Assembly

[Strange girl]

Today we were all to go in for the afternoon assembly because our kids were demonstrating thier work. I was quite ok with this idea because my son was going to do a reading part. It was going to be a chance for him to take part and me to publicly be proud of him, because reading is one of the things he does well.

It meant quite a lot to both of us. I told him I would bring in the camera and he was so proud. Other parents seem to take these things for granted but for me it is always stressful because something inevitably goes wrong. Like when I showed up with a big camcorder to film his drama class presentation when he was 4. I mingled with all the other parents and was just as excited and proud. but when the other parents were being seated, I was told to just take my son and go.

 

I had real hope this time because he is a confident reader and he really wanted to make me proud. I also wanted the other parents to see him doing something 'normal' for a change, and to see how well he can read and what a sweet boy he really is...

 

so i went in for the assembly but couldn't see my son. for a half an hour i sat there watching other peoples children, wondering where my son was. I wanted to cry, I could hear everyone congratulating each other for their children doing so well. I felt very uncomfortable. At first I thought maybe he had a case of nerves and didn't want to go in, because the night before he was saying he was a bit worried because he wanted to do his best. I said I would be there and he would do fine. I was sure even if he had a case of nerves that he would overcome them in a minute or two and come right in.

. After the half hour was up and he didn't come in, I felt horrible. I knew then something must be wrong, it wasn't like him not to want to do it in the end. . I felt stupid holding my camera watching how good other children are, while my son was conspicuos in his abscence. The head teacher blanked me, as did the class teacher. It was horrid.

afterwards i went around to collect him from the office, i saw him, and he just wanted to go straight home.. he was angry and upset.. he had been smacking his face and banging his head.. he hadn't wanted to go back into class after lunch so was told he couldn't read in the assembly as a consequence. So he really wanted to do it, but was not allowed to as a consequence of something else. Obviously knowing how much it meant he became even more upset and the 'consequence' meant he had tantrumed all afternoon. He was so woried about telling me because he didn't want to upset me. So all the other parents got to see was my son kicking out and swearing and hurting himself.. Great. What a rewarding experience. Couldn't they have chose a different consequence? One that didn't punish me too?...So I calmed him down and we went home . He was crying about how sorry he was that he dissapointed me, and how hard he tried to get to do the assembly... and how he wished that they would have at least called me so i didn't have to go in and sit there not knowing where he was. He must have been getting wound up and worried about it thru the whole of the assembly, which lasted half an hour, knowing i was sitting in there and he wasn't allowed to go in.

so when i seen him he was still fuming quietlly but when his aid started to tell me why he wasn't there, because he didn't want to go back into the classroom after lunch, he lost it again. (Couldn't we have done that one later and not when he had just began to calm down? )

If ever I felt we don't belong at the school it was today.

What a nightmare. Is it ever ok to feel sorry for yourself and your child?

Edited November 16, 2005 by Strange girl

[oracle]

Is it ever ok to feel sorry for yourself and your child?

 

Yes it is and I feel so much for you and your son <'> I am not a great believer in consequences. Children with ASD rarely learn from their mistakes and consequence tend to make things so much worse. There had to be a better way to punish him than the way they chose today. At the very least you should have been told and not made to endure watching everyone elses children take part in the concert. The fact that you were blanked is shocking they were obviously punishing you to. What may I ask had you done to deserve this? If they had to punish your son by not taking part in the concert then they should of sent him home with you as soon as you arrived in school.

 

Personally I feel as if they have publicly humiliated you and your son by their actions this afternoon and I would not let it rest. I wonder if they enjoyed making you both feel dreadful while other parents got a free view . I personally think what happened to you both today was shocking.You have every right to feel wronged because you were.

 

Carole

[smallworld]

Right now, I feel sorry for both of you, and blooming

I've just looked at the site before I turn the pc off and get off to bed.

How could the school justify denying him his chance to shine in assembly as a punishment ???? It beggars belief, and not to have called you to tell you that he wouldn't be taking part ????

I'm not surprised you feel like you don't belong there.

It's not an acceptable punishment whatsoever, not for a NT child either !!

I hope you're off to get some answers in the morning ?

I would be asking why he didn't want to back into class ? perhaps he was a little stressed about the performance to come ? I know I would have been.

