connieruff

Just to update you : I have requested a SA. However the school have sent me the minutes of the last meeting I had with them and in it they say that.... 'Academically he is a year behind his peers, he needs one to one support at all times and he is unable to work independently. He has made good progress this year because he has been able to have the help of volunteer helpers. This is unlikely to continue as he moves to KS2 in September, and he will share the time of the TA based in Class 3. They go on to say that ..'As was explained to his mum that even if Toby was to have a Statement it would not be possible to implement 1 to 1 support as a statement does not come with additional funding for support' The letter also states ' he now rarely makes strange noises in class' While this has been going on I have found out that my son, since last October has been bullied by three others in the class, and in the playground, he has been the subject of sniggers and whispering and children laughing at him. Two other children told me, and one of the other mothers confirmed it, and I also saw one of the children doing it last October. I had spoken to the teacher and written her a letter about it, but it took a letter to the head and a threat from a soliciter to get them to take action. I think this has been the cause of his meltdowns - poor little chap. He seems a lot happier now, but I worry that the school are going to suggest that I send him to another school, they seem to paint a very black picture in the minutes. They are saying that they cannot support a statement, what should I reading between the lines? I thought this remark was an off the cuff remark, so I was very surprised to see it in black and white... Thanks Connie

I think there are many causes, when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, as I was an older mum, I had about 10 scans, and the last one the operative held the ultrasound thingy on my stomache for what seemed like ages as she wanted me to see 'baby 'turn' - I actually felt heat and very uncomfortable, and guess what - a headline that week, said ultra sound scans and autism were linked. Great thinks I. It wasn't until my child was born and he was three (before I knew he had Aspergers) I was in the park and a man I was chatting to said 'Is he special? I said 'What do you mean' and he said does he have autism? I said no as I had no idea what he was talking about. The reason this man had said this was because my son was looking at him in a certain way and this man worked in a autism unit. He said that the one thing a lot of the mothers have in common is that they had very stressful pregnancies, which I had, I was distraught through most of my pregnancy, I remember thinking at the time that this stress was not going to have a good effect on my unborn child. My ex boss had a son who was severely affected by autism, and she was convinced that the MMR had caused it, as her son had reached all of the age appropriate milestones and then had the MMR and screamed for 2 days, then regressed, so badly he is in a home. I was told by a visting guest speaker who is an expert on Autism that the MMR can sometimes cause Autism. But I realise now that my sons father has Aspergers or something very similar, his mother has OCD and other undiagnosed mental health problems, so I definately think it is inherited in some way. I work in a place where there is a lot of Aspies, highly intelligent people, and although their people skills aren't great, their contribution to science is immeasurable.

Karen Thanks - this was very helpful, I cut and paste the whole lot into a Word doc and have tailored it to suit my sons circumstances. This website is invaluable. Cx

Thanks Chris, will do - good luck with your SA!

Hi, I have send copies of documents with my request for a SA, and have received back a form which thanks me for my request and asks me to complete the enclosed form. The form asks me to tick as appropriate: 5 boxes, 1) I enclose my views 2) Provide at a later date within 29 days) 3) Wish to discuss in person 4) I do not wish to provide my views at this stage 5) I do give my consent for information on my child to be shared with a range of professional as appropriate 6) I do give my permission for my child to be seen by an educational Psycholgist. I have given them all of the docs that I have , and a written report on why I think my son shoud be assessed (ie he's a year behind, although of average ability and next term I have been told that there will be no help also he has emotional problems which make it diffcult for him to learn unless its very much 1 2 1. As he was so behind I have been giving him 10 minutes a day extra help. and I was shocked that he seems to have a lot of trouble with very basic sums, ie 2 + 3 - he sometimes says 23 and sometimes crys and says he cant do it. There is a definate problem there, I think it may be dyscalclia. Dont get me wrong I dont push him, but do you think I should mention when I send the form back? Thanks Cx

