Having another child

[Klou]

Hi

 

I always thought DS would be an only child, certainly when the assessment process looked to be suggesting ASD I said definitely only him then. But I am at the point where I'm considering giving away/selling the baby equipment. I can't quite bring myself to do it, yet I can't quite bring myself to admit to wanting another child.

 

The main thing, other than the obvious months of being a whale and the whole birth thing, sleepless nights and nappies etc is the interaction of the kids.

 

DH doesn't speak to his sister very often they don't really get on, never had. I hardly speak to my sister, we haven't got a lot in common. We spent our childhood fighting and I don't fancy playing constant referee.

I think there was a thread about deciding to have another child on here but I can't find it. DH would worry about having another ASD child. I know people who are close to brothers/sisters would ask them for advice but I don't think we should have a sibling for DS just for this. The whole ASD thing is another worry.

 

Anybody got any thoughts on the matter?

 

 

Thank you.

 

Klou

[Bullet]

Ds1 has a baby brother and ignores him most of the time. He tolerates him sitting next to him, but moves away if his baby brother tries to stroke his face, or hold his hand. However, he has given him a dummy once and laughed at him the other day, so we're hopeful they'll start to interact a bit more. We're hoping that as Ds2 gets bigger he'll encourage Ds1's communication skills.

[jools]

i think if you think too long and hard about it you will probably never come to a decision.

its the same no matter what your reasons for thinking, wether it be because you didn't get on with siblings, asd worries or money!

i don't think i can give you any advice but i can tell you our situation......

 

i have 3 and had them all very close. G is our middle child and his problems only became apparant after i was already pregnant with no 3.

i do sometimes think that if i had waited, then no 3 would never have happened, and i obviously wouldn't be without any of them now.

 

no1 and no3 get on great most of the time.

until recently G has never really interacted with either of them unless negatively.

recently however, as they get older they are interacting more (on G's terms....lol) and it is lovely.

 

if you are reluctant to give up your baby things then i would say hang on to them.

[pim]

Hi,

it really depends on so many things.

 

DS dx with ASD has an older DD, 6 and a younger DD, who is 2. BUt if I had known about his ASD before having baby no 3, I wonder if i would have done. I would have thought longer and harder about it. But I know so many families with 3 kids who have one son who is ASD and the other isn't. Maybe they are out more than the ones with more than one ASD child.

 

In our case as DS really wants to play with others and be like them he plays a lot with DD1 and she is very good with him. They do fight when she is pushing his boundaries and in ways trying to get him to give and take more. Or she is teasing him and winding him up. DS tries and play with DD2 but she is still too young. He learns so much from having two sisters. Sometimes when they are playing nicely it gives me a break as otherwise he'll be wanting me to play with or keep him busy all the time.

 

I can only glean from your message that you sound like you don't want any more children and by getting rid of the baby things is a way of coming to terms that their will be no more. (I could have misread your message though). I still have all their baby things and I think I should give it away and clear up some space. But I can't even though I definitely don't want a fourth baby. Apart from being too old, I struggle with 3. I'm normally very good at getting rid of stuff, but it is hard to accept that that part of my life is over and there'll be no more babies.

 

Whatever you decide it's not an easy decision.

 

pim

[lotty]

I have 3,9 8 and nearly 2. eldest high func autism, middle selective mutism, dyspraxic, 3rd is now seeming to be the very same as the eldest. I am feeling sad that no 3 is getting bigger and i feel time is running out if i wanted one more, i am very broody and i think my kids are amazing, there differences are complex but so am i and from the looks of programes like super nanny nt children seem more difficult.

