Mandapanda

Hi Jeanne You have such a hard time, I'm sure you wish you could talk to her about it. Thinking of you. <'> <'> <'>

Hi Firstly you're not being silly. Many people have problems with toilet for many different reasons, it's just that they don't talk about it often. I have to go fairly often as I have had urine retention which can lead to serious problems. I used to be proud of being a woman who didn't always need the loo wherever I went, however I do now! I would suggest you always try to go to the loo before going out, even if you don't feel you need to. Perhaps you are not noticing you need to go due to anxiousness about going out, being on time etc. Try not to let this anxiety spoil or even stop you going out. Your friend would probably be really upset for you having to go in a layby. Speak up next time, everyone has to go, so everyone should understand. The example of going to a friend's flat is fairly straightforward. It is perfectly OK to say Hi and when they say to sit down or would you like a drink, say 'could I just use your bathroom first?'. You could also use this phrase before starting on a task like going on the computer, or before leaving. Best wishes

Hi Matzoball That is brilliant news! Please keep us posted as to how you get on. I read about this company a couple of years ago. It would be interesting to hear how it works in practice. Best wishes.

Hi Trayo Welcome to the forum. I hope all the medical tests go OK. I am sure you will get support and advice on here - I have.

Hi I lost my sister a few years ago. I still find storylines that are related in some way can have me in tears. My sister had breast cancer and recently there was a storyline about this in Coronation Street. I cried through all the relevant scenes, but in a way it was good as it was bringing the emotions out that are inside me, which is a way of progressing with grief. Personally I find Eastenders very negative and aggressive with lots of shouting and arguing, and very negative examples of 'coping strategies' such as drugs and alcohol. You can't change what has happened, and the first anniversary, birthdays, mothering sunday, etc, can all be difficult. But I believe you have to go through these emotions to come to terms with it, and it will get better the more time that passes. You all loved your Nan that's why you feel so sad - it's a real demonstration of the love you shared. Thinking of you x

Hi If you were having to pay the 3 months at £5 up front plus £5 for insurance that would make £20. You've paid £9 and owe £11. Don't know why they wouldn't take the whole amount - that's the whole point of direct debit, it can vary so that whatever you owe can be paid each month. When you say £10 for cred, is this shown on your bill as credit? The monthly amount you pay is basically for credit - you pay each month and get so many texts and calls included. Beware of entering competitions on a mobile as the costs are very different to landline. Read all instructions carefully about what it costs for mobiles.

How fantastic that they are willing to try things and to listen to what his problems are and make some changes! Well done!

Hi mark202 It sounds from your post like you do care about things but perhaps don't express/demonstrate it the way others would expect. It also sounds like this is affecting your life quite considerably now, therefore I think you need to speak to your doctor. It can be a good idea to write down what your difficulties are and how they are affecting your life. When you speak to the doctor it is a good idea to speak quietly and calmly and try not to be too blunt, and say please/thank you, and don't tell the doctor what you think may be 'wrong' with you (they like to think they're the experts!). You may get help from the Citizens Advice Bureau with benefits/getting into a job. If you are currently undergoing treatment for cancer, I believe the Macmillan Nurses can also help with advice about benefits - the doctor or hospital should have their contact details. It's difficult with cancer as in my experience the person with it often copes much better with it than the people around them - you see we feel helpless as there is very little we can do, whereas you are making decisions about your treatment and you know how you feel. Most people are scared of dying, and scared of losing someone they love. They may cry because they think you're being incredibly brave. I think you should also talk to your girlfriend, perhaps show her what you have posted here. Coping with your illness is a pretty major thing, and withdrawing emotionally may be her coping strategy. She may not even realise she's doing it. Wishing you well.