I think the school showed zero understanding of your son's needs, a bit of reassurance might have been all that was needed.

Grrrrh on your behalf, must get some kip,

 

wac

[phasmid]

I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry that they put you both through this.

 

No, I do know what to say!

 

What they did was gutless and spineless. You don't say what was really behind him not wanting to return to class so I can't say whether or not the punishment was a suitable one or not. What I can say is the DID NOT have to handle it the way they did. Why on earth couldn't somebody have taken you aside when you arrived and explained what had hapened? Why put you through that? Why make him sit and suffer like that? As cruel as it would have been to repeat the experience you describe of being told to take him home from an earlier assembly,that would have been so much better then putting you both through the public humiliation that they did.

 

They had a chance to let him shine and achieve something that he wanted to do. Taking that away does seem cruel. As I say I can't say if they could have come up with something different or not without knowing more. If they could have done perhaps they should have done.

[Brook]

I am really sorry to hear of both your experience. <'> <'>

 

The teacher should have told you your son was not participating, she saw you sitting there and obviously knew your son was not going to be in the assembly, did she think you just went to watch everyone elses kids how VERY ignorant of her.

 

As someone else mentioned, maybe your son was getting a bit stressed about his performance, or if anything like my son if he was told that it is 'after lunch' then he would expect it to be 'after lunch', they would have needed to go through each step before hand. Did they mention 'why' he would not go back into class, did they even know?

 

My son who is seven ASD could not handle assemblies when he was in school (now home ed, I think your son was home ed for a while if I remember rightly) in the end I actually requested in writing that he did not participate as he was really stressed and would shout out and flap in assembly, I would forever have kids running up to tell me with a smirk on their faces, I wasn't going to put him through it anymore.

 

My son did do the first Christmas play, I dont need to tell you how emotional I was, we still have it on video, I know just how you must feel. Towards the end if they were having parent assemblies they always ended in disaster, once they had to sing a whole song again because my son had missed his 'cue', I could feel the eyes boaring into the back of me.

 

I really am sorry this has happened, maybe you could make an appointment to go and see the teacher to find out exactly what happened, also ask her 'why' she did not have the decency to inform you.

 

Brook <'> <'>

[barefoot wend]

Strange Girl

 

Your post made me feel really sad. I think the whole situation was badly handled by school and I can totally empathise with how awful you must feel.

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through this ordeal and hope the school can give you some answers as to why and some reassurance that things will be handled better in future.

 

Barefoot

[LittleRae]

Really annoyed reading this. I agree with what was posted earlier - this was your son's chance to shine and it was taken away. Regardless of what happened before the assembly, he should have been allowed to do it. Think, if this was an NT child, would it have been put down to nerves before doing something like this for the first time? I'll bet allowances would have been made there.

 

His refusal to return to class could have been treated in two ways - either use a different consequence, or use the fact that he was excited about his reading i.e. ' won't you come back to class, we're practising for assembly. You wouldn't want to miss that'.

 

So So ANNOYED! I really think you should speak (or write) to the teacher and Head about this.

 

A

 

PS Hope you're both feeling ok today <'>

[LKS]

strange girl your post made me so angry I once had to sit through an assembly where my daughter did not take part(because she couldn't handle it) but no-one thought to come and tell me. This is different though it is almost as if schools set our children up to fail. To take away his opportunity to shine is unforgiveable and the fact that he thought he had let you down made me cry I'm sure the school will come up with a wonderful reason for why this happened as they always do. Sorry I can't add anything particularly helpful, I wonder if the governors would be interested.

[reuby2]

Hiya, so sorry to hear about how you have been treated and I feel downright angry that any child would be treated that way .I have only just found out that my son has autistic features but even before that i believed that every child should be treated with dignity and understanding.I can totally understand how your son felt about this and I am not suprised that he would be swearing etc because of the total frustration and his feeling of powerlessness in that situation.I would be down at that school in a flash ,the attitude of the teachers is appaling.If they want to be treated with respect then they must give respect.Just to let you know i'll be thinking of you !!!!

Fi

xx

<'> <'> <'>

[DaisyProudfoot]

I'm sitting here foaming Infact I have tears in my eyes just reading this.

 

What a bunch of complete and utter idiots

 

Won't they ever understand. I feel for you and your son. Yet another example of the ignorance we all face on a daily basis.

