Does anyone's child become more upset and agitated

[Bagpuss]

We've recently noticed with our youngest dd (5 ASD) that she is more upset and agitated when we are together as a whole family. Its strange that we didn't put 2 and 2 together before now TBH. Her moods and personality can alter so drastically, and we believed it was just how she was feeling that particular day. However, thru out the school hols we have most definately become aware that when she is with just me or just dh she is calmer than when she is with us both. She tends to scream "shut up, shut up" if we have a conversation in the same room as her, and will become upset and tearful very quickly. She is also so much more happier if she is only with one of her siblings, rather than both. I don't think its an attention difficulty.....I'm now beginning to wonder if it has anything to do with sensory sensitivities....in that maybe she feels overloaded with noise, talking, movement, hussle and bussle etc. We have also had difficulties going out as a family, and tend to split up...and again, I'm now beginning to wonder if this is the same sccenario. It certainly seems to make sense, and would explain why she is calmer on a day out if she is only with me or dh. I've also had some lovely days out with her and my eldest dd during the hols...just the 3 of us (ds doesn't want to come on family days out anymore and dh at work). Yet our summer hols was distrastrous and we had to come home after two nights because she was so upset and agitated. Would be interested to know if anyone else has found the same within their family? Thanks

[brooke]

Hi Bagpuss

I have not thought about this before but now that i have quite oftern my son goes hyper when his dad gets in from work its like as soon as the door opens he goes beserk!! If i go out on my own with him its normally ok but its so bad going out as a family that we have given up it really is just too much as we have two younger ones. Im not sure what triggers his hypers but what you have mentioned has struck a cord.

Brooke

[jb1964]

Hi Bagpuss,

 

My daughter (13yr) is definitely calmer when 1:1 in the house - when everyone is there it's like overload. Also, when she is generally anxious/stressed i.e. before school starts (Sunday night/this past 2 weeks before school/hair wash/shopping etc) she also scales up a level as soon as the little one (3yr) enters the room. She does cope better with fewer people around - but that goes the same for everywhere - school/shopping/holidays etc, if she's in school and the rest of the class have gone on the school trip and there's only about dozen of them left - usually in the IT room all day - she has a great day.

 

Take care,

Jb

[oracle]

I put it down to sensory overload myself. When we are altogether both Matthew and David are very OTT. David is now 19 and he is either hyper or can still on occasion tell everyone to shut up. It's the same with Matthew. I know for a fact that David finds it very difficult to take in anything when there is all sorts going on around him. So if he is in a room where more than one conversation is taking place or where there is a TV on then he quickly overloads. Matthew is the same and if we try to talk while he watching a programme he always tells us to shut up.

[Brook]

Hi Bagpuss,

 

I was amazed to read this post, as me and hubby have been saying the exact same thing about

our son .

 

If he is in with just me or just hubby he is relatively calm, but when we are all in (me, hubby and

two kids) then he gets really agitated and can start shouting and screaming at the drop of a hat!!

It's the same if we all go out together, there is too much hustle and bustle.

 

I put it down to the house being much busier when everyone is in, also my son likes to know where

everyone is in the house and what's going on, so if we are all mulling about this makes it much

harder work for him. He also doesn't like different conversations going on indoors, he flits from

one room to another not really knowing where to settle. He is also like this when family come to

visit, he gets really panicky and stressed.

 

If he is in on his own with me, he will quite happily sit and read his dr who mags whilst I watch TV,

I think it's because he knows where I am and he can settle because there is not too much going

on in the house.

I strongly think with my son it's the processing of what's going on around him that gets too much,

the talking, the moving people, the tv blarring, the phone going etc.. etc...

 

I still cant get over your post!! most uncanny!!

 

Brook

[Brook]

Oracles post crossed with mine, pretty similar dont you think.

 

Brook

[oracle]

Oracles post crossed with mine, pretty similar dont you think.

 

Brook - I am beginning to think that you and I and our families have been cloned

 

Oracle

Edited August 31, 2006 by oracle

[karin]

i think our familys must all be cloned the same exactly like our family bagpuss it has got worse and worse as the summer has gone on with my 2 dds oldest twin will sit in his room on his own for quite a long time especially if we all settle down at night to watch some tv unless the bill is on then he will come and sit with us,if he asks to do something and we say no he will ask you the same question about 60 times in half an hour he said today he just keeps repeating himself and cant help it,also we have not gone shopping as a family for years its just too stressful for us all roll on school next week cant wait keep smilin luv karin

[lynyona]

Kieran will leave a room when other people come, in visiting family members etc or will just sit there saying nothing.yet if dh as been to work he is ott when he gets in bombarding him with useless information and to say they wind each other up its not long before an outburst ensues.

