More tales of woe ...............

[oxgirl]

Well, after all the troubles of last year we had a healing summer and we both set off for school feel optimistic and hopeful that this year would bring good things. Lots of more able children have started in the unit and I felt confident that Jay would have lots more opportunities to make friends and have some good experiences, we were even planning to take up transport, as there is a minibus going from our town and taking three other kids to the unit, so was feeling unusually perky yesterday...........

 

........until at 2.00 the teacher calls to say that Jay is flagging and very tired and can I come to get him. 'Oh', she mentions as an aside in a very offhand way, 'he says his hand hurts but I don't think it's anything, as he's only just mentioned it'.

 

When I got there I couldn't believe the state I found him in. He'd injured his wrist when he fell over in a drama lesson at 10.00 and it had gotten worse and worse as the day had gone on. It was swollen and he couldn't move it and he was in a lot of pain. He looked terribly pale and sweaty and was exhausted and looked absolutely terrible. He told me he'd broken down in a science lesson and cried because he was in so much pain. I took him to my GP, who sent us straight to casualty for an x-ray and he was in total meltdown and panic mode and hysterical by then. Cut a long story short, we spent two hours in casualty and they said that in the area he said it was hurting there's a tiny bone that they can't see on an x-ray and it could be broken. They gave him a splint to wear and said if it's still painful in ten days to come back.

 

Now, I don't mind if he falls over and breaks his arm, these things happen and that's nobody's fault, but the level of care he received was in my opinion negligent. They made him sit there for four hours in pain and feeling sick and terrible and just didn't take is seriously. He had told people that he was in pain and it was obvious that he was distressed and I just can't understand why it was just dismissed. My feeling is that they just thought he was making a fuss about nothing and so ignored him. How can I trust these people to take care of him and keep him safe when they show such little concern for his wellbeing.

 

I'm at a loss really.

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

Awwwwwwwww Mel,

How awful, poor J and poor you for having to pick up the pieces.

How is he today, has he gone to school? Its such shame after with the work with his confidence you have been doing.

 

I am so sorry its been such a bad start.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[oxgirl]

Thanks Clare, my optimism didn't last long before it was knocked out of me yet again. <'> He's off today, he was so exhausted last night he went straight to bed. He's sploshing about in the bath at the mo, we'll have to see about what we want to do on Monday.

 

Cheers. <'>

[brooke]

oh Mel <'> im so sorry i really hoped this year would be better for you both What on earth is wrong with his teachers i would be hopping mad. How long did they leave it before they called you?

I really hope he feels better soon and you <'>

Brooke

[forbsay]

I am so sorry too.

 

Sending you lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks Brooke and Forbsay. All of my trust in them has been shattered, seems to be quite a regular occurance.

Brooke, they left him for over four hours to suffer! I don't understand how they could not notice how much pain he was in, with his arm dangling limply by his side for that long. She just called me and told me he was 'flagging' and 'very tired'! What, are they BLIND or do they just not give a damn??!!

 

~ Mel ~

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

<'> <'> <'>

soo sorry u guys have been treated so badly, shame it has to be this way

sounds like the injury meggzie may have, they have to sometimes wait ten days to re- x ray it

and megs is good pain wise but it really hurts her

 

thinkin of u both

x

[curra]

Mel <'> <'> <'> I'm so sorry for poor J, it's unbelievable that nobody noticed that he was injured and in pain!. Teachers need to open their eyes more to see individual children and not just a class.

Good days at school don't seem to last, do they, but I hope that he feels well again soon.

 

Lots of <'> <'> to you and J.

 

Curra

[Flora]

Hi mel, that's just dreadful.... <'>

 

What on earth were they at ignoring him for four hours???? I hope you get some answers.

 

Hope J is feeling better today. Not a good start to the term for you and him!

 

Love Flora XX

[pearl]

Oh Mel I'm so sorry. Poor lad <'>

[mumble_rocks]

Mel is it the scafoid bone in the snuffbox at the bottom of the thumb by any chance?

