I Need Help

[stressedmumto2]

Sorry to hear of your sadness.

 

Take care of yourself and take each day as it comes

 

Sending you a hug <'>

[PinkSapphireAngel]

Hun I just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and am so sorry to hear this has been done to you.

 

I can see you love your wife very much, but I am worried about you just waiting around for her to decide what she wants, it can't just be about her feelings and what she wants, you have every right to decide what exactly you want or don't want to happen, please take this time to think about your own feelings and needs too won't you?

 

I am glad your family are being supportive to you and as you can see you have plenty of friends here too.

 

Take care and keep talking to us, please don't bottle anything up inside you.

 

best wishes and cyber hugs

<'>

[Suze]

Whey, glad you got your new duvet.................did you really go for a run??................I,m not kidding here, but getting out and blasting away your emotions is a really good way to release the anxiety.In the past it has worked for me , I used to go mountain biking and during an emotional time it really helped.I,d go out every weekend for 6 hrs and blow away the problems, standing on the top of a peak tears streaming down my face and my body aching, it had a very catharitic effect on me .Going through a pain barrier pedaling up a really steep incline actually felt good , it made my pain and hurt physical which was something at the time I needed to experience.Hope your doing o.k. , this bloke who your wife has met must be a complete ****er , has he left his wife and new born baby ?..........sorry I should,nt get personal.Just hope your o.k. Take care suzex.

[TheNeil]

I did actually go out running. Ok it was on 20 minutes but I went out and stumbled about.

 

To be honest Suze, I couldn't care less about him and his problems. Ok I know that that might sound a bit cruel but I'm focused only on me and Mrs TheNeil. She came round last night and said that she now knows she made a mistake, I'm a million times better than he is and now that she can see him whenever she wants to, she doesn't want to. She also said that she wants to come home but she needs to know that she's coming back for the right reasons. I said that I actually want her to come back but if she does then we're going to have a lot of work to do and a lot things will need to be worked out. She went after about 20 minutes and I only hope that she doesn't do anything stupid in the mean time.

 

I'm getting back into a routine and that's helping a lot. Got a full night's sleep and was up at the crack of dawn getting ready for work, feeding the guinea pigs etc. and now I'm in the office being ignored. Ok it's still the same old work hell but it's, almost perversely, comforting

[Karen A]

Thinking of you.I am no expert but give yourself time to think about what you want in this situation.Karen

[Suze]

hey , glad your up and about doin your thang.........what ya havin for tea?

[TheNeil]

hey , glad your up and about doin your thang.........what ya havin for tea?

 

Pasta...I think. That of course assumes I have time what with cleaning the guinea pigs, checking emails, doing my exercises, getting home, answering phone calls from my mother (bah), sorting out the washing... And Property Ladder is on. Lordy, lordy there just ain't enough hours in the day

[cmuir]

Hi TheNeil

 

You're a star! You've got through these past few days and that's something to be proud of. You're going to come through all of this a much stronger person. NB ? Love Property Ladder too!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[TheNeil]

Hi TheNeil

 

You're a star! You've got through these past few days and that's something to be proud of. You're going to come through all of this a much stronger person. NB ? Love Property Ladder too!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

 

But what would the alternative be? I know that it's easy for me to say that now (especially given the mess I was in on Monday) but I think I've gone back into 'logical' mode and once that happened my brain started procedurising everything, putting everything that needs doing into lists, and generally being 'normal' (normal for me that is). Once it had a few hours to calm down, get over the initial rush of 'panic thoughts' (How am I going to pay the bills? What am I going to do? Will I have to sell the house? etc.) and come up with a strategy to deal with things, even if that means not doing anything until Mrs TheNeil decides what she wants to do, then things became a lot easier (I won't say easy but certainly easier)

 

I think Mrs TheNeil is also starting to come around. She's realised what she's done, she realises what she risks losing and she's admitting that she made a mistake. I'm hoping that by tonight she'll have found her motivation for wanting to come back and will decide to. If she doesn't though then I'll cope - I've done it before so I can do it again. My first three years away from home were spent on my own in a hell hole doing a hellish job with people who hated me (I was eventually moved out of the main office into a little broom cupboard all on my own - a room which didn't even have a window to look out of). I had no transport, no interests outside of computers and didn't make a single friend while I was down there. I was so close to the edge towards the end of that experience that I can vividly remember standing in the hardware store with a box of rat poison in my hand