Hi Candyfloss I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately parents aren't all perfect, in fact most of us definitely are not perfect . Presumably she may see your problems as 'trivial' compared to the difficulties of the young children she works with. Is it also possible that you do not express how you are feeling, so maybe she doesn't realise how bad you feel sometimes? My son expects me to 'know' how he's feeling even when he is expressionless and not telling me anything As a daughter of a mum who never particularly demonstrated that she cared, all I can suggest is that you learn as much as you can about yourself and your condition. Try and make some plans for the future, expecting that you will be independent and possibly without her emotional support. Whatever someone's background/childhood experiences, it is important to look forward and make a good (better?) life for yourself. You deserve it <'> Connexions may be able to offer some support and suggestions (not sure how old you are). They can help with counselling, careers advice, training etc. Parents often have their own problems/hang ups to deal with and may cope by withdrawing from emotional contact and concentrating on work. She may be worried about your future and not able to cope with facing it - just looking for a glimmer of hope here

Intriguing! What car is it?

Hi Zeb Can't personally see why diagnosis should not be given because he's 'not struggling at school'. If he has it, he has it. In my experience I would say get it in writing now, whilst you can. If there's a change in funding, structure or staffing of the department you may find it harder to access diagnosis when you 'need' it. My eldest was diagnosed simply and easily. When my youngest started having major probs, CAMHs said they didn't have anyone who could assess or diagnose him - even though they have a Consultant Psychiatrist.

Tee hee! I've got a Rover and love it (apart from the squealing driver's window), so agree with this! Of course, it's a case of finding the best car that's available at a price you can afford. We bought a car (a Rover ) from a man trading from his house once, 6 weeks later the engine blew up. I tend to buy the cheapest car in the local independent garage when I need one now, as at least I get a warranty. Hope you find one you're happy with.

Hi I too found it all very exhausting and emotional, not helped by the hang-ups I brought with me from my school experiences! There are plenty of people on here with the knowledge and experience to help you through this, but sometimes you'll need to take a break to recharge your batteries. We shouldn't all have to fight the same fight, but all too often we do. Is there a local Advocacy Service? We have one that helps people on the autistic spectrum. They should understand that a child's difficulties are not always immediately obvious, and that not all autistic children are disruptive at school but may still have specific difficulties. My son was passive and we have eventually had to home ed him as he really couldn't cope with school. We never had any option of seeing the EP or anything else, and we have too many other stresses to cope with at the time so didn't notice his deterioration. Thinking of you <'>

Hi ktf Not really sure about this one, although I know my eldest is always busy in his head. He could distract himself he's never needed others to do that! To me his brain is hyperactive (rather than his body). This is only a problem if it is distressing him, which it obviously is your son at the moment. Just guessing but I would say that perhaps this is the way that anxieties/fears/worries are coming out in him at the moment. There are likely to be some changes happening to his body, and there may be changes at school and what is expected of him at this age. They may be talking about SATs next year or making their future choices of subjects, etc? Perhaps there has been some change in the children around him, someone left or joined the school, or a change of teachers? It does sound like an anxiety-provoked issue to me. Could you perhaps get him a fun book about teenage life/puberty? I had a little book about being Cool in School which proved quite useful. Maybe if you're watching a programme with young people in you could ask some fairly general round about question about them or their friendship/problem etc to spark of a conversation about school/friendships/being a teenager. I've usually found we have to travel a long way round the houses before we get where we are going, when it comes to getting information out of my boys! Good luck.

Many of us parents have been through a very difficult time around diagnosis, even if we expected it. Beebee's son is 15, not a little boy. Many (?most) teenagers want to fit in even when they know they don't?

No Paula Not a rotten mum at all, just like the rest of you've long been in need of a break, lol!