I think that if you yearn for another child you should have one, babies are all hard work at the start,

[Bagpuss]

Can't offer advice, as its such a personal decision, but can let you know of our experience. After our first two kids were planned for and born, we were in similar dilemma to yourself...all the baby things overtaking the house. We hung on to them because we changed our minds every few months as to weather we should try for a third child or not. Could see pros and cons for both decisions. Eventually we decided two was enough, and gave all our baby things to charity. Then...our third child was on the way, completely unplanned. I was thoroughly depressed throughout my entire pregnancy,as it really could not of come at a worse time for us. Actually it was only once I had got pregnant I knew I definately did NOT want a third!!!!Once she was born I felt more positive. However, the impact she has had our family is huge. It has literally turned everything upside down. She is now 5 and I can honestly say that it has only been recently that I've felt upbeat about life and enjoyed my time spent with her. Now I wouldn't be without her, but I also know what we have been through as a family during the last few years I wouldn't wish on anyone. I can see where your coming from re. siblings. My husband has 2 sisters and a brother. Has sporadic contact with them, and they don't feature in our life. I have a sister. We were close, but over the last couple of years have drifted from each other, and are two very different people. I can see the benefits of having just the one child, and somedays i've wished I could give just one of mine ALL of my attention, but I couldn't of just had the one myself.

 

Take care,

 

Debs

[lotty]

I just read the last post and the same happened for me, I was content with the first two, i had just lost a baby and decided that i wanted just to focus on the two boys, i was in the middle of a degree and felt everything was fine. but out of the blue 6 months later i was having boy no 3 and not because of the pregnancy but other things we had the most horendous 2 years but not for one moment has the third felt like aa mistake, he has been the most fantastic thing to have happened actually. he has grounded me and i am there one hundred percent for these kids

[Stephanie]

I was the same, we found out about Asa's autism when I was already pregnant with another baby ... then when I had the baby and found out it was another boy I had a hint of worry ... I kind of wanted it to be a girl so the chances of the baby being autistic would be less - stupid I know.

 

Let me tell you though, having him (Griffin) was the best thing we ever did ... my ASD son loves him to bits, they are really great friends and companions, and I could not now imagine one without the other. He is 16 months now ... very different to my older son (I think he will be NT though as he is so different), he has been the icing on the cake for us and we all love him to bits.

 

I really panicked when I was pregnant, "will Asa cope with not being the baby anymore", "will I be able to manage his special needs when I have another", "am I going to love this new baby as much as I love him" etc etc. I shouldn't have worried.

 

My big boy takes care of the little one and talks to him like his mother "no you don't build towers like that darling" lol. The boys play together and really have an understanding of each others needs, there is a bit of sibling rivalry as you might expect but it is all just fun stuff. I am already hoping that the younger one will take care of the older one - take him down the pub and do blokey stuff together when they are older.

 

Saying all that, I wouldn't have another .... but that is more to do with the birth part than the autism part!

[Klou]

Thank you so much.

 

I appreciate reading your experiences. I know only we can make the decision at the end of the day. The issue of should we have another/do we/I want another one keeps coming up casually and I keep declaring it would be too much hard work, it might be nice but then there is the ASD, money, life....side of things that would be turned upside down. DS is four and a half - five in the autumn. I gues I need to talk to DH seriously about it. We do have a very good book on the benefits of only children but I can't seem to find one on the benefits of having two (or more!) especially with the special needs issue thrown in.

[Flora]

This may sound a bit reckless.... but I think having a baby is one of those things if you think too deeply about it you'll never make a decision. I think having a family is a very instinctive thing; it is hugely rewarding but the responsibility, worry, stress, everything that goes with child rearing... well if you knew before hand you'd certainly hesitate more wouldn't you? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want a life without my kids but I do wonder if I'd knew before hand how much anxiety I'd have about them now and for their future if I would have actually had the courage to go through with it! That doesn't detract from how much they've enriched my life, I just think there is no way of knowing the joy and the pain until you actually go through with it.

 

I'd say follow your instinct, if you feel that is really deeply what you want then go for it. I could quite easily have another child (I'd always wanted 4 anyway) but instinctively I know it's the wrong thing to do, but if you feel it's right for you then you should follow your instincts, go ahead and enjoy the miracle

 

Lauren

[call me jaded]

We have 5 years between our ASD boy and the next one. Then we had three in 5 years. Our 'logic' being that you can't leave overseeing the care of the eldest after we are gone to just one child. We felt that would be life limiting for one person. I'm not at all sure how it's going to work out TBH. They are so far unaware of any consquences of having their elder brother. They just think I'm naturally untidy and forgetful and that everyone's dad works 7 days a week.

