Do you ever feel sorry for YOURSELF?

[sandyn]

Well do you??? I Sometimes everything gets just a bit too much for everyone.

 

SO HOW DO YOU COPE, because at moment - I am not.

[Clare63]

Frequently.....

 

Mainly because I am so frustrated with lack of understanding and support.....what do I do, rightly or wrongly, I don't know, I indulge myself and have a good cry and feel sorry for myself for a bit, better than bottling it up I guess then I bounce back after a bit.

 

Sorry to hear your feeling down, my advice, don't feel guilty and let it out.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[pookie170]

I think everyone here, whether a parent of an ASD child or on the spectrum themself, has had, and will go on to have, days like this. It sucks, but it goes hand in hand with the unexpectedness of having a kid on the spectrum (or being on it yourself), of having to wrangle for every little ounce of help you get, and of having to deal with the ignorance of others, well-meant or otherwise.

 

And I admit, my own ignorance of the condition as I raised my aspie son did not help matters, but you learn as you go along and it gets easier.

(Until a new problem rears its horrid little head!! )

 

I wish I could say to you, oh its easy- try this, it works wonders, but I can't. However, I have found that having good buddies, both in the physical world and in the ethery vapours of this online haven, has helped enormously. I found it very, very hard to say to my son's psych or our GP, I cannot do this anymore, my head is reeling and I don't think I can sink any lower. I could not ask for help, even though at times everything seemed bleak, pointless & useless. But if you have someone to talk to it can and will get better.

 

I have found myself having to grit my teeth and get help in coping, however, as it all got too much for me. In fact, even now I am on a waiting list tfor stress management as I know I could and should be able to cope better- now that I'm working I find that my reserves are lower and I just need to work out some strategies to help me cope. Maybe it's just that as I get older I care less about what others think of me, but I don't think I could have admitted this to my GP et al at the start of my son's dx process. But as Clare astutely said, bottling it up is not the way to go, it makes matters worse. I hope you know that we understand here, we've all been there and have nothing but empathy. Don't feel guilty, have a rant and know that it's normal and natural to do so.

 

I hope you're on the up soon. Meanwhile, have a hug.. <'>

 

At risk of sounding like a soppy card, I promise it will get better, and we're here for you anytime.

Take care.

 

Esther x

[Bagpuss]

Sandyn <'>

 

I find it difficult to predict my mood day to day if I'm honest, and do have days when it all feels too much. The future scares the living daylights out of me. I worry so much about our youngest, and who will be there for her when we are not. It's a deep cold fear that she may end up being cared for by people who don't love her or have her best interests at heart. I feel that I will leave this world with one thought on my mind, our youngest. We also have to face the real possiblity that we could potentially out live her, depending on how her MD progresses, and I can't even put into words how that makes me feel.

 

I think from my own perspective, it's the lack of support which is so very hard. Having to argue & fight for the most basic things. The lack of understanding of those around us. I really did feel very much alone until I found this forum. Being able to come on here, and see how everyone is doing, how their children are doing, going through the ups and downs with people, being able to talk about problems and ask advice, has been an absolute life saver. Some of the loveliest friends I've made have been via here.

 

I don't know what to advise regarding getting through it, only tell you how it feels for me. I've learnt to take it day by day. If I feel low, I go with it. I don't try to snap myself out of it, or tell myself I'm wrong to feel as I do, or that there are people worse off.......I've learnt that doesn't work. Sometimes we need time to just "be"....and if that means having a day or a few days of feeling like pooh, then so be it. I know it'll pass, it always does. I went through a period of depression, and I think now I'd be able to recognise the signs again.

 

There are no easy answers, but your not alone in how you feel <'>

[Suze]

I know how you feel..........I don,t know if I feel sorry for myself though ?? or if its more to do with feeling sorry for my son............this has been when supposed friends have called him names......when he has been teased .........or when some fool such as a teacher at his old primary school declares to him "there,s nothing wrong with you , your just spoilt"! ...........my feelings of sadness are more to do with my feelings for how society can treat our kids sometimes...........does that make sense ..or maybe thats another subject all together.