 

I think you need to write a letter of complaint about how this was dealt with and copy in governors, the director of education and your son's medical folk too.

 

OOOOOH I'm so furious

[mossgrove]

 

I can aonly assume that the school don't understand a thing about Autism. I suggest you let the school know in writing how unhappy you are. Youshould also try and get the Autism poutreach service in your are to visit the school as they are plainly clueless about how to deal with your son.

 

Simon

[Flora]

I am furious on your behalf. I don't know what to suggest but this whole scenario is discriminatory. How dare they treat you and your son like that.

 

Lauren

[Canopus]

Whoever had decided on this type of punishment is evil and sick minded. It shocks me that consequences and forfeits are still being dished out at schools today as I generally do not believe they are appropriate punishments in a school environment.

 

What I can't understand is why you weren't informed of what happened when you arrived at the school. Making you sit through all the other kids performances without any warning that your kid wouldn't perform is nothing more than an act of trickery and deceit so they were punishing you as well as your son. It wouldn't surprise me if the whole event was a public humiliation exercise for both you and your son that was planned in advance although this couldn't be proved. I definitely think that you should send a strongly worded letter to the school about this whole sordid affair.

[oracle]

Canopus you have echoed my thoughts. I think that the staff at this school found the senario very enjoyable for them and that is really worrying. No one should be subjected to this kind of public humiliation while others sit back and enjoy the performance.

 

If they had had any understanding of the condition the child would not have been left alone to work himself up during the dinner period. Which leaves you asking if this school is the right place for the child - but then again how many schools are the right place?

 

Carole

[Suze]

AAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!........................... , SO SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR SON.........................I feel for your, my son rarely shines, you must have so been looking forward to seeing your son,s moment.The school don,t seem to understand Autism, what they did was cruel, he has special needs were these taken into account when they wielded this punishment????............I,d write your displeasure at what happened to the head .Suzex.

[Hectorshouse]

S G I wish there was something I could add but I think everyone has pretty much covered what I feel about this

 

and when I read your post

 

All I can send you is & <'> &

 

HHxx

[Kathryn]

I can only echo what others have said and offer you lots of virtual hugs <'> <'> <'>

 

To say this was wrong doesn't quite cover it. The school had no inkling of how important this experience was to you and your son. I would be furious and upset if even my easygoing NT son was treated this way.

 

What they have done is nothing short of vindictive - I fail to see what positive outcome this "punishment" was meant to have.

 

K

[Tez]

Sorry nothing new to add, except I totally agree with what everyone else has said. I'm really sorry that this happened to you and your son and I would write to the Headmistress to complain about the manner in which the situation was handled.

[smiley]

S G - What a mix of emotions reading your post - i'm furious and sad for you - how dare they treat you and your son like that. It's just so cruel

 

There must have been a better way to handle the situation. Our children rarely get the chance to shine - i feel so sorry for your little one.

 

Write that letter - i'm sure we can help you.... ...... Send copies to the school head, school goveners and LEA. Scream and shout if you have to. You deserve and appology or at the very least a decent explanation.

 

Have some more hugs <'> <'> xxxxxxx

[Canopus]

What they have done is nothing short of vindictive - I fail to see what positive outcome this "punishment" was meant to have.

 

To make one feel bitter for a long time.

[jools]

i felt sick reading this and i echo what everyone else has said......its a disgrace

[baddad]

Don't think I can offer any sort of reply without swearing, except maybe this:

<'> <'>

L&P

BD

[hev]

your post was so sad,hope you both ok today,must have been awful for you waiting and wondering where your son was,nothing to add but hope you both ok,love hev <'> <'>

[annie]

<'> <'>

 

It beats me how these people can call themselves adults.

 

Annie

XX

[Strange girl]

Thank you everyone for your comments and support.

I woke my son up for school this morning and he was in pain from his tooth. His second loose tooth has really been hurting him recently, so I had to give him some calpol before we could get ready for school. He is a bit freaked by losing his teeth, he finds it frightening and painful and disturbing but he doesn't always know how to express pain to people so I'm thinking it wouldn't have helped in yesterdays scenario. (Fortunately the toothfairy is coming tonight )

All I know is that his LSA had said to come into class or he won't be able to do the assembly.