[justamom]

This may sound a bit reckless.... but I think having a baby is one of those things if you think too deeply about it you'll never make a decision. I think having a family is a very instinctive thing; it is hugely rewarding but the responsibility, worry, stress, everything that goes with child rearing... well if you knew before hand you'd certainly hesitate more wouldn't you? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want a life without my kids but I do wonder if I'd knew before hand how much anxiety I'd have about them now and for their future if I would have actually had the courage to go through with it! That doesn't detract from how much they've enriched my life, I just think there is no way of knowing the joy and the pain until you actually go through with it.

 

I'd say follow your instinct, if you feel that is really deeply what you want then go for it. I could quite easily have another child (I'd always wanted 4 anyway) but instinctively I know it's the wrong thing to do, but if you feel it's right for you then you should follow your instincts, go ahead and enjoy the miracle

 

Lauren

 

 

Totally agree with Lauren, nobody quite knows how hard parenting is until the little one arrives but like Lauren says its does not distract away from the joy they bring,and the fact that we would not be without them and love them dearly but its a 24hr job as we already know but so worth it in the end....

 

Its a hard question to answer "would i have more" to be very honest no, i dont think i would be able to cope with another child but very one is different and you have to follow your gut instinct.....

 

Good luck

Justamom

[Kathryn]

I have a 17 year old daughter on the spectrum and an 8 year old NT son. I always found parenting my daughter such a struggle in the early years - I didn't know she was autistic and just thought it was how all babies and young children were. I didn't think I could go through it all again and for years we were quite in favour of having just one child. I am an only child myself and it was a positive experience for me, so I wanted the same for my daughter. I changed my mind eventually - got broody, as you do - and she was 8 when my son was born. It's a larger than average age gap but it suits us and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

As you say, Klou only you can make the decision. I think each family is unique and there is no "right" or "wrong" decision on this one. Observing my own children, I can see the benefits of having siblings but I grew up quite happily without this experience and don't consider myself to have been deprived.

 

K x

[nellie]

I didn't want children, I wanted babies! They didn't stay babies for long, they are now 25 and 28 and I love them to bits. Would I have wanted any more..........not on your nellie!!!!

[LizK]

I knew I wanted at least two, DS1 hadn't yet been diagnosed but we knew it was a possiblilty when I got pregnant second time round but kept fingers crossed all would work out. I have a 3 year age gap and whilst it has been hard I wouldn't change it for a minute. I *think* DS2 is NT, he's certainly very different to DS1, developing normally though his speech is slow which is how DS1 presented initially so don't think we are out of the woods yet. However that really doesn't make a difference. My H and I today were just saying how beneficial having a younger brother has been for DS1. My 19mth old is very socially engaging and independent, DS1 copies him now sometimes even. They fight like cat and dog, feel like I'm a referee most of the time but love each other too and nothing gives me greater happiness than seeing them running around the garden together giggling at each other as they get up to mischief He gives his younger brother better eye contact than anyone else really. The age gap practically is smaller in many ways than the chronological three years. DS1 is having to learn how to share and other social rules and most important of all he's got company and a friend at home. DS2 has learned how to use the DVD player and washing machine at an early age due to DS1s excessive interest in these pieces of machinery !

