Is your partner on the autistic spectrum?

[Minxygal]

A good friend of mine wrote this and gave me permission to post it on here, I hope it is helpful to someone

 

 

 

 

 

Is your Partner on the Autistic Spectrum?

 

 

 

You?ve been through the ups and downs of getting one or more of your children diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Maybe you or your partner have noticed some similarities in the way, they themselves behave.

 

For your partner to get this far without a diagnosis probably means they are at the higher functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum or they have Aspergers, and through the process of time and learning they have been able to hide a lot of their traits to the outside world. Once in a close intimate relationship though this is much harder for the Autistic person to do and you may have picked up odd behaviours that don?t seem quite right.

 

 

On an emotional level your partner may find difficult to deal with you when you?re upset. The lack of empathy makes it difficult to place themselves in your shoes, and they may be looking for some clue as to what they can do. They may look at you almost as if staring as they try to work out what is required from them or the sense of powerlessness maybe too much for them to deal with and you may find your partner walking away or turning the TV up when faced with such an emotional situation.

 

Your partner most probably has some sort of special interest, this maybe computers, a TV programme, the list is endless. It maybe that the job your partner has chosen to do is also a special interest as they put their heart and soul into it, working long hours and talking about it at home. It is important for you to understand that their special interest means a lot to them and ultimately helps them function within society.

 

 

Your partner may have more than one special interest. You may be in a position where you are also seen as one of their obsessions. This can be wonderful in the first throws of the relationship, which is ultimately why we fall in love with them in the first place. You are the centre of their universe and they want you to be happy. You though are an unknown quantity and they will seek ways in which to control their environment including you, this can also have the opposite effect where they put you in control of them.

 

 

Change, usually of the environment of which they have learn?t to feel safe can cause problems for your partner. Things like change of d�cor, new furniture etc or even just the tidying of their workspace can cause a lot of stress for them. To avoid such situations they need to be consulted and a date or day agreed as to when this is to happen and is best done on a gradual basis rather than a full-blown makeover. Of course we are all human and even our best intentions don?t always work out, try not to see this as a failure on your part your partner will get over it, it just takes more time.

 

 

Discuss how their Autism affects them on a basic level, this may take some time to process and is best dealt with in small bite size chunks. You may need to come back to the same subject at another time.

 

 

As you are probably already aware, Autism affects the senses and your partner may be in situations where they have sensory overload. Such as too many people talking at once it is difficult for them to filter out these other distractions and may find it almost impossible to talk to a person in those circumstances.

On a more basic level, you may have an argument or a disagreement with your partner, it is important not to shout at them, as you will find they are not even listening to you and have completely shut down. If you ask them about what was said at the time they will not remember, as they simply did not hear you.

 

All adults and children on the Autistic Spectrum are individuals and experience a vast amount of different traits. The important thing is to work on what is required to help your relationship. You may need to make adjustments to help your partner feel they do not have to perform an act with you at home and give them the confidence to say ?I am having difficulties today I need some time out?. Having said this it is a two way thing and if you want them to do something for you or for the children you will need to be clear on how and what you want to be done. Don?t be afraid to say to them this is not acceptable but take time to find a way round it.

 

I know you may sometimes feel this is too hard why am I making all the effort, this is normal. But consider also how hard it is for your partner to do stuff that comes naturally to you and me.

 

Last of all we fall in love with this person for a reason try not to lose sight of that. Think of the positive qualities your partner offers.

[Bullet]

My partner isn't, but I am.

[Lynden]

My hubby is definitely aspergers - which makes sense - a lot of things that I used to find a little odd, or really annoy me about him (the non responding when i'm upset/arguements etc) all fell into place. He is definitely at the higher functioning end of the scale and can function well on a day to day basis. I think if anything knowing has given me a better understanding of him. Its also explained a lot to him about his problems growing up - and after talking to his parents a lot of what he did as a youngster is typical ASD also.

