feeling so bad and worrying about Kai

[loulou]

Hi,

 

Well, I managed to tell Kai on Friday that he wouldn't be coming home this weekend. He cried and cried, it was the worst thing i've ever had to do. His class teacher was in the room and she was lovely. He said he understood, but to be honest i don't think he did.

 

I sent his mobile phone with him, which now i'm wondering whether that was a mistake. He keeps phoning me and sending me texts saying "Take me home" and "I hate it here". I feel terrible and i haven't slept for the last 2 nights so i'm not thinking straight at all. I drove down to my sisters last night so she's been looking after me. I feel numb.

 

Earlier i told him he HAD to stay there all weekend. He said he was going to smash his phone up and then the phone just went dead. I haven't heard anything since. Now i don't know whether to call the foster carer or just leave it. I'm sure she'll call me if there's a problem. I phoned her last night and she said he'd been crying a bit but had eaten and had talked to her quite a bit. She sounds very caring and she's been fostering for 20 years, so i'm sure she's used to it.

 

I don't know if he's playing me up to make me feel bad, or if he's really unhappy. I suppose ANY child would feel home sick in a strangers house. I have never felt so confused and torn in my life. Part of me wants to go and get him and hold him like a baby, the other half of me knows this is the only option.

 

This is all like a terrible dream i wish i could wake up from.

 

Sorry if i've upset anyone by sharing my troubles. I don't know what i'd do without this forum. Thanks for all the hugs,

 

Loulou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ScienceGeek]

You are going through a tough time at the moment. I can't see why your post would upset anyone. Sending lots of <'>

[Flora]

Hi Loulou <'>

 

I really do think that under the circumstances you've done absolutely the right thing.

 

I don't know if he's playing me up to make me feel bad, or if he's really unhappy

 

I think it's highly likely that there's 6 of 1 and half dozen of the other. He feels unhappy about not coming home, and he wants to make you feel bad... that's a perfectly normal reaction.

 

I think whatever you decide to do next, it's really important that the message is repeated however many times it takes for it to sink in, that the reason that Kai has had to stay with a foster carer is the result of his own actions; in fact if anyone has control over what happens next it's him, because he is the only person who can eventually take some control over his behaviour... How he gets to that stage depends on the cause of his anger and aggression and it seems very likely that he will need a lot of help to get there from a variety of people. It won't be a quick fix, but it's a necessary one for his sake and for you and your whole family.

 

The worst part is over, ie, the decision and taking the first steps. The rest is going to be hard work but hopefully now you've taken those first steps things will never be this bad again.

 

Best wishes

 

Flora XX

ps... Edited to add..... There is no reason why you could upset anyone by pouring your heart out over this experience. Keep posting if it helps loulou... xxxxxxxxxx

Edited September 20, 2008 by Flora

[tjw]

hi loulou

im so sorry you are all having to go through this a the moment i have no words of wisdom but would like you to know that i am thinking of you and your family at this realy bad time in your life, i would love to give you all a big fat hug <'> <'>

love

theresa x

[single autie mum]

loulou what a difficult time glad youve got your sister to take care of you no matter how much we love and worry about our kids we have to think of ourselves as well try not to worry i know its easier said than done take care <'> <'>

[pearl]

Thinking of you. <'>

[Enid]