Hi If you're being offered help - GRAB IT! They won't keep it up if it is not needed. I thought my youngest was pretty much OK despite some traits of aspergers, and my eldest's much more obvious problems in certain areas including his more 'odd' personality and appearance. I did ask for help when he was at infant school but the school nurse snapped at me 'just because you have one child with AS doesn't mean you have 2'. Unfortunately that put me off asking again. We sort of struggled through infants and juniors just thinking he was an awkward child who just didn't want to go to school. However when a new Head Teacher took over and the infants and juniors were merged into a primary school, and many of the rules were changed, my son started on a downward spiral, and going to secondary school gave a brief let up then total meltdown and breakdown. It turns out his problems are much more severe than his brother's, but he was just so good at trying to blend in and cope for many years. I had pushed away any little concerns along the way because of what the school nurse had said I've had a very hard time getting my head around the reality. Think about it for a while - accepting help is not 'condemning' your child. Refusing it might...

I am on Fluoxetine (Prozac). I have suffered from depression since a teenager, and had undiagnosed postnatal depression after my first child. When my sister had breast cancer and it kept growing despite treatment, plus my eldest son was having major probs at school, I fortunately saw a doctor who really listened to me and prescribed them. I was on them for some years, my sister passed away (in all we have 4 bereavements in 5 years) and my son struggled through junior school, and my youngest son had to be dragged into school from the start. We also had elderly parents needing lots of support. AT one time I felt better and came on them - I had constantly felt a pressure to come off them, from the dr and just from general atmosphere in society. After a few months I deteriorated and had to go back on them. Then again I got to a point where I felt stable and my own dr said the tablets probably weren't doing anything for me. Then my mother-in-law died. I then thought I could totally concentrate on my youngest son's major probs with school and quickly realised just how major the probs were. I had a sort of mini breakdown. I was off work for 4 weeks and my husband had to stay home for 3 of those weeks cos I couldn't do anything at all, which caused probs for him at work. I was put back on the meds (by the dr that put me on them in the first place) and was referred for support from the mental health team. I was able to 'offload' all my probs in life and admit how serious my depression was as a teenager and postnatally. This relieved a weight from me. The person I saw helped me realise that I had collapsed because I tried so hard to be strong, not because I was weak. I am continuing on the meds until I feel really confident that I am OK. When I first went on the meds it was a revelation to me. When I told my doc that I felt like a different person, she said I must just feel like my normal self. But I had NEVER felt like that. I could think clearly, organise, plan, make decisions, cope with day-to-day life. They really did totally transform my life and I wish I had had them as a teenager after I attempted suicide. If you are diabetic you need insulin. If you are chemically depressed you need the meds that help with this. Simples!

Hi mc31 is all I can say!

My boys are 14 and 17 and it has been a struggle to get them to do any self-care things. The 17 yr old used to not want his friend round cos he smelt, but later went into a phase of refusing to shower. He is now at college and has new friends and has now started showering once a week. Not sure if he actually uses any shampoo or soap and he has always refused to use deodorant. I found a special one that said it lasted for 48 hours. I gave it to him to keep in his room and left it up to him (after years of nagging with no success). He certainly smells much less often. The younger one used to be really horrible to his brother when he smelt but is now going through his own phase of not wanting to shower because we 'keep on at him'. For a clever boy he doesn't get that if he was clean we wouldn't need to keep on Fortunately they have both generally done a good job of cleaning their teeth, though we had major probs with finding a toothpaste the youngest could cope with. He used the Milk Toothpaste until he was about 12 and they then repackaged it to say 0-3 mths I can remember my eldest having some friends round years ago, they were about 7/8 and one of the girls had a very strong BO smell about her. I was surprised by this at the time.

Great news farfalla, Hope it continues, make sure you get some good sleep too (hard to when you're out of practice).

