TheNeil Report post Posted August 21, 2006 After yesterday when Mrs TheNeil admitted to doing a 'bad thing' and I was led to believe that it was just 'friendship' I got home tonight to find out that she's moved all of her things out - she's been having an affair for three months My little world has just imploded and I don't know what to do anymore Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
keyholekate Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Hi! TheNeil I can't think fo anything constructive to say at the moment without a load of platitudes. Just wanted to say that you're in my thoughts. Regards KHK. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
noogsy Report post Posted August 21, 2006 aw sweetheart im soo sorry.thats not fair.have you got family or people who care about you near by.you need proper support from your family and friends....love noogsy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 21, 2006 My mother and my brother are driving down from Middlesbrough but I don't have anyone else - being AS, making friends is something I just don't do. The person I'd turn to in problem moments like this has just broken what little heart I once had. I should have known that letting people past my natural defences was a mistake I don't know what to do so I've been kind of going through the normal routine but in a daze (and as my mother is coming I should really get the hoovering done) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullet Report post Posted August 21, 2006 I wish I knew what to say. I know you don't like hugs so I won't offer you one, but I am thinking of you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted August 21, 2006 TN... Hope you've got some friends or family who can give you support. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted August 21, 2006 So sorry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
asereht Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Thinking of you Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dooday24 Report post Posted August 21, 2006 thinking of you Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jlp Report post Posted August 21, 2006 You must be so shocked. Take it easy and let your parents take care of you for a bit. Hope you're ok - why on earth did she bother with all the other stuff yesterday?! Thinking of you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Oh TN.... I'm so so sorry to read this thread....... Thankfully your family are on their way and I hope they give you lots of support. Will be thinking of you Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Hi TheNiel, Just want to say I'm thinking of you. I'm glad to hear your family are going to be with you. Take care. Keep posting on here, let us know how you are. SV <'> (I hope you dont mind virtual hugs.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted August 21, 2006 So, so sorry TN Be gentle with yourself and let your family give you lots of support and love <'> Bid <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Elaine Report post Posted August 21, 2006 I don't really know what to say except sorry you're having a rough time.Take care of yourself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Hi TN... so sorry... Everyone else has already said it, but take your time and let the family take the rudder for a while. Very best BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
forbsay Report post Posted August 21, 2006 So sorry to hear that. Take care and i am thinking about you. Forbsay Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 21, 2006 I'm really sorry TheNeil, this is very sad for you. I'm glad you have the support of your family. Don't worry about the hoovering, it is not important. Just take one day at a time, and let your mother and brother help you sort things out. It's OK to have a big cry if you want to. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lollypocket Report post Posted August 21, 2006 I am very sorry TheNeil ###### the hoovering - your Mum won't give a damn, if she has any heart, she will be worried about you Take it easy on yourself KW Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Hi I'm so sorry. Don't know what to say really. I know that when things get really difficult for me, I kinda go into 'autopilot'. Guess, that's what you're doing just now - hoovering. I'm so glad your mum is coming to see you. Try and take it easy. Just take one day at a time and you'll get through this. You will - because you have to! You've came to the right place because you're with 'friends'. We don't always have the answers, but just knowing that there's people that care, makes a world of difference. Thinking of you. Keep us posted and let us know how you're doing. Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jen Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Take time and do what you have too. Let your family support you and don't worry about the vacuming! Your family loves you for who you are. Jen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Well my mum is here (my brother had to go back to his wife and 4 year old) and I'm in shock I think. The realisation of what's happening is starting to sink in and the house suddenly seems very cold and big. I know it's early yet but I don't think that this is going to be a story with a happy ending I phoned her up and it was as though she was more interested in watching TV or something rather than talking to her husband (who'd started the conversation by saying that I still loved her and wanted her to come home). I'd already decided that I wouldn't beg (if she came back just because of that then it wouldn't be worth coming back). She's never seemed upset, sorry, remorseful or anything and I think that that, coupled with what happened yesterday and the fact that everything seems to have been planned makes me very doubtful that she'll be back ever again. I've asked what she wants (him, me, neither) and she says that she doesn't know and this makes me unable to decide what to do or where to go next. It also makes me even more resigned to the fact that she won't be coming back - if she'd made a 'mistake' then surely she'd know that she still wanted me What's cutting me up is that she was 'normal' this morning, made my packed lunch and waved me off as usual but then spent all day moving her stuff out of the house (instead of going to work) and never said a thing. She's already arranged somewhere else to live I know that I'm still trying to come to terms with it but I don't want to be alone again (I spent 3 years alone before and very nearly took the 'cowards way out') and I really want her back. Now I'm staring down the path of loneliness all over again and I'm very scared Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aro Report post Posted August 21, 2006 oh my word I'm so, so sorry TN. Don't have any advice, I'm relieved to hear you have family coming to help, don't hoover unless it helps you. Sending big hugs to you, Anna x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aro Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Oh gawd, our posts crossed. Again so sorry! Doesn't seem that you have been treated with the respect you deserve! You aren't completely alone as we all are friends here, but I understand what you mean! Hope you find some answers, sure your mum will help you get back on your feet, Anna x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tsmom Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Im so sorry this has happened.I dont know what to say really just remember you are not alone and never have to be you have friends here people who truly care. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bramblebrae Report post Posted August 21, 2006 <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I wrote a rant about people treating others this way but I had to delete it, it wouldn't of helped you just now. Just to say I've been where you are...you'll get through it honestly you will. I hope your family are with you now, let all the emotions out, even if you want time on your own having them in the next room will help I'd think. And unless it helps take your mind of stuff for a short time to heck with the hoovering okay, the dust aint going anywhere. Look after yourself. thinking of you Lorraine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullet Report post Posted August 21, 2006 TheNeil, almost exactly the same thing happened to one of my brother in laws some years back. Right down to his wife waiting until he'd gone to work and then clearing everything out of the house. A while later he met this woman and fell in love with her and they married. She is a lovely woman and they have a gorgeous little girl who's two now. Things are bleak now, but you have friends on here and you have your family. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oracle Report post Posted August 21, 2006 <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> It's all been said but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. Take care of yourself because people do care about you. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Oracle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hallyscomet Report post Posted August 21, 2006 (edited) So sorry to hear this TN You must be in shock. Give yourself some time out, be gentle with yourself, I found counselling and the church were places I could go when all those questions come flooding in. Bad things happen to good people and it is so unfair, perhaps there are some hobbies or something down the track you can put your mind to doing, at the moment you probably need lots of rest and vitamins, keep drinking lots of water and try herbal teas like Rosehip it is loaded with Vitamin C it will give you a boost. Just take one day at a time, if you feel lonely and really need some comfort, reading the Psalms from the bible is a good place to start. Psalm 30, 23, 139 are a few gems in there. So sorry this has happened to you. Retail therapy can be good too but hopefully your mum will be able to stay for a while, keeping busy is good, but doing absolutely nothing is okay too. Be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you. <'> H xx Edited August 22, 2006 by hallyscomet Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted August 21, 2006 I'm really sorry to hear this TN <'> <'> Brook <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Tn I am sure this is a very hard time for you. It is OK to be upset, confused and angry at a time like this, it's a perfectly natural reaction. I am sure it doesn't seem possible to you right now. but if you can hang on in there it will get better in time. One day at a time is a wise counsel at a time like this. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reggubasti Report post Posted August 21, 2006 Feel for you. I have AS, my wife did similar some time ago. It's a huge shock. Take things slowly, you will gradually adjust and it will get better again. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KarenT Report post Posted August 22, 2006 So sorry about this TN, it must have come as a terrible shock to you. As others have said, take your time with this. Although you want answers straight away so that you can find the right path that's unfortunately not how it will be - your wife needs time to work through her confusion and decide what she wants, and I'm afraid you can't move forward until she's made her decision. It sounds as though you really love her and want her back so please don't give up just yet. I do understand that it would be easier to deal with losing her than not knowing which way to turn (the uncertainty thing) but please try to be patient and not make any rash decisions. Try to put aside your upset about why she misled you - focus on finding a solution to the problem first and then you can talk through it fully if needs be. Thinking of you, and hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. Karen x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lynden Report post Posted August 22, 2006 I'm sorry TN - I dont have any advice but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. No one deserves to be treated that way. Lynne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 