 

 

 

lynn

[lynyona]

Kieran will leave a room when other people come, in visiting family members etc or will just sit there saying nothing.yet if dh as been to work he is ott when he gets in bombarding him with useless information and to say they wind each other up its not long before an outburst ensues.

 

 

 

lynn

[dooday24]

REECE IS EXACTLY THE SAME GOES INTO OTT MODE OR MELTDOWN IF WE R ALL TOGETHER ALOT CALMER ON 1-1

[Bagpuss]

Thanks for your replies <'>

 

I'm intrigued that some have mentioned their children becoming upset by visitors....because this is something we've also recently become aware of too. DH's sister and hubby are coming to stay on Sunday, just for the one night. We don't have regular visitors TBH, just my mum who comes on a weekly basis, other relatives we see maybe once/twice a year. DD loves my mum coming and gets really excited, but when I mentioned dh's sis and hubby coming on Sunday our dd's eyes filled with tears, her bottom lip started trembling and she was so, so upset. I sat and hugged her and tried to reassure her....she seemed to calm when she knew they would only be staying the one night, but she was scared they may look at her or talk to her. She doesn't know them that well, as they have a dog (dd terrified of them)and live the other end of the country to us, so dh has tended to visit them occasionally with our eldest two. The last time dd saw them she was a toddler, so has no memory of them and this is the first time they've visited us since dd was born. I also was aware that when some good friends of ours had a baby last year, our dd was continually checking that they wouldn't visit, worried that the baby would cry.....if I reassured her that they weren't planning to visit she visibly calmed down. She'd recently been given a Baby Annabel and the crying had sent her into a desperate state......and I think the thought of another crying baby was too much for her to cope with. Luckily I've been able to visit these friends alone so far. Really unsure how our dd would react should they plan to visit us..

 

You know I've just read this post thru before clicking Add Reply and its just struck me how much dh and I alter/change/plan our environment without even giving it much thought.

[hev]

steve definately behaves different when we are alltogether,he just cannot handle it at all,his favourite times are when hes left on his own for an hour or so,loves the peace i think,no good with more than one other person,much prefers 1 2 1

[aro]

weird, just been noticing how dd seems less able to cope with groups over the hols, family get togethers are becoming a nightmare. She seems ok with small groups of adults, but throw in a young child

Starting to panic that she will have trouble going back to nursery after the hols!

A x

[badonkadonk]

I know I don't have children myself, but I have similar problems to your kids so here's my perspective. When I have to be around more than say, 2 or 3 people at a time, especially in an enclosed social situation such as friends visiting (when everyone is kinda expected to sit in the living room) I get very irritable, agitated and upset.

 

The main reason for this is my loathing and complete mis-understanding of "small-talk". I'm very black and white in my thinking and so I can never get past the fact that these people who are trying to make "small-talk" with me, find out how I am, what I'm doing...I can't get past the fact that I know and they know they don't really want to be talking to me. It's just something that people do apparently, but I don't understand it, I find it hard to sit there and feign interest whilst knowing they are only feigning interest back. Also when I was younger I found it even harder to do this...talk about myself at the same time, because I didn't really understand myself then, didn't want to bore people and talk about myself when I knew that 60% of the time they really didn't want to listen to me at all, let alone talk about myself. And also I knew once I finished talking they would start talking about themselves and then I would somehow have to fake being interested, even though I knew fully well that I have a tendancy to drift off or not be able to hide how I am feeling becomming spread all over my face. Also because I don't do the things that most people do, or expect me to do, conversation can be quite difficult at times, especially when they used to ask if I'd been out with my friends much over the school holidays. Trying to explain that I don't actually like most people, let alone people my age who were usually a lot more immature than me, used to prompt the response "Oh, I'm sure you'll find yourself a nice friends soon" or "you've just got to try a bit harder". Nothing against friends and family, it's how everyone is raised, to ask these questions and conform to expectations....I just don't fit is all.

 

Also in these situations the overall volume of noise in the house increases and I still find this difficult to cope with, I like my environments quiet except for noises I want to tolerate and create myself. If I am watching television or trying to sit quietly and read a book, if people are having a conversation nearby it drives me to distraction. To the point where I cannot read my book, unlike most people who, while they might not appreciate the conversation, have the ability to switch off and get on with reading.

