Surrey

Last year my son was in the same predicament. He was totally stressed out and the school called me in and said they thought he was too upset to take SATS and would be willing to take him out if I wanted. However, one Teaching Assistant pulled me aside and told me that he would probably make grade 4 in science at it would be fantastic for his self esteem if he did. Well I took the chance - when it came to it, they made it as least stressful as possible for my son. When he achieved his grade 4, I knew it was worth it - you should have seen the look on his face!. It has given him the confidence to feel he can achieve. He is in year 7 at his new school, doing well and talking about going to University!!!!!! I could never have imagined this a year ago. I think I made the right decision - but of course every case is different - I feel for you and wish you all the luck in the world.

I am going to treat this article with the contemp it deserves. I've got more than enough on my plate dealing with son, without worry about rubbish like this. This article will no doubt make already depressed parents even more depressed. My marriage broke up because my ex could not cope with my son - but perhaps that was down to me as well???? LOL

from personal experience - forget mainstream and put into a special school

As hard as it is for you, I think you should try again to explain to both your parents exactly what the problem is again and how it makes you feel. Print out these threads and stuff off the internet and show them. Explain to them you need as much support as possible. Do it when things have calmed down and no one else is around, including your son. I know this may fall on deaf ears, but at the end of the day you do not need more aggrevation in your life, you need as much help and time to yourself as you can possibly get. I know you feel angry now, but its harder for older people to understand as they get set in their ways - I know my parents used to think that my son just wasnt disciplined properly - but I won them round in the end by showing them reports from his doctor's, school, etc. Believe me, it is better to get them on your side if you possibly can. If this fails, just keep them at arms length, but try not to row - YOU DONT NEED IT.

Made the decision to send my 11 year old to residential school as he had the same sort of problems in mainstream. Best decision ive ever made. He loves it. Loves having friends and people that dont judge him for his strange behaviour. I cannot praise the specialist staff enough. My son went through a lot of pain at mainstream school because of others lack of understanding. Now he is made to feel normal and not different.

I used to work in an after school club whilst my son attended. They positively encouraged children with SEN. They offered places at a cheaper rate and I think they got some sort of subsidy for it. Having said that, the club not afford to employ specialist staff and the whole thing was a disaster. My son could not join in readily and in the end they told me it would be better if he left! Needless to say I left the job too. My council run holiday clubs specifically for SEN children where the pupil/carer ratio is much higher. Perhaps this sort of thing would be more suitable.

Ive had both. Good and bad in both sexes. However, in my experience the women tended to 'mother' my son a bit, giving him little rewards etc. Men tended to be more matter of fact about things. As my son is getting older I think male teachers will be better as he has to learn to cope with life on his own. Just my personal experience I guess.

Reading this made me feel very sad. This is how it was for my son throughout his primary education at mainstream school. He now attends a specialist secondary school where everyone is in the same boat. Its early days, but so far it seems the best thing thats ever happened to him. He has lots of friends who take him for what he is. Sending him there was the hardest, but best decision I have ever made. He no longer wants to play with the so called 'friends' from his old school and last weekend said off his own back "they never really liked me anyway". Unfortunately is a very hard lesson to learn.

Just something I thought I ought to mention - The same thing happened to me and I had to spend a considerable amount of time explaining to the teacher what my AS son's problems were. I very stupidly assumed that when he went up a year his problems would be explained to the new teacher. Needless to say this didnt happen and for several years I had to go in and see each teacher and repeat the whole process. In the end I managed to get my son a place at a special unit and we never looked back.

Ive not heard of it. I just made sure that I'd crossed every t and dotted every i before the tribunal. Look at every alternative school and have a good reason why its not suitable. Look at the what school you have chosen has to offer and match it to your sons needs. Envisage every argument the LEA will have against it and have an argument FOR it. Make sure you have been to see any schools that LEA have suggested. Its not good to just say you dont like it. Sorry if Im stating the obvious, but not everyone knows what to do first time. x

I know im going to sound a right pain in the backside. However, Im going to be straight with you. You sound a bit like things have all got on top of you and come over as a wee bit aggressive. Believe me Ive been there and got the T shirt!!!! I found that I was letting my anger get the better of me and hence putting the back up of the school, etc, etc - even though I knew damn well I was right. My advice would be to try and stand back and see yourself as others see you. Ask the advice of friends as to how you should go foward. Write out things you want to say before you have meetings - and stick to it. Its hard to argue with the voice of reason - its easy to dismiss a 'neurotic' mother. Sorry if I sound harsh - have just learnt from experience. Good Luck x

Imagine being in the EP position. Its very difficult to tell any parent that something is wrong with their child. All of the ones I had didnt have children of their own and could never have felt what i did. Its a job to them, which they can leave as they please. To us its a lifetime commitment. You cant expect them to feel the same. x

Gosh I must be the mother from hell!!!!! My son ASD son has always been an incredibly fussy eater. Unfortunatly/fortunatly for him I've got a willpower stronger than his. After what seems like an eternity, he will now eat a reasonably heathly diet. I just point blank refused to give in. He knows that rubbish food is not an option. I am convinced that most of the craving for fad foods comes from having school lunches. Therefore my son had a healthy packed lunch instead. I know I sound holier than thou, but believe me persistence works!!

