The Batcave

[baddad]

Deep in the bowels of Orwell House, Acting Central Scrutiniser Erasmus K. Nakawakka paces the corridor nervously while awaiting the Great Controller Of All Things Official?s official summons. Miss Muckypinny, the Controller?s PA, remains - as always ? unreadable, her face as bereft of emotion as ZsaZsa Gabor?s on receipt of yet another diamond engagement ring, only without the tell-tale scar tissue behind the ears and the sardonic, shark-like grin that one too many rewinds engenders. In fact, Erasmus ponders, if only she would smile she might look halfway attractive.

At that moment, the intercom on her desk buzzes shrilly, and she smiles to indicate that he may now enter the inner sanctum. �Shows just how wrong you can be�, he muses, noting that the smile reflects all the warmth and charm demonstrated by an angry rattlesnake eyeing a gopher.

�Ah, Nakawakka, Good to have you back.� the controller offers in greeting, simultaneously extending his right hand while indicating an empty chair with his left. Nakawakka is momentarily thrown off balance by these conflicting gestures, which is just how the controller likes it. In the split second it takes him to respond with the firm, junior lodge member?s Masonic handshake he begins to sweat profusely, a factor the controller notes with no small degree of satisfaction.

�So,� the controller continues, �You made it out. What?s going on down there?�

Still somewhat shaken over the hand/chair incident, Nakawakka compounds his unease by misunderstanding completely, and looks down to check his fly. Instantly he realises his error, but - too late? The controller has noticed the reflex, and allows a smug, self-satisfied smirk to play across his lips. He decides then and there to reward himself later with a third Lincoln biscuit with his morning coffee. Small change, undoubtedly, but when the currency your dealing in is unease and discomfiture, any deposit, no matter how trivial, will eventually pay dividends?

Struggling to regain a modicum of his composure, Nakawakka begins his report on the subterranean activities he has witnessed. He tells of his capture by the angels, of the obsessive cleaning activities perpetrated by The Cinderella Boy, and of the shadowy figure variously referred to as ?The Judge?, ?Captain Commando?, and ?That bigheaded p**t with the platform boots on?.

�So, tell me again how you made your escape� the controller urges, leaning forward intently and making a bridge with his fingers.

�Yes of course. But I?d be grateful if you could put down that Lego ? It?s a lovely bridge, certainly, but somewhat distracting? Now, where was I? Oh, yes ? my escape. Well in all honesty, it wasn?t that difficult. The Angels left me with The Judge as my sole jailer. I waited a couple of minutes until I felt certain the girls were out of earshot, then shouted: ?quick! Look! A dead pigeon!? Then I ran past The Judge while he was busy looking upwards�...

�My goodness,� the controller marvelled, �An ingenious plan if ever I heard one. But can it be true that this band of ne?er do wells are really that stupid?�

�Oh, they?re stupid alright, sir, but terribly dangerous none-the-less. They?re passionate, you see sir, and ? even worse COMpassionate with it. It?s idiots like these that brought about Thatcher?s [At the mention of this name, both fall to their knees and cross themselves?] downfall over the poll tax? After everything she did get away with, she misread completely how powerful the average gorm-on-the-street could be when roused? And, BOY! are this lot aroused (fnar fnar yak yak!). From what I?ve seen and heard, they will not rest until every LEA in the country has a cohesive and well informed policy on Special Educational Needs; every local Authority has a similarly efficient working model for inclusion and opportunity, and every curry house in England offers Lamb Dhansak with at least one vegetarian alternative for pasty - faced loonies as a loss-leader on Fridays�.

�Good God man�, the Controller ejaculated (Oh, fnar fnar!!), �It?s absolutely imperative that we know their plans. Do you realise what this means?�

�I?ve a horrible feeling it means?�

�It means you?re going to�?

�You?re going to send me back�?

�Have to go back�?

�Down there.�

�Down there.�

 

 

And so it was, dear reader, that some six hours later the newly appointed chief Central Scrutiniser for The Official Department Of All Things Official was lowered kicking and screaming back into the hole from which he?d so recently escaped. Armed only with his wits, a French Army Knife (very much like a Swiss Army Knife, but with garlic press and truffle grating attachments and a soap radar ? avoidance for the use of?), several kilos of heavy-duty plastic explosive and a small ?Man From Uncle� Pen disguised as a 15cwt radio transmitter backpack. His remit was simple: Stay concealed and report back daily? ? ?

