Other people's houses

[OPooh]

I think the title just about covers it.

 

My ds isn't so bad when he's in his routine but now it's Christmas it's like I have a different child.

 

We've just visited the in-laws and it was aaaaagh

My ds just had like a complete metal down for no reason - other than being told to behave appropriately.

It didn't matter what we said he just got worse

 

To make it worse he's still being assessed - so no-one's actually said he's got asperger's yet, and we could just feel the prejudging.

 

So I wondered how your children behave in other people's houses? Does this vary depend on different factors - like time of year, how crowded, how much their behaviour needs correcting etc?

 

And what do you do to try and make the visit as calm as possible?

 

Thanks in advanced for your replies.

 

Merry Christmas.

[adamsmum]

Adam is a terrible when in other peapls houses. he will pinch food kick doors and run round upstairs. he takes no notice of wot he's told. we don't take him now it just causes upset and its not fair on him. Kieran is sometimes ok but if he's had a bad day or been off his routine then you've had it. I think all this is commen with the Autistic kids

[forbsay]

I am very wary of taking my son to other people's houses............... as not sure how he will react and how they will react to him/

 

Also used to get tense when people used to visit the house. I am alot better now - i just try to analyse people less!

[oracle]

For the forst time EVER we managed a visit to Matthew's Godmother and stopped for longer than it takes to say Merry Christmas and here are your gifts. That is how bad Matthew is in anyones house. He will not even visit my Mum for longer than 10 minutes. Mostly we just don't 'do' visiting. The only house he is happy in apart from ours is my friends who also has a son with autism. For some reason he is quite happy to visit his friend.

 

He is much better with vistors than he used to be because after ten minutes he used to ask them to leave. Now they can generally stay for an hour before he asks them to go

 

So because we don't 'do' visiting we have just entertained the world and his wife for Christmas and I am totally shattered. And we are not finishes yet we have more company arriving tomorrow.

 

Carole

Edited December 26, 2005 by carole

[OPooh]

I think it's the "all kids are like this" attitude we are facing too! People just seem to think he's not been disciplined enough yet

[mum22boys]

I agree with you OPooh.

 

We took M round to visit friends who we only see occasionally. They know m is being assessed but have only recently had their first child. M jumped all round the room trying to catch these balls of colours then when he wanted something and was unsure of how to go about asking for it he got frustrated and started shouting. Our friend tried to lecture him about saying sorry to mummy for shouting and how it was inappropriate behaviour!!!!

 

Even yesterday when we visited my brother and his family m sat in a trance on the sofa for an hour before he would get up and talk to his cousins. I now just tell people to ignore him and let him adjust in his own time. When people talk to him in just makes him worse.

 

I agree all this Christmas visiting is just too much. Roll on next week.

 

mum22boys

[phasmid]

Other peoples house can be a nightmare. There are only about 3 we can got to who are not relatives. Even then things have to be planned in advance. Parties here are alright as he has his room as a bolt hole and we simply make it a rule that NO-ONE is allowed in there except him(we soon hear if they try!).That way he can float in and out as he feels fit, no pressure. If we are at a party elsewhere it is with friends who understand and try to arrnage him some space he can use as per his room. Spur of the moment get togethers don't happen.

[rainbow queen]

me too have this prob

im only able to take him to my parents and both my sisters as they are well informed of it all[in fact one my sisters has son with AS and tourettes and ocd-shes the one who understands the most]

my other sis is very chilled person so she can ride it

my parents know it all too well

but anyone else i cant -as like you said it looks like naughty uncontrolled behaviour

i am just trying to educate my sons step sister on it all as well-she lives with her mum -but have same dad[although my son dont see his dad] cause she will have him sometimes and shes 16-but really have to drum it in about how he is as her mum thinks he will grow out of it and its just naughtyness

its so hard explaining it that half the time its not worth the trouble

so i am a recluse alot LOL

we live a hermit life

[lynyona]

I dont have this problem because of kierans reluctance to leave our house,but on the odd occasion we get him to his nanna s he sits there not saying a word,and when we have visitors they very rarely see him as he goes upto his bedroom.

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I don't take Kai to most of my friends/family's houses because he is a total nightmare. He HATES visiting people and gets really rude and will say, "can we go now?" over and over again. One of my close friends is very understanding, so i can go there, but usually only for a very short visit.

 

Makes you a recluse, but i don't really like socialising much anyway, so suits me!