 

I'm still just as anti-social (although I now know why) but I'm stronger for having been through that, I have friends (albeit of the cyber variety)(I mean you lot by the way), I've learned how to drive (and have a car so I'm not 'trapped'), I've developed new skills and interests and, whether she comes back or not, I think I'll join the local running club

[oxgirl]

I did actually go out running. Ok it was on 20 minutes but I went out and stumbled about.

 

 

Glad you managed to get out and have a run. Good luck.

 

~ Mel ~

[Suze]

, go neil...... .joining the running club is an excellent idea , I am well chuffed neil .I also quite like it in broom cupboards .......as long as they don,t smell of wet mops .Love property ladder too excellent programme , do you watch it for the lovely Sarah Beeny perhaps , like my hubby does .Hope your pasta is nice and firm and not too soggy, and the guniea pigs are glad to see ya suzex.

[Flora]

.Hope your pasta is nice and firm and not too soggy, and the guniea pigs are glad to see ya suzex.

 

 

Al dente

 

I'll just add my cheering too.... TN you're obviously a strong person even if you don't feel that way at the moment. Like you said what is the alternative? But good on you

 

Suze... you're brilliant! What a fab idea to go jogging! I usually ususal get rid of my negative emotional trauma by having a cleaning frenzy Might take up jogging instead, it sounds more fun

[TheNeil]

Love property ladder too excellent programme , do you watch it for the lovely Sarah Beeny perhaps , like my hubby does

 

If it was repeats of Property Ladder then I'd be in the same boat as your husband. But the Bean has let herself go and, dear God, the woman has lost all sense of style since trying to single-handedly repopulate the planet. No, I just watch it now to see the idiots ignore her advice and for Sarah trying desperately hard not to laugh or swear

[Suze]

Neil, my hubby isn,t bothered about the fundamentals, I think it,s more to do with her figure ,it being full as it were..................hope your doin o.k. this morning Suzex

[Jill]

dear God, the woman has lost all sense of style since trying to single-handedly repopulate the planet.

 

I've sort of lost track of where she is on the baby front, there's so many repeats showing I'm not sure if I am seeing a current one & she is pregnant again or if it's an old one & an earlier baby

 

Try and keep your chin up chuck. We're all here & want to help if we can.

Edited August 24, 2006 by Jill

[TheNeil]

Today I'm not doing so good. Didn't sleep too well last night and I've been pretty much starved of work all morning

 

Things were looking up last night and I really thought Mrs Neil would be coming home soon but today she's gone and raised a 'biggie'. We've always agreed that we weren't having kids but now she's decided that she might want some and that she therefore has to think long and hard about whether she can give that up to come back home and be with me

 

I know that most people are parents and I'm pretty much in awe of how you can do that (I know that some people just aren't cut out to be parents and I'm definitely one of them). For me the sounds of kids' voices (and worse, their screaming) is just one of my 'trigger' noises - goes straight through me and makes me just want to run away (I think it must be pitch related). Aside from that we don't have the space and I don't even know if it's fair to bring kids into the world (please, don't hate or judge me, it's just how look at it through my skewed eyes). Mrs Neil knows all this and has known it prettty much since she met me. I really want her back but how can I agree to this? There doesn't even seem to be any sort of 'compromise' situation that I can think of (does anyone know of a 'timeshare' scheme for kids? and etc.)

