Jester Report post Posted July 6, 2005 (edited) Apologies to all if you haven't seen the latest Star Wars film ...but I've been wondering:- How does whiney voiced moody overgrown teenager Annakin Skywalker suddenly become 'Basso' ominous rumbling evil Darth Vader? Then I discovered this 'lost' scene:- Enter ANNAKIN - "Right, that's it, you Jedi Council dudes suck SOOOOO much." <stamps foot> "I wanna be a Jedi master and I wanna be one RIGHT NOW! So what if I'm only a teenager...you're all like REALLY old and stuff and I bet I'd be like a million times better at than you". Yoda shakes his head "Too much floppy hair you have. Shaving, you should be, at least, before a Master you become." Annakin pouts and stamps again "RIGHT! That's IT! I'm turning to The Dark Side - yeah? - THEN you'll be sorry, right? 'Cos like I'm going to dress all in black, right? And like I'm probably going to paint my bedroom like TOTALLY black, yeah? and then you'll be sorry." He storms off, then storms back "Yeah and I'm like getting rid of that LAME bluey/green lightsabre business 'cos it's like SO last year and I'm getting one of the cool red ones, yeah, like the emperor, right THEN you'll wish you'd made me a master but it'll be like too late, yeah?! He storms off. Yoda sighs "Darth Sulky he has become" Edited July 6, 2005 by Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 7, 2005 Me again .. hoping to raise a smile after today's outrages. It being nearly the end of the year, I am given to writing utterly deranged things on the board just to see if the kids notice ....usually they spot them and it gets everyone's attention. Sigh One girl in my class - who has no special needs other than a desperate need to talk constantly, has therefore managed to copy down variously and without comment (even after they had been pointed out by others because she wasn't listening) 1. Today's date "Monday 35th April 1842" 2. Objective: To bring about Cosmic Harmony with all living things 3. Objective: To instil joie de vivre in an otherwise jaded day 4. Objective: Burma! (a very bad Errol Flynn film) and her piece de resistance was to copy the following "If you plant a sunflower seed but do not water it, then it will explode...annihilating all life in the galaxy because sunflower seeds (when dry) are notoriously unstable at an atomic level" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 7, 2005 Hi Jester - Great minds think alike... I was going to visit my brother at his new house, taking my neice, who was under orders to take down directions for my sister. I'm saying stuff like: "Turn right by the field with the sheep lying down in it"... "Go straight past the parked up post office van"... "Hang a left by the woman walking her dog"... After about twenty minutes of this my niece finally said:" Hold on, what if the sheep gets up?"... Oh how we laughed (except for my niece, who went: tut! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted July 16, 2005 (edited) Without his "The Jester" outfit on the elegant, silk dressing-gown clad figure of (just) Jester is shopping. It is soon to be Auriel's birthday and Bid has dispatched Jester to (he squints at the shop front) PC World. Clamping his tortoiseshell cigarette holder between his teeth and sufferring a momentary pang of regret that he quit smoking 5 years ago, Jester smooths a little more brylcreem across his bald patch and enters the premises. He is confronted by what he can only describe as 'A slip of a gel'. She is excavating a nostril. He raps upon the counter top with his hip flask, cracking a small glass panel that makes a plaintive 'Bleep' and a nearby till flashes "Ethernet cable 6:99" She looks up...in the interests of customer service she removes the excavating digit from her nostril, inspects it before it is discretely wiped and returned below the counter top. "Good morning", begins Jester She nods, the sheer weight of mascara forcing her eyelids into a dull half-closed expression. "I wonder if I might speak with Mr. World?" An eyebrow is raised "Wha?" Jester fixes her with his best 'Polite and Bright but not to Messed with Little Miss, I've Taught Maths to Harder Cases than You" expression.' "Mr. World - the manager - I wonder if I might deal with him? I have some technical purchases to make that may be above your ...(he is about to say 'pretty little head, but this is so evidently NOT the case that he settles, in the interests of honesty for..) level of expertise." "I'll get Wayne" she announces, and leaves. Jester ruminates. Clearly, Mr. World is doing well and has a second shop. Mayhap he has employed a manager...or perchance should the sign outside read "P.C. World and son ...purveyors of Bespoke Computer Equipment to the Gentry? The 'son' (Wayne World? Where have I heard that before?) arrives. "Cannarelpya?" Jester brings a lunchtime of experience to the task of translating yoof-speak. "Yes, you can help me...I wish to buy a (he surruptitiously looks at the notes on the back of his hand - dictated by Auriel) a Wireless Router." A box is produced and money changes hands. Wayne gestures at the girl with a flick of his impressive fringe ...so much hair, so many colours; "Shecuddagorratferyer" The bright smile returns. "I am sure (Jester squints at her badge) that Chrysler-Opal COULD have got it for me, since it clearly states (despite evidence to the contrary) that she will be pleased to help me but ...as your father will no doubt explain to you...a certain class of customer prefers to deal with those near - or near-ER - their own status." Wayne's eybrows knit. The piercing of one becoming entangled in the other. "Whatever" "To conclude, however," Jester proceeds, "with all the advances in technology in the years since Mr. Marconi's invention...WHY does my son suddenly need to spend all this money on a 'Router' to make his 'Wireless' work, hmmmm?" The rest of the conversation, and Jester's unfortunate removal from the shop have been deleted from this family site. All I can say is ...if that's how Wayne World treats customers, I can't imagine how 'old Mr. World' ("P.C.") to his friends, EVER made enough money to open another shop. Probably from overcharging on obsolete wireless equipment, I guess. The world's gone mad ...thank God I'm back in the relative sanity of the Batcave . (Though, if you've met my relatives, it's not saying much ) Jester PS My excuse is it's the end of term and I can't stay awake ...where are the rest of you? Edited July 16, 2005 by Jester Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted July 16, 2005 A wireless router, eh? We had one of them till very recently. I was told that if we didn't want the neighbours using it we'd need to install a firewall. The man in the nice uniform and big red shiny fire-engine said we should stay wired. So I asked if he'd met our son. As to where the rest of us are, the answer is in a quandary: should we be out in the sun or down in our bomb shelters. I've been doing the garden - on the theory that when the soil's baked dry it weighs less than when waterlogged, as evidenced by the old saying "Make decking while the sun shines". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted August 7, 2005 The Jester surveys the deserted Batcave. Where have all the superchums gone? Is this a re-run of 'The Incredibles', and some dark force is killing us off? Wait! "Spatchcocked SENCO's, Superdudes!" he quoth. "Of course...no-one comes out to play anymore because they are all watching (and posting about) BIG BROTHER." The supercomputer that is his brain whirrs. An idea! "BIG BATCAVE"!! "Now," he muses, "all we need are some people with dubious dress-sense who have some form of nascent personality problem and shove them together for a few weeks. We could set them impossible and frustrating tasks - like getting a statement for their kids - and have a jolly good laugh at their efforts as they crack up and hit the bottle, the chocolate and, eventually, the headteacher." His fingers drum on the worksurface of the Batkitchenette. He glances at the pictures on the wall...his own, The Female Inquisitor , Capt. Commando, The Apronater, BRW etc But where to find people like that? He sighs and leaves...another money-making idea that falls at the first hurdle. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted August 7, 2005 Could they have been on the other programme 'I'm a Krismite, get me out of here?' Second thoughts, purple lycra hotpants, would that be allowed??? I wonder if the the producers would consider renaming the programme 'I'm a SENCO, keep me in here (for my own safety'). Nah, we wouldn't allow that to happen. Been trying to think of what I'm going to look forward to after Big Brother finishes. Annie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted August 7, 2005 Wait! "Spatchcocked SENCO's, Superdudes!" he quoth. "Of course...no-one comes out to play anymore because they are all watching (and posting about) BIG BROTHER." Well, don't know about the rest of the superdudes, but I'd rather chew maggots... Big brother? Big yawn! For myself, the lack of 'batcave action' can be directly attributed to the rather pressing demands of school summer holidays! For the duration, CC has ceased to exist completely, and even his mild mannered (??) alter-ego BD is hard pushed to find a minute for his favourite website.... Don't worry, abnormal service will be resumed as soon as possible! Shows how knackered I am - four sentences and not a 'fnar fnar' in site... Must be losing my grip (fnar fnar) Hope your hols were good, big J. L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shell Report post Posted August 7, 2005 another good task would be who can fill in a DLA form in less than 2 weeks coz i can't the last one took lots of copys and mistakes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted September 5, 2005 Where is everyone? All our new members need to know where the 'real' action is Annie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 5, 2005 Annie - well done you for refloating the cave... T'was my plan to hunt the ###### down later in the week (now the thing that must be obeyed is back at skool), but you done beat me to it! I wonder how jester's first week back will go??? (HINT HINT HINT!) L&P CC Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
