The Batcave

[baddad]

depends on whether you're feeling brave(heart)

Oh, wrong answer... Your stuck with the Vishnu-noo vaccuum cleaner and you could have won the speedboat!

"No, it's all in perfect working order" (making it's fiftieth and final appearance in the batcave - until someone else mentions Scotland, Och aye the noo, with a hey nonny no and a Donald where's your troosers!)

[Suze]

...oh no Boobakoff,s mission is the last post on page 16 and it came up the same time as badders, post....................now were on page 17 no one will know I have to insert a suppository , Comrade Konstantich will let me have now .

[annie]

Nemo -

 

Badders - Did Donald's troosers get sucked up the Vishnu-noo?

[annie]

Never fear Suze, Legs-a-plenty is here

[mel]

sorry heroes, im turning in my bin bag and traffic cone for a few days..... have flu.

Mel staggers into bat cupboard with industrial strength tissue, echoes of snerch (wet sniffs) follow her into the distance.......

[annie]

As Legs removes her helmet , it did not go unnoticed by Agent Boobakoff.. ......A wink passes between the two figure hugging clothed beauties. While Boobakoff managed to keep Bond talking, Legs loads up her stun-lipstick and takes aim ...kerpow... a perfect shot , smack bang in the middle of Bond's left bum cheek As Bond fell to the ground, Agent Boobakoff removes the suppository from a secret pocket (can't tell you where it is, it's secret ) and inserts it into .................. the place it was meant to go .

 

Our two beauties managed to get Bond into the Aston Martin , now all they needed to do was to get Bond back to Comrade Konstantich before the effects of the stun lipstick wears off.

 

Will our glam babes complete their task?

 

Will Bond wake up before they get to Konstantich's office?

 

What will the effect of the supository be?

 

to be continued................

[annie]

Hi Mel,

 

We will all look after you

 

Cuppa and hob nob ????

 

Hope it's not too long 'til you're feeling better and you're back in your bin bag ASAP

 

Annie

XX

[Suze]

Boobakoff and legs a plenty(plenty for short), exchange a smirk of satisfaction. Bond is strapped to a dentist type chair thingy, he struggles against his restraints, thrashing this way and that."Zere iz no point struggling agent Bond "Boobakoff whispers into his ear, "You vill not escape zis time"..........................Plenty lets out a stifled giggle........."he he he, do you think it will work,.....the supository , do you think the FNAR FNAR will stop?", .....................................................Bond begins gibber "gibber gibber, fnar fnar..ooh er "..............................now apologises Suze must end here have to read daughter a bedtime story, back later.............

[Suze]

.............back now sorry about that where were we?........................AAHH! yes .........Konstantich,s secet bunker .......Plenty and Boobakoff have restrained physically ..... Bond into the dentist chair thingy. ..............Boobakoff reaches over to the dentist trolley type thingy and finds a pair of rubber gloves, she puts them on with a slap and a twang.....""ooh fnar fnar what are yooz gonna do with those my wee lassie ooh er missus..." asks Bond.....Plenty rolls her eyes .."that suppository does,nt seem to have stopped the anal dialogue , we need something stronger!"...............she reaches down to her ammo belt and finds a larger bung.........."maybe this will do it"................................................an hour passes the babes have a quick break ,tea, hob nobs , chat, re-apply some lippy and go back to survey Bond. He lies still on the dentist,s chair snoring loudly. " Well it definitely knocked him out " observes Boobakoff. Bond hears their voices and awakes........"och aye lassies your back , do yooz wanna look up my kilt fnar fnar, ...........Where,s that rogue Konstantich?.........................tell him to face me like a man!..............you,ll never plug me up fnar fnar.............is it true Konstantich has a constant itch is it catching fnar fnar!..........Boobakoff why do they call you Boobakoff fnar fnar, Plenty do you really have legs a plenty??.........fnar fnar fnar........."................. Bond began too writhe and jerk on the chair fnar fnar fnar he kept yelling. Boobakoff and Plenty look at each other ............"this has gone too far we must do someting quick" shouts plenty. Quick as a flash Boobakoff slams her fist down on a big alarm button . A siren begins to wail around the secret bunker. Konstantich,s voice comes over the tanoy " vat iz ze problem?" he bellows..................." Quick" shouts back Boobakoff " we have a meltdown situation, sensory therapy at once , get agent mel to bring down a trolley"...............................................has Bond been pushed too far ?....will Konstantich stop itching?............ wil the sensory therapy work?...........and how big does the bung have to be? ...........FNAR FNAR indeed!

