letting ASD son out to play

[forbsay]

Before M used to be quite happy to play inside. However, now he wants out in the front garden and street to play. It is a nightmare as we have to watch his every move. His wee sister (NT) goes out to play as well and i think this is really important for her.

 

However, some of the kids are making fun of M. I don't know what to do. M doesn't know that they are doing this. Do I say something to them or not?

 

Forbsay

[brooke]

Im sorry forbsay this is a tough one <'> <'> We only have a back yard at the mo and i think my son is going to want to start playing out soon too so we are wanting to move so we can at least have a garden. Im sorry i dont have any good advice but im sure there are people on here who will have. As for the other kids personally i would mention it to them make them aware and maybe they will be think twice about being mean.

[hev]

oh forbsay i remember this problem so well,we lived in a cul de sac when steve was little,steve wanted to go and play like the other kids but it was a nightmare,i used to be living on my nerves,kids taking mickey,steve not realise,steve fighting with other kids,neighbours knocking on my door telling me hed been naughty so me having big rows with neighbours,in the end i used to not let him out but it was such a lonely life for him staying in,i have no advice but i do know how you feel <'>

[Shnoing]

Aspie children often do not realize that they are being bullied or made fun of. But I think you should approach the problem by telling the other children off for their behaviour. You wouldn't tolerate them pushing someone in a wheelchair onto the street, either.

[Enid]

Hi. I also live in cul de sac, with small park on the corner, its a nightmare as hev says, I hide round coner and watch, ring neighbours who can see park, drag other kds up there, on on, i used to be able to say, youre not going out, but cant at mo, he will just go, so I "allow" him and yes he is used and picked on, and other parents knock on door, love it when it rains as he stays in, at the mo he is obsessed with "playing out with my mates" but like all his obsessions it will probably loose the novelty factor in time, bring it on :whistle Enid

[Cat]

Playing outside did not come easy to my son, we have had some really bad times through his need to play out, it is something which he has had to keep trying at for years but he does now play very well outside. I have sat in a deck chair in the freezing cold with a blanket wrapped round me. Washed the car everyday for a week and hand cut every blade of grass just so that I could keep in in my sight but he got there in the end. In fact the local kids call for him now and accept him warts and all. We live in a Close like a horse shoe so it is fairly easy to track him, although he does know where he is and is not allowed to play. At the end of the day he has to live in this mainstream world.

 

Cat

[jo4themo]

We live on a small new-build estate (part social housing, part private) and we have a play area right outside the front of our house - there is a road on the other side and it is not fenced in although the council came 6 weeks ago and put a gate up (still waiting for the fence!!). I let C (age 7 NT) out there sometimes (normally if she has a friend with her)as I can keep an eye on her from the kitchen. N only ever plays out there if I (or my hubby) is out there with her as she has a poor sense of danger and could step out into the road without looking if she is distracted by something on the other side. Also, she is very easily led and we have a few children around our way who would use this to get her to do things which are naughty (this has happened before). Mind you, she doesn't like going out the front as she prefers to go in our back garden after school as there is plenty of shade out there by then.

I agree with the others though, keep an eye on him from inside the house and if something happens confront the child, or have a word with the child's parents. Our next-door neighbours son knows about N and understands if she doesn't alwaya say hello to him if he sees her.

[oxgirl]

I've never had to deal with this as my lad never had the inclination or the confidence/independence skills to play out anyway, even if there had been some children to play with, which there never were.

 

Aaaaaaanyhow, maybe you could get the other kids on side? How about inviting some of them into your garden and being really, really sweet to them, make friends with them yourself. If you get them to like you first then it might make them more inclined to be nice to him when he plays out your sake, iyswim. I've used this method of reverse psychology at school before now and it's worked a treat!

 

~ Mel ~

[stressedmumto2]

Oxgirl what you have suggested is exactly what I did. Two years ago I would invite the children in to play in the garden and then gradually let my son out to play whilst frequently checking on him and talking to the other children aswell, my son mind was an escapee so it was never easy as he always wanted to be out!!

