Another dreaded meeting at school .... UPDATED

[oxgirl]

Me and hub have another meeting with the Head of the Unit and the Teacher at the Unit on Monday. I'm dreading it. We want to tell them, again, about how let down we feel and how bad we feel about the support J is getting, but I'm already a wreck. In particular, we want to complain about the TA he's with and ask for another one, or at least for a different one for next year.

 

I just know I'm either going to clam up and sit there tight-lipped and sullen or else gabble insanely and start weeping, or a combination of the two, I'm dreading it. I just want them to listen to us and understand how we feel and not see us as nuisances all the time.

 

Please send me some good luck vibes and some dutch courage. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

Edited March 19, 2007 by oxgirl

[Clare63]

Sending you bucket loads of courage and positive vibes for Monday.

 

Type a list of all the things you want to say and sit in the meeting with it in front of you and tick it off as go that way you won't forget anything and for me makes me say the things I find hardest to get across, seeing it on the list encourages me to say it. In the past my husband and I have given those present a copy of the list/out notes which also give them the opportunity to bring up something we have missed or chickened out of saying.

 

Be strong and don't take any c**p from them.

 

With lots and lots and lots of luck

 

Clare x

 

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Wishing you lots and lots of pv's for the meeting, stay strong and tell them exactly how you are feeling, take extra support in with you if you can and write a list of things you would like to discuss

 

good luck <'>

[Bagpuss]

Good luck Mel, will be thinking of you on Monday <'>

[brooke]

Hi Mel

I also have a meeting on mon with my sons ARC it will be my first one with them so unsure how it will go I really hope it goes ok for you <'> <'> <'>

[pearl]

<'> Mel <'>

will be thinking of you, hope it goes well.

[Kathryn]

Good luck, oxgirl

 

K x

[mbrown]

Good Luck mel, as everyone else says, write your points down, stay calm.

 

Make sure as well as airing your complaints try to make a few suggestions as to how you see things can develop.

 

You know your boy better than anyone.

 

Good Luck

 

MB

[palgem]

hi

hope it goes well we to dread these meetings we have a big one in april. they always go out of there way or so it seems to make things awkward and uncomfortable and put you on the back foot . just plan it well and as above make a list we also take someone with us when we go they don,t like this but tell them they have a role in the care of the child they cannot stop them coming in its in the sen cop .

just tell them what you want and take notes also ask them for a copy of the meeting notes as they genrally have someone taking them ,but read these carefully as they tend to change wording in certain areas to suit them .

hope you get a result and goodluck you probably will need it ?

bye for now paul

[pumpkinpie]

Thinking of you.

 

I hate meetings. My coping method is to just write down what I want. Go through the list and if a need a minute to compose myself I just say "can you repeat that" or "I dont understand what you are saying" - it just gives me a bit of thinking time.

 

I now think if one positive things comes out of a meeting thats brilliant because when I was thinking of everything I never seemed to get anywhere.

 

For you is it the suppport? and what?

It maybe you need to aim for these things as a new support and diff attitude maybe the way of making the other stuff you want happen?

 

Hope that helps

Ps My bruv always used to say picturing the people you are talking to sitting <'> on the loo helps him, he cannot take them seriiously when he does that!

[JsMum]

I really do hope that tomorrow the most influential people you are seeing tomorrow actually listen and act on what they say they want to do for your J, take notes at the meeting of key things they say they are going to do and if there is a chance of a new TA for J then write these down and give them chance to put them in place.

 

As suggested list the priorities that you want to see a dramatic change in and request these tomorrow even if they say they cant, you can still request and put into a letter so that your requests are in black and white and they go into his SEN file so its evidence of future meetings if they try and brush everything under the carpet at this meeting.

 

Keep a copy for your own file at home as well incase they loose the one you give them and then you can offer to give them another if they choose to loose the one they get in tomorrows meeting.

 

Keep calm, and just rememeber that you are the one who is in charge of all the choices and decisions and anything your not happy that the school are deciding then put into a letter displaying your concerns over the care and welbeing of your child.

 

and keep writing regular.

 

I had to start a fresh with J as his previous system was too corrupt and breaking sen laws that the damage was just too destressing for J and I had to remove him altogether, this is something you could suggest to the school if they dont care and meet your sons needs.

 

I really am feeling for you as I have been there and done that and nothing came of it, no support just bullies who thought they knew better, as I was only his Mother.

 

I really hope your more successful and I really do hope that tomorrow is the beginning for some support and understanding for your son.

 

J is doing so much better now in a school that do meet his needs in all areas.