 

Its also kinda good because he balances out my worries about Logan - a lot of things I worry about for his future my hubby understands Logans side of it so can waylay my worries.

 

We did actually think he was before Logan was diagnosed - born even, but we never really looked into it till after Logan was diagnosed and we learned more about ASD generally.

 

Lynne x

[Minxygal]

My hubby is definitely aspergers - which makes sense - a lot of things that I used to find a little odd, or really annoy me about him (the non responding when i'm upset/arguements etc) all fell into place. He is definitely at the higher functioning end of the scale and can function well on a day to day basis. I think if anything knowing has given me a better understanding of him. Its also explained a lot to him about his problems growing up - and after talking to his parents a lot of what he did as a youngster is typical ASD also.

 

Its also kinda good because he balances out my worries about Logan - a lot of things I worry about for his future my hubby understands Logans side of it so can waylay my worries.

 

We did actually think he was before Logan was diagnosed - born even, but we never really looked into it till after Logan was diagnosed and we learned more about ASD generally.

 

Lynne x

 

 

My hubby is very high functioning too and as you said it does explain why whenever we had a disagreement, or should I say I had a disagreement lol, he just stared into space. Now we don't argue because to be honest I put my efforts into something else because rowing with him is not worth the hassle.

 

That said it's hard when he kicks off with the kids instead of being there to help me de-escalate a situation. I sometimes wonder how many kids I actually have

Edited November 26, 2006 by Minxygal

[CarerQuie]

My other half isn't on the spectrum and neither am I.xx

[yoyo]

Thank you for starting this thread. I am most probably AS - high functioning. Much of what is being said here about poor reactions in times of partner expressing feelings or arguments totally rings true. Once I can truly understand where a person / partner is coming from I can react well but if I don't I am totally helpless and am definitely guilty of staring into space and hoping the situation will go away and I can return to my comfort zone. This is not intended as the utter selfishness that it appears - I simply cannot comprehend how normal people 'tick'at times. I am adopted and, following my failed reunion with my biological father who has AS, I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of strongly expressing feelings to a brick wall and simply being stared at with absolutely nothing being said in return by him. He is like this to his wife also. It has helped me seeing this as I now know what I can be like; this has resulted in my saying to my dh that I am so sorry but I can't identify with how he is feeling. We seldom argue as we both reailised following our rather explosive early marriage that arguing was pointless and we both avoid this be dealing with uncomfortable situations ourselves.

 

Some of this probably fits the other thread on support from friends. I actually need relatively little support on a day to day basis. My real need is when there is a change in circumstances such as dh changing job, children moving from school to universityetc, or if I need hospital treatment. At these times my anxiety levels and verbal expression of worry are impossible for those around me. My family (not dh and children who are brilliant) gives me no support at all. I am adopted and have to be punished for my sins of association with sex before marriage. People like me do not deserve normal love and protection, just a roof over one's head and food. It was always made very clear to me how I 'wasn't right' but I never received support for anxiety, difficulty in socializing etc. It was always my own fault and God's punishment. If I mentioned AS to them now, they would dismiss it out of hand in terms that are unprintable.

 

Sorry if this seems long. I hope it hasn't killed any further discussion as I seem to be always guilty of.

 

Yoyo

[Minxygal]

Yoyo I think I know what you mean. My husband grew up with no confidence at all as his family thought he was a clown and only good to laugh at. Since discovering he was on the spectrum I have watched his self esteem grow and I've looked on with pride as he has slowly let go of so much of the past, a past which made school feel like a prison and which told him that different was bad and he should feel ashamed of it. The relief he seems to have got from knowing that there was a reason for him feeling so different as a child and as an adult has made all the difference to him.

I find now that pointing out when he's not realised I need help or the boys need something from him is much easier than sitting and waiting for him to get it.

 

For me it's helped a lot too. I spent many years pulling my hair out trying to work out why I had to ask him to be with me or with the boys or why I could cry and he'd not even notice. It's helped me a lot knowing now it's nothing personal.

