2007 - Not What I'd Had Planned

[Tally]

2006 has been a pretty bad year, and 2007 isn't looking very promising either.

 

You don't have to read this. It's quite depressing.

 

At the beginning of the year my husband's drinking got out of control and he was drawing massively on his credit card to buy drink. He couldn't see any reason to stop, so I left him. Eventually, he promised to try to cut down, and we agreed to give it one last go. Sadly, although he claims to have kept his promise to try, he has not been able to reduce his drinking to a reasonable level of 2-3 nights a week like we agreed.

 

We were gradually paying off his credit card debt; we have finally paid off the amount he withdrew earlier in the year and are back where we were this time last year. Every time I had any extra money I paid off a bit more (wish I'd bought shoes now). Then last week he rung me from his friend's house to ask me if I wanted to come to Barcelona with him and 2 of his friends for his friend's 30th birthday. I don't really fancy a drunken weekend with the lads anyway, so I wasn't upset to tell him we didn't have enough money in our joint account for any kind of holiday, and I certainly didn't have that kind of money in my personal account either. A couple of hours later they all came to our house to tell me about the hotel they were staying in with a swimming pool and sauna, etc . . . yes, he is going without me. When I asked how he could afford it he said, "I've got loads of money." Well lucky him. He's going to need it.

 

The past month the drinking has got really out of hand, and the spending that goes with it. He's upsetting people (not just me) with his behaviour whilst drunk. It's not just the money either, I never see him. He says that's because I work nights, but I don't start til 11, and I used to have to go to bed by 9 for 6am starts, so we actually could have a longer evening together if he ever stayed home. When I try to talk to him about it he blames so many different things and gets so upset that I end up apologising to him about his own behaviour - yes, I can see this is wrong now.

 

I went to my parents' for Christmas without him. My dad wants to punch him, and my mum's having dreams about killing him . . . it really was best to leave him at home. My parents thought he had been looking after me and supporting me, but now they realise that I have been looking after myself entirely on my own steam, and doing everything for my husband as well. While I was away I decided that divorce really is the only way now. I cannot put up with any more of this. I do not deserve to have to. Even my conservative, Catholic, grandparents believe it is the right decision. It isn't what I wanted. When I married him it was meant to be for the rest of my life, but I didn't expect him to start treating me like he is. This isn't a decision I have taken lightly, but one he has pushed me to make twice in one year.

 

When I got home after Christmas he announced he was going to try to give up the drink completely (that old "try" get-out-clause again), reduce our debt (why not clear it completely?), and that I need only work part time now (and that would help pay off our debts how? when have I ever said that having to work full time was a problem? do you really want our relationship to be based on the fact that I cannot afford to leave?).

 

It's just not enough. I don't think anything could be now. It's 4 years since I first told him I had a problem with the amount he was spending on drink, that it wasn't fair he could afford to drink so much when I couldn't afford things I needed, that it wasn't fair to keep us in debt to do so. 4 years and all he has done is "try," (or say he has). The way I used to feel about him is broken now, and cannot be repaired.

 

He is still staying in the house as he says he can't afford to move out. We're splitting the bills exactly 50-50 until he does, and even though he earns more money that I do, I am now better off than I was before, which is showing me how unfair it really was. He's cooking all his own meals, and not enjoying ready meals at all, which I don't feel bad about. I had sirloin steak for tea, by the way! He's doing all his own laundry . . . or rather, he's not. I know he has 3 clean work shirts cos I washed them myself before all this kicked off, and he still hasn't unpacked the rest since he got home from a week working in Spain 3 weeks ago. It's quite remarkable, the things he "couldn't" do when I did them for him, which he has suddenly learned to do for himself (laundry being the exception here).

 

2007 is going to be an awful year, but it has to be done otherwise the rest of my life would be awful instead, and I have to do it before I lose the strength again. 2007 has not even started, and I am already looking forward to it being over. But I have my family's support, and I am going to be OK. Most of the time I will be OK on my own. The only exceptions are nights like these when everyone else is having a party and I am at home on my own, but nights like this are rare.

