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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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PumpkinZero

For years I've thought I was going crazy

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Hello everyone.

 

In my adult life I've come to realise that I'm not like other people, at first I thought it was lack of life experience, maybe living a sheltered life but as years passed I came to understand that my mind is not like the minds of others.

 

I never knew of Asperger's Syndrome, but around five years ago I began to think I was severely depressed. I went to the Doctor after three years of building up the courage to actually talk to them...and they didn't help me, they completely dismissed me. So I just carried on as usual, I started doing research into depression and OCD and eventually ended up looking at Autism, my Brother once said to me "just because I'm interested in something does not mean I want to know every little detail about it, why are you so obsessive?" and I slowly came to realise that this is the 'thing' that is broken inside me.

 

I have no friends at all, my mind just can't comprehend making a conversation work, I don't look people in the eye and I don't talk to anyone at work (I work with around 100 people, which is daunting and terrifying to say the least).

 

I have severe obsession issues: I will eat the same food for every meal, every day until eventually I find a new favourite and will do the same again. I once listened to the same CD every day, non-stop for over a year. The internet is probably my best friend and worst enemy, I have the answers to any question I could ask but I can easily spend 16 hours a day reading about the same things, day in, day out.

There is a plus side: my attention to detail is excellent. It is also annoying as I see problems/ issues where others do not.

 

I reject opportunities to socialise or even talk to people because of past experiences, I have very low confidence and self esteem. I refuse to answer the telephone or front door so I don't have to talk to strangers.

 

These are just a small amount of the things I encounter every day. I've always wondered why no-one else is like me. Why does my mind run wild all the time? Why do I remember every single thing that happens to me, however insignificant, and then torture myself over the "what could've been"? As I read the article about Asperger's it was like I had an answer for my whole life.

 

 

There are people like me, they are here on this forum.

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Linnet   

Hello and welcome. There are others like you. I especially identify with eating the same food every day and with remembering ebery single thing, even the most trivial things.

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hello and welcome where are you from

 

Hello all, I'm from Newcastle.

 

Hello and welcome. There are others like you. I especially identify with eating the same food every day and with remembering ebery single thing, even the most trivial things.

 

It's so frustrating that people don't remember things like you do, you'll get a reply like "ummmm...oh yeah, I forgot all about it". How can you forget? :wallbash:

 

Also, I find that if someone talks to me and I'm not sure how to respond I will observe others and then next time I will try and act how other people do. It's so weird that simple things like this take so much effort, putting on a huge drama show in order to communicate. Do you find this too?

Edited by PumpkinZero

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There are people like me, they are here on this forum.

 

Indeed there are - hello and welcome.

 

I don't mean to sound intrusive but what age range are you in?

Edited by indiscreet

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hi i am 31 and was diagnosed aged 25.

 

you may also be interested in a conference that happens every year called autscape booking for this closes on 22nd july. i have been 4 times now a got a lot from it

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Thank you :)

 

Whilst I have not been diagnosed with Asperger's (haven't been back to the doctor since they turned me away) I am 100% certain that I have it, once I started researching it everything made sense. Do you think it's important to get a diagnosis?

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it depends on what you want it for? if you are planning any sort of further education and need support whilst doing this you will need it. if get help at home or with daily living it could help fund this. for some it can help with support at work. but what about for you yourself? would it being official help you? it did me.

 

 

you dont have to go back to the same dr. the other option is if you or family could afford it to get an assessment privately.

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it depends on what you want it for? if you are planning any sort of further education and need support whilst doing this you will need it. if get help at home or with daily living it could help fund this. for some it can help with support at work. but what about for you yourself? would it being official help you? it did me.

 

 

you dont have to go back to the same dr. the other option is if you or family could afford it to get an assessment privately.

 

Yes, I think having a concrete diagnosis would help me but I'm a bit reluctant to talk about it, I don't really think I could go to the Doctor and say "I think I have Asperger's Syndrome" after the humiliation of talking about depression, only for them to turn me away. But from a mental point of view I think a diagnosis would help me to accept it fully.

 

I do have supplemented private healthcare from my employer so going private may be an option.

 

Thanks :)

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Yes, I think having a concrete diagnosis would help me but I'm a bit reluctant to talk about it, I don't really think I could go to the Doctor and say "I think I have Asperger's Syndrome" after the humiliation of talking about depression, only for them to turn me away.

 

I feel exactly the same. A few years ago I came across a book on famous people from history who the author believed were AS. It was a revelation - they were all like me! Recently I did an online test that placed me firmly within the AS zone. So I am satisfied that at last I understand why I am the way I am.

 

I have an inherent suspicion of the medical establishment so I tend to steer clear of doctors and I have never seen a psychiatrist in my life. On the physical front I try to keep as healthy as I can and so far I have avoided any major health problems.