Thats the one I did when I had the accident on Heelies and the one I am still nursing on the other hand at the moment after a fall in Poland! If so, there may be a long string of xrays to come, just a warning and 12 wks in plaster! Thats proberly not want you want to know!

It is offically the one of the most painful bones in the body to break and must'nt be undermined as if it splits down the middle it cuts the blood supply off to the other side of the bone, it will die very quickly and will take an operation to try and get the blood flow back into it.

 

Hope its not broken,

M.R

[oxgirl]

Thanks for the replies and the support, guys. Had a long heart to heart with DH last night and I told him that I feel this place is doing more damage than good to our lad. We didn't come up with any answers though, just ended up feeling wretched.

 

Mel is it the scafoid bone in the snuffbox at the bottom of the thumb by any chance?

 

MR, I don't know what the bone is called, but, yes it is at the base of his thumb where he was getting the most pain. The top of his hand, just before the wrist was swollen but it hurt most when he moved his thumb and when the doc pressed right on the base it was tender. It is a lot better today, though, so I'm hoping that if it actually was broken it wouldn't feel better at all. I'm hoping that in a few days it'll be fine as I don't think he would cope well with plaster!! Cheers for the input, hope yours feels better soon. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

this scapoid thingy is what we are waiting to see if meggzie broke again lol

x

[oxgirl]

this scapoid thingy is what we are waiting to see if meggzie broke again lol

x

 

Zoiks, I'm really worried about this now!! It all makes sense, as that's exactly what the radiographer said to me, 'there's a tiny bone in the thumb that doesn't show up no the x-ray, come back in ten days'. Just done a web search and it said exactly the same thing so I know that that is what they're suspecting now. He doesn't want to wear the splint and keeps telling me it is better, but he's not using his arm at all because it hurts when he moves his fingers so he's not moving them! I just want ten days to be over now so it's either better or we can go back and get some treatment for it.

 

Sorry you're going through it as well Lya. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[jlp]

We had similar when ds#1 broke his finger (a door was accidently slammed on it) and no-one noticed how swollen it was.

 

It really is heart breaking to think of your child in pain without comfort and maybe without the means to tell someone that they are hurt (it didn't occur to ds#1, he withdrew to his area)

 

Have you rang the school to say he's been to the hospital and what has happened? Our school were very apologetic afterwards and hopefully it means something similar won't happen again - in fact ds#1 was sent home a week later after jamming his hand again (!) just in case, when that time it was fine.

[pumpkinpie]

Have you complained to the school? This is an offical complaint if ever there was one - I would not send my child back to this school!

[pingu]

<'> <'> What an awful thing to happen. We have (over the years - and spread equally between the three of them) Had similar mishaps at school, which the 'first aid officer' has deemed "non-urgent". I once picked K up from school and he was in a right pickle. His face was bruised, his legs were cut, his left hip was grazed & very bruised and his left elbow was a mess, even though the office staff has tried to put a plaster onto the elbow it no means covered all of the injury. But the moment i saw him a thousand things flew through my mind.

Like... What Happened? Why wasnt i imformed? Hes alergic to plasters ! Hell he HATES plasters ! The stress he must have gone through as they sruggled that plaster onto his skin !!!! The fact that it now has to come off before his arm swells up !!!!! I was LIVID

 

I had previously asked them not to put plasters on him as both the sensory issues and the allergic reaction to micropore just makes everything worse. Even more so when i had to peel it off his very sore arm later that night.

But back to the actuall fall - He was running in the playground at dinner time, when another boy PURPOSLY tripped him, as he landed he skidded onto his left hand side before banging his face on the gravel playgound. And the First Aid officer thought he was fine to stay at school.

 

I went up the next day afetr assessing all the injuries he had actually got and slammed my opinions against those of the senco. I wont repeat what i said, but she agreed to call me next time.

 

It was horrendous and he still has a lump on his elbow because he would'nt let me near it to clean it as the injury and plaster were too much. so he has a piece of playground still in there.

 

I hope you have a happy ending.

