Do people with aspergers ever grow up?

[assmerger]

They are in a state of social naivety/immaturity and general clumsiness throughout there whole adult life?

 

I dont see how I will change.

 

I am like a robot. My conversations are more Question and Answer sessions.

[LancsLad]

I am now 47 so I will answer it from my own experiences. As I have got older I have matured a great deal and a lot of the 'developmental' aspect of my AS condition have become more manageable with time and importanlty experience.

 

I would however say I have a playfull streak to me. When I was at uni recently a lot of my fellow students were surprised by my age and had me down as being much younger which is a bit of a complement when your my age I guess.

 

I don't consider myself to be clumsy in social situations but rather I simply can't be arsed playing games. If you like me you like me , if you don't you don't. I have always found there are enough people on this planet who fit into both camps as such I am not too worried about one group of them and tend to work with the other one.

 

Am I naive, yes in some ways in that I tend to live my life to a set of moral and ethical values and don't care what other people think. I will judge myself each day in the mirror and answer to my own conscience, if that is naive then yes I am.

 

I tend to sepnd my life questioning everything and as such I have a good knowledge base to support my positions on a lot of things so questioning is a good thing it makes us flexible as human beings.

 

When it comes to change I make an effort to change every day to be a better me. This takes effort and constant pressure and some days I might not make any changes in my life or how I think and approach things but even the smallest changes soon add up if they are consistently made. So in life I do think we can change a lot. I would say one of the best ways to change is to be flexible and 'childlike' as opposed to rigid and 'adult'.

 

If you asked me who I would want to be more like in the world I would possibly say my seven year old son because I admire his attitude to life.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[justine1]

I think yes but I believe at a different rate(age) to your neurotypical peers. It is also about adjusting to the social norms of society,that can be very hard to do but it is very possible to act mature in public and immature in the comfort of your own home. Most people do this everyday,when going out to work we go into "work mode" we have to behave in a certain way sometimes wear uncomfortable uniform to look professional etc but when we get home we unwind put on comfy pyjamas and slippers,act silly with the kids or pets....be ourselves. There are many adults who have soft toys or other items of comfort or a hobbie/sport, which can be used as a way of releasing the stress of pretending to be "grown up."

 

I once watched a documentry about dwarfs' who stated that when they are out they have to adjust to "big" people's world but at home everything is adjusted for them and they have various aids to help them. So I guess this can be translated to any disability,you can be you at home but have to adjust yourself accordingly when out.

[Mike_GX101]

Of course but I guess it depends on where on the spectrum you fit - if you can function well in society then you will learn from experiences and improve (the routines you develop become like computer game levels and each time you do it you get 'better' at it until you complete the level and move onto the next level/goal/lesson). You never realised there was a real-life application for computer games did you I bet?!?

 

But with each level you progress further into the game of what we call 'life' and some times we might have to overcome a bigger baddie say 'exams' or 'sudden unemployment' and you use the skills you've acquired in the game so far. And the further you progress in the game the more mature you'll become but you have to balance your goals so you develop a whole number of different skills. You also have to make sure you don't replay the same level too much because over familiarity brings with it boredom and that can lead to stagnation.

[Isobel]

Yeah I can relate to that. Pretend to be adult at work, but I still do childish things at home to unwind.

[Sa Skimrande]

Yes of couse aspies grow up, they become adults with the same problem but as adults they are ignored as some seem to think asperger's only affects the young, it is a new disorder and adults don't have it.

 

Or is it by ignoring adults with the same problems that affect affected children, they are really saying as one becomes an adult asperger's goes away ?

 

In which case yippee, a cure has been found, it's just called growing up.

 

But it is never that simple is it.

 

And so current late diagnosed adults suffer but their ranks will be joined by the young as they too become adults and I wonder then will adults now receive the justice they deserve when it is all those parents of the new adults raise the awareness ?

[Shnoing]

Watch your 16-year-old peers and you'll understand what they're doing at age 35 ... that's how it went for me.

[Asun86]

I still don't feel I have grown up, I'm 26 now and only recently have been diagnosed with Apergers Syndrome.

I always felt a bit awkward and found it hard to socialize but as I've got older I feel I have become so much more intelligent, I'm able to look at my own life and asses it and see that I'm still around about 12 years old, I rely on my mother and nothing much has changed since I was 12.