Loulou, if anyone knows how you feel right now its me. When I took my sons clothes to the respite centre, he clung on to me and begged me to take him home, he had to be restrained every time I visited him and it was nearing the time to leave. He smased his phone on the 3rd day cos I didnt answer immediately when he rang endlessly, he then used centre phone to ring, he used to ring for up to an hour at a time in the evening begging and crying, it nearly destroyed me. After a week he started behaving like he does at home, I was glad, as they were all saying what a lovely polite boy he is, one doctor once said to me when the police had taken him away one night, how could you be scared of him, he`s only 12, I could have hit her. When he started "going off on one" at the respite, they applied to have extra staff on and if he had been raging more than an hour they used to get a doctor to sedate him! yet when I was struggling at home with 3 others they wouldnt even come out for me. There are no easy answers, you are just doing the best you can for all your kids, I used to feel guilty and cry all the way home and then when I got in the relief of him not being there was immense and that made me cry again, and when my then 5 yr old said, we can go anywhere in the house now and not worry about it, I howled. day at a time Loulou, I worked loads of hours to take my mind off it, even 10 mins when you are not thinking/worrying helps. Try to sleep cos thats a time you cant think!! and you feel so much better the next day. phone the foster carer when hes in bed to put your mind at rest, I used to phone all the time. thinking of you and yours. much love. Enid

[sandyn]

Hi, I don't post much, but I do read posts.

 

I have never been in this situation, but I think you are such a brave, and incredibly caring lady. Emotionally - you must be going to hell and back at the moment. Im glad you have the support of you sister, which much be comforting.

 

Take care, love

sandra xx

[Cat]

Hard as it is I think that you have to stick with this now. Nothing will change by bringing Kia home now he needs help, they need to see that he does need this help. As Enid said within a week her son was kicking off in the same way he did at home. They need to either see this or find out why Kia is acting as he is for you. Glad your sister is taking care of you. Stay strong loulou you have to be for everyone's sake <'>

 

Cat

[Marion]

Loulou, still quite new here but wanted to say how much I feel for you, can tell that Kai is your absolute first priority it must be so hard to do what u know is right, thinking of you, <'> marion

[JsMum]

Hi Lou Lou, Been thinking about you this week end, and Kia, and wondering how your both coping,

 

it sounds like things are really hard.

 

Kia is very angry and upset,

 

I think the phone thing might be because he knows you may worry now, because he has broken his only communication between you both,

 

he is probably understanding more than you think.

 

probably thinking its all his fault, when clearly its not, if he were in the right school and you had the support at home it wouldnt of got to having to be apart to survive.

 

Right now your protecting him just as you did when he was a baby, problem is that baby isnt tiny and fragile anymore,

 

Kia stomping in his size 6 boots and wont bear to be held when he is angry at the world,

 

my J has a big issue with control, and if he hasnt got any his behaviour can go extream, mainly distructive,

 

I wonder if your Kia is feeling that lack of control at the moment because you have taken the control of the situation and Kia got angry and has damaged his phone to gain it back?

 

Kia might know you more than you realise,

 

Deep down if you can NOT contact him and his last words were I hate it here, Kia knows deep down you may just run back and rescue him,

 

but if you do, its giving him the control back.

 

It may be his behaviour in a few days time goes back to him threatening your lives, though this time someone may indeed not survive and the wrong person was rescued.

 

You had no choice in what the situation has come to, None,

 

The way Kia is behaving right now is he is using the loss of all contact to draw you in, he wants to be back in charge,

 

right now you are safe and been cared for by your sister, and Kia is safe and been looked after by his fostermother, that is the best outcone in light of the situation of last week. so as painful it is to be seperated its positive as your both safe.

 

Until things have been properly assessed and you can manage Kia's violent behaviour I would say that the most important thing that happens is what has happened tonight, that your all safe.

 

Hope that you see that Kia needs to be kept safe too, just as much as your family and you.

 

So you are doing what is right, I would use this time to restore yourself, and get the family strong again so that when things are in place Kia can return to your home then it has a chance of family life not one that brings fear and risks.

 

I admire all your courage and honesty and honoured to share your life, you know were here wanting whats best for all your family.

 

Sweet dreams, Says me at 2 in the morning, but honestly I do wish you some zzzzs to help you recover from this emotional journey, your strong LouLou you can get throw this. <'>

 

TLC JsMum

Edited September 21, 2008 by JsMum

[joybed]

Hi Lou Lou dont really know what to say other than i am thinking of you at this difficult time and you are absolutely doing the right thing. I only hope I could be as brave as you at times like this. Sending you big <'> and look after yourself.