[pearl]

My OH's entire family are on the spectrum! His dad showed definite traits as did his uncle, & of his 5 brothers & sisters all are what you would call autistic "cousins" - traits but not the full blown thing.

 

His sister is the most obvious, a complete one-off who self-diagnosed after our son was. She has also married someone on the spectrum & they are soul mates.

 

Theres never a dull moment on family holidays!

 

Mr pearl is obsessed with music & spoken radio programmes, every radio, cd player etc in our house is attached to a timer & recording equipment so he doesnt miss anything. He listens to everything on his walkman as he walks to work. He's getting into digital & ipods now so god help us. He also videos programmes & keeps a list so we know where we are up to, actually v useful as I could never be so organised. Luckily we mostly like the same tv programmes.

 

We do laugh about it most of the time, but when both he & J are being particularly obsessive, I think, I just hate living with autistic boys!

[Shnoing]

I'm not outside the spectrum and neither is my wife . But it's only our younger son (3) who's got dx'ed properly.

[ellisisamazing]

My Husband is an Aspie, very high functioning, more traits I suppose! Only just dx'd a month ago.

 

He is extremely clever and a 'big thinker'. Obsessed with Music and History(Has a degree in History, so I never noticed the obsession).

 

Fanatical about straight lines, curtains have to be almost measured to be equal on both sides when opening/shutting!!! He is also happy to be alone in a room without any stimulus, tv, radio, books for a length of time!

 

He has a difficult relationship with his Mum and Dad, They haven't spoken for two years and he says he always felt different as a child....He was reading books about THE THIRD REICH at age six and nobody picked up on it!!

 

On the plus side, we never pay bills late, and our life is really organised and he is a dedicated employee at work and he likes to hoover and mop, causes he does it better (not complaining about that!)!!!

Edited May 9, 2007 by ellisisamazing

[Kathryn]

I was going to put this in Resources too: Amazon have alerted me to a new book, about to be published on May 15, called,

 

Alone Together, Making an Asperger Marriage Work by Katrin Bentley

 

K x

[cmuir]

Hi

 

When I first met my husband, I didn't twig (but then I'd never even heard of AS!). It wasn't until last year when our 5 year old was diangosed with AS, that it hit me like a brick! I distinctly recall sobbing almost uncontrollably in the consultant's room when she broke the news to us. There was no reaction from hubby at all (not comforting hug, expressionless, etc). That was noted by the consultant too, who later advised that it's common for father and son (can be a genetic link) to both be on the spectrum. In hindsight, when I first met my husband, there are so many characteristics that I put down to him being quiet, anti-social, not liking crowds/parties/family social occasions, that now scream AS to me now. My husband and son as so alike it many ways. My son can be very unpredictable, aggressive, etc and that causes lots of problems. My husband can't cope appropriately with it and he tends to add fuel to the fire instead of calming things down. I've noticed when my son goes into meltdown that he loses control and can't help himself - same goes for hubby. Whilst professionals involved with us ie consultant and social worker are aware and all share the opinion that my hubby is on the spectrum, I'm not sure seeking a formal diagnosis would be a good thing. I'm worried that if he needed to move on to another job (he's a bus driver - likes routine!) and had to fil out an application form/medical section that if contact were made with his GP that might scupper his chances. Having said, that I really need help with them both, both am not sure what help there is for an adult.

 

Caroline.

[Bambi]

Ts dad is definately on the spectrum and he has admitted this himself a few yrs back but it still dont make him understand Ts probs like he should.

 

Bambi x

[Minxygal]

What makes me cross is the fact that agencies that are meant to support us take for granted that if we are in a relationship we receive extra support from that. In fact, for many of us with partners on the spectrum this is far from the case and the isolation is more intense as our partners dont have the empathy that these agencies expect them to.