The LSA said she had to stick to it to show him that they meant business. He often doesn't want to be in the class, leaves the room, resists going in, it's not uncommon, (not entirely sure why) So why pick such a big thing to put your foot down on? Because it had such emotional leverage probably? it didn't work though, did it?... or from another more sinister angle, as it was an assembly to show examples of what our kids have been doing at school... was this an organised display of what my son's been doing at school while the others have been spelling and singing?..

 

today was set aside for a whole day of outdoor games and no school type work, so it was easier to get him there. When I got there his LSA asked how he was after he got home yesterday. I said he was fine. I didn't want to talk in front of him and bring the whole thing up to start the day anyway. When he got home yesterday he cried and was sad about what had happened and in pain from his tooth but he was calm and relieved to be home. But all I said was, yes he was fine. The head happened to be there, everyone was all smiles as if nothing bad had happened, they all seemed .. overly bubbly? I dunno. I didn't feel today was the right time or situation to explain how I felt about what had happened, but fortunately when I seen the head she said she had just been to an ASD informative talk and had been told that the best person to talk to about ASD would be the parent, so could she talk to me one day next week. So I thought that would be a good time to discuss what happened, giving me time to get my thoughts together about the assembly. (I'm not too good expressing myself in person without a lot of preparing so this will give me a chance to be calm and reasonable and work out what I want to say. ) I felt a bit funny with us all acting so bouncy today, even my son, we are like rubber- we keep getting knocked but just keep bouncing back...

 

I still want to talk to the school about it. Don't quite know what to say or how to say it, but I do want them to know that it was not handled very well. It made me feel very uncomfortable and my son feel absolutely awful. The punishment in my opinion did not fit the crime. I don't know. Anyone know how I put my feelings across to them so I don't end up going away feeling even worse? Should I write a letter? I don't really know. Not to mention that the original purpose of the head arranging the meeting is so that I can educate her on my son's ASD and how to handle it.

 

...right...

[smallworld]

Hi again,

I think it's quite telling that the school staff were so upbeat today, methinks they're trying to ward off any complaints about a serious error of judgement from the LSA ??

I would go ahead and write a letter anyway (use bits from this thread to explain why you think the punishment was so over the top ) I would be seriously annoyed ,like most parents, if I'd had to take time off work to watch an asssembly that didn't feature my child. If this doesn't apply, then tell em you had to cancel something important to make this assembly !

Ask why the school thought this was an acceptable punishment ? In light of what you've said, it sounds like the LSA made a threat that she then felt she had to carry out. Is this person in a position to form such a punishment ?

If I were in your shoes (no doubt we all will be at some point ) I wouldn't

let the school try to smarm their way out of this.

Copy your letter to the chair of governers too,

Onwards and upwards,

wac

[Malika]

Hi <'>

 

Just been quickly through the thread and feel really upset for both of you.

What an evil decision to make I really hope the head support you on this one it is unacceptable.

 

In year one H teacher had come to punish him for refusing to finish his work by preventing him to go to the annual school trip, I really put my foot down with the head who agree it was not appropriate, at the time it was clear to me that H teacher wanted to exclude him because she was worried she would not be able to controle him during the trip.

 

Do you think the LSA had some other agenda in mind when she made that decision?? just asking. If she just wanted to put pressure on him it was a stupid idea she should have thought it may not work and the punishment was not acceptable.

I am sure they all feeling they have handled it really badly I would have expected something like this from a teacher not from LSA who should know better about SEN children.

 

Don't miss the oportunity when talking to the head this should never happen again.!!!

 

Take care. <'> <'> <'>

 

Malika.

[Strange girl]

I am sure they all feeling they have handled it really badly I would have expected something like this from a teacher not from LSA who should know better about SEN children.

The classroom support, like the others he has had at that school prior, are parents of other children at the school, who have accepted the job to be 1-1 with my son. No prior formal training or knowledge of asd, as neither the head or the teachers have, which is why they are all now attending informative talks and want to have a talk with me to learn more. I have been bringing in books from day 1, and hoping they are doing their own research into it as well. So it's not surprising that they sometimes get it wrong. what works for a perfectly adjusted NT child is not always what works for mine. In fairness they have been trying, and they didn't apply consequences to the reaction to the consequences (which has been done before) but I need to know that they will handle things differently in future. I would like to have a courtesy call next time at least to explain the situation. I did have to take time away from my own work to go see how well other people's children are doing in comparison... when they must have known since lunch that mine wouldn't be taking part. They let me come along (and I came a bit early to get a good seat ).. what was their thinking?