 

Everyone (family etc.) always says how great a mother Mrs Neil would be and that I'd 'probably not have a problem' - re-assuring that isn't it? Seems as though the one thing she might want is the one thing I can't give her. Even getting out of the office for half an hour there were kids screaming in Leeds city centre and I instantly just couldn't handle it and had to retreat back to my desk

 

So I'm down today and the approach of the weekend is not exactly filling me with happiness

 

On the Sarah Beeny front I figure that she'd be doing everyone a favour if she could paint a number on her stomach indicating which of her army of kids she's carrying at any one time - it would make keeping track of repeats etc. far, far easier

[Frangipani]

Hi The Neil,

 

I think everyone feels that way about other peoples children, when it is your own I think we react differently, and also not all kids are like that, my daughter was as quiet as a mouse most of the time, she was the noisiest baby in the hospital but once they are in a routine, things quieten down.

 

Fear is the biggest thing and is easily overcome with a bit of education in the area.

 

This is a huge one for you and Mrs TN and a very important decision for both of you.

 

Only you two can work this one through.

 

Take care TN

 

We are all here for you, hope you sleep better tonight, that is really important when you are making big decisions like this that you are in the right frame of mind, talk it over, talk to your mother even, she knows you best.

 

[TheNeil]

Fear is the biggest thing and is easily overcome with a bit of education in the area.

 

Yes and I don't mind admitting that I'm scared of this one big time. The thing is, can I afford to take a gamble when I'm gambling with a life? What if I can't handle a baby/child? I know I shouldn't live by 'what if...?'s but in this case I think it's too big a thing to gamble with

Edited August 24, 2006 by TheNeil

[PinkSapphireAngel]

Hello TheNeil, I hope you are feeling a little better at least.

I think joining the running club is a great and really positive idea.

 

As for the baby thing, I think Frangipani has put it very well, but I can understand it can be hard to see it that way when you have not had children of your own (I have 3 boys)

 

Prehaps Mrs TheNeil has been thinking about children for longer than she is letting on right now, could possibly behind her making the mistake she has made with this man,

obviously she should/could have handled it differently but maybe if she already knew how strongly you feel about not wanting/feeling able to face having children she may have not felt able to confront her feelings with herself let alone with you, if that makes sense (I hope so)

 

Maybe letting her talk through these feelings without anything else (without reminding her she already knew how you feel about children, hard as that might be, people cannot always know how they will feel in the future about something, no matter how sure they might seem about their feelings at the time)

 

I really hope you are both able to find peace with everything one or another and be happy.

 

Take care xx

[noogsy]

hi the neil..i think you and mrs neil need to get proper counculling before there can even be any thoughts about babies,but at the end of the day you will both have to compromise for there to be a mr and mrs neil happy ending.mrs neil has pulled a flanker on you at the moment.please dont lose sight of the bigger picture.she has left you and was having thoughts for another person..this doesnt = babies???..love noogsy

[TheNeil]

hi the neil..i think you and mrs neil need to get proper counculling before there can even be any thoughts about babies,but at the end of the day you will both have to compromise for there to be a mr and mrs neil happy ending.mrs neil has pulled a flanker on you at the moment.please dont lose sight of the bigger picture.she has left you and was having thoughts for another person..this doesnt = babies???..love noogsy

 

This is very true however she's examining everything before making the decision about whether to come back or not. Maybe she was thinking about this for a long time before 'the incident' but that doesn't alter the fact that she slept with someone else. Maybe he would give her a baby but I doubt very much that this was the reason she did it

 

I agree that if she tries to use this as a way to have a child (with me) then it's a no go. Yes as a way to open up a long-term discussion but not as a yes/no situation. I want to compromise and I know that there must be problems that we need to look at and address (and it's one of the 'conditions' that I've said we have to both abide by if she comes back) - how do you compromise over a baby though? You either have a baby or you don't have a baby (or I suppose we could do what my brother did and have a baby and then get my mum to look after it most of the time). Maybe I've been tactless (as per usual) but I suggested we could maybe get a dog instead

[noogsy]

hi sweetheart i know you are a aspie and a man but for heavens sakes dont suggest a dog in place of a baby...its NOT the same thing!! not even maybe...she will just walk away from you with her hands over her ears......neither do i suggest you get down to buisness of procreating....babies cant be part of the barganing.but you cant say definately no way(cos that is not compromising)...i think the need to have a baby in 99 percent of woman is very strong.so it was not fair for her to say she would not want one cos she didnt know that till now.......to be fair she has jsut realised how strong the biological clock is....so you are going to have to think it through properly and speak to someone who can make everything very clear for both of you.....hope i have helped love noogsy