[Zemanski]

but nothing and no one can hide from the dust obsessed Cinderella Boy for very long .........

[Flora]

Lauren isn't hiding from Cinders boy. She's waiting for his cleansing ministrations

 

After a morning in the presence of a meany head teacher called Mr A R Ogant... in which Lauren's adequate wit was able to throw him in to a corner eating humble pie she could do with some girl time with the angels. On entering the bat cave though Lauren is so disappointed to find no angels... only empty hobnob packets, mouldy crumbs and the remenants of a bottle of scrumpy cider oooharrgh

 

This place is starting to stink again!!!

 

She sits down and starts playing 'they will assess, they won't assess' while filicking the crumbs across the table

 

A little song begins playing in her head...'oh why are we waiting... why eye are we waiting....' Lauren begins to hum the tune out loud....

tick tock tick tock TICK TOCK TICK TOCK

 

Will it be a long wait....?

[Flora]

Lauren gets so fed up with waiting for the angels she decides it's time to crack open the champagne (medicinal) (actually it's cava she can't afford the real thing ) on her own. Ok then, dribbling whittering oblivion... seek and thy shall have

 

Lauren

[Zemanski]

hang on in there, Lauren, there's an epic from Nemo on its way

[annie]

The angels arrive back at the Batcave in record time ..........The Judge is standing outside waiting for them, armscrossed with CB and Lauren. Before the Judge has a chance to open his mouth, the angels, one by one whip out a tea towel from under their capes and hand them to CB, just make sure you wash them all before you use them say the angels in unison. CB is sooooo happy with his presents that he runs full speed to his beloved washing machine, slips the tea towels in and adds a good dose of 'Batsil' (extra super-duper cleansing, non-bio washing powder. "Ah, heaven" says CB watching the drum of the machine going round As the rest of the super-heroes start to relax, the Judge slips off his platform boots and rapidly shrinks 3 inches "blimey", says Lauren, "I didn't realise you were THAT small". Legs quickly saves the Judge's embarrassment by asking "tea and hob-nobs everyone?".............Nobody had noticed that the eyes on the picture of the bat on the wall were moving

[baddad]

CB is sooooo happy with his presents that he runs full speed to his beloved washing machine, slips the tea towels in and adds a good dose of 'Batsil' (extra super-duper cleansing, non-bio washing powder.

The Management would refer new members to the posting on page 11:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...g=80.44.214.186

 

and draw attention to the fact that The Batcavetm is sponsored by New Improved Improved SNIBBO. All mention of other (inferior) brand washing powders is prohibited, and punishable by death/excommunication and confiscation of herb nerbs.

As for the moving eye's on the bat portrait, we have it on good authority (Pete and Dud) that this is in fact the sign of outstanding artistry...Members will recall, that the a***s on a good Rubens demonstrate a similar effect, especially when you're eating a cheese and pickle sandwich...

[littlenemo]

Cinderella Boy is sitting alone in his room as usual. By day having a ball playing with his mac, but at midnight, when everyone had passed out, he turned into a pumpkin and scuttled around the cave, cleaning, polishing and dusting. His hermetic life suited him - the smells from the Batcave are just too powerful to live with 27/7.

 

He used to be a real hermit, living out his days at the back of the Batcave (before it was the Batcave as such).

"Ah those were the days," he thought to himself one night as he headed towards a particularly unpleasant-looking brown stain in one of the remoter corners on the far side of the cave.

"You knew where you stood in those days. Up to your knees in bat guano with a throbbing headache from walking into a stalagtite." (or was that a stalagmite? He could never tell the difference. That was probably why he kept bumping into one and tripping over the other).

 

It was at this moment that Cinderella Boy realised that the brown stain was moving - it was alive! When it realised that it had been spotted the stain slid back into the shadows. CB followed, close on its heels. It ducked into a grotto off to one side.

