Worried about M..

[smiley]

Hi guys.

 

My little lad isn't doing so great.

He has had lots to deal with (and is still dealing with..), but his behaviour over the weekend and this week is frightening me

 

He seems to be loosing the ability to talk - he will pull me to something or sign it. He can sometimes get like this if he's feeling stressy - but it normally doesn't last anymore than a few hours - nevermind several days. Normally, i can say to him 'can you use your words please' and he'll speek. If i ask him now - he scratches his face .

 

He's rocking and flapping his hands infront of his face & ears alot. He needs me to put on his shoes, show him how to hold a fork etc..

 

Today, after school, i took him to the playpark. He's used to being there - normally loves it - and it was quiet/not crowded. I watched him flap/spin in the middle of the play area - he didn't seem at all upset or worried - infact, he seemed to be quite relaxed, and enjoying himself. Then he wet himself - and didn't appear to notice. He been dry throughout the day since around 2, and hasn't had any accidents at all since. After a minute or two, he noticed and was very, very upset.

 

At school he's been fine - talking, co-operating etc. Few blips on the first day, but the school and his fantastic 1-2-1 dealt with him without a problem.

 

What do i do? I know it's a reaction to all he's had to cope with recently, but i don't know how to help him. Sad mummy

[forbsay]

firstly sending you both lots of hugs <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Does your son have a favourite toy,dvd or something (favourite pictures) that he takes comfort from? I noticed that you were saying that he has alot to deal with at the moment - this could be a reaction to all these things and he is dealing with this in the way that he knows how to......... (don't know if that makes sense what I am trying to say)

 

Take care

 

Forbsay

[JsMum]

Hi Smiley I think a lot of it is really a reaction of stress and change with school, I know with J he doesnt always feel confortable sharing the communial toilets and can go a while with out going, he is usually dancing and running to the loo at home after school, it could be that he was just soo much in his own little world he hasnt realised that he needed the toilet, so this hopefully is just a one off thing and not to be certain that he will repeat todays little accident..

 

I know it has been a very humid warm day today too, and this can affect a lot of children with ASD, weather changes are just as bad as the school changes.

 

I would share with the school that he ceases conversations once at home, and that your concerned as you understand that it is different at school, and share the worries with Ms doctor just so its shared with other people, and keep a diary for a few weeks.

 

Does he like swimming and water? I am asking because for J this actitivy really reduces Js anxieties, and he goes after school for around 45 mins.

 

I reallly do hope that he improves soon, sending you both some of these,. <'> <'> <'>

 

JsMum

Edited September 6, 2007 by JsMum

[Clare63]

Oh Smiley,

This must be very worrying and scary for you, I believe the others are right it is a reaction to what he has been dealing with and even though you say things are going well, our children are very good at masking how they feel out in public then resort to what seems like babyish behaviour when at home and when people are not looking. Even though my son is 12 these things still happen for us, he has wet himself coming out of school just at the sheer relief of coming home, sometimes he can't function doing simple tasks like say brushing his teeth he just stands there and say I can't remember what to do and then I have to talk him through step by step. Don't really have any advice, but suggest you keep things as normal to routine as you can and reduce increasing his senses, ie keep lights low and TV fairly quiet etc.

Take care hun, I am sure it will sort it self out, but obviously if it gets worse take it further.

 

Clare x x x

[Kathryn]

Smiley,

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

It sounds as though coping with school is taking up all his available resources, leaving him with nothing left when he gets home. I always liked L's analogy of coping with school - like running 20 computer programmes at once. When the system gets overloaded some of them have to shut down.

 

We sometimes still see the loss of language with L when she is under pressure, and for her I guess it's just another "programme". As a parent it's hard to watch an apparent deterioration in skills, but they do come back again, I've learned.

 

I agree with what others have said, keep the pressure off at home, let him do his rocking and flapping and any other comfort rituals he needs, and monitor how school is going. I hope as the term goes on, things will get better.