raelien Report post Posted September 6, 2005 erhm - "coughs quietly in the corner" been away for a while - "the Apronater is my name - or it was long way back - on page five or summit - jus checkin in to see how the batcave is doin. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 6, 2005 As Baddad is now a moderator should he change his alter ego to Judge Thredd? nemo p.s. Baddad, just how were you planning on getting the batcave to float? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 6, 2005 Aggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! My canary just karked it... Must be a massive methane leak!! (Where there's a will, there's a way) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 8, 2005 JUST A FLYING VISIT TO THANK NEMO FOR THIS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT NEW AVATAR HE KNOCKED UP FOR ME...... HOW COOL IS THAT?? A 100% CUSTOM AVATAR!!! Now, before you all go knocking at his door yourselves, I should point out that I am now working officially as his agent on all commissions, and any negotiations should be directed through me Thanks again, mate!! BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 9, 2005 That's just a variation on what my publishers said: "You do the work, we'll take the money". Thanks for the thanks nemo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 9, 2005 Ahhh, erm... The difference is, they're exploiting you... I'm trying to nurture your talent by ensuring that you don't have to waste your creative energies over mundane concerns like money... In fact, my generosity extends to the point that if you send me all your cheque/credit cards and the relevent pin numbers i'll sort all of that stuff out for you too ... Sigh, sometimes my saintliness is such a burden... (And ben loved it too!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 9, 2005 (edited) In fact, my generosity extends to the point that if you send me all your cheque/credit cards and the relevent pin numbers i'll sort all of that stuff out for you too Thank you for your extremely generous offer (as you point out), but a lovely lady called Mrs. T solved all our financial problems years ago. We were living is Scotland when she introduced us to the charming Paul Tax, a very cunning accountant (close associate of Mr Tricket and Mr Pennyfold - my mother's lawyer and accountant - yes, really!!!!). Unfortunately his fees were 75% of our annual income , so we quibbled and lost. This led to us getting the world's first (apparently) negative credit rating. Which I have always found hilarious as I have never owed anyone money in my life (one of my little obsessions). However, if I do ever get a piece of plastic, you're welcome to it, especially if it's that joke of an ID card thingy (only to be used to scare children and confuse officers of the law: "Is that your real name?") cheers nemo Edited September 9, 2005 by littlenemo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 9, 2005 Tricket & Pennyfold... Next you'll be telling me your bank account's with Reeditt &Weepe... Actually, I used to have a Korean dentist called Dr Au, so anything's possible (though I will definitely NOT believ anyone who had a dentist called 'I Pullum', unless the poster happens to be one of the Bash Street Kids... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 9, 2005 Still in Scotland, there were only 2 local dentists: Aitken Grieve (with a silent 't') or Donald Duck Which would you have chosen? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 10, 2005 Donald Duck? What the heck! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 10, 2005 With all the caring, concerned parents on this site it's easy to forget that there are also some sick, twisted ones out there, with dreddful senses of humour, baddad. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted September 10, 2005 Some time ago The Jester collapsed in a heap in the corner of the Batcave: who left it there in the first place remains a mystery. He awakes at the unfamiliar sound of voices. Sadly he has been left alone long enough to ponder some of those things that only seem to trouble him (and Bads..and other people who ought to be on medication...or possibly already are) 1. The Dodo died, Dodi and Di Died, Dando died...how worried is Dido right now? 2. As a man, one spends many years hoping for that special moment when a beautiful woman enters the room, looks at all the other men then points at you and says "You're the one." Unless, of course, you are in a police line-up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 10, 2005 1. The Dodo died, Dodi and Di Died, Dando died...how worried is Dido right now? Ah, my man... That was worth the wait Glad to see you back where you belong (Bill Bailey - cue song...) Sadly, i must now dash to Tescos to do the weekly shop Laters, Batchums BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted September 11, 2005 and I was wondering ... What would they do if you ran into The Body Shop and shouted: "I've already got one!"?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
