Getting told off by strangers

[JsMum]

Yet again a stranger aproached J and told him off, it really annoys me that complete strangers feel they have the right to tell another child off, what do they get from doing that, he wasnt causing any harm to anyone else and all of a sudden a lady in a suit told him off, aparantly he should grow up, not act like a toddler, I did tell her to mind her own buisness and get on with her shopping but she said she thought my son was a nuisants!

 

I wont say what J called her, but what do you do when complete strangers confront your child when your child finds it difficult to cope and show it in behaviour?

 

Can I really say its not any of their buisness or is it too rude.

 

J is 11 now and tall, he is looking very odd when he behaves in a much younger manner, what can I do?

 

JsMum

[kellyanne]

Can I really say its not any of their buisness or is it too rude.

 

 

I have done this on many occasions and I don't care how people react. The way I see it is complete strangers have NO right to tell off someone elses child no matter what the situation/circumstances are. Unless other people know the reasons why our children behave the way they do then they have no right to judge. I'm sure they wouldn't like it if we were to do it to their child so why do they feel they can do it to ours!!!!

 

Sorry rant over

[Bard]

The more annoyed I am, the more arrogant my response and accent become.

The only time any stranger should tell B off is if he is doing something dangerous or seriously antisocial.

Merely being young for his age is not good enough, so it would depend for me on what J was actually doing to upset her.

Edited June 19, 2008 by Bard

[Zosmum]

Did you know that you can get cards, that you can just hand to people. They explain about ASD etc. I found them really useful especially in the supermarket when we have to be there but Z doesn't want to be there. You know the one.

They might come from Autism team. In our area it's the woodlands outreach. Do you have similar in your area?

It saves on the face to face confrontations and you don't have to try to explain that they're not just naughty kids

Edited June 19, 2008 by Zosmum

[JsMum]

The more annoyed I am, the more arrogant my response and accent become.

The only time any stranger should tell B off is if he is doing something dangerous or seriously antisocial.

Merely being young for his age is not good enough, so it would depend for me on what J was actually doing to upset her.

 

 

What I should do is explain is that Supermarkets are a real stuggle for J and he doesnt like the enviroment and will act in ways to distact his own stress, in the isles they had footballs, in a basket and J got one, started to play with it, but not in a dangerous way, I told him to take it back as he could kick it and it may hit someone, he did this and it was on the way back that the lady aproached him and told him off, he told me and so I asked her what had happened, she said he shouldnt be doing that in here, I told her he has been told not to and was taking it back, she said its not like he is a toddler and doing that is it, he shouldnt be doing that, he is too big, and too old, I told her that J has adhd and ASDs and that he cant always cope in a supermarket, she proceeded to say she works with children with asds and adhd I said I didnt think she had any buisness telling a child off she didnt know, she then said that he had been a nusiant, he was not acting in anyway dangerous or annoying anyone else and he did put the ball back, in the past he has had proper behaviour issues in supermarkets so I thought she should of witnessed that, then what would she of thought, Im just sick of strangers sticking there nose in.

 

JsMum

Edited June 19, 2008 by JsMum

[ryansmum2]

hi there,

 

oh, bless him - that is so awrfull

 

if this ever happens to my DS I always, and quite STERNLY announce that ''he is autistic !! ''

 

this embaresses the 'do-gooder' LOL LOL

 

i wouldnt tell them AS,Aspergers/ADD/ASD etc etc as many people do dont understand he meanings,

however almost everyone knows what Autism is - and that alone is sufficiant to embaress

 

sorry about my spelling !!

 

mel xx

[Enid]

I always say he is Autisitic as well, somes times he contradicts me an says no I`m not I1ve got ASD! Enid

[JsMum]

hi there,

 

oh, bless him - that is so awrfull

 

if this ever happens to my DS I always, and quite STERNLY announce that ''he is autistic !! ''

 

this embaresses the 'do-gooder' LOL LOL

 

i wouldnt tell them AS,Aspergers/ADD/ASD etc etc as many people do dont understand he meanings,

however almost everyone knows what Autism is - and that alone is sufficiant to embaress

 

sorry about my spelling !!

