Do you shout too much?

[Einstein]

Some days I feel like the only way to get through to my children is to shout at them to get them to do anything I say. It seems the only way. My nerves can't cope and I feel there has to be another way.

 

I have a whole shelf full of parenting books and they say time and time again to remain calm at all times which I find impossible. Getting them to get dressed, put on their shoes, come to the table to eat can take anything from 1/2 and hour to an hour!

 

How do cope with stress? I do try and leave enough time to get ready but somehow its never "enough" if you catch my drift.

 

A bit of a ramble!

[Lynden]

Funny enough I dont yell much at Logan because I know there's no point - I do however yell at my NT daughter (I do try not to but someitimes she's so exasperating!! She is 5 going on 15!! LOL

 

Lynne x

[PinkSapphire]

I think we all shout more than we would like to.

I do and then end up feeling bad about it, especially with my youngest who is nearly 5 too.

 

I always talk to them calmly afterwards and say sorry if I think I was over the top and explain why.

[brooke]

My mum says i shout too much but like you i find it so stressful, i have started to try and count before i shout and explain more why he shouldnt do something but its hard when he is beating up his younger brothers

[jb1964]

To be honest I don't shout very much at all - it get's me absolutely no where and usually causes my daughter to flip even more or she just confuses me until my brain feels like a lump of jelly (it's like being cross examined in a witness stand and I can't remember who said what or why!!!)

 

But I do feel like I'm forever nagging or keeping on - about coming off the computer every two minutes, or putting their litter in the bin or hurry up for this or why haven't you done that etc etc - very often I say that I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice keeping on and on because she does nothing 'now' if you know what I mean.

 

Take care,

Jb

[Faithnomore]

Some days I feel like the only way to get through to my children is to shout at them to get them to do anything I say. It seems the only way. My nerves can't cope and I feel there has to be another way.

 

I have a whole shelf full of parenting books and they say time and time again to remain calm at all times which I find impossible. Getting them to get dressed, put on their shoes, come to the table to eat can take anything from 1/2 and hour to an hour!

 

How do cope with stress? I do try and leave enough time to get ready but somehow its never "enough" if you catch my drift.

 

A bit of a ramble!

 

Sounds like a school morning in my house, my kids always have me at breaking point by 8:35 am and I have exactly the problem at bed time. I don't cope and spend alot of my days feeling wound up and ready to blow again, not to mention the almost permanent tension headaches! I'm looking forward to when DS1 goes back to school in Sept(been out since oct '06), then I can go and destress on my allotment all on my own - taking DS1 with me only adds to my stress levels.

[rach04]

i shout all the time it feels when the kids are at home. i do feel bad about it but with j being my eldest his noisyness and behaviour is starting to rub off on the others. if i have a little chat with 1 the other 2 start messing about again and if i have all 3 for a chat j starts giggling sooooo winds me up. ive tried going out the room to calm down and they get worse. Theres only me at home and they know just which way to wind me.i get migraines all the time. god how am i gonna cope with the holidays

[Clareo2003]

I'd hate to be my neighbours! I dont shout all the time but when i do...

 

Tyler shouts all the time!

 

I do however feel like i nag constantly 24/7 but i know if i didnt things would be even worse withing the household!

[Bard]

I'm not perfect, honest, and I'm not criticising anyone here, and we do have disagreements in our family. Please don't all shout at me...

but I don't shout in my house when I'm cross.

I really don't.

If B has gone Deep Purple, or he and his sister are arguing, then me shouting would just up the noise level.

If I shout at B, he mirrors and shouts back. So when I'm furious with him, I lower my voice and use very little intonation. I speak slowly and clearly with visual signals to make him focus.

If he's beyond listening, I send him to his room and deal with him later, when he can hear me again.

I treat my NT daughter the same way, and she could talk and argue for England. I don't swear either, not out loud! We have very clear rules and ways that things are done in my house, and because it has always been so, I don't need to go over and over things. We also agree things and then stick to the agreement, so 'It's not fair' is not often said. This goes for the adults as well, keeping promises and sticking to rules, I mean. I don't know if I'm explaining things very well, but we have a sort of civilised and tolerant atmosphere most of the time.

And shouting?

I use it to warn of dangers, to call people back if I need them. If I yell at B, he will be some distance from me, freeze, look at me to see what the next signal is...stop what you're doing, stay still, come here...

Think One Girl And Her Dog

I'm not being smug, or judgemental in any way. Shouting doesn't work for me and B as a way of getting things done. I am, however, ancient, and I've been teaching forever. Including in places where if you diss'd people by shouting at them, you'd better not turn your back. So I have other strategies.

[hev]

i def shout too much,i nag as well,i sound like an old fishwife,it doesnt achieve anything so i dont know why i do it

[mumble_rocks]

My mum shouts but by shouting she just makes me more angry as then there is pain as well so I shout back! Gets us no where!

