Aspergers and can't laugh?

[Candyfloss]

I can't laugh - I don't understand jokes - and even if I do - I still don't laugh / and even when I do find something funny I have to force myself to laugh - (so I am laughing and feel happy but had to force it?)

 

If there is a really funny video - everyone finds it funny - but me(i have to fake laugh and they can tell) - i want to laugh but can't?

 

I just can't laugh which excludes me an awful lot - why? whats wrong?

[smiley1590]

sometimes i do this fake laugh around others to feel socially 'normal' and fit in not make yourself stand out even further of people ask why didn't you laugh at that? wasn't that funny?! what's wrong with you?! i get scared of judgement and get embarrassed as fear this might actually happen! maybe you are paranoid they know and more sensitive to anxiety putting pressure on yourself when trying to force yourself to laugh we don't understand the reasons behind jokes and sometimes the meanings are too in depth confusing and just too hard to work out! but then 'normal' people sometimes don't laugh at others because don't find jokes funny or don't get them altogether so look at it that way! you need to ease pressure of yourself ... !!! being too hard on you! give yourself a break! maybe close mates get them to explain the joke so you get it then maybe you will 'really' laugh my mum does this with me and it actually works for me maybe hard to actually get courage to ask but once done you feel like everyone else and you won't have to fake! can't hurt asking!

 

good luck

XKLX

[Malcolm Matthews]

I can't laugh - I don't understand jokes - and even if I do - I still don't laugh / and even when I do find something funny I have to force myself to laugh - (so I am laughing and feel happy but had to force it?)

 

If there is a really funny video - everyone finds it funny - but me(i have to fake laugh and they can tell) - i want to laugh but can't?

 

I just can't laugh which excludes me an awful lot - why? whats wrong?

Candyfloss,

 

This is a topic that hits close to home for me. My wife was diagnosed with Asperger's just last year. And what a relief (for both of us)! You see, my wife doesn't laugh either. I'm talking pretty much never. I joke around a lot, but I've never been able to make her laugh. Before her diagnosis, this caused quite a bit of tension for both of us and was one of the big stumbling blocks in our marriage for several years. I was thinking, "What's wrong with this woman. Does she really find me that repulsive that every joke, anecdote, and the occasional tickle is greeted with a stern glare?" Which is to say, please don't take this issue lightly: My marriage could have ended because of it!

 

NTs are used to laughing - it's one of the most socially expected and understood in the wide range of human reaction. For Aspies, it seems to be one of the toughest social cues to guage. And who can blame them? What variety! There's bawdy humour, sarcasm, horse play, farce, parody, puns, teasing, word play, riddles, knock-knock jokes, and serious stories with funny punch lines. There are even bizarre jokes about a priest, a rabbi, and a washing machine agitator.

 

My wife and I have resolved this issue in a variety of ways:

1. She laughs in social situations because she has learned it's expected. This is basically faking it, and she doesn't always get it just right, but so far no one had commented on it. (Although I've seen her giggle when most people would guffaw, and burst into peals of laughter when most people would chuckle.)

2. She follows my cues in social settings and laughs when I do. Of course, I know what she's doing, but no one else is the wiser, so no harm done, and she comes across as a perfectly "normal" socializer.

3. She tries really hard to play with me and our three sons even though it's probably one of the last things she really wants to do. This is also a version of faking it, but it's flattering for me to see her making the effort, and if you fake something long enough, it can often become pretty close to real.

4. She never watches sitcoms or comedies. (Just documentaries and reality TV.)

5. She has a drink or two. (We're not drinkers, but when we're out, one or two glasses of wine relaxes her just enough to let her get in on the laughs.)

6. When I email her, I always use short sentences and lots of emoticons. I tell her as clearly as I can when I'm joking and when I'm serious about something.

 

According to my wife, she does find things funny. She just "laughs on the inside." I think it's because, like you, she's not sure when to laugh and when not to, so it's easier to just keep quiet. Which, of course, means missing out on a lot of the fun and sometimes seeming a little bitter or aloof when she's really not.

 

I'm impressed that you are aware of your situation and that you seem so willing to do something about it. Is there anyone in your social circle you can confide in? Someone who can help you to pick up on the laugh cues in social situations? Do you have a diagnosis? Either way, it might help to open up to close friends and family about this issue. People can be surprisingly understanding and accommodating.

