i cant control him

[hev]

me and steven both really lost it last night,ive got5 a massive bruise on my arm where he punched me,i threw deodrant can at him,thank god it missed,minute i threw it i regretted it,i dont know what to do,its not right i know fighting with my son.

 

he intimidates me now,havent told anyone else about the bruise,has anyone been in this situation and things have got better?i dont know how to make it better

[brooke]

Hi Hev

<'> Im really sorry for you. I do understand. I think your lad is older than mine hes 6 but the other day he was getting worked up (as usual!) and decided to throw his shoe at me. It really hurt and i had to really force my mind to think DONT THROW IT BACK and it was so hard especially as he was saying HAHA at the time so i toally know how you feel. I find myself shouting a lot too. I just find it so hard to stop myself getting cross the only thing i can do is to try and get into my head "he cant help it he doesnt mean it" but its very hard when they lash out. I always feel better by walking away it tends to difuse the situation if i can get in another room to think rationally!

Brooke

[oxgirl]

me and steven both really lost it last night,ive got5 a massive bruise on my arm where he punched me,i threw deodrant can at him,thank god it missed,minute i threw it i regretted it,i dont know what to do,its not right i know fighting with my son.

 

he intimidates me now,havent told anyone else about the bruise,has anyone been in this situation and things have got better?i dont know how to make it better

 

 

So sorry you and your son had a rotten night. <'> <'> Were you both able to make it up later? How about, in a day or so, when you are both calm, sitting him down and agreeing some ground rules with him. You could both suggest things and write them all down on a big piece of paper and stick them up somewhere, like, 'saying something nice to each other', or 'not hurting each other' or whatever you both agree. If you both stick to it for a week maybe treat yourselves to something you'd both enjoy together??

Sorry, know it sounds obvious and probably crass.

Hope things improve between you soon. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

<'> Hev <'>

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Don't beat yourself up about losing control - you're only human! It's sure as heck no easy when you're being bombarded with abuse and items hurtling towards you!

 

My son is nearly 5 and he's aggressive, rude, shouts abuse, injures himself and is destructive. Have to confess, I wonder what lies ahead (maybe it's best I don't know!). There's no easy way other than to try and be as calm as possible. I find that by giving my son a warning ie telling him I won't speak to him until he's calm and then completely ignoring him helps or the resulting tantrum is over with within a shorter space of time than if I retaliate.

 

Best wishes.

 

C.

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'>

[Kathryn]

hi hev,

 

Sorry no advice, just <'> <'> .

 

K x

[Cat]

No violence not ever it's simply not acceptable and he has to understand that. Have you explored ways of his venting his aggression? He has to find something that works for him and there has to be a point where even if he does not know that that time has come you do - and you tell him. No magic wand I am afraid just a sheer determination that violence is unacceptable always.

 

This may shock but what about a beat -em - up game. It can get rid of the aggression as can loud music. I say beat-em-up because I wont allow shot em downs. Maybe not be a huge difference but it is to me.

 

Easier said than done I know but I think I would knock up some ground rules and display them and then stick to em like glue. You both need to identify the trigger points. I have snapped before and then felt dreadful but we are all only human and we are certainly not here to be used as a punch bag.

 

Cat

Edited November 28, 2006 by Cat

[Bullet]

<'> <'> Hev <'> <'>

[Platefull of Love]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> .

[butterfingersbimbo]

oh no......thankfully el hasnt hurt me properly for a few months but know the feeling well, and its awful. in the end i had to restrain her until she was calm enough to let go as she has given me big bruises etc.....in the end el had to go on risperdal.......that's what made a difference to her violence, it wasnt down to anything i did as a parent......

 

hang on in there and remember you are doing a very hard job under very difficult circumstances <'>

[curra]

Oh hev <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

You're not a bad parent !!, my son was the same and he improved only with medication, not by changing my parenting. If our kids can control their anger better (meds help for that) then our parenting strategies can work. During a meltdown it's hard to stay calm or in control, but it's the best we can do. It's easier said than done, and we are only human. My advice is that if things get too bad ask your GP for a referral to the pediatrician or CAHMS to see whether medication could help.

 

CurraXX

[loulou]

Hi Hev,

 

Hope you're both ok now <'> . I don't really have any advice, except to TRY to walk away. I've hit back at Kai a few times too and it makes me feel awful and i know i shouldn't do it. Sometimes though it's hard not to react. Now i HAVE to walk away due to being pregnant. I just let him get on with it.

 

Kai has attacked my poor old Dad tonight for coming round for dinner (it's his birthday) because it's not the "usual routine". Nice present for my Dad . I've sent him home with some beer as a consolation prize!

 

Sending some <'> because i know you how you must be feeling.

 

Loulou xx

[mel_jayne]

Hi Hev, <'> <'>

 

Your only human.I lost it once,i punched the wall ,had to go to hospital fractured hand .When i told the nurse what i had done she gave me a funny look i just said it was the wall or my son,don't think she was inpressed.

You just get passed it.Life is a constent battle and you get ground down.You are not there punch bag.I know how you feel and the guilt make's you feel worse.

I know it's hard but the best thing you can do is walk away.I am alwys sporting bruises.

 

In the end we had to put him on meds(risperdal),it wasn't easy but they did help.Have you though about putting him on meds?

 

MEL

[elun1]

Hev <'> <'>

We all reach that point at times. You are a good mum

<'> <'>

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

 

Hev my son is almost 13 and is bigger than me he will get right up into my face when the mood takes and it takes all my strenth to not let on that at times im scared of him.