 

JsMum

Edited March 18, 2007 by JsMum

[aawmum]

A teacher friend of mine advised me to start off with really positive stuff. Try to think of some positive comments, even if you have to scrape the barrell. It worked for me - and then I started on the negative and they were more inclined to listen and not be defensive. Try to finish off with something good too.

 

Good luck!

[Flora]

Mel... <'>

 

Sending you good luck vibes for the meeting.

 

Hope it goes well.... let us know how you get on.

 

 

Flora XXX

[bikergal]

Mel, sending you some positive vibes. Hope it goes well. <'>

[annie]

Good luck for today Mel .

 

I'll be thinking of you.

 

Annie

<'>

[curra]

Good luck for the meeting. Mel <'> <'> . Hope it goes really well for you.

Sending lots of positive vibes and courage!

 

Curra

[smiley]

Thinking of you, good luck <'>

[pumpkinpie]

Hope things went well for you all?

[oxgirl]

UPDATE

 

Well, had the dreaded meeting. We wrote a little agenda to discuss with them and gave them copies. Have to say they were less than impressed with anything we had to say, they seemed pretty disgruntled with us, to be honest. DH gave the Head of the Unit a bit of a hard time on a few issues, which didn't go down well. I ended up getting emotional and crying (embarrassing). Head said that it seemed like I was angry a lot of the time and I said I was! We asked for another TA. They agreed that it should be possible, but probably not until September, so we're stuck with her for another five months.

 

Not sure what I expected to get out of the meeting, but I came away feeling very down and like they hadn't really understood what we were saying. Have felt very depressed and empty for the rest of the day.

 

We'll see, I suppose, over the next few weeks whether things change or improve I guess. We did say to them we were considering taking him out of school because we felt that bad about so many things. They just looked at us.

 

Thanks everyone for keeping me going. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[curra]

Mel, You were great! <'> <'> <'> <'>

Their lack of support was quite evident by the way they made you feel. Did they say clearly what they are going to change right now? Now you just have to wait and see if things improve. If they don't improve maybe it would be time to look at another school or home-ed. Have you considerd these options? I would contact Autism Outreach or a SEN officer at the LEA and ask for advice if the stress and damage to J continue.

 

Curra

[bikergal]

<'> <'> <'> Know how you feel. Got letter today in reply to my letter from head and senco. Was unbelievable. They lifted one quote from my letter which made it appear that I was at fault. The minutes from the awful meeting the other week bear no relation to what actually happened. I am very angry. Don't schools just know how to drive us and our kids up the wall?! I'm not surprised you appeared angry you've got every right to be. Don't let them grind you or your son down. I can't believe dd1's school resorted to some good old fashioned point scoring, so I'm afraid they're going to receive one sentence of good old fashioned subjectivity before I tiptoe around them again and SUGGEST they might have misunderstood AGAIN! I don't want to point score or play games I want my daughter to receive the help she is entitled to.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread Mel, emotions are running rather high here. It sounds like your dh may have made the school a little defensive and uneasy, but well done for putting your points across. <'>

[oxgirl]

Mel, You were great! <'> <'> <'> <'>

Their lack of support was quite evident by the way they made you feel. Did they say clearly what they are going to change right now? Now you just have to wait and see if things improve. If they don't improve maybe it would be time to look at another school or home-ed. Have you considerd these options? I would contact Autism Outreach or a SEN officer at the LEA and ask for advice if the stress and damage to J continue.

 

Curra

 

 

Thanks Curra. <'> <'> <'>

I didn't feel great, though, I felt like an idiot!!

Nope, they didn't want to commit themselves to actually DOING anything, but the Head did apologize for not replying to DH's email and for letting us down on a couple of particular issues. Didn't agree to correct them, of course, just apologized.

 

There really aren't any other placements available to us other than the local mainstream. I really wish we'd sent him there part-time, actually, it really couldn't have been worse and would only be five mins away. We have and still are considering home ed, if the worse comes to the worse that's always an option. We so want them to make this placement work though.

 

~ Mel ~ <'>

[oxgirl]

<'> <'> <'> Know how you feel. Got letter today in reply to my letter from head and senco. Was unbelievable. They lifted one quote from my letter which made it appear that I was at fault. The minutes from the awful meeting the other week bear no relation to what actually happened. I am very angry. Don't schools just know how to drive us and our kids up the wall?! I'm not surprised you appeared angry you've got every right to be. Don't let them grind you or your son down. I can't believe dd1's school resorted to some good old fashioned point scoring, so I'm afraid they're going to receive one sentence of good old fashioned subjectivity before I tiptoe around them again and SUGGEST they might have misunderstood AGAIN! I don't want to point score or play games I want my daughter to receive the help she is entitled to.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread Mel, emotions are running rather high here. It sounds like your dh may have made the school a little defensive and uneasy, but well done for putting your points across. <'>

 

 

So sorry, Bikergal, these schools seem to have the power to make us feel just lousy, don't they!! <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

No, no, you're not hijacking at all, you've every right to be fed up, I can totally sympathise. Hope you can get them to see your point of view, but it's like talking to a brick wall sometimes, isn't it. We could do without all these battles. Like you say, we just want what's best for our kids. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[marshmallow]

<'> <'> <'> Mel , I hope things do improve. I agree with Curra about contacting the LEA or Autism Outreach if things don't improve asap. It's not fair on you or J and for both yours and his health you need things sorted. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this.

