ceecee Report post Posted January 24, 2006 I just wondered what others thoughts were on this.Are people with a.s. more likely to bear a grudge and find it more difficult to forgive and forget than others. Do they also often take offense where none is meant (where perhaps they haven't understood properly) and think everyone is out to do them some great misjustice. It is just that as a child my mum was always telling me to let things go and forgive and forget.As an adult I have learnt to do that(kind of) but my memeory makes it difficult for me to forget.i do try to forgive though as I dont want to end up some bitter twisted old lady Just wondered what others views were on this. Do people witha.s. find it difficult to forgive and forget, and think the world is out to get them(I appreciate it probably is sometimes ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
madmooch Report post Posted January 24, 2006 Well, I'm not on the spectrum and i bear grudges and take offense when nones intended Things can eat away at me for weeks from The Bitter and Twisted old lady:D Seriously, as you get older you learn not to take things to heart as much Clare Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
microsoft_admin Report post Posted January 24, 2006 i still got sevral grudges agenst some of the kids i whent to primary scholl with as they used to pick on me for being unushual and knowing so much about computors Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jb1964 Report post Posted January 24, 2006 I can't say my daughter bears a grudge in the sense I would. It's more of she can't forget something if someone says or does something that she classes as a 'lie' or she feels someone is 'mocking her' (which is usually when she has inappropriately understood what someone meant). HTH Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Glock Report post Posted January 24, 2006 Do people witha.s. find it difficult to forgive and forget, and think the world is out to get them(I appreciate it probably is sometimes ) I would say definately yes! my sons new maths teacher visited the class before he started on a full time basis - he stood right behind S and watched him working. S was extremely angry with him (can't bear people close to him and especially behind him) and never forgave him. The poor teacher went through 6 months of hell with S before they eventually had to move him out of the class. It took ages to find out what the initial trigger was and he would not forgive and forget.. He is constantly convinced that everyone is against him and no amount of talking/explaining will change his mind. Have to say, I have the memory of a goldfish so cannot remember if someone upset me 10 minutes ago! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted January 24, 2006 (edited) If my son (ASD, age 7) thinks someone has told him off (even if they actually hadn't) he will go on and on about it for months and months. The lady next door told him to get off the fence about seven months ago, she wasn't rude, she just said 'get down off the fence', he really took this as being told off, he ran inside to get his starwars gun and said he was going to get her, he was shouting out 'youre an evil lady, I hate you' and I really mean shouting! he still goes on about it to this day and will often start shouting out of the blue about this lady and how evil she is! One of the cashiers in the supermarket told him to mind his fingers in the conveyor belt, he also took this as a telling off! he started shouting out 'I hate that lady, she's cross with me'. He hasn't gone near her checkout since and you can see him tense if she is in there. There are plenty more, but you get the gist! Brook Edited January 24, 2006 by Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Ceecee, I don't know if this is true about people with AS in general, but looking at my own daughter, I'd answer yes to both your questions. She tends to replay conversations in her mind, and because she has an excellent memory as well, she can tell me word for word what I said months and sometimes even years ago. I think she is able to forgive genuine mistakes, but if she feels she has been unfairly treated or lied to, she finds it hard to let go and forget about it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted January 25, 2006 J's dreadful for this. Not only does he hang onto grudges for weeks but if someone acts against him he thinks he has the right to revenge indefinitely. Eg if someone hurts him in the yard (accidentally or deliberately, it makes no difference) he'll then 'go after them' for days afterwards and get into trouble himself. He never knows when it's over. Perhaps it's because the memory of previous incidents inflames him so much - I can't talk to him when something bad has happened at school because it upsets him and it's like he's living through it again - maybe whenever he's near to a person who's bothered him in the past the memory reignites and he has to get them again. Not sure if he can remember having revenge the first time around. Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted January 25, 2006 (edited) Thanks to all for your replys.Things make alot of sense to me now and also things that are happening in my life at the moment. That aspie memory has a lot to answer for Trouble is i am worn down with it.I kind of guessed a.s. was playing it's part. Thanks all Edited January 25, 2006 by ceecee Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tez Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Can only answer for A but yes to both your questions. He definitely takes offence where none is meant and thoughts of what has happened will go round and round in his head indefinitely and he can never meet that person again without feeling hurt or betrayed. He also never forgives. His favourite phrase at the moment is that you have to earn forgiveness and even then the crime, in his eyes, might be so enormous that it will never be forgiven. Several people have tried to help him see that this approach is self destructive but he is absolutely rigid in his belief that he is right, both in his view that "the crime against him" (that's how he sees it) was a deliberate action and that they do not deserve forgiveness and to pretend otherwise would cause him more anger than he already has. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Tez Your right it is very self destructive .Yes I cn identify with the crime is a deliberate action senario.Trouble is the so called crime ofen is either not a crime at all or not intended as a deliberate thing but done for other purposes if this makes sense.I can so identify with all that has been said in this thread.To be honest I just think it is so sad. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zemanski Report post Posted January 25, 2006 one feature of autism is that the mind records and remembers events in different ways and this may be partly due to sensory differences. Events can be remembered in such a way that they invoke not just vague memories of responses but they are actually relived - the memory can include all the sharpness of the immediate emotions, smells, sounds and sights that occurred in the original event and so the person actually responds emotionally to the memory in much the same way and with the same intensity as they originally responded to the incident. it is very difficult then to step back from the event and look at it from any other perspective - not conducive to letting go, forgiving and forgetting this is definitely a problem for Com to the extent that it is written into his IBP. Zemanski Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tez Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Zemanski, I agree. So if it is written into Com's IBP, how do you and the school actually deal with these situations when they arise and how successful are you in helping Com relieve his feelings in a positive way? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Many Aspies set lot of store by rules, and find it very difficult if people break them I think this is partly because many aspies have difficulty inferring appropriate behaviour so 'rukes' (written or unwritten) take on much more significance. A lot of the flare-ups between J and his yournger siblings are because they have done smething that he doesn't think they should have done, (even if it is nothing to do with him and doesn't directly affect him). As his attempts to sort things out often involve hitting and shouting sparks can fly. However, when he breaks rules there is always a perfectly rational reason for it, so it would be completely inappropriate to tell him off Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted January 25, 2006 one feature of autism is that the mind records and remembers events in different ways and this may be partly due to sensory differences. Events can be remembered in such a way that they invoke not just vague memories of responses but they are actually relived - the memory can include all the sharpness of the immediate emotions, smells, sounds and sights that occurred in the original event and so the person actually responds emotionally to the memory in much the same way and with the same intensity as they originally responded to the incident. it is very difficult then to step back from the event and look at it from any other perspective - not conducive to letting go, forgiving and forgetting this is definitely a problem for Com to the extent that it is written into his IBP. Zemanski I have found this thread very interesting and think that what Zemanski said is spot on in relation to my son. Those that read the link that I put up a few weeks ago, will remember me saying my son often thinks of things that upset him and will really become distressed shouting out etc... I've put a link to the page I was reffering to, you have to scroll down a little way: It really is a case of going deeper than the behaviour being shown isn't it. http://www.ddleadership.org/aspergers/cour...unctioning.html Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deblegs Report post Posted January 25, 2006 I am a committed Christian and I know that as God forgave of my wrong doing, I should forgive people who have wronged me. I do this. Love is the basis of forgiveness. God, the Holy spirit lives inside me and he gives me the ability to forgive. I cannot do this without him. Human love is conditional, but the love of God is unconditional. When someone upsets me or wrongs me I pray for that person. This softens my heart for them and prevents me form bearing a grudge. From Debbie Hudson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
qthewingedserpent Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Do people witha.s. find it difficult to forgive and forget, and think the world is out to get them(I appreciate it probably is sometimes ) I'm on the spectrum and I have great difficulty in both these areas. I'd never really thought about its link with AS but I suppose you're right. I tend to get very paranoid and think everyone is against me or ganging up on me. Maybe its because we have difficulty reading signs we find it hard to get closure on these issues. I am still bitter about all the bullying I suffered at school too, amongst other things! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressed out mum Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Hi My son has Aspergers he is 12 and never bears a grudge. He finds it difficult if other people break rules (it's okay for him though). He says that his class peers say that he is weird and so he spends a lot of time on his own apart from one lad who consistently taunts him about petty things like how he walks. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sue45 Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Ceecee, I can say yes to both too - my d finds it really difficult to let go of past hurts and no amount of trying to explain works. She also pre-empts problems and gets really worked up about situations that hasven't yet arisen but might eg. I took her to school in my mum's car the other day and there were traffic lights where normally there aren't any - we had wait and she kept saying if those lights don't change and I'm late for school I'm going to hit those men (workmen). Another example is when we returned a bag she'd bought to the shop to get the money back - before hand she was saying she would hit the woman behind the counter if she didn't give us our money back. She sees these as personal affronts. I must add that the lights changed in time and we got our money Whew!!!! and she's never actually carried out one of those threats, but if things had gone wrong she would not have been able to stop going on about it to me for ages and ages with the probable outcome of a meltdown. Sue xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted January 25, 2006 Stressed out mum Hi yes i believe it is a feature of a.s that they have all these rules you are supposed to live up to and like you say it is completely different if they themselves break the rules.They don't seem to realise that they are breaking the self same rules.it is like one rule for them and another for everyone else. I have read an article on this somewhere. sue45 Hi I have i think a.s. tendancies and i tend to do this preempt a situation always thinking about the worst that can happen.i don't threaten to hit anyone though!!! My hubbie calls me mrs doom and gloom. People with as can be unbelievably negative and pessimistic Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
