He has no friends

[soraya]

I really really hate the school hols. Nick has no friends and now he is 14 it is not cool to go out with your mum. He is so fed up, no one wants to hang out with him as his behaviour scares other kids, he is so manipulative and obbsessive with friends that he drives them all away. Today he has phoned two boys that he has played football with in the past, but they are both "busy" all week, it breaks my heart as he should be out and about having a good time with his mates at 14 I know tommorow will be a bad day as he is in a foul mood and headed for a huge meltdown. HELP!!!

[oxgirl]

Hi soraya,

No help to you, but I'm in exactly the same position. My Jay is 14 and hasn't a friend in the world and it's heartbreaking, isn't it. Everywhere I go he has to drag around with me. Yesterday I was driving along and I saw four kids walking along the road, arm in arm laughing and joking and it really got to me. It should be him, I thought, walking along with his friends and having some freedom and some fun instead of traisping round with me. So, I know exactly how you feel, but haven't a clue what to do about it either.

In a way it's easier for us, Jay is happy and relaxed at the mo and not really realizing what he's missing out on and not yearning for friends at the moment, but he has got very depressed about it in the past. We're having a nice half-term together just the two of us, tbh, but I'm very aware that it's not how I'd want it to be for him.

Hope you can find things that you can enjoy together. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Kinda]

Soraya

 

I know this doesn't help you but if you can encourage him to do some hobby that doesn't rely on friendship may help. My son is the same and I posted recently about it and someone suggested he may actually be happier in his own company. At first I was a bit upset but I have tended to view it more this way and when he complains about no friends it tends to be when he is bored or depressed otherwise it doesn't bother him.

 

I'm afraid there isn't much you can do other than encourage him to keep trying and develop and alternative hobby that doesn't rely on anyone else.

[hev]

i used to get very choked watching kids steves age play football or if i saw teenagers in town together it can be heartbreaking for parents i do think though i found it more upsetting than steveb,hes got friends now but unfortunately they are the wrong type of friends for him cant win sometimes!!

[forbsay]

My son does not have any friends either. I get sad watching other kids walking about with their mates or playing football...................

[JsMum]

I have an idea about this situation, could your children not set up a youth group for other children who have similair difficulties and slowly build up enough to do activities, I bet you that there is other children the same age in the same situation, finding friends is very difficult but maybe that is because they are expected to socialise just like a NT child and they cant manage it.

 

Just a thought, there is a brilliant website where a project started because simply there children had no one to play with now the project has a waiting list that many want to join.

 

JsMum

[JsMum]

This is a similair website that I was trying to explain, take a look.

 

http://www.hopeforautism.org.uk/services.html

 

Its what could be invented in your area if there was enough of you.

 

JsMum

[pearl]

I think you've struck a chord with many here soraya, I too can remember so many holidays when it was just me & JP. One in particular sticks in my mind, at the height of his house for sale obsession we spent half term visiting different estate agents, he was perfectly happy but we were passing his classmates playing on the street & it was so hard, & I also felt sorry for myself too, imagining their mums watching a vid with their kids off their hands!

 

He still doesnt have what I'd call a hugely active social life, he doesnt do the pubbing/clubbing of most men his age (but tbh I'm quite glad about that). His social life revolves around activities such as youth group & taekwondo, & of course more recently, work, so really things are looking up as he gets older. The most important thing is that he seems fairly content with life.

[Clare63]

Hi soraya,

No help to you, but I'm in exactly the same position. My Jay is 14 and hasn't a friend in the world and it's heartbreaking, isn't it. Everywhere I go he has to drag around with me. Yesterday I was driving along and I saw four kids walking along the road, arm in arm laughing and joking and it really got to me. It should be him, I thought, walking along with his friends and having some freedom and some fun instead of traisping round with me. So, I know exactly how you feel, but haven't a clue what to do about it either.

In a way it's easier for us, Jay is happy and relaxed at the mo and not really realizing what he's missing out on and not yearning for friends at the moment, but he has got very depressed about it in the past. We're having a nice half-term together just the two of us, tbh, but I'm very aware that it's not how I'd want it to be for him.