I know talking from my own experiences often when the boys anxieties peak into challenging behaviour my husband can follow suit. I often feel like I am a single parent with an extra child and I suppose I am one of the lucky ones, my husband doesn't work. I know many a parent who's husbands do work and they have to deal with the same sort of bring it home kick that many of us experience with our kids.

 

 

At The Maze we're doing some work to aquire funding to support parents whos partners are on the spectrum too, theres a huge hole in provision and support that someone has to start recognising and trying to fill.

[Diamondmask]

My hubby is AS, non dx'd mind but as about as AS as you can be! The hardest part for me is his denial. He wont accept that he is AS under any circumstances. He is hopeless at seeing things from another's point of view. Typically, he is always right, I am wrong, no matter what, even when his mistake is staring him in the face.

 

Another difficult part is when he tries to handle things with the kids, he really has no idea. He always seems to make arguments with our son worse.

 

But I love him, he is loyal, kind, romantic (in his own way). The good stuff balances the bad (just).

 

Sarah

[Millymoo]

My husband was dx'd last week so this is all new to me, although we've known something 'wasn't quite right' for ages. Reading the original post on this thread was like reading about us, so thank you for posting that

[jim]

A good friend of mine wrote this and gave me permission to post it on here, I hope it is helpful to someone

Is your Partner on the Autistic Spectrum?

You?ve been through the ups and downs of getting one or more of your children diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Maybe you or your partner have noticed some similarities in the way, they themselves behave.

 

For your partner to get this far without a diagnosis probably means they are at the higher functioning end of the Autistic Spectrum or they have Aspergers, and through the process of time and learning they have been able to hide a lot of their traits to the outside world. Once in a close intimate relationship though this is much harder for the Autistic person to do and you may have picked up odd behaviours that don?t seem quite right.

On an emotional level your partner may find difficult to deal with you when you?re upset. The lack of empathy makes it difficult to place themselves in your shoes, and they may be looking for some clue as to what they can do. They may look at you almost as if staring as they try to work out what is required from them or the sense of powerlessness maybe too much for them to deal with and you may find your partner walking away or turning the TV up when faced with such an emotional situation.

 

Your partner most probably has some sort of special interest, this maybe computers, a TV programme, the list is endless. It maybe that the job your partner has chosen to do is also a special interest as they put their heart and soul into it, working long hours and talking about it at home. It is important for you to understand that their special interest means a lot to them and ultimately helps them function within society.

Your partner may have more than one special interest. You may be in a position where you are also seen as one of their obsessions. This can be wonderful in the first throws of the relationship, which is ultimately why we fall in love with them in the first place. You are the centre of their universe and they want you to be happy. You though are an unknown quantity and they will seek ways in which to control their environment including you, this can also have the opposite effect where they put you in control of them.

Change, usually of the environment of which they have learn?t to feel safe can cause problems for your partner. Things like change of d�cor, new furniture etc or even just the tidying of their workspace can cause a lot of stress for them. To avoid such situations they need to be consulted and a date or day agreed as to when this is to happen and is best done on a gradual basis rather than a full-blown makeover. Of course we are all human and even our best intentions don?t always work out, try not to see this as a failure on your part your partner will get over it, it just takes more time.

Discuss how their Autism affects them on a basic level, this may take some time to process and is best dealt with in small bite size chunks. You may need to come back to the same subject at another time.

As you are probably already aware, Autism affects the senses and your partner may be in situations where they have sensory overload. Such as too many people talking at once it is difficult for them to filter out these other distractions and may find it almost impossible to talk to a person in those circumstances.

On a more basic level, you may have an argument or a disagreement with your partner, it is important not to shout at them, as you will find they are not even listening to you and have completely shut down. If you ask them about what was said at the time they will not remember, as they simply did not hear you.

