Dijac

Hi Jane, I have similar problems with my 13 y.o aspie. But he hates our shower as he says he feels too closed in - he says it's like a gas chamber. So he just takes baths, and only 2 - 3 times per week - it would be less if he had his way. He hates to be shut in the bathroom too, so leaves the door ajar, but gets all upset if anyone comes near. He hates the water falling on his head too, so getting him to wash his hair is an issue. I did try getting him some nice, grown up shower gel / shampoo, but it hasn't made any difference. So not much help I am afraid, Diane

Thanks for your replies - had a couple difficult days when James got back - then today something really weird - I told them computer had to be turned off for a bit today, and then I caught them playing and laughing together. I think after a break, they realised they missed each other a bit. let's see how long it lasts...

Thanks Lancs Lad - we will have a big change when they go back to school, as they will be at the same school for the first time in ages. Not sure if that'll be a good thing or a bad thing. We shall see. Di

Hi, My husband had to return to UK for work, and my youngest asked if he could go. Will (13, AS) hates travelling , so it was decided he'd stay here with me. So off went husband and James (10, NT) to sunny Basingstoke. I thought this would be a good time for Will, who is always sayign he hates his Dad and his brother. But in fact, he has still been pretty stressed this week - I 've managed to force him out of the house a bit to walk the dog. And I came up with re-decorating his room - which he seems to have gotten into - albeit in brief spells. One wall per day. Apart from that, he is on computer all day. And I think he is starting to stress for back to school etc, so we have had some bad nights, and he keeps having bad thoughts etc. But I was sort of pleased, as Will doesn't want me to tell his Dad about his room - wants to surprise him - so can't hate him as much as he says!! But what I have discovered is it has really been good for James - he has stayed with my parents, who usually find him a pain - but usually as we are saying "leave yoiur brother alone!!" etc. He's been able to do lots of things we can't usually do - swimming, golf etc. And has had one to one attention from the family. Has made me realise maybe I don't give him enough attention. Will have to see how I can re-assess things when he gets back. Diane

Hi Laurent, I am English, but live in France. My son is also 13 - and threatens not to go to school. But so far, he continues to go. Although he is already panicking about the rentree! He sounds like your girlfriend's son in that he is very intelligent, goes to a normal school, but can get aggressive, usually when he is frustrated. We always feel we are walking on egg shells with him too. When we spoke to him, we found that the worst things for him were the playground and the canteen. Admittedly, it is not always easy, but between my husband and I we usually pick him up and bring him back for lunch - maybe not so easy in UK, since they don't have such long lunchbreaks as in France. Giving him a good break at lunchtime gives him time to 'destress', then he can face the afternoon again. We also spoke to the school, and when he is very stressed, he can tell someone (vie scolaire), and is allowed to go somewhere quiet with a book during the recreation time. Maybe just making a small change like this will make school more bearable for him, and also shows him you are trying to help him. Diane

Hi, My boys are older now, AS 13, and Nt 10. I agree with Mike that they are competing for attention - my 10 y.o often says he hates that his brother has AS, as this does make things more difficult. If you don't have another adult who could take one or 2 of them ,so you can have alone time with the 3rd one, then maybe there is a daycare, or club they could go to, just so you get one on one time with each of them on a regular basis. I do find that when mine have been separated a bit, they are better when they are together (for a little while anyway!!) The only other thing I can say is try to praise and reward when your son does behave well - even if just for 30 mins while you do something with the younger ones - although I know this is easier said than done sometimes. Good luck, Diane

Hi, My son diagnosed recently too. Diane

Hi, We have found that the bracelets mentioned by MandaPanda help my son, who gets sick in all forms of transport. As Trakster says, an empty stomach can make things worse, and we find if he eats something dryish before the trip, some biscuits etc, then he is better than if he has a lot of liquids beforehand. Diane

Hi Sharn, My boys are 13 and 10 - the 13 y.o is AS, so we have the joys of his condition together with adolescence. Welcome to the forum. Diane

This has worried me now - I thought all boys of about 13 developed boobs for a bit, but maybe it isn't as normal as I thought? Diane

Hi, I went to a really cool concert yesterday - it was an Aspergers awareness concert put on by the Aspergers association for this region of France. Unfortunately, not many people came. However, the son (AS) and daughter of the lady who runs the assoc are both gifted violinists, plus one of the mothers is a pianist. They played a lot of classical music during the first half, and it was superb. During the second half there was a puppet show to explain what autism and aspergers is - we took my younger son, who was very interested to learn more about the syndrome which affects his brother. Then some younger aspies either played some music, or read poems - some written by themselves. Some were very moving. For once, I had manged to get my husband to come along - I think it was good for him. He does tend to bury his head in the sand a bit. Unfortunately, Will, my aspie son, refused to come. He says he's not like all of 'them' - I think he is still in denial. But meeting with the other parents helps me. Even if it is slow, they are trying to make progress here in France. Diane

Hi, My 10 y.o has a similar problem, and was diagnosed with dysgraphia last year. When he is made to write quickly in school, his writing is atrocious. I am hoping that when he goes up to senior school he will be able to use a laptop to take notes, or he'll get very behind. Diane

