Forgive Me, For I Have Sinned

[TheNeil]

It's time for me to say sorry as I've done a bad thing. I went shopping yesterday night and managed to mis-scan a pack of yoghurts. I thought I'd scanned two but it only registered once - only noticed when I got home and was going through the receipt

 

So I have been wracked with guilt ever since and then more crimes sprang to mind as I lay awake in the wee small hours, and now I'm in need of absolution. Sadly I can't go and ask for forgiveness at a church (whenever I go, the sky turns black, lightning appears and the strange scar on the back of my head burns...that and the vicar says that my cloven hooves scratch his floor) so I'm seeking forgiveness here for the crimes that I need to confess. Obviously I won't list all of them as I only have another 40 or 50 years left but I really could do with confessing to the following misdemeanors:

 

1. I watched The Cannonball Run last week and laughed

2. I sometimes go into shops with no intention of buying anything

3. I have been known to get my guinea pigs excited...and then not feed them

4. I sometimes forget to indicate when driving

5. Sometimes I move things around in the supermarket just to keep the staff busy

6. I left work five minutes early on Friday as my boss wasn't in

7. I cheated on my A-level maths exam by programming the quadratic equation solver into my calculator (in my defence though, it wasn't on the paper)(and I failed the exam anyway)

8. I have never given money to Children in Need

9. I often take the little samples on the deli counter despite the fact that I know I won't ever buy what they're pushing

10. I have sworn at Norman Wisdom (on the TV, not in real life)

 

With the exception of saints (who never do bad things)(well except St. Justin who kept punching people, St. Emmanuel who stole pies from Greggs, and St. Michael who refused to refund a sweater that had a hole in it) I'm guessing that most people will have crimes for which they also want absolution. So here's your chance to confess all, cleanse thine soul and ease those guilty consciences (and all without the need to visit a draughty old church).

 

 

 

 

 

BTW In the case of the mis-scanned yoghurts, I'll simply scan three packs next week but only take two home. Please forgive me Lord (Sainsbury)

Edited November 15, 2008 by TheNeil

[aro]

I bite the topping of twix bars before eating the biscuit

 

A x

[TheNeil]

I hid behind the sofa with the lights switched off at Halloween, so that any trick or treaters would think that I wasn't in...and then ate the packs of mini Maltesers that I bought for them

[aro]

I hid behind the sofa with the lights switched off at Halloween, so that any trick or treaters would think that I wasn't in...and then ate the packs of mini Maltesers that I bought for them

 

A man after my own heart....I bought a bag of lolly pops for trick or treaters and took out all the drumstick ones

 

 

A x

[kinky j]

I falsely led my son to believe that his favourite house-spider has taken up a ninja like stealth mission , in his bedroom, to keep away the dreaded moths, despite knowing full well that my partner squished him months ago

 

I've used my son's dx as an excuse to not visit friends houses when I just didn't want to go around

 

I ate my son's favourite chocolate bar while he was at his dads, the one he'd been saving. (though, to be fair, I did replace it before picking him up )

 

I'm a BAD BAD mummy!

 

But it wasn't my idea to turn off the lights and eat all the halloween sweets, that was all my partners fault! I'm just easily led

 

[bid]

For three weeks in a row I popped a little mini-pack of choklitts in with my weekly shop to have ready for my girlies to give as Christmas pressies for their friends.

 

And then one weekday afternoon I ate them all as I watched Gone With The Wind!!

 

Boho

[Mumble]

BTW In the case of the mis-scanned yoghurts, I'll simply scan three packs next week but only take two home. Please forgive me Lord (Sainsbury)

That won't work. There are two scenarios:

 

1. You scan 3 packs, pack 2 and leave 1 behind. When the shop assistants find the 1 left behind, they cannot re-shelf it because it is a chilled item and without knowledge of how long it has been out of the chiller and the potential for causing food poisoning, they will have to dispose of it - you have therefore created wastage, not repaid your debt and potentially caused inconsolable suffering to the 1 pack who have been cruelly separated from their friends and yet will still not live to fulfil their intended destiny but will languish, slowly warming and being consumed from within by ever multiplying bacteria at the bottom of a dirty dust cart and savaged by foxes.