[Karen A]

Dear TN sorry OH has made things more complicated for you by raising the baby issue.I decided to add a little of my experience.We were married for many years before having children.I was not always in good emotional shape but we got on pretty well.Having a child was a major stress for me and impacted in a big way on my mental health and hence on our relationship.We have two boys and love them dearly.However it has taken years of work to get our relationship into the condition it is now.I live with the knowledge that my health impacted on the wellbeing of my husband and children.I would never tell anyone what they should do about having children but think it worth saying that they can be a major stress on a relationship.If you know you may find children difficult and you have experienced times of not coping so well it is extremely important to think about what you need.I hope this is ok-Regards Karen.

[Bagpuss]

Good to hear TN that you and MrsTN have now opened up some form of dialogue and you can now both decide what is the best way forward for you both...be that seperately or together. I think the decision to have a baby or not is a tough one. Its such an individual thing, and what suits one person doesn't suit another. Having a family can place a relationship under greater strain at times, more so if one parent isn't 100% behind it as the other. I would go cautiously and think very long and hard about agreeing to have a baby if you feel being a father and all it brings is something you would personally find difficult to cope with. I'm sure you are already doing this though, and wish you all the best whatever you decide. Take care

[kirstie]

Hi TN <'> <'>

I'm really sorry you are going through this! it sucks, been there!!

It is good you are talking though and i hope you continue to do so. I also admire you greatly for voicing your opinions on parenthood, you're right it isn't for everyone. Maybe your wifes biological clock is ticking but hey, emotional blackmail is no way to get things back on track. I'm sorry maybe that sounds harsh, compromise is good but you must also be true to yourself. As for the thought maybe she went with that guy because she thought he would give her a baby, who knows but in truth if he was prepared to do this behind his partners back and young baby (am i right in that??) then that was never going to happen.

I hope you carry on running and making pasta and .........on second thoughts stuff the hoovering!! Property ladder though, i love it. The Bean (good name ) has had some dodgy hairdo's of late but i think she is fab and they NEVER take her advice, dunno why she knows her stuff. Oh, she has two children by the way.

Anyway i hope you get some sleep and don't worry you're never alone here, look after yourself because we all do really care. <'> <'>

Kirstie.

[TheNeil]

Well noogsy's advice about not mentioning the dog was a little late...but Mrs Neil seemed quite keen on the idea

 

Yes we've had another conversation and I explained that no matter how hard I try, I just can't agree to ever wanting a baby. As way of a compromise I suggested possibly adopting a slightly older child (5-6 years old?) and Mrs Neil seemed to think this was 'do-able' and then explained that she didn't necessarily want a baby, she just wanted the option of having a baby - sometimes I think it's the AS that makes things seem complicated, sometimes I think it's just being a bloke. Whatever the situation, this is definitely not something that is to be rushed into and I explained that, as she's done this once, she needs to build up my trust again before I'd even go within a million miles of the idea of having a third little life to consider - what if she does it again? I can't take that risk

 

Looks like we'll be meeting up on Sunday or Monday so hopefully we can get things sorted out or, at the very least, start down the path to a decision about what she wants to do

 

Went out staggering/running again and now I'm shattered and I can now hear my new duvet calling to me again - hopefully I'll be a bit brighter tomorrow

 

Kirstie: Are you sure that The Bean only has two kids? She seems to have been pregnant about 8 times - either that or the editing on Property Ladder really messes with the mind

[Stephanie]

Hey, hi, sounds like you have been going through the mill a bit (to say the least).

 

I am no one to judge but it all seems a bit of a quick turnaround ... the text thing, the affair thing, the moving out thing, the poss moving back in thing, the kid thing etc etc.

 

To have actually moved out took some guts and seemed quite pre-meditated. Why was she so afraid to tell you all about it??