[bikergal]

I feel sorry for us all. I'm struggling to cope with dd1 atm. Dd2 has probs with anxiety and low self esteem, dd1 behaves terribly towards her and I know I'm not responding in the appropriate manner but I'm so fed up with dd1 pushing and shoving dd2 around. This is compounded by the fact that dd1 never seems to learn regarding social expectations no matter how I try to explain it to her. No I'm not coping and I expect I'll desperately be knocking at someones door sooner rather than later as we'll soon be a 'family in crisis'.

[Flora]

I don't think I've ever felt sorry for myself... but there have been occasions where I have wept tears of frustration and other times when I've been overcome with grief and sadness for my son.

 

Flora

[Lynden]

I dont think I ever feel sorry for myself either to be honest but I do feel sorry for how quickly my daughter has to grow up and how much she just has to accept that she wouldn't have to otherwise. But I think its making her a better person :-) I dont really feel sorry for Logan either - I do for the frustration he has to deal with, but he doesn't know that he's different from anyone else yet so it doesn't affect him in that way.

 

Lynne x

[ScienceGeek]

I don't think that I necessarily feel sorry for myself as such, more frustrated and tired.

[Mumble]

Hope this doesn't go off the topic here too much - what does feeling sorry for yourself actually feel like? How do you know if you're feeling sorry for yourself and not any of the other things mentioned like fed-up, tired, frustrated, etc.?

 

I know when I was a kid and having what I know are now meltdowns or pre-meltdowns, teachers and others would say, "Oh just ignore Mumble, she's being a silly girl and feeling sorry for herself" and this always used to really really confuse me, because I wasn't sure what I'd done that I was supposed to be sorry about, hence why I would be feeling sorry.

[Bagpuss]

That's a really tricky one to answer. From my own perspective, I'd view myself as feeling sorry myself when I'm dwelling on the negatives in my life, and refusing to see any positives. When I feel a victim, when in reality, I'm far from that. When I feel as if the whole world is against me, when infact it isn't.

 

I'm sure though, that everyone would have a different take on this, and the examples I've given are purely how I would describe myself.

 

Fine line too, between the above, and depression.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Bagpuss

[Bard]

Don't know.

Sometimes I want an off button

Or an isolation tank full of warm water with a lid you can lock from the inside

Or I dream about hibernating for years and years

Then I pick myself up, give myself a shake and eat chocolate.

And I keep plodding on...

[harmony]

Well do you??? I Sometimes everything gets just a bit too much for everyone.

 

SO HOW DO YOU COPE, because at moment - I am not.

 

 

I actually feel sad rather than sorry. Few of our friends are aware of my 12 yr old daughters AS, as only been diagnosed a few weeks. previously they thought of her as a bit odd, but sweet. I have hidden many,many of her behaviours from them, as I kind of hoped she would improve as she got older, but now in puberty she is 100% worse and I know she is always going to be different. Trying to explain her AS to people is going to be hard, and sadly people do judge, we all know that. So I am sad that my beautiful girl is going to have to deal with this forever, I wish it was me, not her. Life is a B.... sometimes!

 

HARMONY

[Tjololo]

I guess the honest answer is YES. Many times; for the holidays that we can't plan or go on, for the places that we can't visit and for all the other things that one supposes other families can spontaneously participate in. I would imagine that it's hard (as a parent, I can't speak about any other group) not to feel sorry for oneself at some point. I don't see any shame in that but I do think these feelings get easier to deal with as time goes on. I guess feeling sorry for oneself arises out of a desire for more freedom but I always remind myself that nobody/family has it all!

[Karen A]

I actually feel sad rather than sorry. Few of our friends are aware of my 12 yr old daughters AS, as only been diagnosed a few weeks. previously they thought of her as a bit odd, but sweet. I have hidden many,many of her behaviours from them, as I kind of hoped she would improve as she got older, but now in puberty she is 100% worse and I know she is always going to be different. Trying to explain her AS to people is going to be hard, and sadly people do judge, we all know that. So I am sad that my beautiful girl is going to have to deal with this forever, I wish it was me, not her. Life is a B.... sometimes!