 

mel xx

 

The thing is I feel that J is too able, too functioning to be understood by others as Autistic and they look at him and I am worried they would just say he doesnt look autistic to me, bearing in mind Js ASD is higher functioning, but he is very effected sensory, lights, noise, crowds, so supermarkets are real issue for him and he will use destraction techneeks to get out, even by been a nuisants, if that gets him out the shop quicker then thats great.

 

Js impulsive and restless and is quick to pick up balls, play with equiptment, turn on/off machines, run trollies into people, and run up the isles if it gets a game of cat and mouse the better, the last 6 months we have used social stories to decribe exceptable behaviour and to have rules while in supermarkets and he has tools now that he can use if it gets too much, one been we leave for five mins for fresh air, and then come back inside, he has kicked items of shelves in a rage, needed restraining by me and staff and other times sat crying hiding in the kitchen rolls all stacked on top of him to trap out the light.

 

I understand that it isnt exceptable for J to kick a ball, and I was managing him and getting him to understand his actions, it was on the way back that the confrontation with the lady happened, as he was taking the ball back, what she doesnt understand is that for J was a huge action and I was feeling confident that he was understanding the situation, that he had taken notice of the cammand and doing what I asked.

 

For some stranger to but in and spoil Js actions, she just saw a youth kicking a ball, not taking into consideration that he has behaviour of a much younger child and balls are a massive distraction, So undaughtably he took the impulse to play with it but it was quickly dealt with, and managed well for a child who is very unprodicatable in a supermarket.

 

JsMum

[Bard]

Yes, that would have got me going with my

' Are you being deliberately officious and interfering, or do you merely have nothing better to do than reprimand an autistic child for complying with a request?' head on.

 

It sounds as if she's just an unsympathetic pain, the ball didn't hit her, so what's the problem?

[JsMum]

Yes, that would have got me going with my

' Are you being deliberately officious and interfering, or do you merely have nothing better to do than reprimand an autistic child for complying with a request?' head on.

 

It sounds as if she's just an unsympathetic pain, the ball didn't hit her, so what's the problem?

 

 

Her comment was " it could of hit her" thats why she was so upset, the ball was no where near her, Js not blummin wayne rooney.

 

I do know he shouldnt of been playing with it, and I was dealing with it, the thing is when she said she works with ADHD/ASD/AS I couldnt understand why she interferred the way she did and why she said the things she said, she proper throw me, I wanted to say well you should understand shouldnt you but at the time I didnt have them words at hand, and all I could think of was why was she telling my child as she doesnt even know him, J is soo nervous when strangers get angry with him, which esculates his behaviour, and escualtes his actions, he hasnt been too bad though as he said I put the ball back mum, and I praised him, so for me he wasnt a nuisance and did really well compaired to last year, now last year a tin of tuna may of hit her.

 

JsMum

Edited June 19, 2008 by JsMum

[morgan and alexandra]

Hi Jsmum

 

What a coincidence, we went to our local DIY store this evening, my DD 8 wasnt coping very well, so when she climbed into the trolley, I decided to leave her be. She wasn't disturbing anybody at whilst she was in there and it helped to calm what was going to turn into a meltdown. As DH and I were looking at paint a woman decided to have a go at my older DD who was pushing the trolley, saying that my youngest is too old to be acting in such a way. I didn't see this happen and am furious that this woman could have a go at my children in this inappropriate way. I tried to look for her to put her straight but she had gone. I'm livid.

 

Luckily, my oldest didn't react just gave this woman "THE LOOK." It a is very dismissive teenager look(I'm sure you guys know the one). I asked my DD how she felt about it, she just shrugged and said it was the womans problem, not hers. I was very proud of my daughter for ot reacting bless her. God forbid what would have happened if I had seen it.

[pookie170]

Gawd, it's so infuriating when strangers do this kind of thing!!! Must admit, I usually adopt Bard's technique and become rather arrogant when tackling the strangers unwelcome comment. I really don't get her problem, its not as if your lad wouldn't comply with your request.

Actually another technique, guaranteed to get under the complainants skin in a delightful way is to give them the total brush-off! Rather impressed by M&A's eldest daughter's response, well done her!!

Gosh, this kinda thing gets me irritated......It's not as if it's any of their buisiness! And sadly, with some people, you could explain away all you like about your childs condition, and it wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference.....

 

Esther x

[bikemad]

Im afraid this is a huge bugbear of mine and my reply to them is prob not even repeatable on here-it really makes me mad n they dont half know bout it-so much so that one parent grabbed her kid n left the place-it aint my ds's fault he is like he is n if someone wants to say owt then say it to me not him is my attitude.