 

Take Care.

[Bagpuss]

I'm sorry the meeting left you feeling lower still Mel <'> <'>

[palgem]

hi

same old thing again and again ? then they wonder why you seem angry . its hard not to be all that you want and we all want is what we r entitled to an education for our children but all we get is a list of excuses and made to feel realy lousy and that its our fault all the time . no commitment from these so called professionals who r paid to do a job and fail our children completely . fight for what you need ,complain , moan and make your self heard its the only way anything will be done , we r all in the same boat and i can see little changing , its hard tirering and very frustrating but at the end of the day you know you are right and that is all that counts

hope things improve with you all the way and know exactly how you are feeling been here many times and surely will be again no doubt?

bye for now paul

[Flora]

mel <'>

 

You must feel so frustrated. You'd think that being in an ASD unit would be ideal... but obviously not! I can totally understand how you must be feeling.... It sounds like meetings I've had in the past...where what THEY are saying does not correlate with what you KNOW.... I honestly think that these people believe that if they sprout their garbage often enough it will become true....

 

Don't give up....

 

Flora <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks, Marshmallow, Bagpuss and Paul. It seems never-ending at the mo really, but we'll see, they might surprise us and pull their socks up!

 

Cheers. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pumpkinpie]

I think contacting the lea outreach team would be a good idea.

How about having a look around schools in the area and if you like the one you mentioned look into asking for his annual review to be brought forward with a view to changing your sons school placement.

 

Speaking as someone who has spent 5 years struggling with mainstream and a school who really didnt get it. I have just had an annual review and req a diff placement. the sense of relief is great and I think there has to be a point whee we just say enought is enough, if the school dont get it now they never will and its time to move on.

 

I dont mean to confuse matters but saying the wont change his support until sept is a cop out and not trying to resolve your other issues. This school is .....a waste of space!

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Oh Mel, I am so sorry that the meeting did not seem to go well, I wonder how those attending the meeting feel now, I wonder if they are going over in their minds what was said and I wonder if they have reflected on how crushed and emotional you were. Your anger and upset show how passionate you are about how your son is educated and how you are not going to put up with their fobbing off and hog wash. Of course they will be defensive but I hope on reflection they will take forward the points you raised. You could follow up by sending in a copy of your agenda up dated with what was agreed not agreed etc., and get them to acknowledge in writing.

You no doubt though feel exhausted with it all at the moment, not feeling on top form can leave you vulnerable and perhaps more emotional than usual, my heart goes out to you and I am so angry with the way you have been left feeling, this is wrong so wrong. At least I suppose they agreed to change the TA but not until September, but what will happen in the mean time and has she been told of your request.

Don't forget to mention all this to your GP and ask whether from a medical point of view they could indicate to the school the impact this all has on you and your son.

Sorry I feel I have bombarded you here with this post, all I really wanted to say is be strong, you and DH did great, I am proud of you, try not to take it all personally, never give up and we are all here to support and care for you in a cyber space sort of way.

Clare x

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[Kathryn]

Mel,

 

Just sending some of these <'> <'> <'>

 

So sorry you feel let down by the meeting - I hope they have taken some of what you said on board.

 

K x

[curra]

Thanks Curra. <'> <'> <'>

I didn't feel great, though, I felt like an idiot!!

Nope, they didn't want to commit themselves to actually DOING anything, but the Head did apologize for not replying to DH's email and for letting us down on a couple of particular issues. Didn't agree to correct them, of course, just apologized.

 

 

Mel, I'm so sorry that the meeting didn't go well and you felt so low. But you had the courage to face those people and explain your concerns and musn't let them bring you down. They seem to always take your worries as attacks/complaints and fail to respond adequately. It reminds me so much of my son's previous school, but his was just mainstream without a unit. Don't give up, your son has rights and it's the school that's failing him. I hope they surprise you this time, I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but you may have to continue your struggle, so perhaps you could ask your GP about how all this is affecting your son and get in touch with autism outreach for advice.

 

Good luck!

 

Curra