 

I'll also say this: The only thing worse than missing out on the laughs is stressing out about missing out on the laughs! Give yourself some credit. And time. And a break! Laughter doesn't manifest itself the same way for everyone -- esp. for folks on the spectrum. But the good news is that it's not that difficult to learn.

 

-- Malcolm

 

P.S.: I'm not a doctor, a clinician, or a therapist of any kind -- just a guy who has an Aspie wife, two Aspie sons, and a lot of books on ASD, so please take my comments with a micron of salt!

[zenemu]

Again this is one of those things where AS becomes a very personal condition. Not everyone with AS is effected like this. I would say I have a pretty good sense of humour. It often suprises me just how varied the symptgoms can be.

 

Zen

[Special_talent123]

Here is going to sound odd, but when I laugh it means I am nervous or don't understand something people have learnt that lesson of me why i laugh.

[Minime72]

Was just doing a search about AS and laughing and found this thread. Wow Matthew I am SO like your wife! My OH has commented that hes never seen me laugh properly, only taken him 6 years to figure that out! I'm like your wife where its not that I dont find things funny, I laugh inside too but more often than not is when its people are telling you a tale and are laughing telling you the story and I just cant visualise the scenario. Other times it can be inappropriate though I do try to curb it. I laughed in the witness box in court once, didnt go down well!

[Linnet]

I don't laugh unless everone else is laughing and even then I generally don't know why everyone is laughing. I don't watch sitcoms as I've no idea why they are funny but I do like some comedians and find them amusing but they don't make me laugh out loud. My husband and son tell everyone I don't have a sense of humour which I sometimes find a bit hurtful. I do recognise some things are funny - I just don't laugh out loud. I also don't do cheering, whooping, whistling etc. or clapping (other than politely to express appreciation at a concert, for example). Oh, and don't really 'get' emoticons.

 

L x

[lilnicki]

I don't laugh out loud very much at all...... most comedy i don't understand. Monty Python gives me a "happy feeling". I do sometimes laugh if other people are..... I have learned to try and "fit in", because if you don't thats when you get teased or picked on. Someone else mentioned they have been called weirdo alot..... this is the same for me, as well as "freak"

 

Nicki

[bid]

Well, I laugh, a lot!

 

Bid

[cmwoodward]

I totally understand where people are coming from here. When you grow up with aspergers you get so accustomed to just not understanding jokes and being with a group of people who are all laughing and you are just not getting it. Its such a common feeling you don't notice it and can feel strange but good on those odd occassions when you can share laughter with others.

 

I've always had my own sense of humour, but its never noe that I can easily share, or that slips into conversation naturally but it requires me some sort of platform to explain. I did produce a few videos now on YouTube using Xtra normal software that reflect my humour.

 

I think this is an area where there needs to be more awareness. If aspergers people seem aloof, it needs to be understood that its simply that they're not understanding the jokes, it goes too fast and too many unconnected dots to join all in a flash. When you think of it that way its remarkable how anyone can be expected to get jokes at all.

[justine1]

Both my ASD boys laugh alot. They don't always understand jokes but they love progammes like Harry Hill's TV Burps and You've Been framed type things, where people get hurt. They laugh everyday, so its a bit of a surprise reading this post. Maybe there are other underlying causes for someone's lack of laughing but IMO its not related to having an ASD dx.

[bid]

It seems a bit of a generalisation to me

 

I've worked with children and young people across the spectrum for nearly 7 years, and I can only think of two with profound autism who I never saw laugh.

 

Of those people in my own life with AS, I only know of one who I would describe as 'dour'...best quote: 'Your comments are quite humourous really!'

 

Bid

[leeds_demon]

I have a good sense of humour. I laugh at Yes, Minister/Prime Minister and I find Porridge funny. I also think that Peter Kay is funny. Does this mean I don't have AS? However, I did laugh on one occasion when I was on the phone to my dad and he told me that my brother had been in an accident, (he wasn't hurt), where his car had come off the road, because he has been drinking.

 

On another occasion, in the car with my parents, off for a meal, I mentioned that I had a letter from Sheffield AS Service, discharging me and that I have AS, due to my difficulties in abstract thinking and cental coherence. For some reason, I started to laughing and my dad asked me why I was laughing.

[Fudge]

My 10 year old laughs loudly at the most inappropriate of times... The problem is with him is that it's uncontrollable and he literally cries with laughter...

 

Like me though and I am not on the spectrum, neither of us "get" jokes....

 

fudge x