raelien Report post Posted September 11, 2005 I often ponder the thought - That if a man is alone....... ....Deep in a forest where noone can hear him............................ .............................no-one for miles around............................................. .......................................................................Would he still be Wrong!!!! " waits for the fall out" <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 11, 2005 I often ponder the thought - That if a woman is alone....... ....Deep in a forest where noone can hear her............................ .............................no-one for miles around............................................. .......................................................................Would she still be mad?? ALSO: You know, It occurred to me yesterday that since dear old Pooks and CarolJ hung up their respective Uberthong and Cloak ensembles a fundamental element of Batcave tomfoolery has been allowed to slip by the wayside: To whit, The Official "Naming Of The Newbies" Ceremony...... Now, dear BatPackers (The BatPack - just occurred to me (yes, I know, we are slow round here!), and i really kinda like it!*), two 'tasks': 1) Who shall be the new Official Co-Ordinator for Naming and Shaming? My vote goes with Bid, as one of the more 'established' (that's a nice word for old ) female Batpackers still making a regular appearance, or perhaps Jericho if she can tear herself away from her latest victim? Or you may feel it's time to inject some fresh blood* (Mwahahahahahahaha), and we could try to lure in a newer member* who hasn't yet fully embraced* 'the darkside'?? Your choice: Get voting... 2) Looking back over this page, there are three nominees Officially in need of naming: a ) Nemo: Cinderella Boy - Came out of nowhere* (and took this usually reserved Augusta crowd by storm etc etc etc). A very regular contributor (Oh Puleeze, leave the All Bran jokes aside you 'orrible, predictable lot!). b ) Suze: Fairly active at one point*, but seems to have dropped off* a bit* lately (Oh Puleeeze, leave all the Sanatogen/Seven Seas jokes aside, you 'orrible, predictable lot!). c ) Annie: Not the most prolific new poster, but certainly a committed (should be?) new member* more than deserving of official recognition... Now, obviously the Namings themselves MUST remain the preserve of the new Official Co-Ordinator for Naming and Shaming, but as she hasn't yet been elected**, it wouldn't hurt* to offer a few suggestions*, would it? in fact, this could be the first move* toward the creation of a New Improved, more democratic Batcave (think 'New Labour', only not s**t) where namings are determined by vote (rigging*)... So, my cr*p suggestions for Nemo: Well, he's obviously a clever chap, and given the amount of jokes he makes at Zemanski's expense he likes to live dangerously... So... Cerebral Knieval! What do you reckon*? Of course, he'd probably prefer it if we stayed with 'Nemo' and just stuck a 'Captain' on the front*... but who cares what he thinks!?! For Suze: Well, given her self-confessed love for one particular emoticon, i came up with The Bouncing Bombadier! Any good, or a load of balls? For Annie: Well, she searched and searched the forum when the Batcave sank from sight during the holidays, and single handedly dragged it back to the top of the posting chart... Gotta be - The Reanimator! The only other one i could come up with* was 'I'm Not Your Daddy Woman' based on an old record by Kid Creole and The Coconuts (NB: for more hot coconut action* flick back* to the previous page for the batcave's take on 'Love Island'...or was it Robinson Crusoe... Whatever...Just trying to drum up some (rough?) trade...) Anyhows - they're my offerings*... Hopefully you lot can come up* with some much, MUCH better options (shouldn't be hard*) *F'nar F'nar opportunities I passed up (*)*** on, as part of my late new years resolution... **Chinese F'nar F'nar opportunity I... ***Emoticon F'nar F'nar opportunity I ... L&P, BatPackers BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jester Report post Posted September 11, 2005 and my final (so far) thought of the recent summer lull... "Being awarded 'Employee of the Month' in a huge, national corporation - that's sort of how to be a winner AND a loser at the same time" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted September 12, 2005 (edited) Badders, Confession time - I have hidden amongst my LP collection (vinyl, of course) that very album by Kid Creole and the Coconuts. Question time - Just who is the 'Leader of the (bat)Pack' ???? old song I know, but I bet you know it brrrrm brrrrm and all that. Suggestion time - Maybe for the future, O butt 1. At present hubbies nickname for son (Star Wars fan). Out of time. Annie XX Edited September 12, 2005 by annie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 12, 2005 The Leader of the batpack is still Pookie... She started it, and we all hold out the hope that one day she'll get her memory back [she had a nasty accident - blow out in her left purple Doc Marten and crashed straight through a plate glass window... Unfortunately it was the window of her local bakers, and she got through 3 months stock before they caught up with her... Suffered a near fatal sugar overload and hasn't been the same since] and find her way home. Second in command is CarolJ, who was launched into space when the elastic on her sparkling uberthong got caught up on a passing police car... Then there's Jester, Bid, Jericho... ... ... Me, I'm a Johnny come lately: but what i lack in talent I make up for in verbosity and plagiarism!! L&P BD And as for the Kid Creole Album - I have it on CD!! POP at it's best... Stool Pigeon/Imitation/Annie/etc all still sound great, though 'No Fish Today' was only ever filler even then! August Darnell was far FAR better than history gives him credit for! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted September 12, 2005 Oh dear and ouch I've just been reading some of the older stuff You may be Johnny come lately, but you have me in fits, (of laughter). As for Kid Creole, they showed some clips of them on TV a while ago - memories of a shaggy perm come flooding back - scarey Annie X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted September 13, 2005 Bless you Badders back after a big weekend ,only 4 days but missed you guys .Just a thought how about sili....cone bouncer ,(always been a bit physically challenged in that regard it would be nice to live out another existence in the cave. ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mel Report post Posted September 13, 2005 mel stands outside batcave wearing black bin bag, red tights and pointy black hat.. (friends son wanted halloween party early) ""someone pleeeeeeease let me innnnn!!! just had arrogant ignorant teacher telling me that i am too confrontational and she wont speak with me if i dont calm down!!! NEED A SUPER HER0!!" drags warehouse size package of hobnobs to the door of the cave and sits with pleading look on face...... well, i did, friends son is back and wants to take his video to bits AGAIN. must go find screwdriver......................... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted September 13, 2005 Door creaks open.........cold damp air gushes out and wafts Mels bin bag....."who is it?......what do you want???? .....a deep husky voice asks....."aha!....trouble with a Teacher hey?...well we have just the super heroes to help you in here enter!!!!...".....Mel grabs the box of hob nobs and drags it through the door, what she see,s inside bowls her over and knocks her for six....(no it,s not Freddie Flintoff in just his box ).........but a whole new kind of super hero ....."WOW " splutters Mel.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 13, 2005 Did someone mention Herb Nerbs (outrageous French accent)? No good to me - i like red and amber liquids (occassionally green too: creme de menthe, Chautrause (sp?), very young chardonnay - a veritable traffic light of 'grown up' beverages...), but there are Zum round these 'ere parts (from France to Zummerset in 15 seconds, and not a ferry in sight! And while we on that subject, have any of you cooks out there noticed that 'Somerset Chicken' and 'Normandy Chicken' are the same thing? ###### frogs'll steal anything. Well, except the soap, obviously ) who'd take your hand off for a handful of oats rolled in butter. Don't knock too loudly... Most of us are knocking to get back OUT Handy with a screwdriver, too, huh? "Come inside, you silly beggar, come inside..." [Trad. Arr. by Jim inney] SUZE: what's that advert say; 'small ones are more juicy'? you'll just have to wait and see what the nominated namer comes up with... providing of course some of those ne'er do wells on the 'sensible' side of the forum venture out from behind the sofa and get round to VOTING!! In the mean time - Bet that put a smile on your face! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted September 13, 2005 ....it took a while to get the HERB NERBS.....french accent and all that.Yes it made me giggle .....now I,m off to the cupboard again ,snaffled a few packets of hobber nobbers on the way out shall eat in the dark and catch the crumbs in my crumb catcher ......t.t.f.n.......Badders whats the L&P reference?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 13, 2005 Love and Peace [Yeah, man, like, far out, ya know?] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted September 13, 2005 ....Doh!... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 13, 2005 It's just too pathetic... After 5 days of no TV, internet or email (thanks NTL ) the first place I go is the Batcave. How sad is that? And then to find baddad taking my name in vein (well, laughter is the best medicine) when I had my back turned (into a dartboard of sharp stabbing pains, but that's another story). So... 'Cinderella Boy' - all day cooking and doing housework and at midnight I turn into a geek? I'm afraid that's not my alter ego, that's just me. (waits for the deafening reply by Zemansky ) Cerebral Kneival - I can't even spell the dumn thing! However I was told at an impressionable (usually Groucho Marx) age to "Look before you leap", so I don't look anymore. Well, if I look, then I have too leap, don't I? He didn't say "Look, then maybe decide that leaping the Grand Canyon on a unicycle is a bad idea, give up and go home for tea and HobNobs." did he? I shall wait patiently till the named namer is flashed by Ian Spiration I do seem to have another superpower, though. I can make baddad's avatar disappear at will It also disappears when my server goes down (f'nar f'nar). Sorry, baddad, the normal, flaky service will be resumed as soon as possible. For all parents of Star Wars obsessed kids: The Force is now on sale in the shops! The perfect present for those Annakin wannabes! The Dark Side, the Light Side, it holds the universe together It's Gaffer Tape! Hob Nobbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! says Com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
littlenemo Report post Posted September 13, 2005 Love and Peace [Yeah, man, like, far out, ya know?] Don't believe him - it really stands for Lager and Pimms Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