On entering the grotto, Cinderella Boy took in the fingerprints on the heavy duty plastic explosives (whatever happened to light duty plastic explosives? So useful for clearing drains, removing game controllers from children, getting LEA officials' asses off their chairs - their slogan 1001 uses for 1001 fuses!), the ink stains on the transmitter and the shifty look on the face of the sweaty Central Scrutiniser. Now here was a man up to no good.

"Who are you?" asked Cinderella boy.

"Abi Titmuss."

CB looks quizically at him. "I don't think so. But if so, what was he like in bed?"

"You're right. I'm not Abi Titmuss, I'm the Head of Titewad plc, your new privatised LEA."

"You're not a real villain, you're a top-notch comedy henchman with a heart as black as King Alfred's buns and the intelligence of policy-maker."

CB thinks fast, pulls out two bottles of vodka (Stolichnaya, of course) [it means 'table'. Other countries have table wine, vin de table, etc. The Russians have table vodka. Good people.], hands one to the Central Scrutiniser, and says

"You want to know about us?"

The Central Scrutiniser can't believe his ears!

"Yes, please!"

"Right, have a drink and I'll tell you. You know we're all superheroes?"

"Yeeess..."

 

"No superhero worth his or her salt, sugar and high fat content can hold their head up high unless they have had a good old-fashioned heart-(and/or stomach-) wrenching origin. So here is mine:"

Screen goes all wibbly-wobbly to tell you it's a flashback.

 

The Origin of Cinderella Boy ("Special collector's edition - will be worth ten times its face value on ebay when the movie comes out").

 

CB was a normal backwoods boy in the forests of Canada until that fateful day one September. It was just after his sixth birthday and he was playing with his Fat Controller in the woods, when all of a sudden he was leapt upon, mauled and savaged by an evil, rabid grey squirrel. He managed to escape, but not without getting bitten rather badly on his gluteous. Soon afterwards, his parents noticed the change in him- - he had caught the dreaded ASD!

And so it was that they explained to him that they would spend their lives searching for a cure to this monstrous disease that was spreading the world and that they would work tirelessly to do everything they could to make him normal again, as they left him at the mouth of a cave halfway round the world.

And in this cave he was to spend the next few years, brought up by a friendly family of wild red squirrels (movie note - sequence of stills showing young CB learning values from Nature such as reconcilliation, compassion, family values and the importance of keeping your nuts clean and dry). When autumn came around again all the squirrels went to clean out their dreys for the winter, so Cinderella Boy did the same.

By the time he had cleaned up all the batpoo, broken Beaker pots, urns full of ashes, cro-magnon bones, pterodactyl bones and the fossilised remains of what appeared to be an LEA Code of Practice, and scrubbed off the results of a particularly enthusiastic tagging session by a tribe of early homo sapiens, he was sixteen and he had found his mission in life - to clean everything till it shines and to live somewhere really small next time.

"And now I dream of sweeping a girl off her feet, showering her with kisses, wiping the tears from her eyes. She looks deep into my eyes and... I run away to wash my hands..." Cinderella Boy pauses. "I have a problem with eye contact. The squirrels, you see. It's hard to keep eye contact with something that almost reaches up to your ankle."

I noticed, whimpers the Central Scutiniser.

 

Over the past four hours, as CB told his life history, CS slowly sipped his way through his entire bottle of vodka (and then CB's), if only to numb himself to CB's quiet droning, toneless voice that just went on and on with no hope of interruption...

Cinderella Boy gets up and walks to the grotto entrance. "Follow me." he says.

The Central Scrutiniser tries to stand up, only to collapse in a heap on the floor.

CB tidies away the plastic explosives to his room (for a rainy day), puts the pen in his pocket and goes to the others in the cave.

"I've got an LEA official in there, wide-eyed and legless. Any ideas?"

 

On rereading this, it looks like I have been drinking.looks. I have been drinking

 

goodnight all - Ed Sike and his band tomorrow

[baddad]

Bravo Bravo - Encore Encore

Underlay Underlay A Reba A Reba (Please be excusing my phonetic spelling, not knowing the Speedy Gonzales speak it is I am)...

Too late tionight for anything but a quick 'memory trick' re stalagtites/stalagmites:

Tights come down/Might go up...

