please i just need to know someones there

[becci]

oh god where do i start.well a. came home from school today in a bad mood.all because his dad did his shoe laces wrong this morning.then it just blew.it was my fault they were wrong i should have got out of bed to sort them.never mind i had been up til 4.30 working.then he wanted to ride his bike but couldnt get it out the shed.so that was my fault for buying him a bike.

then he was playing out and beat up his 7 year old sister,by this point i had had enough.i went out to bring him in to tell him off in private,when he threw himself down on the floor and pretended to faint.when i told him to get up he screamed at all the street that i was going to beat him.i have never hit him in all his life.

anyway i got him in and i lost it,i started shouted and screaming at him and i got right up in his face and bullied him verbally.i am so ashamed.

i asked him if he liked feeling the way he makes his sister feel.then he starts screaming in my face that he wishes i were dead.so i take him up to his rooom.and all hell let loose.he started threatening me telling me he was going to burn me in my bed while i sleep,that he is going to stab me when im not expecting it.i screamed back that i want to put him in care.

i dont mean it and i know i have probably just damaged him emotionally for the rest of his life.

i feel so bad i cant do this anymore.i just cant take it.

i feel i dont know how i feel.i just need someone to give me a cuddle and help me.i feel so alone.and now i know i am a bad mother.so it would seem my mother-in-law was right all along.maybe if i had been stricter when he was little he wouldnt be like this now.

im sorry to put all this on you lot but i am so alone i didnt know who else to go to.and im too ashamed to tell anyone else.its easier you know cos i dont know anyone on here.its just a screen and words.thankyou.

[llisa32]

Becci......please don't feel that you have damaged him for life because you lost your rag and said things you don't mean...we have all done it, and we all know how ###### you are now feeling. <'>

 

If he is quiet and calm now are you able to talk to him? - just acknowledge that you got angry, sometimes people say things they don't mean when they are angry etc..Once you've said that to him you'll probably feel better. Even if you have to shout it thru the bedroom door like I sometimes have to at least they know you've said sorry for saying something you didn't mean and that course you love them loads etc etc but you're not bionic woman.

 

You are NOT a bad mother...you are very obviously a mum who loves her kids very much who just happened to lose her patience...we have definately all done it, and will prob do it again at some point. It's so easy in the situation to just get caught up because it's all soo tiring.

 

Please please forgive yourself for this....it's part of being a mum, it's a tough one

 

I'll be thinking of you.....

[Bard]

Becci, there's always someone here to listen and sympathise, so go ahead and scream to us!

Firstly, you haven't damaged him emotionally for the rest of his life, you have only shown him that you are a human being. Children aren't destroyed by a loving mother, at the end of her tether, shouting at them.

You have been arguing his case for 6 years and only now are you beginning to receive some help from others.

That's not a bad parent. You worked 'til 4.30, am I presume. You are exhausted.

He's 9 years old, emotionally about 6 with little or no empathy for others, so he won't understand how much his words hurt you. He was in the middle of a meltdown and yelling whatever he felt like.

Stick him in his room and leave him to calm down for a while. Don't try and communicate when he's not able to listen. Go downstairs, have a drink ( coffee, vodka..both) and know that you are one of a huge group of people trying to do the best you can with what you have. And sometimes things go to pieces.

You don't want to put him in care, you want him in a soundproofed box, preferably asleep, until you are up to coping with the constant demands. How do I know? How do you think I know?

 

" i feel i dont know how i feel.i just need someone to give me a cuddle and help me.i feel so alone.and now i know i am a bad mother.so it would seem my mother-in-law was right all along.maybe if i had been stricter when he was little he wouldnt be like this now.

im sorry to put all this on you lot but i am so alone i didnt know who else to go to.and im too ashamed to tell anyone else.its easier you know cos i dont know anyone on here.its just a screen and words.thankyou."

 

His AS is hard-wired into him. Being stricter would not have changed this at all. What you will come to develop are strategies that enable you and him and the rest of your family to cope better. It won't change the essential nature of Aaron. It will help you deal with what you have.

There are so many people who post here who have experience and ideas and understand without judging. And some of us work 'til 3am!

And don't get me started on Mothers In Law again!

 

<'> >< <'>

Edited June 27, 2007 by Bard

[becci]

thankyou for your support guys.its calmer now.i need to go talk to his dad now,but i thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening and responding.

[bluejean-genie]

Hi Becci,

glad it is calmer now, just wanted to send you some <'> <'> <'> <'>

[clintess]

Hi,your not are not alone my ds1 and ds2 can have days like these,dont feel guilty we all feel stressed from time to time.Can you not phone his peaditrition and ask for some advice,i can with mine.Maybe ask to make an appointment to discuss in depth what may help.I hope things get easier for you.