 

This time next year, hopefully I will be single again.

[jlp]

I think you are doing the right thing. I don't know much about alcoholics but from little bits I seem to have gleaned along the way, they are incredibly selfish and aren't likely to get themselves sorted until they hit rock bottom (although by now I expect you are past caring).

 

I do think (having done this myself in the past) that living together after calling things a day is incredibly hard emotionally and is going to make it difficult for you to 'move on' - could you see a solicitor to see what your rights are?

 

I hope 2007 is the beginning of a new start for you and a happier future. Take Care.

[Tally]

My dad has offered to come and kick him out, but I don't want to do anything until I know exactly what I can and can't do, and what the consequences of all my options are.

 

I have an appointment already set up with a solicitor; I think that is probably the next step.

[Cat]

Try and think of 2007 as being a beginning and not an end. Not easy I know I have been there, done that and as my avatar says I am still wearing the T shirt.

 

My ex was and still is an alcoholic. I lost count of the times that he promised to get his drinking under control and never did. I lost count of the amount of times his friends 'captured' him and a few days with them was always more exciting than a few days with his family, so off he went. I like you did it all myself while he either lay somewhere sleeping it off or was being carried home and dumped on our step to sleep it off. They say that alcoholism is an illness and it was certainly killing us. While I accept that it is an illness it is also a self inflicted illness and as sad as this may sound I have very little sympathy for the person with that illness. My parents almost threw a party the day I finally moved out for good and went back home with two kids in tow. We were there a year, and as it happens it was this time of year when it all became too much for me. After a year we went back to our home because my ex had finally moved out. Alcoholics can not control their drinking they need to stop drinking all together. Nothing else will do. I went to meetings and counseling but while my hubby would not then it was all pointless.

 

That was many years ago now and I am now re-married and have another son. It was not easy but the relief once I had made the decision and then stuck to it was amazing.

 

Keep strong - you know that you already are. If ever you want to chat just pm me.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Cat

[Bagpuss]

Good luck in 2007 Tally. Think you have done the right thing making the solicitor's appt and hopefully this will clarify where you stand legally, and you can move forward. Take good care of yourself <'> <'>

[zaman]

Hi Tally

 

I feel for you. My eldest brother is an alcoholic, and I know some of what it puts you through. He has gone further and further down in the past couple of years, and has spent most of this year homeless - as basically he drinks his rent money. He is now in a YMCA shelter having been living on the streets. I have learnt the hard way not to pity him, or buy / give him anything, even food, as it just subsidises his spending on drink (AA call this tough love I believe). He was supposed to come to my house for xmas dinner, on the proviso that he was clean and sober, and presentable. He was due to start a rehab programme on the 20th - and no guesses who didn't turn up for either (how to explain to an autistic 5 year old why uncle won't be coming to dinner after all). It is heartbreaking to see the waste, as he is a really intelligent guy, but one that makes some pitiful choices.

 

I think that many drunks really mean it when they make promises like quitting, but can't resist tempation when it comes to it.

 

GOOD LUCK

[TheNeil]

I agree with Cat on this one: 2006 was the 'bad year'...2007 is where you get your life back on track. I'm sure it won't be easy but just think about next New Year's Eve when you can look back and think 'Is that how bad things really were - why did I wait so long?'

 

Apart from saying 'well done' (hope that doesn't sound patronising) the only advice I can give is don't do anything that could get you into trouble now or in the future. Don't have anyone 'have a word' with him, throw him out, or anything - get the solicitor's advice first and then do everything 'by the book'. From experience I know that it would probably feel a whole lot better to scream blue murder, cut up all his clothes or whatever but if you can keep the law on your side (at least) until everything is sorted out, all the bits of paper are signed and he's out of your life for good, the less you'll have to worry about retribution and retaliation. Whether he likes it or not, he's out of your life now so don't waste any more time or effort on him - use that energy to concentrate on you and your new life instead.