Raised by squirrels, eh? Could have been worse... I know someone who was raised by Chameleons - you should see how that effected his eye contact When we went for a picnic on a tartan rug he was sick on the hamper and had a nervous breakdown... (NB: I like a nice tartan rug - if push comes to shove i can live without the rug...)

[annie]

Important Message

 

I would like to wholeheartedly apologise to 'The Management' for my mention of the 'inferior' washing powder Batsil, it is inexcuseable but I have one anyway .........because of the unexpected events of the past week, namely the endless supplies of pinot, the effects of the Judge's botty reaction to a good Indian take-away and a certain emergency in which the Angels needed to rescue Cinderella Boy, it was discovered that the truck carrying the Super-heroe's supply of The Batcavetm sponsered New-Improved, Improved SNIBBO had been hi-jacked by a group of balaclava- wearing Heads of SEN , ....... Using Batsil, I would like to point out, was a tempory measure to avoid CB from having one of his OCD/ASD induced meltdowns , as the perpertrators of this hideous crime have now been arrested and are now being held at the top security police station Paddington Green, things are now back to normal with the delivery of SNIBBO safely in the confines of the Batcave where it belongs. , and a very happy CB happily re-arranging the Bat supply cupboard which is now bulging at the seams .

 

signed,

Legs Akimbo

Edited September 22, 2005 by annie

[annie]

On hearing Cinderalla Boy's announcement, the super-heroes gather round the limp, intoxicated body of the LEA Official . Judge Thredd immediately asks CB to enter the de-briefing room which sends CB into a state of panic "I'm afraid I can't in my shtate, hic" says CB slurring his words slightly. "You know how drinking makes your true feelings come out" "I think a group de-briefing may be safer all round"..........so off they all go......decisions need to be made on the fate of the now groaning LEA Official.........just what will they decide?????........and will CB's true feelings come out anyway?????

[Suze]

Suze pops the cork on another bottle of Pinot grigio.The munchies have got the better of her and she,s stuffed herself full of kettle crisps , which has given her one heck of a thirst.She contemplates her tall boy(thats a tall set of drawers) all the drawers are empty . This knicker fetish of Judge Thredds has gone beyond a joke . , She has just left the de-briefing session after being de-briefed of her last pair ..........Tanga briefs aswell, not cheap either,... M+S best ,....bought as a pack of 5.(love a bargain ).She surveys the cupboard, what a tip , must get " numb nuts" in here to give the place a tickle with the old duster. Some air freshner would,nt go amiss either. Hey ho.....she lies back on the old bat bean bag and dreams back to that delightful massage, she still has the tea-towel .... wey hey fancy Orlando bloom working part time as a massuese , just between jobs of course . There,s a knock at the cupboard door , Legs is standing Akimbo outside................"look she squeals " waving a glossy magazine in front of Suze....."the new super-hero Boden catalogue has just come"............. Tea and hob nobs later the chicks are purusing the pages,.... new top of the thigh black boots ... for Legs and a baps en-hancing ballet wrap top for Suze .....Retail therapy is just the tonic Yawning on the bean bag Suze begins to snuggle.... Pinot , Cava and shopping usually has that effect. Legs grabs a blankie and tucks Suze up," nighty night, night, sleep tight don,t let the bat bugs bite"murmurs Legs, Suze gives a big big yawn and snuggles down with her new tea towel snuggle blankie.....night night.

[Suze]

.....................Suze stirs in her sleep.......rolling over again her slumber is interrupted, she blinks opening her bleary eyes......All is dark in the cupboard it is still night .....the faint huffing and puffing of legs as she dreams can be heard in the distance. Suze fluffs up her pillows and adjust, s her balconette bra (not the best choice for sleeping in), she settles her face back into her tea-towel sleepy blankie and gives a big sniff...off to dream land...... then ....a faint scratchy scratch sound, tap tap tappity tap, flutter flutter, Suze sits up.......what is that noise???........she waits listening in the darkness her senses acute and primed to respond . Then again scratch scratch, tap tappity tap...............Suze listens and listens..........then AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!, A FLICKERY SENSATION ON HER HEAD AND FACE!!!!!!!!!!!. ............She scrambles up kicking duvets and pilllows as she grabs her Bat torch . She switches it on, her heart thumping and beating against her huge chest. She waves the torch light around the cupboard , panicked and jibbering then she catches them in her beam , masses of them fluttering flapping swooping up and down, bouncing off the walls. :....................AARRGGHH!!!! ................Suze runs screaming from the cupboard her hands waving crazily in the air , Legs on hearing the commotion also screams and runs from the cupboard . The girls fall into each others arms both quivering and shaking, "did you see them all, hundreds of them , fluttering and flapping their long legs scraping on the walls urgh! urgh!urgh!, hate them hate them , where did all those Daddy long legs come from" asks a tearful Suze. "Someone left the window open and the bat cave landing light on , and I think I know who the guilty platform wearing, cod piece dude is " says Legs." The Judge will pay for this in the morning.!!!!!!!!!!!"