 

Now that your wife has found somewhere else to live etc etc, maybe you should spend a little time apart to really focus and clear your heads and discover what it is you really want. It sounds all too soon for your wife to have realised that "the grass is greener on the other side" - she may just want some time out alone to do all the things she wants to do, a bit of personal space. It will clear the air, you could meet a couple of times a week and go on dates and go back to courting type stuff until you decide which way it is going to go. (Sorry to use the word courting, only Grandparents say that!)

 

It sounds like you have been doing the right thing - by talking (which we all know must be very difficult under the circumstances). You could try going to Relate if you felt that you would be able to talk to them. You can go to see someone (or even communicate through e mail) either individually or as a couple. Check their website.

 

It really sounds like she has been putting a lot of thought in about the possibility of having a child (even though she may have been in denial). I know it can be different for men, but you do not regard your own child the same as anyone elses. Before I had kids, I could never envisage myself changing a nappy, but for your own kids, you do anything without blinking an eyelid. Adopting a 5-6 year old ... I think it would be harder to build a bond (and they still yelp and squeal and cry at that age - only louder!)

 

A puppy or pet may be a good idea or may "bridge a gap" for a while, but I don't think it would be a long term solution. It would give you both a new focus though.

 

Whatever happens, keep talking to her, talk to us ... get it all out.

 

Good luck hun.

[TheNeil]

SHE'S COMING HOME!!!!!

 

I've just had a phone call asking if I can go round tonight and help her move back home. Me, being me, then asked what we were going to do about the weekly shopping

[lollypocket]

Hope things work out for you

 

KW

[noogsy]

hi The Neil i hope everything goes well for you ...i still think counciling is a good idea. :rolleyes:love noogsy

[Suze]

<'> , hey what ever you do don,t give up the running o.k..............love suzex

[kirstie]

TN,

I'm so glad you're happy and things are moving in the right direction for you!! <'> You are quite something and i think you are a lovely guy. Mrs TN is a lucky lady who obviously realises that!

as for the weekly shop, well i have to admit to cheating on that and do it online way easier and less stressful, My AS 6 year old hates it, all the squeeky shopping trollies and the smelly cheese and fish counters and he ends up hiding behind the biggest packs of bog roll, decides it's actually quite amusing to see me rush around the shop sweat running off me in a state of total panic and does it all the more. Hmmm internet shopping it's a godsend!

As for the Bean she difinatley has two kids i saw an interview in one of the TV mags i think it was and someone else asked her the same question, she said it is just the editing makes her look perma-preg!

GOOD LUCK for tonight and, well....for always with Mrs TN i hope you two can put this whole thing behind you and move on, Dogs are fabby by the way. I have a cocker spaniel, bit hyper but great if you want to take it out on a run! (not that i do...)

Take care,

Kirstie.

[Flora]

TN... Do hope you and Mrs TN can be happy.

 

Just a word about dogs... I have 2 dogs and 3 children... the dogs are far more work than the children... believe me!

 

Flo' X

[TheNeil]

Although I offered a dog and Mrs Neil seemed excited, I think the practicalities of having a dog while we both work made her decide that, although a nice gesture, it wasn't practical. besides which I'd already stipulated that we had to have a 'proper' dog and not some tiny, yappy thing

 

Now just got to get through this afternoon and then drive across to pick her stuff up tonight

[mossgrove]

I'm glad you are both working towards sorting things out. There will be a lot of work to be done to get things right again, and I wish you both the very best of luck.

 

Simon

[Jill]

I really really really hope this all works out for you TN.

 

What an awful time you've been through. <'>

 

Take Care. Thinking of you and sending good wish vibes through the ether Can you feel 'em yet?

[TheNeil]

Thinking of you and sending good wish vibes through the ether Can you feel 'em yet?

 

Oh that explains it - I thought it was my shin splints come back to make my life hell again

[Karen A]

Hi TN I am really glad things are looking up for you.I hope you can have some good time together over the weekend-never mind the weekly shop-order a take away. Karen

[Stephanie]

Great news, just keep talking! I know not the best advice for an Aspie ...!

[TheNeil]

Great news, just keep talking! I know not the best advice for an Aspie ...!

 

She's the one person I can talk to - I can usually look her in the eye too!