[mel]

Mel hobbles (still got that flu yuck) along with the trolley. " theyre coming to take him away ho ho he he ha ha" With herb nerb crumbs stuck to her greasy hair and pale face, big red nose and extremely 'slept in look' clothes she is a sight to behold. pongs a bit too. perhaps she can cure the Fnar Fnars. lets face it, looking at her flu riddled self, there aint much to fnar about!

her merry way along she checks her medikit. Urn size cork, super strength gag, big fat needles. (they dont do much, just scare the c**p outta people. who likes needles?) she meets agent boobakoff at the door.....

[littlenemo]

she meets agent boobakoff at the door.....

Bond starts chanting "Door knockers, fnar fnar fnar. Door knockers, fnar fnar fnarDoor knockers, fnar fnar fnar" until he slowly passes out.

Only to wake up seconds later, spot Mel and say "If you think you're bunged up, you should try this. Fnar fnar fnaaargh" as Legs applies industrial-strength gaffer tape to hold the bung in place

 

[And while we're on the subject of needles, can anyone help me please? When I give blood, the nurse always sticks the needle in then asks "Does it hurt?". How do you answer? My immediate reaction is to say "You just stuck a needle in my arm with no anaesthetic - of course it b***** hurts!" but that just upsets them. If you just say "Yes." they worry, but if you say "No." surely it means you have no feeling in your arm, which is a huge problem (go straight to neurologist, do not pass go, do not collect a litre of blood). My solution so far is to say "No more than usual" which just confuses them.]

 

nemo

[annie]

......................Meanwhile back in the Batcave , Legs was making a cuppa, Mel was polishing her orange traffic cone, much to the disgust of Cinderella Boy who was in his 'intelligent grotto' fiddling with his knobs and switches . Suze and Lauren were discussing next weeks possible missions and Judge Thredd was in his blokey comfy chair waiting in anticipation for his Friday night curry to be delivered

 

If's Friday night in the Batcave.........so far, very quiet, but how long will it last?

[mel]

If's Friday night in the Batcave.........so far, very quiet, but how long will it last? 

well....... it lasted 3 whole nights and i couldnt bear it any longer. sorry, had to break the silence (was it a sponsored one? how much did we raise?)

Realising she was alone in the cave, Mel opens a pinot for 1, slaps a cd on and dances around howling "dont stop me now, im having such a good time, having a ball, dont stop me now, if you wanna have a good time, gimme a call"

Out come the twiglets and the Hanje book. eeeeeh no kids, no trouble, no nothing. aside from the cd its silent. and bl**dy boring. "where have all the heroes gone, long time passing, where have all the heroes gone long time ago"

 

Ho Hum, back to picking my feet i guess.......

[Suze]

.............tummy bug...............maybe back later

[annie]

Suze and Legs arrive back at the Batcave looking pretty pleased with themselves , they had just delivered the Bat-cheque to the Pearly Gates Home for Retired Helpful LEA Staff or PGHRHLEAS for short. It was only a small place The Super-heroes had raised �1500 through their sponsered silence .

 

"Ohhhhh" screamed Suze, clutching her stomach. "I think I need to pay the Batloo a visit", "I only ate a couple of those cheap-versioned hob-nobs and this is what it does to me" . Suze quickly grabbed a copy of 'Hunky blokes' from the coffee table and off she went.

 

Mel in the meantime, didn't see the girls arrival and was by now onto Bohemian Rhapsody and the bit where it turns opera

 

"Mel, Mel" screamed Legs trying to stop Mel before she hit the really high notes "We're back, the old folks were really pleased with the money we gave them", "they're going to spend the money on some SEN Code of Practice books and donate them to schools that don't appear to know that it exists" .

