SarahSH

Hi Kate yes, my son always did that on the stairs when he was younger - 15 now and doesn't do it any more, but it still looks like an effort. It used to look like it was way too high for him to stretch swinging each leg up in turn, so he went up one foot at a time and then brought the other one onto the same stair, like a toddler. He has an AS diagnosis, but also dyspraxia, which I gather goes with it sometimes but not always. The paediatrician said something about weak muscle tone, which means it's like he's going against more gravity than most people, like walking through treacle. Doesn't do the tommy cooper thing, but does hold himself kind of stiffly a lot of the time, as if he's having to work to hold himself together. Doesn't automatically know where his body is, if you know what I mean. Makes life so much harder - just carrying himself and getting to places needs thinking about. Wonder whether it means you might kind of forget where your hands are, unless you keep them ready? Sarah

Hi Ian, for what it's worth, in our family, we think the loveliest people are what you describe as borderline or undiagnosed aspergers - including us! It's kind of an accolade in our book, even though or maybe because it's pretty tough sometimes. Not sure what positives a diagnosis would bring, there may be some practical ones, but it's a fair bet it would bring a certain amount of anxiety and tension. In a way, the fact that you recognise these traits in yourself might be all the diagnosis you need to be kind to yourself when you're in difficulties - and to push yourself a little bit when you suspect it's necessary. High anxiety is horrible. Just knowing other people are in the same boat might help - is there any kind of adult AS group near you? Perhaps your girlfriend could ring them if there is and confirm whether you needed a diagnosis to join them. It's unlikely they'd insist on people being card-carrying AS. Or a group with a common interest, which may well have its share of people with undiagnosed asperger's syndrome. A lovely nature, a lovely girlfriend and a true friend to stand by you - sounds to me like you've already got things other people struggle for all their lives. all the best Sarah

Hi Eva, not sure what stage your son is at, but when my son was at primary school he had an LSA to help him get dressed after swimming. Don't think I had to make a fuss, they seemed to think it was their responsibility to provide an extra pair of hands to help him wriggle into clothes if he wasn't going to end up in a writhing damp tangle, long after everyone else was ready! The good news is, it does get better. we have the odd crazy tie or oddly buttoned shirt moment, but on the whole he dresses himself fine now, some years on, even after a swim. Good luck! Sarah

Hi Sarah I think it might be another part of ASD. It sometimes seems as if someone coming in too close or even looking at ASD kids can feel like a scary intrusion to them. Maybe part of the sensory overload thing? I agree with other people that it's probably partly to do with not getting how it might affect the other person, but sometimes I think it's more frightened and defensive then that. It's as if it feels like a kind of attack to them, even though we may not see it that way and can tell that the other person was noway going to harm them. Very embarrassing, and how can you keep them away from everyone who might look at them or come in to a public loo? You couldn't, and you wouldn't want to. But it might be worth letting your son know you understand if it feels scary. I suppose being in the loo with your trousers down, you'd feel very unprotected and would lash out ready to get your retaliation in first if you felt under threat. So I suppose I'm saying maybe it comes from a sense of threat that needs understanding and thinking about together. Don't say this an an expert, because I'm not, but have thought a bit about it with my son (15) who's done similar things. Sarah

Hi Stephanie I felt guilty reading your post because my son walks on the outside of his feet and I have to say I have left it at the bottom of the to-do list. He seems to have so many things to remember to do with concentration, organisation, getting dressed & school generally that it felt like one too many things to be reminding him about. However, the fact that it does get worse over the years and seems to cause physical damage means I really should get it checked out. Thanks for the prompt! So well done you thoughtful mum you & good luck with your efforts! love Sarah

Hi Allie Have to say, it's still a problem with my kids who are older now - thought it was just the resistance to showers & washing, but realise from what other people say that yes, there probably is an anxiety factor too. I've noticed it loads lately at a pretty anxious time for my daughter (AS), now nearly grown up. I do leave the deodorant out, but the older they get, the less you can interfere without being insulting. Her boyfriend seems OK with it though, so just have to leave it to her, I suppose. My teenage son (AS) I can still boss about a little bit, just gentle encouragement shall we say, about regular baths ( involving soap) and a spray of something manly in the mornings. He fights it though, because he doesn't want to be'cool' or grow up or think about 'girls' & seems to think he'll have to leave home and be forced to get a flat and a sports car if he puts deodorant on. Sarah

Hi! Know what you mean. My son (15, AS) does the same kind of thing. He's doing reasonably OK in mainstream, but sings or talks loudly to himself as he gets on with stuff in his room in quite a young way. I put the duplo in the attic only a few years ago, mainly because I was worried that he would get teased ( we live in a stepfamily and his stepbrother & friends can be merciless). His Ted only went to stay with his big brother's old ted a few months ago. Partly because of the risk of teasing, also i felt it was time for him to move on. It does mean he hasn't really got any friends - as you say, they don't want to do the same stuff. He does love football but it's not his strong suit, so even there it's easier for him to play with younger kids than other 15 year-olds. Don't they say there's a developmental delay in this kind of thing? i feel sometimes as if he's doing fine, just in some key things a good few years behind his peers. Sarah

