should I give up work?

[car2]

Hello all, I have a son who is 6 and has suspected AS and a "normal" daughter who is 3. As you all know, it can be extremely difficult looking after any child especially when they have special requirements as my son does- bless him.

The thing is, I have always worked part time or fulltime for the last nine years and i'm getting really fed up now. I know that people cope with so much more than I do but im totally stressed out!

I can't sleep, Im comfort eating, i feel constantly drained and am extremely irritable. I suffered from severe depression 2 years ago due to me looking after my dad who had a stroke at just 49, dan having severe problems at school, a misscarriage and an unhappy marriage.

Since then, I have come a long way and pulled myself out of the depths of desparation. But now I just can't shake this feeling of exuastion and glumness off.

Iv'e come to the point where I just want to be a mummy and not worry about making ends meet.

We are planning to have a baby (new partner) and try and create some stability for my son.

I sometimes think im just lazy and pathetic as my life could be so much worse and I don't know if i'm being stupid or not?

I would love some honest advice as Im stuck and I don't know what to do. Dan's DLA is currently being re-considered and Im praying he will get it so I can give up work and make life more structured for him, but if we don't get it, there is absolutely noway I can even think about it.

Im tempted to ask the dr to sign me off for a couple of weeks with stress so I can sort myself out, Im detemind not to suffer from depression again.

Sorry to waffle!

caroline x

[llisa32]

Hiya, I'm currently learning all about Aspergers so although I'm on a laerning curve there and likely to try and get my son disgnosed I do know about the stress you are feeling. I too have worked fulltime since my son was 6 months old and sometimes it gets too much and you need a break. I would say seriously consider the following:

 

1. Take a couple of weeks sick to rehcharge - most people have done it at some point or another, if you need a certficate from the docs see if he'll word it in a vague way if you're worried about how work would perceive it

 

2. If you work for a large co is there any chance of parental leave, or a short sabbatical? - least that way you get to keep your options open whilst you get yourself back on form.

 

You definately need to sometimes put yourself first and make sure your own health is looked after so that you can remain strong for your family.

 

I hope it works out for you - nothing worse than feeling so drained and tired

[KarenT]

This past couple of weeks I've been blessing the fact that I no longer work because of ill health. I have ME which was triggered off at the same time that J was born.

 

The reason I've been thinking this way is that J is now showing some massive improvements. He's beginning to become self-aware, is learning to control his anger and manage his emotions, is becoming more organised and happy with himself. I have taught him about AS and he is coming to terms with who he is and accepting himself. He knows that he has problems associated with his dx but that he has the power to learn about managing his life successfully.

 

This has been the result of massive hard work for both myself and for J. He has had no support at school or from any other source - we've done everythign that has benefited him. Every single thing I've taught him has been a hard slog for months of consistent effort - nothing has been successful overnight and it's been constantly exhausting (more so with the ME factor). BUT... I strongly believe that he would never have developed this far had it not been for me being home and being able to work with him on social stories, checklists and other tools to help him.

 

Now I'm not saying that being a home-mum is right for everyone, nor that it's not possible to work and be a successful parent to a child with ASD - plenty do and have no problems with juggling it all. But for me I do know that J's improvements are down to the support he's had from having me at home to meet his needs.

 

I agree with what Lisa has said about not making any hasty decisions. Perhaps you do need a break to reconsider your options and decide what's best for your family's future. I guess there will be pros and cons on both sides so you'll have to decide for yourself what your priorities are.

 

Good luck.

 

Karen

x

[oxgirl]

Caroline, there is no way you're being lazy and pathetic or stupid. My goodness, I only have one child and I don't work at all and I'm stressed and shattered half the time as well, I honestly don't know how people have the energy to work as well, I think you're marvelous for coping with all the strain that an AS child can put on you and working as well, so don't put yourself down. <'>

 

You don't say what work you do, but if it is quite a stressful job, is there any way that you could maybe change to a part-time or less stressful or demanding job, or maybe just a change would do you good maybe?