 

I have given up making excuses fot not going to people's houses when invited.

 

Loulou x

[reuby2]

We have trouble taking J to most places but funnily enough he is far better when we go to my friends house for a short time(very short!) than when she visits us with her twin boys.If we manage to get him to visit Nana and Grandad he is so rude that i just cringe and he will say things like "i hate her and i don't even like her" etc

He also does this when they visit us.He has visited a friends house recently, but only if i can stay whilst he is there, and behaved well, apart from trying to tell them how he wanted them to play.

This christmas , hubby took him for the "once a year at Christmas " obligatory visit to his aunties house and J was saying I hate her, I don't even like her, I don't even want to be here, etc. Hubby was so embaressed that he didn't stay and the auntie looked gutted as she only sees hubby and J once a year and lives on her own etc.Hubby had to ring and explain that he had been dx as ASD, which she didn't understand

 

 

Sometimes I don't know where to put my face and We do tell him that it's rude etc.We currently have visitors

that have come from America (arrived today, not staying with us though..phew) and we are expected to do things all week with them as their little girl 8 is with them. I really am not looking forward to it. J has a habit of talking about "trumps" etc and our American family are quite prim and proper...

 

Bye for now, hope evryone gets a little fun over the new year. <'>

[rainbow queen]

lol at reuby " j has a habit of talking about trumps"

my son also dose this and go s on about his poo

you have to laugh or youd cry

[lindy-lou]

having other people in your house can be just as bad,ive been at my sisters all day and my AS nephews been on high alert all day,on the verge of a major meltdown but thankfully he's beginning to learn how to deal with it and sort of listen to reason a bit more,made the day very stressful though.Very proud of him for trying as well. i have a problem as well with certain people coming to My House,India just takes dislike to certain people and she really embarrasses me by being really mean and nasty to them,i dont know if she feels threatened by them or what,even though their always really nice to her she just be's really nasty to them.

[neda]

My little one is particularly bad in other houses if there are lots of people. He doesn't like too much noise so he'll shout be quiet and its too noisy and cover his ears and then he'll start his running around, banging into people, throwing things and thinking it is all funny. When people tell him to stop he just gives them a big smile and takes that as an invitation to get that person to join in the fun. Must admit I did laugh the other day as I had sisters talking and saying he'll calm down in a minute while he was laying into me, their faces told a different story when he did it to them when they were being lovely to him and trying to calm him down. Some people just don't understand that when you say don't talk to him it will make him worse, that I'm not being a cruel mum, just an understanding one. I do tend not to take him to other peoples houses as he finds it difficult to cope, but then feel guilty as I feel I am leaving him out of things.

[kerrybobs]

Hiya,

 

When we go to visit friends, relatives etc. We get a mixed bag of emotions. If we say we are going out she will pester and pester what time we will be going.

 

She will go routing in peoples cupboards, fridges, wardrobes. Once she has eaten all she can eat she will get restless and start crying she wants to go home.

 

She will get quite out spoken and can be very rude and upsetting. She will comment on the person that we are visiting either telling them all their faults ie: big bum, big nose, spots etc. Then she will start on there house. I have a cousin who often goes and buys the same as what I have, Robyn will tell her she is a copy cat and to stop copying her mum. She told my cousin who had just had a baby that she thought the baby was ugly and the baby has big ears. I could have killed her.

 

When I try and coax her to stay a little while longer she will throw a tantrum and start telling everyone they are nasty. She will then either hit the other kids or starts screaming. When I put our coats on she will then cry she does'nt want to go home and wants to stay. By this time I am on the verge of flipping myself.

 

That saying " I wish the floor would open up & swallow me" often springs to mind.

 

Kerry

[asereht]

I dont have this problem because of kierans reluctance to leave our house,but on the odd occasion we get him to his nanna s he sits there not saying a word,and when we have visitors they very rarely see him as he goes upto his bedroom.

 

 

 

That is much the same situation ours. When he was younger visiting was a nightmare and we didn't understand why. When we did understand other people wouldn't listen so we stopped bringing him unless we really had to. Now that he is 14 he makes his own choice.

 

Theresa

[carrieq]

I dread it and ds really only goes to peoples houses who know about him. Mind you yesterday I had to go to the doctor and ds came too. He was touching things in drs room, I told him what the things did and that they belonged to someone else, he touched them again and the dr boomed at him telling him he should do as I say. I told her that before she interferes again she should check out his medical records.