 

2. By taking just 2 packs but scanning one twice to pay for the additional pack, you will upset the scales used to ensure correct scanning on the self-scan checkouts. The machine will be expecting three to be packed and will go into panic when it only senses two, resulting in error messages and you being told to 'Place item in bagging area' (or other such message). As you will not have an item to place in the bagging area, the scanner unit will need to be re-set by a member of staff, causing queues to build up behind you. In that queue could be any number of very important people who need to get to very important places in a very little amount of time before untold disaster unfolds. Yet your incorrect scanning will have held them up making you responsible for whatever consequence occurs.

[TheNeil]

That won't work. There are two scenarios:

 

1. You scan 3 packs, pack 2 and leave 1 behind. When the shop assistants find the 1 left behind, they cannot re-shelf it because it is a chilled item and without knowledge of how long it has been out of the chiller and the potential for causing food poisoning, they will have to dispose of it - you have therefore created wastage, not repaid your debt and potentially caused inconsolable suffering to the 1 pack who have been cruelly separated from their friends and yet will still not live to fulfil their intended destiny but will languish, slowly warming and being consumed from within by ever multiplying bacteria at the bottom of a dirty dust cart and savaged by foxes.

 

2. By taking just 2 packs but scanning one twice to pay for the additional pack, you will upset the scales used to ensure correct scanning on the self-scan checkouts. The machine will be expecting three to be packed and will go into panic when it only senses two, resulting in error messages and you being told to 'Place item in bagging area' (or other such message). As you will not have an item to place in the bagging area, the scanner unit will need to be re-set by a member of staff, causing queues to build up behind you. In that queue could be any number of very important people who need to get to very important places in a very little amount of time before untold disaster unfolds. Yet your incorrect scanning will have held them up making you responsible for whatever consequence occurs.

I see. The one vital fact that you're missing though is that scanning in my supermarket (well, the supermarket I go to rather than my own personal supermarket)(if such a thing existed then it would be truly, truly insane and sell only the strangest of things)(and possibly have water slides like in the advert on TV)(I'm rambling, shut up) is that we get those little hand scanner things so...the unloved and unwanted pack of yoghurts never actually leaves the chilled section so no food poisoning, waste, dead foxes etc. and no scales get upset as there aren't any scales to upset.

 

Ta da, the cosmic balance of right and wrong has been redressed and I'm allowed to enter heaven (or wherever) when I finally go off to meet whoever or whatever is behind everything (this assumes that I can make up for the other 14,151,892 bad things that I've managed to come up with so far).

[Mumble]

we get those little hand scanner things so...the unloved and unwanted pack of yoghurts never actually leaves the chilled section

Clearly they trust us less in the South

 

Or Northerners wouldn't be able to cope with such complex technology

 

(this assumes that I can make up for the other 14,151,892 bad things that I've managed to come up with so far)

Even if you were to come up with one per second and never sleep, that still equates to almost 164 days. Given that you only began thinking of and listing sins yesterday evening, you would have had to come up with and record them at a rate of 164 per second in order to reach such a total. This is humanly impossible and you have therefore sinned in lying on a thread about sinning

 

 

[Mumble]

Even if you were to come up with one per second and never sleep, that still equates to almost 164 days. Given that you only began thinking of and listing sins yesterday evening, you would have had to come up with and record them at a rate of 164 per second in order to reach such a total.

Forgive me for being an Aspie and working that out...