[Shnoing]

...

i asked him if he liked feeling the way he makes his sister feel.then he starts screaming in my face that he wishes i were dead.so i take him up to his rooom.and all hell let loose.he started threatening me telling me he was going to burn me in my bed while i sleep,that he is going to stab me when im not expecting it.i screamed back that i want to put him in care.

i dont mean it and i know i have probably just damaged him emotionally for the rest of his life.

...

 

You should bear in mind that he probably interprets all you say verbally so you'd rather explain the rules (e. g. no to hit his sister) verbally instead of using rhethorical questions which he can't understand. You should explain your feelings to him including the reasons for screaming at him (including the "threat"). His mind will take some time to understand but it's much better if you have put some information there by talking to him.

 

<'> <'> <'>

[aro]

Ummm ok, I hope this helps even though it might not seem like it.....

 

When I was little (younger than 5yrs as we moved house then) I had done something, (don't remember what but I was a right pain in the butt,) and my mum had obviously reached the end of her tether too because..... she packed me a bag and stood me on the street in my nightie and told me to wait for the people from the naughty girl home to come and get me!!!!

I remember this VERY vividly and before you think "how does this help, she's been scarred for life" two things;

 

1) You aren't the only person to lose it and my mum didn't have to deal with an ASD child, just a very naughty one, a toddler and lot's of other stresses.

 

2) I can honestly say that my mum is my best friend, infact I moved across Britain to be in the same village as her after having my dd.

 

It certainly did not have any lasting effect on our relationship! Please don't beat yourself up over this one incident! I'm sure you are a very good mum and your children do know that they have your undying love.

I hope things are calmer now and you can talk to your son about this.

 

((((hugs))))

A x

[Eva]

Hi becci,

 

as others have said, no one is perfect and many of us have said/done things we feel guilty about. Lots of <'> <'> .

 

Eva

[Bagpuss]

Huge hugs Becci, your only human <'>

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Becci, please don't beat yourself up about this, you are a good Mum and we all have had and will have moments like this, I know it probably does not help, but remember we are all here for you and understand what you are going through.

Clare x x x

[pearl]

We've all lost it at times hun, every one of us.

Have a rant on here whenever you need it.

And tell your mother in law to take a running jump.

[Kathryn]

Hi Becci,

 

Been there too. I remember during a very stressful period screaming at my daughter and the words "social services" and "put in care" coming into it somewhere - more than once!

 

I know what you mean about it being easier to talk about it here, rather than to people in real life who you feel might judge you. As others have already said, you're definitely not a bad mum. You're doing the very best you can in tough circumstances. Put today behind you - tomorrow will be better.

 

<'> <'>

 

K x

[becci]

hi all,ok i talked to my hubby and aaron,and we both apologized and i explained about adults getting angry and reasured him that i love him,and he asked to phone grandma,i said ok.(mother-in-law)once he was on the phone he told i had hit him with a slipper.within ten minutes she was at my house telling me i should have done it years ago but that she wasnt going to accept the fact i had hurt her little angel,and she is seriously considering phoning the social services.well as you can imagine i was fuming...perfect end to a perfect day.

by this point i have had just about as much as i can take.so she was told that i have been listening to her opinion for nearly 10 years and its always been a load of rubbish and if she didn`t like the way i parent my kids to get the **** out of my house and not come back.and for the FIRST time ever my hubby backed me up.so she left in a huff.and then i got a visit from the police asking me if they could see my son.so i let them in,they asked him questions without me being in the room just my hubby and then they left.it would seem that she called them and told them i had beaten aaron.aaron told them i hadnt and my hubby explained about the asd and odd,and the meltdown of the day and they accepted it and left.

there then followed a very nasty phone converstion between hubby and m.i.l. which resulted in him telling her never to darken our door again.

huge relief this woman has terrorised me for 14 years since i was 16 years old.well no more.but what do i do about the kids at the end of the day she is their grandma and they love her???????

anyway aaron had a huge sobbing fit saying he was sorry for lying and all so i gave him a hug and he went off to bed,but i am so mad at the moment i feel like i never want to set eyes on him again.

half the street were out nosing as to why the police were there and what had all the shouting been about,so i went on the street and acted like a fishwife.

i dont care what they think of me they dont have to live with it on a daily basis,and i told them that.i also said that if they thought they could do any better to feel free to email me at www.icouldntgivearatsass.com.

lol.

and now im going to have a very large glass of red.care to join me.

[Clare63]

Good for you Becci, sounds like a long time coming.

 

Think I'll join you.......

 

 

Clare x x x

[Bard]

<'> for your partner too.

I was never so proud of my little brother as when he defended his wife to my father, and told him that he was NEVER to speak to her like that again, or brother would break contact with him.

Dad's not evil, just rather pompous, domineering and over-protective of his grandchildren. D-I-L had had a major bust-up with my daughter aged 9 at a birthday party, and my dad blew up.

Dad had to rethink his relationship with everyone and back down a bit. It took several cool months, but now, years later, everyone loves, and respects, each other a lot more.