qthewingedserpent Report post Posted January 26, 2006 Boing. Topics move too quickly on this forum - I've spent ages looking for this one again and then I didn't get any ###### reply! I feel a grudge coming on! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Ceecee, We are all entitled to our own opinions, of course, but I do feel you often make quite sweeping statements about AS. I think all children are keen on others following the rules, but they themselves being let off...I'm not convinced that this is purely AS!! As for adults, I don't think you can lump all people with AS together in the way that you often do in such a negative light...there is as much variation in character among ASC people as there is among NT people. From my personal experience of people with AS, they can be just as compassionate, kind and thoughtful as anyone, if not more so sometimes. Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tanya Glass Report post Posted January 27, 2006 (edited) Boing. Topics move too quickly on this forum - I've spent ages looking for this one again and then I didn't get any ###### reply! I feel a grudge coming on! Bid, Actually this is my fault. I am Ceecee's brother, as she is convinced I have Aspergers (don't ask about Tanya Glass!). Much of her interpretation regarding AS behaviour appears to be drawn from me. I often see posts like this which bear an uncanny resemblance to things she has said I do, or things she tells me I do. I can't say for certain this relates to every post as I am sure she reads articles. Often though, I have another AS sympton thrown at me, which I somehow do and then it comes back on here. I don't want to get ego centric, but for the last few years I have noticed this cycle - things learnt about AS become things I do, or things I do become AS. This does not bother me, but just to let you know. I think the downside with As - is that if it is just treated as label, the individual is forgotten, As like all conditions/disorder or even illness is just a term, the people affected by them are individuals, and have individual needs. You could say the term almost becomes meaningless, what matters is the person and the areas in which they feel isolated or struggle. You can't generalise - you have to treat or help the individual - As is not a blanket term of like for like symptons. A holistic approach has to be taken. James Edited January 27, 2006 by Tanya Glass Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted January 27, 2006 (edited) As i suspect myself of having a.s. tendancies then if i painted this negative picture I would paint quite a negative picture of myself. I can only go on my experience of a.s. and what I have seen.I am sure that many people with a.s. have a lot to offer, in fact I know they do but ubfortunately parts of a.s. can be very difficult and distressing as I am sure many people can relate to. Bid There ia another thread on rules which was not started by me but I do agree with much of what has been said.Don't know if you have read it. I am well aware that people with a.s. present differently.My brother and I have the same areas of difficulty but present differently within those areas.I definately do not think everyone witha.s. presents the same.There are many positive things about a.s. but often the negative overshadows the positive. Edited January 27, 2006 by ceecee Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Canopus Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Things stick with me for a very long time. I still have grudges going back to the 1980s. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Tanya Glass...I thought as much. Ceecee...why will you not accept the fact that your brother doesn't have AS? Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tanya Glass Report post Posted January 27, 2006 (edited) Removed, ******** Edited January 27, 2006 by Tanya Glass Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ceecee Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Bid I had guessed to. If tania glass or hidden gem or whomever he wants to call himself does not have a.s. and he does not have any children, whatever is he doing posting on an a.s. forum board. I think as i know my brother in real life I am able to say he might have. Wether he has a.s. or not is certainly a question that no one can answer for definate, least of all if you have never met him.Now I for one have no wish to contribute to this thread any longer as I feel it has run it's cours and gone off the topic in question. My brother told me he had informed the mods he was posting under two different names pretending he wanted help.As you did not know he was posting under two different names perhaps he did not. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Ceecee... As a moderator I have known exactly what was going on. When I replied to TG that 'I thought as much', I was referring to his feeling that you had started this thread 'about him'. Yet again, you are bringing this private argument with your brother onto a public thread. I know that you have both been repeatedly asked to stop this, and reminded about the PM facility. Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 27, 2006 Hi guys - look all other issues aside, the 'family' part of this debate should not be public. We have a PM system, or you could just try meeting up on neutral territory for a cup of coffee and a hob nob. Really, guys, we really would like you to mend some bridges but this isn't the place, is it? Whatever your feelings regarding your brother's choices ceecee they are his to make... you can lead a horse to water and all that... I will ask again please that the 'personal' elements of this be left to one side. If you can't do that, just let it drop and agree to differ, or continue it off forum Forcing threads to be closed is not fair on other users. If you wish to challenge me. please do so through PM's, not on forum Thanks BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yoyo Report post Posted April 18, 2006 can say yes to both too - my d finds it really difficult to let go of past hurts and no amount of trying to explain works. She also pre-empts problems and gets really worked up about situations that hasven't yet arisen but might I just want to thank everyone so much for this thread, however old it may be. I am fairly new to this forum, suspect I am Aspie but would be laughed out of it if I tried to get diagnosis. I was adopted as a child, very unhappily, and found my natural family recently. My father has AS, so does the son he kept and so does his son's daughter. I realise that all my insecurities, paranoia, high intelligence, severe anxiety etc most lkely put me on the spectrum. This thread has been so helpful as I am exactly like the quote above. Although I am fully familiar with the 'commited christian, point of view, I simply cannot forgive and I remember wrongs done to me forever. I relive conversations for years and I am like that child described above regarding being told off. Currently I am seriously struggling with how my parents gave me away at birth and cannot get my head round it. I have been thinking about this all the time for about two years. This thread won't make it go away but it has helped me so much as I realise the reason why I can't let go. I also always anticipate things going wrong or likely to go wrongAnd assume everything is a personal affront. Thank you again. Gill Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
