"He Just needs more boundaries"

[JsMum]

This is what was said by Js support worker today, that he cant have a disability that he just more boundaries placed thats all, this man has only looked after him for 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today, so there you go, he asked me what parenting courses I had been on, I told him family links and familys first a very intensive programme, he said the only one that is really any good is the three Ps suggested maybe this one is the one for Me./

 

He suggested I read a couple of puppy handbooks and maybe put some of those in place with J, so now all parents shouldnt buy parenting books but books that are for Dogs!!!

 

He said why doesnt J go to school, I said that he finds it very stressful and he refuses to go, he then replied he wouldnt give him a choice, he would go if he was to look after him, by force maybe but what about once there, he refuses to work and listen amd his behaviour is really agitated when he returns, he asked me about his behaviour at school, and I said he doesnt co operate, he struggles with reading and socialising, that he doesnt do as his told, oh well he isnt as bad as the children as I work with then, I dont really know what kind of kids he works with but I get a feeling not kids who have special needs.

 

He said that he certainly doesnt need a PRU place as he would learn more bad behaviour!

 

I asked him how J was on the walk and he said oh he had to do as he was told, and he did try to insist on certain paths, but I just said to him no we are going this way, and he was afraid of some dogs but I said he has to get over the fact he has been bitten in the past.

 

J said that he didnt like him and that he doesnt want to go again.

 

The support worker said J just has a lot of energy and maybe because its more than I have then it may feel like he is hyper!!!!!??? believe me I cycle everywhere, I am fit and in shape, not like this geaser who couldnt even keep up with J for more than half an hour yesterday yet the reason he seems hyper is because maybe I am not that Fit? Js psychiatrist actually thinks I also have ADHD and there is a big possibilty?

 

He has said that from what he see he isnt ADHD or autistic and just needs more boundaries, the fact he has seen two different psychiatrists, and three peadatritions who said he has both then I dont see how he can pass judgement on a 4 hour period.

 

I felt really hurt and I only have this guy because it was instead of him going into full time care, I feel now that if at the end of the day he is the way he is because of the way I parent him and I am not placing down rules then I think it may be best for him if he did go into care if I am doing such a bad job, I said this to this guy and he then said " your not doing anything wrong "??/' confused or what.

 

So do I give up or what?

 

JsMum

Edited July 1, 2007 by JsMum

[annie]

<'> Jsmum <'>

 

I feel upset and angry for you . The man is a support worker for heavens sake, not somebody qualified to make a diagnosis, in just a few hours as well

 

Could you speak to the support worker's manager? It's hardly being very professional having a job title of a support worker when he is doing exactly the opposite.

 

He suggested I read a couple of puppy handbooks and maybe put some of those in place with J, so now all parents shouldnt buy parenting books but books that are for Dogs!!!

 

I'm speechless

 

Annie

xx

[Kazzen161]

No, don't give up. You know you know your child better than anyone else.

 

There are always a few people around who think they know it all.

 

I have had years of my ex telling me there is nothing wrong with T - that he has no problems with him. It is true that he has less problems - because he doesn't see him very often, he is male, he was stronger than T for a long time, he likes doing the same things that T does, he didn't have to get him to go to school, etc. I enjoyed watching him trying to get T dressed one day when T said he didn't want to go with him - he was kicking him, and pulling off the clothes as far as he put them on. My ex then carried him to the car - T opened the door - my ex put the child lock on - he opened the window and tried to climb out - my ex removed the window winder - I happily waved them off!

 

My ex disagreed with the opinions of the psychiatrists, psychologists, paediatricians, teachers, etc.

 

I would have a word with SS and tell them that this person is not right for your son - that it was that sort of attitude that led to your child refusing to go to school, and ask for someone who knows about asd. I am sure SS send these people on purpose - so that your child refuses to go anymore or so you don't ask for any more respite.

[llisa32]

J's mum.....I think you need to hang onto your self confidence and belief...and then complain about this self rigteous

bloke you had the pleasure of coming into contact with this weekend.

 

My instinct would be to tell him where to put his opinions!

 

You didn't ask him for them and it's not his job to give them

 

You have your specialists opinions to work with...go with them and your own instincts.

 

I'd complain about this guy and ask for someone different....no point giving you a couple of hours respite and then upsetting you himself when he gets back!