 

K x

[Frangipani]

Hi Smiley <'> <'>

 

This sounds all so familiar. He needs lots of love and reassurance. Be patient - make it easy for him.

 

I thik you mentioned that you just moved house too. That is a huge adjustment. Starting school. Wow poor little M's head is overloaded.

 

Can you arrange a meeting with his teacher or write a letter about yours worries and the house move. They can be very accomodating. Perhaps some social stories. Sensory things to help him chill out. A good one is gentle mozart music and paper and coloured pencils, does he have a little corner set up for creative play. Even squishy playdough, all colours pop it though a garlic press makes coloured spagetti. Make bubbles. Hope this helps - or snuggled up with a funny movie.

 

 

Lots of hugs to you both <'> does he have a cuddly teddy, never too old for one of those.

 

<'>

Fxx

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

i think u need to go with his flow

and he will gradually cope in his own way

can u remove some of the stresses??

thinkin of u both loads

x

[hev]

smiley <'> <'> just wanted to echo what others have said <'> <'>

[NikkiSmith]

Oh Smiley <'> <'> <'>

 

How do you mange to put such a flippin' brave face on all the time?

 

I don't know what else to say, but I am here if there's anything I can do to help.

 

 

Nikki.

will go e-mail you too.

[forbsay]

Hi Smiley

 

How was your little boy today?

 

Forbsay

[baddad]

Hiya smiler - <'>

 

Difficult, I know, but as Lya (POF) said, try to go with the flow...

Not sure if it's helpful right now, but one thing i've regularly seen with Ben and many other kids is this sort of 'backward step' before a major jump forward. Often it seems as though loads of other stuff has to shut down while the prosessor concentrates on a bigger problem. When they've made some sense of that, the other stuff comes back up to speed...

Hope that's what's going on here, and that whether it is or isn't the current stresses evaporate soon.

 

L&P

 

BD

[smiley]

I'm lucky to have you lot - thank you all <'>

 

I bought some bubble wrap flour, salt, cream of tartar, etc, to make playdough...

And we've made a verrry big mess in the lounge (thank god for laminate flooring!).

 

He's still not right - but had the biggest grin when he was rolling in the bubble wrap (you gotta love the stuff!). Kept things quiet and calm. He kept pulling me next to him (we we're both sitting on the floor), and then would sit with his back to me, leaning on my leg - every now and then he'd pull my hand onto his face and kiss it . He's snoozing now, and looks just gorgeous .

 

I've spoken to school, so they're aware - and have been really supportive.

 

<'>

[forbsay]

Oh what a wee darling.

[forbsay]

Oh what a wee darling.

[forbsay]

Oh what a wee darling.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

I'm lucky to have you lot - thank you all <'>

 

I bought some bubble wrap flour, salt, cream of tartar, etc, to make playdough...

And we've made a verrry big mess in the lounge (thank god for laminate flooring!).

 

 

 

<'>

 

 

have u tried cornflour and water, that is soooo cool

hope u guys are a wee bit better today

lvs

x

[annie]

Hi Smiley <'> ,

 

Hope things settle down quickly.

 

Annie

xx

[smiley]

 

I've just been into school......... M's been running out of the grounds, in tears, threatening to hit people

 

I'm furious with the new head (just started this term, only temp thank god!). He said M was rude, nasty, has no social grace (!!!!!!! ). He seems to have an opinion of him before he's even got to know him . He mentioned five times that M 'decides to leave my assembly' and goes to the library....... M has always done this, is no bother, sneaks out quietly and tells his 121... normally sits just inside the door of the library - and listens to the assembly . This has never, ever been a problem. But this flippin' head kept going on and on about it. He has such venom in his voice you'd have though i had the devils child . He said that M refused to come in from playtime...... Again, it happens - but the staff and 121 are fab - and deal with it quickly and with little fuss. Head told me he bent down and stared at M - gave M 'several options, at least four....' - and had to 'even raise my voice' because he wouldn't listen . M then began to scratch his face - Head apparently said 'you carry on M, you're not hurting me'.

