I lost the plot

[pingu]

Hi everyone.

 

I Lost the plot yesterday with the psychologist, I couldnt face telling you yesterday as i had a massive headache when she left, and had to cancell all the things i was supposed to be doing because i had to lay down before my head popped, (both with pain and frustration)

 

A little history

The problem is I have known the psychologist since my eldest was 4 (he's now 13), Eldest has sensory issues and undiagnosed ADHD and traits of AS. Middle is showing signs of OCD and has traits of AS, with dyslexia and dyspraxia, she also went from been a chatterbox at 3 to becoming silent for a year and regaining speech but loosing her bubbly outgoing personality at 4. She is now 8, Then there is the youngest (7) Diagnosed AS, ADHD still undiagnosed only god knows why

 

Anyway, yesterday psychologist came to talk about middle un, who has been displaying some worrying behaviour for a time now, namely her routines are becomming a problem, she is shutting her door 5 times on the bounce, she dries the taps carefully after use, and has lots of other quirky stuff going on, namely hugely claustrobic, wont use public transport her fears are growing and she is scared of her own shadow.

So anyway before we even got started i explained that i had made a list of her recent behaviour ( i find it helpful to write it all down), and her reply was.......

"ah yes actually i was going to start there"... I ask

"where" she says

"with the lists, i have noticed you do that a lot, would it bother you if i was to refuse to go through the list" i say

"too right, i have things wrote down i wish to discuss" She adds

"I meant is it something you have to do?" I see where its going and pull the conversation back to middle un...

She starts talking about cognitive behaviour therapy, and asks if ive heard of it, I havent really so say so, she goes on to ask if there is anything i feel i have to do throughout the day... I search the back of my brain and ....... To cut a long story short i thought that she was impliying (because of all my quirky ways) that Middle un had learnt it all off me.. Which is my worst nightmare, as i know she hasnt because my things are worries about going out into public places and having a few odd routines of my own.

Anyway it all got a bit messy and i stormed off and hubby was left to pick up the pieces, she said she hadnt meant to make it sound like she was saying it was all my fault, but i have been given so much blame in the past (Paronoid, neorotic,) only to be proved right, and now it seems they want to blame me again. and apparently the only way i can help my daughter is if i help myself in breaking my routines and i dont agree, my routines have been the same for years, and i enjoy my own company, i dont see why i should force myself out on the basis of (proving the demon wrong) when im happy at home.

 

Anyway this has sort of come out all wrong, it doesnt make any sense, but what im strying to say is i had a real horrible time and felt almost naked in the defence department. All i wanted was a strategy for my girl not a complete change of lifestyle.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

Shaz

x

[bid]

Shaz <'>

 

Poor, poor you <'>

 

I know a teeny bit how you feel. A few years ago now I gave Auriel's then phychiatrist a hand-written letter about something important.

 

He took one look at it, and said that my writing was very 'obsessive', because it was small and neat!!

 

Never mind that I'd written neatly on purpose because the pootie had crashed, so I wanted to make the letter as clear as possible!

 

I just felt so patronised and demeaned...I think I said rather acidly that that was just the sort of thing I needed to hear...

 

I sometimes wonder whether they even teach 'bed-side manners' to medics!! The thoughtless things they come out with sometimes...

 

Have a big hug <'> and you carry on living the most comfortable way for you <'> <'>

 

Bid <'>

[rainbow queen]

hi pingu

 

i would of suggested to the lady that isnt it all the more a reason why they should look into your childs probs because if you yourself show slight signs then its more of reason to help the child as it may be gentic.

 

i not meaning to offend you if that sounds wrong but hope you see what i mean-i mean you may of had that all your life and no one bothered -but if your child starts showing it in this day and age its all the more reason to pick up on these things and get help before problems go worse.

 

it seems they are always looking for a quick way out.

 

i to have probs -ocd and rapid cycling mood disorder and suspect one child of as and other is showing some signs of ocd/adhd although none is dx,only one with gdd.ive also myself had cognitive behaviouril therapy and other stuff.even if the parents have these probs it shouldnt mean there child should not get the help they need even if they are thinking its learnt behaviour-dont they relise these things run in familys aswell.