 

"Brilliant" cheered Mel, filling a couple of glasses of Pinot.........."by the way, where are the others?" said Mel..............

[mel]

oh noooooo il save you some herb nerbs

 

<'> hope you feel better soon <'>

[littlenemo]

It's autumn, so CB has taken a week's holiday to help his squirrel mates bury their nuts for winter (fnar fnar?). The squirrels tried to explain to him that using a spade meant they were buried a bit too deep for their cute little paws to reach: "The only thing they'll do is grow more trees!"

But their sarcasm went way over his naive little head, so shrugging their furry shoulders and raising their fluffy eyebrows they let him carry on, taking the long view: at least their grandchildren wouldn't starve.

 

I hope the Bond movie will start up again afer this short intermission...

 

get well soon Suze

Edited October 18, 2005 by littlenemo

[Suze]

Suze bursts into the cave ..............breathing heavily and sweating profusely .She wedges the door open with her foot and pulls the buggy in with her free hand. The buggy has a 3yr old sleeping in it and is laden with Tesco shopping bags. She collapses on the sofa." Annie lovey dove brew us a strong cuppa , me throats parched and me dogs are barking. She removes her clogs and lets her feet breathe. Annie/Legs bounces down on the sofa with the biccies and tea. Mel hears the twittering of the two gas bags and joins them. They begin to perform a bonding ceremony and start to groom one another. Pulling play doh and weetabix out of Suzes unkempt mop of hair.A manicure and pedicure, hair blow dry and make-up session later Suzes is back to her half decent self. "thats better guys, feel human again now, well it,s back to the burrow to clear up the brio, walk the dog, referre the tea time terrors , "Suze lumbers out through the Bat door still carry tesco bags and struggling with the buggy, shall be back rest assured for some pinot .....may have to take things slowly though, the old tum is still gurgling.Not weighed this much since I was 16 talk about a detox .

[Suze]

...........Trumpets sound as a fanfare bellows about the batcave.The door opens and white light and smoke billow about(like it does on stars in their eyes)..........a black silhouette stands in the doorway . Her shape a little top heavy and odd in the huge platform boots..............the smoke begins to clear and squeals erupt around the batcave from cinders, Legs, Mel , Sally and Lauren...........Silicone Suze is back!. <'> Yep folks a nasty tummy bug had me bed ridden (a great excuse to read Heat magazine) but I,m back.Suze leaps into the cave and throws her ruck sack on the floor twiglets spill out and a jumbo sized pick and mix ...think refreshers, fruit salads,flumps, and revels . Suze has two holsters fashioned from old tights containing the Pinot Grigio and a bum bag with Troy dvd so they can watch Brad Pitt getting raunchy in his loin cloth later. Well folks things have been a little quiet of late............where,s the judge gone???????? Is he suffering a dicky tummy too?..........or did that suppository work a little too well . Suze downs a few glasses and nibbles some nibbles then jumps up and announces"I,m off to do a Mr.Ben ...... she dives into the Bat changing room and sorts through the costumes..........now there is everything you could ever wish for in here so seeing as it,s my wish I,m opting for a Jane Austen type plot thingy cos those empire dresses enhance tiny t*ts ..........Suze emerges in a lovely bonnet and dress aka Pride and Prejudice well I think I,ll partake of a little Sweet wine and play my pianoforte. The bat heroes all groan at this new look..........ok I,ll go and change..............Suze rifles through the rails once more aha now I,ve found the perfect ensemble ..........Suze again emerges from the curtained enclave........this time.............Star Wars.............yes got a lovely woollen tunic with hood and an enormous light saber I am a Jedi

[Suze]