 

I hope that you get DLA and that you'll be able to be in a position to give up work, if that's what you want, but you shouldn't feel guilty either way. In some ways I'd love to get a little part-time, stress-free job to give me something to focus on other than my lad and to give me an identity, but I couldn't cope at the moment with it, if you've been coping with it all these years then good on you. <'>

 

Take care. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[bid]

Have to say that I wasn't able to work until my son went to a residential special school...it was completely impossible before!

 

Don't feel that you're lazy or anything like that. It's only now in retrospect (he's coming up for 18) that I can see how our life was when he was little, and I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself.

 

Bid <'>

Edited May 2, 2007 by bid

[MichelleW]

Hi, My eldest is nearly 7 and my youngest is 2 and a half and may also have ASD. I also work, but have reduced my hours to fit in with school hours. I was still finding it a struggle so I've opted for a "temporary" change of job which is much less interesting, but more flexible and less demanding. I may have the option of keeping my new job. However, I've seriously thought about giving up work altogether as my youngest is now going through all the assessment appointments and I having to take more days off work. I'm feeling exhausted at the moment - I just get home and want to go straight to sleep. I think my head is in overdrive - trying to think about getting J statemented, getting him tested for coeliacs, dietry intolerence testing and getting the youngest assessed. I can easily switch off work as soon as I leave work, but I can't switch off the kids problems when I'm supposed to be working. I'm much happier when I have a week off work with the kids and don't really want to go back again.

 

I don't think you are being lazy - it is tough working and something has to give eventually. However, I really couldn't afford not to work - even with DLA. I just wish I could find a rich husband

[car2]

Thank you for all your supportive kind words. Im a support worker for people suffering from autism, learning difficulties, down syndrome and mental health problems.

It feels like I give more to them than my own son at times so i feel quite guilty that I give my all to them and don't have enough energy for my son!! I only work 13 hours per week-just two shifts but working 2.30-9pm is a right pain because Daniel wont go to sleep until I am home melatonin or not!! The three trips to school per day on foot doesn't help as I m sure you can imagine due to Dan's refusal to walk and having to touch every metal object and shouting at people who walk faster than us! lol

 

Anyway, Iv'e just arrived home from the dr and he has pescribed me anti-depressants (again) which I really didn't want to have, but he is a lovely caring Dr and Im willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. He has also signed me off for 2 weeks so hopefully I can gain some perspective on the situation and decide what is best for me and my family.

caroline

Edited May 2, 2007 by car2

[Bambi]

Only u know if u can cope with work or not, along with the stresses u have in ur life.

 

T was 3 when i had no choice but to give up work (i went back when he was one, i have worked all my life) he was hurting kids at nurseries and it was proving difficult for anywhere to accept his behaviour (didnt know it was ASD back then).

 

Enjoy ur two weeks off (well u know what i mean) but its ur time for u and time to reflect, things will seem a lot clearer in a few weeks.

 

Bambi x

[car2]

It's so nice for a change to feel supported and to know that im not the only one going through these difficulties and feelings, I can't thank you all enough for your support and I hope that oneday soon my advice can help all you wonderfully special people, you all deserve a medal and so do your children for being so unique and amazing.

lots of love

caroline xx <'> <'> <'> <'>

[carrieq]

Caroline,

I could have written your post myself as I am having the exact same thoughts. I work part time teaching children who are multi disabled visually impaired and feel I give more to my class than my own kids. Ds hates school and beiing in breakfast and after school club just extends his day. He is moving to a communication unit next term and I want him to have the best start and feel it can only be done if I give up work. By the time I take childcare costs off what I earn I come out with very little. Like you I am waiting to see what DLA say and am hoping he stays on higher care!!

Like I am sure you do I get alot from my work as it is challenging but so rewarding but ds and his sisters come first!

Hope we both get the outcome we want, you are not alone!!!