 

HARMONY

 

Harmony <'> <'> <'> Feeling sad is a very usual feeling to have amongst others so soon after Dx.Many many people here expressed similar feelings at the stage you are at.....it is very normal.Please don't feel bad about it.Karen.

[MichelleW]

To be honest, I don't think I ever feel sorry for myself. I feel angry and frustrated at the system, and I feel sorry for all the parents of children who do not know how to go about getting provision for their child, or do not have the strength to fight the system.

 

Occasionally I feel sorry for DS1, that he has chronic bowel disorder in addition to ASD - but I always think that we could be worse off. I always try to stay positive - even when DS2 is being aggressive, or screaming for an hour because of a slight change to his routine! The positives always outweigh the negatives and I remind myself of that every time I have a "challenging" moment!

[Bard]

Umm, I think I misunderstood this thread ( Got the wrong end of the stick, Mumble)

The bits of my life that I want to run away from, or get fed up about, have nothing to do with ASDs or B.

Paperwork, annoying government directives, other people's rude children, lack of money...having to work really.

 

B and my daughter are the best and shiniest bits in my life, sometimes the only good parts.

It does help that I've not had to fight anyone or any institution properly yet to get what's best for either of them, everyone at school and college has been very proactive, inclusive and good at seeing the individual.

I know that other people here have much tougher challenges and far, far less support than me. I've been incredibly fortunate, and so has B.

[CEJesson]

The answer here is frequently, although it usually happens at half hourly periods during the odd day of the week

[bluefish]

Yes at times I feel sorry for myself when I am so tired and ds needs so much attention and noone(everyone here excluded) understands just how hard any one day can be! I also feel sad like mentioned in other posts for the holidays we wont have for the birthday parties we dont go to and like today the easter play that my ds did not manage to take part in.I think we would not be human if we did not feel this way at times. Yesterday I sobbed my way through town as ds was having a difficult day and people were staring at my son who was sucking his thumb and making a terrible cry(like that almost of a wounded animal) Some days I take it all in my stride and others I fall apart, be good to yourself its a hard road for you and your child. x

[stressedmumto2]

I can relate to feling sorry for myself!!! Just recently it hit me, my son's condition, he's also dx PDA and for the first time it hit me just how very little other people understood, I sat there crying and thinking why coudn't it just be one thing without all the co-morbids, I understand ASD better-had loads of help in that area but not in PDA, it's so frustarting trying to manage son, daughter and then advising everyone else on managing him, whilst trying to get services!!

 

When I feel like this it takes all my energy away from me, I feel totally down and I need more help, respite etc. I think in reality though if I had people around me who understood his condition as I do it wouldn' be so bad. I let myself be sad, angry and anything else I want to be, then I decide I need to pick myself back up and having respite is what helps me through it, so if you can get it - fight for it. I also find when I have dropped them offto school to go home and have a lie down-something which I would never do a few years ago, but when you're emotionally exhausted you need more rest.

 

I take each day as it comes and hope it will be positive but it's hard. If you feel that you are becoming a family in crisis which really need outside help then go for it, contact s/s and ask for assessment, a little respite can really help, hugs to everyone who needs some <'> <'>

[sandyn]

Thanks for all your replies everyone. It has certainly made me feel better, knowing that we all feel like this at times. I guess it's called being human!

[LizK]

Occasionally usually when I've got PMT! Usually it's due to something else and ASD is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Ordinarily I don't, I think we are lucky to have our son as he is but I do feel sorry sometimes for the life we have to lead as a result of his autism and the impact it may have on his younger brother

 

Lx

[Kinda]

Hi Sandyn

 

I guess I feel sorry for myself at times and then following Mumbles posting asking what does it mean it had me thinking. My definition of it is setting your mood to be unhappy and see the negative side rather than the positive aspects of life. Not sure this does it justice but it seems an emotional need to feel unhappy for a while as opposed to say depression where you can't escape the unhappiness. I guess also its seen as something the person can control and can snap out of it if they want to.