 

Second time round I found it a lot easier, just felt that much more confident and knew that the horrible early phases wouldn't last. I have really enjoyed my second son seeing him develop normally and reach milestones without a struggle and it's been nice to do activities with him like music or baby gym classes which my eldest boy found hard

 

The dilemma we have now is whether to have a third. I'd love another, again think another sibling would be good for DS1 and would be nice for DS2 to have an NT sibling to play with. Of course there is the chance that another child might have ASD, I'm nearly 35 so chances of Downs increases and I'm not sure how we'd manage with another child with a disability and or how that would impact upon the attention my two sons need. It's a tough decision trying to weigh up the needs of everyone but I am still sorely tempted

 

Liz

[lotty]

I could talk all night about this, my first was very difficlt to cope with as a baby, my second much easier and made my first one easier, theres a big gap between those two and the third there is 8 years, but its great, he loves them they love him, its easy with three and i am wondering if four is even easier? i know night times are hard with babies but all my boys have sleep problems and i am up anyway.

i do believe that more kids is easier than one , mind you that new born baby bit does plonk me on another planet for a couple of months

Edited May 6, 2006 by lotty

[Suze]

Well I was preggy with no.3 when we began to realise my son had probs.I would,nt change a thing though.It has been hard at times but any kids are hard to cope with.........one of my nt kids still refuses to sleep in his bed and has an appauling diet .My three get on well, my asd boy just does it on his own terms,he actually plays great with his younger brother.I,d love another but the body and mind could,nt cope I don,t think.Take the plunge and go for it have another one

[lindy-lou]

I can only say yes to this topic really I am hoping that a sibling closer in age will be good for india,she does get on with her older sisters ok-ish but they dont "play" with her.

[carrieq]

This is something I have toyed with asking a number of times!! Ds was displaying cause for concern before I became pregnant with dd but I had lost a baby at 12 weeks, an ectopic pregnancy, and was determined to have another baby!! Ds loves his baby sister, not fond of older sister at all!!

The trouble is I would love another baby. One part of me says I need to devote the extra time and energy to ds and having a baby would take this away. The other side says he loves his little sister and I wouldn't want to look back in 15 years and say I wish I had had another baby and he was the reason I didn't!

For me I don't think the time is quite right. Mind you a lady I work with is a psychic type person and she got a message saying that I would have another baby in the next 18mths and this would be my last so wait and see!!

It is such a tough personal decision, good luck!!

Carrie

[lizzie]

Mmmmmmm let me think...........would I have another child???er............no!!!!! Unfortunately I think I might be passed it!!!

[Klou]

Thanks again everyone. I think I may have made a decision. It's just a case of talking to DH and getting the definitive answer on how he feels. Easier said than done as he could give most politicians a run for their money in the avoiding the question stakes and that is just about what he wants for tea!

 

 

Your replies have certainly put more of a positive spin on the idea. That was a pleasant surprise.

[elaine1]

my son ignored my daughter till she was old enough to get in his way!. they argue all the time now though, shes 11 and hes almost 13. they dont get on at all, i wish they did but hey ho, i never got on with my sister either and still dont, so u cd say its just the human condtition.

[melly]

We had decided that having another child would be reckless, we have a daughter 5 (NT) and a son 3 1/2 (ASD). There is a hereditary trait and our consultant gave us rather grim odds of having another ASD child, especially a son. So we gave away loads of our stuff and sold some other bits.

 

The thing was I was so busy justifying the decisiion it took me rather a while to realise that it was making me miserable! So number three is due in August.

 

Of course it will change the dynamics of the family, i remember looking at my son in the early weeks thinking, what have I done, I have shattered the relative peace and comfort that my and my eldest had. But now I look at them and they are fantastic together.

 

There is always the worry of leaving an ASD child with their sibling being mainly responsible for them as we go grey and ga-ga, but as life has shown me so far, you never know what is going to be thron at you anyway.

 

My sons teacher is the big sister of an ASD boy, and she has the most remarkable insight into families new to diagnosis, dealing with behavioural issues and with the asd children themselves. That is only there because of her personal experience which she has made a positive one. I only hope that my daughter is able to do the same.....and goodness knows what number three will bring to the family!!!!

#

Best of luck no matter what you decide

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I really want another baby/babies! I have been on my own with Kai (7) since i was pregnant, but i now have a lovely new partner who has a 10 year old daughter.