[phasmid]

Good for you! I hope she apologised, NT or AS or not, she was out of order shouting at a child.

[~Jonathan~]

Mum & I have lived as recluses for years now. No one comes to visit and if we didn't make the effort to stay in touch with people, we wouldn't see anyone. I rarely leave the house though I do wander out in the garden most mornings while all the curtains everywhere else are still closed, it's as if I have the whole world to myself. I wrap up warm and take out a cup of tea and commune with the early morning wildlife, sit and chat with them. I always end up saying or doing the wrong thing with other people and half the time don't realise what I've said or done. Last week, I opened the door to two christian women who wanted me to join their church. One of them suddenly said loudly, "he is here, jesus is the risen lord" and I said "blimey, has he taken to levitating now then?" and got a rant about how he died for me and how I shouldn't be so disrespectful and I just closed the door on them. They knocked loudly and one of them lifted the letterbox and started shouting through it, so I went and knelt down behind the door and peered through it from where I was, which put a stop to her. Yesterday, I spoke to the new neighbours and gave them my entire life story and I suppose they now think I'm a nutter but I worry so much about how I come across that I want them to know so I don't cause any future offense though I probably will

Edited December 31, 2005 by ~Jonathan~

[lynyona]

I dont think society helps our children much,kieran often says to me im not going out there and get my face smashed in,Why?,that must be how he sees things or fears things.I read on the teletext last night about an Autistic boy 17 being attacked by a gang of youths they stole his wallet and also his mobile i think,it must be frightening for NT youths, so what must it have been like for the poor lad.But i try to instill in kieran it isnt good for him to stay in all the time in his own world but he feels safe there,but i do wish we could break through it just a littl bit.He as a good friend and he often comes and stays and his mum as askd kieran to go there but he wont i dont know if its the fear of him not knowing how he is supposed to behave but in his friends mothers case she knows where he s coming from because his friend is exactly the same.

[lancelot]

And sometimes you can't blame them for not wanting to go...

 

We went to visit the aged parents over Christmas, and an elderly friend popped round, watched the boys for a bit, and then remarked (audibly) to my mother, 'They seem quite well-behaved, dear. I thought you said the big one was a bit weird?'

[Chimi]

hi all -I am new to this forum and this is my first mail. I have a 5 yr old son who is autistic and reading your posts/comments has made me realise that i am not alone in feeling the way i do about my son's behaviour in other people's homes!!

 

We are currently looking for a new house and have gone to view some with him - as soon as we enter the living room he would run and make himself comfortable in their best settee or if we are in a bedroom he would jump on their beds. i do not know what the vendors must be thinking of him !! but i just feel soooo embarrassed and panicy.

[lindy-lou]

hi chimi welcome to the forum

 

lynda x

[phasmid]

Hi Chimi,

 

welcome aboard. You'll find we can all relate to your problems on here. As you have already seen some of the things you thought you were alone in facing are very commonplace on here.

[nellie]

Hi Chimi,

 

Welcome aboard It's a great place with people who understand.

 

Nellie xx

[Chimi]

Hi Chimi,

 

welcome aboard. You'll find we can all relate to your problems on here. As you have already seen some of the things you thought you were alone in facing are very commonplace on here.

 

 

Thanks Phasmid. I feel so relieved that there are people who would understand what we are going thro'. I am positive am going to learn a lot from this forum.

 

hi chimi welcome to the forum

 

lynda x

 

Hi lynda

[annie]

Hi Chimi,

 

Welcome . I used to feel alone too, until I came here. It's like one big understanding family

 

Annie

XX

[DAS999]

We try to avoid going round peoples houses and invite them to ours. then if my GF needs to escape to her bedroom, she can.

[lynyona]

hi chimi

welcome to the board nice to meet you.

 

lynn

[Kathryn]

For the last eighteen months the only house my daughter has visited is her grandparents. It has worked as she has her own room to go off to and doesn't have to join in with eating and socialising if she doesn't want to. The garden is very peaceful and she enjoys it there.

 

Today, for the first time we went to friends for a new year lunch, the first time she had to be part of a social gathering for any length of time - she had to sit and eat with everyone and cope with the noise and mayhem of 3 young boys and 4 adults in a small house.

 

We're really proud of the way she managed. I have to say that the friend has also been L's carer for most of the year and so understands her well. We spent the afternoon playing star wars monopoly, which made her happy, and my friends made the kind of food she likes. We felt very relaxed and comfortable with these people as they understand everything and nothing fazes them.