[krystaltps]

I used to shout, but I don't really do it anymore. When C was little, and I shouted at him, he'd either shout back or hit me and it only made the twins frightened. I think as time went by, I gradually just accepted that "normal" family life was not for us - but what we have is "normal" for us, and I've stopped trying to do things like visit people or have friends round, so there is less to get stressed about. On the very rare occasions when I give in and think s** it! and raise my voice, C gets so distressed and hides, or enters meltdown mode. So, I know that shouting will only make matters worse, although it is not easy.

He knows now that if I say to him in a very low voice to leave the room, he's pushed me too far - and I'm on the verge of shouting. The low voice seems to be a better indicator than facial expression for C, and the time apart gives us both a chance to calm down. Have to admit though - it doesn't always work that way.

[Eva]

I rarely shout these days - my son with AS doesn't understand what it is exactly I'm shouting about. He gets upset because I raise my voice, and demands I apologise for shouting - he doesn't connect whatever he did to me being angry. I have to speak in a normal, calm voice to get my point across - very tricky at times!

 

Cheers,

Eva

[lorryw]

ME?....SHOUT......NEVER!!!

Once I start I really cant stop. I know I sound like a fishwife but once Im in full flow theres no stopping me.

[llisa32]

I try really hard to never shout these days.....some days I don't manage it and then I have to kick myself for losing another hour or two to sprog tantrum. If I shout he will majorly sulk or have a worse paddy than the one he was having that made me shout in the first place! - hope that makes sense

 

He'll put his hands over his ears and curl into a ball, or hide on bottom bunk of bed where I can't see him or just throw a blanket over himself in disgust at me!

 

So in our house we try the gritted teeth and even tone, and distraction route ...sometimes I fail which means I donate mysef an extra bar of chocolate once it's all died down!

[Bagpuss]

I found I shouted more when I had only the one child (son NT).....yet when I then had another, found I rarely shouted at eldest dd, unsure why, but always felt there was never any deliberate defiance in her I suppose. She always seemed abit "different" if that makes sense, as if there was never intent to be naughty or challenging, so she was very easy to parent, and I rarely even raised my voice with her. With our youngest dd I felt totally deranged, she just totally ignored me, and would challenge EVERYTHING she was asked to do, usually with lots of screaming and crying. I felt helpless and yes I would shout, from my own frustration, not because I felt it would help, or encourage her, or help with discipiline....I'd reached the end of my tether and snapped. Always felt awful afterwards......now I don't shout so much. I tend to try to stay calm. I find I never shout at ds now (he's 13) as we can chat about issues and resolve them, yes he's at that stroppy teenage stage, when he huffs and puffs, but he's a lovely lad, and he will generally listen. Eldest dd is still easy to parent, and I rarely shout at her still....again, on the rare occasions it does happen, its usually through my own frustration when dealing with something like how her shoes feel ( I know, I know, I should deal with it better, but there are some days when it all feels........bleh). As for youngest dd.........hmmm............still find there are times when I snap, and end up shouting. It does absolutely no good whatsoever, and if anything, only makes a difficult situation worse. I'm learning, as we go along, and I've also found the older I've become the less agitated I am, and the less I shout, just feel calmer all round I suppose, which rubs off on home life. I'm far more patient and laid back now, then I was when I first became a parent, and unsure if that's just an age thing, the fact the girls have special needs, or just from having 3 children

[oxgirl]

I used to shout a fair bit when Jay was younger and I feel awful about it now, looking back. I never shout now. Don't know if that's just a matter of me maturing or learning to cope better or me being more understanding about his problems or what really. It wasn't a conscious decision to stop shouting, it just kind of happened over time really. He is very sensitive to me getting cross now too and if I speak sternly to him or get annoyed or frown at him then he gets very scared and anxious and distressed and I wonder if that's a result of me letting out my frustrations in front of him when he was younger.

 

I do shout a lot when I'm alone, though! Some days I walk into the house and just let my frustrations out and let rip and I storm around the house yelling and cursing at the top of my voice, but I know my anger won't affect anyone else so I feel safe to let it all out, I suppose. Sometimes I realize the window has been open and I wonder what on earth the neighbours must think, but it's my way of letting off steam, I guess.

 

~ Mel ~

[caren]

I'm not perfect, honest, and I'm not criticising anyone here, and we do have disagreements in our family. Please don't all shout at me...

but I don't shout in my house when I'm cross.

I really don't.

If B has gone Deep Purple, or he and his sister are arguing, then me shouting would just up the noise level.

If I shout at B, he mirrors and shouts back. So when I'm furious with him, I lower my voice and use very little intonation. I speak slowly and clearly with visual signals to make him focus.

If he's beyond listening, I send him to his room and deal with him later, when he can hear me again.

I treat my NT daughter the same way, and she could talk and argue for England. I don't swear either, not out loud! We have very clear rules and ways that things are done in my house, and because it has always been so, I don't need to go over and over things. We also agree things and then stick to the agreement, so 'It's not fair' is not often said. This goes for the adults as well, keeping promises and sticking to rules, I mean. I don't know if I'm explaining things very well, but we have a sort of civilised and tolerant atmosphere most of the time.

And shouting?

