Horrible, horrible evening...

[bid]

We had Best Mate Man and his wife round for dinner this evening.

 

Everything was fine until I started to tell them about a book I've been reading about the impact on children of having a sibling with special needs.

 

Well, when I'd finished my spiel, I basically broke down in tears and fled into the kitchen. Best Mate Man's wife came after me and I am horrified to say that I cried all over her and said loads of stuff that I think but that I NEVER tell anyone!

 

It was awful...I hate this sort of crying over people...nobody wants to hear this sort of stuff

 

I can't believe I did this...there was a horrible awkward feeling afterwards, and I know she will have told her husband all the things I said

 

All this stuff just came from nowhere...I'm so embarassed, and I hate the fact that I've said things that normally I only think to myself

 

Bid

 

I NEVER cry over firiends...I'm just not that sort of person, I don't understand why this happened tonight. It's just awful

Edited July 3, 2005 by bid

[smallworld]

Oh Bid,

I'm right with you on how you feel about this. I normally keep everything to myself (apart from the snippets I let slip here) I think the sheer weight of all these thoughts does eventually make you crack and it all comes spilling out. (whenever/to whoever) I think your friends will just put down anything you said to the strain we're all under having a child with special needs. I get this a lot, plus my family think I'm 'highly strung', this is a great get out clause ! Take care, wac

[call me jaded]

Better out than in. Pretending everything's fine when it isn't is not healthy.

 

I'm sure they're in shock. It will be a test of true friendship to see how they react to this once they've got over the initial surprise.

 

Don't make yourself feel bad about this, your feelings are normal.

[Guest flutter]

how can you help yourself and ultimaletly your little one with all the stuff flitting around in your head?

Please dont beat yourself up about it, bet she is ok about it all,

she willbe able to understand you and your better now.

take care have a nice day

C x <'>

[Suze]

<'> Bid sometimes it has to come out or we,ll burst!....If you feel it might help phone today and just say you,ve been having a difficult time lately and things just got to you last night.Might help you to move on from feeling awkward and clear the air.....I personally feel there,s nothing wrong in having a good sob and rant, and if they are true friends they won,t either. <'> <'> .

[helenl53]

Bid,

 

I have been guilty of this recently. It feels mortifying in the 48 hours after you have spilled your guts - but true friends feel grateful that you were able to share.

 

Love

 

HelenL

[bid]

Thank you all for being so kind <'>

 

I find social things such a struggle anyway, and this has just made everything even worse

 

I keep crying this morning All my life I've had this desperate secret struggle over social things and now I feel like I just don't want to do it anymore

 

Sorry to go on

 

Bid

[oracle]

Hi Bid

 

I hate social gatherings - especially in my house. Maybe it's because no matter what we are always on duty so you can never quite relax? I also usually feel that I have to pull out all of the stops just to prove that despite having to sons with SEN I can be as light and airy as the next person. It is a trial and I hate it - I am sad to say that even feel this way if the company we are having is family

 

Once I have let go I usually wander round blubbing for a couple of days but you do sound like you are pretty low at the moment -Maybe you need to let it all out?

 

I now have a good friend made because of the fact that we share ASD children and she and I can now off load, yell cry and laugh together. She is the only person I do not mind dropping in on us uninvited.

 

I think that we expect far too much from ourselves and are disappointed when we can't live up to our own expectations.

 

Group Hug <'> Carole <'>

[Gordie]

Without reading any of the responses to your post, bid, I'm actually struggling to see what is so bad about this.

 

It's only natural that something like this will happen occasionally, especially when you're talking about it and having to think about it, and when you have to think about it so often even when you're not talking about it.

 

You clearly needed that outlet, or it wouldn't have happened. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it - I'm sure your best mate's wife understood, and will hopefully keep most of what you told her to herself.

 

<'>

 

James

[Gordie]

Oh, wow ... ... now having read the responses here, I'm pleased to see I was right.

 

James

[Kathryn]

Hi Bid,

 

Agree with all that's been said. It's exhausting trying to keep up a bright social front all the time and dinner parties are the ultimate purely social situation.

 

I understand the emabarrassment; if it's any consolation I burst into tears a few months ago in the junior school playground in front of all the parents at hometime and cried all over a friend who had only said, "how are you?"

 

I'm not sure I agree that nobody wants to hear this stuff - I think people appreciate honesty, and if they don't, are they worth having as friends?

