Scared, at the damage he's done

[lil_me]

Well my sons always had violent outbursts but today made all the rest seem small.

 

His little brother was playing with his Dad, he was on the PC, he came hurtling over screeching, I didn't think he was going to do anything, but then scratched his brother accross his arms and back, drawing blood. I grabbed him and seperated them as quickly as I could.

 

Looking at it makes me cry, it looks like he's been attacked by a Tiger or something. He said 'accident' straight away but it's no accident and I told him that, then he tried to run away.

 

I've been considering contacting Social Services for support especially with the current 'family' situation being less than perfect but this just makes me think they will try and take him off me or his brother for his own safety. If he's not punching, kicking or biting it's this and it's worse. Also concerned about what to say at school as they have seen marks from him before and have questioned me about it, and this time it's far worse

 

Don't know what to do.

Edited September 9, 2006 by lil_me

[bid]

Oh, hun <'>

 

Bid <'>

[Flora]

<'>

 

Wish I had some words of wisdom... <'> Sorry, I know a hug's useless especially when it's a virtual one.

 

<'>

 

Flora

[Bagpuss]

Lil me <'> <'>

 

Take care x

[lil_me]

Means a lot, more than you might think, especially now, feeling so alone, I don't even dare mention it to people and try to cover up these injuries, it seems crazy to say it but regardless of how much it hurts I wish he'd just do it to me and stop hurting his brother. I know tonight he said that he was upset about something which was said today and it made him feel angry all day and seemed very confused. Caught in the middle, need help but scared to ask for it. I love both my boys so much and would hate to loose them. Sat here in the dark crying my eyes out as I am really at my wits end with everything Little ones been awake twice crying, once because of the pain and the other wanting his Dad. Don't know how much more of this I can take.

Edited September 9, 2006 by lil_me

[Kathryn]

Lil me, <'> <'> <'>

 

K x

[Karen A]

Can't say anything to make it better but <'> <'> <'> Karen

[baddad]

hi lil me...

 

I think you'd be playing a very dangerous game to try and 'hide' this kind of stuff, because if people see it 'accidentally' they may put two and two together and come up with answers that are WAYYYYYY off the mark...

Better (IMHO - feel happy to disregard if you/others disagree) to make EVERYONE aware of what's going on and use that to push for access to appropriate support services like camhs/counselling...

 

I think it very unlikely that SS would consider for a moment separating your family over this, but it could be the spur to get them taking POSITIVE action on your behalf(?)

 

You don't highlight the age difference, but both boys are at school, yes? I think the scenario you fear most would only occur if the smaller child were a babe in arms or toddler...

 

Hope that's helpful: sorry I've got nothing more constructive to offer

 

L&P& <'>

 

BD

[mossgrove]

Lil me

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

This is the issue that worries us most of all with our eldest (8, Aspergers). He has yet to cause serious harm to anyone, but it could well happen in future.

 

You will need to share this with someone. I understand you need to protect by not telling anyone, but in the long run you would not be helping him by doing this.

 

I would suggest asking for an emergency appointment with your consultant pediatrician (if you have one) to discuss this and all the issues surrounding it. e.g. helping him to understand/interpret his own emotions. It's what we did and wheels are being set in motion.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

Simon

Edited September 9, 2006 by mossgrove

[lil_me]

Oldest (ASD/ADHD and all the rest of the labels they stuck on) is 7 and the youngest is 5. Been happening since he was little. School know as they offered to have him full time in nursery to give him a break. I think you're right about hiding it. But feel so guilty that it can happen and there was nothing I could do to stop it any earlier than I did and he was already hurt. I've taken him to the toilet with me when he was a baby and through to sometimes now when I know his brother is in a bad mood just incase, he's always been a punch bag to him I think, which is sad as the little one adores his brother so much.

 

He doesn't have a paed now but he does have a psychiatrist at CAHMS, I am thinking maybe best to call her on Monday and ask her to get in touch with me. I don't know if I should photograph whats happened as sometimes I wonder if they believe me when I mention it how serious it is. School would see it when he gets changed for PE and he tends to tell them, or show them, if he's been hurt so think I would be best going in and explaining, just hope they don't want to remove oldest from school as just got him back there.

 

Thanks everyone. Makes me feel less alone knowing you understand, had a few rude comments off other parents when this type of thing has happened before.

Edited September 9, 2006 by lil_me

[oracle]

Lil me

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

I have to agree with Baddad here and I would not hide what had happened or how. I also agree with Baddad about SS especially if you are being honest about this and trying to do something about it. I would ring for an appointment with the Consultant and stress that it is urgent.