 

Working in an organisation can be difficult though. It is not the work itself that was a problem for me. The social interactions that were part and parcel of day-to-day office life were really fraught. Thankfully, I found a niche which allowed me to be 'different' while making a good contribution to the organisation. Eventually I left though and ran my own one-man business for several years. It was great not having to endure the daily steeplechase of idle chit-chat and gossip and I could prepare myself for formal meetings with clients, etc., in advance.

 

If you can become really good at something within your workplace, that benefits everyone and at the same time is compatible with your AS personality, then work can become more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes.

 

I don't know if he was AS himself, but George Bernard Shaw seems to have understood the positive side of the condition when he wrote:

 

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.”

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Linnet   

Hello all, I'm from Newcastle.

 

 

 

It's so frustrating that people don't remember things like you do, you'll get a reply like "ummmm...oh yeah, I forgot all about it". How can you forget? :wallbash:

 

Also, I find that if someone talks to me and I'm not sure how to respond I will observe others and then next time I will try and act how other people do. It's so weird that simple things like this take so much effort, putting on a huge drama show in order to communicate. Do you find this too?

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Linnet   

Hello all, I'm from Newcastle.

 

 

 

It's so frustrating that people don't remember things like you do, you'll get a reply like "ummmm...oh yeah, I forgot all about it". How can you forget? :wallbash:

 

Also, I find that if someone talks to me and I'm not sure how to respond I will observe others and then next time I will try and act how other people do. It's so weird that simple things like this take so much effort, putting on a huge drama show in order to communicate. Do you find this too?

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Linnet   

Hello again PumpkinZero,

 

I watch what everyone else does too and that helps me know how to react in situations. I hate new situations when I don't have a blue print of how to act. It is hard work and as I get older I find trying to 'fit in' more and more exhausting. I do find life, in general, hard work.

 

L

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Hello again PumpkinZero,

 

I watch what everyone else does too and that helps me know how to react in situations. I hate new situations when I don't have a blue print of how to act. It is hard work and as I get older I find trying to 'fit in' more and more exhausting. I do find life, in general, hard work.

 

L

 

I understand, I don't go out socially or even have any friends at all. I did stay in touch with one school friend but eventually we stopped contacting each other, it just seemed like it was all hard work and not at all like friends are on TV...you know, like 'best buddies', it was more like 'people with nothing in common occasionally speak'. As lonely as I am, I just don't have the patience or perseverance to put effort into something which (from my limited understanding) should be easy.

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philipo   

There's thousands like you,your certainly not alone.I have little respect for the medical establishment but have to logically forgive them as the subject is very new to them.

getting a diagnosis is important,especially when younger.It will protect you from being misinterpreted by educational/mental health/employers.Im 48 and dx'd last autumn,I always put my 'non specific madness' down to growing up in Malaya as a child and then being put in care.

One of the many good things about asd/as is that the ability to live day by day with extra stress/anxiety can protect you mentally from the ups and downs of life.If you have creative urges,follow them.The thing about 'mimicing' social behaviour is important but don't beat yourself up about wanting to be 'normal'.There's a lot more social pressure thesedays to go with the crowd and even more so for females with fashion/expectations.be yourself there's loads of pluses!Tv is not real life,its more like mass mental programming.Be yourself ,inside you there may be a great creative career ahead of you.

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A and A   

I use to be like that, but you know what i grew up and got over it. I suggest you do the same. Stop looking for excuses. Every one has different personalities. More likely your at one end of the personality spectrum rather than the autistic one.

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I use to be like that, but you know what i grew up and got over it. I suggest you do the same. Stop looking for excuses. Every one has different personalities. More likely your at one end of the personality spectrum rather than the autistic one.

 

Great advice there. I'll remember next time I see someone who is Autistic to tell them to grow up and get over it, I'm surprised Doctors didn't think of it before.

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Hello, it sounds like you may need to brave the docs again (or private although I'm not if this causes problems if you need to use NHS again... I'd check that out first ;) )

 

Friends is hard work, but its the individual's choice as to whether they are gonna continue the effort or not, some people are fine without them, and others are lonely and stuff, so it depends on the person.

 

Best Darkshine

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A and A   

Great advice there. I'll remember next time I see someone who is Autistic to tell them to grow up and get over it, I'm surprised Doctors didn't think of it before.

 

They used to think like that until some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to class everybody who doesn't quite fit the norm as AS, and then add it all together into a spectrum. Sadly those that would have been diagnosed with Autism originally are being forgotten, as we are now over run with thousands Aspies!

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Karen A   

They used to think like that until some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to class everybody who doesn't quite fit the norm as AS, and then add it all together into a spectrum. Sadly those that would have been diagnosed with Autism originally are being forgotten, as we are now over run with thousands Aspies!

