something we are constantly having to face. A lot of people assume this about me when they find out I'm Aspergers, they all of a sudden start speaking to me more slowly as if now I'm deaf and have trouble understanding language. It's good news about the CCA and the Suport Worker, hopefully something positive will come of it but still, I guess it's because I'm so used to be let down (sorry to be such a pessimist), I wouldn't hope that this will make everything better because you would think that the NAS themselves would be open to offers of volunteering from someone who is Aspergers and yet when I tried to get involved they didn't want to know and instead asked if I wanted to become a member of the local social group they ran. (Which is appalling anyway, whose bright idea was it to make the kids who can be nervous about socialising and who find it difficult to make and keep friends fill out a membership form just to get the chance to have a go. Plus they are banned from being friends with the volunteers who help supervise when they are not out as the group. How ridiculous) Anyway, getting off track slightly, hopefully you will get someone who is truly understanding and not just in the job by mistake. Like I said I'm here, even though I can't be there (as I don't know where there is and it's probably quite a way away), it's not just an empty offer either if I can help your son get his head around it all in any way I will do. It's not that long since I was diagnosed and I've been thinking, each month for the past year and a bit, that I'm getting to grips with it now, I'm understanding it now and then I go and learn something else, figure something else out and I think how could I possibly of thought I was beginning to understand myself and others before? It's a non-stop process and there is always more to learn I guess so if I can help anyone else play catch-up I will do. I understand completely what you said about his education. I too was expelled and suspended more times than I remember and if I wasn't suspended I was constantly on report. It seems as though even though he knows he's Aspergers he is still approaching life/trying to cope similar to someone who is undiagnosed and I think this is where he's having trouble. It's the whole 'I don't want to do it so why should I' problem again and I had exactly the same arguments with my parents. I hate German, I don't want to live in Germany, if a German person starts talking to me over here in England then he should speak English because it's the language of the country blah blah blah I mean you have to give us our dues, our arguments are always logical if not applicable and accepting that sometimes you 'just have to' is something I'm beginning to think I'll never get a handle of. College would be pointless if he didn't choose the right thing to study and went just because it was the right thing to do, he would run into the same old problems, but if has a think and comes up with something and is willing to dedicate himself to it then that is at least a starting point. Getting him into the right college is the major stumbling block and in terms of time keeping and doing coursework he should get student support in that area and be eligable for Disabled Students Allowance for things like a dictaphone/a pen that you scan over words in a book and it saves them, then you upload them onto your computer and you can read them/quote them that way. I wish I had discovered this device before I left university as it would have saved me stressing so much about taking out/returning library books and having to spend lots of time in there when it came to the popular books that you couldn't take home. His students and tutor would have to be AS-aware and you would probably have to go in, in the first place to make sure that all this (plus the support) was going to be available. It probably wouldn't be easy but it could be something to do for now if he doesn't want to work just yet. Alternatively he gets a job but it needs to be the same thought process, you could see if Prospects runs in your area or go to the Job Centre and see the disability advisor. He could at least get a AS-friendly employer then. But yeah ultimately before you even consider either option he has got to accept who he is and turn it into a positive as soon as possible. Tell him from me, it's not all that bad, yeah it's tough sometimes and we face challenges and situations that the majority of people don't face and it can be difficult if we don't understand ourselves, others and the world around us but the more you learn the more it begins to make sense and you can finally begin to find your place in life. I'm getting comfortable in mine now for the first time in 24 years, I finally feel like I fit somewhere and that's possible for him too Emily xxx Oh and the fashion thing, it probably won't work for a boy, but I've found that by getting interested in fashion and watching these reality programmes where they find the next model/stylist/sandwich fetcher that I've found it easier not to stick out so badly. I'm not saying I'm a fashion victim now and a lot of the new styles/trends that come out I'm totally not into, but I am able to pick little bits and bobs from the different things that are about, adapt it to me and have it be something I want to wear while also fitting in nicely and not looking like my nan dresses me. I hope anyway I probably still look like some whackjob but you wait and see, when he finds a girl he likes he might start to suddenly take an interest/understand it more