Does it ever get better?

[bevalee]

Hiya

 

Just got back from a first birthday party for my niece.

 

I'm feeling a bit down i suppose, R wasn't even there as he is at school at the moment.

 

I just love the 'Good advice' that my family and friends want to share.

 

'What R needs is to live in a different area and mingle with like minded friends'

 

'All he needs is a father figure in his life'.

 

'If he had the right guidance, you wouldn't have had to send him to that school would you'.

 

Then to top the lot, 'If you had given him a good slap, it wouldn't have come to this'.

 

Come to what i ask? I have never asked them for advice or help of any description, so why now do they want to ]advise[/b] me about him now?

 

Totally p****d off with the lot of them!

[oracle]

<'> Beverley <'>

 

Families are sometimes the last people to understand - if ever - I know. I wonder if they would still be saying all of this to you if they knew how it made you feel. It must make you feel like saying 'Well thanks very much for the vote of confidence and kicking me when I am down' I said it earlier this week and I stand by this comment. Even if they have the knowledge then some people will never understand. The two things do not always go hand in hand.

 

You have done the best for your son and done it on your own. Personally I think that you deserve a medal - and some moral support. In my book you are a winner and your family are the ones losing out and of course missing the point.

 

take care

 

Carole

[Suze]

Bevalee <'> , sorry your family have,nt got a clue ,the only thing I can say is they really have no idea, ignorance is bliss, and I don,t (hope ) think they

 

 

intentionally meant to hurt you but unless you know/ deal with it/ or understand ASD you really have no idea what it,s like or is <'> <'> Suzex

[bid]

From meeting R down at school I think he's a great young man, friendly and talkative even to an old-un like me!

 

Your family don't know what they are talking about You are doing a fantastic job, which I doubt they could have done in your situation!

 

What is it with families...is it some kind of massive, collective denial??

 

We're always here, and we really do understand <'>

 

Bid <'>

[jayjay]

<'> sorry to hear your family dont understand cant give you any advice as trying and trying to get grandparents to understand at mo myself and not having much luck at it but sending you loads of this to make you feel better <'> <'> <'>

jayne xx

[lisann]

Hi Ya

Sorry your family don't understand sometimes I think personaly they don't want to deff the case with mine anyway.

Just smile and only put yourself and your child in their company when you need to. You sound like youv'e gone this far with out them and by the sounds of it you are doing a fantasic job.

 

We are always going to be here for u and unfortunatly you can't swap/change your family wish you could tho' I'd swap several of mine!!!

 

Lisa x

[helenl53]

My goodness - it must be the way the planets are lined up - families being insensitive!

 

I suppose we expect them to feel and know and love the way we do and I find it difficult. My family have taken pot shots at me over the last two or three days and I despair - how the hell can I make others understand if my own family don't understand. They love me and they love my son - but they think it will all go away - and it won't. I know they are trying to make me feel better about things by focussing on what he does well - but I can not get it through to them that it is not enough to be clever - he walked past some teenagers (he is nine) and luckily I was with him - he started calling them chavs and punks. He thinks this is OK because that is what they are - chavs and punks - but in a few years time, I am not going to be there to stop him having his head kicked in.

 

Need to go and kick the planets out of whack a bit!

 

Helen

[Kathryn]

Hi Bevalee,

 

<'> <'>

Lisa's advice is right - only see your family when you absolutely have to. You know the truth about your situation and how well you have done to get R where he is today. You can't help their ignorance.

 

K x

[mossgrove]

'If he had the right guidance, you wouldn't have had to send him to that school would you'.

 

Thats cleared that one up then. All these parents that would be better off with their kids unsupported in mainstream are having specialist provision foisted upon them despite their best efforts to resist it. Thanks to your relatives for pointing that out.

 

Simon.

[hev]

i think the reason we get upset is because out of everyone i expected my family to understand,steves aspergers is like the subject not to be mentioned,if my sisters got the flu i mention it though,steves got problems which affect his life but its like taboo,i even feel they think im making it all up(if only)i just tend to keep away from them although its hard cos its family,whoever said you can choose your friends but not family should be knighted cos its so true!we are all here for each other and i think we all do a brilliant job

[asereht]

Oh I know what to do now take K out of the unit he's in and send him back to school with a good slap!! Families eh..

 

Everyone gone to see wrestling tonight even K and hubby so all on my own going back to finish the wine.

 

Take care bev and don't let them get you down..... They don't mean anything by it, they just don't understand..Still no excuse though.

 

Theresa

Edited November 19, 2005 by asereht

[lil_me]

Some of our family understand, the ones who don't haven't got any better

 

DH's Mam works in Iraq, when she comes home she sometimes comes to see the children (yes sometimes) and every time she asks why Mikey hides from her, I just repeat myself again - He doesn't know you.

