Elanor

Ahh - well done, springer girls are sooo lovely. Mine went to the vet yesterday, for something that turned out to be minor (but expensive) and I was so worried about her, and she behaved really well. Dogs can be such a delight in the family. Have you got her wormed yet? Puppies always need to be wormed (I found out the yukky way). Hope things keep going well. Elanor

Christmas is a nightmare at school, on top of your son's existing uncertainty - no doubt he's totally stressed out, and I really think you'd be justified in keeping him out of school on health grounds. I did one Christmas (for 3 days) - no problems, all he missed was DVDs anyway, as they don't bother teaching in the week before Christmas. If you need to, you could speak with your doctor for confirmation (if the school needs it) that your son is suffering from stress. Hope things get better. Elanor

Hi Hev I'm so pleased you're feeling more upbeat, you've had such a hard time of it lately. I've had 2 sets of counselling - separated by 2 years, because I had 2 periods of depression. I found it invaluable - I did throw myself into the whole thing, didn't hold back (she had a very good supply of hankies ). It really helped me work out what the root of my problems was, and also how to go about changing things. My counsellor said that when people come to her, its because they've lost their way, and she helps them get back on course, and she was right. My second set of counselling involved my husband - we were having communication problems, because things involving our son had got so painful, that we were finding it too hard to talk to each other - I kept running off. The counsellor (the same lady) helped us talk to each other, simple as that. I really hope it goes well for you. Elanor

I'm a bit unsure about crates. We had one, and it was useful for keeping her under control, but Springers are a very sociable breed, and I recently read that they don't always get on well with crates (particularly at bed time). The clock and hot water bottle didn't work for us - the hot water bottle didn't make it through the night, and she peed on the teddy! I spent my first month with the pup drafting the 'for sale' ad - I'm totally glad we didn't sell her though, she's gorgeous and I love her much more as a dog than as a pup. At this minute she's cuddled up to my AS son age 12. Elanor

I hope you like the puppy, and that J does too. If you decide to have the puppy, just remember to brace yourself - puppies are like babies, and whilst it's all worth it in the end, they can be hard work. I spent the first 3 weeks sleeping on the sofa with my springer, because she howled so much. Of course, that's because I'd idiotically followed the 'advice' to insist that she stayed downstairs, I really should have put her in the bedroom with us, cos she was sooo lonely. I also had to replace the carpet after she became toilet trained! It's all worth it though. Elanor

Of course it's impossible to be sure, but I'd say that your 'motivation' worked to override his feelings of distress for this short period. However, my guess is that he still found it very difficult, and still had to cope with the stress of the event afterwards - was he difficult after the event? Whether you'd want (or could afford) to make a habit of this technique is another question! Elanor

Mother in need - we're over 2 years on risperidone, and there's no talk of stopping using it. The benefits have been enormous to us all. I imagine that each medical practitioner has his own views and experiences, and I certainly wouldn't want to trivialise the risks. My son has blood tests every 6 months (lipid levels), and is monitored by his specilaist every 6 months. I do worry about the effects - but I'm confident that we're doing the right thing, because we have a child who can cope, and who is having a childrhood that is worth having - and that would not be happening without risperidone. Elanor

I really do understand this - it is normal, and you will feel better. Starting school is a whole new ball game, and you have a lot of challenges ahead of you - perhaps its the realisation of this, and the comparison between your son and other children, that's really brought things to a head for you. Give it time. Elanor

Isn't this a case of the child being banned because the school aren't dealing properly with his special needs? If his difficult behaviour arises from his special needs, then to exclude him from a school trip might be disability discrimination. Elanor

Hi I do understand your concerns. My son's been taking risperidone for over 2 years to treat anxiety and aggression in ASD. I've never heard of it being used as a treatment for children with ADHD. This article might help: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/493059 My son's psychiatrist regularly updates us on latest research into the use of risperidone, and has so far been reassuring. It isn't very widely used in children, which means that there isn't much data to work with. The side-effects, specifically facial twitches, are not common. All the side-effects notified are as the result of trials of the drug as an anti-psychotic used on adults - at very significantly higher doses than my child has. My son takes 0.5mg daily - 10 times that dose would be considered a small dose for an adult psychiatric patient. On this site, and on OASIS, the most commonly reported side-effect in children is weight-gain. I have been worried about this, as my son became quite chubby, but he stopped gaining weight after 6 months, and now adolescence is kicking in and his weight is sorting itself out. We did have him weighed, and the doctor said he was in a normal range. Actually he was quite slim before, because of his faddy diet - he became less faddy since taking risperidone.