 

Guess this must be pretty common because otherwise why would we listen to sad music, songs, films etc?

 

I think its healthy and I know that if I have periods of high then it will be followed by periods of unhappiness. I also know my wife would not come onto a forum like this because she could not cope emotionally with the issues raised, it would make her too unhappy and so in her mind she can't understand why I post and she prefers not to have to deal with the issues. Guess its always been me who has researched AS to help my son and it took me about 2 years of raising AS before she accepted that our son showed traits of AS. When I used to raise it with her I was told she didn't want to talk about it and not sure why she now accepts it, perhaps because she now realises he needs help with his social skills?

Edited March 21, 2008 by Kinda

[bid]

Hi Sandyn

 

I guess I feel sorry for myself at times and then following Mumbles posting asking what does it mean it had me thinking. My definition of it is setting your mood to be unhappy and see the negative side rather than the positive aspects of life. Not sure this does it justice but it seems an emotional need to feel unhappy for a while as opposed to say depression where you can't escape the unhappiness. I guess also its seen as something the person can control.

 

I think its healthy and I know that if I have periods of high then it will be followed by periods of unhappiness. I also know my wife would not come onto a forum like this because she could not cope emotionally with the issues raised, it would make her too unhappy and so in her mind she can't understand why I post and she prefers not to have to deal with the issues. Guess its always been me who has researched AS to help my son and it took me about 2 years of raising AS before she accepted that our son showed traits of AS. When I used to raise it with her I was told she didn't want to talk about it and not sure why she now accepts it, perhaps because she now realises he needs help with his social skills?

 

That's really interesting, Kinda, because I think it's probably fair to say that it's more often mums who do as you do, and dads who cope as your wife does...

 

Just an observation!

 

Bid

[Kinda]

Hi Bid

 

I feel I'm out of step with other guys, just an observation you understand and I have to think twice about posting on touchy feely type posts since its predominately woman who post and respond to these. I had thought I would get away with it for longer but you spotted me!! I guess if I was a woman you might say I'm very in touch with my feelings.

 

I also have a lot of respect for how woman cope with their children who are affected by AS as its generally them that have to bare the brunt of it?

 

Writing the post also made me realise how much research I've carried out over the last 5 years and before that we had always thought our son was NT and was just going through his teens.

 

I have a good friend at work (who advised me my son maybe AS and whose own son is diagnosed as AS) and he also doesn't talk about it and I don't think he would post on the forum. It just shows we all deal with it in different ways and guess I just aint the typical male which I quite like most of the time. However sometimes I think its seen as a weakness in macho male work environments.

 

Anyway have a nice easter, going for a walk along the coast later so hope the weather is OK.

Edited March 21, 2008 by Kinda

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think it's allowed!!! I do goes through spells where I feel sorry for myself for a few days. That usually happens when R is particularly difficult to deal with, or the differences hit me like a ton of bricks and I think 'why us?'. But also, I do have a tendency to look too far ahead - ie wonder what R will be like when he's 10, will I be able to let him walk to school with his friends, etc? I think the key is to take each day or so as it comes and whilst it's good to plan ahead for the near future (ie one year - not years ahead!).

 

Caroline.

[lynyona]

I cant say i feel sorry for myself i feel sorry for kieran as he cant help how he is and sorry for the rest of the family especially my youngest who maybe hasnt had the attention that he should have had and through no fault of anyone just circumstance kieran always seems to come first and foremost and when he isnt makes himself which im sure some of you can relate to what im saying thats when the "youve let him get away with to much"kicks in from my o wise eldest but at the end of the day he s had the longest time of him and if i was an outsider looking in not knowing the circumstances i would probably quick to agree with him in fact i sometimes do but its a case anyrhing for a quite life within reason less of the two evils.