[trekster]

I think yes but I believe at a different rate(age) to your neurotypical peers. It is also about adjusting to the social norms of society,that can be very hard to do but it is very possible to act mature in public and immature in the comfort of your own home. Most people do this everyday,when going out to work we go into "work mode" we have to behave in a certain way sometimes wear uncomfortable uniform to look professional etc but when we get home we unwind put on comfy pyjamas and slippers,act silly with the kids or pets....be ourselves. There are many adults who have soft toys or other items of comfort or a hobbie/sport, which can be used as a way of releasing the stress of pretending to be "grown up."

 

I once watched a documentary about dwarfs' who stated that when they are out they have to adjust to "big" people's world but at home everything is adjusted for them and they have various aids to help them. So I guess this can be translated to any disability,you can be you at home but have to adjust yourself accordingly when out.

 

i agree with most of what has been said above especially the 1st paragraph. However to an extent i would like the world to accept me for who i am instead of accusing me of being immature. i like playmobils, teddy bears and other 'younger girls stuff' and frankly i dont see a problem with that, there is an ipad application about starting conversations. Another idea could be to look at language courses and see how their conversations are done. Socialeyes is an amazing package which could also be trialled. Then a future option could be to attend events and places where your interests can shine. Star trek conventions for example where i can monologue on my favourite characters, episodes and various other parts of 'trekkie'

[Sa Skimrande]

I still don't feel I have grown up, I'm 26 now and only recently have been diagnosed with Apergers Syndrome.

I always felt a bit awkward and found it hard to socialize but as I've got older I feel I have become so much more intelligent, I'm able to look at my own life and asses it and see that I'm still around about 12 years old, I rely on my mother and nothing much has changed since I was 12.

 

I think this relying on others is to our detriment, I say this because from leaving home at age 21 I joined the military where I was looked after only to leave that and become married where I was looked after until seven years ago where I became totally on my own and to say I have coped would be a lie, I haven't the way I live disgusts many and very few come here. I try to keep on top of everything but you know, it just slides, it always does and I don't notice it until the point comes where I do notice it and it gets tidied again with the best of intentions of keeping on top of it all, but I forget and I am soon back to square one again, I have done this so many times I have lost count, so I accept it is just me, the way I am. So I see much of my problem as I have grown up relying on others and don't really know how to look after myself, so I believe the best life skills we can be taught, is to fend completely for ourselves and there look after ourselves as if we don't, well I know what happens and it isn't good at all I know that, but there is no other option we just have to make do and put up with ourselves as we are, and keep others away.

 

Social anxiety, well it is not just aspies that suffer that and the need to be on one's own, well, who said people had to be social, what is common to some is by no means common to all and perhaps this is where we screw up through the expectation that we have to be social animals when we don't for there is no hard and fast rules that apply to all. As it is I prefer the company of two other people anymore than that and I get irritated.

 

But we do mature with age, all of us do, the more we experience the more we learn and it is the truth no one can lay their hand on their heart and say they believe they have grown up, because everyone experiences the feeling of how small they are when they stand and look at the world in front of them, it is not solely an AS problem.

[Merry]

Watch your 16-year-old peers and you'll understand what they're doing at age 35 ... that's how it went for me.

 

This is amusing! Has been so true for me also!

 

Does anyone ever look at other grown-ups and wander if they feel inside as old as they look on the outside? I think about how they feel..do they feel vulnerable? Do they still feel like a kid but have to act like an adult? I always assumed that's what growing up was...still feeling small and scared, but having to act big and brave! - Having more stuff to deal with...having no choice.

 

I feel for you Snowdon, but think you must be so strong to find a way to cope on your own. I was dependant on my mother until I met my partner, now i'm dependant on him. -Which doesn't seem that way to others, as I often come accross as the bossy one. What doesn't show to them, is that i wouldn't be standing in that spot unless he was beside me!

[Sa Skimrande]

Snowdon ? If you are referring to Sa Skimrande ? But if it is you are referring to myself via the forum posting hierarchy that exists on this website, understand if you are aspie the NT's have got it wrong before or is it they are aspie themselves maybe, but people advertising an online aspie census as part of a research programme have also referred to others via their posting hierarchy not their true user name.

 

But if it was me you were intending your reply, know this, I know me very well, and I don't like me very much at all, but a point will come where I will be forced to choose between a lifetime of loneliness and more of the same or something different, something daunting and something quite possibly better than I can manage on my own, for the old wounds have to heel somehow or else I know I won't be here long considering I am more than capable of driving myself nuts.

[Merry]

Yes, I'm sorry, I was referring to you..still new to all this.