Take care

shaz

[oxgirl]

Thanks shaz, jlp and ppie, this is my dilemma now, what to do about school. I can't decide how to handle it. It's no-one's fault that he fell and hurt himself but I'm at a loss as to how his distress and pain weren't taken seriously. I left it to DH to phone on Friday a.m. to tell them he wasn't coming in and he didn't go into too much detail, just said he'd been to casualty and was exhausted so wouldn't be in.

 

When I take him in on Monday, my worry is that if I express my concern at the lack of care given to him then they (particularly one woman) will get very defensive and just stare at me defiantly, that I won't get the reassurance I need and I'll end up getting frustrated and being accused to not respecting them. I'd really love it if on Monday I take him in and calmly explain that this bone could be broken, and they are full of apology and concern and then I can just ask in future can they not assume he's making a fuss about nothing (which is their opinion half the time), and I'll be content. But I don't think I'm going to get that reaction, I think they'll just see me as attacking them and they'll get defensive and try to argue it away and then I'll get angry and I won't be able to express myself when I'm angry and they'll make me feel like I'm in the wrong.

 

Help, what should I do??!!

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

As I have said before I couldnt work with a school that would belittle and twist everything I said, and if letters of concern from heads of departments where ignored I would go further up the ladder, talking to the executives and chiefs of the educational board, I couldnt send my child to an educational facitlity if I knew his over well being wasnt been met, the arm indedent could be reguarded as total negligence here as he was left for some legnth of time in pain, and AS children cant express pain in the same way other children can.

 

I dont feel you totally trust this unit, they have no respect for your position here, that at the end of the day you are his mother, I really do understand that there isnt anything in your area for his needs but clearly this place isnt meeting his needs either.

 

My opinion would be to look at further afield for a more specialised spersific eduction... or home educate.

 

JsMum

[oxgirl]

I appreciate your opinion, JsMum. Trouble is there is nothing other than this. Going further afield won't help me, as it could just mean hours and hours of travelling, which won't help either. I wouldn't consider residential and if I home educate then he misses out on a lot of opportunities that I couldn't give him. So, it's a catch 22.

 

What I need is advice about how I can help to make it work where he is and I need them to give me the reassurance that I need. I'm steeling myself to talk to them tomorrow about my disappointment with the care he was given, but I know it's going to end badly and they're just going to see me as complaining again and resent me for it.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

Two years ago I was in a situation with Js old primary school and they did very simular things to J and treated me appaulingly, looking back it was all done so they could hide the fact they didnt want to use up valubale budgets and meet his needs, even if in the end they did meet his needs I found I couldnt trust them with J as they didnt recognise ASD and they defo didnt believe in ADHD so it was pointless working with a system that wasnt working with J or me and so we removed him, I did home educate for a little bit but the ed psych said what about a smaller school with better special needs so I looked around the school he is in and its been working in a partnership all the way, I trust the school and I trust the kids, I feel a lot more relaxed, there is difficulties again but agian we are working together, if the unit really has you feeling like this then its clearly not working, I know that in some areas there is NAS EDUCATIONAL REPRESENTATIVES they may be able to do some liason work with you, so they attend meeting, help with writing letters that sort of thing.

 

Trust, reliablity and wellbeing have to be on top of your list to enforce a working partnership with school and home.

 

If it ment that J traveled for a number of hours but was happier and safer in the education facility then that would be something I would consider.

 

Home education can also be incorperated with other education facilities, colleges, other home educators, work based facilities, mencap may be able to help you further that kind of information.

 

 

JsMum

[Clare63]

Mel,

Its worth having a look and doing some reseach, a friend of mine has started to Home ED her 12 yrs old who has AS & ADHD, she too was worried about not giving him other opportunities and perhaps missing out on things, but there are loads of support groups for parents with structured activities, arts, crafts, sports etc for children who are Home Ed. You never know, this could be the answer and it may open up new doors and new experiences which might just suit J to a "T".

I am seriously considering Home ED and am in the process of doing the research, whilst a daunting prospect it is also so very exciting.

 

Clare x x x

[Canopus]

This is absolutely terrible. Jay must be in agony. I know someone who broke a scaphoid bone and it was very painful and took a long time to heal. You had better tell the school this in case anybody gets stroppy over "shoddy work".