 

 

 

My son happens to be one of those Aspies.

I would be the first to admit that many people with ASD do not get the help they need.

However people with Asperger's syndrome also have a recognised disability.

As a parent of a child with AS who has in the past spent many hours of my time finding information for you it is sad to read such a negative description of my son. :tearful::tearful::tearful:

This is the Asperger and ASD Forum.I am very thankful that in the past some wonderful people here supported me when Ben did not even have an AS diagnosis.

 

Karen.

Edited by Karen A

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philtfa   

I grew up...

 

 

 

 

 

...but I didn't get over it!

 

 

 

Guess I didn't try hard enough...

 

 

 

...oh well, better crawl back under my stone.

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JsMum   

I have severe obsession issues: I will eat the same food for every meal, every day until eventually I find a new favourite and will do the same again. I once listened to the same CD every day, non-stop for over a year. The internet is probably my best friend and worst enemy, I have the answers to any question I could ask but I can easily spend 16 hours a day reading about the same things, day in, day out.

 

I would say you could be engraving some predictability in your day, needing a familair routine/structure ect...

 

Any changes you possibly aviod, obstuct, distract because its not predictable, Just my guess.

 

It is unfortunate that you went to a GP and was not listened, I would advise you to contact a local Autistic Service for more information on accessing a referral for a Adult Aspergers Syndrome Diagnosis.

 

I read yur from Newcastle, A town I keep meaning to visit for the day as Im in the North too, anyway have a look at this link to see if its any use to you.

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/Our-services/Find-NAS-services-in-your-area/Local-services/Newcastle-service.aspx

 

Have you changed Gps since your experience with your Gp? I recently changed my Gp and within a day I have accessed Mental health services, councilling and other support, thats just with a CHANGE of GP.

 

So think about changing to a different surgery if your not happy with your GP.

 

I wouldnt let one Doctor ruin the possibility of getting further support for your present and future health needs.

 

If you really do feel an assessment would help you then go for it.

 

JsMumx

Edited by JsMum

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They used to think like that until some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to class everybody who doesn't quite fit the norm as AS, and then add it all together into a spectrum. Sadly those that would have been diagnosed with Autism originally are being forgotten, as we are now over run with thousands Aspies!

It's quite usual for the parameters of a newly recognized illness (mental or physical) to be widened as as a result of further research.

 

At the present time it seems that it's the parents of children with AS rather than autism who are finding it difficult to get the required help - hence the projected dropping of the AS category in favour of 'autism' to cover everyone.

 

It's impossible to know where a particular poster is coming from if they don't share any information about themselves. Obviously individual views on certain topics will be coloured by their own situation/experience and while some contributors to these page make it quite what their main concerns are others don't and this can make some of the things they say both unhelpful and unkind.

 

Obviously the concerns of parents will be different from those who have received a diagnosis as an adult, and also those who are waiting for a diagnosis - or maybe uncertain as to whether they should but it would be helpful if anyone with experience in the field either as a psychiatrist, nurse, care-worker, special-needs teacher would make this clear at the outset.

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They used to think like that until some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to class everybody who doesn't quite fit the norm as AS, and then add it all together into a spectrum. Sadly those that would have been diagnosed with Autism originally are being forgotten, as we are now over run with thousands Aspies!

 

That is a very broad generalisation. And as an 'aspie' - quite ruddy offensive. People just used to be diagnosed with depression, then it became manic and clinical, then bi-polar - definitions change all the time. I think you need to be a little more sympathetic to someone going through a very difficult time. No one has an easy time of it during diagnosis - so bear that in mind and be kinder.

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That is a very broad generalisation. And as an 'aspie' - quite ruddy offensive. People just used to be diagnosed with depression, then it became manic and clinical, then bi-polar - definitions change all the time. I think you need to be a little more sympathetic to someone going through a very difficult time. No one has an easy time of it during diagnosis - so bear that in mind and be kinder.

That's well put, Matzoball, and as an 'aspie' I, too, found the post from A and A "quite ruddy offensive."

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Hi PumpkinZero :)

 

From your post I see so many things familiar to me.

 

I have recently been diagnosed and I have to say that it has helped me a lot. I now know why I do the things I do, why I am a certain way. The diagnosis came as a great relief to me because it answered so many questions that I had struggled with for many years around why I didn't fit with society's norms.

 

It also helped to know that there were others who were going through the same thing and explained a lot of other things which I never thought of as being related (such as love of routine, attention to detail, etc).

 

The diagnosis has helped me to accept myself for the way I am and even thought I sometimes hate the way it makes me feel, I am more accepting of it now.