 

From what you've said, you've given him every opportunity, so he's had his chances and he's blown them...so there's no-one to blame but him. The number one person in your life now is you so keep repeating this to yourself. I've been through a sort of similar experience this year too so I know some of the things you're going through.

 

I know others have offered it too but if you want to chat, drop me a PM any time.

[Kathryn]

Hi Tally,

 

Tough decisions - it takes courage to do what you're doing. I hope the year gets better from this point on.

 

<'>

 

K x

[pumpkinpie]

Well done for making the decision.

You mention joint accounts, well I wouldnt want my name linked with his if I was you as he is the one who is pushing you into debt and making you liable!

My mum on our advice moved money out of hers and dads joint account into her own to make sure she wasnt in a position of him suddenly withdrwing funds nad her being penniless - do it!!

Make sure any money you are paid goes into your own personal account , including child benfit , dla etc.

 

I seem to think you could go for a legal sepertaion but this means joint accounts are frozen so you could be stuck.

 

Hope this helps, he really doesnt deserve you and i think you are making the right decision!

[Tally]

Thank you for your replies and support.

 

I am being very careful what I do until I see my solicitor, then I will know exactly where I stand.

[CarerQuie]

Hi Tally.I hope that 2007 is the start of far better things for you.xx

[Kathrynh]

Good Luck Tally. You are doing the right thing. I hope 2007 is a much better year for you. <'> <'> <'>

[Tally]

The other day he asked me out for dinner.

This morning he asked me to come shopping with him.

His parents invited us (both) for dinner this evening.

 

I'm all for remaining civil for as long as he insists on staying here, but this is plain stupid.

 

Were we supposed to break the happy news to his family at the dinner table?

 

I have made it quite clear to him what I feel now. There was no room for misunderstanding.

 

He did manage one night without drinking, but he's been in the pub every night since then, which doesn't exactly seem a good way to avoid temptation.

 

And he's just come and offered me a glass of champagne . . . what exactly are we celebrating?

[pumpkinpie]

I think he thinks you arent serious my dear!

Just take care!

[chriss]

Good Luck with everything xxx

[nellie]

Hi Tally,

 

You have my sympathy. <'> <'>

 

My mother was an alcoholic, Al Anon was my lifeline. They showed me how to alter my behaviour and that I could not control my mothers. I learned to accept her alcholism (well, as much as I could) and to stop being her prop. This in turn helped her. She managed to stop drinking for the last 6 years of her life.

 

You will find lots of support and understanding from people in your situation.

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

 

Good luck.

 

Nellie <'> <'>

[loulou]

Hi Tally,

 

<'> . I think you're doing the right thing too. I agree with the others, think of 2007 as a new beginning. I don't know anyone who drinks, but my ex emotionally abused me for 6 years (which i know alcoholics can do too). It was hard making the break, but now i look back and know it was the right choice for me.

 

Loulou xx

[butterfingersbimbo]

<'> <'> <'> i also think you are doing the right thing, its not going to be easy, and chances are there's going to be loads of emotional blackmail coming from him in the near future but try to stay strong.

my mum was an alcoholic all through my childhood, and my ex husband also had (still has probably) various addiction problems....which lead to mental problems and emotional abuse....but you have done the hardest part and have come to your decision.

 

the solicitor will probably say you have grounds for divorce cos of unreasonable behaviour. like has been said, close the joint account and make sure your sol gets the finacial side sorted!!! you will also be wanting to make a new will ......

[kirstie]

Tally, <'> 2007 is your year and just keep that thought in mind!