Hope you can find things that you can enjoy together. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

Exactly the same here .....

[caz2007]

same i never had any friends where i live.

i often feel better on my own. (23)

caroline

[mossgrove]

Exactly the same x2!

 

Our two Autistic Boys are younger 10 and 8. The eldest desperately wants friends but his behaviours alienate people and he has almost no social skills, which is hearbreaking. The youngest appears largely unconcerned by his lack of friends as he finds life simpler without them.

 

The only thing saving the situation at the moment is they are very good friends with each other, albeit with the usual sibling arguments and they have younger siblings giving them a toe-hold inthe world of social activity.

 

There are evident difficulties in having two autistic children, and the fact that they are both autistic would not automatically mean they would play well together, but I do sometimes wonder how we would have managed if only one of our four children was autstic!

 

Simon

[oxgirl]

I'm quite down about this two week hol, actually. It seems like a long time to occupy him. Jay is very bored at the mo, lonely and depressed and doesn't know what to do with himself. I can't motivate him to do anything or go anywhere and I'm worried that it's going to be a very long week of boredom and isolation. I've booked him on a three-day animation workshop for the second week, 10a.m. - 3p.m. He's never done anything like this before, or anything for so long, longest he ever did playscheme for was two hours, so I'm just hoping he'll enjoy it and cope okay. Apart from that, we have nothing going on and nowhere to go for the rest of the long, long days.

 

~ Mel ~

[alanm]

Yesterday I was driving along and I saw four kids walking along the road, arm in arm laughing and joking and it really got to me. It should be him, I thought, walking along with his friends and having some freedom and some fun instead of traisping round with me. So, I know exactly how you feel, but haven't a clue what to do about it either.

Hi there, had just read the boards back and found this thread. I thought I'd post as I empathise from my own experience, having been there as a shy teenager myself, but now having an enjoyable social life in my 30s. My parents did worry, I was bullied at school myself, and after bad experiences when I'd invited any of the handful of friends I did have home I stopped doing so, and my leisure time at home became retreating into my room with computer games and music.

 

JP still doesnt have what I'd call a hugely active social life, he doesnt do the pubbing/clubbing of most men his age (but tbh I'm quite glad about that). His social life revolves around activities such as youth group & taekwondo, & of course more recently, work, so really things are looking up as he gets older. The most important thing is that he seems fairly content with life.

Hi Pearl, nice positive post about JP's experience. Leaving home as a student helped me to come out of myself more. In those student days I was doing the said "pubbing / clubbing", I didn't like a lot of that in itself, but was at least glad to meet new people as I hadn't in my earlier teens. Student peers inevitably tried to get me on the alcohol, which I didn't like anyway, but had occasional "last laughs" when I watched some them make fools of themselves while I was sober yet still able to enjoy conversations without the need to be drunk. In my mid 20s when I'd moved for a change of jobs and didn't know anyone in my new area I joined the local branch of a social club "Plus" and 11 years on I'm still there, and I also like "Northern Soul" music a lot so I go to dance nights dedicated to this, which are much friendlier than conventional pubbing / clubbing with its emphasis on binge drinking.

 

It is now ironic that while in my teens my parents were worrying I would have an "all work and no play" adult life, I'm now enjoying my play while struggling with finding work, when "good communication skills" is spewed in job adverts 19 to the dozen. I just wanted to send positive thoughts to the AS teens and parents on the thread, as I'm talking from experience.

 

Alan

Edited April 21, 2008 by alanm

[oxgirl]

Hi there, had just read the boards back and found this thread. I thought I'd post as I empathise from my own experience, having been there as a shy teenager myself, but now having an enjoyable social life in my 30s. My parents did worry, I was bullied at school myself, and after bad experiences when I'd invited any of the handful of friends I did have home I stopped doing so, and my leisure time at home became retreating into my room with computer games and music.