 

All adults and children on the Autistic Spectrum are individuals and experience a vast amount of different traits. The important thing is to work on what is required to help your relationship. You may need to make adjustments to help your partner feel they do not have to perform an act with you at home and give them the confidence to say ?I am having difficulties today I need some time out?. Having said this it is a two way thing and if you want them to do something for you or for the children you will need to be clear on how and what you want to be done. Don?t be afraid to say to them this is not acceptable but take time to find a way round it.

 

I know you may sometimes feel this is too hard why am I making all the effort, this is normal. But consider also how hard it is for your partner to do stuff that comes naturally to you and me.

 

Last of all we fall in love with this person for a reason try not to lose sight of that. Think of the positive qualities your partner offers.

 

Just read his to my partner. It sounds a lot like me !

[wilson]

Hello,

 

My husband almost certainly is on the spectrum. Unfortunately, years of misunderstanding and negative life experiences have left him with cripplingly low self esteem. Perhaps a formal diagnosis would help him make sense of some aspects of his life.

[Tally]

Wilson, my formal diagnosis has certainly benefitted me for exactly those reasons.

[allsetuk]

im desperatly trying to pluck up courage to go to my doctor to get my formal diagnosis, i cancelled my double appointment last week for fear of being laughed at as i have learnt to cope but i really feel it would help me to get recognition.ive always felt a totally eccentric , loner...and my family have told me im wierd and "anal" about things for being so particular. They also expressed that were not happy with me for being so emotionless especially at funerals and things like that...my oldest friends tell me they would never come to me for a cuddle or a meltdown but for practical advice and solution. Many bad experiences have left me with no self esteem and im unable to form any kind of relationships with most people be it friend and certainly not dating, its too scary... i like reading stuff like this as it makes me feel not so alone

[Tally]

allsetuk, those are all reasons why a formal diagnosis could benefit you. Don't worry about the appointment you cancelled. You can book another one when you feel up to it. You say you have learned to cope, but you also say you have very low self-esteem which prevents you from making friends. Once you understand the cause of the bad experiences, you might be able to feel a bit better about yourself in general, even if no formal help is available.

 

Writing down some things to take to the doctor could be helpful. There is a list somewhere that lists some symptoms and says that if you have a certain amount, it is worth considering AS. I'll see if I can find it for you. Perhaps a leaflet about AS too, in case your GP doesn't know anything about it.

 

Here is the list: http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/clinic...CLASSPoster.pdf

 

Although your doctor can't refer you there unless you happen to live in Cambridge.

Edited October 28, 2007 by Tally

[allsetuk]

thank you for that, my doctor does know about it becuase she sent my son for dx and he has been diagnosed as severe asd plus adhd.

thats very useful as i think i tick all those boxes ....without a doubt I just wondered what techniques have other adults on here used to get through social situations, do things like drinking help you or just make you rant on more about yourself ? I know if i go out with a group of mums from my sons school i get really worked up , when they invite me for coffee i cant face it , on nights night i have a glass of wine, enjoy it for 10 mins and then just want to get home as the small talk makes me feel all edgy and then i get really paranoid and wafflle on about myself ....i think ive really bored people then and just spiral down big time

[allsetuk]

i tried to make contact with this place in cambridge before but i dont live in cambridge im in yorkshire

[Minxygal]

In my experience many adults on the spectrum do use drink to get them through social situations and it's a bit of a trend that while some drink too much others won't touch alcohol because finding a 'middle ground' is too difficult. I have a close friend on the spectrum who describes himself as being in character in social situations and often when we spend time with him we have to remind him he can be himself around us. He finds 'character mode' draining and although he appears to cope as with the children there has to be that kickback afterwards.

[allsetuk]

i plucked up the courage to drop a letter in to my doctors yesterday !! she wasnt in but she should be in today so i wonder what she will make of it

[Karen A]

i plucked up the courage to drop a letter in to my doctors yesterday !! she wasnt in but she should be in today so i wonder what she will make of it

 

<'> I really hope you get a helpful response.Give yourself a treat today.Karen.

[Tally]

That's good allsetuk. I hope she takes it seriously. Don't get disheartened if she does not get back to you very quickly.