[Imelda]

I used to say sorry he has autism, then i went through a phase of handing cards out i got from school explaining his behavour. Now i just say in a loud voice "Here is another expert in autism" It depends what mood i'm in. Some days i let it wash over me some days it bus stop is passed the bottom of our road, so our son got a bit upset, (he had a problem with traffic lights at the time) We were stood waiting to get off, and this guy in a blazer was tutting! My husband said whats that? I said "its captain******* Mannering tutting at our severly disabled child! "Then we got off the bus and left him shrinking into his seat as all the other passemgers glared at him.

[Imelda]

I forgot! If people stare, i say "yes he is gorgeous isn't he? "and smile. hehehe

[CarolineJ]

Twice now, I've handed out AS leaflets (the ones from NAS) and said "Thank you for your concern. If you have a read through this and still decide you want to help parent my child, I'd like next Thursday off."

 

I thought my head was going to explode when I did it, but my god, I felt good after!

[Frangipani]

I did tell her to mind her own buisness and get on with her shopping but she said she thought my son was a nuisants!

 

I wont say what J called her, but what do you do when complete strangers confront your child when your child finds it difficult to cope and show it in behaviour?

 

Can I really say its not any of their buisness or is it too rude.

 

J is 11 now and tall, he is looking very odd when he behaves in a much younger manner, what can I do?

 

JsMum

 

This always gets on my goat, as you see it everyday. The cards are a good option, just pull it out of your wallet, and hand it to them an smile and say, 'have a nice day' with a big smile, and go about your business as if they are a face in the crowd.

 

I am more concerned with how these people make our kids feel. So my biggest concern is how my child feels about this incident and being there for them. So if I didnt have a card I am inclined to give the person the evil eye and say nothing at all. But just attend to your child.

 

Nosey so and so. It is an insult to your intelligence and your parenting skills, so dont be apologetic to them, unless your child has physically hurt someone. imo.

 

Rant over

 

Here have some of these, <'> <'> I think you handled it better than I would have.

 

Fran x

Edited June 20, 2008 by Frangipani

[darky]

I hate situations like this. I don't think a stranger should tell off a child unless the child is doing something that directly effects that person and parents are oblivious or absent. People do tend to make sweeping genralisations, and most people do not have the benefit of our insight. So they are ignorant. So I always think it is best to try and educate them a bit although most of the ignorant people view that as making excuses for a badly behaved child.

 

Here's an idea, I saw this on Supernanny and it's a great idea and has worked for me. Cut out some pictures of shopping items, laminate them. Do a small shopping list with the pictures of food items on a board and get the child to help you with shopping. For me it has worked really well getting them involved with the shopping. It takes their mind off the enviroment and gives them something to do and turns it into an activity rather than a chore. I get my babes to help me weigh food as well.

[baddad]

For the most part, I'd agree with Bard:

 

Merely being young for his age is not good enough, so it would depend for me on what J was actually doing to upset her.

 

That said, the scenario you've outlined is of an eleven year old boy playing football in a supermarket, and personally I wouldn't be too angry if a stranger told Ben off for doing that, and I would probably be annoyed if I saw an eleven year old kid doing it in my local supermarket. Rounding on the woman in anger (and allowing him to) :

I wont say what J called her

is, in my opinion, totally the wrong model to provide as an appropriate response.

Explaining to her is a completely different thing - I'm all for that - but I think the way we do it is really important.

 

(caroline J.)

Twice now, I've handed out AS leaflets (the ones from NAS) and said "Thank you for your concern. If you have a read through this and still decide you want to help parent my child, I'd like next Thursday off."

 

Do the NAS really hand those out? What a horrible, snitty, snipey way of making the point. If someone gave me one of those I'd probably say 'fine - what behavioural techniques do you usually use - I'll try something different for the day!' That's even worse than 'not naughty - autistic' t-shirts: negating all responsibility and expectation and using the child's medical condition as an excuse (actually, a kakky stick full of guilt to hit them with) rather than an explanation...