 

Alan, it is really heartwarming to read your post, thanks so much for posting. It gives those of us with lonely teenagers hope that they can be happy and have a good social life when they're older. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[soraya]

Again thanks Alan for taking the time to tell us about your experiences, it is good to know that there is hope for our boys. Thanks again

[soraya]

By the way Oxgirl, how did Jay do on his animation workshop?

[oxgirl]

By the way Oxgirl, how did Jay do on his animation workshop?

 

 

Soraya, I posted a thread about it, I felt very sad about it. The first day he was happy and interested in the work they were doing, the second he was okay and then the third he came home really depressed. He asked me on the way home if it was for Aspie kids or 'normal' kids and I said it was for all kids. He got really upset and told me they must have thought he was really boring and weird 'cos he hadn't wanted to play outside at lunchtime with them and that he is different from all of them and weird and he was very down and tearful about it and about himself. I ended up regretting sending him really, because, although he'd enjoyed it at first, it just ended up making him feel more unhappy and more lonely and I couldn't help feeling he would have been better off in his garden with his snails. It just feels sometimes like putting into these positions where he is 'with' other kids just highlights to him how different and left out and on the outside he really is, it really brings it home to him and makes him feel worse about himself.

 

How did the hols go for you and your lad in the end?? <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[ogsplosh]

My husband has undiagnosed AS and has just joined a group for 'gamers'. they all do roleplaying and warhammer 40k. The games rely on dice rolls and mesureing how far army can move. The players rely on knowing to rules insideout and back to front. While there it turned out that all but one person there had AS!! It seams to be a popular game for boys who love rules and measuring things. The only thing is that it can be expensive to buy the armies. Just wondered if he has any hobbies that he can join clubs for?

[oxgirl]

My husband has undiagnosed AS and has just joined a group for 'gamers'. they all do roleplaying and warhammer 40k. The games rely on dice rolls and mesureing how far army can move. The players rely on knowing to rules insideout and back to front. While there it turned out that all but one person there had AS!! It seams to be a popular game for boys who love rules and measuring things. The only thing is that it can be expensive to buy the armies. Just wondered if he has any hobbies that he can join clubs for?

 

Thanks for that, ogsplosh, glad your hubby has found an interest and somewhere that he can go to have fun. My lad's obsession at the moment is snails. He'd happily spend hours and hours examining and watching them and that's all! I took him to a little 'wildlife' show thingy at our local garden centre last week. It was full of noisy little four year olds and chattering mums. The first thing the woman bought out of her little box was a massive African Land Snail. My lad's hand shot up so fast you wouldn't believe it, he practically launched himself out of his seat. We were right at the back and he practically ploughed his way through the hoards knocking toddlers left and right to get to the front of the line to hold this snail. I took a photo of him holding it and the absolute look of pure adoration on his face is, well, a picture!! I so wish he had a hobby that is more easily shared with others, but it ain't happening at the moment. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[smiley]

<'> <'>

 

How about finding other families like you in your area?

 

I help run a group for exactly that reason - and now we all have a better social life than the NTs!

[hev]

ive always wanted to set up a group but it always seems so daunting,even finding a venue seems so hard,i wish i had the get up and go to do it!!

[ScienceGeek]

My husband has undiagnosed AS and has just joined a group for 'gamers'. they all do roleplaying and warhammer 40k. The games rely on dice rolls and mesureing how far army can move. The players rely on knowing to rules insideout and back to front. While there it turned out that all but one person there had AS!! It seams to be a popular game for boys who love rules and measuring things. The only thing is that it can be expensive to buy the armies. Just wondered if he has any hobbies that he can join clubs for?

 

I used to play warhammer 40k! In fact I was one of the founders of the warhammer club at my secondary school I don't play it at the moment as I don't have an army and no money to purchase one. I would like to get back into it as well as D&D but it will be a while until I can afford to do so.

[oxgirl]

How about finding other families like you in your area?