I wish you well.

[Special_talent123]

well a child with ASD grows up to be an adult with ASD, some of may have find it easier to cope with and some may havent, i suppose it depends on the individual

[LancsLad]

Do people with Asperger's ever grow up, I sincerely hope so because not to do so would mean failing to take responsibility for our own natural development. AS is a 'developmental condition' and so it might be possible to explain a delay of a few years but to try and resist natural processes is a mistake in my opinion.

 

The seven stages of human life is a concept first devised by the ancient Greek philosopher Claudius Ptolemy. Ptolemy believed that the structure of the universe is dominated by spheres and therefore associated the classical planets with stages of life. The association of each planet and stage of life relates closely to the speed of their movement around the zodiac. The fastest sphere is associated with birth, and the slowest is associated with the last years of life.

 

Infant

 

The infant stage corresponds to the first four years of your life. The moon is the obvious choice for this stage given its quick speed around the earth. During this stage of life, you develop many of its characteristics more rapidly when compared to other life stages.

 

Childhood

 

The childhood stage of your life cycle, defined as ages 4 through 13, is represented by the planet Mercury, the second quickest planet. During this time, you develop your personal intelligence and character.

 

Teenager

 

Ptolemy defined the third cycle of life as the teenage years and early adulthood. This cycle encompasses ages 14 through 22 and is represented by the planet Venus. Often times this stage of life is associated with impulsive activity towards love, lust and expression.

 

Young Adult

 

The age of 23 begins the young adult cycle of life. During this stage, many are inclined to act in a more mature manner and make decisions that are formed more on logic than impulse. Ptolemy chose the sun to represent this stage of life.

 

Adulthood

 

When you reach the fifth decade of your life, you have reached what Ptolemy believed was the mature adulthood stage. Ptolemy believed that at this stage, people are prone to feel as though their life has passed them by. The planet Mars is used for this life cycle.

 

Retirement

 

Once you reach the age of 55, you enter into the stage of life represented by Jupiter. This stage correlates to the time in which you are able to develop a sense of wisdom and perspective. The largest planet of the solar system, Jupiter represents the move away from manual labor and into a life of more leisure.

 

Elderly

 

Saturn, the slowest of all the planets, represents the last stage of life, which begins at age 67. This stage finds people cooling their pace of life, their desires and need for adventure. This stage of the life cycle goes until you reach the end of your existence.

 

(Taken from LIVESTRONG.COM)

 

As we now live longer and as environmental influences have changed there may be some arguments to say we have evolved as a species and that the age boundaries might need to be redefined. Personally I don't think they do though more appropriate titles could be employed with possibly the last stage being split to create 8 as a result of medical advancements.

 

Failure to recognise these stages in relation to AS simply implies it is not developmental at all rather it is a fixed state which we can do nothing about. If that is the case can someone please tell me what it was I had in the early part of my life because I fit all the assessment criteria for Asperger's. As I have got older I have changed as I have moved through and into each new life stage. I may well have been behind my peers but I got there. What has not followed me is the assessment criteria to a large extent, and for me that is where the issue lies in this question. I think the lack of appropriate and realistic assessment criteria for adults leaves many individuals artificially clinging to what they currently hold in trying to maintain a fit. Because this badge, one based on 'childhood' and 'teenager' comes with elements of support in education and welfare there is an inbuilt incentive to resist growing up and accepting change. That is crazy in my opinion, as such we need to reassess things and respect the fact that people like me and those older than me have a lot to offer in that we understand what it is like to move through life's phases with AS. The world is not flat and many of the elderly do have the same condition as many of the infants in our society we just have to look at it in a more flexible way.

 

A bloke called Bill somethin or other who was once quite good at writing and stuff wrote the following, he kind of says it better than me.

 

 

For those who might preface to take their time and contemplate stuff like me whoare not of the YouTube generation here are the words.

 

The Seven Ages of Man

 

Poem lyrics of Seven Ages Of Man by William Shakespeare.

 

All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players,

They have their exits and entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,

Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.

Then, the whining schoolboy with his satchel

And shining morning face, creeping like snail

Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,

Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad

Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,

Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,

Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,

Seeking the bubble reputation

Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice

In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,

With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,

Full of wise saws, and modern instances,

And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts

Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,

With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,

His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,

For his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,

Turning again towards childish treble, pipes

And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,

That ends this strange eventful history,

Is second childishness and mere oblivion,

Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Edited October 3, 2012 by LancsLad

[Sa Skimrande]

Yeah, the ages of man according to many writers I have observed a few, but right now, these past few weeks I feel as though I am in my old age having had my life's questions answered and there is nothing else left to do as KS and AS kind of limit one's expectations, as we can't follow the usual moulds.