 

My son will now play out in the street quite happily and many of the children will leave him alone in the teasing sense and play nicely with him, occasionaly there are a few problems but overall I think it has really helped his confidence and social skills to be able to mix with the other children.

 

I think if you can allow your son to play out and can supervise alot at first it certainly does help hem to develop, I have a friend whose son is in class with my son at school, this lad has never played out and now mum is seriously worried as he doesn't want to go out and she thinks he doesn't have the skills, if he comes over to my house when the other children are playing out he wants to play out with them but mum gets anxious, it's very tricky but I think you should give it a go <'>

[Cat]

stressedmumto2 we organised games, treasure hunts and organised car washing to the point that I felt like an un-official play leader but it worked. I would never force a child to play out who did not want to. My elder son never wanted to play out so it was not a problem with him. The youngest however was desperate to play out and have friends. We have had some HUGE meltdowns and for a period he was sent to Coventry by some parents who would not let their kids play with him that was really hard for him to ge through but he did.

 

As I type this post his is playing footie on the field which is at the front of our Close. It is a lovely evening and three young men attending a neighbours BBQ have just joined in with their game and DS3 took it in his stride. I have no doubt that being able to play out has helped DS3 with his social and interaction skills. He was signed for a footie team this week and that was one of his BIG ambitions to be able to play on an ordinary footie team just like other lads.

 

Cat

[Enid]

Well done Cat, good advice, my DS is also playing out at mo, I cant actually see him as park is just out of line of sight, but very good neighbour is keeping weather eye on him and he has to be home in 10 mins. Enid

[oxgirl]

I think if you can allow your son to play out and can supervise alot at first it certainly does help hem to develop, I have a friend whose son is in class with my son at school, this lad has never played out and now mum is seriously worried as he doesn't want to go out and she thinks he doesn't have the skills, if he comes over to my house when the other children are playing out he wants to play out with them but mum gets anxious, it's very tricky but I think you should give it a go <'>

 

It's not that I'm holding him back from playing out, like he's raring to go and I'm reining him in. There are some younger kids up the road who play outside but he has no interest or desire, it wouldn't even cross his mind, and he wouldn't have a clue what to do with them anyway. He never could play in the playground, he'd walk around the outside edge on his own with his plastic bugs, he's never been able to interract with kids and now he's 14, it's not like there are other 14 year olds playing outside, they're all 6, 7, 8 trolling up and down on their scooters and bikes and he has no interest in either. The time and opportunity has now passed by for us, but to be honest, he doesn't know what he's missed out on and he's not bothered either way.

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Forbsay <'> Total minefield isn't it

 

Our eldest DD (AS 10) plays out, but I'm always on alert for possible probs. Our house has a large green area at the front, where all the local kiddies congregate, either going round it on their bikes/scooters or playing games etc and a park at the back. She is allowed to go to both, unsupervised, so long as she is with a friend or friends. She has friends who live literally doors away, in the same class, but now their parents are allowing them to go and call for other friends, who live in the different parts of our town, and I have to say no to DD. Her friends are now exploring the "embankments" at the rear of our house. I used to allow DD to go too, believing she was literally in a wooded area near our back garden, but then discovered these "embankments" went much further, into very heavily secluded wooded areas, so I had to put a stop to it. Now she feels she is the only one who isn't allowed to go far, and it's recently become an issue. I just don't feel comfortable with it, and feel she is far too trusting and naive. It's so hard to find the right balance. I know my DS (NT 14) had far more freedom at her age, but I felt he was far more street wise. She also struggles with group games out the front, trying to understand intricate rules etc, but she now tends to just come in when she's had enough. I'm worried her friends may outgrow her if we place limitations on where she can go and what she can do, and already I've noticed less people calling for her, so it's something I'm struggling with.