 

Mel,Its worth having a look and doing some reseach, a friend of mine has started to Home ED her 12 yrs old who has AS & ADHD, she too was worried about not giving him other opportunities and perhaps missing out on things, but there are loads of support groups for parents with structured activities, arts, crafts, sports etc for children who are Home Ed. You never know, this could be the answer and it may open up new doors and new experiences which might just suit J to a "T".

 

Jay has the same problem I had - damn good at science and needs a lab full of equipment. My parents told me they would have considered sparing me from attending residential school if I wasn't good at subjects requiring lots of difficult to do at home practical work. Very few home educated children end up taking science GCSEs.

[oxgirl]

Jay has the same problem I had - damn good at science and needs a lab full of equipment. My parents told me they would have considered sparing me from attending residential school if I wasn't good at subjects requiring lots of difficult to do at home practical work. Very few home educated children end up taking science GCSEs.

 

 

Thanks Canopus, and Clare and JsMum,

I did home educate for two years during primary school years and it worked very well to some extent. We went along to home ed groups etc., although J never mixed with any of the kids or made any friends there. Now he is nearly 14 and he needs more than just me. Like you say, Canopus, he needs a lab full of equipment and an expert to answer all his science questions. He is very talented and top of the year in Science but an emotional wreck and very disabled in other areas. The only reason we put him into secondary education was for the science opportunities. We know we can't meet his needs in that area at home, plus the home ed group we used to attend has now closed so we'd be very isolated.

We know really that whatever school he was in he would struggle and find hard.

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

This is absolutely terrible. Jay must be in agony. I know someone who broke a scaphoid bone and it was very painful and took a long time to heal. You had better tell the school this in case anybody gets stroppy over "shoddy work".

Jay has the same problem I had - damn good at science and needs a lab full of equipment. My parents told me they would have considered sparing me from attending residential school if I wasn't good at subjects requiring lots of difficult to do at home practical work. Very few home educated children end up taking science GCSEs.

 

I see what you mean....that could be difficult, though must say my friend did say they nearly blew up the kitchen doing an experiment last week so could be very dodgy.

 

Mel, I hope you find the answers you are looking for real soon and that Jay recovers quickly from his injury.

 

Take care Hun <'>

 

Vlare x x x

[pumpkinpie]

The school were negligent here, regardless of how the accident happened the staff allowed him to remain in school in pain without contacting you because they were trivialising his attempts to tell them what had happened and that he was in pain.

I fully understand your reasons for wanting to keep him in this school, but for his own safety something needs to happen. He will never truelly be able to relax and feel successful in this school whilst they continue to treat him as a nuisance and someone whose voice should not be heard .

What lessons is this treating him for life?

I think you need to formally complain to the school, unit and governors, this is a case of clear negligence where the staff are completley out of touch with his needs to the point of it being downright dangerous <'>

[brooke]

Hi Mel

I hope everything has gone ok today for you both <'>

Brooke

[oxgirl]

Thanks ppie and Brooke,

 

Unfortunately, when I rang the unit this morning to say he'd be coming in at 10.30, I got quite a frosty response. The head of the unit was pretty defensive from the start and didn't even ask how Jay is. I started (politely) to tell him about my concerns that his injury hadn't been taken seriously but he said that it was taken seriously and that people were talking to him about it and supporting him. I told him that when the teacher had rung me she just said she was ringing because he was 'flagging' and 'tired' and she played the injury down, telling me 'I don't think it's anything, because he's only just mentioned it'.

 

Now, I'm very confused. He was very careful to say he was sorry that the injury had happened but nothing about how it was handled afterwards. I just don't know what to believe. If, as he says, people DID realize how much pain he was in, then why was he left for four hours to suffer before I was called. I ended up with an exhausted and distraut child in Casualty, if they'd called me right away I could have dealt with it before he went downhill so much. But, if, in fact, they DIDN'T realize that he was in pain (as the teacher said) then why is the head saying different?