 

After suffering from clinical depression for several years because I thought I was a 'bad person' (for want of a better phrase), what finally made me seek help was an online Aspie quiz (if you Google you'll find it at the top). I took this to my doctor, who told me that I didn't have Asperger's (quite how she thought she knew this I don't know) but she did send me to see someone about my depression, and they were more knowledgeable so it went from there.

 

Your doctor may not know much about Asperger's, so I would advise to get them to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist for treatment for your depression and then speak to them about it as they will be more au faut with the condition.

 

Let us know how you get on.

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JAK   

Hi, I agree reply from A and A was rather rude and quite cruel actually. Im a mother of a 14 yr old boy with Apergers and it's torture for him so much on the 24th june he took a overdose and spent 3 days in a coma. Reason he gave was ' whats the point everyone thinks am a as~hole, am thick, etc etc. He torments himself everyday trying to understand why his head is full of bad thoughts of feeling he doesnt fit in. So as the others said have a little thought. Anyway it soon will all be all back to under Autism and no longer Aspergers i think 2013. Ty J

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JAK   

They used to think like that until some bright spark thought it would be a good idea to class everybody who doesn't quite fit the norm as AS, and then add it all together into a spectrum. Sadly those that would have been diagnosed with Autism originally are being forgotten, as we are now over run with thousands Aspies!

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bid   

I think there needs to be sensitivity on both sides. I've read comments by people who say they have AS (often turns out to be a home-dx) about their superiority to NT people, or obsessively focusing on themselves.

 

I can see how insensitive that might look to parents of children with severe autism.

 

Bid :)

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Hi Pumpkin Zero

 

The symptoms you describe sound very typical of AS and, while I'm not in a position to make a diagnosis, I think it's quite likely that you are.

 

I agree with the others that it's best not to let one sceptical doctor put you off, you can always see another one. I accept it can be difficult to say to a GP, "I think I may have AS," but that's what I said to my own GP and he was fine about it - he asked me a few questions and then said he'd refer me to a specialist. Be warned, though, the waiting list for adults is long - I've been on it for at least nine months. (I hope I am on the list). Another warning - on the NHS, whether you can get a diagnosis as an adult depends on where you live: some areas do it, and some don't. That's a pain, but that's the way it is. But by all means go to your GP - and if that one doesn't want to know, see another one.

 

Finally, a question for A & A. If you're so sceptical about Asbergers, why are you on this forum at all?

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bid   

 

 

Finally, a question for A & A. If you're so sceptical about Asbergers, why are you on this forum at all?

 

Eccentric, this is, and has always been, a forum for all ASD, and if I remember correctly, A and A has a child who has more classic autism (apologies A and A if I haven't described your child appropriately).

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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JAK   

My son is also a Aspie as you put it, You sound if your upset as if Aspergers has stolen your limelight? You have no idea how it is to walk in his shoes. Life is unbearable, stressful, to the point on the 24th june this year he took a overdose, luckily i came in from my work just as he was slipping unconscious, but because he also has eplilepsy i thought he was taking a seizure, he ended up in a coma for 3 days. My son has been bullied, torments himself everyday trying to fit in.

He came in that day from school and thought 'Whats the point' Am thick, no one likes me etc etc. Its a comment like you made that could send my son over the edge. So please try and understand Aspergers is a disability not a label that some bright spark thought up. Ty J

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JAK   

I think there needs to be sensitivity on both sides. I've read comments by people who say they have AS (often turns out to be a home-dx) about their superiority to NT people, or obsessively focusing on themselves.

 

I can see how insensitive that might look to parents of children with severe autism.

 

Bid :)

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bid   

JAK, I'm not sure if you have quoted me because your previous comment applies to my post, saying that I think Aspergers has 'stolen my limelight'?

 

Can I just clarify that I have a formal dx of AS myself, and an adult son with AS, ADHD and Dyspraxia. He has had significant mental health problems, including a breakdown when he was 14/15.

 

I also work with some children and young people with the most profound form of autism, so maybe I can see both sides?

 

As I said, I think there needs to be sensitivity on both sides.

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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JAK   

Hi Bid, I understand what your saying and i would never be insensitive towards anyone with Autism or any other disability not that you were suggesting i was, lol

However a person with Aspergers shouldnt be classed as more fortunate than a person with severe autism or visa versa.

My son wasnt home diagnosed, the past 4 years has been a living nightmare . I wouldnt wish it on anyone to be inside my sons head and what he is struggling desperately to deal with everyday and peoples ignorrance dont help matters.

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Eccentric, this is, and has always been, a forum for all ASD, and if I remember correctly, A and A has a child who has more classic autism (apologies A and A if I haven't described your child appropriately).

 

Bid :)

I don't want to start an argument with you, Bid. Yes, I assumed all along that this forum is for all ASD people. In which case, I think it's A & A who needs to be told that, not me.

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