[Caroline-]

We've always thought my hubby has aspergers, he has a severe lack of empathy, not because he's a nasty person or can't be bothered to console me when i'm upset but because he generally doesn't know what to do. I've asked him many times in the past why nothing seems to worry him & why he never shows any emotion about anything & his answer is 'i don't know' he loves any thing electronical, fixing pc's etc he's very good at & he loves going fishing but anything else he doesn't really show much interest in

[Minxygal]

Sounds similar to my husband to be honest. The lack of empathy drove me mad, along with his seeming inability to worry about anything that should be worried about and his fixation on other things that had no apparent relivence to me.

When it came to the realisation that he was on the spectrum, I almost think I needed it more than him. In the back of my mind was the fact that he was deliberately not noticing when I needed some support and that deep down as long as he was being fed and was warm and had tv he didn't care what else was going on. I have to say we argued, well actually that is far from the truth and would be more acurate if I said I argued, and he shut down and refused to communicate and any communication I did get was him copying the things I said which at the time I interpretted as him being sarcastic.

I suppose the difference for me now is that I don't bother wasting my energy yelling at him like I used to, because I now see that it was actually just a waste of energy on my part. I do however try harder to help him see both sides of a situation instead of automatically expecting him to see the situation that way. I am lucky in that my husband doesn't work, it takes two of us to manage our sons, but you know looking back, knowing what I know now, I think the reason my marriage nearly went down the pan was because although my husband was an adult, going to work was still like going to school for him. That energy that many of our young people put into staying in school and managing the changes my husband put into going to work and afterwards, when I wanted some help and support, just as my son has nothing left and has to kick off at home after school, my hubby did the same. Looking back I do wonder how we got through it.

 

I will say though, and I love my husband dearly, living with someone on the spectrum can be lonely and I am lucky that I have a network of friends who I rely on for the emotional support I have never got from my husband.

[Caroline-]

I have to say we argued, well actually that is far from the truth and would be more acurate if I said I argued, and he shut down and refused to communicate and any communication

 

Hi Minxygal, this is exactly how things have been in our flat, i would argue & he would sit there blankly staring into space! It is very frustrating for both of us but we both think the world of each other & have been together 11 years so we must be doing something right

[Minxygal]

I think once I realised that he couldn't help it, it became easier to accept.

[CarolJ]

My current bf "G" is definitely on the spectrum. I have been with him almost 2 years now. We first met as friends, he first met him he seemed lovely polite, hes very well spoken. Hes very good with at practical things like fixing stuff and jobs around thehouse and would offer to do favours for me. I have noticed that G still gets calls from various female friends asking for favours ie fix computers or putting furniture together. He only gets calls from them when they need a favour otherwise he never hears from them. I sometimes get very angry by this. I had to point out to G that these "friends" were in fact using him. I think he used to do favours because he felt this was a way of making people like him. We have argued over these "friends" because he would say they were good friends and I would point out that you dont just hear from a friend when they need something its a two way thing. He used to say to me when he first met (as friends) that he felt he was "too nice" and he got taken advantage of and wished he could be more of a cad he said to me once that "nice guys always seem to come last". When we first met he really liked a girl we both knew and she played him off against another one of our friends to make this other guy jealous. I told G what this girl was doing but he said no its just her way he found it very hard to accept that this girl would do such a thing and got very defensive over her.

 

At the time we were just friends and I tried to guide him and advise him from a woman's perspective. Eventually when this girl met him at a party and deliberately flirted with G and then disappeared with the other fella he was very upset but admitted to me that I was right.

 

Sorry for long winded explanations here but I am trying to highlight how G seems very niave about people and takes them at face value. I tend to look at possible hidden agendas (damn my suspicious nature). I dont believe people do things without a reason especially when they dont know you.

 

He seems almost vulnerable sometimes trusting almost a childlike quality. In the past he has really struggled with people taking advantage especially ex girlfriends.