 

they havnt so far actually thrown this at me yet but im expecting it soon when i get my sons camhs appointment ,but ill be ready with my replys

 

please dont get upset-your not in the wrong ! <'>

[CarerQuie]

I went once to discuss Rh's aggression and the psych decided that I had a problem with stress!!!

 

Needless to say,Rh still has problems with aggression because those issues have not been addressed.xx

[mel]

im sorry you had such a bad time pingu <'>

[asereht]

Oh you poor thing <'>

 

I kind of know how you feel .When my son( 15) is stressed he can't answer questions so he looks at me to answer for him .I always get the feeling that the psychiatrist etc. and whomever else is in the room give each other knowing looks as if to say I'm putting words in his mouth,especially if I am expressing fears etc.

 

I often say to hubby that one day they will just turn round and say that I have him the way he is.

 

The thing is if they did , I would more than likely blow my top and rant and rave before breaking down, sobbing and crying and then they would assume they were right as I would be going into meltdown ( I've done it in the Past with the school head and a psychologist who I just could not get through to )

 

I have some funny little habits too ,who doesn't. My son cannot socialize, I can if I have to just most times I choose not to, it doesn't mean my son gets it from me . These professionals annoy me the way they try to analyze everyone except the one's they are supposed to be analyzing

[justamom]

professionals can be very patronising. I was once asked by a Clinical Pyscologist why am I so over protective with regards to my AS son is it because I have the need to nurture and be loved and THAT I missing something in my life that made me what to act this way (refering to relationship with hubby) and therefore causing the problems. What by sticking up for what I believed in and trying to prove that I was not a paraniod mother and something was wrong with my son. Huh whatever.. He got a very big shock when we did get a DX

 

I agree with BID carry on living the most comfortable way for you.

[Flora]

We have more knowledge these days than we did in times gone by, but the same problems are still occurring.

 

My Godmother's son is absolutely certainly autistic (he's 40 years old now). When he was a child I can remember he just sort of tagged along but never spoke to anyone and would throw a wobbler and panic or runaway if anyone tried to talk to him or touch him. When he was 18 he got in to drugs and alcohol but a few years later he was 'saved' by his very odd but rich and eccentric wife who took a liking to him, taught him to do gardening, and he now runs (with her) their own landscaping business. He still doesn't speak to anyone, and has two sons who are both AS and ADHD. His own life is a success story purely out of luck. When he was about 10 his mum took him to a psychiatrist because she just knew something was not right (you don't have to be Sherlock to see it). The psychiatrist told her that there was nothing wrong with him but she might consider being assessed for mental illness. She walked out of the office and never went back.

 

The fact that similar things are still happening 30 years later is a bl****y disgrace.

 

I haven't had anything happen as dramatic as that or what has happened to you, but have often felt the inference from our present HT/SENCo that my anxiety is the problem, and that my boy's are fine.

 

Lauren

[Richt]

I'm with Rainbow Queen and Lauren on this.

 

It might be genetic but the fact that you are doing OK (like many of us) does not mean that you should be "blamed" for wanting your children to be happy.

 

The advantage adults have over children is experience. A proper reaction is to help your child avoid all the mistakes we made and do all you can to "educate" them.

 

I may have experienced lots of things in my life (sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll) but my duty is to care for my children and guide them so they don't make the same mistakes I did.

 

When I become aware of a "threat" to my child's wellbeing, especially if experience has taught me about the "threat" I expect to be listened to without being brought into disrepute because of my past. We are not talking about me, we're talking about my child.

 

Some professionals think that the child is created by the parent, every quirk, idiosyncrasy, bit of personality, uniqueness. Therefore fix the parent and you fix the child. In my experience that is rubbish and laziness on their behalf.

 

Be strong, tell them it's not about you, convince them all you're doing is for the best interests of the child and keep notes. Be prepared for them to find you threatening, but you would be failing as a mum if you didn't have the best interests of your kids in mind.

 

Sorry. Went on a bit

 

Rich

[LKS]

Oh Shaz <'> <'> I have not had anything as upsetting as this but the EP once said to me he felt I was a very negative person The list you made is something we all do in a way, certainly if I didn't I'd remember nothing. I wonder how this person thought her behaviour helped you or your family yesterday

[madmooch]

So sorry for you Pingu <'>

 

I find that whenever you ask for help for your little-uns they always turn it back on you.