 

It was a bit like taking Eliza Doolittle to the ball, though. L's table manners aren't exactly age appropriate and she can be extremely direct: how many other dinner tables could cope with a frank discussion about whether or not the crazy frog is anatomically correct? I'd be terrified to take her anywhere else where people are more stuffy and critical.

[LizK]

What a reassuring thread!

 

DS (4yrs old) used to be very shy going to new houses and took a while to warm up. However over recent months introversion has been replaced by manic behaviour though I think his underlying feelings are the same. We were at my mums at Christmas and his behaviour was dreadful at times, really hyped up uber-silly attention seeking behaviour. I know some of it was boredom and typical 4 yr old behaviour but some of it was because he didn't know how to handle the situation and in such circumstances now his default way of dealing with that is to be manic. It's very hard to explain to someone that the seemingly naughty boy behaviour is actually due to his difficulties acclimatising to new palces and sensory overlaod. My mums house is quite overstimulating too which didn't help. After about 48 hours or so he calmed down when we werea t mums as he'd got used to it. We actually stayed with my brother whose house he's very familiar with, much less cluttered and with hisbeloved 3 yr old cousin for distraction and his beahviour there was completely different, so calm. We've got the ILs here atm and he's playing up again simply as he can't process the change. No doubt by Monday he'll have calmed down

 

Lx

[Chimi]

Happy New Year Everyone

 

Lynyona, Nellie, Annie and others its nice to meet you too. <'>

[mandyque]

I'm sort of glad and sort of sad that we are all in the same sort of boat on this I can't bear to take dd to anyones house any more, she runs around digging into everything, helping herself to food, going in bedrooms and rooting through personal stuff, I simply don't see the point in stressing myself out and telling her off for doing what she always does. I end up chasing after her the whole time and don't spend any time with whoever I am visiting, there is no point. All my friends have an open invitation to my house any time but nobody ever comes round, I get so lonely sometimes but there's nothing I can do

 

I also have phases with my depression where I become quite agoraphobic, suffer panic attacks and can't pick up the phone and call anyone, just too scared of rejection if there is no answer or they are too busy to talk, and I never have anything interesting to say anyway, all I've done is sat in the house with dd I'm hopeless

[Chimi]

I'm sort of glad and sort of sad that we are all in the same sort of boat on this I can't bear to take dd to anyones house any more, she runs around digging into everything, helping herself to food, going in bedrooms and rooting through personal stuff, I simply don't see the point in stressing myself out and telling her off for doing what she always does. I end up chasing after her the whole time and don't spend any time with whoever I am visiting, there is no point. All my friends have an open invitation to my house any time but nobody ever comes round, I get so lonely sometimes but there's nothing I can do

 

I also have phases with my depression where I become quite agoraphobic, suffer panic attacks and can't pick up the phone and call anyone, just too scared of rejection if there is no answer or they are too busy to talk, and I never have anything interesting to say anyway, all I've done is sat in the house with dd I'm hopeless

 

hi mandyque

 

my 5 yr old son also behaves like your dd and i also feel helpless, embarrassed and clueless sometimes. I used to be on anti depressants which i have now stopped.(maybe i need to start taking them again).

 

I can sort of relate to how u feel because I also can't go and visit people who might not really understand my son or what Iam going through. I feel lonely myself , but ever since i came across this forum I have found some sort of strength that i am not alone in feeling and going through what I do.

 

Do u have some local group of parents of ASD kids which u could join? Don't be shy of talking to other mothers in your area who have a special need child - u will be amazed at the support u can get.

 

hope u feel better soon- take care

[JUST A DAD !!]

My son K has AS and was diagnosed just over a year ago he is now 11, regarding visiting other people i have found if i give him plenty of notice about the visit ( where,how ,when etc) and exactly what we will be doing with the possibilty of a slight change he behaves very well, i also explain to him what i expect him to behave like on the visit and he will tell me what he expects of me, i find this works well in all aspects of his life and mine and our communication avenues are now wide open , he knows he can talk to me about anything no matter what .

hope that helps

[nellie]

Hi JUST A DAD !! Welcome to the forum.

 

Great to hear your strategies are working.

 

Nellie xx

[DAS999]

Welcome to the forum

[phasmid]

Hi Just A Dad, welcome to the forum. It's a good strategy, one that we use whenever possible, and try to build into the plans that 'something' might change.