Carrie

[peppa]

Good luck guys, i hope you all get the outcome you wish for. Don't ever feel guilty for working, you are doing what you need to do for all the familys needs.

 

I gave up work 4 weeks before the birth of dd, and have been fortunate enough to be in a position financially to not have to return yet, however i had considered returning part time when dd starts fulltime school, only to give me a little independance and another focus. I would only want and be able to work during school hours as dd is very clingy to me and we have never spent time apart for more than a couple of hours when her dad has taken her out, other than that i don't have anyone who is able to childcare for dd who is able and aware to deal with her needs.

However we are hoping to move house soon, and extend the family which means taking on a mortgage, therefore i may only be able to remain a stay at home mum if our DLA application is accepted,(just in the process of completing form now).

 

I've been fortunate to have nearly 4 years at home with dd, but would never slate anyone who works, as the needs of all familys are different, some children may benefit more from time apart from parents, as it may help them forge relationships with other carers increasing their social abilities and communication, so don't always look on it as a negetive option.

 

The break may help give you more clarity to make a decision, either way you'll get a well earned break, take it easy though.

I commend anyone who manages to successfully juggle working and childcare its no mean feat!

I struggle somedays just to get us both ready and the house in some sort of order before lunchtime! God knows how im going to get out the house and to school by 8.40 when she goes mornings!

I hope you find a solution that suits all of your needs loads of luck xx

[elun1]

<'> I constantly think about this too. I am a teacher for 3 days a week in mainstream primary and have often wondered if I'm doing the right thing. My days are crammed full from 5 am and usually finish planning/marking at around 11pm tho I try not to do any work on a Saturday night. ds2 has severe autism and SLD and has a multitude of needs/appointments and therapies that need carrying out. There's also a 7yr old who needs tons of attention. dh is a shift worker which in some ways is a help as he can do school run when he's on nights but it puts a big srain on your marriage. Sometimes it's hard to work and I do constantly question whether I'm doing the right thing. HOWEVER it's hard to give it up as I love my job - well the children but could do without paperwork. Sometimes it's like a kind of respite from autism. Also as my children are both of school age I don't actually need to be in at home in the day 5 days a week when they're out as long as I'm organised about getting housework/ironing etc done and keep on top of the schoolwork. I think if I didn't have work I'd defo be on anti d's and probably even more depressed than now but I don't really know that for sure as sometimes I feel stressed out my head!

Good luck with whatever you decide - It's such a dilemma

Love Elun xxx

[car2]

That is also a worry of mine!! If I don't have work, where can I escape to??!! lol

[Kazzen161]

I could not have worked until recently - I had lots of fighting/chasing to do for both my AS sons. I finally went back to work (only part-time) just before Xmas. I have already found that some things I was involved in have had to go, and I have noticed I don't have the time to "nag" my boys as much as I should. BUT I feel a lot happier than I have for a long time, because when I am at work I am *me* - I go to work for a break!

 

Karen

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Only you know whether you could cope with work as well as coping with your son, family life, etc. I have a 5 year old with AS. I work full-time and I love my job - although not as much as my son!!! My boss is thankfully one in a million and knows that Robert comes first with me always, however, when I'm at work, I give it 110%. For me, work is a welcome distraction and sometimes when I feel like a useless mother, at least I know I'm good at my job! We've been through lots of tough times and I've had people tell me that I should give up work or go part-time. If I thought my son was suffering because of me working full-time, I'd cut down my hours or) give up, but I genuinely don't believe that's the case. I feel like I need some normal adult time and need to feel good at something (and earn money!). I'm not some kind of superwoman and there are times when I think that I've ran out of steam, but I guess we all feel like that sometimes. No one has the right to tell you - only you can weigh up the pros and cons.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[lynda4]