 

well.. we live to fight another day...

[KarenT]

This is awful, SG, and I do think you should put your concerns in writing so that it's logged. Neither you nor your son should have had to go through this and you need reassurance that nothing similar will happen again. Send the letter and ask to speak about it fully to the head, and don't hide the amount of distress you've endured becaues of it.

 

Thinking of you.

 

KAren

x

[something vague]

Are you sure LSA has not trained? I find that shocking and unacceptable. How can they just pull anyone in off the street for a specialist job like this!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I find it very worrying that the government push inclusion but dont seem to be ensuring that training is in place to ensure inclusion is successful

[smallworld]

It seems to be common recruitment policy in our area to ask parents who have helped out in school if they want a LSA job.

We were lucky in the 3 support workers we got, only one had previous experience of SEN, but they've all been fantastic and have taken any training oppurtunity offered, and learned loads more about asd off their own bat.

I don't think this is everyone's experience though

wac

Edited November 17, 2005 by waccoe

[Malika]

Well you are right on that one LSA or TA do not have much training especially for ASD children, just talk to my son TA she is nice but seems not to see H like an ASD child but like a NT saying things like "quite few children have difficulty concentrating it is normal at his age" or" there is always period of time when children at this age find it difficult to make friends". This TA was supposed to get some training from the LEA specialised in communication disorder but I am really wondering if this has been hapening.

Beside I always feel that understanding ASD children required some intellect not always there in the school environment.

 

As for recruiting LSA and TA for SEN it seems so far to be very much of a lottery one of my friend who was a secondary teacher and stop working when she had her kids ask for a job and been told they will consider, I wish they would take her she is very nice with children and wants to learn about autism she ask me to give her informations to read, the reason is that her parents have very good friend with an autistic child who she use to meet frequently when they were young and she find him amazing because of his memory for numbers she has a very positive attitude toward them and often tells me "O autistic they are so amazing they are natural, there is something beautiful about them" I wish I could here this more often in the school environment.

 

So many battles to fight with those who are supposed to help our children and advice us, it really seems endless those SEN provision are just a mess.

 

Hope you'll get something sorted soon.

 

Take care. <'>

 

Malika.

[Strange girl]

Are you sure LSA has not trained? I find that shocking and unacceptable. How can they just pull anyone in off the street for a specialist job like this!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I find it very worrying that the government push inclusion but dont seem to be ensuring that training is in place to ensure inclusion is successful

When my son got his statement saying he was entitled to full time 1-1, the head at the school didn't even know where to recruit anyone from. She even asked me if I knew anyone? That's what I found shocking. He went through a batch load of temperary stand ins before someone took the job. Ranging from dinner ladies, to office secretaries. Eventually the Head put up a notice inside the school asking for someone to work along side a yr 3 child in the classroom. It didn't even mention asd or SEN for that matter. So I don't blame the mum that came forward for the position. And as far as it goes, my son has bonded to her quite well as she is young and bubbly, and he also likes her daughter. I actually like the girl, and think she is doing a very good job given the circumstances, but without the knowledge and training it's hardly surprising that the assembly incident was so incorrectly handled. I have been reading and learning and living with his ASD for 7 years and I don't always get it right. I am just thankful there haven't been more terrible lapses of judgement and understanding than there has been. I don't blame the LSA, despite the fact that everything points to the fact that an incident which could possibly have been avoided was allowed to happen and be exasperated by the lack of awareness of ASD. It is what happens when they are learning as they go along instead of already having had previous experience or awareness of asd.

I am lucky my son has full time asssistance but I also need them to be accountable and be made aware of the 'consequences' of getting it wrong.

[phasmid]

It's all well and good getting 'help' off the playground (its how I started - but I had been helping in school for some years by then) but they haave to be trained. There are the usual DfES induction courses to start with but your son needs more than this.He needs someone with ASD knowledge. If the school employ someone without it they need to arrange the training themselves. Get them a copy of the ASD good practice guidance and tell them to read the darn thing!