Feel let down by so called friend

[mum22boys]

Since M was born (6 years ago) I have been friendly with a group of women who all had their babies at the same time. There are four of us now who keep in contact.

M has grown up with their kids and all but one girl he has never spoken to the other two kids. All the mums know M is waiting to be assessed and know he has problems with social and communication skills. I have always invited the other kids round and to his parties even though m has not wanted them to and he doesn't speak to them.

Today it became obvious that one girl had her party yesterday and M was not invited. Yes I know parties are stressful and it is hard work taking him but he has such trouble making friends that I thought I could rely on these mums to keep him in touch with their kids.

 

I suppose I feel very let down. I also feel for him because he doesn't get many invites and loves it when he does get them even though it is stressful for him.

 

I see this mum most days and just feel like M was not invited because he doesn't talk to the others or mix with them. I guess the little girl may have said she didn't want M there but if M ever said he didn't want them I said he had to.

 

It sounds so silly I know but I am upset by it. I think she just thought I wouldn't find out.

 

I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg with so called friends. Perhaps I will just have to get used to it.

 

mum22boys

[PinkSapphireAngel]

I have been through this lots of times too and its horrible.

I think as you say even f their dd said she did not want him there or only wanted girls etc as a parent who has been made aware of your son's difficulties they should have invited him anyway and explained to their dd a bit more.

 

I hope you are both ok, big hugs to you both

[madme]

I feel for you. Its awful and weve had it happen so many times to both kids. Theres not a lot that you can do. In the end I just went elsewhere and found parents who have children with difficulties - a lot less stressful. My sons old child minder who I thought of as a friend had a party invited lots of the boys in his class and when we went around after school to drop off a pressie blissfully aware that it was taking place turned the lights off and made the children hush up to pretend it would seem that noone was in. My son was bewildered but bless him he was still nice the next day to his childminder. I cried for days! These sort of people are not friends just passing aquaintances. Take care.

[barefoot wend]

It happened to me too. It is painful.

[CarolJ]

Unfortunately its just the way things are, my son was not invited. I dont think people realise how much it hurts . I lost contact with virtually all of my former friends. But you will find others along the way ones with whom you will have shared interests with. Try attending a parent support group for ASDs in local area thats a great way to start networking other mums.

 

Good luck, chin up n hugs

[DaisyProudfoot]

It is heartbreaking and I do feel for you having been there myself on a few occasions. <'> <'>

 

There is a bright side though Because our kids only usually end up having a couple of close friends rather than a dearth of aquaintances there are less people to invite to their own party and you can go to better places!

 

Martin doesn't seem over bothered when he doesn't get invited to parties he just says: "Why should they, were not friends." ...... so there you go

 

The answer of course is not to invite the kid to the next one you're having and when the mum asks why you can blissfully say: "Oh sorry, I thought the children weren't friends any more."

 

However you do also have to be aware that this was a girl and there comes a time when girlies don't want boys at their parties.

[smiley]

<'> Been there too - M hasn't has one party invite this year

 

Part of it is ignorance, but also, some friends have said they know parties are hard for M, so didn't invite him. They thought they were doing the right thing...........

 

<'>

[Suze]

I,ve been there, my boy is 11 now and I don,t see the so called friends from his toddler pre-school days anymore, I,ve left them and their perfect kids behind, and the truth is I don,t miss them at all. It,s easy for me to say I know , cos I bet your hurting at the moment , but a real friend would have talked to you about this.Asked if your son felt able to come , given him a party bag if he did,nt feel able to cope with the party.Or at least explained it was a proper girlie /princess type party and he would,nt have enjoyed it.Anything but let you find out like this.The one consolation is perhaps your son has,nt missed out on anything at all , my son hates parties.Take care Suzex

[forbsay]

Yeh, like the others i have been there too . It is very painful and hurtful. Yeh, i would try and see if you can join a parent support group.

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

x

[Stephanie]

Yeah I have had this too.

 

I know that one of the boys in A's class had a party over the holidays - A never got an invite and it seems like most of the other kids went.