[Karen A]

Hi Bid

 

I feel I'm out of step with other guys, just an observation you understand and I have to think twice about posting on touchy feely type posts since its predominately woman who post and respond to these. I had thought I would get away with it for longer but you spotted me!! I guess if I was a woman you might say I'm very in touch with my feelings.

 

I also have a lot of respect for how woman cope with their children who are affected by AS as its generally them that have to bare the brunt of it?

 

Writing the post also made me realise how much research I've carried out over the last 5 years and before that we had always thought our son was NT and was just going through his teens.

 

I have a good friend at work (who advised me my son maybe AS and whose own son is diagnosed as AS) and he also doesn't talk about it and I don't think he would post on the forum. It just shows we all deal with it in different ways and guess I just aint the typical male which I quite like most of the time. However sometimes I think its seen as a weakness in macho male work environments.

 

Anyway have a nice easter, going for a walk along the coast later so hope the weather is OK.

 

Kinda I thought I would just say please don't feel there is anything wrong with being a bloke who is in touch with his feelings.

I have an OH and DS who are both sensitive and not typical macho types....I would not change them for anything...there are plenty of macho males around.Karen

[ryansmum2]

hi,

 

no! i never feel sorry for myself - only for my son, as he's the one the AS effcts the most,

 

hes the one who has to try to deal with everything that goes with AS,

 

as an adult i'm sure i would have extreme difficulties facing all the problems my DS does on a daily basis,anf he's only 7yrs old.

 

its the children i feel sorry for, bless them.

 

mel.

[hev]

And I keep plodding on...

i am most definately a plodder(shut it bighead,i said plodder not plonker )i have my bad days then i come out fighting again,ready for the next battle|

[Cariad]

I do get periods of feeling very down, as I feel frustrated of how I react badly to some situations regarding T. I feel frustrated at feeling worn down when yet another meltdown and another sleepless night. I get fed up of how I have to fight for EVERYTHING for my son.

 

I will say I drink too much wine, I feel it helps me wind down which isn't a good crutch to have. Also rewarding myself with chocolate to pep myself up, which again doesn't help as now I'm overweight

[sesley]

there have been times when i have been mournful about p' asd,espiecially when a film like After Thomas comes on and i feel emotional with some of the stressful scenes are on there,yesturday a film on channel 5 about a mum in a America with twin asd boys and when the boy at the end spoke to a audience about having no friends and he felt lonely and his mum was able to keep them out of a institution because of the faith she had in them and her love of course,i found myself with wet eyes, it is ok to be mournful about having a child like ours its normal to want a neurotyipical child like everyone else you meet in the playground has,but then i find myself being very proud of him for being unique and special.and find i don't feel sorry for myself anymore.

[elun1]

Yes I think I do but it's been a really interesting thread as I'm not sure any of us can help 'feeling sorry' for ourselves as we're all dealing with difficult situations. Like Baggy I am so so worried about the long term issues with my youngest ds whose autism and SLDs are so severe that he is going to need lifelong 24 hr support. I totally know how you feel about this Baggy <'> <'> it's such a worry. I keep it together in front of the children at home, often cry on the way to work and then have to pull myself together before going in to work in order to be 'Mrs Happy' for my class of children there. Sometimes I wish I wasnt living like this as it's very stressful but I am lucky and so is my son in that he has NO idea he is different at all. My eldest ds has had to grow up too quicly and isn't without his own problems. It's the long term worries that cause me the most concern

Elun xxx

[BusyLizzie100]

YES. It's 10.15am and I've already had enough of being shouted at and hit and I'm just looking forward to the end of the day. And husband is working later today so it's me and the kids having a happy easter together.

Poo.

[noogsy]

hi sweetie,for every minute of every day i felt miserable.....

then i found out i was type 2 last may..............i decided to not be a victim.

i think mums and dads health starts to fail with the stress........

of looking after these kids..

i have done the parenting courses,

went and did a assertiveness course,

i did a self defense course...

joined a gym(banantynes),

and started learning kick boxing.

i dropped two stones...................

somthing just changed in me.

i think we need to decide what we want our lives to be like and make the changes.................love noogsyxxxxxxxxx