I use it to warn of dangers, to call people back if I need them. If I yell at B, he will be some distance from me, freeze, look at me to see what the next signal is...stop what you're doing, stay still, come here...

Think One Girl And Her Dog

I'm not being smug, or judgemental in any way. Shouting doesn't work for me and B as a way of getting things done. I am, however, ancient, and I've been teaching forever. Including in places where if you diss'd people by shouting at them, you'd better not turn your back. So I have other strategies.

 

I'm same never shout and if a rare time comes up the kids know its something very serious , K can't cope with noise so i try and keep the house as calm as i can ( very hard with 8 kids ) but I know where your coming from

[shamu]

I try not to shout as it just doesn't help DS. He thinks it's funny which kind of defeats the object. Instead, I have a firm tone I use and simple language. So I would say "Down" if he was climbing onto the dining table for the 14th time He sometimes gets upset if me and DH are having "words" and tries to come between us to stop us.....

I'm not perfect either - I've been quite frustrated with DD recently as she insists on putting her hands in her nappy when I'm changing her. She also laughs at me if I raise my voice so I just have to distract her.

At the end of the day it's about doing what feels right for you and your family - there aren't any badges/awards in the parenting world!

Shamu

[UltraMum]

I shout and then tell DH off for shouting

[Gardenia]

Do I Shout Too Much

YEEEEESSSSS

[shortcake]

yes daily dont know why as it realy does get me nowhere and the old choices and calm talking work better but sometimes i just cant help it!!

[dooday24]

i shout too much then feel really guilty. but sometimes im at the end of my tether and mostly sleep deprived.

but i wish i didnt do it at all

love donnaxxxxxxxxxxx

[becci]

i dont shout anymore.it just results in aaron hanging out the window screaming at people to call the police!!!!!

[smiley]

Nope - not much shouting going on here either. Only to warn of danger, or to call him if he's upstairs....... He knows when i've had enough, because my voice gets quieter and i use his full name!

 

Definately not being smug - although i don't think shouting at little monkey would help in the slightest, in other areas of my life i'm not forcefull either - bit of a doormat sometimes. I don't stand and fight - i crumple . I need the opposite of anger management classes!

[mrs.ddh]

But I do feel like I'm forever nagging or keeping on - about coming off the computer every two minutes, or putting their litter in the bin or hurry up for this or why haven't you done that etc etc - very often I say that I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice keeping on and on because she does nothing 'now' if you know what I mean.

 

 

I do the same with mine, forever having to nag - and I always thought I should just get some kind of recording device with which I could push the red button for 'Did you make your bed?' and a blue one for 'Why haven't you put your plate in the kitchen?' and another colored button for this, and another for that...saves me from having to repeat myself...

 

Smiley Definately not being smug - although i don't think shouting at little monkey would help in the slightest, in other areas of my life i'm not forcefull either - bit of a doormat sometimes. I don't stand and fight - i crumple unsure.gif . I need the opposite of anger management classes!

 

 

So there with you Smiley - I am a doormat when it comes to my teenage daughter! Screaming does not help when she is in the middle of a hissy fit...I sometimes wonder if I were less calm and patient then she would be less prone to exhibiting and exhibiting her emotions...

 

 

shamu He sometimes gets upset if me and DH are having "words" and tries to come between us to stop us.....

 

I get the same thing with my son (14 ASD) - he cannot tolerate it if hubby and I are having "words" or even if we are not happy - it pains him way too much. He too will do whatever he can to make sure things are kopesetic (sp?)... It's as if it is okay for him to become angry or upset (rare though for him - he does not often exhibit much emotion) but he cannot tolerate us having emotions.

 

 

And to all those on this thread who have admitted to shouting - hey, right there with you! And you know what? When I do start shouting, I find it tends to calm things down. It is the oldest trick in the book, really, as far as I'm concerned...two teenage kids nagging each other taking chunks out of the other fighting, squabbling, etc. etc. etc. and then Mum loses a casket and presto! I become the common enemy and the troops join forces, stop their blooming fighting and get along just fine!

 

ddh

[stressedmumto2]

I admit to shouting, it seems the only way my son takes any notice......

 

He can just about work out when you are really annoyed with his behaviour now by the shouting. I know it's not right but sometimes it has to be done just so I can get him into his room when I am really angry to give me time to calm down an for him to calm down. He will go to his room when I have shouted at him.

 

If I am out with him and he's going into one I mostly stay calm but it's when we return home and he is still kicking off that I need my chance to calm down so I do shout at him to go to his room untill both of us are calm.

 

I don't think I shout that much though, mostly when he is really done something terrible but tend to let alo of the smaller issues go over my head.

 

I know shout8ing is not the ansa but sometimes it's the only choice I feel I have left

[wilson]

Hi,

 

I hardly ever shout at my children. That's not to say that I'm a perfect parent. It's just that shouting doesn't work. My youngest son just shouts back and my eldest goes into a strop followed by the interrogation mode mentioned earlier in this thread. It could be that I.m an older parnt too. Maybe ten years ago I was a little more hot headed.