I went through the process last year. The borough had no suitable special schools and my local schools just didnt want to know. Several told me I was out of the catchement area and would therefore turn me down. My nearerst school told me that they didnt want special needs children watering down their results!!!! Mad as I was, this did me a great big favour. I used this argument to get a fantastic specialist school out of the borough. He is doing just great. I would recommend that anyone should try for a school that is most suitable for their child, even if it is out of borough or a journey away.

Its everyones personal decision - but I feel that you cant learn how to cope with a difficulty if you dont know you have one!!! My son is the same age and has just started secondary school. He knows he is different and I have told him exactly what is wrong with him so he knows why other people find him 'strange'. He is being taught to accept his problems and find ways around any difficulties that he experiences. I also felt that if other people didnt know they would expect him to behave normally, and this is impossible. Does that make sense?

I must say I dont really see the relevance of what Jamie Oliver was bought up on. Personally I think the lunches I have seen at my childrens schools are pretty awful - I wouldnt eat them myself. I prefer to give them a healthy packed lunch, with things I know they WILL eat. I think Jamie is doing a great job for those that have to eat school lunches.

Hi Bev. Karen here. Was interested in your comments. Luckily I was warned not to take parental responsibility. I was advised to take everything you can get with regard to transport - then it is up to you if you decide to take him or not. Luckily I heeded this advice and have got a taxi there and back for my son every friday and sunday. Naturally I want to take him myself, but at least the transport is in place should I wish to use it. I have emailed you re our holiday in cornwall! Karen

I took my son out of mainstream aged 8 as he was dreadfully unhappy, self harming and achieving nothing. He has had two years at a special school and has been so much happier. He is very bright, and I made the mistake of thinking he would be able to achieve at least average results when he changed schools. Now I realise that the pace has to be much slower and the curriculum has to be pared down for the children to fully understand. He has just completed year 6 and achieved levels 3/4 in his SATS. I think this is a great achievement and have nothing but praise for his specialist teachers.

LOL No - This will be my last posting on the subject!!!!! Was very interesting to hear what you said. I dont think we are alone by a long shot, though. As you so rightly say, its the kids that lose out and thats heartbreaking. I hate having to tell my kids that Dad isnt turning up YET AGAIN. But like you say Witsend, we know that we are doing the best that WE can and therefore will not have the guilt that they must surely feel (or do they!). Try not to let your situation get to you - love Surrey

Hi Witsend - Youre not being nosey at all. Your reply made me laugh too. Seems to be a story I have heard before!!!! We split 5 years ago and the ex has been very hit and miss about seeing the kids. At one point (when a new girlfriend came on the scene) he didnt see them for two years. Last week I went to court and the judge said he could see them once every three weeks. However if he doesnt turn up access will be stopped. Its all very sad as I think the kids desperately need their father. However, in hindsight I now think my ex is on the autistic spectrum himself and probably cant organise his own life. As my son is at a special school, I have met quite a few mothers in the same boat. We are convinced that the problem is genetic. How about you? Surrey

Witsend, that playing out thing is a whole new subject!!!! I hardly let my son out as it worries me to death. Luckily the pull of the playstation is so strong at the moment that hes not too bothered. However, Ive noticed more and more that he looks out the front door, and is watching what the local kids are doing. I dont think it's realistic to hope that we will be able to keep them in at 14 and 15 to keep an eye on them!!!!! I would be interested to know how your husband feels on this matter? Its funny that its almost all women on this site. Personally my ex didnt and still doesnt want to know - probably the main factor for us splitting up. And guess who is left to have to make all those agonising decisions on her own?

Im def looking forward to it. Hoping that secondary school will help my son to grow up a bit and take responsibility for his actions. Feel he has been slightly molly coddled at primary because of his problems. Seems to use them as an excuse now for not doing anything much at all! LOL! Does anyone else's child use the 'Ive got problems and I cant help it' excuse?

Snap - what I found the most irritating was the snotty looks and whispers from receptionist/admin staff - I had clearly been subject to staff room slaughter after I complained - at least the teachers had the good grace to be nice to my face, if not behind my back! LOL

Hi Witsend - Surrey here - I dont envy you right now - its a horrible decision to make! I presume your local authority will provide transport if you choose the rural school. My sons school is about 15 miles away and he can have a taxi there and back (although I have opted to do it myself, as it will only be once a week). Have you considered if your son will have local friends if he goes to the rural school? As he gets older he will want to go out. Will he be able to travel on his own to meet friends that may live a long way away? If he goes to the rural school, will he miss out on the socialising that takes place walking to and from school (the best part of my daughter's day!!)? I'm not giving you an opinion - just telling you about the things that I took into consideration when making my decision. It may be some consolation to tell you that I changed my mind a thousand times but in the end you just get a feel for what is right.

Thanks Witsend. I too have the bossy thing - autistic children always want games played THEIR way, and they dont understand social rules - another reason I was against maintstream!!!! l'll keep everyone posted about his progress and I will look out for further posts from yourself. Good Luck Surrey