Hi I can really empathise with this problem - Christmas makes things so much worse, but at the heart of this problem is a child who's desperately unhappy and stressed-out. You do need an urgent referral - and don't leave your GP out of the loop, because the GP has responsiblity to obtain appropriate healthcare for you. Unfortunately, the referral won't bring any immediate relief - they might refer you to a parenting programme (!), but they haven't got a magic wand. I'm sure you know this - you really need to be looking at all the causes of stress in your son's life, and addressing them one by one. Does he have a room of his own, does he have a calm area in the house (we use mood music, aromas), is he spending time unsupervised with the younger children, does he get chance to de-stress after school?). The selfharm and aggression are really worrying - there are medications that can help (risperidone), but even if you wanted to go down that route (and we did - in fact it was Xmas that my son started taking it) you'll probably be put through loads of hoops (eg to prove to the doctors that you do know how to be a good parent - aargh) before they're willing to prescribe it. In the short-term, your GP might be willing to prescribe a sedative of some sort - although it might not work, kids with ASD dosn't always respond well. I'm sure you don't want to be sedating your child - and I'm sure you don't need telling whether its right or wrong to do so - but this is a crisis, and your lad needs some help. My heart goes out to him - my son's been there too, and there are no easy answers, only good and caring parents doing their best. Take care Elanor

Hi Cat's right - you didn't sound anti-med - I'm horrified a PP person should suggest meds when the issue is how badly the system is treating your child. She should stick to trying to sort out the school problems. Elanor

Hi I don't think you're a 'bad' mother (although you might have a 'bad' support worker), and I don't think your son is bad either - but other people won't understand that he doesn't mean to do something wrong, and so you do have to stop it. I've always found that my son finds it easist to follow clear and specific rules - no touching bottoms, at all, in the home or out. I'd try to avoid using sanctions if he does touch - but I'm not sure how you can positively reinforce this. You can't be congratulating him for not touching every lady's bottom! Elanor

Hi Jemimap, and welcome I've had this problem - it's eased a bit now that my eldest (AS) is 12, but it's not an easy one. It's great that your eldest will go to his room - it's the best thing for him when he's wound up (I used have terrible trouble getting my son to go to his room without it seeming like a punishment). As you realise, the middle child needs attention, even if she seems to be managing well - it's really important to praise her for helping and being good, and to encourage her to get you to help when problems start. However, my middle son started to believe it was his job to resolve difficulties, and his fault if he couldn't - and that caused him to become really anxious. We had some therapy for him, which brought this out, and was really helpful. The middle child needs to have her worries recognised and to be reassured that she isn't responsible. If you haven't already started doing this, you should consider teaching her what HFA is all about. The youngest will have to learn to come to you for help and to avoid irritating her brother - but not at 2 years old! I would ban her from going into your son's room without his permission - in our house, even I have to knock at his door. The really hard thing comes if there's any aggression or violent behaviour from your son to the little one. I had this problem. When this happens, you really have no choice - you simply cannot leave them alone together, whatever else has to be done in the house, and however impractical that might sound. I know from experience that its impossible - but its what you have to do. Things can get easier in time, and sometimes you have to take one day at a time, but I hope things settle down. Elanor

Hi Loulou I really understand your feelings of stress and isolation - I suppose things are worsened by having to cope whilst pregnant, but probably the real problems lie in the work and the circumstances of work. If you haven't done so already, you should talk with your employer - the HR department might have a helpline service, but your line-manager should be involved. You might have work-related stress, and your employer has a legal obligation to help you - and this might include making 'reasonable adjustments' to help you feel better about work. You might be able to transfer into another less stressful role - or to comething compatible. I gave up my career due to stress, and am re-training (I've got to get the College in a minute) but it is a long-term option, and I'll never earn as much as I used to. All the same, I feel empowered - I was unhappy doing what I did, so I stopped it, and did something new, and it's all worked out ok - I'm happier, and so's my family. Whatever you do, do something. Elanor