He had no idea M has a statement - didn't know about his other dx's - said 'I've met other children with Aspergers, but M is by far the worst i've met'......

 

Can't type anymore - i'm so furious - can't stop crying.

 

Horrible horrible horrible person.

[Bagpuss]

Awful, truly awful....thinking of you <'>

[Suze]

What a blinkin t*ss pot .Jeez Smiley I,m fuming for you! !!!..............I,d approach this with as much grace and dignity as you can muster without poking him in the eye.!!...............has he read his statement yet??.........if not could you get the senco or 1-2-1 to give him a copy.Surely the staff should have told this head the stratergies that work !!..............GGRRR!...........This might explain your sons current anxieties.Big hugs to you and your lad <'> <'> .Suzexx.

[oxgirl]

Smiley, my mouth dropped open reading your post!! I can't believe this man's behaviour, how dare he make judgements about your lad when he doesn't know the facts, what an idiot!! He needs to talk to the people who know him, i.e. you, 1-2-1 and teacher before he opens his big trap again!!

 

~ Mel ~

[hev]

oh smiley i would be crying to,what an old b that head is,i hate him and ive never met the bloke,thats just awful

[UltraMum]

<'> >< <'> >< <'> >< <'> >< <'> ><

 

What an idiot - who gave him the job? Put something in writing to the head regarding your concern about his lack of understanding of your son.

 

Along the lines of ...

 

Dear Idiot Head oops!

 

Thank you for bringing to my awareness your concerns about my son's behaviour today. This ties in with my own concern that he has been under a considerable amount of stress since the beginning of term, leading to a loss of verbal behaviour and regression in his condition in the home environment. This can often occur to children with M's condition when there are extra stressors placed on them in an environment.

 

I understand that you are new to the school but would ask that you could familiarise yourself with his Statement of Special Educational Needs. I should also appreciate it if you could consult with the staff who know and understand M's needs as I feel that there may have been some misunderstanding of his actions and consequently some mishandling of the situation.

 

Thank you

Smiley

 

If there's no visible improvement then write to the governors

[smiley]

Thank you everyone <'>

Thank you UM and C for calling, really, really good to hear from friends who know what i'm on about! <'> <'>

 

M's had a chilled out evening. No matter what has happened the day before - he always goes bouncing and smiling into school the next day - he was saying he doesn't want to go to school now..... . I'm furious that the head has done this to him - god help the man if it's perminent... . I'm very, very chilled out by nature (bit too much normally! ) but............ Mother nature's great eh... mummy on the warpath.. . Run out of tears now look like i've gone a few rounds with tyson , i'm utterly shattered.

 

And to think my counsellor n liver/kidney bloke keep saying 'avoid stress' .

 

Hmmmmmmmm

 

I've asked Head to go through M's huuuuge stack of paperwork, contact AOW (who i know is due in on Friday...), OT, SaLT, EP, Pychiatrist.. - and then get back to me. I've also given him the name and number of the *&%$�*&^ LEA man who was so unhelpful when i went through the statementing process..... . (121, teacher etc, all fuming too.)

 

Stoopid ignorant person

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

go warpath mummi

i hope u can get m into school tomoz

beginning to think we need an island for our kids, week 2 and most are falling apart

x

[Eva]

Hi Smiley,

 

I'm really sorry to hear what's going on at school. The head sounds like an absolute tool. I'm currently on the warpath too with my son's school - it's hard being confronting if you're not a confrontational person isn't it. Here are lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> .'

 

Eva

[smiley]

*sigh*

 

No phone calls today, but..

 

Home school book is very grim reading.

M ran from school at around 10. And wasn't settled again until 2.30

He's being very verbally and physically abusive to anyone who gets in his way. Has taken more than one member of staff all day to keep him from either running or hurting someone. Poor 121 looked shattered.

 

What to do now?

