phoned foster carer

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I have just phoned the foster carer to check on Kai. She said he's been very distressed and crying. He's begged her to give him money for the train to come home . She said he won't eat and has been in the bedroom all day, refusing to come out. He has smashed his mobile phone up, pulled her curtains down and ripped off her wallpaper . He's also been swearing at her and her husband.

 

She said she can't have him back as he's so distressed and destructive.

 

I had no choice but to send him as he's so violent to me and my little one.

 

Now i feel awful. I can't stop crying . What am i going to do?

 

Hopefully he'll be happier when he gets back to school in the morning. Even though he doesn't really like it there, at least he has his friends.

 

I suppose i'll have to phone my totally useless SW tomorrow and see what she says.

 

Loulou xx

[zaman]

You poor thing. <'>

[Enid]

Loulou, at least they have seen how he can be, but where is there for kids like ours if foster carers wont have them!!! The respite centre wont have mine, so what do you do! you have made a stand, please try to stick to it, if it makes them think about residential earlier that will be good, would that be 52 weeks? and would you have support when he comes home for visits? My heart goes out to you, perhaps he will calm down during the week, the shock must have been awful for him, but when he calms down it may make him think! I keep checking this forum to see if there is any news, we are all thinkiing of you. <'> <'> <'> Enid

[Cat]

Loulou <'>

 

This needed to happen. Because now that Kia has shown the same behaviour in foster care they should be more willing to get something sorted out as soon as possible. As hard as it is going to be - and it is going to be very hard - you must not give in and say that Kia can come home next weekend. Nothing will change in fact as he is now so angry he might even display even more challenging behaviour. I really do think that Kia not only needs a 52 week placement he also needs some medical intervention to find out how deep rooted his problems are. It is all too easy to put it all down to his autsim. It is possible that he now has mental health issues to. I am not sure that school would be able to sort these out. SS needs to hold an emergency inter agency meeting imo. This is no longer just about finding a foster placement for Kia it's about finding out how best to help him and his family.

 

Cat

Edited September 21, 2008 by Cat

[Sooze2]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I'm so sorry you are going through this, stay strong. <'> <'> <'>

[stressedmumto2]

Lou Lou I have been thinking about how things were for you and Kai, don't give in now even though it's really hurting. Now that Kai has shown this behaviour in another household it will strengthen your case for a more specialised setting.

 

Hugs to you and to Kai <'> <'> <'>

[JsMum]

To say she has had 20 years experience she cant of had that much experience! If its the first time shes seen this behaviour that Kia is showing.

 

Distructivness and distressed and certainly colourful language is many of the major discriptions given in fostering class, and are warned what they may face.

 

If she really hasnt met anything like what she sees in Kia, then she needs to report this urgently, she sounds like she has been out of her depth and clearly what Kia needs a specialist placement.

 

I really dont know what else to say LouLou, but everyone here are really thinking about you.

 

JsMum

[bid]

JM: I think maybe it's more the case that an experienced foster carer will know when a child needs more specialist care than a home-based placement?

 

Loulou, I hope this strengthens your case for some kind of specialist placement now rather than later.

 

Thinking of you all <'>

 

Bidx

[Suze]

Loulou, hope your doin o.k. today <'> ............I agree with everything Cat has said, demand that meeting, this have to start happening.Best wishes, suzex

[cmuir]

Hi

 

That says something when an experienced foster carer says she's can't have Kai back because he's so destructive, etc. Hopefully this will be passed on to the relevant people ie S/S, CAMHS, consultant and whoever else. At the risk of sounding flippant or downright crazy, this just might turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Dreadful as it is, but sometimes, things seem to have to get to absolute breaking point before things start turning around and anyone takes notice - that's certainly how things seem to be with me and my son. Keep in touch and let us know how you're all doing. Thinking of you all.

 

Caroline.

[Kathryn]

Loulou,

 

I hope Kai went back to school OK today.

 

Thinking of you

 

<'>

 

K x

[Julieanne]

Hi,

 

I have just phoned the foster carer to check on Kai. She said he's been very distressed and crying. He's begged her to give him money for the train to come home . She said he won't eat and has been in the bedroom all day, refusing to come out. He has smashed his mobile phone up, pulled her curtains down and ripped off her wallpaper . He's also been swearing at her and her husband.

 

She said she can't have him back as he's so distressed and destructive.

 

I had no choice but to send him as he's so violent to me and my little one.

 

Now i feel awful. I can't stop crying . What am i going to do?