 

It could be that we just never got the invite ... that they forgot about us etc ... in which case his mum probably thinks I am ignorant for not telling her we weren't going. .... of course they are the excuses I am making up for his lack of invitation.....

 

I take it quite personally, my son isn't any type of trouble to them .. they just hear the label and fear the worst that Autism means he is going to be punching all the other kids and causing mayhem - idiots. He is only five and loves parties, and I like him going to socialise.

 

I am now ignoring this woman ... and going with my usual saying about the people who mind don't matter. She is one of the PTA and I can't wait until she asks me another favour. She has boys herself, one is a total little S and behaves much worse than mine and he is NT.

 

Maybe we over react because we think/know our kids are singled out??? We just want everyone else to love and understand them the way we do at the end of the day.

[mossgrove]

Many oarents of Autistic children find it is easier to be around other parents of children with special needs. Dealing with people who don't/won't understand becomes too much trouble.

 

Simon

Edited September 12, 2006 by mossgrove

[bid]

I have been in this situation with my son too, so <'> <'> <'> to you all, but also have to say that all of my NT kids have sometimes been 'left out'...

 

Maybe we can be a bit more sensitive when it's our AS kids...because to be honest it never bothers me when it's happened to the others. I just think that either they've been forgotten, limited numbers, temporary falling-out with the birthday boy or girl, etc, etc...there are actually lots of perfectly 'genuine' reasons for not being asked. I certainly know that I've forgotten to ask kids we 'owe' an invitation...nothing sinister, just too much in my poor head!

 

Bid

Edited September 12, 2006 by bid

[hev]

i can count on one hand how many invites steve has had over 13 years,i could have cried when all the other kids came out with their little white envelopes with their invites in and steve was empty handed steve never commented at all,i would also be upset as it was a friend of yours but put your strong head on and let her get on with it,people like that not worth our upset,must say it does get easier as they get older,more parties in primary,as they get older the parties tend to fizzle out and as someone said less kids for us to invite to our kids parties,i never really did parties though,used to take steve and one friend on a special day out.

 

dont be upset <'> <'> we all know how it feels and it hurts like hell,take care love hev

[UltraMum]

Goes with the territory unfortunately - J has dropped from 6 invites in reception (and three were all the class anyway ) to 2 last year and ... just realised that one of the two in early Sept has just passed with no invite so we may be down to 1 this year.

[Bagpuss]

Could there possibly be any reason why M wasn't invited.....was it a girls only party, or did the numbers have to be kept small etc? I've been in similar situations with all of my children, one ASD, one AS and one NT. It hurts, and its a difficult thing to bring up/discuss with the parent without sounding juvenile. I do think though that a good friend would of taken the time to give you an explanation at least and its quite thoughtless of her to assume you would understand. <'>

[mum22boys]

Thanks for the replies.

 

No the party wasn't a girls only one. The strange thing was my youngest had his party two weeks ago at the same place this girl was going to have hers, it's a soft play centre. Anyway this particular 'friend' of mine had brought her youngest son to my sons party. At the party she mentioned to another friend (i overheard) that she had booked her daughters party there for the following week. I wasn't in on conversation but was standing next to her, she then asked me how many children you could have there!

 

I assumed M's invitation would follow. To me there was no reason he wasn't invited. I think she just hoped I hadn't heard her say the party was there and hoped I would forget it was her daughters birthday. Didn't give her a chance to think that though when i gave her a present!!!!

[purplegail]

Please try not to take this to heart.

I have 3 children (middle one, Laura, is ASD) and have had this problem with all of them at some time. Kids who have been invited to parties by mine have not returned the favour! Maybe the Mum has let her daughter choose who she wants at her party and really not thought about the fact that you would feel hurt. As friends we always choose who our children spend time with so maybe she just wanted it to be her daughters choice for her special day and kids change their favorite friends regularly!

Don't lose a friend over it - we need them.

[elaine1]

eventually we have to accept that our kids are not going to get invited. Im sure you had the best intention when u said your son had to invite these children, but remember they are your freinds not his. You cannot make him like these ppl and vice versa.

 

Its sad but true.