 

[TheNeil]

Even if you were to come up with one per second and never sleep, that still equates to almost 164 days. Given that you only began thinking of and listing sins yesterday evening, you would have had to come up with and record them at a rate of 164 per second in order to reach such a total. This is humanly impossible and you have therefore sinned in lying on a thread about sinning

Again, you're missing salient facts. I didn't have to come up with over 14,000,000 'bad things' in one go - I simply got the very large file down that my parents started when I was born and checked what number they'd reached when I left home. Given this I only had to come up with 2,222,228 items which works out at 25.72 per second (yep, I worked it out too). As I didn't have anything taxing to do (like making a cheese souffle, ironing or...err...filling my tax return out) that was a doddle - I just thought back over everything that I have done ever and made the assumption that it was in some way a sin.

 

Speaking of which...

 

1. I did once rub out some numbers on a pub blackboard making a pint 2p and a cheese sandwich �299

2. I don't like Shrek

3. Accidentally deleted a month's worth of data at work and then blamed a power failure

4. Gone back into Thorntons several times when they've been giving away free samples

5. Asked a shop assistant to go and get some shoes in a different size...and then ran away while they were gone

6. Told Jehovah's witnesses that I'm Catholic just to get rid of them

7. I have, on more than one occasion, allowed one of those nice 'would you like to sign up for our brochure?' people stop me...and filled the form out with someone else's name and address

8. Put 'office waste' in with the magazines and newspapers for recycling

9. Promised my car that I'd wash her 'at the weekend', fully knowing that it was going rain and I wouldn't be able to

10. Hidden in the men's room when leaving collections have gone round the office for people that I didn't like

 

Having now read that lot back I'm sure that I'm going to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity (although I do feel strangely 'cleansed')

[Canopus]

A classmate at college found an article in the local rag about committing minor sins and had a list of 30 of them to ask people you know. One of them was accidentally leaving an item in a shopping trolley at the checkout and not paying for it. I scored 27 so concluded that I was naturally dishonest.

 

My TV licence expired in August 1999 and I haven't got round to renewing it yet.

[Enid]

All very funny and forgivable, EXCEPT the guinea pig one, thats just mean.

 

I myself have lied to my kids about the time so they go to bed early!!!! cant get away with it now, sadly

 

pretend to speak to santa on the phone if they are naughty.

 

Tell my ASD son I go to work each day, otherwise he wont leave the house to go to school!!!

 

Enid

[pookie170]

Oh.....how'd you manage that, you sneaky thing you?? If I'm so much as a week out, they're on to me!!!!

 

Mind you, my car was untaxed for 3 years and I drove it, unfazed by my sinful state!

 

Every year, I go to a certain shop to buy a new lunchbag for my offspring, but they charge separately for the bottle....so I slip the bottle inside, zip up the bag and hand it meekly over to the checkout assistant. I figure, if she notices, I'll pay but I've never had to yet!!

 

And I managed to convince the council that they were at fault for an unpaid bill because they didn't send out a payment card, thus receiving a big apology and another card being sent out....when actually, the card was on the table and my bank account had been unable to support withdrawals previous to the phone call!!

 

In a certain childrens shoe shop, during 'back to school' season, I noticed the queue was humungous, so I went in and took several numbered tickets form the machine. I then went out, popped into the chemists next door and the cake shop across the road, and returned just as the 3rd of the tickets I had taken was being called. Thus, no screaming offspring and no frazzled nerves! Ta-daaaaa! Hurhurhur!!

[pearl]

6. Told Jehovah's witnesses that I'm Catholic just to get rid of them

I told a Catholic I was a Jehovah's witness just to get rid of them. And I'm a Catholic

 

All very funny and forgivable, EXCEPT the guinea pig one, thats just mean.

You don't know the half of it, Enid. He's bought them fetish gear for Christmas.

Edited November 15, 2008 by pearl

[TheNeil]

You don't know the half of it, Enid. He's bought them fetish gear for Christmas.