 

I've tried looking into that, the kids are so different they don't gel and when we've gone along to group activities in the nearby city everyone just stays in their little family group and don't mix with each other.

 

~ Mel ~

[soraya]

Soraya, I posted a thread about it, I felt very sad about it. The first day he was happy and interested in the work they were doing, the second he was okay and then the third he came home really depressed. He asked me on the way home if it was for Aspie kids or 'normal' kids and I said it was for all kids. He got really upset and told me they must have thought he was really boring and weird 'cos he hadn't wanted to play outside at lunchtime with them and that he is different from all of them and weird and he was very down and tearful about it and about himself. I ended up regretting sending him really, because, although he'd enjoyed it at first, it just ended up making him feel more unhappy and more lonely and I couldn't help feeling he would have been better off in his garden with his snails. It just feels sometimes like putting into these positions where he is 'with' other kids just highlights to him how different and left out and on the outside he really is, it really brings it home to him and makes him feel worse about himself.

 

How did the hols go for you and your lad in the end?? <'>

 

~ Mel ~

Hi Oxgirl, I know how you feel, l have tried lots of activities for Nick and it always ends up the same as it did with you and Jay, it starts off well but by the third day he is arguing with everyone, and then he gets fed up!!Our hols were ok, he spent a lot of it fishing which he loves, but it is a very lonely sport, l wish he was out and about with friends but he seems happy with his fishing rod and gameboy!!! A bit like Jay and his snails, i suppose if they are happy we should stop worrying, although Nick would love some friends, but as you say it highlights how different they are and then they feel very down. Nick is due to start a new school on monday so fingers crossed, mind you i dont hold out much hope as it is an EBD school and the kids are pretty awfull, mind you Nick can be pretty bad himself, he attacked me on saturday during a huge meltdown and i nearly called the police. Anyway heres to a calm day, take care <'> <'>

[alanm]

Alan, it is really heartwarming to read your post, thanks so much for posting. It gives those of us with lonely teenagers hope that they can be happy and have a good social life when they're older.

 

Again thanks Alan for taking the time to tell us about your experiences, it is good to know that there is hope for our boys.

I was glad to post precisely for this reason, as an AS adult who has had a positive experience which I could see tied in with the thread.

 

All the best

 

Alan

[oxgirl]

Hi Oxgirl, I know how you feel, l have tried lots of activities for Nick and it always ends up the same as it did with you and Jay, it starts off well but by the third day he is arguing with everyone, and then he gets fed up!!Our hols were ok, he spent a lot of it fishing which he loves, but it is a very lonely sport, l wish he was out and about with friends but he seems happy with his fishing rod and gameboy!!! A bit like Jay and his snails, i suppose if they are happy we should stop worrying, although Nick would love some friends, but as you say it highlights how different they are and then they feel very down. Nick is due to start a new school on monday so fingers crossed, mind you i dont hold out much hope as it is an EBD school and the kids are pretty awfull, mind you Nick can be pretty bad himself, he attacked me on saturday during a huge meltdown and i nearly called the police. Anyway heres to a calm day, take care <'> <'>

 

Oh, soraya, so sorry to hear about Nick attacking you, hope you're okay. <'> Really hope the new school works out well. Jay went off to school today in the most foul mood.

 

~ Mel ~

[notfootball]

I just signed up to say that this thread made me look at my mother in a new light.

oxgirl, soraya, thanks.

[oxgirl]

I just signed up to say that this thread made me look at my mother in a new light.

oxgirl, soraya, thanks.

 

 

Hi there, and welcome. Hope you stick around, there are lots of great people on this forum, mums and dads and aspies, we're all one big family. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[notfootball]

I'm not sure I have anything of use to contribute, but I'll stay for the time being.

[Bard]

You never know when something you post might be useful or not. Sometimes sharing good things helps, but so does asking questions and sharing the harder times.

This forum is such a mixture, rather than just parents, and that is its strength. I've learnt a lot about all sorts of stuff, and its been very helpful. My B is 13, so I'll be hanging around here more as the years roll on.

Stick around!