 

Tonight at a pub quiz I observed everyone else interacting and the feeling came to just give it a go and I did, just to be rewarded with they who I was talking to lose interest and start talking to someone else, I failed again so instead of just hanging around observing what I can't get involved with I went home. You see this lack of empathy thing we are supposed to have, well, with me they have that wrong, for I feel negative energy when it is around and one of so called friends is emanating a lot of that in my particular direction of late, why, I don't know, but I just went home as I cannot be bothered to find out what exactly is the latest thing I have done wrong as I am fed up to the back teeth of being wrong, it always my fault, I can do without all that as it is just too depressing and to think tonight I went out with a positive mindset, how quickly that changed.

 

Yes we may grow up, but what we learn in childhood stays with us if there is no intervention and socially I am very immature, not my fault you may understand, but it always comes across as I am to blame for everyone's bad mood.

[Willow-Tree]

I struggled as a teen because I felt like I was waiting for everyone to catch up to me. But I think that was in terms of intelligence - in terms of maturity at that age, everyone was immature, but in a irresponsible way - ie. lets all get drunk, all the time, and wind up pregnant/getting someone pregnant. Whereas I was just sat at home reading or drawing, or watching movies.

 

Now I'm 20, people are catching up and realising that they need to be adults now, with bills to pay etc. BUT, I am still very immature (child like) when I'm alone, or just with my partner (who is also Aspie, and can be very child like). But I'm aware enough now of what's expected of my age and I conform to it, and don't let the childish side of me out with the wrong people.

 

I think I developed a different version of myself to be, depending on who I am with. Which, because I am usually always with my partner, and then someone else, he gets a little frustrated when I change to suit whoever we're with, I think it must be some kind of coping mechanism..

[raydon]

I think the parts of you that you use will grow, the parts that you don't use won't.

 

For me, and I can feel Sa Skimrande's anguish, socialising is a major problem which I have avoided to preserve my energies. I am thus very immature socially, but can function on a day to day basis in my own self employed world. I too am very sensitive to energy flow, unfortunately it is mainly negative, maybe this is the norm for NTs, if you don't fit into their shared belief web. Jokes always seem to be at someone elses expense etc. etc.

 

I think positive change comes by accepting and being true to yourself, and working within your limitations. Looking back I would have been more proactive in seeking out, or even just accepting the friendship of like minded people, had I known what was causing my self exclusion.

[LancsLad]

I think the parts of you that you use will grow, the parts that you don't use won't.

 

Very wise words here Raydon. I think we have a choice in all of this and we can make massive progress to be the person who we wan't to be. But making progress is not easy, it can be a very messy and draining process at times. But we must remember that everyday is an opportunity and if not taken is an opportunity missed. Very often in life we are faced with choices do the things that we find easy, or do the things which we find difficult. A favorite quotation comes to mind.

 

"I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it." – Pablo Picasso

 

We do have a choice in all of this, but we have to take responsibility for our own development.

[karmadestiny]

Wow!...not sure theres anything I can add to this thread but its been very enlightening reading through all the posts...I've literally been blown away by some of the indepth posts...the level of ones journey and its lesson learnt...I am humbled...

[jacklejacob]

i am in my mid/late 20's and i am still socially weird

[Sa Skimrande]

Do aspies ever grow up, the same question could be asked of everyone, do people ever grow up and I am inclined to think they don't as to face it as adults, adults still have toys, it is just the toys are bigger.

 

Children serve to remind us what we truly are.

[Mike_GX101]

If left to leave home when I was ready I would have probably have left in my early 20's. As it happened however I had no choice but to leave sooner because 'home' suddenly moved a long way away and I still had studies to continue. So I was pushed into facing the realities as an adult much sooner.

 

I remember in my first student digs being so oblivious to how to fend for myself. Those few months were hard while I learned how to cook, food shop and do everything else you suddenly have to do living away from home. It was very bleak for a while there but having been shoved in at the deep end I soon found the ability to swim and got myself better digs and started to enjoy living away from home.

 

In retrospect being pushed may have been a bitter pill to swallow at the time but it was probably the best thing that could have happened because it got me independent much sooner than if I'd stopped at home and been wrapped in cotton wool.