[barefoot wend]

Bevalee

 

Sorry that you had such a terrible time - don't know what to say - nothing can make it any better.

 

Barefoot

[shintyboy]

It's obviously a common problem,because when i tried to explain to my mum about mine and my sons ASD,her response was "Oh at least it's not life threatening!".At least i know where i got my insensitivity from!!

[Malika]

Bevalee, <'> <'> <'>

 

I know it's hard but don't let them get you down ,sorry but they haven't got a clue and you have , there is another aspect to it recognising that somebody in the family has a problem like autism make them feel unsecure just in case there would be something wrong with them, they rather like to say that it is your fault, much easier as well they don't have to try to help.....

Poor you, you do the job and comes the inspectors and it's not good enough ...if only they knew.

 

Don't worry on the forum we know that you are doing a brilliant job, and you know we know......

 

Take care. <'>

 

Malika.

[MumTee]

Oh Bev <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

My mother-in-law on Friday: "well I spoke to a man in the paper shop who used to be a Headmaster and he says it doesnt sound like autism"........ oh. ok then, I'll write to the Paediatrician, speech therapist, portage nurse, SENCO and every other professional thats seen my boy and CANCEL everything! Aaargh! Then she said "isn't it about time you got him out of nappies?" (he's 2 and a half and non verbal)

 

Did you ever watch Scrubs? In my head I was whacking her round the head with a casserole dish but I took a deep breath, smiled sweetly and made her another cup of tea!

 

I couldnt cope if I didnt have this forum thats for sure

[katkin]

Bev, my heart goes out to you Families are grim sometimes. My own is rather bizarrely dysfunctional and over the years I have seen less of them, yes it still hurts if I think about it so I try not to. When I do, I lock myself in a room have a good cry then come out to face the world again. Good friends have helped particularly when they're on my side and agree with me! My mother has just moved to Eire (sorry for all you over there - look out for mad woman on a bicycle!) My husband hasn't stopped smiling since she told him she was going. Take care, I suppose cyber hugs aren't much consoloation for the real thing, but remember everyone here understands; even me and I keep saying I won't be back on this forum!! Love Kat

[minerva]

aaaaaaaaaaargh!! people are just sooooooooooooooooo (insert bad word here)

 

My Son stay with his grandparents (from the other side) almost every weekend. He has done since he was really small. Mainly because i need some breathing space! I had a feeling a couple of years back that they had NO CLUE what was going on so i started asking his grandad to come to some appointments with me, including the Ed Psych one. He was flabberghasted to say the least. He came out feeling as guilty as sin for shouting at him for soiling, forgetting simple things, taking ages to get dressed etc etc.

 

I really thought that it would have helped & for a while it seemed to. Then came a time a few months ago he dropped Cameron off and said

 

"I dont want to see him for a while now!"

 

so i asked him why

 

"He said he hates me & wishes i was dead"

 

so i tell him he's lucky that it took this long as he's been saying stuff like that to me for years!

 

"Well i dont like it"

 

hmmm of course i enjoy it dont i

 

So they didnt have him for 7 weeks!! bear in mind that they are the only people in the planet that will have him & he doesnt go to school who do they think they are punishing????????? Him or me?????????

[natasha778]

Bev, so sorry to hear that, the only consolation I can offer is: you are not the only one, I suppose we all have to deal with that type of problem. My side of the family is not too bad (at least so far, it is still early days), my father-in-law is pretty reasonable, but my mother-in-law is a real master of denial. The A word is a strict taboo, no matter how we try to explain she just says we are imagining things and that he will grow out of it soon, once he starts playing with other kids more - and of course she thinks it is my fault, as I don't take him to playgroups often enough. Her best ever was (re: my son not talking yet): "it is because you don't talk to him enough. If you just sit down next to him and say a word really sloooowly, and then repeat it a few times, I'm sure he'll start talking". I guess if I look on the bright side she does live a two hour flight away. huh.

 

 

There was a great article in yesterday's Guardian, about a boy whose face got burn in house fire when he was a baby, and how the family are dealing with his facial disfigurement, ie with stares and bullying and misunderstanding. Before the boy started school the mother went to see the headmaster and explained the situation, and then wrote to all the parents in his class... http://www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,1645665,00.html Maybe in some situations handing a book on autism or something like that would be of help... don't know, just hope there is something out there that would make some people think/listen.. .

[bevalee]

Thank you for all of your support

 

I lent my Aunt a book by Tony Attwood on Asperger Syndrome, i thought she might understand a bit more after reading it.

 

Apparently is was boring because it was repetative and R will grow out of the problem anyway!

 

I rest my case!

[rainbow queen]

big hugs to you -know how u feel.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx think your doing brill copingxxx