Thanks ever so much, Mel. I don't know how to PM, but would be interested to find out a bit more about the social club for able teens that you mention. It's pretty likely that we will move. I'll be to-ing and fro-ing next year to Oxfordshire for work while my son and stepson do their gcses, but the chances are we'll move when they finish the year. all the best, Sarah

Hi Sash i'm not an expert so don't know if it's always part of aspergers, but my son is aspergers and he has often been very hard on himself too. he's 15 now and it's definitely eased off, but when he was small he used to punish himself by going in the basement or hitting himself on the head. it was horrible and like you I used to reassure himall the time but it didn't seem to help - not straightaway anyway. He used to think he deserved to be punished. The slightest telling off seemed to make him feel very ashamed, but again, like you, we were not hard on him. He's a gentle soul and never needed any harsh words really or serious telling off. I think he felt useless sometimes, frustrated about what he couldn't do . Sometimes his dyspraxia made him feel like he was bad at everything. Perhaps it's helped him that when reassuring him didn't seem to work, we said things like: 'I can see how bad you feel about it.' without rushing in to try and make him feel better. When he felt understood, it seemed to very gradually take the pressure off. When he feels like that now it passes very quickly, and he can start to see the funny side, but it's taken quite a while to ease off, and I certainly wouldn't have risked laughing with him about it when it was so intense. Do know where you're coming from, it's very painful to witness. all the best with it, Sarah

Thanks very much bard and faithnomore. I'll get in touch with OASIS - might even be good to get a bit involved early to prepare the ground for the move. really appreciate your help Sarah

Just seen this rather late in the day but yes I think 'spectrummy mummy' definitely fits. In someways. More obvious since re-marriage to non-spectrum type person, who behaves in seriously weird way - rushes to answer phone etc instead of ignoring it like a normal person. Happy to chat in street rather than hurry home looking the other way, that kind of thing. Ex and father of my children: yes I would say AS undiagnosed, all the familiar traits. preferred not to speak. Son 1: No. 200 numbers on his mobile phone, which he NEVER turns off. need I say more? Daughter: sparkly AS undiagnosed - room looks like aladdin's cave if aladdin went to primark and bought every brightly coloured thing he could find and sprinkled them all very thickly on floor and every surface, mixed in with drawings, jewellery and oh yes maths coursework. Son 2: yes. Chip off the old blockhead, but significantly more cuddly. 3 stepchildren: No, they take after their father & birth mother in seeming to want to see people and join in with things So that's us... kind of looks like there might be a genetic link in our family... Sarah

Hi everyone looks like we might be moving to oxfordshire next year, and wondered if anyone has any tips on ASD type stuff there for teenagers - groups, facilities, schools ( with sixth form ) etc. or just where's a good place to live!!! My son is going to be starting college/sixth form of some description then, although really not sure what kind of course he might do. he's brainy but v disorganised so I'm not sure if he'd cope with A levels, although he's not at all practical, in fact dyspraxic, so most vocational type alternatives are no good. I'm thinking ahead here; hope it doesn't seem too crazy because we've got the whole year 11 thing to get through yet where we are at the moment, but will probably move next summer and I want to do my homework now so that we look for a house in the right place. thanks very much Sarah

Just come back from ireland ourselves! Hope you had a lovely time - it was kind of wet when we were there but hey - it's ireland, that's how it got so green! We had a couple of days in Dublin and then went down to Kerry; really gorgeous. Sarah

Wow that's wonderful!!! Really thrilled for him! - and for you! love Sarah

Just wanted to add something along similar lines to bid's post. I know when I've lost it with my son it was when I was under too much pressure, and have to say, some of it was self-imposed. Could you both have the summer off? She's 5. She'll learn so much quicker if she goes at her own pace. I read something really good the other day about mourning the child we didn't have, and separating that from parenting the child we do have. She'll be who she is, and grow and flourish in her own way, which might be entirely unlike any other. i wonder if maybe there's a bit too much catching up going on? There's no deadline on learning - and anyway, none of us learn under pressure, least of all an ASD child, as we all know! This is not meant to be from the moral high ground -it's just my children are older now, and some of the things I stressed about when they were young I wish I hadn't. It's really important for our children too that now we're grown up we parent the needy child in ourselves. very sorry if there isn't much coming from people around you. Take care of yourself. Take whatever you need to feel relaxed and in charge. <'> all the best, Sarah

Hi karen, how amazing and wonderful! I didn't know schemes like that existed. Don't know if I'm allowed to ask, but which area are you in? Hope the success story continues Sarah

Hi everyone, not really got anything to add, just wanted to agree how hard it is sometimes when there's no-one to really share the full extent of it with. Thank goodness for this forum. It's a relief to hear how other people are getting through similar kind of things. ellisisamazing, you're doing great!<'> <'> Sarah

Hi Mel feel for you - must be kind of restricting, much as you love him. Don't suppose HE'D go to the shop if it's nearby, so YOU'RE the one waiting? Maybe that's unrealistic. All I can say is, I think you're doing the right thing by showing him that you do come back, he does survive the separation and so do you. And that's got to be good in the end, instead of endless words of reassurance but behaving as if it really isn't OK to separate for even moments. Think it's brilliant that you did it - much easier to go along with it in some ways - and brilliant that he did actually stand outside! Well done both of you! Interested to hear Pearl's comments about her son going to college. My lad is 15 and we did a test run for the bus to school recently. Together, but he suggested the next stage could be we walk to the bus stop together, he gets the bus and I meet him the other end. Which I thought was pretty brave. You'll get there, Mel. One day... Sarah

Hi Baddad Think it's great that you are so responsive and involved. I agree that it's too easy to blame dads all the time for not understanding. And AS dads have an awful lot of insight into it and can be very helpful indeed. And in my view women coping with ASD behaviour need loads of male support in setting boundaries etc and not being over-involved. But it might have been partly my fault about the ostrich thing - I think I did mention the ostrich position in response to one of lisa's posts. I do think it's a way of coping when things get too much, which AS people among others use. Fair enough, but it doesn't actually mean the problem's gone away, just because someone (let's say dad) 's not looking at it any more, and that means good old mum's got to see to it. Do you think that's fair? I suppose it's just as or more likely to be dad who cleans up in more practical ways, but in my experience - (big family, teacher of ebd kids) - it tends to be mum who does the emotional cleaning up, and maybe (dangerous territory) establishes the family culture too, prioritising what needs doing. Not that it's a contest of who does most (ho ho) best wishes Sarah

HI Lisa - it's such a balancing act, isn't it! You want him to get better at it for his own sake and have to manage his ostrich dad's input aswell - but don't want to drive him over the edge with frustration and make it all worse. Like some of the other repliers, I wonder whether doing it together helps - like the stories in the park. How about that consequences game, where you turn over the paper after each person's drawn ( written, eventually) a bit of a story? I used to read alternative pages of my son's reading book with him, and talk about it as we went along. He's 15 now, and still doesn't rush to the book shelves when he's got a spare hour, but he does read sometimes, even though the level of detail in a narrative can be confusing for him. thank God for harry Potter. Good luck Sarah

Hi Di, just wanted to say I hope you do get a statement for your son, as it ties the local authority to providing what he needs. Hope you have more luck than we did about the small groups; our school SENCO said that she would have to put my son into lower level groups because of the smaller numbers, and that's where the support assistants were. Maybe I should have fought this more, because I think he's underachieving now at 15, but it was a toss-up between smaller groups, or a more suitable level of work. It didn't seem possible to offer him both. And I suppose I thought it would take the pressure off him - he's at a mainstream school, which seemed like a tall order, especially in year 7. It's always such a compromise isn't it best wishes Sarah

PS Barefoot - does your son go out? have any friends? mind either way? Sarah

Thanks Caroline and barefoot. There is a group starting in sept in my area for kids with additional needs. Will go along & see whether there are other boys like my son, or even not like him but just friendly to him. He feels unconvinced that people who need a friendship club getting together will really work - 'won't they all find it as difficult as me?' but we'll give it a go. Sarah

Hi Lisa, I think the ostrich position is part of the problem. I now resort to'handling' my ex in the way I might handle my son. Terrible I know, because it's not treating him as an adult with full parental responsibility, but to be honest that just doesn't work. He would rather I was the one who made the decisions and the accommodations in my life and has chosen not to in his. And there's not much I can do to change that - heaven knows I spent long enough trying! (15 years) So now I do what I think my son needs, let my ex know, and try to get him on board but accept that any real action will be down to me. best of luck Sarah

Hi everyone, as I've mentioned before, I've got a son who's AS and dyspraxic. he really struggles with friends. Sometimes I think the dyspraxia gets in the way more than the Asperger's, but maybe not. he certainly does express himself in an old-fashioned way, which other boys find off-putting. Not because they don't like him, they just don't rate him as someone to impress or strike jokes off in the way that teenage boys do. I used to hate this, but I do realise it's hard for them. Anyway, it does mean that he hasn't really got any friends to do stuff with. I get the impression from some of the posts that this doesn't matter to some people with AS, but I think it does matter to my son. He has said he would like a friend, but he just doesn't know how you do it. And then there's girls Here I think it really might be the dyspraxia, because girls don't seem to mind him being old-fashioned, but he tends to have his clothes all over the place & back to front etc (I try to police it but hate to be always nagging him - he hates it and it belittles him). So doesn't tend to look all that together poor kid & they don't seem to take him seriously. he gets outshone by other cooler kids. I don't think he wants an actual real live girlfriend yet ( would prob be appalled) but is starting to notice them and go scarlet . He's growing up and wants to do stuff that he never did before - which is good, but he's got no-one to do it with and I don't know how to help. Any ideas? perhaps I should just back off and leave him to it? Sarah