Hi My youngest son has always been very restriced in his eating/drinking. Part of it is due to his worries about germs. He has never wanted to eat food made by other people. He used to want to take our cutlery to restaurants. He has mainly eaten bread type products. Bread, rolls, scones, scotch pancakes, muffins, pitta breads, crackers - we've been through them all in phases. He also eats cheese. He tried eating apples but they made him feel ill, not sure if it was the anxiety or the acidity. As he's got older he has understood that he ought to be eating more different things but it is still extremely difficult for him. He will eat roast chicken, roast potatoes, raw carrots, cooked broccoli - we have that every Sunday. He will eat chicken nuggets and chips from the chippie, we have that occasionslly, not even once a week. About 2 weeks ago a radical change came over him. He decided to have 2 Weetabix with butter for breakfast, cheese and crackers for lunch, and chicken escalopes with yorkshire pud, raw carrots and brocolli for dinner. He is now sleeping nights regularly (he has struggled to maintain the correct routine). He also was getting constipated and asked for medicine and has taken lactulose on occasions - he normally wouldn't take anything at all. He has survived for 14 year eating very few items of food at any time, it is amazing what they can survive on. My eldest was fussy but ate much more when he hit 14, had a growth spurt, and became more hungry, I think that is what is happening with my youngest now. Drinking water and taking walks can also help get things 'moving'.

Hi Your post made me well up too Isn't it wonderful when you can see such big improvements. Hope it continues for you all.

Hi nightingale Sounds like your grandson lives with you? Also sounds like he's lucky to have you. My son is now 14 and after deteriorating badly at secondary school and having severe anxiety, depression, and school phobia, and being genuinely suicidal at times, we eventually had no choice but to deregister him. It has taken some time, but removing that pressure from him has changed all our lives for the better. This is because the whole school situation was what he could not cope with in life. He has lost many of his anxieties although rarely leaves the house - he clearly has some major anxieties still, he is no longer depressed, and he learns far more and more in depth stuff than he ever would have at school. He has regained some of his confidence and self-worth, and his sense of humour. He loves teaching us things. Our situation was extremely desperate and this was our only solution. Now we know that many of his problems at school may be caused by sensory issues. Being near other people especially girls is a problem. Wearing the uniform (proper shirt and tie, or even collared polo shirt), was unbearable for him. Going on the bus, breaktimes, stairs, changing rooms, were all nightmare situations for him due to touch, noise, smell, etc. On the face of it he was less affected by AS than my eldest, but we now know that he was just trying really hard to fit in for many years, so his problems remained hidden until they became so unbearable he could no longer cope and broke down. It is worrying when they shut themselves away like this, but 'encouraging' them to get out more may just be putting more pressure on them (from their point of view). Our son wouldn't take any meds, he is very restricted in what he eats/drinks anyway. He did attend CAMHS for about a year but the person we were seeing just spent all that time talking about the problems that had happened to our family and did not move on to helping him cope with it all. When we got a change of person he saw her once, she said she wanted to speak to him alone next time so he wouldn't go again. They wouldn't come to the house to see him despite requests from the School Nurse and our local advocate. As our son has become better he now comes down and talks to us more which is wonderful. All I can say is you need to try and work out whether school is the problem. We were always being asked if our son was being bullied - he wasn't but there were lots of little negative things that all accumulated to overwhelm him.

Hi Paula It is very hard to step back as your child gets older, when you have HAD to give them so much support for so long. I work in the NHS and we have adults with AS visit and there is a vast difference between them. Some will come to the desk to check in themselves (albeit with no confidence, or eye contact, and in very small voices), with others the parents do it anyway without even giving them a chance or expecting them to do it. It's not blaming the parents, when you have had to do everything for them it becomes a natural reaction to continue to do so, but it is very important to start giving them some independence, but knowing when to is even harder! I think your son reacted in a lovely way saying he wants to do more himself sometimes but not always - you're not redundant yet! Just take it step by step. My 17-year-old went for his first EVER sleepover at the weekend, very nerve wracking. He had to get trains and buses as well (with friends). He coped with sleeping in his clothes in a living room (not in a bed!) with the others. He even ?used/?wet his flannel! He went to bed earlier than he has for years, even before us, the next night. It's scary at the time, but we feel very proud when he has survived/achieved these things. Whether the whole report is accurate or not, it is no bad thing it is making you both look at things with fresh eyes. He is moving on to the next step in life so some changes may need to be made anyway.