 

Hopefully he'll be happier when he gets back to school in the morning. Even though he doesn't really like it there, at least he has his friends.

 

I suppose i'll have to phone my totally useless SW tomorrow and see what she says.

 

Loulou xx

 

 

Just wanted to say Loulou, that my husband and i have been thinking about you and Kai and wanted to send <'> to you.

It must have been so hard for you to take the desicion that you did, but i think you have so done the right thing sweety.

the foster carer in question has amazed my husband and i as with 20 years experience she flaps at first sign of Kai acting destructive!!

How did you get on today with social services? ours here on Isle of Wight are useless....

sending you hugs and thoughts to you and for Kai too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <'> >< <'>

[bikemad]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[Elouise]

I am so sorry your having to go through such a tough time as a family.

 

Hoping that some good comes from this that helps you all.

[JsMum]

Just thinking about you hun, <'> hope your ok.

 

JsMum

xxxxx

[smiley]

<'>

[puffin]

Have been thinking about you - I'm hoping that this has got social services to offer you some support and a proper placement for Kai

<'> <'> <'> <'>

[NickyB]

hope you're OK today <'> <'> <'>

[pookie170]

Hey LouLou, hope things are looking better for you and Kai today.

 

Esther x

[sandyn]

Hi, hope things are okay. xx <'>

[Suze]

Hi Loulou, any news from social services?...............hope your doing o.k, thinking of you suzex

[Zosmum]

<'> <'> <'>

 

Hope things are getting better for you all

[mossgrove]

Thinking of you here too.

 

<'>

 

Simon

[something_different]

Surely the foster carer was informed of Kai's behaviours before hand, and should have expected him to be even more distressed due to being away from home. All the violnce,abusive language and distruction should have been expected. He is obv in need of a specialist placement rather than a foster carer. Hope that now u manage to get more help. For you and Kai. Aren't their any respite/residential centres that wld b able to support him? He would probably be better in that sort of setting where they have trained staff available to work with him, and its not the same person 24/7 as it is with the foster carer as thats a lot to ask of someone. He will be upset and distressed wherever he has to stay, so wouldbe better for it to be somewhere with people who have dealt with this sort of behaviour before.

 

Really hope that something gets sorted out soon.

[venus]

Sorry you are going through all of this, hope things soon get better for you. <'>

[barb]

Surely the foster carer was informed of Kai's behaviours before hand, and should have expected him to be even more distressed due to being away from home. All the violnce,abusive language and distruction should have been expected. He is obv in need of a specialist placement rather than a foster carer. Hope that now u manage to get more help. For you and Kai. Aren't their any respite/residential centres that wld b able to support him? He would probably be better in that sort of setting where they have trained staff available to work with him, and its not the same person 24/7 as it is with the foster carer as thats a lot to ask of someone. He will be upset and distressed wherever he has to stay, so wouldbe better for it to be somewhere with people who have dealt with this sort of behaviour before.

 

Really hope that something gets sorted out soon.

[loulou]

Hi everyone,

 

I phoned my (useless) SW on monday morning and she said she'd "Find another family" as if Kai was just a pet in need of boarding kennels . I told her it wouldn't work and he needs a specialist placement NOW, but she doesn't seem to be listening. Unfortunately her supervisor is no use too. I feel so frustrated as they don't seem to care what impact this is having on Kai and our family, they just want to "explore all avenues", as they put it.

 

We have a local respite unit, but it's more for physically disabled children, and they have already said they can't meet Kai's needs. I really can't have him back at home if he is going to be so violent, as he is putting my toddler and unbron baby at risk. My parents are on holiday but are thinking of coming home early and having Kai at their house. My mum can't bare to see him so distressed.

 

I went to visit Kai yesterday after school (he's boarding monday to friday). He told me how he cried all night and tried to climb ot of the window to come home (15 miles away). The skin under his eyes was all flaking off where he'd been crying so much . He told his teacher that he was glad (for once) to be back at school. I don't think he realisies what impact his behaviour has had at home.

 

Now i'm totally stuck as to what to do. I'm waiting for the SW to call me back and see what she has come up with (nothing helpful i imagine).

 

I'll keep you informed,

 

Loulou xxx

[oxgirl]

So very sorry, Loulou. <'> <'> <'>

I hope you managed to have a quality visit with Kai and that you were able to have a kiss and cuddle to reassure you both. It must be so heart wrenching for you to see him like that. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

Have you talked to the fostermum who had him already that social services want to place him in another family??/ she may be able to use a lot more force, like you said, he doesnt need another fosterplacement, but a more secure and specialised placement.