Hi Mum of 4, My son is almost 13, and we have just got him diagnosed in April. He was always a bit different but it became really noticeable with adolescence. Like your son, ours seemed to manage school, and his teachers said what a lovely boy he was - then he got home.... And he'd let it all out. I agree with Darkshine that it takes all his energy to behave 'normally' in public, then he has to let it out when he is on safe ground. We have found that letting him come home for lunch helps - he can have some quiet time and is less wound up in the evening - (easier here in France when they get 2 hours for lunchtime). Is your son into computer - my son is obsessed with this, and he looked up AS on his own - it seemed to help him when he discovered some famous, sucessful people are supposed to have AS, especailly when he read the inventor of Pokemon is allegedly an Aspie. I have joined a support group but Will refuses to come. The other teenagers there seem to enjoy speaking to each other, but Will came once and said he wasn't like them. We have a meeting this week, so I am hoping to get him to try again, but I am not sure he will. One of the other Mum's there said that this age was the worst, and that her son had a lot less meltdowns once he got into his upper teens. We are still coming to grips with things, and still have some very bad days, but in understanding some of his traits, we can at least prepare ourselves and him when we know a stressful event is coming up. Best Wishes, Diane

Hi, I read somewhere the other day that the more people we speak to, the more luck we have - just in the fact that we have more acquaintances. After I thought about it, I realised that my brother (who is now a taxi driver) has always been able to chat to who ever - and when he needs something, he always seems to know someone, who knows someone, who can help etc. And as Lancslad said, just feeling as you are part of society is quite nice. Diane

I tried to convince him - I know he'll regret it tomorrow - but he was startign to feel ill. He came with me to see the teacher - I thought he would join in the excitement of the others - but he just felt worse. On the other hand, as he has jumped a year, he is only 12 while the rest are 13-14, so maybe he was just too young for such a big trip. We live and learn...

Hi,, Will was due to leave for a school trip to London - was a shame they were leaving so late - 11.15 tonight - he was ok up till 9pm - then started have panic attcks -He couldn't get on the bus. Now we know his limitations I guess. I feel so sad for him tonight. Diane

Hi, Trekster - we actually live in France, and his trip is to London - He has been to England many times (Basingstoke and Tavistock) to visit family, but to London only once. Since he is totally bi-lingual he has no problem with the language, so has that advantage over his classmates. His teacher has given him a role as translator for his friends - he usually loves a 'role'.. So far today, he says he is going - bag is almost packed, then I am tryign not to mention it - It is a pain they are leaving at midnight, so he will be over excited and overtired by then. It will about a 7-8 hour drive to Calais - I am hoping he'll sleep most of that - his risperdal does help him sleep, and I will give him some calming homeopathic meds too. A lot of his worry is the journey - he gets travel sick (his teacher is aware of this). So I am hoping if he sleeps and wakes up just about at Calais, he'll feel the worst of the journey is almost over and will relax. He is also worried about using the bathroom etc too - but at 12 I am hoping he can get through that - and if he doesn't wash all week, then it's not the end of the world. He has hardly ever in his 12 years slept away from us. For today, I am just lettign him have extra time on the computer - takes his mind off it. I'll let you know tomorrow. Diane

It does sound a good idea - when I suggested it to him, I was told to stop asking ****** questions! I just wished I had thought of getting him to make a list when he was in a positive mood. The last he said, he is going - but he has a headache tonight because he is so stressed.

Hi Julie, My eldest is almost 13 and was only presumed AS a year ago (diagnosed now since last month) - and it was because at 11 he started having lots of problems, so I can sympathise. We have put a few measures in place (for example, he comes home to lunch most days now), and have good weeks and bad weeks. Welcome to the forum, Diane

Hi, Well Will's trip (from France) to London is tomorrow - and I keep thinking of the song by the Clash - as that is what he says constantly. Should i stay or should I go? He is ,understandably, very scared - yesterday we had a lot of throwing stuff - we had some old tiles in the garden, so I told him to throw them, which seemed to calm him a bit. We've told him it's his choice - I don't want to force him. But I think if he doesn't go he'll regret it, and he feels that too. He was so excited when the trip was announced, and was sort of in a group of friends - even if on the edge, so I thought it would be good for him. But he seems to be further from the dge of the group at the moment, and says they think he's strange. We need to shop today for a few bits - but I told him he needs new socks etc anyway, so it doesn't matter if he goes or not. I think the next 36 hours are going to be a roller coaster for him and us. I let you know if he goes. Diane

Hi Vikki, I have an almost 13 y.o AS boy - and yes, teenage years are not easy!! Diane

Hi, Well I just got back from the meeting with his english teacher - my husband had printed off something that explains AS, so I gave that to her as she didn't know much about it. She has several students who she may not let in the chamber of horrors, so he won't be the only one - and she will keep a n eye on him, and try to find a quiet corner when timing allows for his de'stress ritual. She also had a very good idea - she will give him a key role - she said she does this in class, which he seems to like - and being the only child of English parents, he can have an important part to play helping the other students. I think he will like this. He says the others often ignore him, but I think if they are asking for his help, he will relish that. As you say Lancslad, he really wants to fit in - and being a bit different, plus being a year younger than the others, doesn't always help him. She will also ask the agency who are arranging the accomodation for the most sympathetic family for him - so that shoudl help too. And I gave her my parents phone number as a last resort - and she knows he doesn't know about this too. We made a shopping list for a few bits he needs at lunchtime, He says he is scared, but does still seem to want to go. So, all in all, I am a bit more re-assured. Now, time will tell.......

Hi Lancslad, Well I screwed up trying to quote there - your bit from 'I tend to see my AS as a compromise' is exactly how my son seems to react. And at 12 his management strategies are a bit limited. But I agree it will be an interesting experiment to see how he copes. At worst, my parents live an hour or so from London, so could go and see him if he really hated it. That has always been my back up plan - and one which I have never mentioned to Will - I have tried to be very positive when speaking to him. I read that there is an age limit of 12 for the chamber of horrors - or maybe that was unaccompanied? It is about 30 years since I went.

I forgot to mention, several times a day he likes to 'de-stress' by walking up and down on his own somewhere - should I mention this too?