 

When i first got into a relationship with him he always seemed to be "holding something back" I cant explain it but it was like a part of his emotional response was missing? I am someone who is emotionally all over the place but rational (well most of the time anyway). He never seemed to have extremes of moods, you know when we have good days and bad days, he always appeared to be the same. That worried me as I felt as if he was hiding something. He would get stressed about silly things but the big things never seemed to phase him. One day he started to tell me about how his dad behaved and his dads quirks (his dad was in the army) and that he was just like him, that that was when the penny dropped about the possibility of AS. I tried to ignore it but the more I thought about the more I realised that indeed he was showing all the signs.

 

At first I wanted to finish with him thinking I had more than a enough AS to deal with in my kids. I then approached him and told him what I thought and we sat down together and did an online test for aspergers using cambridge ARU tests. One of the thing I found really interesting is that he appeared to view himself differently and I would give my viewpoint on the answers. I know its hard to be objective about yourself. But he scored in the high 80s on the test which suggested a strong possibility of AS.

 

He said he didnt want to push for dx as he didnt feel the need.

 

One of the most difficult things about him is that he can be very selfish (self centred) and doesnt appear to consider anyone else that can be very hurtful. G also finds it hard to use his initiative and will only do things literarlly by the book not improvising in anyway which I find frustrating.

 

One of the things that really made me think was that he is obsessed with computers. He was trying to fix a problem with our wireless router and he would get very frustrated because he had followed the instructions to a T and it was still not working and he would say - this isnt right this "should" work. I said to him pcs have a mind of their own and sometimes the instructions can be wrong. I called a friend who has his own IT company and he explained another way to G to fix the problem. But G still couldnt get his head around the fact that he had to do it a different way from the instruction booklet. He has problems with lateral thinking. He also doesnt like to be proved wrong about something he feels he knows and has to have the last word which drives me nuts

 

He can be very petty about stupid things sometimes especially even when it comes to the kids. I have to separate him and DS sometimes because they two of them wind each other up. I have to say to G your the adult dont feed his reaction. But G will say but thats the way its supposed to be? Hes one for rules and regulations and things being done just so. I have to tell him with the way my kids are he has to let things go and let me make the decisions. I sometimes feel as if I have three kids on my hands.

 

He can say the most hurtful things - hes said a couple of things to my DD too (as a joke) which she took seriously and got upset. I had to explain to him that she had taken his words at face value literally.

 

There are 100s of things I can give as an example that I find frustrating but saying that I know the reason which allows me to be more tolerant of his mistakes he doesnt always like it when I point out to him how his actions affect others but he does listen.

 

I am really glad that I decided to make allowances for him as he is a diamond and a lovely person. We actually compliment each other in a lot of ways. Hes deffo a homebod unlike my ex who was never at home.

 

You have to work at all relationships but in a relationship with someone with AS you have to take into account the way AS can make them behave and make allowances.

Edited February 4, 2008 by CarolJ

[bid]

Mmmm, I'd love to start a thread 'Is your partner NT??'

 

Mine is...mind you, now that I know he can't help it I find he is worth all the extra hard work because he's got a lovely nature.

 

Bid

Edited February 4, 2008 by bid

[hev]

Mmmm, I'd love to start a thread 'Is your partner NT??'

 

Mine is...mind you, now that I know he can't help it I find he is worth all the extra hard work because he's got a lovely nature.

 

Bid

[jon79]

hello i am new to this forum. I have no official diagnosis

Some here seem to have partners who are somewhere on the spectrum. How did they manage manage to attain and win a relationship with yourself. Why did you choose them instead of some one more normal and better scoring in most areas. generally just beating someone who is allround inately better than themselves

i have reached 28 yrs and have barely spoken a word to a female or had any interest from anyone. nor really any friends or peers thinking of it. How did your choosen partner get around not speaking to attain you or flinching wth contact and aniexty. How does someone on spectrum get involved if they are in isolation bubble.