 

Please please keep believing in yourself

 

Take Care

[lynyona]

Oh the times i heard that one but that was before kieran was diagnosed.You let him get away with too much and one woman from the family unit had the audacity to to tell me it was my fault that he was like he was because i didnt push him hard enough. As im sure many of you will agree you can only push so far before total meltdown and to carry on pushing just because they say so then no sorry im not. We has parents now how far we can push our children and if im pushing him into something that makes him unhappy or uncomfortable about the situation then forget it.That is i think why i dont get any support with kieran because i wouldnt conform to there ideology of what they wanted him to do .Come of it! i ll give you an instance....They said we needed to get him into college kieran doesnt like change and with kieran forewarned is forearmed literally.So i gets him ready which is a chore in itself and he s asking all the time where are we going and i make the excuse ive got to go somewhere and i cant leave him at home on his own, fair enough ,so we catch the bus to town then we have to get another bus kieran still asking where we are going.So when it becomes obvious that we have arrived at college he asking why we are there and im still making excuses that ive got to pop into see someone there.We get to the room where we needed to be and this nice lady came and she said your spending the day with us kieran come with me and off he went and didnt say a word .When i went to pick him up he said that he d had a good day but he was never coming again.And they expected me to repeat this procedure daily untill he liked the idea theres no way....He know exactly the next day what the plot was .and if anything it has now broken any trust that he had in me as i decieved him.He always questions where are we going and why.You have to do what you thinks best for your child at the end of the day but this person shouldnt passs opinions theres to many of them.Kieran hardly ever leaves the house but i accept that its is choice through no fault of his own i dont like it but if he s quite happy and feels safe in his home environment then so be it.

 

 

lynn

[Mumble]

I asked him how J was on the walk and he said oh he had to do as he was told, and he did try to insist on certain paths, but I just said to him no we are going this way, and he was afraid of some dogs but I said he has to get over the fact he has been bitten in the past.

 

J said that he didnt like him and that he doesnt want to go again.

JsMum,

 

I don't know you or your son, but please don't make your son go with someone who seems to lack basic common sense, let alone any understanding of what his role as a support worker should be. I'm 28 and terrifed of dogs, maybe I've made it worse by not confronting this issue, but it's not something you can just 'get over', particularly when a fairly rationale cause and effect fear is extended through heightened autistic fears. As for walking on certain paths, again, I do this, and to force him to go another way without any preparation or rational reason is horrendous. I suspect that J saying he doesn't want to go again is one of the few ways he can try to put what he is feeling into words. Not only should he not go again, but this support worker should be reported to whoever his employer is or possibly higher.

 

He suggested I read a couple of puppy handbooks and maybe put some of those in place with J, so now all parents shouldnt buy parenting books but books that are for Dogs!!!

I thought this was a typing error when I first read it or perhaps 'puppy handbooks' was a phrase I should not read literally and that it means something else, but it seems from others' replies that it does mean just that - dog training. Horrendous.

 

Angry Mumble

[JsMum]

Hi Mumble

 

I was very careful with the introducing to dogs after he had been bitten by a dog, because I know that sometime fear in itself can be more physically damaging than the actual event.

 

so I introduced dogs slowly, he has been bitten three times and all by sheep dogs, we think its the red fox in him, that red hair of his.

 

J isnt nessasarily in a panic around Dogs, except sheepdogs but he has recently strocked a few that are near owners and on leads but today on the walk these dogs where loose and running, which will lead J to panic.

 

The issue about the paths, is that he doesnt like unfamliar places and will go down paths he knows there is an exit, or an end to it, but if it looks like it will lead you to getting lost then he does panic as he has a real fear of been lost or trapped.

 

J said he did tell the sessional worker he didnt like going down paths he had hadnt been down, but the man ignored him and insisted he go his way.

 

I must admit in previous walks I do go the way J directs only because he is feeling more calmer, going a way that J doesnt feel confident about gets J all stressed and in the past full blown panic and I have left him before now only for him to totally loose me which isnt safe to do in the middle of a wood.

 

So yes J does have a lot of say where he goes on our walks, its a circular walk anyway but with several routes, its all starting and ending the same so I dont see the issue if J chooses the path.

 

I am going to write a letter of complaint, but I did ask for the support worker to have knowledge of ADHD and Autism and they said that he would, but I feel that isnt the case with this sessional worker.

 

I also have researched a lot on boundaries and I know that I have to be careful especially as J has both ADHD/ODD I have to be careful I dont enforce to many rules that it is hard to get one rule enfored throw more defiance, I find with J giving explanations to tasks and a choice then he is more willing to do certain things, he does have a real issue with control and so I use that to get some of the tasks met.