 

This is not really related to your situation but in a way it is. We had the Speach Therapist here on Tuesday to assess Matthew and his progress. After the assessment she had a cup of coffee with us and chated to us. Matthew was telling her about a new game that he had and about comments David made about him playing on it - all negative. I told her that my two have an intense love hate relationship which tends to lean heavily to the hate side (although that is begining to change slightly ) however I made no secret of the fact that David says some terrible things to and about Matthew and Matthew can be just as nasty back. Matthew has on occasion left claw marks all over David's arms and David has on occassion held Matthew in a head lock. She commented that we appear to have a very high level of honesty with each other which she said was very refreshing and I agree we do. I replied that I also share that honesty with others because I have nothing to hide - and nor Lil me do you.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Oracle

Edited September 9, 2006 by oracle

[lil_me]

I understand what you mean about the love hate, my youngest got up in pain earlier from the scratches, but when he was up he went in to check on his brother and covered him with his quilt that he'd kicked off the bed. For all what he takes from him he still adores him and it just made me upset even more that he is so forgiving and understanding.

 

Thanks for the advice, I shall kick my own backside into phoning on Monday and will not just hang up when I get through this time, I suppose what others have said is right and I am looking for help and support, I don't want to have to hide away any more and try to deal with it alone.

 

Thank god for this forum, it took me a few hours to calm down and brave posting about it for fear I would get negative comments but you have all been so nice and so helpful, don't know what I would do without this place.

[stressedmumto2]

lil me, your story with the children is similar to mine.

 

2 age gap with oldes being the one with labels on him.

 

I've never hid the fact of what my son can be like and like you i've also had the schoolsticktheir ore in and contact s/s luckily for me because I had made everyone aware of what he's like noone has batted that much of an eye lid.

 

The latest tohappen was I had take son to hospitalone day and his dad the next for two totally differentthings, me and dad not together so they must of thought it was weird that I never took son (after he feel out of a tree at school and I didn't realiseschoolhad already been saying stuff) as it happens they was not going tolet son out that night, he got checked over twice all marks on his body drawn on paper etc....verdict was no sign of neglect and abuse, just for the type of child all marks explainable.

 

At a child in need meeting school brought up several stuff about children having marks on them etc and despitedad saying he has noprobs whatsoever no fighting between siblings it paid off that some people involved with us said well you don't have them forlong periods of time and other stuff and having seen my son herself basically there is nothing i can do that I was not already doing to prevent incidents from happening and that she felt noone else could stop it.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is be open about it, neither of my children got taken away from me (i wish sometimes, hehe) but from it I am now being supported more, there is in some ways more of an understanding, before I was the bad parent with an acrimonius relatioship with their dad (stillam in some ways but at least now people know and aknowledge just how hard it is).

 

Please use this as your way of getting more support, perhaps write a diary down of every incident that happens, maybe you may see a pattern emerging.

 

I hope you get some support soon, sorry for the long post. But please don't be afraid of letting people know just how bad it is, Take care <'>

[madmooch]

H is like thet with DD and we are under Caamhs ( whatever ) so far no joy in changing it - he bites, pull hair, nips and now he's starting on us when DD isn't around.

SS know about it and all they say is stop him from doing it HOW!

 

 

Sorry dont have any advice as my situation isn't getting any better and it's been going on for 2+ years but i understand and know how you feel <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

 

Clare

[lil_me]

Thank you all for your support, just knowing not alone on this means a lot.

 

I spoke to our support group coord today and she said try CAHMS and if they can't she'll try to help. Just getting it off my chest was a relief in itself. Admitting needing help with something I rarely do.

 

Home situation is less than perfect so suppose it's going to have to be external help I need on this one.

 

Took them out today and he's been really good which made me smile but then kept remembering the situation and whats happened and the downers kick in again and making myself smile at the moment, even for their sake, is very hard.

 

Going to put it in writing to the school explaining whats happened so it's all on paper instead of trying to hide it which was suggested by another parent then if they do make any calls it is there.

Edited September 10, 2006 by lil_me

[smiley]

<'> Lil me <'>

[forbsay]

Sending you lots of hugs.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Forbsay

x

[loulou]

Hi lilme,

 

<'> Just wanted to add that i agree that you need to speak to someone about this. I have only just recently started talking to professionals about Kai's violence towards me. To be honest, i usually get the reply, "You mustn't let him do it" to which i say, "how the hell can i stop him?".

 

Anyway, last week we saw a clinical psychologist and she saw a big scar on my arm and asked where i got it from. Now everything's out in the open and hopefully we'll get some help. She said that i cannot live in an environment where I am not safe from my own child, especially as i have another baby on the way.

 

I hope you get some help too hon,

 

Loulou x

[tsmom]

<'> <'> <'>

School will understand and then if you little one needs to talk about it they can offer support.

Its not yr fault and its not a bad thing to ask for help in fact its very brave.