I know only too well how hard it is. My ex was/is an alcoholic and would disappear for days on end, come home to 'recharge' his batteries, lay in bed shaking and sweating making everyone elses lives a misery by being a bad tempered nasty git. I had after several years of trying to help him, mopping his brow and pandering to his every whim (when he was trying to go cold turkey) and being his general nursemaid, unpaid skivvy and punch-bag. In the end it got so bad because he had inherited his Grandmothers money, generations of money went to the worst possible person and he partied with everyone and anyone. Leaving me at home with the kids while he was either trashing very expensive hotel rooms and being arrested or picking up shall we say working girls and bonking his brothers wife! (i didn't actually know about her untill i had left though!) When i did finally leave for the umpteenth time i really knew i wouldn't be back. I had been to refuges and left a hundred times or more been beaten physiacally and mentally and sometimes (as bad as this might sound) wanted him to drink so he wouldn't hurt me (it was the only time he wouldn't verbally attack me or otherwise) but when i did pluck up the courage 6 years ago now (almost to the day) i moved into my dads, where it was hard i won't lie. It was the 3 of us in the one bed in a freezing house and Lew behaviours were at his worst, but i was safe and free. Eventually i got my own flat and moved in 6 months later and it was so liberating. I didn't do the dishes if i didn't want, went out for tea with the kids, did what i wanted. My money was my own and for the first time i wasn't taking a load of coppers to the shop for bread and milk. It was fab!!

All this time on i have now married my first love who i met when i was 14 and we have a baby together and another on the way.

Seriously you will be fine and you deserve to be happy. But keep strong and stay determined. I wish you all the luck in the world as it seems your situation is only dragging things out which will wear you down even more sooner or later.

Let us know you are ok and all the hugs i can send <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Jill]

Get a solicitor as soon as you can. If the mortgage is in joint names & he doesn't pay his half, the building society will come after you for the full amount. That may lead to you heavily subsidising somewhere for him to live. If you are unable to meet the full mortgage it will be a black mark on your credit record as well as his.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to be tough about this. You've got to think of yourself and your family. You can't worry about your husband or try to help him any more, he's got to do this himself.

 

Big hugs to you and yours. Stay strong. Take Care.

[Tally]

Thank you for the Al Anon link!!! I have been recommended them, but couldn't find a UK version!

 

Today I am feeling quite positive.

 

I realise this is going to be a painful process, but making this decision is a positive step in the right direction.

 

I have had a productive morning dealing with some financial issues.

 

A friend took me out to lunch.

 

Any my cat has finally agreed to permit me to sleep in 'her' bed in 'her' bedroom.

Edited January 2, 2007 by Tally

[pumpkinpie]

I agree with Jill, financially you need to be secure ie makesure he doesnt get you into financial trouble. I think that when you enter into a legal seperation for divorce joint assets ie bank accounts are frozen to avoid anyone running off with the cash. So thats why Im saying makesure you have your benefits, wage etc paid into your own account asap!!!!!!

[Stephanie]

You are doing the right thing by thinking of yourself ... sounds like you have wasted enough effort and time on someone who isn't willing to put you first and foremost in their life.

 

Priorities would be sorting out the finances, speaking to a Solicitor and making him realise that he needs to move out, having him live there with you must be awful.

 

Keep moving forward with your life!

[Tally]

Today I have started the divorce process with my solicitor.

 

I won't go into details, but I am making progress with everything.

[Bagpuss]

Thinking of you and take care Tally <'> <'>

[pumpkinpie]

The first step is always the hardest! Take care

[lil_me]

Thinking of you Tally <'>

[TheNeil]

Today I have started the divorce process with my solicitor.

 

I won't go into details, but I am making progress with everything.

 

I won't say 'well done' as, if you're anything like me, you won't be feeling very good inside at the moment having set the legal ball rolling (or maybe that was just me). You've taken a big step though and that's the important thing.

 

If you do want someone to confide in, ask, bounce ideas off etc. but don't want details 'going public', PM me any time.

[Tally]

Yes, I certainly don't feel good, but I do feel relieved, and certain that this is the right thing to do.

 

I am going to be OK, and it's wonderful to have so much support.

[kirstie]

Tally,

I'm thinking of you. It sure aint easy but yes you so have support here and always will.

Take care.

[hev]

IWHEN I MADE THE FIRST STEP TO SEE MY SOLICITOR I FELT TERRIBLE BUT ALSO AS THOUGH I WAS MAKING A MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE,KEEP STRONG WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU