Tally

Hi, and welcome. I am an adult with Asperger's. I was diagnosed about 6 years ago now. It can be difficult to get assessed for Asperger's, so you and your wife need to be sure this is what she wants before you can push for it. Depending how long you've been thinking and learning about Asperger's, seeking assessment may be a little way off yet. There is actually very little in the way of treatment or support available to adults with Asperger's. Asperger's itself cannot be treated or cured, but people with Asperger's can learn new skills. This really relies on the person recognising what their difficulties are, and learning about techniques that can help people with Asperger's from books or others with Asperger's. If there are also mental health issues then the professionals are sometimes able to offer more appropriate treatments if they understand that someone has Asperger's, but not always. I have a book called Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford, which I would recommend for both you and your wife to read. Aside from the obvious, it talks a lot about how Asperger's can present in adults, especially those with undiagnosed and unrecognised Asperger's, who have developed coping strategies, some more helpful than others. It's a book that could help you and your wife understand your differences and find ways to communicate better with each other. I would recommend you both learn as much about Asperger's as possible for now. Remember that no one with Asperger's has every symptom and trait, so just disregard anything that doesn't seem to be relevant to your situation. Even if it turns out your wife does not have Asperger's after all, anything that helps her learn better ways to cope with her difficulties can only be a good thing. Remember that people with Asperger's have difficulty understanding how they come across to others. Your wife's perception of what her difficulties are may be very different to the ones you see. I'm sure you will explain things gently, but remember that a lot of what you see may come as a shock to her. Does your wife also suspect she may have Asperger's? Does she have much understanding of what kinds of difficulties she has? Do you know of any groups locally where your wife could meet people with Asperger's?

I never knew there was a name for it! I get it when the doctor looks in my ears to see if I have an ear infection. I haven't had one for a very long time, but I used to get them a lot as a child and it made my head feel tingly when the doctor looked in my ears. It's a nice, relaxing feeling.

He texted me happy new year and said he'd phone on new year's day, so I thought there's no point replying to the text if I'm going to speak to him the following day. We never normally exchange new year texts anyway. I was in all new year's day and he didn't phone then. Now he's complained to my mum that I have been ignoring his texts and phone calls! I don't have an answerphone on my home phone so I can't tell whether he's phoned while I was out, and I have no missed calls on my mobile either. I'd quite like to speak to him and find out whether he's going to go on about the backache. I don't think he will because my mum's told him not to, but it would be nice to know and have a normal conversation. But as he's just moved house and bought a new mobile, I can't phone him anyway.

She phoned me at 8.30 I'm going round on Saturday to meet her. I think I'm in there. She has already offered me a good wage. She wants someone twice per week for 2 hours at a time, and she's very flexible about fitting it around my other job. I'm going to suggest Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. She sounds like a total nutter, but in a good way. I think they are just feral pigeons and doves that she feeds. She has a number with injuries that she keeps in her house, and the others get locked in an aviary and stable over night, which is what she wants cleaning. I get the impression she is quite elderly and either cannot manage or is too busy. I never used to like pigeons much until I started working at the wildlife rescue. They do have lovely little personalities. But yes, they do poo a lot, and my job is going to be scrubbing and scraping up their mess! It will be horrible in winter, but probably rather nice in the summer. It sounds like she has lots of staff to do odd jobs, so I might meet some of the others and make friends too.

She hasn't phoned back. She told me to phone back if she doesn't. But I don't know what time she was going to call back. She just said if it wasn't before 4, it wouldn't be until after 6, and it's still after 6 and I don't want to pester her if she was going to phone soon . . . Anyway, I think I will phone tomorrow if she doesn't phone back today. Making phone calls is really scary

You can find out what the different chemicals are on wikipedia.

Well done Sam

Hello, and welcome. You seem to have got the hang of posting There are always people who can help out if you get stuck with anything, so don't be afraid to ask. My own situation is very different to yours because I am an adult with Asperger's, but there are lots of other people here who have young children with autism. I'm sure they will come and say hello once they see your post. I hope you will feel less lonely once you settle in here.

I was very brave and phoned up a lady who keeps pet pigeons and doves, and needs someone to help twice a week with cleaning. I've been looking for a second job since I started my job in September because I need a little bit of extra money. Just hoping it will fit around my existing job. It will be even better if there is the flexibility to fit it around university too, as I will definitely have to give up my main job then and a bit of money would be helpful! She is looking for an animal lover, so I was able to tell her that I especially love cats and have a pet cat, and that I have been working at the wildlife rescue charity for 4 months now where I do a lot of work with pigeons. Someone came to her door so she had to go, but she's going to phone me back later today and I'll ask then if we can fit it around my existing job. Fingers crossed!

I always dread going back to work after a break. It's probably worse because you have been having some problems in work, and with the outsourcing before Christmas it's quite a long break from your usual job. I hope things have been OK today.

Hello, and welcome. It's definitely fine for you to post here. There is very little formal support available for adults with autism anyway, so a diagnosis wouldn't really help you much in that regard. If self-help techniques designed for people with autism help you, then you don't need a diagnosis to use them. You can just pick and choose what seems relevant to yourself and try things out. Additionally, anything that's helped you with certain situations may well be useful to people in similar situations. But if you need a diagnosis to get things like adjustments in the workplace or as evidence for applying for disability benefits, then it could be worth investigating. It all depends on your situation really.

My mum was impressed with my first draft of my personal statement, but it was 50% under the maximum word count and she suggested some other things I could mention. So I added them and my second draft was 50% over the maximum word count So I've stripped it back as much as possible and it's now only 3 lines over, my mum is going to have a go at cutting out a little bit more. I thought it made most sense to still mention everything, but in less detail, so that they are aware of everything. I will have the opportunity to go into more detail at interview (I will definitely have to interview), and they will know about the restricted space on the application form. I haven't mentioned that I have ME or Asperger's, but I have said that I've taken an informal interest in autism and that I am the secretary of the autism special interest group of Mensa. I think I'll only tell them at interview if they specifically ask why I am interested in autism. Otherwise I'll just talk about one of the career options I'm considering, which is to teach animal care skills to disabled adults at a city farm.

I think this is very much a part of Asperger's. It's difficult for people with Asperger's to anticipate what another person's feelings may be, which can make it difficult for us to respect them. It can also be difficult for us to recognise and verbalise our own feelings, which means we can't communicate them clearly to others. I don't think it's something that will ever completely go away, but it is something you can get better at. Unfortunately, the only way to improve is through practice, and if you shy away from saying anything you're not going to get that practice. I do understand why you prefer not to say anything, I am exactly the same. But if you do practice, you can build up your confidence a little every time you do get it right. Interestingly, I did email my uncle along the lines suggested by rannoch, and it only inflamed the situation. Some people simply want to be offended and nothing you say will ever be acceptable to them. Not all misunderstandings are your fault.

No, you definitely do not get to see your references. Your referee is not allowed to mention any disabilities unless you give them permission to do so, although I don't know how you'd ever know since you're not allowed to see the reference! But I think the person I've asked is supportive of what I want to study and wouldn't say anything bad. It's too late to worry about whether she will see it now, because she told me today she's received the email asking her to write the reference. She just hasn't had time to look any further yet, which I expected anyway. I'm not too worried, I think she is the kind of person who will be OK about it. I'm pretty sure they ask the referee to look over it and confirm it is accurate to their knowledge, so she must be able to see it. I panicked a bit but I'm not too worried about that now. I'll probably find out next week anyway. I've been researching on the internet about mentioning disabilities in personal statements and the general advice seems to be to mention them. But then they give examples of how the disability has made you passionate about the subject, for example, wanting to study engineering as needing to use a wheelchair has made them passionate about a career in designing wheelchairs. Or how they have overcome a disability resulting from an accident. Whereas I can't really say anything like that about my disabilities. The only thing I haven't really mentioned is the reason for the long gap between finishing school and deciding to study, but that's nothing to do with my disabilities. But I think I can talk about how it's taken me a while to decide what I want to do, but now I have I don't feel I have time to waste, I think I can word that in a way that makes me sound dedicated to the course and to a career afterwards (they love to be able to say what ex-students have gone on to do). It's not just something I just fancy doing because I don't know what else to do. So at the moment I think it's best not to mention it (other than the specific question they ask on the form) in my personal statament, nor bring it up at interview, just be prepared in case they ask me about it. And then if they offer me a place I can ask about support then. To be honest, I'm not even sure what kind of support I might need as I never had any in school. The kinds of things that have been suggested to me aren't the kind of things I would need, like a note-taker, I am pretty good at taking notes. My only major concern is travelling there. Public transport would mean a mile walk, train (what if I can't find a seat?), bus (seat issues again), and another mile and a half walk, which I don't think I can manage either. I find driving really tiring, but I think it's going to be my best choice, and I could arrive early to avoid the rush hour, I think classes finish early enough to avoid it in the afternoons. And at least I will be assured of a seat. I just need to be assured of finding a parking space, but I don't even know if that's going to be a problem. I might do a recce once term starts in January and see if there are many spaces left. Anyway, I've managed to cobble together a first draft of my personal statement which my mum is looking over now. She was a teacher until recently and helped her students write theirs, so she knows what she's doing. I can't find anything online about the subject I want to study because it's a bit unusual so I think I'm going to have to go for the "interesting and different" approach anyway. Hopefully it will be less rambling than this post!

I don't think I have a single pair of plain black socks, mine are all a bit . . . colourful. My ex used to wear plain socks in varying shades of black/grey/navy. Fortunately he was not too fussed about them matching exactly, I just went with my best guess. Personally, unless they are your own socks, I would recommend leaving them for the owner to pair up themselves.

Welcome back

There has been a delay in approving your posts over the past two days as the moderators were busy with their families on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I have approved them now.

Well I thought he had behaved himself on Christmas day but my mum is really annoyed with him about being in such a bad mood and not participating, which I didn't really notice. He was asleep most of the time I wasn't in the kitchen. He really has driven my mum up the wall in the couple of days he stayed with her, and he's going back to my parents' house for a few more days before he goes home, so that will be . . . interesting. I don't know how my grandparents are coping with him at their house. They would never say if there was any problem anway. He's going home on 30th and I'm not seeing him before then, so I guess it will be the new year before I get any more little surprises in my inbox. My dad says I can tell him to P off after Christmas, and from what he's said to my mum, he's not about to let this one drop. Lucky me

Does my referee get to see my whole application? Only I've mentioned having Asperger's and ME in the question about disability and I would prefer her not to know. I don't mind too much but I want to know whether or not she's going to see that bit! Should I mention anything about it in the personal statement? And should I say anything about losing my brother this year? I don't feel it's at all relevant to my choice of subject and I don't really want to claim I've overcome some kind of hardship or anything like that. Presumably any support needs can be discussed directly with the university or the DSA assessor. Is it really bad to talk about your cat in your personal statement? She is, after all, the reason I first became interested in animal behaviour, which is what I want to study.

I can't believe this is still going on! Because I wouldn't answer the phone to him, he's talked it over at length with my mum on the phone. He also talked about it with her in person for several hours yesterday. He's still extremely hurt, and still wants to discuss his feelings with me. My mum has told him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to discuss this over Christmas and he did behave himself today. But it's probably all going to blow up again after Christmas. He told my mum I've been talking about him with others of our relatives and friends, but I've only talked about it with my parents and people who don't know him. I don't know why he's blowing it up out of all proportion and trying to make out I have done all these things wrong. He misunderstood and over-reacted, no one else did, so I really don't think it can be my fault. He's also told my mum he thinks he has Asperger Syndrome, which we've all been trying to tell him for a long time. He's really upset about this too. I hope he doesn't try to use it as an excuse for what he's done because I won't be very sympathetic if he does.

I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. What I'm mostly worried about is the signals he is giving off, including to the girl, that there is more going on than there really is. This is the part which I feel is inappropriate. He has never wanted to marry, needs a lot of privacy and time to himself, would much prefer to stay in alone with his inflatable dalek than have a serious relationship, and would not move away from his parents or job for any woman. (The girl is moving to Wales with her family and going to university there next year.) It's possible he may change his mind when he meets the right person, but I see nothing that makes me believe this is any different to any previous relationships, which he's always walked away from in favour of spending time alone. He keeps complaining that he doesn't get any time to himself. I really don't see any evidence they are going to live happily ever after. I'm mostly worried that the way he treats her and accepts expensive gifts from her could look like he has led her on, and people may judge him negatively for that. Because he is very immature and socially unaware, I don't think he realises that, to an outsider, he may look like an older man who has persuaded a young girl to buy him expensive gifts. They don't know that his mum does his washing and cleans his flat and he can't even boil an egg, they just see a middle-aged shop manager.

I do think you need to keep taking him to family events because he does need to learn how to cope with them and other stressful situations. He doesn't necessarily need to enjoy them, but he does need to cope with them. But I think you also need to help him learn the skills. Most young children would find something like eating in a restaurant difficult, but they naturally learn as they get older how to behave. In ASD this learning does not always happen naturally. If it's a case of not knowing how to behave, social stories might be helpful for teaching him how people behave in a restaurant. If it's to do with becoming overwhelmed, you might look at coping strategies such as wearing noise-cancelling headphones, things to distract him, taking him outside for short breaks before he becomes overwhelmed (Lynden's idea of taking a carer so you can stay and enjoy is a good one). If you can get an understanding of what exactly are the difficult aspects, it will help you with this.

I wouldn't tell them whether or not I "approved" of the relationship, but I've thought about trying to explain to my boss how it might look and how other people might judge him negatively. And how being subjected to them hugging and gazing longingly into each other's eyes puts me right off my lunch.

She is 18, but she has never had a boyfriend before and it just looks very wrong to see them together even though I know it's not illegal. Other people who see them together seem to feel the same. I don't think he'd knowingly take advantage of anyone, but by accepting the expensive gifts it might look as if he is. It's probably more the other way around with the constant phone calls, but if it goes wrong it's him who's going to look bad. He did actually ask her family to stop buying him gifts because he could not afford to reciprocate, but they've carried on anyway. I was really surprised when he accepted the mobile phone because I knew he was already uncomfortable with the gifts. He does not own the business, he is employed as the shop manager. But I really wouldn't want to go behind his back and approach the big boss about it.

I'm not sure what that means, but I would guess it does mean they think ADHD is a possibility. I think you should try and get an appointment with your GP or the doctor who assessed you to find out exactly what this all means for you. They should explain all the terminology they have used so that you understand what's going on.