[NickyB]

Loulou I don't really know what to say

I can't imagine what you're going through but you know you have done the right thing for all of you.

 

Thinking of you <'> <'> <'> <'>

[lorryw]

Hi Lou

Just cling on to the fact that at the moment you are all safe, you, Kai , your little one and your unborn baby. You all desperately need professional and reliable support. I know you have been through so much nonsense over the years and have been let down left right and centre and it makes my blood boil.

Try and stay calm (easy for me to say) and let your sister fuss over you. You need TLC by the bucket full. If you lived nearby Id have my coat on and be on my way now.

Love Loraine xx

[mossgrove]

<'> >< <'>

 

This must be a horrible experience for you all. I understand where the feelings of guilt come from but keeping things as they were was not an option. Finally, it looks as all the agencies involved will have to stop pretending everything is OK.

 

Simon

[cmuir]

Hi

 

You're bound the worry about him. You have to put your trust in the foster carer - she's obviously experienced and has shown you she's a caring person. Kai will be out of his comfort zone and may be using tactics which pull at your heart strings in the hope he can come home. What would that achieve if he were to come home? You'd all be back at square one with nothing gained. Kai isn't old enough to really understand that you need a break and in the long run this might do you all some good. Hang in there, it can't be easy.

 

Caroline

[bikemad]

<'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Just wanted to send you a hug <'> <'>

 

You know you are doing this for his long term benefit and for that of your family, stay strong Lou <'> . I remember when my son went for a 3 day visit at a resi school, the 1st night he was ok the 2nd he was on the phone to me crying and screaming, it was heartbreaking as he was asking me to go and get him, I really was torn, in-between chatting to him on the phone I called a freind she remineded me that if I went and got him, bear in mind he was 3 hrs drive away I would achieve nothing, he would always know that when he kicks and screams he could get his own way, he was pulling at my heart strings the same as kai is with you now.

 

The worst bit was when he kept calling me back and I could hear him in the background smashing up their phone, I was so scraed he would be restrained which would cause him more upset but the staff knew what they were doing and they got an older, responsible child to go sit with him in his room which calmed him. It really was a horrible experience but he learnt that night and the next that there are some places he will go, that even if he kicks and screams he couldn't get his own way. When I did go to collect him I was nearly crying, all the children were saying goodbye to him and had drew him goodbye pictures, in some ways he was sad to be leaving the boys but also glad to be coming home.

 

Sometimes with our children we have to be really tough for their benefit and they do have to learn a hard way sometimes but you need to remember you are doing this for his welfare and that of your younger child and un born baby, things couldn't of continued the way they were and you had exhausted all avenues, Take care Lou <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Hi Loulou,

I can only guess at the heartbreak you're going through. <'> <'> Try and hold onto the fact that you know you can't have gone on as you were, something had to happen to change the situation and now you have made that happen. It's really good that you trust the foster mother and that Kai is talking to her. Of course he'll be upset and probably express this to you as anger and that's awful for you. The foster mother will constantly be reassuring Kai that you love him and he'll come through this and so will you. Try and hold onto the thought that things will get better. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[mandyque]

Just wanted to add some words of support, you have put up with more than anyone ever should, you had no other choice but to do this for the safety of yourself and your other children. He is safe and cared for, no matter what emotional stuff he is throwing at you, 20 years experience is enough proof to know that he has a good, reliable and caring foster carer and I bet he is enjoying the one to one attention more than he'll ever let on to you!

[bid]

Hi Loulou <'>

 

I think the thing to try and hold onto here is the fact that you are doing this to build a better future for all of your family. Things had reached crisis point, and you needed an emergency solution...which is the first step towards a better place for all of you.

 

The foster parents will be fully experienced in situations like this, and I would be guided by them...they will have both the compassion and the skills for helping Kai and you.

 

I think everyone here is thinking of you all at the moment <'> <'>

 

Bidxx