 

Sorry - well aware that little of that's likely to be particularly popular, but I do think we have to be responsible when our children can't be and that they have to be when they can...

and of course, i'm as guilty as anyone of handling these situations the wrong way (when you're stressed up to the eyeballs already the last thing you need is a stranger sticking their oar in), but always I've regreted it afterwards rather than seeing it as some sort of victory. So, in a nutshell, I'd try to explain the situation calmly and reasonably, and certainly if Ben stepped in and verbally abused the other party he would be disciplined for it.

 

(Grabs coat and RUNS)

Edited June 20, 2008 by baddad

[CarolineJ]

Do the NAS really hand those out? What a horrible, snitty, snipey way of making the point. If someone gave me one of those I'd probably say 'fine - what behavioural techniques do you usually use - I'll try something different for the day!' That's even worse than 'not naughty - autistic' t-shirts: negating all responsibility and expectation and using the child's medical condition as an excuse (actually, a kakky stick full of guilt to hit them with) rather than an explanation...

 

Sorry - well aware that little of that's likely to be particularly popular, but I do think we have to be responsible when our children can't be and that they have to be when they can...

and of course, i'm as guilty as anyone of handling these situations the wrong way (when you're stressed up to the eyeballs already the last thing you need is a stranger sticking their oar in), but always I've regreted it afterwards rather than seeing it as some sort of victory. So, in a nutshell, I'd try to explain the situation calmly and reasonably, and certainly if Ben stepped in and verbally abused the other party he would be disciplined for it.

 

(Grabs coat and RUNS)

 

In both situations, my son was not behaving badly. He was distressed and anxious. To be blunt, he was sat sobbing on the floor at the end/corner of an aisle in Sainsbury's when an old "dear" said to him "Will you just be quiet and get out of the way!" as she tried to shove her trolley past him. She then turned to me and said "In my day we did as we were told and respected our elders." My husband was further along the aisle and loudly replied "In my day we have respect for everybody..." until I gave him the *just leave it* glare. Admittedly, we were trying the leave Bim a minute and see if he comes along of his own accord and weren't actually attending to him that second, but even so, the bat had no right to be so rude. In the second situation, we were in a casualty waiting area and Bim was really upset. Not so much about the wound to his mouth, but that bacteria in his blood may rot the Ipswich Town football shirt he had on. Again, and older person chimed in. She said "Do you mind? Some people here don't feel well." That time I was doing my best to console Bim, but obviously wasn't doing a good enough job. Yes, I'll admit to using his condition as a weapon those two times, but I felt so defenceless and was stressed myself, I did the first thing I could think of to diffuse a possible situation. The second lady actually apologised. I apologised for my tone and it led to a very nice conversation.

 

Neither of the situations warranted outside interference, so I felt justified in my reactions at the time. My son is not abuse, nor rude, though I understand he may come across as rude at times when he doesn't quite have the language or understanding needed. In those situations, I step in and explain the proper course of action to him. It's as much a learning experience for us as it is for him.

[bid]

Phew, thanks for that BD, 'cos I've been too wary to post my similar views!

 

Bid (joining BD behind the sofa )

[Flora]

The NAS cards I've seen are very non-judgemental. The one's I've seen merely describe AS or autism (depending which one's you have). I have found them useful in situations like the hairdressers but have never used them to explain behaviour, usually just as an explanation as to why Bill will wriggle and not keep his head in the right position I've never seen ones with judgmental messages written on them! I can't see how that would be helpful at all.

 

It's a very difficult situation to find yourself in I'm sure. I have myself witnessed very recently a severely autistic boy being commented on by some people behind me in the queue (although they didn't actually say it directly to the boy or his mum) and found that very upsetting. However, you have to find the balance between anxiety and autistic responses (sorry horrid expression) and those which arise from over excitable behaviour which it is in the child's best interests to learn to manage. Sometimes there's a blurring of the lines I know, but it's an absolutely fundamental part of our kids education to learn how to behave in different places.

 

You have to think on your feet and try to decide what to do, and I can imagine that feeling stressed an under pressure could mean that the response wasn't always the best one but it's something that should be used in order to plan the best response for if/when it happens again.

 

Yes the general public need to be educated, but responding with similar/worse behaviour than them isn't the answer; it just gets their back up and very likely strengthens their negative view.