 

Our youngest DD (ASD 7) stays either in our back garden or our front garden. She is allowed out the front when either DH or I are with her. She has no awareness of danger and cannot be left unsupervised at all. She is now though become more aware of children her own age and younger being out the front, on their bikes and scooters, playing with other children, and I feel heartbroken by it. I can't imagine her EVER being able to play out, and up until now she was completely unaware, but now, she's not. She kinda ducks down now when she is out the front and another kiddie goes past, or hides from them. She also runs indoors if a neighbour goes past. Sometimes another kiddie will stop as they are going past to talk to her, and if she's not hiding from them, and she tries to make conversation they sort of give her a weird look and cycle/run off. It hurts

 

I've no advice for you Forbsay, but just wanted to share our experience and to let you know I kinda understand <'>

Edited May 10, 2008 by Bagpuss

[baddad]

A nightmare, this one

My little fella (and me) have wept buckets over the little patch of grass outside our front door. For years he's watched every other kid using it, been desperate to join in and been broken hearted when I've had to intervene to protect him.

In the past year/18 mths he's made a couple of REAL friends - not fair weather ones who want to play with his bike or trampoline and then dump him/take the **** when something better shows up or take him somewhere out of sight and bully him, but real ones...

Thing is, as i said in a 'bullying' thread the other week, those kids own that patch of grass but have nothing else. Their parents ignore them pretty much all of the time and when we go out for the day they'll be there when we go and there when we get back. It took years for Ben to see the value of that, and now that he has these real friends who regularly join us he has the icing on the cake. We still have the occassional upset when one of the ne'er do wells knocks on the door and I have to say 'no' (oddly, that happened this arvo but Ben was having a golf lesson so wasn't in!), but it's nowhere near as difficult.

TYhe real friends take time, but he'll get there. Meanwhile, all you can do is fill the gap the best you can. Chances are that'll be better than many kids get, but he won't be able to 'see' that until the other options are in place for him

 

Hope that helps

 

 

[Bard]

It's not that I'm holding him back from playing out, like he's raring to go and I'm reining him in. There are some younger kids up the road who play outside but he has no interest or desire, it wouldn't even cross his mind, and he wouldn't have a clue what to do with them anyway. He never could play in the playground, he'd walk around the outside edge on his own with his plastic bugs, he's never been able to interract with kids and now he's 14, it's not like there are other 14 year olds playing outside, they're all 6, 7, 8 trolling up and down on their scooters and bikes and he has no interest in either. The time and opportunity has now passed by for us, but to be honest, he doesn't know what he's missed out on and he's not bothered either way.

 

~ Mel ~

 

mel, don't , that's exactly what B is like and he's not bothered either!

He enjoys being with others in a loosely- supervised activity, or on his own, but random playing out never interested him, and nor did other children for years. he likes to be a lone explorer, with me within yelling distance if necessary.

He used to say that adventure playgrounds would be fantastic if there were no other children there, and so we often went early or late. He is able to be in a group, go on trips and be with others, but the older he gets the easier it is. The more adult the behaviour of the company, the calmer and happier he is.

He can play with younger children for a while, under 8, but it's more like Gorillas in the Mist. He finds them interesting up to a point but thinks of them as very different to him.

I know that this is only one opinion, and that others will feel that they need to encourage their children to play out and be part of a free-range group, but it didn't work for us and we are happy with the solution we have.

Less blood and bruises for one thing!

Edited May 10, 2008 by Bard

[oxgirl]

mel, don't , that's exactly what B is like and he's not bothered either!

He enjoys being with others in a loosely- supervised activity, or on his own, but random playing out never interested him, and nor did other children for years. he likes to be a lone explorer, with me within yelling distance if necessary.

He used to say that adventure playgrounds would be fantastic if there were no other children there, and so we often went early or late. He is able to be in a group, go on trips and be with others, but the older he gets the easier it is. The more adult the behaviour of the company, the calmer and happier he is.