 

Hope you feel better soon <'> <'>

 

K

[Jericho]

<'> <'> <'>

 

I agree with everyone else (as usual!). It's good to let it all out now and then. <'>

[call me jaded]

Kathryn's just reminded me of my most public outburst. At school (of course).

 

To set the scene this was my eldest daughter's Reception Year school assembly. She had started in nursery painfully shy but had actually begged me to ask the teacher for a line. We practiced looking up and speaking loud all week.

 

Eldest son (ASD), with excellent timing, had been up all night the night before the performance. He was staying home from school but was well enough to go and watch. I was very tired, with a one-year old who was yet to sleep through the night but hey, just for once, I was going to be normal.

 

So Grandma is helping with my toddler and we arrive nice and early to get a seat where there is plenty of room. The hall fills up. DS, who's not on good form, gets a bit panicky so we manouvre to the rear of the hall, I'll stand by the door and watch. Well, no, the door has to be shut (Health & Safety). DS is throwing himself on the floor. Another mother from my daughter's year group is open-mouthed, "Good grief, what's the matter with him?" I decide to cut my losses and take DS for a walk whilst Grandma and titch enjoy the show. A late arriving Mum holds open the door for our escape. "You could have said thank you", she says as I try to keep son in his major buggy going through the door - he's wriggling down underneath the strap.

 

There's a park opposite the school, so I compose myself and let my son climb. I've not cried yet, I'm waiting til I get home. DS is a lot calmer so I go back to collect Grandma.

 

Everybody is coming out of the hall and my daughter's Nursery Year teacher congratulates me on how well my daughter did. I smile and say I didn't see it, DS couldn't cope. Her look of disappointment was what triggered me off and I howled and howled whilst the entire school trailed past me.

 

The headteacher now realises something is wrong (!) and asks me to talk in her office. I manage to say "I can't talk right now" whilst getting through the best part of a box of tissues. The Nursery Teacher explains I didn't see the performance (all eight minutes of it), and with superb prescence of mind the Head announces to my daughter's year group that they're going to do it again. So I am placed on the front row for my very own assembly, which I watch through even more tears. I don't think I actually stopped crying until the next day. I am reliably informed that my daughter spoke her sentence very well, both times.

 

So, bid, I hope that makes you feel better, at least you haven't cried in front of an entire school.

[sylv]

Also I admit I have cried at people....mostly friends and I dont do that often....But bid we all go through sometimes an awful time. I may say here that parents with kids with special needs are much more in demand then others.

 

We still observe our son and after having a double bithday bbq party yesterday and watching the video we did record I feel awful sometimes...the behaviour of our son...

 

But then we have friends who are familar with the situation and understand and also do listen to me when I have one of this "outbursts".

 

Dont blame yourself, you are a human being like lots....

 

<'> for you,

 

 

SylvXXX

[loulou]

Oh Bid <'> <'>

 

I am proud of you for actually hosting a social event. I couldn't do that the way i'm feeling at present.

 

I think we all bottle it up and eventually it has to come out. It's much better to off-load on an adult than take it out on our children (which i am guilty of).

 

I too hate social events. I'm fed up with pretending that everything is ok. Sometimes if i see a friend pull up outside my house, i take Kai into the bathroom and pretend we are not in.

 

I hope you are feeling better today,

 

Loulou x

[George]

Bid - I just wanted to send a <'>

 

 

Hey

buy the new Jack Johnson CD - It cheared me up a bit this weekend.

 

George

 

XXX

[LittleRae]

Hi Bid

 

Been there, done that.

 

But....Now I have someone else to talk to....

 

 

Feel better

 

 

A

[Sallya]

<'> Hope you feel better soon

xxx

[lorryw]

Hello Bid,

I hope you are feeling a little better. Its so difficult to stop once the flood gates are opened. I think thats why some of us build a wall of steel around our emotions. Perhaps you had a glass of wine too many and your mask slipped (oops, that makes you sound like a sozzled bank robber!)

Sometimes its just easier to lay it all on some one we arnt close to.

If you ever feel the need pm me Im always around.

Take care

Love Loraine

[baddad]

Hi Bid -

Flying visit but couldn't fly off again without saying I agree completely with everything that's already been said.

I do the other thing almost every time - stew and stew in my own juices then end up biting the head off some poor innocent bystander who says just the wrong thing at just the right time. I'm sure the bystanders would rather i did what you did!