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> Lil me <'> <'>

 

Hope you get something sorted and underway through CAMHS tomorrow

[Platefull of Love]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

You are not alone in all this. My middle lad take things out on his brothers to, mainly my eldest. I have tried to be open about it, lucly now he doesn't go for me like he used to. I am at a meeting with my eldest counceller ( CAMHS ) on tuesday to discuss all this as its impacting on my eldest alot

[KarenT]

Nothing to add, Chuck, just wanted to send you some positive vibes. Good luck with phone calls and hope you get some help with this.

 

Karen

x

[lindy-lou]

poor you lil me i hope you can get some help for all of you <'>

[marshmallow]

I hope you get the help/support you need soon. Sending you loads of pv's and hugs <'> take care.

[lil_me]

Well I did it. Went in the school, bottled out at first then ended up crying and confessing to another parent who came in with me while I explained, which was really nice of her to do considering I don't know her very well. I told the HT what has been happening, that things aren't perfect at home etc and what he's done to his little brother and asked them to keep an eye on him at school and told them I would call CAHMS about it.

 

I rang CAHMS and left message for the CP to ring me about an appointment this time without my son there so I can explain it all without feeling awkward or upsetting him further.

 

I also rang the GP as I know I an seriously depressed, and can't seem to pull myself out of it, so off there on Friday and hopefully knowing you lot know, I will go, helps saying what I'll do as I feel guilty if I back out. It's even hard to smile for their sakes at the minute, find myself crying or wandering round in a daze all the time and got a permenant head ache I can't shake off have never felt this low.

 

Thank you all for your support and not judging me as a bad parent which I have had before. Having noone else to turn to at the minute it really helps having everyone on here. If I ever get to meet you all the first drinks on me. Just someone to listen at the minute to my babbling on as my heads such a mess has probably saved me from doing anything stupid. My shoulders are only small and the wight on them feels so huge right now.

Edited September 11, 2006 by lil_me

[Bagpuss]

Lil me.......so pleased to hear you are taking steps to deal with situation and how you are feeling. I think you've done the right thing, and hope the GP, school and CAHMS give you the support you really need right now <'> Thinking of you <'>

[tsmom]

Well done you The first step is the hardest

[DaisyProudfoot]

Lil..me <'> <'> Well done.

 

You're doing the right thing and you know it

[bid]

Well done, LM <'> <'>

 

Bid

[Karen A]

Hi you did the right thing.I hope you get the help you need.Don't blame yourself-you can't be there to step in all the time.I know with the boys things can go from fine to dreadful in a minute.We are just more able to cope because our NT son is older and bigger and knows to shout.Karen <'> <'> Karen

[dooday24]

LIL ME I KNOW ITS VERY HARD MY TWO R THE SAME REECE CAN GET VERY VIOLENT TOWARDS SHANNON AND I EXPLAIN TO NURSERY WHY SHANNON HAS PINCH MARKS OR SCRATCHES AND THEY HAV BEEN VERY UNDERSTANDING. BUT IT IS VERY HARD ON SHANNON AT TIMES BUT AS MOTHERS WE DO THE BEST WE CAN CHIN UP AND SENDING YOU LOADS OF <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

[oracle]

 

Well done Lil Me you have done the hardest part today the next steps wont be so hard. You will go on Friday because you already know that you need to.

 

We are here for you <'> <'> <'>

 

Oracle

[baddad]

<'> <'>

 

bd <'>

[Platefull of Love]

Lil Me, today you have done alot. You have been open about everything & done positive steps to get help, remember its not a failure to feel everything is to much. You are not alone in this. All the best for Friday. I really pray you get the help you deserve, you have been so strong today, keep on going <'> <'>

I know I am still a newbie here, but I already know that this is such a lovely group where we can be honest without fear of wrong judgement ( for want of a better word ). I honestly wish you all the best. <'>

[mossgrove]

Lil Me

 

You have taken some very big steps today.

 

You should be proud of yourself.

 

Simon

[nellie]

Lil me

 

Well done

 

Nellie <'> <'>

[Suze]

<'> Big hugs to you....................and hey remember if at times the weight on your shoulders is too heavy shove it all in a wheel barrow and push it down a hill............wwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...........all the way down...love Suzex (thats what I do).........if you can,t find a wheel barrow a supermarket trolley is a good stand by. <'>

[smiley]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Well done - first steps always the hardest <'> <'>

 

xxxx

[lil_me]

Thanks everyone. Inc for the PMs aswell as the messages on here. It's really helped right now. Got an urgent appointment at CAHMS next Tuesday, fingers crossed they can do/suggest something as he's also attacked the dinner lady in school now aswell with a skipping rope, aswell as me and his little brother on a regular basis.

[Bagpuss]

Good luck on Tuesday lil me...thinking of you <'>