You say you know that your son does not like PE, do you know why? Is it the noise or the disruption of routine by having to get changed etc? Does he have trouble taking his clothes off and putting them on again? He may well be hiding his stuff, but if he is then you need to find out why he doesn't like PE. My son makes noises and becomes hyperactive when the music starts and they all run around, and then he gets told off and laughed at, so he started to have stomach ache every PE day, he would ask what day it was and if I said Tuesday he woud say 'I dont feel well'

Jsmum, I know where you are coming from! My son got hold of his brothers Saints Road 2 game, and not only learnt how to use the controls but how to use the Xbox etc. I must admit all I saw him doing was racing cars and lorries etc, he loved it, but my eldest son saw what he was doing and told me he should not have it, as it was violent, this is when the trouble started. I sat and watched him playing the game and he was getting real enjoyment out of it. He loved the fact that he could drive around in any vehicle he wanted. As I could not moniter him with this game the whole time I had to bin it in the end, as I used to hide it and he would find it, or nag and cry the whole time. We bought him the Cars game but this was very boring and tame. My sons eventually bought him a game which has all of the car action in it but no violence, as soon as I can find out the name of it I will let you know Jsmum. I think gaming is so addictive and it seems to calm my son down and let him unwind. Why dont they make these games suitable for children? They dont have to include the violence do they, they would certainly sell well.

Sorry to hear that your son is being bullied by this teacher. She sounds as if she is losing it, to be quite frank. A good source of information about what goes on in the classroom is to ask other parents - they may have some idea if she is singling out your son or if she is like it to the whole class. Do you know any other parents of his classmates? This will give you a bigger picture so you can speak to her or the head with more information. A chat face to face with the teacher should go down better than emails, it may be that she does not realise how upset your son is. Try to appeal to her better nature, and to smooth things over, she may, as you say, use your son as an easy target because he does not answer back, so she is taking out her frustration on not being able to control the class so well, on your son. Would the TA give any insight into what is going on in this class? I dont know what subject this is but could you give him private lessons on this subject or buy some books on it - so that he can catch up? Someone who screams and shouts like this does not sound very happy, so getting to the bottom of this is crucial. Good luck. Cx

very interesting replies... and thanks everyone. I suppose my lingering thoughts about this whole saga will be that if the school had dealt with it when it was first brought to their attention then this would never have happened. Confrontation and even complaining does not come easily to me and makes me wake up in the night - cringing. I've had a lifetime of turning the other cheek. Anyway I've had my cofee now baddad, feel much better, thanks for your replies. Yes you do make sense, but equally so do all of the other posters here, we all have different boiling points and a lot depends on how long it has gone on for and the effect it has had on our children. Have a good weekend everyone. Cx

Sweet people! I want to live there.

Baddad- not sure where you get the impression I have demonstrated ‘that aggression and intimidation’’ are acceptable. Where did I say that I was aggressive and intimidating?? I told her in no uncertain terms that ‘yes I did have a problem, her son has been bullying mine for a long time, and it was not my fault if the school were now bringing him to book', she seemed to think it was my fault that her son was in trouble. One thing I have since found out via one of the TAs is that this particular child even when spoken to last year was caught putting his hand over his mouth so he could not be seen and whispering nasty things to my son, who would get upset and so they could all laugh at him You say I have not done my son any favours – so by ignoring these people and their children and by letting the school deny there are any problems I am doing my son a favour? By being nice to them and polite to them, I am doing my son a greater favour by letting them torment him every day in the classroom and out of it? Our children look to us to defend them and I had failed by being nice and polite so I owe it to him to make sure it does not happen again, and if I have to do that by taking on these people, their sons and the teachers then I will. The do not respond to anything else – why do you think the head suddenly took action??? Because I accused her of being a bully herself by letting it continue, I told her I had a solicitor champing at the bit to get at the school because they broke the law last year by discriminating against him. I let loose the dogs of war! MY point is I should not have had to argue and fight with the school to get my sons basic human rights. And I take great exception to you saying I verbally abused his mother in public! You make me sound like a fishwife! I know my son better than you do, and I was asking if Aaron had said something to him as the head had told me that all 3 boys were going to apologise to him that day. Also we are not sales reps, we are one very stressed out mother and one very depressed son who has been living and breathing this problem for many months. Also the car door was closed while I spoke to the mother, and it was not in public, and shall I tell you what really annoyed me about this woman? The fact that she knew the facts and all she cared about was that her son had been caught out and brought to book. The other mothers involved had spoken to me and we chatted in a civilised manner about it. But… at the end of the day the real culprits are the school, I’ve sent letters and phoned and spoken to the school – and because it wasn’t dealt with properly -, it wasn’t nipped in the bud, it has escalated to this, parents up in arms, solicitors advice sought, my son mentally scarred. Sorry I have come across as aggressive now, I have not had a coffee yet! 