Well looks like I,ll have to continue this sorry saga on my own.............where are you all????.....................Legs jumps up enthused by Suzes new costume and dives in to Mr. Bens changing room, The judge also gets excited and leaps in behind her . They both emerge momentarily, Legs in a rather striking white confection with two cinnamon swirl danish pastries strapped to her ears aka Princess Lea.......she stands Akimbo "I shall now be known as Legs Skywalker "............a ruffle of the curtain and JD appears, he has a biege two piece creation on with utility belt and a very fetching blonde , page -boy style hair cut, "I shall now be known as lucky skywalker.....lucky for short".................Well now we have a whole new concept of super-hero the batcave becomes a heaving thronging mass of excitement as one by one Mel, Lauren Sally and Cinders have the Mr. Ben treatment. Cinders indulges himself with some techno wizardry and is now going by the name of CB .3 0. , Lauren has found a similar tunic to Suzes and her name tag reads Laurhan solo.......Mel Obi whan kenobi and Salakin Skywalker complete the team . Well my friends tonight I feel we need to plan , the dark side governed by the evil sen budget emperor are begining to choke the many satellite schools for special needs scattered around our solar system.They are driving out the caring LSA,s and replacing them with wind- up and go battery operated automatrons. The budgets are being bled dry , the iep,s ignored, the list goes on and on tomorrow we start the campaign......tonight my friends we drink. Pass us the Mateus Rose and a cork screw..............someone put the Troy DVD on fast and forward it to the tent rumpy pumpy bit, if you look closely you get to see Brads left buttock fwoar!

[Flora]

Love the batcave, but don't want to appear rude so need to explain I'm all dried up of witty inspiration (not that I think I had much in the first place ). I'm reading and enjoying but totally nackered and unable to contribute! Watch out when I get back after half term though! Hopefully by then the creative juices will be flowing and I'll amaze you with my razor sharp wit and hillarious double entendres (how the hell do you spell that?) and super up to date super hero cosie with all mod cons including built in jacuzzi

 

Lauren

[mel]

Sorry jedisuze, wanted to join in but got a bit stuck on the left buttock, searching for inspiration........no.......its the buttock, can still see the buttock by the buttock...............................

[Suze]

What was happening????............ did the dvd not do it,s usual magic ..................the super- heroes all slumped on the bean bags , faces sad and pale . Suze jumps up realising she has a big BIG problem on her hands. The dvd , alcohol, nibbles and dressing up have not cast their usual spell of mischief and humour about the cave . Something is seriously wrong and something needs to be done about it . The Judge appears to be suffering the most . His body armour has lost it,s shine and the naughty wicked twinkle in his eyes has gone out. Gently Suze eases him up and takes him to the de-briefing room. She sets him down on his leather, massaging, vibrating, swivelling, reclining , man only chair and offers the use of her fluffy pillows to lay his head upon. Even this does,nt spark up that glint in his eye ), alas what is Suze to do? She takes off his socks and applies a special aromatherapy concoction and begins a bit of reflexology(think Suze has hidden talents you ain,t seen nothing yet),. It takes several hours such is JT,s state of tension <'> , but gradually he begins to relax. A small smile begins to creep at the corners of his mouth . Suze dives to the Bat airing cupboard and gets a nice 12 tog goose down duvet out , that has been warming nicely on the water tank.She tucks JT up in the duvet places a cup of hot chocolate in his hand and the sky control clicker in his other . She places a little bell on a table beside him.....if you need anything JT just ring the bell and I,m at your service.....and with that she dims the lights and leaves the de-briefing room. She comes back into the cave, things have,nt improved in her absence, Legs and Lauren both look down in the dumps from all the missions , fighting, and Battles they have faced recently. Suze drags them both into the sensory room. "Right angles, put these lovely soft fluffy bath robes on I,ve got a treat coming up. ".........She arrives back momentarily armed with a big box of thorntons continental and a big bottle of bubbly. She has kidnapped two beauty therapist s from the make-up hall at Selfridges and also commandered a gorgeous male masseuse . Several hours later Suze visits the sensory room to check how the Angels are getting on. The masseuse ,Legs and Lauren lie sleeping on the bean bags ,an empty bottle near by and chocolate round their smiling faces....aah bless. Suze weary now makes a cuppa and sits down for a chin wag with Mel. "maybe a bit of hibernation is in order were all worn out with this super- hero stuff" Mel nods agreeing " cinderella boy,s beaten us to it, he dived in the airing cupboard when you pulled out that duvet. He,s been dragging sack full of nuts in there for the last hour."..........." right thats it says Suze the cupboard it is, you grab the hob nobs Mel , I,ll grab us some mags and we,ll hibernate till were all recharged"

[littlenemo]

And so this week's episode from the batcave fades to an end with a shot of the bulging airing cupboard door, muffled cries from CB "You're crushing my nuts!" and gentle wafts of 101 scrabble-winning, unpronouncable essential (since when?) oils like ylang-ylang, guaranaragara and enough fruit extracts to feed a small third world nation. Every now and then the door opens and an arm appears, adding another pinot bottle to the growing line.