I'm i'm brutally honest - my first reaction is to tell him off. He does have 'bad' days at school, no doubt about it - but today it's been more 'intentional' (not the right word i know - but can't think of how to explain..). He's threatened to hurt people - tried to attack his 121 - threatened to run - shouted abuse at people. So out of character.

When we got home i asked him why he had a difficult day. He told me to shut up

 

I know he's stressed up to the eyeballs and that's why - but how do i help him?

 

This can't carry on - they're threatening to expel him. And i don't blame them.

 

[smiley]

Hmmmmmmmmmm just a thought - what do you lot think....

 

Should i request a review of M's stat? It was completed in Sept/oct of last year. Since then he's had some new dx's thrown in, and is clearly struggling.................... ?????

[UltraMum]

You can ask for an urgent review, over and above the annual review process ... I'll toddle off and find the official gumph on this and let you know.

[UltraMum]

Here we go: Code of Practice ...

 

Interim Reviews

9:44 Where a school identifies a pupil with a statement of special educational needs who is at

serious risk of disaffection or exclusion, an interim or early review should be called. It will

then be possible to consider the pupil?s changing needs and recommend amendments to

the statement, as an alternative to the pupil being excluded.

[smiley]

<'> <'>

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

sorry was gona reply earlier, but it bad here too

how can they exclude him soo suddenly?

yes they now need to take the new diag into account,

and the school need to step back a wee bit and see what is setting him off

the old abc rubbish that none of them seem to know about

take care hunny

and give m hugs from me, via u

xxx

[UltraMum]

IPSEA cover this one!!!

 

http://www.ipsea.org.uk/sevenfixes.htm#EarlyReview

[Kathryn]

Smiley

 

I've been reading this thread with mounting dismay so I can only imagine what you must be feeling.

 

I think a review is a good idea: something has to be done, and fast.

 

<'> <'> for you and M.

 

K x

[hev]

smiley <'> <'> <'>

[bid]

<'>

 

Bidx

[Bagpuss]

Huge hugs to you both Smiley <'> <'> <'>

[baddad]

Hiya smiler -

 

I don't think there's anything i can really add, so i'll just add <'> <'>

 

Other than that, i think i can only offer 'granny suck eggs' advice (sorry mumble! that one means I can only tell her what she already knows/practices in leiu of anything more helpful!) to say if everything else is topsy turvy at the mo it's doubly important for you and him to be the same as always... try not to let his hurt effect you too much (impossible i know, but...)

 

L&P

 

BD

[wishingwell]

Reading this made me very . The new Head's idea of pulling your son into line have created bigger problems for your son. It's heart breaking leaving them in school with this going on. Seen this happen before.

You have received some good replies, forget about trying to talk to this fool, start a paper chain and bombard him with letters about all your concerns since the new school year started. Make him accountable for everything he has done and said. Keep all letters and inform him you are arranging for your son to have specialist advice on why things are escalating out of control. This will make him think! UM's letter is a good starting point, write asking for an urgent review and send a copy to the LEA. Be careful of what you say to other members of staff and use your gut instinct. Things will improve when the Head learns how important it is to have a full understanding of your son. But you will never like this person and nether will M.

The summer break is tire-some but school is a nightmare.

 

Sending you and M <'> <'>

[smiley]

You've set me off again!

 

<'>

 

Donna Williams couldn't have come at a better time.......... (went to see her last night..).

 

Anyhow - feeling a little embarrased by my reaction to M - i know i shouldn't be getting cross with him too . Only human eh.. Wanted to share this with you.... After 40 mins or so after school M had chilled out a little. He wandered over to me, picked up my hand and put it on his head. He said 'I've been silly at school - can you ground me please - i promise to play in my room' I've never 'grounded' him - so i was a bit baffled. He kept saying please mum, so i said ok and told him i loved him lots . He said 'Yippppeeeee!' and skuttled off to his room, and played very very happily (spinning bits of thread, stacking puzzle pieces etc) for a couple of hours. My kooky kid

 

Right - letter to Head (cc'd to Govs') is drafted, will hand it over when i collect M later.

 

<'> Thank you <'>