[littlenemo]

What?

Daddy Legless letting in Daddy Long Legs?

Shirley not?

Edited September 23, 2005 by littlenemo

[mossgrove]

This is so poor that I felt I had to share it with you all:

 

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard sitting on his

shoulder.

 

He says to the bartender, "A double whiskey for me

and," pointing to the

lizard, "A half-pint of Guinness for Tiny here."

 

"Why do you call him Tiny?" asked the bartender.

 

Scroll down:

 

 

 

 

 

<wait for it.........>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

<a bit longer........>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

<nearly there......>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The man answered, "Because he's my newt."

[annie]

 

Annie

X

[mel]

Upon hearing the screams, mel jumps out of (yet another) batcupboard, clutching her supersize can of obliteratall (works well on LEA officials too) she leaps into action, valliantly leaping into the fray. daddylonglegses scatter everywhere as she sprays her trusty weapon. showing no fear she bats them out of the way and sprays till they are all laying limply on the floor then, once they are all dead she drags her now weary (and hefty) body to the batsofa. "open a pinot girls" she mumbles through mouth full of herb nerb..." wheres cinders when we need him?"

[baddad]

When I was but a babe in arms, I used to read my sisters hand me down 'June and School Friend' annuals.

Alongside "The Four Mary's" and "Lettuce Leaf" ( a sort of female version of "Davey Dean - He's not so green" from Eagle, I think) there was a strange little strip called "Daddy Long Legs". From memory, the story concerned a girl who was estranged from her last living relative (her father) who left her in a boarding school. It was called 'Daddy Long Legs' because she overheard him talking to the headmistress one night, and saw his shadow against the wall cast from the light of a guttering candle, and it looked (as long-cast shadows often do) as if he had abnormally long legs. Can't remember the end, but it might have been that he turned out to be a midget, or Douglas Bader or something, or even that he did have unfeasibly long legs, but - in any event- I'm fairly sure it did not include any references to landing lights being left on, or to him "Fluttering, flapping and swooping up and down off the walls"...

Either way, I'm very VERY confused...

Oh, and does anyone else remember 'General Jumbo' who, had an army of toy soldiers that come to life? Didn't realise it at the time, but with hindsight I suspect he was taking something he shouldn't, don't you? And getting back to the four Mary's - What are the chances of that happening? And a different adventure every WEEK?? I think someone was being a bit economical with the truth there, don't you?

So many questions, so few answers... And as for Bleep and Booster - don't even get me started!!

 

Time for my nap... Who left that light on?

[mel]

I remember the four marys....i think they were in the bunty though, in fact i know they were cos i used to read it and so did my daughter up until a few years ago. My mum used to buy it for me on the off chance that it would take my mind off the beano.....now that was a comic worth reading! god...where have all the years gone? now i read the sunday times.........only cos i like the cryptic crossword.

[annie]

After shuffling boxes of SNIBBO around for what seems an eternity, Legs finally finds what she has been looking for...........'Super-Scratchy'.....the best itching powder on the market, known to divert the attentions of even the most scariest of LEA SEN Officers from their task of demoralising good parents nationwide "quick" says Legs to Suze and Mel, "grab the Judge's codpiece".........."no, no Mel" says Suze "not HIS codpiece, the sparkly garment that is hanging on the hook on the door". . says Mel realising her inocent mistake . Sneaking out of the room/cupboard the girls armed with 'Super-Scratchy and the Judge's codpiece set about their revenge. There was lots of 'girly giggling' going on in the Bat kitchen, the angels having images in their minds of the Judge worrying about the cause of his embarrassing itching problem . With codpiece safely back on the hookof the door, and the box of 'Super-Scratchy' tucked away in the Bat supply cupboard, the angels return to the Bat lounge to catch up on a quick nap and maybe a slurp of Pinot and the odd Hob Nerb.