 

I don't know if this is just really poor cummunication on their part or what. I certainly feel that they're now huddling together trying to get their story straight and that they'll avoid me like the plague or, if I ask difficult questions, they'll either just deny any wrong-doing or make me out to be the baddy for daring to complain again.

 

I really, really can't win here. I'm so disappointed with the head, because I thought I could trust him and I expected a better response from him and he really let me down.

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Mel <'>

[oxgirl]

Thanks Bagpuss. <'>

 

Unfortunately, it's gone from bad to worse. I feel so uncomfortable, it's unbelieveable. I got to school at 2.50, nice and early, and parked myself by the door so they could see me and if anyone wanted to come out and chat to me or show some concern for my lad then it was the perfect opportunity for them to do so. At 3.00 the head of the unit appears at the door and I thought, oh, he's coming over to talk to me. No, he walked very slowly and deliberately with a frown on his face right in front of my car to talk to the taxi driver and then turned round and walked very slowly in front of my car back again and he was obviously making a very concerted effort to avoid looking my way or acknowledging me in any way!

 

My heart was pounding in my chest, I couldn't quite believe it, I felt totally snubbed and as if he was somehow furious with me for some reason! What have I done??!! All I did was raise a concern about my lad's injury and the care he received afterwards, is that so unreasonable??!!

 

Please people, tell me I'm not going mad!! These people are going to turn me into the villain and they're going to be the all-suffering victims of my vicious, unwarranted attacks and I haven't even done anything to deserve it. In the meantime, they're totally forgetting to show any concern for my lad's injury, well, certainly not to me anyway.

 

~ Mel ~

[pumpkinpie]

<'> <'>

They arent your friends Mel, they are paid to do a job (which they arent doing very well).

I think they know theyve not handled this well.

You could approach someone like Parent Partnership to mediate on your behalf.

Something has to give Mel and this if is the best your area has to offer, well autism outreach or whatever it is in your area needs to have input, cos this unit is really struggling.

 

I think you or your husband need to complain in writing, particularly with regard to the injury. Keep a diary and record what has been said - I think you will need it.

I f I was a governor at this school I would be alarmed that was left in pain for so long and that school staff did not make any effort to seek medical help or contact the parents.

I know the school is bullying you Mel but this is too important to just let it lie.

<'>

[oxgirl]

<'> <'>

They arent your friends Mel, they are paid to do a job (which they arent doing very well).

I think they know theyve not handled this well.

You could approach someone like Parent Partnership to mediate on your behalf.

Something has to give Mel and this if is the best your area has to offer, well autism outreach or whatever it is in your area needs to have input, cos this unit is really struggling.

 

I think you or your husband need to complain in writing, particularly with regard to the injury. Keep a diary and record what has been said - I think you will need it.

I f I was a governor at this school I would be alarmed that was left in pain for so long and that school staff did not make any effort to seek medical help or contact the parents.

I know the school is bullying you Mel but this is too important to just let it lie.

<'>

 

 

Thanks for the support, ppie. <'>

 

I feel in a very difficult position because DH just wants us to keep our heads down and keep the peace and not make waves, so it means that any action I take is on my own and against his wishes so then that puts us against each other as well and I'm not strong enough to do it alone, I'm just not.

 

He's not the one facing them every day though, it's me in the firing line and they've made me feel so small that I can't say a single word to them or raise a single issue without them turning against me. All I want is for them to just say sorry, we made a mistake and I'd be happy, I don't want all this bad feeling, I haven't created it.

 

I used to have a good relationship with the head of the unit (who is also the local outreach worker), I thought I could trust him and I thought he respected me, but no longer. Now I'm alienated and all alone with this.

Great start to the year!

 

~ Mel ~

Edited September 10, 2007 by oxgirl

[hev]

oh mel i wish i could help you love,its heartbreaking what you are going through,

 

youve prob said it before but what are the positive aspects of jay being at this school?

[oxgirl]

oh mel i wish i could help you love,its heartbreaking what you are going through,

 

youve prob said it before but what are the positive aspects of jay being at this school?

 

Thanks, hev. <'>

 

Well, the positives are:

 

- some new, more able lads have started, who are much more like him and he'll have the opportunity to socialize with them.