I've always tried very hard to keep my cool with other parents, and am always biting my tongue. But today I just flipped, I have had trouble with this particular boy bullying my son since playgroup, and it has escalated since October last year. (along with soem others) I was putting my son in his car seat today and I said to my son 'Did Aaron say anything to you today?' And just then his mum walked behind me (late as usual) as I straightened up she said 'You got a problem?' And I just saw red, I said 'Yes I have actually' and then told her what I thought of her son. And then she said 'My son was hauled in front of the head today WITHOUT ME BEING THERE' and I said well you should bring your son up properly then ...etc etc, I know, I know shouldnt have done it - but it felt good!

Hi, I don't know anything about this but... have you asked the doctors in charge: why is she taking these drugs? what they hope to achieve by her taking them? will it help long term? how long she will be taking them for, exactly? what the side effects are? and how will they measure sucess? what is sucess exactly, which brings us around to the question again - why is she taking these drugs???? What prompted her to go in there? I would go with your gut reaction, what do you feel is right for HER - is she suffering - is she getting better??? Is she happy? The brain is mostly unchartered territory, they will be hoping for the best but they don't really know. My gut reaction on reading your thread? - get her out of there. But as I said I'm no expert. Good luck Cxx

Is there any way he can finish his education at home? It sounds like our children just hate school, the bullying, the stress of trying to learn in an busy, loud, bustling environment which is so hard for them to cope with. It doesnt help that the teachers just do not know what they are dealing with - the knee jerk reaction of calling you - instead of trying to work out what the flash point for these children is. My friend who was a teacher now has her 15 year old son at home doing GCSE via some scheme or other. I'm sure she said it helps if your child is statemented. It's worth looking into surely? I can only imagine what hell Aspie children are going through now they know that school is only a few days away. Can you imagine how you would feel if your job made you feel so depressed and anxious? I feel so strongly that mainstream school is not the place for our special children. We have such a long way to go. My son is so happy when he is not at school, his hand flapping has increased, I used to think that this was a sign of anxiety but now I know that it is also a sign of great happiness, he is a different boy out of school. Cx

Hi, I was talking to a woman who has been through the nightmare of school with her 15 year old and he is now at home taking exams. She said that if my son becomes ill and depressed when he goes back to school then the best thing I could do for him was to take him to the doctor and get him signed off for 'emotional distress'' this was because I told her I feel almost cruel for sending him to school as the teachers and his class 'mates' bully him. She said if this happened then it would help my case for getting him statemented as well. Has anyone ever done this, and what happens when a child is signed off school? Thanks, Cx

Freddy, I've felt like callling my sons dad and asking him to take our son away. Its hard to keep loving someone when all you seem to get is hate back. But I realise that my son is very unhappy - all to do with school. But - you as a mother still have rights, you have visiting rights and you have the right to speak to the teachers at the new school. I would keep in regular contact with her dad, keep it very, very sweet, you will have to bite your tongue. tell him exactly what you have said here, that you were at the end of your tether and that you need some help, and respite, but you still love her. I don't think emails work, they can be misconstrued - its best to pick up the phone. The way back to her is through her dad. Good luck.