22, 2006 Well I didn't kill myself, although after getting only a couple of hours sleep I did think about it briefly. Mrs TheNeil has already phoned me up this morning to make sure that I hadn't done anything 'stupid' (what, like leaving your husband/wife?) and to say that she still hadn't decided what she wanted. Maybe I was reading more into it than was actually there but she sounded sorrier this morning and said that she doesn't know whether it was him of the adrenaline/excitement of having this great 'secret'. I've said that she needs to decide what she wants to do (and when she's done that then I can decide what I want to do) So today I'll probably live in a fog, go and buy a new duvet (she took ours) and start to work out what to do next. Or maybe I'll just vegetate in front of the TV. Either way work can go and <insert suitable action here> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted August 22, 2006 <'> morning Neil , I,m so sorry about what has happened to you.Go and buy your new duvet today , you must make yourself carry on .Do you like running?.........go for a run and sprint away the anguish focus your hurt into a physical task it,ll help you sleep tonight if your knackered .We are all here for you , don,t forget <'> Suzex. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lil_me Report post Posted August 22, 2006 Really sorry to hear about this, nothing I can say will make it better, but wanted you to know we're all thinking of you, I've been in the same situation before and it does get easier, but one thing not to do is blame yourself a mistake I made for far too long. We're all here if you need us <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted August 22, 2006 TN Make sure you get to the doctors and get signed off with stress. I know your job isn't everything it could be, but you want to leave it at a time of your choosing rather than get yourself into trouble. See if your Mum will come with you. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Karen A Report post Posted August 22, 2006 Very sorry TN .Thinking of you today.Try and give yourself a bit of space and look after yourself.Karen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted August 22, 2006 You need to think about yourself right now & consider what YOU want. I have been through this. My first hubby had 3 - yes, count 'em - 3 affairs. The first one absolutely devastated me, the second was less of a shock & to be quite honest I was rather grateful for the third cos I really didn't want him any more. After the first affair he - obviously - came back to me. What happened tho was that I found myself trying to do everything he wanted & being the "perfect" wifey just to keep him. He showed no remorse whatsoever, even tried to make ME feel guilty and tried to make out it was all my fault - if I'd been everything he wanted he wouldn't have looked elsewhere. What you have to understand is that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. For whatever reason there has been a breakdown in your marriage. Instead of talking it through your wife chose to seek counsel elsewhere. This led to her being closer to this man than she should have been & probably the "excitement" of all this felt wonderful to her. What she is considering now is this - is it just the excitement that has drawn her to this man, or is it genuine feelings? She needs to look at the relationship that you had together & decide if she had just let things slide. We all do it, we're settled with someone & that initial excitement grows into something (IMO) far more wonderful, but we forget that sometimes long relationships need work too. My big sis & hubby have just been thru similar (he wandered) and they are working it through & their marriage is stronger as a result. For me, break up was the right answer (and I now have a wonderful hubby & beautiful son & wouldn't change a thing.) Maybe getting back together is the right thing for both of you, maybe it isn't. This could just be a glitch, only you and Mrs TN can resolve this. You just need to take care of yourself though. Take any help and support that is offered. Remember this is not your fault & you need to act how feels right for you, be true to yourself, after all that's who Mrs TN fell in love with in the first place. If you want to PM me, please do so. I will help if I can or just listen if you need that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted August 22, 2006 I think maybe the realisation of what she's done is starting to dawn on Mrs TheNeil. She phoned me this morning (after I'd taken my mum back home) and she said that now that she could see him anytime she wanted to it didn't seem as exciting, and maybe she'd 'made a mistake' Apparently she'd fancied this bloke and when she left for her new job they swapped phone numbers and she figured that she'd best take a chance. I'm so glad that I don't have these problems and don't feel the need to throw myself at any pretty girl who walks past. In my book that's what marriage is: You chose to be with that person so you don't need/want to look at anyone else I've said that she still needs to decide what she wants and, if it's me, then we'll need to discuss everything, work out what the 'problem' is and see if we can come up with a workable solution. I also said that if she comes back, there will be certain conditions - the most important being that she doesn't see this man again. Yesterday she 'couldn't promise not to' but today it was more 'of course'. That said, if she decides that she wants to come back, it doesn't automatically mean that I'll have her or welcome her back with open arms In TheNeil-land I'm managing to regain my focus and know that I can't really do anything until she decides what she wants. Whether she comes back or not though, I'm off to work tomorrow (in an attempt to get some structure/routine back and not sit around being miserable). I've been running (ow) and got myself a new duvet so I think I'll give it a 'test' this afternoon by watching The Bride of Frankenstein on Film4 (yes, I am that sad) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites