Admitting that I need help

[Tally]

I've been trying to deny it, but I can't any more. Life is truly awful. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, but I can't cos I promised my mum that I would be OK . . . in the end anyway. I can't break my promise to her, but I wish I hadn't said it now.

 

My husband has changed

 

I asked him is something wrong, that's upsetting him, but he says there's not. I said, "well, you must hate me then, cos you've been really horrible lately."

 

He said that he loved me and would hate to lose me, and was nice for a couple of days, but now he's being nasty again.

 

I told him yesterday that I need to go straight to bed when I get in from work, otherwise I can't sleep. Sleep is important as I have ME, fortunately only in a mild form, but sleep is still very important. I got home at 8 this morning and was in bed by 9. He was snoring so I rolled him over and he told me to f*** off. Every time I was just drifting off to sleep he rolled back onto his back and started snoring, I rolled him over, and he swore at me. I finally got half an hour's sleep when his alarm clock went off. He let it ring for ages. Then his radio alarm went off and he just left it playing. I asked him to turn it off so I could sleep and he went on a big rant about how selfish I was cos he had to get up and I was just going to lie in bed all day. I wasn't being lazy, I HAD BEEN WORKING ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!! I went and got into the spare bed and I could hear him throwing coins at the radiator, to make a noise. I couldn't sleep, even though he went out at 11. I am going to be exhausted tonight. Even if I go to sleep now, I could get 7 hours, but he will wake me up demanding dinner and I won't be able to sleep after that.

 

Oh, and the reason I work nights? So he can spend more money. I don't spend any more now I do nights than I did when I worked days. He just resented that he earned more than me. Now the money is 50-50, but is his housework 50-50, is it hell. He does NOTHING at home. Wakes me up repeatedly on the weekend complaining of hunger, and eventually goes to McDonalds (slamming doors on way out, of course) cos he 'can't' cook anything.

 

I am sick of it, sick of tolerating his drunken shouting, sick of wondering if he's going to start hitting me, sick of trying to make it work, sick of talking it through, him agreeing, him saying he loves me, him acting like he hates me, sick of doing everything for him. My dad is coming tomorrow, and I am going home with him. It's the right thing, but it hurts so much. I have a job, a home, and a life here. Why should a stupid man have the power to drive me away? Fact is though, he does, and that is what I am going to do.

 

Please give me strength.

Edited April 1, 2006 by Tally

[redberry]

Oh Tally................

 

I dont know what to say. <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Please find some one you can talk to. Im really pleased that you made this post.

Even though I dont know what to say I am sending you massive huge enormous <'>

and love too.

 

Take care Tally and maybe some one who can help yopu will come along soon and give you some advice.

<'>

 

redberry

[lil_me]

<'> Sending the little strength I have your way. Sounds like you've made a decision and know what you want to do.

[adamsmum]

<'> <'> Im sorry i realy feel for you. You are not on you'r own. I've spent the day in tears for simaler reasens. I cant say much as he's in room but i will be thinking of you

[hev]

to tally,my sisters have both been in your situation and i know how hard it was for them,im thinking of you love hev

[LKS]

Tally <'> <'> <'> You have made a very brave decision cos sometimes it's so easy just to stay and put up with it I wish you all the very best and hope you will eventually find the peace and happiness you deserve. Because you do deserve it.

[loulou]

Oh sweetheart, you poor thing. I can't say i know how you feel, because i don't, but i'd like to send you lots and lots of <'> <'> <'> <'> .

 

I think you are being very brave. No one should ever have to put up with this.

 

You can contact Women's Aid for help (I use them as part of my job as a midwife and they are FAB). Their helpline is: 0808 2000 247. Their website is:

 

www.womensaid.org.uk

 

Good luck,

 

Loulou xxxx <'>

Edited February 25, 2006 by loulou

[phasmid]

We can't tell you whether you're doing the right thing or not here to be honest. The situation sounds horibble and you clearly feel that one way or another it can't carry on as it is. Whatever you decide to do, and it as to be YOUR decision, stay strong for yourself and make sure that you are ok and happy.

[~Jonathan~]

Tally, get the hell out of there. That's not love mate. Do you have relatives close by you could stay with? If so, do it. Then get in touch with the Citizens Advice Bureau in your area and find out what they have with regards women's issues/domestic violence/spousal abuse. Do this for yourself Tally, get out of this unhealthy atmosphere. Are you able to transfer to another branch of where you work or could you tell someone there, someone in management what is going on, so that he can't come in issuing threats. Just get out of there <'>

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'> Tally <'> <'> <'>

Look after yourself

[Viper]

Tally, I went through the same sort of abuse, (and it is abuse), that you are suffering. It took all my strength to leave but when I did it was the best feeling of relief in the world.

I would wait up for my partner to get home from the pub so I could make him something to eat if he wanted it, we would then go to bed and he would stop me from sleeping, I would be dropping off and he would punch me in the back, this would go on for hours until he fell asleep. I had to get up in a few hours to look after our daughter but he would stay in bed sleeping until he had to go to work in the afternoon. The final straw came when he kicked my daughter in the stomach, sending her flying across the room,, she was 18 months old. I shouted at him that he would never touch her again and he tried to strangle me while pushing my head into a sink of washing up water, I managed to bite his hand and broke my tooth, leaving a bit in his hand. I left shortly after and have never seen him again.

I am now happily married with 3 more children, it was the best thing I ever did in my life.

 

Don't put up with it, he will try to tell you it's your fault that he dose these things and you start to believe it. Don't believe it, it's not you who is in the wrong, it is him and his insecurities. Leave him before things turn really nasty. You are lucky to have your Dad to help you, know one wanted to help me I was on my own, so take your chance and go.

Best of luck to you. If you want to PM me I will be here to talk if you need me. I want to offer you some support and a shoulder so don't be afraid to ask.

Viper.

Edited February 25, 2006 by Viper

[Suze]

This isn,t happiness, you must try to find yours.Thinking of you take care <'>

[Kathryn]

Tally,

 

<'> <'> <'> <'>

 

This is a brave decision. Very very best wishes for tomorrow and stay in touch with us.

 

K x

[smiley]

Tally <'>

 

Viper is right - this is abuse. I was in an extremely abusive relationship for 10 years, the hard part is realizing you have to leave (it is not your fault, you will not change him) deciding to leave was one of the hardest things i've ever been through - but, i did get through it and i'm so glad i did. You have your Dad and i'm sure others to support you through this (And us ).

 

I'm now in a great relationship with a man who protects and cares for me, not frighten me. You deserve the same <'>

 

Huge hugs <'> <'>

 

PM me if you'd like to chat.

[DaisyProudfoot]

Tally, my friend went through a similar abusive relationship and I suggested she leave him, he beat her and everything and all she could say was "I can't leave him, I love him."

 

Eventually I persuaded her to leave him, she did, found a much nicer man and her children are far more settled too.

 

Please get away from him ... this is not love. People who love don't do this. Go with your dad if you believe this is the right thing to do.

[annie]

Tally,

 

Try and stay strong for tomorrow.

 

Annie

<'> <'>

[Tally]

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot.

 

I am feeling a bit better after I got some sleep, and had a long talk with my mum. I feel awful, my parents have done so much for us, but they aren't angry with me.

[DaisyProudfoot]

You know your parents would never be angry with you <'> <'> <'> This is not your fault.

 

Only you can make the right decision. Take care

[hev]

tally,been thinking about you all day,hope you are ok tonight,my sister went through hell but shes very happy now,there was light at the end of her tunnel and there will be for you,take care of yourself love hev xx

[oracle]

Tally - only just found this thread <'>

 

Been there done that and left the building. The next step for me was seeping in the same room as my two sons with a cricket bat underneath my bed When I finally did decided to leave, and believe me it was not easy, it took my hubby three days to realise that we were no longer living with him He had been on a bender and was not sober enough to even take in that myself and his sons were not in the house.

 

It was hard I spent a year living back with my parents. I almost gave in and went back to him but I knew deep inside that he would never change and he has not. I did move on and remarried after living with hubby number 2 for quite a few years. I was not taking any chances second time around.

 

If you ever want to speak off the forum please pm me

 

<'> <'> <'> Carole

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Tally,

 

He sounds like a child that never grew up......and expects you to be his mother.......but would it be acceptable to speak to his mother like that...........no way...

 

What gives him the right to treat you like a second rate citizen, a door mat.

 

Be strong Tally, from what you have said - you deserve a whole lot better than this.......

 

<'> <'> <'> one day you will thank yourself for getting out of this abusive relationship. I know it is really hard at the moment. We will all be praying for your strength to stand up and do what is best for you.

 

His behaviour is totally UNACCEPTABLE.

 

Be strong Tally

No wonder you feel the way you do..........your mind and body is telling you. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.....

 

You need all the help and support you can get at the moment, and it is available to you.

 

Love Hailey

xx

Edited February 26, 2006 by hallyscomet

[cmuir]

Hi

 

You really are having a tough time of it. I think that a person can only ever take so much c**p before reaching breaking point. I know it's much easier said than done, but you don't sound like you have a sympathetic or supportive partner. For your own sanity, I think you'd be doing the right thing by going home with your dad. I think horrendous situations like yours, will end up making you a stronger person when you come out the end. You need a really big pat on the back for recognising you're in a nightmare of a situation and trying to get out of it ? can be difficult to do anything and can end up stuck in a rut (also change can be scary!). You don't deserve to be treated in the way that you are being by your partner. Your ME won't help matters either and you really do need to look after yourself and be looked after in return when needed. There will be light at the end of the tunnel! Best of luck!

 

Caroline.

[phasmid]

Tally, I don't know when you might get a chance to read this but I just hope that when you do your happy and safe.

 

Wherever you are right now, take care.

[mossgrove]

Tally

 

Best of luck. You are doing the right thing.

 

We will be here if you need us.

 

<'> <'>

 

Simon

[Tally]

He sounds like a child that never grew up......and expects you to be his mother.......but would it be acceptable to speak to his mother like that...........no way...

 

What gives him the right to treat you like a second rate citizen, a door mat.

 

This is exactly it. I've been behaving like a door mat, which hasn't helped, but since I stopped that and started to make him take some responsibilities, he doesn't like it.

 

Today I met my dad half way between our houses, at Stonehenge (it's the biggest henge in the world, you know )

 

He's coming to my house on Tuesday afternoon. He's bringing 2 friends. It's going to look like the Mafia have turned up.

 

If Hubby will leave and let me stay in the house, that is what I would like - my life, my job is here. I will be financially better off without him. It was my parents' gift to me that allowed us to buy the house, and despite earning less I've been paying more of the bills (all documented) so he'd have a hard time claiming a 50% share of the house. If I have to move somewhere smaller, that's fine - there are flats available for 60% the value of our house. This way there's also the possibility that we can try again, if he can prove to me that the drinking and spending is under control . . . but I'm not holding my breath.

 

If Hubby will not leave, I will go home with my dad on Wednesday. I will get the gas/electric/water cut off. Hubby refuses to use the telephone (which will also be cut off anyway), or open mail addressed to him. Even if he does get the supplies reinstated, he will not open and pay the bills anyway. He will live off takeaway and beer, get drunk, and sleep in his own vomit on the bathroom floor (not for the 1st time either). He will not manage, and he will run out of money very quickly. Then he will have to sell the house and move back to his parents, and I will sue his butt for a large proportion of it anyway.

 

So he'd be best to just go to his parents now. I can stay with my dad's friend near to here for a week or so, give Hubby time to move out.

 

My dad and I are going to see my in-laws. It's not going to be like what happened in Eastenders last week though - at least I hope not. We are just going to explain what's happening, and why. We are also going to explain the options, so hopefully they will persuede him to just move now.

 

Tonight I have to explain this to my boss, who will be most annoyed if I just disappear on Wednesday. Tonight could end up being my last shift. I am supposed to give a week's notice, and I'm a bit worried abot not having a reference. It's not really something you want to have to explain to a stranger in an interview. But that's not a priority.

 

Either way, I am going to be offline for a week or so, starting Wednesday. But don't worry, cos I am going to be OK. I will be either with my parents, or with their friends.

Edited February 26, 2006 by Tally

[oracle]

Tally - I tried to get my hubby to leave but he would'nt budge and at the end of the day your personal safety and your sanity are more important than any house on this planet.

 

I did eventually get back to my house but it took a year and he was forced to move. I did not however like what I found and had to start from scratch but I did not mind, You can not put a price on a piece of mind.

 

Please be assured that everyone here is sending you much love and positive vibes - you can do this girl and we all are all behind you.

 

<'> <'> <'> take good care of you and yours

 

Carole

Edited February 26, 2006 by carole

[Viper]

Tally,you sound so positive and in control. Good for you. The only bit that worries me is when you say you can try again. Men like this don't change, I tried again with my partner and he soon went back to the way he was. He saw it as a weakness and said I was nothing without him and that's why I went back.

Good luck with your new life and let us know how you are as soon as possible. Take care, I'll be thinking of you. <'>

Viper.

[smiley]

Tally You sound so much happier already - well done you!

 

As far as the house etc goes - i've been down that route. The CAB were very helpful. Make sure you keep a hold of all those documents - do your parents have some evidence of the gift? Keep hold of it. If he doesn't leave, and you have to - you can go through the courts to sell the house. It's not as scary as it sounds - i had a great solicitor who helped me through it.