 

And so the sun sets on our drained do-gooders for another day...

 

Meanwhile the Judge's moon is rising, as are the corners of his mouth...

[annie]

Legs opens one eye , "What is Orlando Bloom doing here? have all the film offers dried up?", she thinks, or hopes more like . Legs looks down at Lauren and their new bestest friend 'Orl' snoozing peacefully and decides she is recharged, ready, willing and able

 

Opening the door to the sensory room, Legs notices that 'Troy' is still in the DVD player, quietly she sneaks over to grab the DVD remote and tries to find the Brad Pitt buttock bit . Pressing the 'freeze' button on the remote, Legs nips off to the kitchen to make a quick brew.

 

A few minutes later, mug of tea in hand, Legs shuffles back to the comfy sofa, grabbing the magnifying glass on the way she's all ready for Brad

[annie]

Nearly 4 hours later............Legs decides she's had enough of Brad's bum cheek I wonder when the others will return from their recharging, she thinks, praying that George Clooney will walk through the Batcave door to keep her entertained while she's waiting Instead, the nearest she gets to being entertained is the sound of Cinderella Boy opening his cupboard door every once in a while shouting "you're crushing my nuts"

[Suze]

Sunday morning and Suze,s awakes , all is quiet, Mel is engrossed in her Soduko for beginnners book, and Cinders is sorting his nuts into size groups. Suze feels the need for some Sunday morning scran so she passes the barbie torch to Mel and scurries out of her sleeping bag. She pushes the cupboard door open and rolls out on a fountain of nuts. Cinders begins to scream, oh no meltdown situation, Mel appplies the barbie torch flashing light distraction manouvre and pushes Cinders and the nuts back into the cupboard. Boy that was close!!!.................The Angels put the kettle on and then ......................whooop dee doo!...........Legs is back all Akimbo on the settee .A big group hug is in order. Mel and Suze are amazed at Legs new look.She appears 10 yrs younger, surely something more than clever make-up and lighting are a foot here??Ohh yes Legs has had the Blooming -Orlando make over and she is a new woman. Coffee is the order of the day this morning and a heaped plate of variety croissants too!When the Angels are all scranned up it,s time to check on the re-cuperating super-heroes. All is quiet, looks like Sunday shall indeed be the day of rest. Not for Orlando though I fear .

[annie]

The Angels approached the de-briefing room with caution What will they find? Will the Judge be back into his super-hero ensemble sometime soon? As Suze slowly turns the door knob they get their first glimpse of the Judge . Snuggled up on his man-only chair, the Judge has the first signs of a smile upon his face "it wont be long now", say Legs reassuringly. "I know", says Suze, "we'll make him a new cod-piece, lovingly crafted by our own hands" .....and with that thought, they left the Judge to rest.

 

Nearing the airing cupboard and Cinderella Boy, Mel, Suze and Legs knew they had to be careful. Cinderella Boy's nuts would come flying out of the door f'nar f'nar as soon as it was opened . Tactics were needed here . Mel went into the kitchen and grabbed a humungous sized black bin liner. It was stretched the height of the airing cupboard door. Slowly, Legs opened the door. Their plan had worked Cinderella Boy's nuts flew straight into the bin liner (plus a few empty bottles of Pinot). Cinderella Boy would be proud . Our man was fast asleep, cuddling his techno squirrels "shhh", said Mel, "what is he saying?" "feather duster, mop, dish-washer" Cinderella Boy mumbled. Closing the airing cupboard door, the Angels became pretty tearful , in unison of course , "he's almost back with us" said Suze. "yipee" cheered Legs.

 

It was down to Legs to start the celebrations "tea and herb nerbs, anyone?"

[littlenemo]

As they sit and sip their tea amd munch their herb nerbs, the girls notice the faint sound of singing coming from somewhere.