 

Flora

[Suze]

I,ve had lots of comments in the past, which really upset me, I,m not a confrontational person and would never challenge or say something back to someone.After years of it the best thing to do is ignore it, as some people are just grumpy and moan about stuff all the time, people abuse you when your driving making gestures etc.....a woman tutted loudly at me today in the supermarket cos my trolley was in the way, she shoved it to one side and bulldozed her way through.I smiled a genuine smile at her because she may then of realised that all she had to do was ask , or be less gun ho about the whole thing.Its karma...........I believe in it completely .You,ll probably disagree here but you should have got your boy to apologise to her for kicking the ball near her, then explained his autism etc, this may have left her with a better view of your son and his difficulties and I think may have made you feelless angry about the whole thing.

[Deedee]

ooh this is a hard one to answer.I've had so many bad experiences at the shops we actually stopped taking M out for a while because it caused him so much distress and us so many rows!!

 

More recently he has been coping better with shops in short bursts so we are gradually venturing out more.

I try to distinguish what people are moaning about before I decide wether to reply...If it is behaviour that is purely caused by his Autism etc i.e complete sensory overload leading to a screaming helpless little boy or undressing to his pants, (he hates clothes) I explain if asked/commented to by others.We usually have to abandon any plans for shopping if this happens!

 

If it is behaviour which he does understand is inappropriate I do try to explain to him what he's doing is wrong and why,and if had caused problems with other people I would try to apologise/explain and hope they'd be understanding..*yeah right* !!!!

I try not to use his ASD as an excuse but I think its hard sometimes to know until much later in the day...or week even with M what caused the problem,leading to the behaviour.

[smiley]

I think CarolineJ meant she hands out the little AS cards (with a small description) - not that the cards say that on them.

 

I've handed these out to people before. Normally when i'm so stressed, or trying to stop my son self-harming, to be able to speak to the person directly.

 

It's doesn't give an excuse, just a short description of Autism/AS and why the child/adult may be behaving in an unusual way... And what the person can do to help. I've always had a positive response when i've handed them out - even from the most ignorant and rude people. Some people are just horrid, but in the most part it's just lack of knowledge and understanding.

 

That said - i only ever hand these out when he is in autistic shutdown or meltdown. Sorry, but if M had been rude to someone, regardless of the why...i'd be cross with him.

 

Was is Ros Blackburn who's mum always said Autism is not an excuse??

 

(eeeeekkkkkk, JsMum - i don't mean to say you are wrong i've no right to judge what works for you and yours... please don't yell at me!!)

 

Budge up Bid..

[KarenT]

I've only ever had this happen once, when J was told off by a parent in the playground at his old school as the classes were filing inside. J was finding this time of day particularly difficult at that time (mainly because he was being bullied in the line while the teacher's back was turned) and a parent pulled him up for lashing out at someone and told him that he wasn't allowed to do that, that he should respect the rules and that they applied to him as much as anyone else. She wasn't being nasty to him but was quite firm, in a 'normal child' kind of way, which J at that time couldn't cope with. This was in Y3 and she was right - at that age MOST children should understand that rule but J used to just lash out spontaneously and genuinely didn't have the self control he has now. (I should add that normally I'd have intervened and disciplined him myself, but the school had an unwritten rule that once the bell had gone the children were the responsibility of the teachers and parents shouldn't be involved).

 

I stopped her, apologised for J's behaviour and explained that he was autistic, and that the way she was speaking to him wouldn't have any affect on him becuase he wouldn't understand. I also assured her that I'd be dealing with the incident later in the day in a way that J could cope with and understand, but emphasised that it wouldn't go unaddressed. She was perfectly fine about it and even apologised for having intervened.

 

In my cross moments I've often planned clever little responses for what I'd say in these circumstances, but actually I think they'd probably do more harm than good. When strangers make judgements it's because they assume that you're a rubbish parent and if you snipe back at them with a rude or sarcastic response you're giving them ammunition - there's the proof for why this child is so insufferable because the parent is rude as well, and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. On reflection, if you show them that you're just as concerned about your child's inappropriate behaviour, that you KNOW it's not right but you're doing all you can to address it, you're more likely to get a more sympathetic and supportive response from them.

 

Yes, there are some awful and intolerant people around but I don't want to be one of them. I like to try and rise above that, and just because my son has offended someone with his autism, or because they've offended me (or him) with their rudeness, doesn't give me the right to be rude and sarcastic back. In my humble opinion, polite is better.