 

Kai is so sweet with little children, he really loves them and is always asking me to "get a baby in your tummy". The only thing that worries me if whether he would hurt the baby during a meltdown . Apart from that i can't wait to be a mum again.

 

Just want a wedding ring first though....................

 

Loulou x

[kirstie]

Lou-lou when i was pregnant with my now 8 month old son Aiden, i was so worried that Lewis would hurt him in a meltdown, if he would mean to or not. He was pretty nasty to the younger kids in his nursery but to see him with the baby is wonderful. He is so sweet with him and always talking and stroking his face. In turn Aiden laughs hysterically at Lew and adores his big brother, i think it's done wonders for his self esteem and he is so happy around the wee one.

I was very determined never ever to have any more babies after i had Lewis. It was just too hard and i spent most of my time in tears wondering how the hell i was going to get through another day with him........but in time (and a dx under our belts) i began feeling very sad that i would not have any more children. I had met Richard again (childhood sweethearts ) and i was/am so happy that it seemed natural to add to our family. This time i enjoy being a Mum, with my first i was 19 and then Lewis 7 years later and now Aiden i love being a Mum and having my boys around me. Don't get me wrong i love it when they all go to school/work in the morning but i love it even more when they come home again!! And now when the Baby hits the terrible twos i am SO ready for it! it'll be a walk in the park compared to Lews early years!!

Good luck in whatever you decide... i shall be watching this space!!

[Klou]

Had another thought this morning whilst in the shower. I'm wondering if actually it is because of DS having AS that the 'another baby/child' issue has come up . I had felt completely settled on the idea of just one. But maybe that its not right for us now.

 

Does that sound completely insane?

[Stephanie]

Just to add, remember that not all NT kids get along with each other either ... and just because you dont get on when you are younger doesn't mean that you won't as adults.

 

After reading this thread, I am actually reconsidering myself - two things came to my attention .. the thing Jaded said about it not being fair to expect one child to look after the ASD one and also the thing about "it would be nice to give the NT child another NT sibling". Also having 2 boys, I would love a girl.

 

Then on the other hand, I am 35, had a downs scare scan with my last, I might have a child with ASD, my last birth experience was so traumatic I can't even talk about it, varicose veins, stretchmarks, saggy after belly, leaky boobs, night feeds, all that colic, relationship stuggles with a newborn, need for a bigger house, car, cost.

 

Yeah ... pass me my pills!

[Eva]

Hi,

 

I've been told the odds are 1 in 20, to have another ASD child. That really makes me think twice.

 

Cheers,

 

Eva

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I guess there's no right or wrong thing, it's entirely a personal thing. I work full-time and despite that fact that I'd have liked another child, when it became obvious that my son had an ASD, there's just no way that I could have coped. I do however, have a saying ? whatever situation you're in, you'll always manage and get through it because you HAVE to!

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[forbsay]

Hi

 

I found out I was pregnant a week after my son got diagnosed with asd. Boy it was hard ....... had all the rollercoaster emotions with the diagnosis along with morning sickness.

 

On saying that, it is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to my son. His little bossy sister has helped him so much. Drs wanted a bossy sister for him and that is what he has got! It is priceless to watch them playing together.............. . And yes, they have the usual sibling fights . I think my little girl has also encouraged my son to interact a wee bit better with other kids as well.

 

It is a very personal decision to have more babies though ..............

 

Forbsay

[DaisyProudfoot]

I have 5 children, 2 are NT, one is dyspraxic, one is AS. The fifth one came to live with us when he was just 16 months old and his arrival really messed up Martin (AS) for ages. The little one's a toddler at the moment so it's pretty much like having two AS kids in the house anyway! Infact we're keeping are eyes open with regard to the toddler as he is showing some autistic signs (he's my husband's nephew).

 

I think the hardest part is the interaction between your AS child and a baby. My boy is 10 but I still have to watch him because he loves the toddler to bits but can be very rough with him and loses his temper with him so quickly.

 

Apart from that advice all I can say is the choice is yours. Or you can just let nature decide like we did and end up with a five-a-side team