[Nic m]

hi jon79

welcome to the forum.

I dont know how others have managed it.

I have a very dear friend who was my partner for a few years and i believe he has very strong AS traits.I fell in love with him because he was different.

He listened he was attentive, honest and loyal.I struggled with certain aspects of our relationship, but the biggest thing was how he was socially.

I now have a greater understanding of his needs through this forum and this has helped our relationship a great deal.He is my dearest friend and my saviour in many catastrophes.He despairs of my need to talk, my organised chaos, my ability to change my mind at a minutes notice, my lack of proper preparation. I despair of his singlemindedness, his need to be so early that he makes me feel i am late, and his awkwardness with social events and anything new.

I love his organisation, his kindness, his practical mind his fabulous cooking skills, i have benefited a great deal from his need for perfection in whatever he does.

he has benefited from my relaxed nature, my shopping skills and my persistance.

He is amazed at my ability to talk.

I do not know how other people do it but along with my daughter, this man enhances my life, and i am glad i asked him out (9 years ago).

We are now close friends who talk nearly every day (he is still amazed that he now talks rubbish this much, although i do most of the talking)

Good luck with meeting people, and perhaps finding out about yourself will be a start in meeting others.

nic

[Bard]

hello i am new to this forum. I have no official diagnosis

Some here seem to have partners who are somewhere on the spectrum. How did they manage manage to attain and win a relationship with yourself. Why did you choose them instead of some one more normal and better scoring in most areas. generally just beating someone who is allround inately better than themselves

i have reached 28 yrs and have barely spoken a word to a female or had any interest from anyone. nor really any friends or peers thinking of it. How did your choosen partner get around not speaking to attain you or flinching wth contact and aniexty. How does someone on spectrum get involved if they are in isolation bubble.

 

Well, that's odd. My partner was 28 when I met him, flinched from contact, didn't do social niceties, small talk or any of that stuff. He wasn't interested in 'winning' me, or flirting, he was positively aloof.

He is very intelligent, erudite, academic but with not many practical every day skills. I found the mixture fascinating.

I was the one who initiated things, talked about some of his focused interests such as Greek red figure pots and renaissance art all night til dawn. Stalking is not quite the word I'm looking for, but I saw what I wanted and went for it.

He is still as interesting and as self-contained almost 25 years and two children later.

And without wanting to get too personal, there's nothing quite like becoming a focus! It's powerful stuff for an NT, and some of us thrive in that environment.

Baddad makes me laugh, he's lovely and warm and witty, with social skills and all sorts of other talents, but he's not what I would look for in a partner. A friend definitely. ( Don't mind being an example do you sunshine? <'> )

I think I like that feeling of being special, in a unique relationship.

 

There's another thread lurking somewhere in this section where various people posted about why they fell for an Aspie. I think there's a lot of AS/NT relationships that work very well.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Bard

[baddad]

Baddad makes me laugh, he's lovely and warm and witty, with social skills and all sorts of other talents,

 

 

Have we got 2 baddads here now then?

[Tally]

Hi Jon, and welcome.

 

It's very difficult to find a relationship when you struggle with the steps you need to even make friends.

 

I think what you need to do is get out and meet people generally. I know that's not as easy as I make it sound, because I am struggling with the same thing myself. I have been looking for a social group for people with AS/autism, or learning difficulties or just disabilities in general. Just going out and meeting people socially will be a big thing for me, but I think it's the right place to start. You could also look into interest groups, a club or class where you will meet people who have an interest in common.

 

If someone doesn't like you because you are not "normal," they are probably not a person you could have a successful relationship with anyway.

 

People don't build relationships on the fact that the other person is normal. Looks and confidence can be the initial attraction, but there is so much more to it than that.

[bid]

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum

 

I'm pants at relationships/friendship, so daren't give any advice!!

 

Bid

Edited February 7, 2008 by bid