I can understand your embarrassment, but think yourself into your friends shoes and you'd be happy that someone you cared for had had the opportunity to offload, and that they had trusted you with that... Am I right, or am I right?!

One thing I would add is that you've been on an emotional rollercoaster for quite some time now. It's human nature that we can grin and bear it while the rides going on, but there is an inevitable backlash when we get off at the end. I think I said it in one of your earlier threads, and while the phrase may be a bit extreme, it is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Find some BID time somewhere... Go and dig up an old fossil (no I don't mean Jestie ), or treat yourself to a DVD of Badger Watch or something. Alternatively, just drink some Red Stuff, eat some chocolate and treat yourself to a new pith helmet and ball peen hammer... Go on, you know it makes sense

Love and the other thing, as ever

BD

[Hectorshouse]

Bid, sometimes you just have to let it all out, and when it happens it like a tap being turned on, sometimes what we have to cope and deal with is so overwhelming that it has to come out in way or another. I didn't talk about my problems for a long time, or share my anxiety or the pressures, I ended up having a breakdown, if you can try not to be so hard on yourself. You do a wonderful job, and are a fantastic and proactive mum, we all need to let it all out sometimes.

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

HHxx

[Suze]

Hi Bid after Jaded,s post about crying in front of the entire school I think we should all post our ....."it came bubbling to the surface and would,nt stop".embarassing moments. Mine would have to be a routine visit to the doc,s for my youngest at the time he was 6 mnths. I felt o.k in the morning no indication of what was to erupt from me later in the day.The surgery was packed as ever standing room only.My turn to go in docs room. I enter ...he smiles...... I sit......(at this point I should probably add my doc is a lovely bloke whom I know socially through nursery school)....anyway "you look a bit tired how are you feeling , have you been coping O.K. since your sons DX? "...Now I had gone to talk about my babys hips but this never got mentioned because for the next 20 mins I cried a torrent the poor guy was only making chit chat but the flood gates had been opened.I,m sure they all heard me sobbing in the waiting room, walking out past them all gawping was the worst thing ever!.....But my doc was lovely he still always asks how things are and always has a box of tissues at the ready on his desk when I see him ....take care Bid it,s good to get it out.

[mossgrove]

Bid

 

I agree with the others.

 

It's not the letting out that's a problem, it's the holding in.

 

I hope you are feeling better today.

 

Simon

[nellie]

Bid, <'> <'> <'>

 

The wise old b'dad has said it all, especially the part about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can identify with that, it tends to come and bite you on the bum when your not looking. You have been through a lot, be kind to yourself. I wish there was a smilie for a bunch of flowers, sadly there isn't, so you will have to make do with a rabbit!!.

 

 

Luv

 

Nellie <'> <'> <'>

[bid]

Where would I be without all of you??

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to post such kind thoughts <'>

 

Bid

[katkin]

Isn't that what real true frienda are for though? I feel quite pleased when my friend rings and says "I need a rant/weep/stomp/rage, listen and be on my side" and when else can we have a legitimate reason to eat chocolate, watch a weepy film and drink wine with impunity! I think a real friend would not be put off you because you cried all over them rather proud that they are the ones you chose to cry over. Don't feel too sad about it Bid, I'm sure it's better for you to have let it all out. On here you only get virtual hugs, sometimes we all need the real thing. Thinking of you, kat

[Tez]

Can't add anything to what's already been said. You've done a great job for Auriel and there's bound to be some backlash particularly as you have some concerns about your younger son. Take some time in the lull to pamper yourself and I hope that you're feeling stronger soon. I'm sure that your friendship will survive and hopefully be the stronger for it.

 

Take care.

[KarenT]

Hi Bid, sorry I'm late coming to this - it's been a bit of a weekend.

 

Please don't worry about being human and not being able to hold your emotions together all the time. Nobody can do that, it's just not natural. And I'm sure your friends will be fine about it - as someone else said, what are friends for? At least now they'll have a far greater insight into how you're feeling and what you're coping with, and that can't be a bad thing, IMO.