I have 4 older 'children' three with ASDs (22, 20 and 13) who live with me and the eldest (24)has some traits, he lives with his Dad, his choice. When they were very young and I was married, I wanted to be a SAHM and didn't think ahead to what I'd do when they were older, having no idea then that they had problems. Well we knew ds2 had, but thought he would grow out of it, no idea it was an ASD. I loved being a SAHM and would have even liked more children but as they grew older and their difficulties began to show more, we separated and got divorced. I never managed to get to a point where I could consider going back to work, so have been on benefits as their carer ever since. When I was married I was able to do bits of part time work but not since I've been on my own. I find that the battles for the things they need, diagnosis, proper support in school, benefits, respite care etc etc take up a huge amount of time. Paperwork coming out of my ears and phone calls, meetings, appointments too. Added to that is a fair degree of stress, as you can imagine and so I suffer from depression from time to time. Because I have a few children who are affected, there always seems to be ONE of them that has a crisis! All of them are doing well and all have periods when they're very little trouble but there's always at least one who needs me A LOT in any period of time. I used to do voluntary work, just one half day a week in a charity shop but have had to give that up because of the latest crisis that needs lots of my attention and time and is running on for AGES. I've joined several college classes (2hrs a week sort of thing) but only managed to complete two as during the 9 months college year, there's always been someone who has needed me.

 

The kids are happy and doing well. I've had the luxury of all this time to help them learn things like social skills, facial expressions, emotions, feelings etc etc and plenty of time to listen to them, learn who they are and be able to help them in the best way I can. I know this has been valuable and will stay with them in later life but I still have times of feeling guilty that I have this time for them, because I'm reliant on benefits and that often has a stigma to it. Having said that, if I was to work, there could be no job that would be anything like as hard as what I'm doing, often long into the night and just cos I don't do paid work in the usualense, doesn't mean I'm lazy or my job is any less worthwhile.

 

What I've found though is that I'm becoming more and more isolated as my friends with NT childen have moved on, are working full time, children left home or independent anyway. They are free to see me sometimes in the evenings but that's when I'm needed by the kids. I have free time during the day while the kids are at school, but they're working. My friends who have children like mine, also have time consraints and so are rarely free at the same times as I am. Sometimes you just need to get right away from autism but when me and my friends get together, we often fall into talking about the kids and their problems all the time we're together. Its good to have someone to talk to who understands but it can get very depressing, especially if we are both having a hard time of it at once.

 

I know I can't work at the mo, partly because I don't have the time with all I have to do, partly because my stress levels wouldn't take it. There are times when even doing one small extra thing makes me shake, because the stress is already there with what I'm currently dealing with. So I swing from wandering round the house being bored and wondering what to do with myself one week, to suddenly being busy, rushing around almost 24/7 with my head feeling like it will explode for the next month or so! If I had a job, I'd have problems getting 'childcare' for after school and the holidays, I don't have family to help. If I worked part time I wouldn't even get any extra money as it would just be taken off my benefits. I certainly couldn't work full time.

 

If you work, you have the self esteem of doing 'a proper job' and you might get a rise, or a bonus or a promotion, or even just a pat on the back from a grateful boss. My job doesn't come with that, its very rare I'll get praise of any sort from a houseful of young people with an ASD! I haven't had a romantic relationship of any sort since we divorced 12 years ago and rarely get a chance to go out in an evening, even if I did I'd be too tired to enjoy it. But if I was working and getting out and about I'd have a far better chance of finding a new man and making new friends. As it is I can go days without speaking to anyone except shopkeepers and sometimes professionals related to autism and I'm a very sociable person. Sometimes I think I'll go mad if I carry on like this and long to get a job but know its not really possible.

 

On the other hand, its me who's set the standards I bring the kids up by. I'm a great mum, always there when they need me and willing to go to any lengths to give them what they need. Maybe I need to let them manage by themselves a bit more, suffer a bit, struggle a bit and learn they can't always have everything they want (not monetary), can't always have me there when they want or need me etc etc My friends have done this with their own children, gone back to work and their kids have grown up and become more independent as a result. If anything, their children respect them more, not less for having a life of their own. But then their children are NT. So far when I've tried to do this sort of thing with my own, it hasn't worked and they've become more anxious rather than outgoing. Instead of learning to cope by themselves without me, they've just left whatever it is undone and gone on their computers instead, even skipping meals, not getting dressed, forgetting homework etc. If I took on a job, I'd have less time but I'd also have more stress from work, I think that is the thing that I wouldn't be able to cope with. My brain already feels full up

 

I think the ideal would be to be a SAHM if at all possible, to be able to devote more time to your child when he's young, as the extra time really does make a difference with ASDs and then go back to work part time later on for your own sanity! Also for extra money, more self esteem, companionship, interests outside of home, even just feeling like a real person in your own right and not just a mum or a carer. Its easy to lose yourself after a long time out of work.

[car2]

Hi Lynda, thank you for adding your advice and comments. I just wanted to say please don't ever feel bad about being on benefits, It's people like you who deserve them!!!!!

I worked full time nights from the time my daughter was 6 weeks old until she was 3 and I will always mourn the time I never spent with her. I was constantly tired and ratty, she must have thought I was a monster, she used to cry when she was with me because all she wanted was my child minder and that broke my heart to pieces. As Iv'e mentioned before, we plan to have another baby and i am determind not to make the same mistakes. I know this is not true for alot of working mums and I hold my hand up to them all and say welldone, what an amazing job you are doing!! And at the same time you have selflessly devoted all of your life and time to the best job in the world, I know it's hard when my son doesn't seem to appriciate anything I do, but iv'e come to accept that he will always be this way and it's not his fault. I could never imagine how i'd cope with 3 children with ASD!

Keep going, and I hope oneday you will be able to find a job that suits you and your children, because lets face it, we all need adult conversation!

the best of luck to you <'> <'>

caroline x

[Gus]

I had to take 6 months off work when my son was younger. I was not sure if my job would be there when I was ready to go back and money was tight but I was very stressed and decided that my health had to come first.

 

The time off helped me and my son and when I was ready I let my old job know, they were very supportive and as soon as an opening became available they called on me.

 

Take a little time to think it over and whatever your decision , best of luck.

[elainem]

I haven't had chance to read the other replies but I can say my own experience is that my work has been my saviour.

 

I only work 12 hours a week in the evenings though. I went back when my twin boys were 5 months old and one was dx with ASD at age 4.5. I think it's tiring (I have a stressful job although only 12 hours) but it's worth it to have another focus sometimes and it makes me feel part of the adult world.

 

Sometimes I do wish I didn't work but on balance having worked this way now for 7 years I think it's the right choice.

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

Elainexxx

[car2]

Well I guess my mind is made up because I just found out that im pregnant!!! So i wont be returning to work after my sick note runs out. Dan has taken the news really well, I just hope it's not a girl as Daniel will be very angry with me-he only wants a brother!

 

CAROLINE

Edited May 7, 2007 by car2

[lynda4]

CONGRATULATIONS Caroline!!! Wonderful news and as good a reason as any to be a SAHM for another few years if that's what you want.

[bid]

Ahh...lovely news! <'>

 

Bid

[elun1]

<'> Excellent!! Very very jealous - would love another babe xxx

[KarenT]

Fate often finds the answers for you, doesn't it?!

 

Congratulations, enjoy!

 

Karen

x

[dooday24]

i know how u feel i work 30 hrs a week and keep thinking it would be lovely to give up work or reduce my hrs but cant afford 2, i am totally exhausted, and on antideppressants,. but i do think work gives me a bit of time away! i hope u sort things out soon love donnaxxxxxxx <'> <'> <'> <'>

[lynyona]

Congratulations Caroline

 

 

I work part time 12 a week and i was contemplating giving up a couple of weeks ago and to be honest with dh unemployed we dont benefit by me working but my job is my only escapism and i dont want to give it up and then regret it so maybe id be better having a couple of weeks off as well.Ifnothing else it would give me an insight of what id be facing if i didnt go out to work lol

 

 

 

 

lynn