 

Karen

x

[Imelda]

my cards say:

 

My child is autistic and attends a school for children and young people with autism. My child has communication difficulties and sometimes displays "inappropriate" behavour. If you have any questions concerning the incident you have witnessed please contact the school.

And on the the other side is the addressa and number of his school.

 

baddad we all have different ways of coping with incidents.

[bid]

I think the main thing here for me is the fact that we shouldn't expect strangers to know our child is autistic in some kind of psychic way!

 

Personally I think that if our child's behaviour is having a negative impact on other people we should be apologising, and then backing that up with an explanation about ASD if appropriate.

 

One of the worst things I've ever read was on another forum where a mum was ranting that a shop assistant had the nerve to ask her to stop her child trashing a shoe display. I thought it was appalling that she used autism as a sort of 'trump card' with a 'that told her' attitude. Awful...she should have been apologising for her child's behaviour!

 

Bid (room for a little one, Smiley! )

Edited June 20, 2008 by bid

[Bagpuss]

Taking our youngest DD out used to be so traumatic and I've listened to endless tuts and comments from other people.

 

Her behaviour was challenging and I felt judged as a parent. At one point, after an appalling incident in a Wacky Warehouse where she hit a newborn baby, we stopped going out.

 

Now she's smashing, and I can usually see something brewing and deal with it before it erupts.

 

I have to say I never said anything for a long while, mainly because I dread bringing attention to myself or causing a scene.

 

However I have to say that now I feel very differently, and I have and would confront someone who passed comment on my child and their behaviour.

 

If the other person was polite then they would receive a polite response.

 

But, if as with JsMum, I was told that my child's behaviour was only acceptable for a toddler, especially so if the child is stood there listening, and that person had in no way been hit by the ball, then I would of confronted her too. I wouldn't of tolerated my child being rude to her, and that would of been dealt with. However, I would of taken issue with what this lady said, given that I personally find her comments rude, but I would try to do it without being personal or abusive.

 

I really do think that it is inappropriate for other adults to reprimand a child if the parents are present and that child is not doing anything dangerous or directly affecting them or their children. I wouldn't expect people to just know that either of my DD's were on the spectrum, but by the same token, I don't need advice that I've not sought. I wouldn't assume they'd want my opinion on how they were dressed, their weight, their make up, the fact their garlicky breath was making me feel sick (don't you just hate that when someone is stood behind you at the checkout ) I certainly would not dream of ever passing comment on another child behaviour, unless it directly affected me, or my child, and then I'd try to approach the parents in a kind and polite manner.

 

You can't possibly judge someone by a snapshot in a supermarket. You can't know what difficulties that child or family may face, on a weekly, daily or hourly basis. I find it surprising that this lady actually works with children on the spectrum. Supermarkets used to be a huge, huge nightmare for us and our youngest DD, and I know only too well how utterly demoralising it can be to deal with confrontations whilst in the middle of trying to deal with another meltdown, and often it only serves to escalate what is already taking place.

 

JsMum, you sound like you are working so, so hard on dealing with your son's difficulties in a supermarket, hats off to you

[baddad]

I think CarolineJ meant she hands out the little AS cards (with a small description) - not that the cards say that on them.

 

 

 

Sorry, caroline... I've just read smiley's post and re-read your own. A parent responding like that in the heat of the moment is completely understandable, and as i said in my own post I've done similar things myself and regretted it in the past (Just spent an hour looking for this incident which makes the point better than I can... Ignore the strange punctuation - it's from 'a time before upgrades' when the forum used a different coding):

 

 

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.ph...amp;hl=butlintz

 

I hope you'll appreciate that I was responding to what I thought was an 'approved' intervention from the UK's main lobby group for autistic people, and that in that context my concerns were legitimate.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

OH: PS... meant to add, re Jsmums post... that 'work with children with ADHD/Autism. They always do, or have, or know someone, or have a best friend who's child is etc etc... None of which makes a happeth of difference! When I was working as a carer I reckon a good fifty percent of the staff were absolutely useless/going through the motions. Of the other fifty percent, 15 percent were patronising, bleeding heart do-gooders who treated them like children and a further 10 percent were passive-aggressive bullies who shouldn't have been allowed to work in a kennels let alone a residential home.

The other 25% were brilliant, and mostly managed to make up for the other 75%!