He can play with younger children for a while, under 8, but it's more like Gorillas in the Mist. He finds them interesting up to a point but thinks of them as very different to him.

I know that this is only one opinion, and that others will feel that they need to encourage their children to play out and be part of a free-range group, but it didn't work for us and we are happy with the solution we have.

Less blood and bruises for one thing!

 

Yeah, I think playing out just wasn't really an option for us and now the time has passed. When I hear about other kids yearning to play out with kids they see outside and having to be held back, it's just a totally different world and experience from ours, it's just not something I can relate to at all. I suppose the idea that we should 'let' him go out and 'join in' and that we're somehow holding him back is just so off the mark as to be laughable. He hasn't a single friend to call on him, nowhere to go out TO, no-one to go out WITH, he's isolated and alone and that's that. It does hurt when I see little kids running around outside and laughing and messing about in the sunshine, but the thought that Jay could or would want to join in with their shenanigans is just an alien concept, it doesn't apply. Even if we walked right past a group of kiddies running or scooting about, he wouldn't in any way connect their playing with himself, iyswim. He wouldn't for a second think, 'oh, I wish I could join in', or 'that looks fun', it's just a totally different world to his, nothing to do with him, he'd just look at them as interesting alien specimens! I'd love it if he could have had that, but he just couldn't.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited May 11, 2008 by oxgirl

[Bard]

Even if we walked right past a group of kiddies running or scooting about, he wouldn't in any way connect their playing with himself, iyswim. He wouldn't for a second think, 'oh, I wish I could join in', or 'that looks fun', it's just a totally different world to his, nothing to do with him, he'd just look at them as interesting alien specimens! I'd love it if he could have had that, but he just couldn't.

 

~ Mel ~

 

That's my point. My B is happy to live his life on his own terms, and all he wants is that others allow him to without being picked on, bullied or laughed at by NT peers. So I let him.

The fact that he doesn't want to be part of a happy mob roaming the streets is fine with me, he knows that it might begin well, but will end with him in major trouble and someone else hurt, so he accepts it with good humour and makes other choices.

My brother is an athletic, sporty, crash-through-that-pain-barrier sort, and always has been. I once sat in the landrover in a force 6+, overlooking Gairloch near Glasgow watching him...windsurfing. Or low-level flying, because it was so rough that the gear was often not touching the surface of the loch. He was very happy, and I had no wish to join him. I would have been very very cross if he'd tried to make me. I was in charge of the thermos flask. No tears or sadness, we were both happy in our own way.

I want B to operate in the world, but I also need him to know that he doesn't have to do everything that he sees others doing. He has choices, and he can say no if something is offered that he doesn't want to take part in. Some things he will have to do as a member of society, others are optional. Playing out with friends, or even having close friends is optional.

<'> Parenting is so hard! There isn't another job on the planet that can break your heart so many times in so many different ways. <'>

[oxgirl]

Parenting is so hard! There isn't another job on the planet that can break your heart so many times in so many different ways. <'>

 

Yep, ya got that right. <'> I always remember crying to Jay's TA about the fact that he didn't have any friends and her turning round and saying, 'well, maybe you should take him out places then'. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Cat]

My middle son never played outside never wanted to and so I never pushed him to. I took my kids out of school because I do not believe that simply sitting in school gives them social skills and I am totally against en-forced socialisation for children with autism. My middle son is almost 21 now and he has the social life that is right for him an elder brother who is happy to facilitate most of his social life.

 

The youngest wanted to play out and so I have done everything that I could to facilitate his needs and it was a desperate need within him to play out and have friends.

 

What I do believe and this probably very contentious is that my youngest has been able to play outside because he is not being made to sit in a school all day that is not meeting his needs. Inclusion to me means that the child is fully included into the community in which they live and not just a mainstream classroom. If inclusion begins and ends in a classroom then what is the point. The energy that I know I would have wasted trying to get DS3 a statement of a placement into a special school I invested in him and what he really wanted to do and that was to fit in but not in a classroom. This has not been at the expense of his academic studies because in some areas he is simply streets ahead of the children he plays out with. DS3 has a knowledge base far ahead of their?s but that is totally unimportant to him play out is.