Your M-I-L has had things her own way for long enough. It's time for her to reflect and decide what she's going to do, if she wants to try and mend some of the harm she has caused. She sounds highly emotional, rather immature and somewhat egocentric, beg pardon if I'm wrong. It won't do Aaron any harm to realise that actions have consequences either.

And I'll have a hot rum toddy, if we're having a tipple.

[BusyLizzie100]

Oh Becci, poor you! Lots of hugs coming your way. <'> <'> <'>

 

Glad you got relief from telling your MIL how it is. Some people just don't get it and you're trying so hard to do the right things for you son. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.

 

I hope you have a more peaceful day today

 

Lizzie x

[pearl]

Sheesh becci what a piece of work that woman is.

Sometimes you just have to cut toxic people out of your life.

Sad, but true.

Hang on in there hun xx

[pumpkinpie]

<'>

Your mother in law did that????????????????

Sweetheart you are better of without her - what a ............

To your husband for standing up to her, she sounds a foolish bully.

 

None of us get it right all the time, it sounds to me as if you have been an absolute star.

Well done - hope things are calmer today

[pumpkinpie]

<'>

Your mother in law did that????????????????

Sweetheart you are better of without her - what a ............

To your husband for standing up to her, she sounds a foolish bully.

 

None of us get it right all the time, it sounds to me as if you have been an absolute star.

Well done - hope things are calmer today

[Shnoing]

hi all,ok i talked to my hubby and aaron,and we both apologized and i explained about adults getting angry and reasured him that i love him,

...

and then i got a visit from the police asking me if they could see my son.so i let them in,they asked him questions without me being in the room just my hubby and then they left.it would seem that she called them and told them i had beaten aaron.aaron told them i hadnt and my hubby explained about the asd and odd,and the meltdown of the day and they accepted it and left.

...

 

Great, so he seems to be on ok terms with you (again).

 

<'> <'> <'>

and

[witsend]

Have just caught up with all this post - Becci - <'> <'> <'> <'> hope things are feeling a bit better now. Just speechless at the whole MIL thing!! I hope you have realised by now you are not a bad mum, quite the contrary in fact and your MIL deserves to be rolled in honey and put in a bee garden!!! (something my lovely mum used to say about those who deserve it when she was here! )

Take care - Luv Witsend.

[bid]

Becci...hope things are a bit better <'>

 

Bid

Edited June 29, 2007 by bid

[hev]

Hi becci,

 

as others have said, no one is perfect and many of us have said/done things we feel guilty about. Lots of <'> <'> .

 

Eva

i feel guilty all the time,we are only human becci,we love our kids dearly,me and steve have rows but we are extremely close,they know we love them

[hev]

hi all,ok i talked to my hubby and aaron,and we both apologized and i explained about adults getting angry and reasured him that i love him,and he asked to phone grandma,i said ok.(mother-in-law)once he was on the phone he told i had hit him with a slipper.within ten minutes she was at my house telling me i should have done it years ago but that she wasnt going to accept the fact i had hurt her little angel,and she is seriously considering phoning the social services.well as you can imagine i was fuming...perfect end to a perfect day.

by this point i have had just about as much as i can take.so she was told that i have been listening to her opinion for nearly 10 years and its always been a load of rubbish and if she didn`t like the way i parent my kids to get the **** out of my house and not come back.and for the FIRST time ever my hubby backed me up.so she left in a huff.and then i got a visit from the police asking me if they could see my son.so i let them in,they asked him questions without me being in the room just my hubby and then they left.it would seem that she called them and told them i had beaten aaron.aaron told them i hadnt and my hubby explained about the asd and odd,and the meltdown of the day and they accepted it and left.

there then followed a very nasty phone converstion between hubby and m.i.l. which resulted in him telling her never to darken our door again.

huge relief this woman has terrorised me for 14 years since i was 16 years old.well no more.but what do i do about the kids at the end of the day she is their grandma and they love her???????

anyway aaron had a huge sobbing fit saying he was sorry for lying and all so i gave him a hug and he went off to bed,but i am so mad at the moment i feel like i never want to set eyes on him again.

half the street were out nosing as to why the police were there and what had all the shouting been about,so i went on the street and acted like a fishwife.

i dont care what they think of me they dont have to live with it on a daily basis,and i told them that.i also said that if they thought they could do any better to feel free to email me at www.icouldntgivearatsass.com.

lol.

and now im going to have a very large glass of red.care to join me.

becci good on you for telling your m i l where to go,i wish i had told my x one where to go when i was younger,my steve often calls people including police that ive beat him up,i havent obviously,he drives me mad with it,i feel like a criminal when police come so i know how you feel,hope things ok today <'>

[elun1]

<'> <'> Hi Becci

Just wanted to send you some <'> <'> <'>

Words fail me as to your m i l. Thought mine was unsupportive but this is totally beyond.

Hope you are OK. Like Hev says the guilt is always there. Why? I dont know as we are all really trying our best in such difficult circumstances but it's just exhausting

You're not alone

Love Elun xxx <'> <'> <'>