Been a while, but I suspect the ratios haven't changed much

Edited June 20, 2008 by baddad

[Imelda]

My most embarassing moment was in the co op late shop. He shouted PENIS! and the shop was full, with a line of people waiting at the cash machine. I just grabbed him and walked out. School had warned us they were teaching about body parts and had to use the correct name for them. My husband thought it was funny and said he would have replied "salted or dry roasted?"

[brooke]

To be honest i just dont know how to deal with these situations Luckily we have only had the odd comment which has been ignored but i worry that if i say "he is autistic" then people will think im just using it as an excuse, you cant win. One of the things i wish i was better at is my way with words, i can never get out the right words that i want to say so i tend not to say anything at all!!! I think if i was more articulate?! i would feel braver in confronting/apologising to the countless people O has wound up!!!! But as it goes i just let them get on with staring and ignore comments its their problem. As he is getting older it is getting harder but i think i will get some of those cards that people have mentioned on here. I dont think there is a right or wrong way of dealing with these incidents we just do what we feel is best for us and our children. <'>

Brooke

Edited June 20, 2008 by brooke

[oxgirl]

I must admit, I'm a bit mixed about this as well.

There have been times when in shops and other places Jay has gotten told off by people. He's an infernal fiddler and picker-upper of things and there have been times when I've told him to put something down and he hasn't and has then been 'told off' by a shopkeeper or asked to leave something alone by someone and I haven't felt upset or felt the need to jump to his defense. After we've come out of the shop, I'd be more inclined to say to him, 'haha, you got told offfffffff' and use it as an opportunity to explain why the person was cross with him so that he could see that his behaviour wasn't really acceptable.

On the other hand, if it was a situation where he was very stressed and upset about something and was in a panic and I was getting wound up as well, then the last thing I'd want to hear would be tuts and mumbles under breaths and I probably would be annoyed and want people to butt out. I guess it depeds on the situation. If he was doing something irritating, even if it wasn't necessarily dangerous or aggressive, but was still quite inappropriate for the setting and annoying for other people then I don't think I'd have a problem with him being told off about it, as long as it was done in a fair way, i.e. 'would you mind not doing that, young man'. On the other, other hand, if it was done in a hurtful and unnecessarily unkind way then I would be cross but would probably still not say anything, other than explaining to Jay outside that the person was upset.

Now I've confused myself, as it's obvious I haven't a clue what I think!

 

~ Mel ~

[Frangipani]

I just read your link Baddad. People's reactions can throw you for a six.

 

I remember and incident non ASD where I was driving my car and I was on a hill about to turn left onto a busy highway only metres from a Petrol station, and I ran out of petrol. I quickly got out of my car and asked the lady behind me to move back a bit, after explaining what had happened, so I could move out of her way and park the car, she quickly replied, well how stupid are you, running out of petrol. I can't remember what I said to her but it wasnt pretty, 'no swearing of course' but, I made sure she regretted making that comment and I didnt care. She was the one that ended up with a red face.

 

I am not saying this is how I would normally behave, but, sometimes they can take the wind out of your sails with some of the comments they dish up, whether the child is ASD or NT, some people are totally gross. I find remaining calm no matter what has always given me a moment to stop and think, but, that depends on how rude they are. Sometimes I am very quick on my feet and have no hesitation in serving an equal blow to ensure they feel very very uncomfortable. That of course depends on the sort of day I have had, or what time of the month it is.

 

Like Flora said, you can just be witnessing people imposing their insensitive views and you have to bite your tongue, as you know you have been there, or feel for the person handling an embarrassing situation with their child without the smirks or sarcasm.

 

Edited June 20, 2008 by Frangipani

[JsMum]

can I come in now,,,, im a bit worried now how this post has shown how I parent....?

 

 

Firstly J didnt call the lady any names to her face, they where within his own company, as he was angry and wanted revenge on her,

 

secondly I do apricaite that playing with a football in a supermarket is wrong,

I was telling J clear and presisly what I wanted him to do and why the ball had to go back in the basket in the isle of the supermarket,

I did not use his ADHD as an excuse to cover up his behaviour, what I did was explain the reason to why he was behaving inapropriately and that his impulsive behaviour and immiture manner was a result of a developmental disorder and he is much much younger on the inside than on the outside.