 

My eldest will never be a social butterfly and that is fine by me. Having to go out and do things he does not want to do creates massive stress and anxiety for him. My youngest is a very different kettle of fish. It?s all about the individual and personalizing what they need ? or so the government tells us anyway.

 

Cat

[forbsay]

Thanks for your replies. It is just a nightmare. He wants to go outside into the street. He does not play with the other kids. He just wants to run around the houses and ring people's doorbells and look in their windows..........................

 

All i do is shout at him when he is out in the street. He runs on the roads etc. But i feel as though i have got to let his wee NT sister out.

 

I think it is because he has no boundaries outside - all he can see is an open street.................

 

He is going to a birthday party today with one of the boys from his special school - i honestly don't know how it is going to go and I am dreading it.

Edited May 11, 2008 by forbsay

[hev]

forbsay i hope the party goes well.

 

i really identified with enid when she said she used to love it raining cos it meant steve wouldnt want to go out,i hated summer,only as hes older ive enjoyed summer again,

[cmuir]

Hi Elaine

 

I must confess that this was one of the main reasons why we moved house. Cul de sac living didn't suit R. Main reason is that because there's generally a lot less traffic going through, parents are happier to let their kids out to play in the street. This suits NT kids, but ASD kids are quite different. I used to sit perched on the doorstep ready to step in and mediate when situations arise - and there were plenty of them. When R had a new toy he'd attract interest, when it was the other way around, they didn't want to know him. In addition, other kids took great delight in running away from him leaving him standing howling. R was oblivious to the fact that they were being downright nasty. Used to make my blood boil. I did make a point of telling the parents that R had AS and what his difficulties were. I explained that socially things can be difficult and perhaps they could have a word with their kids to perhaps be considerate, understanding and a little more tolerant. Hate to say, it didn't make a blind bit of difference.

 

I don't know what to suggest other than perhaps by having the kids play in the back garden. I used to find that this gave me much more control. If I heard another kid step out of line, they were told and I felt at the same time I was protecting R.

 

We used to have an open garden where we weren't supposed to erect fences, but we did. Whilst it didn't guarantee R would step outside, it certainly helped that there was a visible boundary. Had the residents association said anything, I'd have been on them like a ton of bricks!

 

Would introducing some kind of structured play activities help?

 

Hope the little fella enjoys his party.

 

Good luck with this one it's really tricky.

 

Caroline.

Edited May 11, 2008 by cmuir

[stressedmumto2]

I wish in so many ways my son was a bit like a few of your's. Initially I tried to force my son to stay in the garden and my attempts at making the garden a non-escape zone were folied everytime he was left in the garden for just a few moments. I have a big garden so he had the space he had toys to play with and still wans't happy. Most days after school I would take him to the skate park or the beach even in the cold and then I started to invite the other children ino our garden but he would still escape. Some of my very first posts on this board were related to him escaping out of the garden and from the car as I was pulling into my drive desperate to play out with the other children.

 

My son pushes the boundaries, we set times and areas he can safely play outside and he pushes them so that he can go further afield with his friends, mostly to skate parks in our borough, there are about 8, it is quite scary and so often I wish he was just wanting to stay in the garden so at least then I know where he is. the only good side I can say is he does appear very street wise although he is still very vunerable, he can go ino a shop and get me one or two items, he gets confused when paying for items but he's learning and he has made friends.

 

I would never force a child to play out who didn't want to but I would encourage others to come in and play. Parenting is a hard job, so often I think I am doing the wrong thing but who really know's what the right thing is anyway when every child is different. <'>

[pearl]

<'> forbsay <'> this thread takes me back. No answers I'm afraid except it does get easier.