Edited September 27, 2005 by annie

[Flora]

Been wondering for ages what the origin of herb nerb was. I've just realised. CLUNK!!!

[annie]

Hi Lauren,

 

T'was when Baddad was having one of his 'French' moments, page 12 or thereabouts ........bless him

 

He's just so.....................multi-lingual.

 

Annie

X

[littlenemo]

presumably someone who gives people hob nobs to make them feel better is called a herb nerbalist

[annie]

...............or someone acting like an idiot is called a herb nerb-head......

Edited September 27, 2005 by annie

[baddad]

...............nerb-head......

And the same to you. With nerbs on!!

[Flora]

nice one Annie

[annie]

 

I have a strange feeling that 'herb nerb' is going to go on for a while...........

[baddad]

Hope not... it's starting to get on my nerbs already...

[annie]

Talking of 'nerbs', can we get back to the story in hand 'Judge Thredd's codpiece .................page 13 ..........to be continued

[baddad]

Returning to the cave after the mornings retail therapy session, the Angels find the Judge laying on the sofa in front of the telly with his hands down the front of his shorts having what can only be described as a damned good scratch.

"Hahahahahahahahahah"... they giggle, "see you found your codpice then!!"

"Sorry?", says the judge, swivelling round toward them.

"Your codpiece," Annie begins to explain, only to stop short as she espies the shimmering garment that STILL hangs on the hook on the back of the door...

 

[it's a man thing, girls, we all do it... the male equivelent of painting your toenails, only without the cotton wool and DEFINITELY no lacquer!]

[annie]

[it's a man thing, girls, we all do it... the male equivelent of painting your toenails, only without the cotton wool and DEFINITELY no lacquer!]

 

I use hair straighteners, which makes my hair straighter and longer.............what's the male equivelent of that then ?????????

[Flora]

one nibble and your nerbled !!!

[nellie]

Thanks folks, I've just spluttered my coffee all over the PC.

[baddad]

I use hair straighteners, which makes my hair straighter and longer.............what's the male equivelent of that then ?????????

A comb...

[annie]

[littlenemo]

or a comb-over

[Suze]

page 14 already!!!.....you guys have been busy......................................thought I,d share my sons favourite joke with you while were on the suject of hair ...............What is a baby hare called ? ...........................a pube !.............sorry .

[annie]

Spotting Annie's eyes flicking between the shimmering codpiece STILL on the door hook and the Judge sprawled on the sofa doing his man thing the other angels suddenly have a scary thought going through their heads........in unison of course

 

We must not let the Judge prepare dinner tonight, not 'til he has at least washed his hands properly.

[annie]

Suze

[Suze]

The Judge cook...............????? .............watch out low flying Robbie,...............Having had the day from h*ll, Silicone Suze is in need of some cheering up , so out comes the Bat cave karaoke machine.Not one for being shy , and ever the exhibitionist the Judge jumps up to give his rendition of "word up " by Cameo, complete with codpiece attachment , to say he has some moves would be an understatement in fact the Angels are enthralled by his athletic prowess and range of movement. Picture if you can a purple cat - suited figure (shiny lycra for close fit and comfort ) with attached swarovski crystal adorned pre-fabricated cod piece , and 6inch platform silver boots with little wings attached and star decoration, standing atop the bat table, hollering ever so tunefully while doing a jig and swivelling the old hip/crotch area as if an electric eel had invaded his ...you know what.....well some time sooner rather than later it became evident houston had a problem.........itchy under crackers is not a subject to be laughed at . Over come with guilt, Legs and Suze ran The Judge a soothing cold tar bath and administered some sudocrem to..............................................................................

.........

 

the sore bits......(they handed him the pot no hanky panky was involved) .The judge was put to bed for an early night heavily dosed up with piriton, should be a quiet night girls .............wheres the pinot??