Bullying does not stop when you leave school and it can happen in factories or blue chip companies where they employ professional people. I have been bullied by my manager and by people who worked for me. It can be devastating. The one thing I have learnt from this is: Keep a diary, of everything people say and do, and how it made you feel at the time. It can be ignoring you - excluding you, or spiteful remarks, or even raising eyebrows over your head. Whatever - your human rights are being breached. Telephone ACAS and/or see a soliciter at the Citizens Advice, (long wait at the CAB though I'm afraid) if you have a good doctor see him or her as well. Look up on the internet 'bullying in the workplace'. You say your boss is dealing with it, well it sounds as if he is adding to it by saying something like that. In a workplace there are all kinds of different personalities, quiet ones, loud ones, spiteful ones, etc etc. Most people are a mix; how boring if everyone was the same. People who bully are the lowest of the low in my opinion. Good luck - let us know how you get on. CXXXXXX

Thanks everyone for your wise replies. I took your advice and have sent a letter to the head with the copy of the other letter which I had sent to the teacher a few months ago, and to which I had no reply. I have calmed down a bit now and realise that a soliciter would have been heavy handed at this stage, but I can tell you that I was ready to send in the SAS. Will let you know how I get on. The best of this is that my son heard his friend and I discussing this and I read out the letter I sent to the head to him and he has now started to talk to me about it. He seems to realise that it is not nice or right to make other people feel sad. Cheers, Cx

Interesting.. as at a meeting with the school I was told by the head that the lady who looks after the children at the after school club did not want to look after my son anymore - she knows nothing about Aspergers and asked me once - ''What's wrong with him??'' In the interests of my child I agreed with my manager to work flexibly - but what would I have done if my boss had not been so amenable? And my son was excluded from the nativity play rehearsals (over a period of several days he had to just sit there and watch) as he was 'messing about,'' this caused him so much distress I had to keep him off school for the duration of the rehearsals, would this be classed as bullying by the teacher? Bullying takes many forms, so thanks for posting this, I have not read it yet but I expect it will be very interesting.

Hi, I have just requested a SA. Since requesting it, although I had been pretty sure my son had been bullied I could never quite prove that it was happening still and on a regular basis. To cut a long story short I have been out twice in the last few days with two of my sons schoolmates and their parents and I have been told by both children independently that my son is the butt of jokes, nudges and sniggering while he is in the classroom. Three boys are doing it - and I actually caught one of them some time ago doing it at the breakfast club, as I had really told him off at the time and he apologised I thought it had stopped. I had told the teacher and have also written a letter to her but had no reply. He has been very distressed and upset since starting this class and no-one can be quite sure why, although he has Aspergers. I feel in my bones that this bullying is at the heart of the problem and sadness he is having. I had contacted a soliciter - initially to help me out and get advice when (not if!) I am turned down for SA. But the soliciter - who has great experience with dealing with SEN cases and schools says that he will write a letter to the school. I'm not sure this is the best thing, but to be honest they have ignored me and are responsible for great distress caused to my son - is it time now to go to the next stage? Thanks, C

Hi Donna, I can sympathise, as my son is 7 and went into meltdown as soon as he went to Class 2. I think this was due to a number of things but bullying was the main problem, and the seating arrangements. Is he being bullied? Ask around, he won't necessarily tell you you know. As regards homework, then your son is exhibiting completely normal behaviour for an Aspergers child. I have found with my 7 year old that a lot of the homework can be done when out walking or whatever. I bought the Letts KS1 books science , English and maths from the school and a lot of it can be done without sitting down - just chatting about the different subjects like verbs, syllables and nouns, can be taught without it seeming to be homework. Look at what they are supposed be learning from the books and talk to them about it rather than sit them down to stare at a book. I found with my son there is only one time that he will do any written homework and that is in bed, and I say to him stop when you like, and if he knows he can stop when he likes it gives him back control. Buy yourself the book called 'The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome by Tony Attwood, it will explain here why children with Aspergers hate homework. Also only do it for a few minutes at a time. Learning about time and money are very difficult and I dont think these subjects should be mixed up with maths. I found also that the homework papers my son was given was too 'busy' - if for instance there are several sums on one page then block off with a sheet of paper the rest of the sums and just concentrate on the one sum, you may find his eyes are busy looking at the whole page and not just the one sum. use blocks of wood to count and subtract, he may be very visual. Goos luck, C.