- he's hopefully going to start travelling in a taxi with some of these lads soon, as one lives in the same town as us and this will increase his independence.

- he's talented at science and his grades are off the scale.

- he gets to meet lots of different people (not always good), but does have some positive experiences sometimes.

- I suppose I'd have to admit that some of the bad experiences he's had have been character building, in that he's grown a little in confidence and learnt to try and ignore people a bit more.

- he's getting 'out there' and getting involved in life rather than sitting alone with me all day.

 

Thanks, hev, that was really helpful, me typing those out has helped me to feel a bit clearer about why we're putting ourselves through this. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Bagpuss]

Your not going mad Mel.......... <'>

[pearl]

<'> mel <'>

[oxgirl]

Well, me and DH had a massive row last night and apparently it's all my fault.

He's so desperate for a quiet life and not to rock the boat, he's terrified of making a fuss. He thinks if I get upset about a problem that's happened then that means that it's my fault for daring to get upset. He expects me to just swallow all the problems and not let them get to me and forget them and if I can't then it's my problem and that I'm creating the bad feeling by not doing that.

I've got no-one to support me now. If anything happens at school that I'm not happy with I won't be able to discuss it with him 'cos he'll just blame me for it and accuse me of having it in for them or something. He'll take their side and make excuses for their mistakes and blame me for not doing the same.

Well, sorry for the rant, but I have no-one else to rant to now.

Feeling very alone and let down, like everyone is blaming me and angry with me and I don't think I deserve it.

 

~ Mel ~

[llisa32]

Hi Mel, sorry you're feeling down this morning <'>

 

I think you've covered Hubby's problem in your first sentance 'he doesn't want to rock the boat, 'wants a quiet life'

 

I think that translates into he's having trouble dealing with the issues and and easiest way for him is to push it on you. I speak from personal experience as my hubby has also done some of the same behaviour and it took a few months to get to the bottom of it - but I'm a stubborn little pest and wouldn't give up and held firm to my believes, in the end hubby confirmed that he just actually couldn't deal with the stress, and had no idea about how to support me, therefore much easier if 'there is no problem' and to deny all knowledge.

 

We're still not quite there....most of the time I still feel like he doesn't 'support me' - but he truely seems to have no idea how to. We've come to an agreement now that I will seek advice on here, or with other friends and follow my instincts. I keep him up to speed with whats happening and we do discuss J , but mostly it's me providing an update on status. In the meantime they get on fine and life 'appears normal' - whatever that is eh?!

 

It is hard, and I know how disapointing it is to feel like you get no support from the one you expect it most from, but I truely believe some people (male or female) just find the sort of stress we're going through too difficult to deal with and withdraw - it;s a shame, and it doesn't feel 'fair' but I have now accepted that my hubby is never going to be able to provide me with the emotional support I feel like I want, and he now provides support in other ways - ie woe betide him if he mentions the house being a mess if I've been tied up with J - for his own safety it's best if he gets on an tidys it up rather than mention it to me

 

I have just accepted this situation now, but I do know how hard it is <'> feel free to pm

[Bagpuss]

Mel, I'm sorry to read that you and DH are at loggerheads re J and school. My DH tends to get irate with school and various professionals, but expects me to sort it I have to make the phone calls, write the letters, fill all the forms in.....gets me down sometimes, but I know I can depend on his support in terms of what is best for dd's. I hope you can resolve this with your DH, you really don't need conflict at home, when dealing with so much at school. Take care, your not alone, hugs x

[curra]

Oh Mel, Im so sorry to hear that you are having this kind of trouble. I never got much support from my late hubby regarding my son either, and he always said that I worried too much. But when my DS was punched once by another kid in year 3, my hubby wrote a very angry letter to the school with copy to the LEA. Now that was going a bit over the top! It's not easy to agree on these matters and we had to agree to disagree to keep peace between us because he simply couldn't deal emotionally with it, so I became the one who dealt with the school. It's hard when you feel you have no support and no one to talk to. You can always rant here and get advice from others who are experiencing similar situations.

You are not alone. <'> <'> <'>

 

Curra