 

FWIW, I fell apart completely in the playground a few weeks ago and made a complete ar*e of myself in front of everybody. James had been on his first ever school trip to the seaside and had (I'm told) been one of the best behaved boys there. However, once he handed over his bags he turned into Beelzebub again and all hell broke loose. Stress and pressure, you see. I'd had a terrible weekend and cried all the way through it in the comfort of my own home (you see, keeping it to myself as so many of us do), and had resisted talking to any of the other mums in case I burst into tears again. James dumped his bags on me and ran back into the school, where I found him swinging on the gym ropes in the hall and getting visibly more 'high' as I watched. He threw his lunchbag around the hall, started yelling rude words, and when I finally caught him I calmly led him back outside to go home, still just keeping a lid on things. He slipped from my grasp and ran away again to the play castle in the yard and that's when the floodgates opened. I chased after him and he kept running away, eventually heading back into the school. Finally two of the mums saw me weeping copiously and assumed that I was worried because I couldn't get hold of him (when in fact I was just so upset that this sort of thing happens every ###### day and I'm sick of it, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight), and tried to reassure me with "Don't worry, we'll find him for you", to which I uncharitably responded at the top of my voice "I DON'T CARE IF YOU NEVER F*CKING FIND HIM! TAKE HIM AWAY!" Oh the shame!, now THAT was embarrassing! Anyway, two teachers and two mums did help me to find him in the cloakroom, where he was sitting like a perfect angel and making everyone wonder why on earth I was so het up about it. I felt like such a crazy woman.

 

Anyway, no harm done. I made light of it to the mums the next day and all was well. But at least they now know what I have to cope with every day while they're living their perfect lives, so I guess it wasn't a bad thing after all.

 

Hope you're feeling better. Cry more often, babe, it's good for you. Little and often is far better than one ginormous emotional blowout that you (and everyone who knows you) will remember forever.

 

Karen

x

[bid]

Oh Karen! <'> <'>

 

I know I shouldn't laugh, but you did make me smile!!

 

Bid

Edited July 4, 2005 by bid

[bevalee]

Oh Bid! <'> <'>

 

Don't feel bad about it, you are only human! Some times it just has to all come out, we've all been there.

[asereht]

Bid I always open my mouth to the wrong person!

 

Karen sorry but I laughed too when I read your post!

 

 

Years ago I was shopping with my youngest now dx As . It was the end of a long day,week, year , you know how it is.

Anyway he was running off and after finding him for the 10th time I was telling him off on the dangers of running off when this lady( busybody) who presumed I just couldn't control my child suggested that maybe I shouldn't bring him shopping ( there was no-one to mind him) if he didn't want to go and that maybe he was tired which was why he was screaming and running away and if I was nicer to him he might not want to get away from me.

 

To which I promptly told her to F**K off and mind her own buisness! Stress is a terrible thing it makes you do things you regret (bit like alchohol really)

 

T

[Kazzen161]

I've had a really bad couple of weeks - lots of things going wrong - and then two people who I thought understood how things are for me, said really stupid things (like "I'd like to be a lady of leisure. You should try working full-time and looking after a family" - I was so gobsmacked I couldn't reply!).

 

If any one is nice to me, I will be in flood's of tears!

 

I have sat in the doc's surgery crying my eyes out - everyone kept asking me if I was OK, and I was - I just needed to have a cry, and I couldn't stop myself.

 

Karen

[KarenT]

I know I shouldn't laugh, but you did make me smile!!

Well then it's done the trick! Glad you're feeling a bit brighter now.

 

Karen

x

[bid]

Well, just to give you all an update...

 

I haven't heard from her since!

 

Bid

 

But thank you all for your sympahty and comforting tales of your own horrors!

Edited July 13, 2005 by bid

[oracle]

My turn last night Bid - David had the worst melt down he has had in months and on the eve of his 18th Birthday

 

I went to bed last night feeling as if I had been hit by a sledge hammer.

 

So far he is still sleeping and I only hope his mood has improved when he does wake up

 

I know it's because of the day that it is today, and because he could not be sure until today if he was having a BBQ (his first choice) or going out for a meal. He still can not cope with uncertainty.

 

Not the best way to begin the celebrations

 

Carole

Edited July 13, 2005 by carole

[Guest flutter]

Bid

tis her loss!!!!

we luvs u <'>

C x

[bid]

Oh Carole <'> <'>

 

Hope things are a bit better today

 

Flutter...

 

Bid <'>

[oracle]

Thanks Bid,

 

Actually his Birthday went well. Got the expolsion over before hand and we did manage a BBQ, which was what he wanted. But it does remind you that you can never totally relax and think that the bad days are behind you forever!

 

Carole