"I recognise that tune," says Legs. "It used to be an ad, didn't it?"

"But where's it coming from?" asks Suze.

They follow the sound and realise it's coming from the airing cupboard. Putting their ears to the door, they hear Cinderella Boy singing to himself...

"Nuts, Orla-ando's nuts, cover them in cholcolate and dum de dum de dum dum"

Suddenly CB pops his head out of the door. "Ah, Angels. Just who I was looking for. I've got an early Chrimbo pressie for you..."

[Suze]

It,s later in the evening and the Angels are still licking the chocolate from off their fingers. Legs has a particularly large chocolate moustache... ....naughty naughty, to contend with aswell." The chocolate covered nuts were a huge hit, thanks Cinders" says Suze.............."Well I always preferred the fruit and nut variety " giggles Mel.

[baddad]

Before i was just feeling knackered.

Now I'm feeling knackered, guilty and self indulgent! Thanks a million

Seriously, I may have given the impression things are a bit more grim than they actually are... I've just been very VERY pushed for time (but in a very unspecific, wishy-washy sort of way) and and a bit washed out as a consequence.

Annoyingly, every time I do actually drag my a**e off to bed at a reasonable hour in an attempt to catch up a bit Ben will invariably wake me in the wee hours just AFTER I've had enough sleep to be completely incapable of getting off again, and i end up in a worse state than before. Either that, or it's old age creeping up on me... (Where's BRW?)... I've been getting away with it for a while now, but perhaps that old painting up in the loft is starting to lose it's power, or possibly that last infusion wasn't as 'pure' as the old Romany who sold it me made out - and now come to think of it that virgin grand daughter of hers did look a bit like Abi Titmuss .

Thanks for all your tender ministrations, Angels, and watch out for Cinder's nuts - I fear a SCRATTastrophe is looming...

L&P

BD

 

Oh, by the way

 

"Nuts, Orla-ando's nuts,

 

That's defamation, mate, proceed with caution... A little eccentric maybe, but...

[baddad]

A snippet overheard in the batcave, as the angels consume their chocolate Orlando

 

SUZE: Hmmmmmmm gulp hmmm... This is marvelous

 

MEL: mmmmmmmmm ... absolutely.... the bestever......

 

LEGS: Totally........... I'm having a ball

 

MEL/SUZE: Well slow down, you greedy cow we're only up to his knees this side!!

[Suze]

he he he,aargh we have missed your wit, back and on form I see!

[annie]

"Leave me alone, I'm enjoying myself " said Legs, now wearing chocolate-coated eye-brows to match the moustache

[baddad]

In the words of Chester Drawers:

'Ere, is that a maustache on your lip or have you been eating...

 

...Chocolate.

[annie]

Yes.................it WAS chocolate

 

Talking of nuts, well we were earlier . my dog is going to the vets tomorrow.......nuff said

[baddad]

I say i say i say, my dog's got no nose

 

How does he smell?

 

A lot less musty since we cut his nuts off

 

 

 

 

 

PS: You should not feed dogs nuts, they can choke on them and it makes their breath smelly musty...

 

What... WHAT... WHAT???????????

[Suze]

The Angels were have a Bloom..in marvellous time , when ...............a rumble came from the de- briefing room. The Angels all looked up and paused listening intently . Legs jumps up , wiping the melted chocolate of her face with a wet wipe ."Think I,ll just check on the Judge".She quietly opens the door and peeps in the de-briefing room. She begins to giggle and beckons the Angels over to have a peak .Mel and Suze are reluctant to leave Orly but Legs is insistant..."You must come and look at this". They all peer through the crack in the door. The Judge is indeed up and awake , Cinders is in there with him, a large pot of chocolate spread is empty on the floor, they can be heard whispering to each other. .................."do you really think they,ll go for this squirrel boy "asks J.T............"don,t worry mate worked a dream with Orlando and I did,nt even use the crushed up Hob Knobs that time so they,ll really go for this" .................

[annie]

Oh no what else is Legs going to get chocolate coated

[baddad]

Another old joke:

 

Crushed HobNobs Grandad?

 

No, Rheumatism...