 

One thing to keep in mind (- and it may be different for you -) i stayed in 'our' house. But, because the house was owned by both of us - he could gain acess whenever he wanted. He broke in through countless lots of locks and would turn up at the end of my bed in the middle of the night - he also turned the house upside down when i was out. I don't want to worry or frighten you hun, just maybe give it some thought <'> .

 

Still here if you want to chat <'>

 

Will be thinking of you. xxxxxx

[loulou]

Hi,

 

My friend has just been through similar with her husband. He wouldn't leave their house and wouldn't even let her back in to get the kids toys or bedding . He changed the locks and when she went round to get her stuff he tried to run her over .

 

Anyway, she went into a refuge and has now been given a council house. Her husband drank himself silly, lost his job and now their house. My friend said she doesn't care about the house, because she and her kids are now safe and happy.

 

Things will work out for you too.

 

Loulou x

Edited February 26, 2006 by loulou

[rainbow queen]

<'> <'> hi tally

hope your ok

i split up with my boys dad because of mental/physical abuse

it was very hard to do

i hope you get support to help you,and get a solicitor,womens aid can get you a support worker to help you-counselling ect...

i was in the relationship for 5 years,and had to go to court alot and have police involved[had panic button in my house],ended up with a life time court order agaisnt him from coming near me or the boys or in a radius near my house or my parents.

it was a nightmare and you should be proud of yourself for leaving,cause i know its not as easy as it looks.

please take care luv marie x <'>

 

 

good forum i have used in past is http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk

lots of womens experiences of leaving on there, also ones who are trying to leave ,and ones who still live with it.it helps not to feel alone in this and to accept help -because you need extra support to give u the strength to get through it-take one day at a time,and keep in mind you r doing the right thing-u do not deserve this kind of life for the next 10 years so get out now .xxx

Edited February 26, 2006 by rainbow queen

[tmf]

Hi Tally

 

You sound like such a strong person! What a nasty man to be with, no1 deserves to be treated in this manner, whether it's physical or emotional, the scars they carry are the same.

 

I have never been in this situation, well not to this severity anyway so can't even begin to understand what you are going through, but i can sympathise and send you lots of <'> <'> <'> !!

 

Looking at the work issue, you say you work for a supermarket.....Is this Tesco's?? If is let me know, i am a manager there and can give you advice on how to be with them and what to expect in return. Pm if u like?

 

Anyway hope the next few days go your way, will be thinking of you and for you.

 

Take care

 

tmf

xx

[Tally]

I don't work for Tesco. But my dad has been a supermarket manager, although not the firm I work for either, and he's helped me work out what to tell my supervisor this evening.

 

If he leaves I am going to get the locks changed ASAP, and get a couple of big bolts fitted to the front and back doors. He could break in by smashing a window, but I can't protect myself from everything.

[Brook]

Tally,

 

Just sending some of these <'> <'> to you at this difficult time.

 

Brook <'> <'>

[oracle]

Tally you will still be living with the fear factor if you stay and change the locks. I tried that once and ended up having to call the police. The upset it caused the boys was unbelievable. I did try to leave a few times and once my ex even threatened suicide and we ended up with the Police Helicopter out looking for him. He was pi***d out of his brains on board his boat drifting around out at sea. The Lifeboat brought him back to shore. The Police took one look at him and told me to lock the door and not let him in - but I did because I was too afraid not to and nothing changed. At least at your parents home you have protection.

 

I'm not trying to tell you what to do believe me but it's worth thinking about.

 

<'> Carole

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi Tally

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.....sending you some of these. <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

One day you will thank yourself ....... I know its not easy, but be strong

 

Hailey

x <'>

[asereht]

Tally.... <'> <'> <'>

[hev]

tally,as you can see you have a lot of people thinking of you,take care love hev <'> <'>

[KarenT]

Tally, only just found this - a bit behind the times with half term last week.

 

The hardest part in situations like this is making the decision to act. Now that you've done that you should gain the confidence to follow through. I wish you well - it's a hard thing you're doing but you can't stay in a situation like that and I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

Wishing you luck.

 

Karen

x

[Tally]

He was very hurt, but he is out of the house for now. We are still talking, but I just don't know if we can find a solution. I feel pretty awful at the moment and can't stop crying.

[rainbow queen]

tally love -you shouldnt be worrying about him feeling very hurt

what about all the hurt hes caused you and your children??

dont let him make u feel guilty

check out the hidden hurt site/forum theres loads of helpfull info on there

what support have u got so far in helping u?