A pair of reindeer antlers and a Santa hat does not constitute 'fetish gear'

 

I'm so naive and innocent that I don't even know what does constitute 'fetish gear'

 

[pearl]

Well, I shan't enlighten you ... look what happened last time I sent you a link.

Those poor, poor creatures

[billabong]

I wish I could think of a sin to confess to, but I'm just perfect, too, too perfect.

[TheNeil]

I sometimes don't follow the instructions on the cheese sauce packet and use boiling water instead of just hot water

 

I don't always move the furniture when I'm vacuuming - I just work around things

 

I refuse to have a chip and pin card partly to annoy my bank

 

I shook my new neighbours hand today despite the fact that I was washing my car and my hands were covered in black wax

 

I ignore the instructions on pots of cottage cheese that say 'stir before use'

 

I've lied to my guinea pigs and told then that we've run out of kale and that they have to make do with carrots and cucumber instead

 

I once hid fresh tuna behind some tins in a supermarket to give the staff something to 'hunt down' in the coming weeks/months

 

I lied to my boss when he said he was resigning saying that he was 'doing the right thing', despite the fact that I was really thinking "Oh [insert rude word here]! What are we going to do now?"

 

I once elbowed my dad's guide dog in the head (it was an accident, honest )

[Canopus]

Here's another sin. Over the past few years I have been given about 6 or 7 parking tickets by various councils. Every single one was posted back to the council with a letter quoting the Bill of Rights Act 1689. So far I have got away with not paying the fines.

[TheNeil]

My ex-wife wanted a border but as it was only 3' long, we took an extra-long 'sample' from the DIY store

 

I hide when the window cleaner comes round

 

I haven't confessed to my brother that his seven month son looks permanantly drunk

 

I used the wrong thickness insulation when laying the laminate floor in my old house before I sold it

 

I forgot to pay my credit card bill so phoned the bank up and claimed that it hadn't arrived - thankfully they let me off the �50 'fee'

 

I often tell the guinea pigs that it's 'bed time' just to shut them up. If they complain then I remind them about the homeless guinea pigs in Peru

 

I have gone into Waitrose through the door marked 'Exit'

 

I ran out of paint when decorating so bought another tin, opened it, used the three brushes worth that I needed, resealed the tin and took it back for a refund

 

I don't iron sheets

 

I got uppety with a paramedic when he spelt 'Asperger' wrong (although I did apologise for bleeding all over his ambulance and white sheets)

 

I have lied to double-glazing/electricity salesmen, saying that I only rent my house rather than own it (it gets rid of them)

[Mumble]

I don't iron sheets

That's how you get wrinkles. Ask Pearl.

 

[TheNeil]

That's how you get wrinkles. Ask Pearl.

She's from Lancashire though and they don't have sheets - they sleep on straw

[Enid]

I didnt know anyone ironed sheets!!! life is way too short. Has anyone seen the posts from mikelawrie on forum, havnt looked cos they may have a virus, obviously some kind of spam but thought the mods would spot them first!! Enid

[pearl]

That's how you get wrinkles. Ask Pearl.

 

She's from Lancashire though and they don't have sheets - they sleep on straw

 

Yup - only natural fibres for moi And my wrinkles come from sleeping all crunched up like that bog man they found, instead of flat on my back like a knight on a tomb as mr p does.

 

I sometimes press the button on the pelican crossing when I don't want to cross the road.

 

[warrenpenalver]

I deliberately drive close to the kerb when impatient drivers creep over the give way line of a side road to force thier way out rather than wait 10 seconds. Its funny watching them reverse.

 

I regularly ignore the doorbell when i cant handle seeing people. Inconvieneint when its postman and i have to go up sorting office another day to pick them up.

 

When i Was in the Navy i kept my own stockpile of ammunition just in case there were any "accidents" that required "accountable" ammunition that had been lost/used to be replenished.

 

On the shooting range I shot 5 rounds into a colleagues target so he could pass his weapons test.