 

I dont understand why the Sw is been so blarzay, she has until friday to find him another placement, its not fair on Kia either, but again if your mum and dad keep having to step in each time the sw will never provide Kia what he really needs.

 

BLO*** Social services, they make my blood boil, Id be well tempted to contact the media, this is a total farce.

 

JsMum

[stressedmumto2]

Lou Lou, my heart goes out to you it really does, the things is Kai needs professional help and support and you know that but s/s are just ###### useless at times. I'm glad you have spent some time with Kai to reassure him you love him but that the behaviour is the problem, must be so hard for all of you right now, take care <'>

[Enid]

Loulou, so hard for you all, as you say there are respite centres but not for kids like kai!!!! or mine, and foster carers cant cope with them, so the only answer is specialist boarding schools, but they cost money, so drug them instead, my boy is quite calm at the mo, but zombie fied, I hate it, but we, like you are scared of him lots of the time, so what is/are the options!!! really thinking of you are yours, keep strong. <'> <'> Enid

[Cat]

Loulou have you contacted your porfolio holder for Children's Services. They will be a counsellor and based within your council. They hold the remit for Children's Services. I would be getting them involved, my ward counsellor involved, the Director of Children's Services involved. I would also get my MP involved. I would not let this rest and I would let them see that you are not going to be fobbed off like this it is dreadful.

 

In my opinion and for what it is worth there needs to be a multi-agency meeting here between ALL service proivders, because Kia needs urgent medical intervention (and I do not mean drugs) at the moment. They need to get to the bottom of his behaviour before they can really help Kia. Do you have a local Carers Centre - they are usually very good at helping desperate carers in many different situation.

 

<'> Cat

[zaman]

If your SW's line manager is also useless, then go over their heads. Go to the top of SS - camp out at their offices if necessary. I know that you have done all the rounds already, but you've got to get in touch with everyone and push for intervention.

 

They are failing your and your son, and they need to get some help in place immediately. It is not acceptable for you all to be so distressed.

[bid]

Everything Cat says, and <'> <'> <'> for you all

 

Bidx

[Kazzen161]

Does his current school offer weekend boarding? Or are you looking for a different (term time/52 week) boarding school?

 

It might be the right time to get your MP involved now.

 

I would avoid getting your parents to have him - I am sure SS will say "if they can cope, why can't she?".

[loulou]

Hi,

 

Kai's current school is weekdays only. We're looking at 52 week residential schools (i've found one i like).

 

I recieved a call from the SW this afternoon, saying that their "plan" was to send Kai back to the foster carer he went to last weekend. I am fuming . This carer has NO experience with ASD and actually LOCKED Kai's bedroom door at night in case he tried to escape . She had refused to have him back, so how come now they want to send him back there?

 

I am so angry with them, i can't put it into words. I have given them all week to try to sort something out, but they've come up with this ridiculous idea. It took me six attempts to get through to the SW that i will NOT let Kai go back there. It's a totally inappropriate placement for him, in many ways. How on earth she thinks he'll get in a taxi and go there i don't know.

 

 

So my only option is for my mum and dad to have him, whilst SS look for something suitable. The SW even had the nerve to say she needed to speak to my parents before she could "allow" it. I have voluntarily put him into foster care, so she has no legal rights over Kai at all .

 

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo annoyed with this situation. Poor Kai is the one who is suffering the most .

 

My Dad has actually contacted our local MP, who is going to look into it straight away . Hopefully this will help our case.

 

Thanks for all the support,

 

Loulou xx

[NickyB]

I hope the MP can do something - really hoping things get better for you soon <'> <'>

[Flora]

My Dad has actually contacted our local MP, who is going to look into it straight away . Hopefully this will help our case.

 

Thanks for all the support,

 

Loulou xx

 

Hi Loulou

 

I really hope your MP can pull some strings here. It would make perfect sense for him to be at the 52 week school. He needs a consistant and stable environment... and sending him back to the this foster carer isn't going to give him that if she can't cope with him.

 

 

Flora <'>

Edited September 25, 2008 by Flora

[ScienceGeek]

I can't believe how rubbish SS have been. I really hope that something gets sorted for your sake and for Kai. <'>

[Zosmum]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> for you and Kai

 

Hope your MP can help

 

Thinking of you at this really hard time

 

Zosmum