Hi Sally Re the other children laughing at my son in class, well I've just come back from a day out with a friend of my sons who sits next to him. He told me that there are three boys who laugh at my son in the class and my son just has to get up and walk or talk and they laugh at him, it is the same three who I had suspected. I asked this boy what the teacher and the TAs do while this is going on and he said she/they don't see it, and if this boy complains to this teacher she doesn't take any notice. I can tell you that when you are driving along and someone is telling you your son is bullied like that I nearly swerved off the road I was so angry. I knew it was happening, but I thought it was stopping, as I had written a letter to the teacher explaining my concerns. She did not reply to the letter. Now this may be the cause of his meltdown, or one of the causes anyway, and I have no idea what to do now, do I complain to the head - to the governers? - or leave it as I have just sent off my letter for a request for SA. Will the LEA note that I have complained about bullying again and think that if the school can effectively deal with the bullying then no need for a SA? The mood I am in now I feel like taking on all of the teachers in a bare knuckle fight. Thanks everyone for the supportive, informative replies. Cxx

Hi, Just a quickie, I used a template for the request for statutory assessment and sent it off yesterday, however I have just re-read the copy and I have put in the opening paragraph: ''I believe that my child needs more help than the school is able to provide' and then I went on to outline his problems etc. I looked at the original template and that sentence wasn't in there, so now I think maybe I should not have put it in. Will this be OK? Thanks, C

Hi, I asked the teacher where was my sons workstation was, as on my sons IEP it stated - 'Own workstation if required' - she said 'Well it was here - and she indicated a good corner of the classroom where the other children were not able to stare at him and laugh at him. But then she said but we had to move it to here - and she indicated a place just behind a row of childrens chairs where my son would have been facing sideways on to the children and they would be able to look at him but not him them. I thought it would have added to his anxiety not helped it. I asked her 'how often does my son ask to sit there? And she said he is not allowed to ask - we sit him there when he is disruptive. I'm in the process of writing my request for assessment - but the schools outreach lady has got wind of me doing this and said she may do her own assessment rather than get the Educational phychologist in, now I smell a rat here, I'm not sure why but I dont trust her, she so far has failed to help my son, and she does not bang the table enough at the school meetings. Why would she propose to do this? I feel strongly that the school are going to play dirty here. Should I see a soliciter to look over the request before I send it? Also a lot of what I am going to write in the request looks very bad on the teachers, ie I could say that they have told me that they will not support a statement etc, should this be kept in, or take it out?

Hi, My older NT sons have always been addicted to Playstation and PCs etc, and they are now both going to Uni. I used to hide the PS and take it my mums etc and I would get really upset if they played in the summer holidays - this is when I would take it away from them. My youngest aspie son has just discovered Xbox and he plays on one game the whole time, driving cars around - he is addicted and if I have to take him off he bangs his head on the door, flaps his hands and crys. If I give him notice ie say to him you have 20 more minutes and then keep counting down, to 5 minutes then he is better than if I say to him right thats it, and just pull him off it. I'm hoping that he will get bored playing the same game - but... it does seem to relax him and he really enjoys it, so I wont stop him altogether but get him into the routine of only having so long on it. When you take your son off it, then have something else for him to do that he enjoys, maybe take him out in the car or divert his attention with a DVD and a nice hot chocolate or something he likes. You have to be careful also that they dont get Xbox hand, my son couldn't grasp a pencil because he had been on the Xbox for too long. Good luck, C