 

The thought of strangers being in my comfort zone is also unappealing, I'm very tidy and hygenic and I dislike the thought of other people using the bathroom or making a mess in places. I was also raised to be quite houseproud and so become upset when a big effort is made by people to get the house immaculate for when the guests arrive, but the very next day I have to watch as the house deteriorates into its normal mess again. I fail to understand why the effort is made for their arrival, but is not expected to be maintained at that level for the duration of their stay. Again, it's the black and white thinking.

 

Lastly, visitors coming to the house be it for an hour or a weekend is one of the most exhausting things I have to live through because for the time they are here I have to try and be "normal" to fit in so that I don't upset anyone or make the guests feel uncomfortable. I'm expected to sit around in the living and join in conversations when all I really crave is the comfort of my bedroom and the quietness. I'm also most likely chomping at the bit to get back to doing whatever it is I'm obsessed with currently. I also dislike people looking at me for some reason, I hate being scrutinised to see whether I've put on weight since they last saw me, to look how I'm dressing or how my hair is. It's also a no win situation if the person is aware of my AS, as usually they just know I'm autistic and don't know what this means and so I get people talking to me as if I'm both deaf and stupid. Over-exaggerating everything they say and talking really slowly. Or being incredibly patronising. I have an IQ higher than most of these people, it's not big headedness, it's just fact and ignorance on their behalf. The fact of the matter is, I don't like small-talk, find sarcasm and people telling jokes confusing, take people literally and now, as I get older, am wiser and wiser to people telling lies all the time. I became very good at analysing body language because I knew that I couldn't take what people say word for word, as such I can see when someone says something they don't mean or says something with a hidden agenda underneath. I have a tendancy to not control the fact that I know this and then it hurts their pride/ego/intelligance that I figured this out and drama ensues.

 

So, maybe some of this applies to your children and you can take this into account now when you think about why they might become more agitated around strangers or even family and friends. I rarely put myselves in these situations anymore, and if I do I stay for as long as I can tolerate, or have frequent quiet breaks in between. If guests stay at home I mostly spend half an hour downstairs with them and then I slip away and go back to doing my own thing. If I have to go to a family function such as a party, I sometimes go for an hour mid-evening and that's that or I go very early on, leave for an hour or two in the middle and go back home and then go back down later in the evening. Mostly I just don't go at all, and while this may seem unacceptable as it isn't what most people do, I'm not most people and it actually makes me happier and those around me happier to know that I am at my happiest sat at home in my pyjamas in total quiet, knowing everyone is having as good a time as me somewhere else!

 

I would suggest that you ask your children to say hello (I have to be reminded as saying hello isn't something that comes naturally to me) and show their faces, but ultimately put no pressure on them to take part in the social activity. Explain to your guests about your child's needs and anxiety in social situations and make sure you state that it's not the guests they dislike, it's conversations and the like that they find hard work.

 

Right, time for bed, falling asleep typing again!! Hope this makes some sense!

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

[Frangipani]

Agitated and upset lets not go there......

 

Just say we have our coping strategies yeah we are a clone of the above too

 

<'>

[Bagpuss]

Thanks again for your replies

 

Badonkadonk, really appreciate you sharing with me your experiences. It helps give me an insight into how my children may be feeling.

[col]

DD8 has a hard time with her little brother. Anything goes wrong or missing it's constantly HIS fault. Even if she's responsible. Her stims have really come noticable over the holidays as well.

[elaine1]

our son isnt too bad when were all in the same room, but if we all go to someone elses house he is very agitated. he usually goes into their garden and stays there till the visit is over. When we go shopping we usually split up, i hate that really cos it means me and dh cant enjoy it together.

 

also we find that if our son doesnt think hes going to benefit from the shopping trip he wants to stay at home. He is 13 now and is quite capable of doing so, he wont answer the door or house phone just his mobile cos i usually check him with my mobile. He is usually found where we left him but i worry all the time we are out and obviously our shopping is very swift and hurried, so our daughter gets agitated - you cant please everyone!!!!!

[Fagsandbooze]

either i'm autistic or you are normal, who knows?

[Klou]

We have exactly the same problems regarding conversations and people overload. Makes family holidays and christmas very hard work and weekends stressful. Anyone got any suggestions for how to deal with this - it is the thing that takes us to breaking point most frequently....I would love to sort it out.