 

 

A few months ago i realised just how strong he was when he had a meltdown and went for me.One second he was screaming and the next he had me in a head lock and was raining punches into my ribs............it ###### hurt and i was so so shocked.

 

I realised then that i wouldnt stand a cat in hells chance if he turned on me.

 

I told him of sternly and he sat and cried ........he realised what hed done but couldnt explaine why......i gave him a hug and said i loved him but he must not hurt mum againe.

 

 

Not the same i know but we went through a hellish time with our NT daughter she was very volitile and physically violent towards me and her dad as she hit her teenage years i also used to get into fights with her shed literaly knock me to the floor and kick me.........I thought it would never pass but shes now a reformed charector...teenagers can be hard blasted work no matter wheteher there NT or aspie.

 

Any one who thinks it will never happen in my house not my daughter/son i used to think that also.Parenting teenagers is ###### hard work.

 

Hev take care youre a brill mum.

[phoebe]

I keep reading your post and the repsonses and wondering how to reply

<'> <'>

 

I really feel for you and have been there and certainly lost it with my son, in fact his temper and the violence that goes with it are the main reasons we started to seek help because I know that as he gets stronger, I will not stand a chance if he loses it with me. The difference is, he is still only 8, so we havent got to the teenage/hormone years yet, I can easily see that I could be exactly in your shoes in a few years time.

 

We all know that losing it doesn't help the situation and that it would be the last thing that we would wish to do, but it happens, we are human. BTDT!

 

I have said before that everything that we do behaviour management wise is to try to prevent him getting to a stage of meltdown, but we also try to help him to manage his feelings of anger, when it does get there. I dont know how capable your DS is, but have you tried doing any anger management with him? Could you speak to your GP or SS about his anger and describe what can happen and ask if there is anything that they can suggest or offer. It is a common problem sadly and some areas run courses for teenagers who have anger management problems. There is an excellent book called "volcano inmy tummy" that we have used, but it is aimed at children a bit younger than your lad. Behaviour Support recommended it to us,maybe they will be able to come up with some helpful interventions. The old thing about it being ok to get angry but never ok to hurt someone message needs to be emphasised again and again, but we also need to give them some way to recognise the way they are feeling, to try to manage themselves and prevent them, getting out of control and a safe way to handle the anger if it gets to that stage. (trampoline, punch bag, run, loud music), something to burn off that burst of energy that comes with the anger.

 

Hopefully, you have found something within all the replies you have to work with and things begin to look up 4 u.

 

Look after you

Love and hugs Phoebe

[jlp]

Hi Hev

<'> Im really sorry for you. I do understand. I think your lad is older than mine hes 6 but the other day he was getting worked up (as usual!) and decided to throw his shoe at me. It really hurt and i had to really force my mind to think DONT THROW IT BACK and it was so hard especially as he was saying HAHA at the time so i toally know how you feel. I find myself shouting a lot too. I just find it so hard to stop myself getting cross the only thing i can do is to try and get into my head "he cant help it he doesnt mean it" but its very hard when they lash out. I always feel better by walking away it tends to difuse the situation if i can get in another room to think rationally!

Brooke

 

Brooke - it's not funny but you've made me smile, thinking 'don't throw it back' sounds so much like me at our house.

You learn self restraint you never knew you had don't you!

[fiorelli]

Hi hun, Just seen this post. Don't know what to say, other than you are not alone <'>

 

All I am doing at the moment is trying to ride out the bad times, as I know the good times do come eventually, even if they are few and far between.

 

Take care, Much love,

 

xJx

[Just Jo]

My heart goes out to you, i have this with my son, i have had to call the police so many times, the first time they arrested and charged him with ABH, this broke my heart, he didnt understand why i rang them. This is now a weekly thing with my son.

 

Last night the my little 10 year old daughter called the police because he was so so so angry, he ran towards me and went to hit me, i too lost it and grabbed his jumper, i know this was wrong of me,but i lost it. The police came and said what they always say, he needs help and support... can i get any No.

 

Please someone tell me how to deal with this anger..

 

 

Does medication really help

[hev]

justjo

 

i was thinking today that it wont be long before i have to call the police,it will break my heart but i cant have him hurting me,ive been wearing long sleeved jumpers cos of the bruise on my arm,good job its winter,i cant say to people my son done it to me,i told a close friend of mine today about it and she said oh i wouldnt put up with that i would hit him back but if i do that where would it all end,me rolling around fighting with my son thats where,im no saint i have hit him back before and felt so ill after,dont seem possible that me and steve have got to this,hes my little man deep down but i dont know how to change things for the better,medication dont work for steve at all,tried most of em,woman at my support group today said she dont know how people give there kids tablets,all i can say is her child is 4 and god forbid shes in my position one day she would gladly give medication if it meant her child coped better and it helped him,she also didnt agree with anti depressants for parents i will no doubt see her at the chemist in a few years picking up her prescription

 

actually we have had a good night tonight,he offered me some chocolate and made me a coffee,it meant a lot to me so maybe things are on the up eh?!

[Just Jo]

My son walked in from school and said "whats the matter mum" they have no understanding of how you feel,its part of the condition...

 

My son has gone from throwing things, smashing things, kicking my car and breaking anything in site, now he hits himself in the head so hard when he gets angry...... I got so desperate, calling the police was one of the hardest things i done, they had to strap him up and took him off in a police car.....It ripped me apart and must have been horrific for my son.

 

He now hits himself really hard in the head, which is so so sad as i cant comfort him.

 

They just need support on how to cope with how they are feeling. I just cant seem to find the help

 

If you need to chat i will give ya my number

 

X