 

I was getting throw to J that he can not play football in the supermarket and it was on him returning the ball the confrontation happened,

 

I have worked sooo hard over the last year with behaviour that at that particular moment I didnt feel he was causing any harm or causing a nusiance and I felt condfident we where dealing with the destraction of a football very well for a lady who sprang on him like a leaping leapard, that J got upset with her and then the confrontation led to me and the lady, and I came away feeling upset, as the shopping trip was going quite well at the time, he was happy putting in fruit from the fruit department and we have been working towards rules and expectations in social stories and J understands more now,

 

but it still happens, his behaviour problems are not going to just go away straight away, Im not going to gain control in a flash, he still challenges me, the ball situation was another example of him challenging the situation, but as he is learning and understanding and knows there is a choice of shopping or going outside for five mins he put the ball back, he is getting tall now and I do know where bid and baddad are coming from, so dont think I was condoning it because I wasnt,

 

I was irritated by was that J simply got into trouble for acting like a toddler, and that he was been a nusants, when you know underneath how far he has come, the changes and how different he is coping in a supermarket, for a complete stranger to have a go at him kicking a ball that he was actually putting back.

 

thats what upset me.

 

I have a more of an insight of how I can act differently next time, maybe apologise and back down a little,

 

I will plan and prepare more and have the visual supports with me of which I didnt have at the time of this situation, and not do things with no planning,

 

I can see we have may be a bit more of a journey to go and will continue to try to get J to behave more acceptably.

 

I just wanted to know how you feel when strangers tell off your kids, when they dont have a clue whats going on in your 24/7 bubble.

 

Oh well, I guess I can see some peoples points and I take some responsibility so I will remain in my parenting manual a bit longer.

 

Thanks for your comments and advice, I do apriciate it, and I have some food for thought.

 

JsMum

[Enid]

J`s Mum, youre doing great I am always pleased to read your answers when I post. <'> Enid

[Flora]

J's mum. <'> You are lovely and always very helpful when you reply. Keep up the good work with J <'> Hope you don't think anyone was getting at you and judging you, because they weren't <'>

 

Flo' xx

[Bard]

Well, I'm sticking to my guns.

I often see NT children, many that I know, out and about in my town.

Yelling and screaming, running and shoving, moaning and whining and begging for things in the shops. Charging round the supermarkets with trolleys, engaged in hazardous behaviour near roads, swearing casually at their friends and parents. spitting and being truly dreadful.

And do I ever tell them off when I'm not on school grounds?

No.

But if they spot me, their behaviour often improves instantly, or they either cross the road with their mates.

Or their parent asks me to tell them off and to behave. And I still don't.

[ryansmum2]

hi JsMum

 

your son has a Disablity - it is NOT his fault or yours !

 

perhaps the word 'disabled' would be preferred...

 

Autistic is not a bad word or an Excuse for anything BUT it is a Disability !!

 

best wishes mel xx

[darky]

Hi J's mum, first off have one of these <'> I think we have all been in these situations, the moment is over so quick that nine times out of ten we either freeze, appologise, go ape or cry! Depending on the mood and level of stress at the time!

 

In April we went on holiday. It was the eldest and youngest's birthdays. We organised birthday celebration packages in the dining rooms. We specifically asked that we did NOT have balloons because of our girls fear of them. They seated us in the farthest corner of the dining room away from other birthday celebrations to avoid the balloons. Great Until the people sat behind us decided to nick some of the balloons for their children. Well, we ignored the fact and hoped my daughter would as well. She saw the balloons and become agitated. She stood up from the table, hands over ears shouting balloons balloons balloons! She then started screaming, and I could see she was ready to run off. So I ran round the table and grabbed her to try and console her. I clocked the woman on the table behind saying stupid pathetic child. Well I can say it was red rag to a bull. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of she is neither stupid or pathetic she has Autism and I called her some names and swore myself inbetween In the past I have screamed at people to get away when she is in full meltdown for fear she will kick them! In those situations I tend to fly. I can be angry with someone for having balloons but it's only because I know what I have to deal with! It's not their fault!

 

I hate being in any situation where we will be judged. I know that losing it only confirms to the ignorant what they think of parenting skills. So you aren't the only one who maybe could have done things different. I think that all the time. There is something built into me that wants to protect my child. I think it depends on the attitude of the person you are dealing with. You are not a bad parent. I don't think anyone could accuse you of that.