 

I have kind of learnt that by negotiation and comprimise I do get a lot more out of J than if I was just blunt and cold.

 

I also feel that yes younger children we can get them to conform with fear and bullying tactics but what about when there older teens and more ready to stand up to the bullying adult.

 

I dont honestly feel that I do need to place more boundaries and if anything since reading the book I am reading I need to give more understanding and help J see how his behaviour effects the relationship when he is hitting out and to support him with his anxieties and give him better ways of coping so I know that for J boundaries are not what is needed but support.

 

JsMum

[bid]

Blimey!! There you go...now we all know where we've been going wrong all this time! We should have been reading Barbara Woodhouse!

 

Now, I'm all for boundaries, etc, but this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.

 

Personally, I would make a formal complaint and refuse to let J go out with him again. I would also ask SS what ASD-specific training this geezer has completed!

 

Ooh, I'm so on your behalf <'>

 

This is completely unaccepatable, and will only result in greater behavioural problems after his 'respite'.

 

Bidx <'>

[JsMum]

Thanks bid for your support, I have already done the letter of complaint and its going to the boss tomorrow, might email it to him as well as send in the post due to further flood warnings here.

 

J has been very subjude and upset and has complained of a tummyache, which is anxiety, he hasnt been himself, and in the last hour he just keeps going to the window, looks at the sky and talks about tornadoes and gray clouds and what could happen if this happens and what if that happens.

 

Another thing the sessional worker said was that J was very inquisitive and was asking loads of questions, one after the other, he said this isnt usual of those with Autism to do this? that surely cant be true but is there any AS/ASD children here who are inquisative?

 

I am not sure that the sessional worker will of had to have autistic specific training, the info was that he was experienced with kids with ADHD/ASD

my worry is if this worker believes half the kids he works with have nothing more than the effects of no boundaries so how can he help them.

 

JsMum

Edited July 1, 2007 by JsMum

[Mumble]

Another thing the sessional worker said was that J was very inquisitive and was asking loads of questions, one after the other, he said this isnt usual of those with Autism to do this? that surely cant be true but is there any AS/ASD children here who are inquisative?

Asking incescent questions is an AS thing - but it's as much about answers as it is about control and knowing what is going to happen. This is why some AS individuals ask the same question over and over again - because they can predict (at least until the person they are asking gets annoyed!) the response as they've heard it before. I'm very good (bad?) on the what will happen if questions. I did have to smile at the tornado bit because I've been looking out of my window rather apprehensibly today, plus my supervisor gets exacerbated at my 'but what will happen in a year and a half', 'what will happen if this course is cancelled', 'what will happen if I do x', 'what will happen if I choose not to do y' questions!!

[llisa32]

J's mum...as you know my J is as yet undiagnosed with anything but we suspect aspergers.

 

He asks incessant questions!...sometimes without even waiting for the answer before asking another!...you get breathless without even speaking if you know what I mean

 

I think we can well and truely assume that the guy who provided respite this weekend was clueless/thoughtless and really not worth to call himself a 'respite worker'

 

I hope your email and complaint gets him at least a written warning.

[Clare63]

JSMum, how awful for you and your lad J, sounds like this guy could cause more bad than good and its important that his superiors are made aware of his opinions and the assumptions and judgements he is making. He probably thought he was being helpful....not, a bit of a "do gooder" getting it all wrong, then of course who is left to pick up all the pieces.

 

Hope J recovers without too much upset from this expereince.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[Bullet]

I used to ask the same questions over and over. Not as much now, but it can happen. I do like reading stories over and over again though.

I will have to remember that when, like today, Tom gets completely upset and sobs uncontrollably for ages at a soft play centre and he doesn't understand and can't be comforted easily that I should just instill firm boundaries. When I tell him he's going to nursery and he then gets confused because his dad hasn't gone to work it's because I'm not being firm enough. When he takes out all the sauce sachets in the pub and puts them in a rectangle shape and then names all the colours, but doesn't ask any questions, or tell others what he wants, that's because I let him get away with murder. Never mind the fact that he is taught right from wrong, he does have firm rules and boundaries in place and yet, I honestly can't understand it, he's STILL on the spectrum .

Strong sense of sarcasm needed for that post .

Edited July 1, 2007 by Bullet

[soraya]

Do you have a local branch of the autistic society in your area? My son Nick refuses to go to school at the moment and our childrens services pay for a support worker from the society to come into the home and work with Nick. We have only had one session but they were really good and they have all had ASD training. On the first visit nick ran into his room and refused to come out, but they managed to talk him out {success indeed for Nick!!} Anyway anything is worth a try, the bloke you had was a total usless idiot!!

[Bagpuss]

JsMum <'> <'> <'>

[hev]

js mum do not doubt yourself,you do a brilliant job <'> <'>

ask for another respite worker,that one sounds awful and will do more harm than good to j any you keep strong lovey <'>

[Kazzer]

This is what was said by Js support worker today, that he cant have a disability that he just more boundaries placed thats all, this man has only looked after him for 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today, so there you go, he asked me what parenting courses I had been on, I told him family links and familys first a very intensive programme, he said the only one that is really any good is the three Ps suggested maybe this one is the one for Me./

 

He suggested I read a couple of puppy handbooks and maybe put some of those in place with J, so now all parents shouldnt buy parenting books but books that are for Dogs!!!

 

He said why doesnt J go to school, I said that he finds it very stressful and he refuses to go, he then replied he wouldnt give him a choice, he would go if he was to look after him, by force maybe but what about once there, he refuses to work and listen amd his behaviour is really agitated when he returns, he asked me about his behaviour at school, and I said he doesnt co operate, he struggles with reading and socialising, that he doesnt do as his told, oh well he isnt as bad as the children as I work with then, I dont really know what kind of kids he works with but I get a feeling not kids who have special needs.

 

He said that he certainly doesnt need a PRU place as he would learn more bad behaviour!

 

I asked him how J was on the walk and he said oh he had to do as he was told, and he did try to insist on certain paths, but I just said to him no we are going this way, and he was afraid of some dogs but I said he has to get over the fact he has been bitten in the past.

 

J said that he didnt like him and that he doesnt want to go again.

 

The support worker said J just has a lot of energy and maybe because its more than I have then it may feel like he is hyper!!!!!??? believe me I cycle everywhere, I am fit and in shape, not like this geaser who couldnt even keep up with J for more than half an hour yesterday yet the reason he seems hyper is because maybe I am not that Fit? Js psychiatrist actually thinks I also have ADHD and there is a big possibilty?

 

He has said that from what he see he isnt ADHD or autistic and just needs more boundaries, the fact he has seen two different psychiatrists, and three peadatritions who said he has both then I dont see how he can pass judgement on a 4 hour period.

 

I felt really hurt and I only have this guy because it was instead of him going into full time care, I feel now that if at the end of the day he is the way he is because of the way I parent him and I am not placing down rules then I think it may be best for him if he did go into care if I am doing such a bad job, I said this to this guy and he then said " your not doing anything wrong "??/' confused or what.

 

So do I give up or what?

 

JsMum

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I wonder how many of us have had the finger pointed at us, questioning our parenting skills? I have on numberous occasions. Frankly, it's insulting and infuriating. Main thing to remember is that these people have no idea what life is like bringing us an ASD child. They may also have letters after their names, read a lot of books, but as regards practical experience - zero!!! I've been in a situation recently when I asked a clinical psychologist to leave my house. I was so angry that she said my anxiety caused my son to attempt to run on the road in front on an oncoming van. She had a short memory because she said she felt very uneasy. My response was that of course I'm never entirely at ease because my son is very unpredictable. Had I not learnt to be aware and be on my guard without being over anxious, I'd had been sectioned!!!

 

I guess they have to question some things, some resolutions may be obvious to some but no others. I've frequently found myself having to dig my heels in and say 'well, no this isn't my fault' and give my reasons. Not a pleasant situation to be in.

 

At the end of the day, I'm sure, like us all of this forum, we do our best as parents. We need support and encouragement, not some know it all putting us down.

 

Keep your chin up and don't let anyone put you down. The fact your child has an ASD and behaves in a particular way is not your doing.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[mandyque]

I know a number of children with ASD who ask lots of questions, a lot of it is about reassurance, they need to hear the same answer over and over again. Otherwise it can sometimes be a way that they have figured out to try to have a conversation with someone, one particular boy I know stopped me in school shortly after I had split from my ex husband and was asking me lots of questions about my family, where is your kid, where is your mum, where is your husband etc. The last one really threw me at the time and I had to hurry away

[wishingwell]

Shocking!!! but not surprising,

 

Report this fool to his superiors

 

He will do more harm than good.

 

Don't let him think he can talk cr-p to other kids and parents.

 

Your a great mum other wise u would have believed this cr-p! <'> <'> <'>