We have a springer spaniel - she's active, easily trained (although they're a bit giddy when they're young), very very loving, and just the right size (about half the size of a lab, which is important to us, as the house isn't huge and it's already got 3 kids in it). We paid �250 - cost depends on breed, quality of the pedigree and where you live. Try to see the parent dogs, if they're nice, their pups will be too. One word of warning - puppies are hard work. I'd definitely consider getting a rescue dog - particularly a Springer. Elanor

Hi This is a terrible situation - your son must be under intolerable pressure. The school seems to have treated your son as if he were naughty, rather than in a manner appropriate to someone with a special need. The result is that they are punishing him for having Asperger's, and I think you would be totally justified to refuse the detentions. How far have you got with the statementing? You need to get the right measures in place to support your son - and you need to be in the driving seat. There are things that can be done to help - and it's not too late. My son is 12, and whilst he doesn't have a statement, he has developed a great relationship with his learning mentor, which really helps life. However, this was on the back of the school accepting that he has ASD - you school is clearly not accepting this. I'm sure you'll get loads of good advice here. Take care. Elanor

Thanks Lucas - that's really helpful. I think I would respect the age ratings - my son was betrayed on Runecraft by someone he thought was a friend and was very upset, so I do want to protect him . He also doesn't have much to spend on membership - I'll have a look at ones you mentioned. Cheers Elanor

Can anyone recommend an online game? My son's been playing Runescape for a couple of years, and is now looking for a new game - can anyone recommend anything? What are the biggest games around - and which ones are suitable for a mature 10 year old? Thanks (courtesy of the 'mature' 10yo)

Hi My son has been taking this for a couple of years - 0.5mg daily. It's made a world of difference for him and the rest of the family. You always have to be cautious about medication, and the doctor put us through hoops before agreeing that the problem wasn't down to our parenting, but it is an option, and can make a big difference. Try this thread for more info: http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=638 At first, my son put weight on, but he's becoming adolescent now, and the weight is not a problem any more. No-one seems to be sure how risperidone works, but I think it reduces anxiety, and that in turn reduces aggressive incidents. I hope you get a supportive meeting. Elanor

Paula - my heart goes out to you - stay strong, you have many friends here. Elanor

Good luck with the interview - we have PR person at my firm, and he is totally great at getting information out of people, and setting it out in a good story. Your PR person won't let you clam up - she/he'll get you to relax, it won't be Mastermind. I think you've made a great move with work - they haven't taken your needs seriously so far, and you might find things easier if you're working with people who understand you just a bit more. Perhaps you HoD heard about the DDA? Elanor

Well, with the help of a written apology from my son, and a note from me, pointing out that asperger's and stress combine to make it dificult for my son to understand verbal instructions, the French teacher let him off the detention. He then promptly went into science class - and got another detention for forgetting his book! Elanor

Just to add, my son got a detention yesterday for bring in the wrong book (they're nearly identical books). This year we're encouraging him to take more responsibility for himself, including packing his own bag - so now he's been punished for something impossibly petty! Then - a substitute teacher couldn't do the detention at the right time (break) and gave instructions about doing it at lunchtime, which my son didn't get the gist of - so he missed his detention. I'm going to be having a few words with school on Monday about special needs, and the need to make special arrangements to ensure a child doesn't end up being punished because of his disability. He has a really understanding learning mentor, so hopefully he'll help us sort this out without too much blood on the walls. Elanor

I'm quite a fan of Webster-Stratton - but here, it's simply missing the point. The point isn't that you are a poor parent, it's that your child has special needs. NAS programmes are much more appropriate. Can you say, perhaps in writing, that you are not refusing the course, but that until your child has been properly assessed, in view of the suspected ASD, you cannot judge whether it would be appropriate. There is wide opinion that certain aspects of Webster-Stratton are unsuitable for children with ASD, and you would like to learn precisely how the authority has assessed the safety and effectiveness of this course when delivered to children with ASD. You'll get fobbed off, but it might buy you some thinking time whilst you fight for that referral! Elanor