 

 

I was told that i hadn't dealt with Haydens Dx just because i get a bit emotional talking about his problems, Who wouldnt when the poor little mite gets no help!

 

 

 

Clare

[Kathryn]

Oh pingu, I'm not surprised you reacted this way. <'> <'>

 

I can relate to what everyone is saying - I had the heat turned on me when we had L assessed at age 11. Apart from the fact that the psychologist completely missed the AS. she interviewed me at length and when I mentioned L's problems with socialising and joining in after school clubs she kept saying "what are you doing about that?" making me feel that it was all my fault she was this way.

 

I think blaming the parents is an easy get out clause for incompetent professionals who aren't exactly sure what to do. I'm pretty sure a lot of them end up working with children because they are the people least likely to question their judgement. And if they can give the parents a guilt complex, they won't be challenging much either.

Edited February 10, 2006 by Kathryn

[MumTee]

<'> <'> <'> Pingu <'> <'> <'>

 

You are much more 'evolved' than that so-called 'professional'. I think it's unfortunate that sometimes peoples egos get so tied up in their knowledgeable work that they are not really listening to you, rather they are sitting thinking of their next clever answer.

 

Anyone who has looked after young children knows that if you dont have a routine things can quite easily go pear-shaped, with our sensitive children we know a routine makes them feel the world is safe and predictable - and if you dont write things down in a list you'll never remember them when you have to because we're all busy remembering a million things every minute! (Obviously I'm ignoring Stepford Mums and their Stepford children - thats a whole other posting!)

 

So - forgive that man for his lack of humility and kindness - and then carry on just as you are - because you know you're doing the best you can - and thats good enough! (And we love you just the way you are!)

 

<'>

[Malika]

Hi Pingu, <'> <'> <'>

 

I am not really surprise by your story as it seems the way professional have to get rid of us and our problem kids is to swiftly put the blame on the parents in doing so they gain few things, they don't have to investigate further, to spend money (which is not even coming from their own pocket i just wonder how many of them would be ready to accept a pay cut to help our kids receiving more funding) and above all they don't have to question themself about their lack of knowledge and recover from a kick to their own ego. So kicking us or our children is the cheapest option, I wonder sometimes what they would do if all the parents of As ASD children would leave them to SS for fostering, may be we need to set up a parental strike, but of course we would be wrong again.....

I think you did well, how can a professional put the blame on you without even trying to assest your child before hand it is unacceptable.

 

Take care and do not forget you are the one who know your children best!!!

 

Malika.

[UltraMum]

Oh Pingu - what you needed was <'> <'> <'> and you got .

 

Well on the psychologist. We all have quirks - I'd be lost without my lists of things to do, stuff to buy at the shops, people to telephone etc ... do they never use a list?

 

It's a shame that this still happens - when J was diagnosed and we asked for a statutory asssessment the ASD teacher from the LEA suggested that we have counselling for grief and to let her know if we would like to take up the offer- doesn't sound as bad written down but the obvious implication was that we were seeking the assessment as a way of working through our grief ...

 

My husband and I called her bluff - asked her to arrange it - we know she's read the email we sent her - still waiting for a reply from May 2003 - when we went to tribunal she obviously thought better of her idea!

 

Have some more <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> from me

Eve

[~Jonathan~]

It's just an observation but sometimes I think that a lot of these so called experts are very anal about things. I went to see a therapist when I was in my teens and he told me that I was 'obviously disturbed.' This was a man who went on to write a book called The Fireside Book of Death and listed as one of his interests 'sitting in cemeteries after dark' in a local interview. Pots and kettles sprung to mind. Sorry you had to go through that pingu <'>

[rainbow queen]

lol at last post "went on to write a book "sitting in cematries,-made me laugh when i read that post

[pingu]

thankyou so much for your replies, i could feel myself getting stronger as i was reading them, i feel a lot more confident to now stand up and have my say.. she is coming back on the 2nd march and ill be ready for round two !!

Thanks again <'>

Shaz

x