[TheNeil]

On the shooting range I shot 5 rounds into a colleagues target so he could pass his weapons test.

And is this guy still on active duty?

 

[warrenpenalver]

Yes he is. He was doing the test for his Navy "officer of the day" course and its the only time he would ever have to actually shoot the gun. he just has to do the course so he has enough weapons knowledge to supervise weapons handovers. If he ever went to the gulf or somewhere like that he would have to redo the test as it only lasts 12 months.

[TheNeil]

I may have said a rude word once or twice in my life

 

Although an adult (technically), I still have an urge to set fire to Orville the duck

 

I find comparing people to animals (e.g. worm, ant, weasel, fox) is derogatory...to animals

 

Although I work in IT, I'm not a Star trek fan

 

I usually run financial and major decisions by my guinea pigs as way of seeing they make sense or not (the decision, not the guinea pigs)

 

I still live under the hope that some paperwork will be found somewhere revealing that I'm the son of someone famous (probably Bruce Lee or Sean Connery) but had to be given up for adoption and that the people I call my 'parents' are actually imposters. That and I have a vast fortune waiting for me somewhere

 

I don't, and never have, found Angelina Jolie attractive

 

I have, accidentally of course, 'lost' people in the phone system at work

 

I didn't learn about apostrophies until I was 23 (and I still get them wrong at times)

 

Although I don't watch either, I want George Takei to win I'm a Celebrity and (wanted) John Sergeant to win Strictly (in this case simply to annoy sour faced Arlene Philips). In a similar vein I also want Joe Swash to come to a grissly end in a bush tucker trial

[Tally]

I once made an international phone call from work.

[sonj186]

i once found a cash it the cash point and kept it!

 

i sometimes tell C its bed time half an hour early just to get some peace and quiet!

 

i told C the swimmimg pool had called last night to cancell his swimming lesson because i didnt want to drive in the fog!

 

i ignore my neices text messages then say i didnt get them

 

mmmm too many other things to list!

 

 

 

 

sonj

[TheNeil]

i once found a cash it the cash point and kept it!

I've done that too

 

When buying an advent calendar this morning (in a certain chocolate shop) the assistant asked me if it was for someone special - I lied and said yes rather than admitting that I was having to buy it for myself as no-one else would

 

My boss left yesterday and, as a department, we ignored the fact that nobody had organised a leaving card

 

I wish physical harm on Eamonn Holmes

 

[Enid]

Once when I put money in a parking ticket machine about �3 in cash came out, I kept it Enid

 

 

[Jericho]

My younger son has been carrying around a much-ripped and much-sellotaped picture of the Transformers toys. When he finally put it down for a couple of days I dared to put it in the bin. Then when he spotted it I lied and said that the evil Megatron must have moved it. I will burn in hell for that one yet still have to look at the wretched picture every day.

 

When the woman working on the checkout at Asda complained about the awful Christmas music they were being subjected to, I failed to confess that I had the same cheesey CD at home. Two sins for the price of one: failure to confess and also owning such a crime against music.

 

<shuffles away in shame>

[sonj186]

i went in to town today, when we went to the loo in oldrids a young girl(about 18ish)came out off the loo with her skirt tucked in to her tights!! i wanted to tell her! and almost did! never the less i didnt

 

 

sonj

 

[chris54]

Once when I put money in a parking ticket machine about �3 in cash came out, I kept it Enid

 

Only �3, I put my money in and nothing, even reject button didnt work so I gave the machine an almighty whack and it just started raining money. Well I couldn't leave all that money just laying there, who know who might have taken it.

[Enid]

Chris Enid

[TheNeil]

Well I couldn't leave all that money just laying there, who know who might have taken it.

And of course you took it to the police station to hand it in...

 

[pingu]

i killed my fish.. by accident. i feel so damn guilty

[aro]

I've just bought myself "bopit" and am too ashamed to admit it to my DH